Why do women do this

I find this upsetting I came across someone doing this with their 17 year old daughter, Why do some women talk to their daughters in a negative way about weight. I made a conscious decision years ago to not talk about weight to my daughters neither positively nor negatively nor did I try to hide talking about weight by calling it a talk about healthily eating. I cooked properly and did not let them eat too much rubbish that's all they both grew up a normal to slim weight.

Why say to a teenage girl, stuff like do you know how many calories are in mayonnaise or give out about putting butter on a sandwich.

The Sweeper

+ 1 million.

I think women of a certain generation cling to the idea that their self-worth is tied directly to their appearance. They think they're mentoring their daughters by pointing out the inherent evil in full fat dairy spread...

My own mother used to do it to me quite regularly. She would constantly tell me I was pear shaped (I was 17 years old, 5ft 7 and a size 8). She also told me over and over again how tiny she was when she got married in her early 30s. My mother is five feet tall. I pointed out the height discrepancy to her one day - how I'm quite a bit taller than her, and subsequently likely to be heavier than her. She looked at me like I just didn't get it - if she was a size 8 when she got married, imagine how much better I'd look with my extra height if I was a size 8 too...

So I gave up, learned Philip Larkin by heart and got on with my life.

MissFlitworth

My Mother did it because her Mother did it, with an unholy vengeance, to her. It was appalling, and completely counter-productive, at the time but my heart just breaks for her now. Everything she ever said to me she got x10 from her mother and other older female relatives to the point that when she was 20 she spent some time in the engine room of a boat she worked on wearing a bin bag (to help with sweating away the fat. She was a size 12.) and ended up in hospital. It's really sad but she was (and is) convinced that being thin, no matter how you get there, is the only way forward and anything else reflects badly on you as a person.

Aoifums

Thankfully I don't think my mam is that bad when it comes to that. I'm really glad as she's taller and thinner than me. Although she constantly bounces between telling me that I'm getting too thin and that I'm eating too much junk food. She's wrong on the first and dead right on the second. I just don't know how the two combine.
I get some of it from my granny, my dad's mam. She never says that I'm looking well. It's always "you've lost so much weight". I know I look well because I generally have make up on when I see her but my weight hasn't changed from the last five times I have seen her

The Sweeper wrote: »

So I gave up, learned Philip Larkin by heart and got on with my life.

That is an absolute life saver, especially in situations where you know your parents are in the wrong but it's been that way for 50+ years and you just can't change it.

In case anyone doesn't know it or can't think of it

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself

Das Kitty

Even mothers talking negatively about themselves around their children (not just daughters) can have a negative effect. It plants the seed.

It's no coincidence that my tummy was always my biggest negative point growing up. My own mother constantly complained about hers.

WesternNight

Das Kitty wrote: »

Even mothers talking negatively about themselves around their children (not just daughters) can have a negative effect. It plants the seed.

Or even about other people, on TV or people they know or whatever. Self-image is so delicate. It can be damaged so easily and it's very difficult to undo that damage.

I know for me it only took a small, seemingly trivial comment (not even about weight, but about anything) to be internalised and there it was magnified times a million.

meeeeh

It was never a problem in my family. We would talk about what clothes suit and so on. Mum never really dieted. She didn't need to anyway. Dad should but he was always very (too) comfortable about his weight. Whatever issues my brother and I had came from outside.

Lia_lia

I have never noticed this with anyones Mother, actually. My Mom always encouraged me to eat more!


My Dad is a bit like that though. Not saying how many calories are in things..more like "haha, your jeans fit me and I'm a man!" :rolleyes: But he just takes great pride in staying thin. Eats very healthy and all that.

One of my Aunts (my Dad's sister) is OBSESSED with weight. It's all she talks about. She is 50 something and has the body of a 20 year old and commends people for being very skinny. And badmouths people who are overweight all the time. It's weird.

The whole obsession with women and weight is still something I'll never understand.

name0123

from the time I was a child my mother used to go mad at me for not eating enough (I was always just a real fussy eater), she still to this day would say it but yet I have to say I am very concious about my weight and ensuring I stay a certain size and weight so I dont think every one can blame it on family

mine came from myself but I dont see a problem with parents educating their children on healthy eating and excercise and having their kids understand what does happen when you dont look after your food / excercise. im not talking just about their appearance but overall health issues. in our day and age I think it would be irresponsible not to. just my opinion

Das Kitty

I have a 3 and a half year old and he's great for eating breakfast, lunch and snacks. But dinner he has hangups over. Already.

And I know for sure now that this is because we all sit down together and his Dad and I encourage/pressure/bribe him to eat up. Well we used to until we realised what we were doing. We've stopped for the past few months. He now only needs to eat whatever he wants from his plate and the only rule is that we all sit down together until after dinner.

The undoing of our mistake is very slow going. He still hates to see me at the oven in the evening. Even the word dinner makes him upset.

He's making me remember days where I'd sit down at the dinner table at home as a teenager and I wouldn't be allowed to get up until I had eaten my potatoes. I still don't like potatoes as much as I should. I think they're delicious, but I hate seeing them on a plate.

But it is still really hard to say nothing to him when whe doesn't eat some element of his dinner. Myself and his dad are always kicking each other under the table to remind each other.

I hope he'll come back from it fully. I'd hate for him to have a bad relationship with food.

Esoteric_

My mam isn't one for going on about weight too often, but she would say (in a nice way) for us to stop eating so many crisps/ice cream/sweets when we were kids, if we were gaining weight. Similarly, when I was comfort eating due to some mental health issues, and reached a size 24, she told me that for my health, I needed to lose weight, but not in any mean way. She didn't tell me to diet or exercise, she just suggested I stop eating junk food and go for a walk.

A few years later, I'm a size 14 and love healthy food and exercise. She's very encouraging, and is delighted that I'm doing so well with my weight loss. If I'm having a bad week and start eating badly, she'll tell me what I'm doing, to remind me not to do it, but again, not in a bad way.

She makes a point, whenever any of her children complain about their weight/looks, to tell us that we're all gobshítes for thinking badly of ourselves, that we're all gorgeous girls and that we need to have more confidence and realise that. She's always tried to boost our confidence and make us see our good points.

My dad on the other hand... Jesus. He has been calling me and my younger sister fat for as long as I can remember. When I was a size ten, and she a size 8, he'd call us 'fat cnuts' all of the time. He's far from small himself, but growing up being told constantly that you're fat definitely has had a negative impact on myself and two of my younger sisters. One is a size 8 (15 years old) and thinks she's obese, one is a size 12 (age 21) and thinks she's obese, and I'm a size 14, and instead of being proud of the weight I've lost, I hate myself for not losing more fast enough, even though I've already reached my target weight. I just try to rationalise those feelings in my mind and tell myself to cop on a bit. :pac:

I've heard that mothers do it a lot, which is why I find it strange that my DAD is the one who does it with us, not my mam.

name0123

name0123 wrote: »

from the time I was a child my mother used to go mad at me for not eating enough (I was always just a real fussy eater), she still to this day would say it but yet I have to say I am very conscious about my weight and ensuring I stay a certain size and weight so I don't think every one can blame it on family

mine came from myself but I don't see a problem with parents educating their children on healthy eating and exercises and having their kids understand what does happen when you don't look after your food / exercise. I'm not talking just about their appearance but overall health issues. in our day and age I think it would be irresponsible not to. just my opinion

I am picking this our because its an important point in all this. I know a someone close to me who know its not good to talk about weight to her teenage daughter but she herself is very weight conscious and is the same for her daughter so she hides her talks about weight and called it healthy eating, its doing the exact thing to her daughter that talking about weight would do, I tried to talk to her about this but she went mental. In my opinion you do not need to talk about healthy eating to your children, you need to lead by example and eat well your self also don't associate exercise with weight either.

We lived in the country when my children were growing up so we never has take always and they were in secondary school before they could get to shops by them selves and because I cooked every thing from scratch and did not buy rubbish They grew up eating well and a normal weight. ( still cant understand mothers buying bags and bags of those min treats and tons of biscuit's )

meeeeh

How are kids supposed to appreciate good food if they live on takeaways or ready meals?Half of the problem is that people are afraid to try new things. I think what or how they eat at home is way more important than what their parents tell them. You can also lecture about good but if good food means some boring chicken breast and overcooked vegetables then that will have very little effect. Food like that would drive me to McDonald's and I hate the place.

pwurple

I think being taught to cook and grow your food is much more useful than any nagging about weight. As far as I can tell from the very limited amount of times I go to a supermarket, half the shelves are full of stuff to make you fat, and the other half is marketed to make you eat yourself thin? Low fat this that and the next thing. All junk.

We grew our veg in a city garden as kids and were shown how to cook. Both my parents are great cooks. All of us are normal weights and continue to cook for ourselves. I grow a lot of my own veg and fruit now too.

I've had people look at me like I have two heads when I come into work with a soup I made myself, from a very boring vegetable they never heard of (I'd say 70% of people I work with have never even seen a celeriac, let alone eaten or cooked one).

meeeeh

It doesn't alwats stick. I absolutely loathe gardening and we akways had homegrown veg and fruit at home. Granny especially was great gardener, mum was ok and I never had any interest in it. I think my brother and his wife are growing their own veg though. But you di appreciate better quality of food.

kylith

Luckily my mother's not too bad, but the things she says to me if I put on a bit of weight.... next time I may just smack her.

CarlDunne1979

I knew this thread before I opened it would somehow try and paint women out to be victims in some way, even though the thread title was entirely indicative of painting them out to be perpetrators in some way (never going to happen by anyone conditioned into our society).

Mod

CarlDunne1979. You have proven over and over that you are of absolutely no benefit to this forum and despite having three previous bans, you refuse to change your posting style. You are no longer welcome in this forum.

fatmammycat

CarlDunne1979 wrote: »

I knew this thread before I opened it would somehow try and paint women out to be victims in some way, even though the thread title was entirely indicative of painting them out to be perpetrators in some way (never going to happen by anyone conditioned into our society).

Nonsense. Why bother even open the thread if you're going to use it to grind some tedious anti-woman axe or other?

fatmammycat

Deleted User wrote: »

Mod

CarlDunne1979. You have proven over and over that you are of absolutely not benefit to this forum and depite having three previous bans, you refuse to change your posting style. You are no longer welcome in this forum.

Sorry Whoop. we posted at same time.

Ilyana 2.0

I've had issues with my weight since I was a child and it is absolutely down to my mother (although I must stipulate that she is a great mother otherwise). I was always on the slightly chubby side as a child, although I was never obese. I was always being told to stop eating, not to be so greedy. I learned to sneak food from the kitchen quite early on. I was probably comfort eating because I was embarrassed at being told not to eat anymore.

When I was 14, I was nearing a size 14 but I'm short so, basically, I looked fat. Mum got me to follow her WW plan. I lost about half a stone before I gave it up after Easter in second year. Three years later and I was about the same weight again, so Mum got me back on WW. After that failed, I rocketed up almost to a size 18 before I started to lose the weight naturally somehow. I settled at a size 12 until I was 19, when I went through a period of undereating and lost a stone. Then Mum began telling me that my legs were too skinny. I couldn't win :pac: And I'm still unhappy with my weight, even at a size 12. I'm trying to lose some right now.

I do think that my mum's close scrutiny of my weight had a big impact on me. She's veered between a size 10-14 as well, we have a similar shape and she's often dieting. But she grew up with it too; my grandfather got quite big when she was a child and he lost weight by being extremely strict with his food. He still is, at 70 years of age. My grandmother tends to be quite up-and-down with her weight as well. Even my dad is the same. And my sister, a tiny size 8, is constantly going on about losing weight.

The phrase 'product of our environment' definitely springs to mind...

RainyDay

Esoteric_ wrote: »

My dad on the other hand... Jesus. He has been calling me and my younger sister fat for as long as I can remember. When I was a size ten, and she a size 8, he'd call us 'fat cnuts' all of the time. He's far from small himself, but growing up being told constantly that you're fat definitely has had a negative impact on myself and two of my younger sisters. One is a size 8 (15 years old) and thinks she's obese, one is a size 12 (age 21) and thinks she's obese, and I'm a size 14, and instead of being proud of the weight I've lost, I hate myself for not losing more fast enough, even though I've already reached my target weight. I just try to rationalise those feelings in my mind and tell myself to cop on a bit. :pac:

I've heard that mothers do it a lot, which is why I find it strange that my DAD is the one who does it with us, not my mam.

This is abusive behaviour - plain and simple. Do what it takes to make sure the 15 year old doesn't have to put up with this.

Dortilolma

I can't really put my weight issues on my mum - she's been nothing but supportive and has constantly told me I look fabulous just the way I am (even when I was a tad chubby) but she did diet a lot her self when we were kids - today she doesn't care any more.

Pressure came more from my dad and his friends - there was an ideal that all the girls were held to and my sister and me did not fit it at all. I was taller and a bit chubbier than all the other girls but by no means fat. My dad would frequently put me and my sister on a diet and once took my sister to the doctor to ask about her weight - she was a totally normal size and the doctor told my dad he was being ludicrous. Once he even put me on a fast and my mother was furious when she found out.

To be fair to him there was a period in his own childhood when he was rather round and I think he was picked on a lot because of it - he was worried we'd be unhappy if we were bigger than the other kids.

Today he realises it was a really stupid way to treat his children and we've forgiven him.

I'm still not happy with my weight even though logically I know that 11.5 stone for 5'9 is not bad.

Dark Phoenix

I had the opposite experience to most people. My mum was anorexic as a teenager and was close to passing away before she over came it. As a result she was obsessed by how much I should eat. I was her first child and I am naturally petite. As a toddler she had me in the hospital insisting I wasnt eating enough and they had to tell her not to force feed me and to leave me when i was full.
As a child dinners were forced down my neck. The portion she set was the portion I had to eat there was no concept that I might be full. I would have to sit at the table until the food was gone. The irony of course was that this experience stressed me out and I began to dread meal times. I associated food with stress. When I got anxious my throat would pretty much close over and I would be unable to eat which in turn caused more drama because I would not eat what was being fed to me. It was a vicious circle. My mum constantly told me as a teenager that I was anorexic (I wasnt) and that I was too thin (I wasnt). She would feed me the same portions as my father and brothers and wonder how I couldnt eat it all. My friends used to find it so odd the amount of food we would be fed in the house.
As an adult I had no concept of being full and actually used to eat too much as I didnt know when to stop I think the natural feeling of hunger and feeling full had been taken out of me. I am a lot better now at eating when I am hungry. When I moved out of home I was so relieved to be able to eat what and when I wanted and to allow myself to leave something on the plate.
My mum will still say I am too thin and that I eat very little. I have a very small frame and am not actually that light for the size and height of me at all. in fact I have a fair bit of muscle. My other half is always telling her I actually eat more than him (which is true) and that I am just very active (I do a lot of sport). I am not angry at all with her which often surprises people. My mum did what she did as she was so terrified that I would turn out like she had and be anorexic and she wanted to prevent me going through the same ordeal. Thankfully she learned and my siblings had a much healthier relationship with food growing up. I know there are toxic parents out there but when it comes to mothers and daughters sometimes the comments or things they do can be a misguided attempt to spare the daughter from something they went through.

Handsome Bob

Esoteric_ wrote: »

My mam isn't one for going on about weight too often, but she would say (in a nice way) for us to stop eating so many crisps/ice cream/sweets when we were kids, if we were gaining weight. Similarly, when I was comfort eating due to some mental health issues, and reached a size 24, she told me that for my health, I needed to lose weight, but not in any mean way. She didn't tell me to diet or exercise, she just suggested I stop eating junk food and go for a walk.

A few years later, I'm a size 14 and love healthy food and exercise. She's very encouraging, and is delighted that I'm doing so well with my weight loss. If I'm having a bad week and start eating badly, she'll tell me what I'm doing, to remind me not to do it, but again, not in a bad way.

She makes a point, whenever any of her children complain about their weight/looks, to tell us that we're all gobshítes for thinking badly of ourselves, that we're all gorgeous girls and that we need to have more confidence and realise that. She's always tried to boost our confidence and make us see our good points.

My dad on the other hand... Jesus. He has been calling me and my younger sister fat for as long as I can remember. When I was a size ten, and she a size 8, he'd call us 'fat cnuts' all of the time. He's far from small himself, but growing up being told constantly that you're fat definitely has had a negative impact on myself and two of my younger sisters. One is a size 8 (15 years old) and thinks she's obese, one is a size 12 (age 21) and thinks she's obese, and I'm a size 14, and instead of being proud of the weight I've lost, I hate myself for not losing more fast enough, even though I've already reached my target weight. I just try to rationalise those feelings in my mind and tell myself to cop on a bit. :pac:

I've heard that mothers do it a lot, which is why I find it strange that my DAD is the one who does it with us, not my mam.

What type of ****ing thing is that to say to your young daughters.

LegacyUser

When I was growing up my Mam did nothing but talk negatively about her weight. She seems to have been on every diet under the sun – weight watchers, nutron diet, Gillian McKeith diet, atkins diet, South Beach diet, smoothie diet, dukan diet etc. When I was about eight she stuck two pictures of herself on the fridge – one where she thought she looked fat, and one of her in a bikini when she was around 18, the idea being that if she went to eat something she’d see “a picture of what I am like, and a picture of what I should be like”

Her main focus has always been on her stomach and how much she hates it. She will comment on other people’s weight negatively as well. She’s always going on about how her stomach is terrible, but at least it isn’t as bad as her own mother’s. One of her sisters is a different shape, she’s always had more of an hourglass shape than Mam has, and growing up all I heard about was how desperate my aunt’s “thunder thighs” are, absolutely terrible, really big and covered in cellulite. I am also a different shape to Mam, always had more of a waist, and when I was about 14 she told me I had a figure more like my aunt – which felt like a slap in the face, considering how she’s always banging on about the state of her.

(Interestingly, this particular aunt is very slim these days, and Mam no longer talks about her thighs but says she’s “a bit too thin, looking a bit scraggy” etc. I’m convinced it’s envy)

Her approach to food makes absolutely no sense. Bananas, for example – you should never have more than one a day according to her, as they’re mega fattening. This is from a woman who fills the freezer with Ben & Jerry’s icecream. Or she’ll make comments about the amount of muesli you’ve poured into your bowl at breakfast (“full of carbohydrates”) but then she’ll produce chocolate hobnobs to have with your tea.

She’ll even tell you what people have been eating as if it’s news. One time I was talking to her on the phone, my grandpa had recently died and my nan had stayed over at the house. As if it was a really interesting story, she gave me a blow-by-blow account of what Nan had eaten for breakfast (“And then she had an absolutely HUUUGE bowl of porridge, made with LOADS of full fat milk, with a MASSIVE banana… and then she asked me if I had any brown SUGAR!!”) I absolutely ripped into her that time, saying that Grandpa had just died and if Nan wanted to put sugar on her fcuking porridge that was her business. But usually I just zone out. How is this news? Why should I care what other people are eating?

My nan also talks about her weight and diets the whole time. It was a family joke when I was growing up that Nan was always going on a diet tomorrow, because if she was over for tea she’d always make a big deal about how she’d only have one potato with her dinner because she was “being good” and then inevitably she’d cave in and have dessert because “I could be hit by a bus tomorrow so I might as well”. She made comments on her daughters’ sizes all the time when they were growing up apparently, and she still sometimes tells us how fat one of my aunts was when my Mam and Dad got married and how she was really too fat to be a bridesmaid.

I went on my first diet at the age of 12 or 13. I started making myself vomit about a year later. I am currently overweight, but no longer purge, and I am (slowly!) losing the weight. I see a therapist for other reasons, but my weight is something that comes into our conversations a lot and I sometimes get very angry towards Mam which I know is unfair because she’s not solely responsible for everything. We had a falling out a few years ago and I’ve made it clear that my weight is no longer a topic of conversation. She still comments occasionally but I know she’s careful to only say positive things. I feel like they’re insincere though because I remember the nasty things she used to say to me when I was around this weight but gaining, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget them.

beks101

My weight issues aren't rooted in any kind of harsh family criticisms, which has always baffled me as myself and my two siblings have still managed to struggle in huge ways with food, weight and body image issues all our lives.

My mother came from a family of seven where food was scarce, so as a result she tended to over-compensate with the three of us as kids. My mother is definitely a "feeder" - food, and lots of it, was an expression of love and care for her. Any mention of "diets" or "weight" or "fat" etc was met was absolute disdain in our household and despite being a very healthy child and slightly chubby teenager, any attempt to leave any food on my dinner plate (which would typically be stacked high with potatoes/pasta/whatever) was met with concern over "getting too skinny" or "not getting enough fuel" etc etc.

It made the ensuing struggle with an eating disorder that I went through all the more guilt-ridden - knowing that my mum had such little regard for weight and body image and this neurotic need to be slim - these were issues she never considered important or substantial, so she really didn't understand what I was going through. I think a part of her thought I was selfish, self obsessed, completely bonkers.

My older sister flirted with disordered eating as a child, only to become otherwise severely mentally ill in later years and food has certainly played into that - in the absence of any other kind of comfort, she's been eating herself stupid in recent years, gained a monstrous amount of weight, and yet my mother is still unable to tell her "No" - I think that connection between food and "love" has affected us all in big ways. I've definitely had issues with emotional eating.

Growing up, my mother herself would've been a bit on the stocky side - short, prone to weight gain, always overshadowed by her taller, willowy sister. I guess her coping mechanism was to set aside any body-related angst and focus on other things; a skill I definitely never managed to learn.

I think I always saw myself in her image - short, gain weight easily, not "naturally" slim, always having to fight it. What's scariest is when I was at the lowest point of an eating disorder - when all my curves had disappeared, my face was gaunt and my bones were showing - I felt a certain freedom in thinking I had "escaped" this family curse - I no longer looked the way my genes were dictating I'd look. So I guess in that sense - having an ED was as much an act of rebellion as it was a cry for help, which sort of falls in line with the kind of teenager I would've been at that point.

Rosy Posy

My mother has an eating disorder that she will not confront. She is dangerously underweight, undereats and over exercises. She avoids going for health check-ups because of this and I am reconciled to the fact that it will eventually kill her.
My father is obese and has massive physical and psychological issues around food because of deprivation in childhood. He sees being able to eat as much as he likes as a sign of wealth.

Growing up with them was like being stuck in the middle of a food war with my father constantly trying to feed me and my mother constantly trying to slim me down. I was put on my first diet at seven. I thought I was huge but looking back at photos I was pretty normal. I was always tall for my age and hated sports but loved dance and got enough exercise. Unsurprisingly I developed an eating disorder in my teens which scared my parents into making my weight and food a taboo subject. It took a long time and some therapy to finally get over these issues to get to a point where I value my fitness over my appearance. I love to cook and bake but try to get a healthy balance. I do watch my weight still but in a low key way.

I am very conscious of how food, health and body image are presented to my children. We don't have fashion or gossip magazines in the house and we don't have tv, nor do we have Barbie dolls or similar. I try to encourage a balanced diet and a physical lifestyle but don't make any connection to weight or body shape. I'm proud of my stretchmarked body because of the children it's given me and generally body talk is framed around utility rather than aesthetics.

My MIL is body and diet obsessed. She is very pass remarkable to the point that I will avoid going on Skype with them as she will comment on my weight. She has made negative comments to me and my SIL pre and post partum. She was a fussy eater as a child and never encouraged her children to eat fruits and vegetables and my SIL, now in her mid 20s still eats no fruit and veg. She has the worst diet of anyone I have ever seen- basically lives on sweet breakfast cereal frozen or takeaway pizzas, icecream, and vodka, never exercises, but is very slim due to meal skipping. She lives at home and is totally enabled in her unhealthy eating by my mil and constantly praised for her appearance. My oh is very into fitness and sports and he recently had an injury. The first thing his mother said to him when he told her was 'you'll get fat now!'. He was gutted about having to potentially give up something that gives him joy and helps with stress management and all she could focus on was his weight and appearance.

April O Neill

The Sweeper wrote: »

So I gave up, learned Philip Larkin by heart and got on with my life.

:pac:

anamara86

Arg this really really annoys me! My dad and brothers were really the culprits in my family - you'd be sitting eating your dinner at the table and my dad would be staring at you while you ate it, giving a little sly smile if you were eating too quickly or making any kind of noise whatsoever. It drove me mad and to this day I'm very conscious of how I eat. My brothers, well one in particular, would make little comments to me saying I'll be huge if I continue eating the way I was (I was never bigger than a size 10!). As a child, all those negativities start to seep into your mindset and eat away at your confidence. I will never do that to my children, and if my partner ever said anything to them (which I know he never would), I would make it very clear that it's not right. Healthy eating and exercise should be promoted, not putting children down and making them feel terrible about themselves!!

PucaMama

Handsome Bob wrote: »

What type of ****ing thing is that to say to your young daughters.

My father is the same. It got to the stage that I couldn't eat in front of him. The stuff he said to me.

Faith

I find it hard to even read this thread because it touches such a raw nerve. Both my parents are obsessed with weight. Both told me I was fat from a very young age (I've never been fat, for the record. At my highest weight now, I'm just a bit plump). Looking back, I was a perfectly normal sized child, arguably thin from about 12 - 16, and after my junior cert was when I started to get chubby. But my parents would watch what I ate like hawks, and pass comments on anything they didn't approve of. I quickly developed a habit of eating in secret, and to this day, still smuggle food out of the kitchen when I'm in their house. I started dieting at about 10, I'd say.

But at the same time, my mum, like many others, equates food with love and is definitely responsible for my emotional eating habits. Anything good or bad that happened growing up was met with food - celebrating or comforting.

My mum will always remark about my weight when I see her - rarely negatively these days, thankfully. But when I started going out with my current boyfriend, 5 years ago, she told me I should lose weight or he wouldn't fancy me. From a young age, she'd buy me clothes two sizes too big. I have a brutal self-image now and I'm completely obsessed with weight and calories, and often catch myself while out with friends thinking "Why are they friends with me when they're all gorgeous and thin, and I'm an unattractive fatty". Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and for just a second I see myself objectively and it's almost like "Who the hell is that?!". My self-image and my actual appearance are so different from each other, and I really do blame my parents for a lot of that.

I've always vowed that, if I have children, I'll teach them about healthy eating and exercise and leave it at that. Whatever my own issues, I'll do my damndest not to pass them on.

Malari

I'm shocked so many parents seem to have instilled eating disorders in their children, it's horrible! :eek::(

There was no focus on healthy eating in my house, we just ate reasonably healthy food. There was always fruit but there were also biscuits and homemade cakes. There was freshly made food from scratch but there also frozen burgers and fish fingers. Everything in moderation. We were encouraged from a young age to actively participate in preparing dinner so we knew how to cook for ourselves.

Mom would often ask if I had eaten enough but she never forced it. As she approched middle age she was more conscious of what she ate for health reasons, and just middle aged spread But we talk about food without any judgement about what we both eat.

kylith

anamara86 wrote: »

Arg this really really annoys me! My dad and brothers were really the culprits in my family - you'd be sitting eating your dinner at the table and my dad would be staring at you while you ate it, giving a little sly smile if you were eating too quickly or making any kind of noise whatsoever. It drove me mad and to this day I'm very conscious of how I eat. My brothers, well one in particular, would make little comments to me saying I'll be huge if I continue eating the way I was (I was never bigger than a size 10!). As a child, all those negativities start to seep into your mindset and eat away at your confidence. I will never do that to my children, and if my partner ever said anything to them (which I know he never would), I would make it very clear that it's not right. Healthy eating and exercise should be promoted, not putting children down and making them feel terrible about themselves!!

Boys can be such shíts about stuff like that and, of course, if you ever said it to them I bet you'd be accused of being over-sensitive because they were "only messing".

anamara86

kylith wrote: »

Boys can be such shíts about stuff like that and, of course, if you ever said it to them I bet you'd be accused of being over-sensitive because they were "only messing".

So true! My bf often remarks "you'd swear they were in great shape themselves"

beks101

kylith wrote: »

Boys can be such shíts about stuff like that and, of course, if you ever said it to them I bet you'd be accused of being over-sensitive because they were "only messing".

I think for men, weight is often a less emotive subject as it's not really the same cultural currency as it is for women. They're not taught to police their weight from an early age because their self-worth and value as men is wrapped up in what trouser size they wear.

A lot of the time, weight can just be a practical thing. I see it in my own Dad. The last time we spoke he told me he has started a new fitness regime because he's "getting a bit fat". I told him not to be silly, he looks fine, and he looked at me like I was mad. Like trying to deny the extra pounds on his waist was an absurd thing to do - why would I lie to him like that?

Whereas I grew up in a female world where calling someone "fat" or alluding to weight gain was absolutely the worst and most horrific insult you could hurl at someone; for him it's just matter of fact, and a lot of men can be that way. You ate all the pies, now you're a fat b@stard, so stop eating all the pies and go for a run, simple as that.

meeeeh

kylith wrote: »

Boys can be such shíts about stuff like that and, of course, if you ever said it to them I bet you'd be accused of being over-sensitive because they were "only messing".

My brother always had more issues with weight than I do. He was a bit chubbier until he got into his twenties and now at 34 he has a body of a model. He weights himself everyday and does a lot of exercising. I'm a complete slob in comparison and his wife is not perfect either. He never says anything to us but he'll quickly make a negative remark about others. And I know quite a few men who wouldn't be only messing, in fact I think women are more tactful about weight issues. I mentioned somewhere else that one of my friends told his gf that she is getting fat when she went from size 6 to 8 and he meant it.

It's hard to generalize but I wonder how strong is the pressure from other sex. I'm guessing that those of who went to mixed schools are a bit more aware of it.

TheBellJar

My mother did it to me at a young age. The woman is a waste of space anyway, but I soon set her straight when I realised she'd told my sister she had a 'spare tyre' when she was 14 years old - something I only found out about when she got upset out shopping that she had to buy a size 10 in jeans. Some people just seriously should not have children.

pampootie

beks101 wrote: »

Whereas I grew up in a female world where calling someone "fat" or alluding to weight gain was absolutely the worst and most horrific insult you could hurl at someone; for him it's just matter of fact, and a lot of men can be that way. You ate all the pies, now you're a fat b@stard, so stop eating all the pies and go for a run, simple as that.

That's interesting actually, my boyfriend was talking the other day about his "thesis gut", saying he'd put on a few over the past few weeks and was looking forward to when he had time to devote to exercise again. I immediately launched into a no you haven't, you're fine type speech, he found it so strange that my impulsive reaction was to deny it completely despite the fact he had just said the scales were up half a stone.

Legs.Eleven

pampootie wrote: »

That's interesting actually, my boyfriend was talking the other day about his "thesis gut", saying he'd put on a few over the past few weeks and was looking forward to when he had time to devote to exercise again. I immediately launched into a no you haven't, you're fine type speech, he found it so strange that my impulsive reaction was to deny it completely despite the fact he had just said the scales were up half a stone.

But in fairness, I don't know many men who wouldn't say the same thing to their girlfriends if they were in that position, particularly if they know it's temporary.

beks101

pampootie wrote: »

That's interesting actually, my boyfriend was talking the other day about his "thesis gut", saying he'd put on a few over the past few weeks and was looking forward to when he had time to devote to exercise again. I immediately launched into a no you haven't, you're fine type speech, he found it so strange that my impulsive reaction was to deny it completely despite the fact he had just said the scales were up half a stone.

Yeah I can't really think of a time when a friend/sister etc gained weight, said something, and my instinct wasn't to reassure and bolster their confidence by saying otherwise.

But at the same time, I think the pressure on men is getting worse too when it comes to weight and body image. The conditioning DEFINITELY isn't the same - they're definitely not subjected to the same public commentary on their bodies that has become such a normalized part of the female experience.

BUT, I can think of a fair few lads in my life who would be very conscious of their weight and very paranoid about being either too fat or too thin. My last ex was quite skinny and constantly harping on about it, how he hated that he couldn't seem to gain weight no matter what he ate (oh if only!).

My ex before that was in great shape - 6 '1 and very strong and muscular, hardly any body fat, but every so often he'd throw out a comment about gaining half a stone, needs to get to the gym more, getting fat, blah blah blah.

I think even with that practical approach, there can be pressures too - almost as if it can be emasculating to be a "fat b@stard" in the same way that weight gain can be a judgement call on a woman's femininity/desirability.

Some of these posts are very sad, my motivation for not talking about weight definitely came form my mother, but I do not think it had a serious impact on me it did annoy me she use to say daft thing such as if she heard of someone having had a heart attack she would say ....and they didn't have a pick of weight on them as if nobody thin ever got ill!

One of the reason we didn't talk about weight is because I strongly object to the thin = being more worthy as a person and thin = happy, type of thinking.

Ilyana 2.0

My boyfriend would pay attention to his weight and if he's been overindulging a little, he will say 'Oh I'm getting a belly, I need to cut down'. I don't deny it, but I always tell him that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Because it doesn't. He's slim naturally but if he gained a few pounds he'd still look great to me.

I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and he's being very encouraging about it. He'd never call me fat but if I've put on weight and decide to try to lose it, he wouldn't instantly deny that I need to lose weight, even though nearly all my female friends would.

Paddy Cow

Ilyana 2.0 wrote: »

My boyfriend would pay attention to his weight and if he's been overindulging a little, he will say 'Oh I'm getting a belly, I need to cut down'. I don't deny it, but I always tell him that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Because it doesn't. He's slim naturally but if he gained a few pounds he'd still look great to me.

I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and he's being very encouraging about it. He'd never call me fat but if I've put on weight and decide to try to lose it, he wouldn't instantly deny that I need to lose weight, even though nearly all my female friends would.

That annoys me so much. I went from 8 1/2 stone to 12 stone and I was clearly overweight. It would wind me up no end when people told me I hadn't put on weight/wasn't overweight If it had been half a stone then I would understand but I put on nearly half of my body weight! I eventually went down to about 9 1/2 stone and the same people were telling me how great I looked :rolleyes: I know they were probably trying to be nice but it just comes across as patronising and insincere when you know you are clearly overweight and people deny it. If they really wanted to be helpful they could suggest healthy eating tips.

schwalbe

Jaysus,you can't win with you guys.If someone says to you that you're overweight then they're screwed,if they say you're not overweight they're also screwed and if they nothing they're screwed too.
Are you sure that you're not just blaming others for the mistakes you made/make?

Itwasntme.

schwalbe wrote: »

Jaysus,you can't win with you guys.If someone says to you that you're overweight then they're screwed,if they say you're not overweight they're also screwed and if they nothing they're screwed too.
Are you sure that you're not just blaming others for the mistakes you made/make?

Re: your last line, I am pretty sure that how some of us view weight related issues in general is directly related to our experiences of the subject growing up. But. I am in agreement with your first line. I hate, HATE it when the subject of weight comes up and I mention I have gained weight and I am trying to lose it and every woman around me immediately starts denying my weight gain, telling me I look fine and I don't need to lose any weight etc. I can't begin to tell you how annoying, patronising and terribly insincere I find it. Or maybe you can tell from the frustration that must be resonating off my post. This is something I have only encountered in Ireland and the west in general. Where I am from, my friends will be the first to mention I need to do something about my weight if I have gained any weight. It's never malicious either, it's just very matter of fact. So I know that if I say I need to lose weight and they say that no, I don't, then I probably need to check my perspective.

When someone in Ireland comments on their weight, I'll tell them I think they look fine if I do or just shut up about it if they don't because I am not sure what the heck to say but I also don't want to lie and say they look fine if I think the weight gain bothers them. If I was in Rwanda, I'ld definitely tell the person they had gained weight if they had and were subtly soliciting my opinion.

Paddy Cow

schwalbe wrote: »

Jaysus,you can't win with you guys.If someone says to you that you're overweight then they're screwed,if they say you're not overweight they're also screwed and if they nothing they're screwed too.
Are you sure that you're not just blaming others for the mistakes you made/make?

If someone made an unsolicited comment about my weight I would find it very rude. However if I ask their opinion I would prefer if they were honest. Pretending that I haven't put on weight when I clearly have is as counterproductive as being a total cow about it and saying something like "ya you've really piled on the pounds and look like Miss Piggy".

The problem is that so many people are sensitive about their weight, fly off the handle and hold super long grudges if someone says the wrong thing to them so it's hard to find someone who is honest. Most people just make the usual soothing noises for a quite life.

Henry9

beks101 wrote: »

I think for men, weight is often a less emotive subject as it's not really the same cultural currency as it is for women. They're not taught to police their weight from an early age because their self-worth and value as men is wrapped up in what trouser size they wear.

A lot of the time, weight can just be a practical thing. I see it in my own Dad. The last time we spoke he told me he has started a new fitness regime because he's "getting a bit fat". I told him not to be silly, he looks fine, and he looked at me like I was mad. Like trying to deny the extra pounds on his waist was an absurd thing to do - why would I lie to him like that?

Whereas I grew up in a female world where calling someone "fat" or alluding to weight gain was absolutely the worst and most horrific insult you could hurl at someone; for him it's just matter of fact, and a lot of men can be that way. You ate all the pies, now you're a fat b@stard, so stop eating all the pies and go for a run, simple as that.

Why don't you just choose to make it a more practical thing?
Your weight is an objective thing, like your height.
The problem in the places I've worked is that women in general can't discuss weight without it becoming a group empathy session.
They only bring it up so that someone will dispute it, then they have to return the compliment. This then goes around in circles for an hour.

Contrast that with two men having the same conversation:
Male 1: I think I've put on weight.
Male 2: Yes you're right, you fat cnut. Now move away from the window, you're blocking all the light.

Over the years though, I've noticed 2 things in the language women use.

1. They'll often use the phrase 'very good', like they're praising a child.
e.g. I've been very good this week, I haven't eaten any chocolate!
They seem to relate not eating crap as reflecting the kind of person they are.

2. Having been 'very good' for a period of time, they then deserve 'a treat'. Again, like a child or something.
Completely self defeating approach, so they get all depressed and eat accordingly.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of women try to sabotage anyone who loses weight. Usually with the 'oh but you've been so good, have some cake!'.
Guys will tend to say 'fair play, wish I could do that'.

Anyway, take responsibility for your eating, you can't blame your parents all your life. None of this is rocket science really.

People with genuine eating disorders are a different kettle of fish obviously.

Henry9

Henry9 wrote: »

They seem to relate not eating crap as reflecting the kind of person they are.

That's because many women appear to have had their entire childhoods with this very sentiment being drilled into them

Henry9

bluewolf wrote: »

That's because many women appear to have had their entire childhoods with this very sentiment being drilled into them

What, that eating cake makes you a bad person?

Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But let's say that's true.
What now then?
Spend your life telling yourself you're a victim of childhood indoctrination?
Are you going to be fat when you're 50 because of things your mother used to say 40 years previously?

On a related note, I'd say young girls get lots of ideas drilled into them that they seem to reject. If I was to say that there are certain jobs that women aren't suitable for, this place would explode.
Why are they capable of rejecting those ideas and not others?

Legs.Eleven

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Re: your last line, I am pretty sure that how some of us view weight related issues in general is directly related to our experiences of the subject growing up. But. I am in agreement with your first line. I hate, HATE it when the subject of weight comes up and I mention I have gained weight and I am trying to lose it and every woman around me immediately starts denying my weight gain, telling me I look fine and I don't need to lose any weight etc. I can't begin to tell you how annoying, patronising and terribly insincere I find it. Or maybe you can tell from the frustration that must be resonating off my post. This is something I have only encountered in Ireland and the west in general. Where I am from, my friends will be the first to mention I need to do something about my weight if I have gained any weight. It's never malicious either, it's just very matter of fact. So I know that if I say I need to lose weight and they say that no, I don't, then I probably need to check my perspective.

When someone in Ireland comments on their weight, I'll tell them I think they look fine if I do or just shut up about it if they don't because I am not sure what the heck to say but I also don't want to lie and say they look fine if I think the weight gain bothers them. If I was in Rwanda, I'ld definitely tell the person they had gained weight if they had and were subtly soliciting my opinion.

I personally would say nothing at all if they commented on it. I've actually never been in that situation before though. I've had women complaining about their weight when they didn't need to and obviously I would tell them they look good and to stop worrying but in all honesty, I could never tell a woman she's put on weight and she should lose it.

I see it as some people not wanting to make someone feel worse about something they probably already feel bad about. The fact is, there's bigger women (overweight) who DO look great. Some women carry their weight well. I understand it's not the healthiest state to be in but more often than not, a woman knows she's put on the kilos but she can still look good. I can't in a million years imagine saying to a woman, "Yeah, you have put on weight." and leaving it at that. Women's weight fluctuates but they can still look great in the interim and actually, sometimes it's NOT obvious if a woman is a little bit overweight.

I honestly think people have the best intentions at heart generally speaking.