Do former school bullies ever regret their actions?

shleedance

And for the most part, we were only kids. People are often completely different when they become adults. I'm aware bullying can really mess up people, but holding a grudge over something someone did as a teenager or child is a bit silly really, especially if they've obviously grown up and got on with their lives. If they apologised or not, let it go.

However, the people who keep acting like they did in school are indeed dangerous and often continue bully later on in their lives, ie. in work. You can't get past them. They're the ones you've to look out against, not the eejits who annoyed you in the past.

Fukuyama

shleedance wrote: »

And for the most part, we were only kids. People are often completely different when they become adults. I'm aware bullying can really mess up people, but holding a grudge over something someone did as a teenager or child is a bit silly really, especially if they've obviously grown up and got on with their lives. If they apologised or not, let it go.

However, the people who keep acting like they did in school are indeed dangerous and often continue bully later on in their lives, ie. in work. You can't get past them. They're the ones you've to look out against, not the eejits who annoyed you in the past.

There's bullying and there's actual psychological torture.

There were a couple of lads in my year who were bullied beyond the 'line'.

I have no doubt that they hated going to school every day. It definitely effected their academic performance. Which will still hamper them later in life.

Getting tortured for numerous years isn't easy to forgive. And I've found most people I went to school with (even if it was only 5 years ago at this stage) to be much the same now as they were then.

o1s1n

Dean0088 wrote: »

There's bullying and there's actual psychological torture.

There were a couple of lads in my year who were bullied beyond the 'line'.

I have no doubt that they hated going to school every day. It definitely effected their academic performance. Which will still hamper them later in life.

You seem to misunderstand the meaning of the word 'bullying'. If you're talking about 'bully beyond the line' (as if there's an okay level of bullying) then what I imagine you're talking about is schoolyard banter and not bullying.

Bullying covers psychological torture; people kill themselves because they were bullied.

Dean0088 wrote: »

And I've found most people I went to school with (even if it was only 5 years ago at this stage) to be much the same now as they were then.

Thankfully, once I left school, I never really contacted anyone I disliked ever again. Bump into them the odd time in the pub and a lot of them are the same as they were ten years ago. Kind of sad really.

Ray Palmer

A lot of people keep saying people are the same as they were in school. I have yet to meet anybody I went to school with who is the same.

Find it hard to believe anybody is the same after years of being an adult.

Considering how many kids bully people in one way or the other growing up before the learn better I doubt many even consider some of their actions.

I know a teacher that was mercilessly bullied by the pupils. I doubt many even give it a second thought and the man ended up having a nervous breakdown. Having met him a few times since I told him how the school let him down. I wasn't even in his class yet I knew what was going on.

Wanderer2010

I see some managers in my workplace who I would definitely say were bullies who never matured as a 15yr old. You know the type, always trying to look intimidating, standing over someone, frowning at questions, looking annoyed etc, it makes a big difference on workers who may be new/shy/unsure etc in that they get depressed and lack all the confidence to do the job. And because they are the manager they can get away with this behavior and they know it.

The worst kind of bully is the cowardly bully. One particular manager loves to pick on new workers, expose their weakness in front of others, pile work on the them etc but he would never do the same to workers who are their longer, his old mates or women, Its all about going for the person least likely to defend themselves, which makes the cowardly bully all the more pathetic, no stones at all if they have to resort to such tactics.

cloudatlas

Analysing it the people who bullied all had poor home lives, parents getting separations or parents who were too busy to spend time with them. It's sad really that the way they chose to deal with it was to come into school and pick on some other child because of jealousy or recognizing someone who wouldn't fight back. Nobody has put any blame on the schools, teachers hear students verbally abusing students every day and do nothing about it. It seems to me that adults let the bullies down and then adults within the school let the victims down.

Ray Palmer

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I see some managers in my workplace who I would definitely say were bullies who never matured as a 15yr old. You know the type, always trying to look intimidating, standing over someone, frowning at questions, looking annoyed etc, .

That doesn't sound like bullying to me. Some people are just impatient and under stress. I think some people are just gruff and the same way shy sensitive people have to be accepted and catered for so do people like that manager.

I am not there so maybe he is a terrible bully but what was described would not be bullying in my view. It doesn't even sound like it is particularly selective which would suggest he is gruff and maybe shouldn't be a manager.

I don't even think you could call Gordon Ramsey a bully as he is equally rude to everybody and works a particular way. I wouldn't work with him or think it is a good method but it is a way of doing things.

gozunda

I believe it is important that when talking about bullying it is clear what is involved

Currently there are two main defininitions of bullying in use in this country - these are as follows:

"Bullying is defined by as repeated physical, verbal or psychological aggression directed by an individual or group against others. Bullying can occur at any age, in any environment, and can be long or short-term" (Dept of Education)
And alternatively
"repeated inappropriate behaviour, direct or indirect, whether verbal, physical or otherwise, conducted by one or more persons against another or others, at the place of work and/or in the course of employment, which could reasonably be regarded as undermining the individual‘s right to dignity at work." (HSA)

So it is NOT what someone may or may not think bullying is - bullying is clearly defined and can determined on evidence and behaviour being identified.

The main problem I see is that there is a general refusal to recognise that bullying does actually take place both in school and at work

There is a lack of perception or even willingness to deal with such bullying as organisations often prefer to bury their head in the sand and as a consequence people may have their lives and careers destroyed by such behaviour being tolerated.

Edit: tbh I also believe that 'former' bullies are often the least suitable people to actually or objectively know how they made those they bullied suffer at their hands - in serious cases there will be often a case of denial or refusal to believe that what they did was wrong
These are the worst excuses and apologists for bullying imo.

As for former and self declared bullies setting up as 'counselllors' in this area (of which I came across a few) it is to say the same degree of suitablity as getting for example a former peadophile to advise on child abuse

Ray Palmer

gozunda wrote: »

Edit: tbh I also believe that 'former' bullies are often the least suitable people to actually or objectively know how they made those they bullied suffer at their hands - in serious cases there will be often a case of denial or refusal to believe that what they did was wrong
These are the worst excuses and apologists for bullying imo.

As for former and self declared bullies setting up as 'counselllors' in this area (of which I came across a few) it is to say the same degree of suitablity as getting for example a former peadophile to advise on child abuse

By that same measure somebody who was bullied would know nothing of what is going through a bully's mind and how to change that way of thinking. They may even never try to understand the causes of bullying and just rotate around the damage done.

Just because somebody is bullied it doesn't mean they are good person or that they were nice to those around them.

To ignore the causes of bullying is not trying to address the problem. It would be akin to trying to stop drug addicts without any treatment centres.

It is not uncommon for a bully to not know how to treat people due to their own upbringing and how they are treated. Bullies often need help too and are not just evil.

old hippy

There's a bully at my workplace and that person definitely has issues. Over the years, I've learned to ignore them but every so often :mad:

When I worked in media back in Ireland, a relatively well known journo used to bully me but I found it difficult at the time to stand up to them as I feared losing my job.

gozunda

Ray Palmer wrote: »

By that same measure somebody who was bullied would know nothing of what is going through a bully's mind and how to change that way of thinking. They may even never try to understand the causes of bullying and just rotate around the damage done.

Our legal system does not use convicted murderers and sexual offendes to find out what is going thru other criminals state of mind! - they use trained psychiatrists and other professionals. Why the frack should the victim have to be concerned with the absusers frame of mind? This trite apologist stance for vicious psychological assault by those that engage in such behaviour is both bizarre and insulting to those whose lives are destroyed by those who deliberately engage in bullying either of their school peers or work collegues. I really am unsure what is more sick - this bizare assumption or the fact that anyone would trot out such bias in favour of behaviour that is at best inexcusable

Ray Palmer wrote: »

..Just because somebody is bullied it doesn't mean they are good person or that they were nice to those around them.

This is again apolosigt drivel imo - so you saying bullying is some how justified? I can I only presume that this argument could come from a serial bullier who is seeking to justify their own abhorrent behaviour - truly sick imo

Ray Palmer wrote: »

..To ignore the causes of bullying is not trying to address the problem. It would be akin to trying to stop drug addicts without any treatment centres.

The "causes of bullying" ???? This is saying that there is some logical rational for bullying behaviour ... Excuse that is a gross insult to all those that have been bullied

Would you excuse murderers with the same logic?

Ray Palmer wrote: »

...It is not uncommon for a bully to not know how to treat people due to their own upbringing and how they are treated. Bullies often need help too and are not just evil.

Grand so - bullies need to be removed and rededucated from positions of influence and contact with others and if necessary 'reeducated' into the norms of behaviour

The criminalisation of such behaviour will at least make those that select to bully others think twice before doing so

I repeat bullying is never excusable or acceptable in ANY circumstances