Do former school bullies ever regret their actions?

DColeman

Do school bullies ever regret their actions from bullying others when they were back at school?

A lot of people who say that bullies often look back when they're adults and feel bad about what they did, however I'm not so sure. Most of the bullies I grew up with at school seemed to have relished what they did, and sometimes miss the mayhem they caused to others.

In a typical darwinian society a lot of school bullies obviously become successful businessmen as those traits of torturing/bullying others with ruthless disdain become useful in a capitalistic dog eat dog society that we live in.

In your experiance do all the bullies from your school ever feel bad for the pain the caused to others? Because people who were affected from school bullying often have to live with what happened to them for the rest of their lives.

Executive Steve

Yes, some of them most certainly do.

Pai Mei

DColeman wrote: »

In a typical darwinian society a lot of school bullies obviously become successful businessmen as those traits of torturing/bullying others with ruthless disdain become useful in a capitalistic dog eat dog society that we live in..

In my experience school bullies become future drug dealers and all out scumbags

Wanderer2010

Well, in my experience, I have found a 50:50 reaction from people who used to be right wan*ers to me back when I was in school. Im now in my 30s and of the people I bumped into the past few years, a lot of them are completely different, more mature and smashing people who probably cringe when they look back at how wild they were or how gullible they were in going along with the crowd. But I do know of a few lads who became nothing, still drinking in loser pubs, never working, and still (STILL!) more than willing to throw a bit of verbal abuse your way when you walk past them as they wait to die outside their house or pub, many are on drugs and yes, the old malevolence seems to have lived on inside them. Which is very sad as they can never move on from their issues, but some people will be horrible from birth to death.

I dont have any personal experience of meeting old schoolmates who may now be in top manager positions etc so cant comment on that Im afraid.

Hownowcow

One does.

There was a guy, a couple of years older than us, who used to make our lives a misery when we were going to school. We had a nickname for him which he did not like.

I ran into him a few years ago when I was walking through my old area. He was coming towards me with his wife and two children. The years had not been kind to him.

When I saw him the memories came flooding back. I could feel the rage. I stood in front of him and called him the nickname. I could see the shock and panic in his face. He couldn't get away quick enough.

I didn't say another word, continued on my way. It felt good. Closure.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Someone who made my life a living hell bumped into me years later in a pub, bought me a pint and apologised.

Little Acorn

Hownowcow wrote: »

One does.

There was a guy, a couple of years older than us, who used to make our lives a misery when we were going to school. We had a nickname for him which he did not like.

I ran into him a few years ago when I was walking through my old area. He was coming towards me with his wife and two children. The years had not been kind to him.

When I saw him the memories came flooding back. I could feel the rage. I stood in front of him and called him the nickname. I could see the shock and panic in his face. He couldn't get away quick enough.

I didn't say another word, continued on my way. It felt good. Closure.

What was the nickname? Is this why he picked on you? If so why did you continue to call him the nickname? Is that not you lot starting on him first?

TheBody

The one's I knew grew up to be dickheads.

theholyghost

I was never a bully but I was certainly an a$$hole and probably made some people feel bad. One or two things I did would probably count as bullying. I honestly did not have the sense as a teenager to know what I was saying or how things might impact on people.

Frank Lee Midere

Little Acorn wrote: »

What was the nickname? Is this why he picked on you? If so why did you continue to call him the nickname? Is that not you lot starting on him first?

That's what I was thinking.

I wasn't bullied at school nor did I bully any schoolmates but I did participate, with a lot of the class, in tormenting a weak teacher when I was about 12-13. I then grew up. I still regret that.

3rdDegree

OP, odd that you would think that bullies become business men! Most of the guys who bullied me in school hardly finished their education and are in loser, washed up jobs and lives. A few did okay and are salt of the earth now. A couple are dead (I had nothing to do with it, mainly auto accidents). Others, I have no idea what became of them.

mikeoneil1000

the bullies i knew didn't turn out that great

mostly losers

Frogeye

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Someone who made my life a living hell bumped into me years later in a pub, bought me a pint and apologised.

A free pint ? well worth a miserable childhood and life long insecurity!

Aineoil

Just wondering and pondering here - why are some people bullies? Is it because they can? I wasn't bullied at school but I was in the workplace. The feeling of powerlessness is still upsetting.

gozunda

There is overwhelming evidence that Those that bully and have other sociopathic tendancies go on to continue such behaviour in latter life.

As such psycholocial assault is bizarrely not a criminal offence in this country - some of these individuals go on to obtain aggressive and dominant positions within companies and other organisations where there behaviour is even tolerated and rewarded.

Research has shown that some managers exhibit frequently these type of behaviours. Unfortunately in Ireland employment law ignores such behaviour where it lies outside Harrasment Law for specific categories sucb as religion, sexual orientaion and racism - the HSA have about as much authority as a bunch of chickens when it comes to bullying outside of such criteria.

It's about time that bullying behaviour where proven can be brought up as criminal behaviour - until then well the bullies continue to rule the schoolyard, the workplace and anywhere else they can get away with destroying others lives...

Hownowcow

Little Acorn wrote: »

What was the nickname? Is this why he picked on you? If so why did you continue to call him the nickname? Is that not you lot starting on him first?

I won't give the nickname. It could identify him, and me.

No the nickname was not why he picked on us. He only got the nickname a few years after he started on us. He had a very embarrassing incident that half the school witnessed.

We did not call him the nickname to his face. We only called him by the nickname amongst ourselves.

We did not start on him, he was a bigger than us. I presume this is why he started on us.

The only time I called him by the nickname to his face was as described in my earlier post.

Frank Lee Midere

gozunda wrote: »

There is overwhelming evidence that Those that bully and have other sociopathic tendancies go on to continue such behaviour in latter life.

As such psycholocial assault is bizarrely not a criminal offence in this country - some of these individuals go on to obtain aggressive and dominant positions within companies and other organisations where there behaviour is even tolerated and rewarded.

Research has shown that some managers exhibit frequently these type of behaviours. Unfortunately in Ireland employment law ignores such behaviour where it lies outside Harrasment Law for specific categories sucb as religion, sexual orientaion and racism - the HSA have about as much authority as a bunch of chickens when it comes to bullying outside of such criteria.

It's about time that bullying behaviour where proven can be brought up as criminal behaviour - until then well the bullies continue to rule the schoolyard, the workplace and anywhere else they can get away with destroying others lives...

I've seen a lot worse in other countries. But yes.

Little Acorn

Hownowcow wrote: »

I won't give the nickname. It could identify him, and me.

No the nickname was not why he picked on us. He only got the nickname a few years after he started on us. He had a very embarrassing incident that half the school witnessed.

We did not call him the nickname to his face. We only called him by the nickname amongst ourselves.

We did not start on him, he was a bigger than us. I presume this is why he started on us.

The only time I called him by the nickname to his face was as described in my earlier post.

Oh Right, I thought you meant ye started calling him a nickname and then he retaliated. Sorry for taking up your first post wrong.

becost

I'd imagine the majority of them end up having menial lives.

gozunda

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

I've seen a lot worse in other countries. But yes.

Agred It's not unique to here but at least some other other countries have legal systems / work regulations that at least have been given the balls and in some places actual powers to criminalise such behaviour where it has been proven - but then we live in a society that traditionally been ruled by sociopathic and psychotic individuals / organisations under the guise of paternalistic benelovance - time we strung the f*ckers up by their unmentionables and stop excusing such behaviours imo

Sugar Free

Frogeye wrote: »

A free pint ? well worth a miserable childhood and life long insecurity!

The person can't undo the past. At least they were able to recognise what they had done to the poster and apologised in person.

stefan idiot jones

Hownowcow wrote: »

I won't give the nickname. It could identify him, and me.

No the nickname was not why he picked on us. He only got the nickname a few years after he started on us. He had a very embarrassing incident that half the school witnessed.

We did not call him the nickname to his face. We only called him by the nickname amongst ourselves.

We did not start on him, he was a bigger than us. I presume this is why he started on us.

The only time I called him by the nickname to his face was as described in my earlier post.

You can't tease us like that.

Was his nick name 'Dog Fingerer' ?

'Sh!t My Pants' ?

'Gym Teacher's Bitch' ?

'1/2 Inch Henry' ?

'Tranny' ?

'The Guy Who Got Abused On The Way To Knock' ?


C'mon, blame me if he finds out.

Frogeye

Sugar Free wrote: »

The person can't undo the past. At least they were able to recognise what they had done to the poster and apologised in person.

yeah fair play, bit smart arsed from Frogeye. Frogeye had something similarish happen to him, when he was only a tadpole.

Guy used to give me a hard time from when I was 11 to about 15/16. nothing too serious. I didn't have to meet him all that often or anything but if i did meet him i was sure to get his attentions. I guess I brought a lot of it on myself because I wouldn't change or submit or whatever the proper word is. Anyways......

So i haven't seen the guy for about 10 years or so until one day i walks into a place to get something ( can't really give more details than that), there is yer man behind the counter. I get a big hello and a " I suppose you'll be wanting a discount" ... he was all friendly so I was friendly back. No point being bitter. He was young, I was young, it made me a bit tougher so what was the harm in the long run. Not the same for everyone I'm sorry to say.

GSF

3rdDegree wrote: »

OP, odd that you would think that bullies become business men! Most of the guys who bullied me in school hardly finished their education and are in loser, washed up jobs and lives. A few did okay and are salt of the earth now. A couple are dead (I had nothing to do with it, mainly auto accidents). Others, I have no idea what became of them.

You must have had a relay team of bullies

Legs.Eleven

I'd two guys who were part of a group who bullied me and a couple of my friends in my teens apologise to me in my twenties. It meant a lot and I accepted it. They seemed genuinely remorseful.

I'd another one forget who I was and crack on to me. I reminded him who I was and told him to piss off. That felt good.

Cienciano

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I'd two guys who were part of a group who bullied me and a couple of my friends in my teens apologise to me in my twenties. It meant a lot and I accepted it. They seemed genuinely remorseful.

I'd another one forget who I was and crack on to me. I reminded him who I was and told him to piss off. That felt good.

I reckon the "joining in the the crowd" type bully would have a better chance of being remorseful than the lone bully that singles out kids.
Sometimes you just join the crowd because you're glad it's someone else and not you being bullied.

Not that I ever did it, I was a perfect child

Vito Corleone

Pai Mei wrote: »

In my experience school bullies become future drug dealers and all out scumbags

Most of the people I know who were bullies have gone on to be very successful (or will go on to be very successful).

gozunda

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Most of the people I know who were bullies have/will go on to be very successful.

"Successful" meaning that they climb/slime/ bully their way over those that they victimise...

Unfortunately some companies / organisations see such individuals as management potential however they are often toxic and damaged goods that usually deserve at a minimum reeducation and if necessary incarceration for their behaviour which often destroys other people's lives.

As I said before it is time that this type of characteristic is outed for what it actually is - actual assault. The fact that it is psychological assault makes no difference - it is behaviour that is designed to cause actual harm to others and requires to be assigned a legal status similar to actual physical assault

And before anyone comes back and attempts to downgrade what bullying may be - bullying is well defined as:

"Bullying is defined by as repeated physical, verbal or psychological aggression directed by an individual or group against others. Bullying can occur at any age, in any environment, and can be long or short-term" (Dept of Education)
And alternatively
"repeated inappropriate behaviour, direct or indirect, whether verbal, physical or otherwise, conducted by one or more persons against another or others, at the place of work and/or in the course of employment, which could reasonably be regarded as undermining the individual‘s right to dignity at work." (HSA)

Wattle

A lot of the people I knew who were bullies usually get what's coming to them somewhere down the line. Instant karma's gonna get you.

allthedoyles

The biggest bully I knew , did go on to be a successful businessman . - Got married , divorced .

brought home a lady from Thailand over the last few years and they have kid now .

His business did get ransacked , robbed , and even burned down .

Vito Corleone

Wattle wrote: »

A lot of the people I knew who were bullies usually get what's coming to them somewhere down the line. Instant karma's gonna get you.

In Hollywood films perhaps. However, in real life, plenty of people who bullied and continue to bully will get on very well. It can be nice to think that they will get their comeuppance (some of them will) but in most cases they will live happy and fulfilling lives.

Wattle

Vito Corleone wrote: »

In Hollywood films perhaps. However, in real life, plenty of people who bullied and continue to bully will get on very well. It can be nice to think that they will get their comeuppance (some of them will) but in most cases they will live happy and fulfilling lives.

I was just writing about what I've experienced. Undoubtedly some do keep getting away with it but I think if you carry that kind of behaviour into adulthood that people will eventually abandon you. In my experience it's harder to get away with when you're a grownup.

shleedance

Some bullies mature and move on. Some don't. Luckily I matured and I'm a completely different person to today compared to what I was in secondary school.

I really tortured some students in school and its something I do really regret. I want to meet up with these people and apologise, but I'm not sure that would end well. Such things can leave people mentally scarred, but you don't realise it at the time. "Sure, it's a bit of craic", you'd think to yourself back then, completely ignorant on what you're truly doing to your victim.

Nowadays I wouldn't dream of bullying someone. I can be short and sometimes brutally honest with people, but I do not find enjoyment in belittling and torturing others anymore. Thinking about it makes me feel uneasy, to be frank.

rustedtrumpet

Very hard question to answer. I'd say a lot do regret it, because the damage caused when one is not fully mature enough to realise their actions is mostly unintentional. However, those that mature and still act that age will not regret their actions. Once a massive jerk always a massive jerk basically...

Dr Turk Turkelton

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Most of the people I know who were bullies have gone on to be very successful (or will go on to be very successful).

In fairness it might have something to do with your name!
I would imagine in your "business" bullying would be in the job description!

Jaxxy

Some do, some don't. Some grow up, mature, and with hindsight realise that what they did as young people was unproductive, damaging and downright wrong. Some genuinely don't believe that they ever did anything wrong; that they were just having fun, doing what children do. Some remain bullies for their entire lives. In the latter case, in my experience, they go on to do very little of worth in life.

3rdDegree

GSF wrote: »

You must have had a relay team of bullies

You know now that you mention it, there sort of was! It was a generational thing. Older brothers passed the mantle onto their younger siblings.

I come from a town which is a miserable hole on the face humanity. Not bitter though

Weevil

I 'experimented' with bullying, not once but twice. I was really crap at it, and am still ashamed to this day. Maybe that's what separates the average person from the criminal/political classes?

The Narrator

This seems like some sort of Brady Bunch stuff.

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for hurting your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life..."

SherlockWatson

shleedance wrote: »

Some bullies mature and move on. Some don't. Luckily I matured and I'm a completely different person to today compared to what I was in secondary school.

I really tortured some students in school and its something I do really regret. I want to meet up with these people and apologise, but I'm not sure that would end well. Such things can leave people mentally scarred, but you don't realise it at the time. "Sure, it's a bit of craic", you'd think to yourself back then, completely ignorant on what you're truly doing to your victim.

This, as a person who was bullied due to my weight, I then took it out on other people, I was a cúnt when I was younger.


And yes, OP, I do regret every second of it.

gozunda

The Narrator wrote: »

This seems like some sort of Brady Bunch stuff.

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for hurting your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life..."

Interesting viewpoint however ...

The bully or bullies as entities may or may not believe they become insignificant over time given the nature of the bullying inflicted and presuming that such bullying is no longer a factor in a persons life. However the actual impact of such bullying and the harm caused to an individual may often remain where harm is defined by the following

"Actual physical bodily harm, financial loss, stress or shock, damage to reputation OR emotional or psychological harm such as shame, humiliation and fear"

(SECTION 57 CRIMINAL PROCEDURE AMENDMENT ACT 1999)

Overall the actual point given is moot in that it asks the 'bully' - the fictional Jeannie if she is ok with what she has done to her brother and she in reply states that as the victim is no longer significant to her it therefore dictates the logic that such bullying is now negated and irrelevant - well perhaps for the fictional Jeannie. - maybe someone should ask the fictional brother whether this behaviour was so insignificant and irrelevant.....

Try this version ...

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for knifing your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life"

monkeysnapper

I was bullied a bit in primary school. I think kids are the worst most nasty things on the planet , I even see it in my own kids.

But anyway there was a boy in school with me , he was picked on a lot, ( not by me) he was the short fat kid who always used to play with the girls . And got terrible abuse. I think if I remember right his mum and dad stopped girls coming round to play with him.

Years later, the guys 38 and he's like a super model , moved away and looks like he spends most of his time in the gym. Turns out he got married, got a kid and came out and now openly gay.
If he went back to our town now I'd say most of the dickheads would still pick on him. That's the kind of small minded people we grew up with.

cantdecide

I had a very unhappy childhood as a result of being picked on and jeered mercilessly in primary school. I was the kids with the curly mop top and jam-jar glasses. I was much bigger than the other kids and fat too so there was no physical bullying just relentless name calling.

Years later, I come face to face with the bullies and they inevitably appear pretty sheepish to say the least. I remember being at a party in my early twenties and one of the particularly vicious bullies sitting adjacent to me. He turned to my brother and chatted and eventually said 'errr... tell your brother I was asking for him okay' to which my brother said 'tell him yourself, sure he's right there'. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. He went ashen.

I think when they have their own kids they get a new perspective...

castletownman

Many years later, the guy who used to bully me in school still takes my lunch money.

He makes a great Subway sandwich though

witchgirl26

I was bullied fairly badly in primary school. Completely physcological. I have seen the bully once since I was 14 but didn't talk to her. Just walked past & blanked her. I don't know how her life has turned out despite the fact she still lives near enough my mum. To be honest, part of me doesn't care about her. If she does regret it and made an attempt to apologise, then I would accept it. Would it wipe away the years of uncertainty & lack of confidence I suffered? No not a chance but would I appreciate how hard it would be to face that she caused that and attempt to do something now? Yes I would.

During the whole thing, I was influenced enough to be mean to someone who was a friend. I got in touch via facebook (I didn't have a way of finding out where she was) a few years ago & apologised profusely to her. I felt horrible & still do as to the way I treated her. I am enormously grateful that she accepted my apology.

Frank Black

As a former bully, I think it's the things that you haven't done which you regret the most.
Should I have bullied the ginger kid with the curly hair?
Why did I ease up on the gay kid with the chronic acne?

I guess regret is something you have to learn to live with.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Some people who made my life hell in school speak to me when they see me out. I'm not the shy young one I was, and I'd have no problem reminding them why I think they should fuc.k off.

I do think though, that maybe they don't realise the effect what they perceive to be funny may have on a person though. I met a girl I was best friends with in primary school, who bullied me in secondary school and who stood on the street sneering at me a few months after school had ended, when she was with her boyfriend. About six years later I was out with my friends, and she walked up to me and was all like 'Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I didn't, for the record.

cantdecide

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I don't hold any ill feelings against my tormentors. To see the humiliation in their eyes is enough but in fairness, she just wanted the forgiveness without the contrition. She obviously still has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn't have accepted her half assed apology either.

Hoop66

I have a friend who was way bigger than the other kids in his year when he was about 12-13. He was physically a bully, and definitely regrets it now. I'd go so far as to say that he suffers greatly from guilt about it.

I was bullied at school and had a nice closure, at least with one of those who bullied me. I was fairly small at 11/12/13 and one guy who was int he year above relentlessly bullied me. He would get me into trouble and then ask me to bribe him (usually with sweets/biscuits etc) to get out of trouble. This was a boarding school so kids only a year older had power over those younger.
Fast forward a few years. I am living in London working for a conservation charity, I am 6'2" well-built and have dreadlocks and a large beard. Spotted this guy on the tube and spoke to him. Just asked him whether he had gone to x school and whether he remembered various people, which he did. When I asked if he remembered me he flat out denied it, and I could see, plainly, that he was lying and that he was ****ting himself. I just left it at that, I rather enjoyed it.

I Heart Internet

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Some people who made my life hell in school speak to me when they see me out. I'm not the shy young one I was, and I'd have no problem reminding them why I think they should fuc.k off.

I do think though, that maybe they don't realise the effect what they perceive to be funny may have on a person though. I met a girl I was best friends with in primary school, who bullied me in secondary school and who stood on the street sneering at me a few months after school had ended, when she was with her boyfriend. About six years later I was out with my friends, and she walked up to me and was all like 'Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I didn't, for the record.

Just wondering, would you have accepted a full apology from her in person - before or after you reminded her what she did?

I was bullied (name-calling and a bit of intimidation - never physical) in secondary school. It was reasonably minor compared to many cases on here BUT, looking back, it still actually shapes my entire memory of what secondary school was like. I can remember great times there. I can remember never laughing so much as I did there. But at the same time there was always the spectre of someone mocking and humiliating you in a coridor or stairwell. It shaped my personality to a certain extent...and not in a very good way.

Anyway, I think (how can you ever be sure in your "heart-of-hearts") that I've forgiven anyone involved. I had a small chat with one of the chief idiots shortly before leaving school and it dawned on both of us that I was a winner (of to university) and he was loser (off to....nothing much). I feel sorry for them and wish them no harm.

If one (and it was only a small handful) of them came up to me in a pub and apologised I'd accept it gracefully. He's have to introduce himself though as I've no realy idea what they woul dlook like or even their names. I guess I have forgotten them.

I got bullied a lot during secondary school and I honestly don't know how I would react if one apologized to me. If it were one day or a fleeting thing, then sure an apology is OK, but for years? Nope. Not at all. Can't forgive you, will never forget.