Do former school bullies ever regret their actions?

Wattle

Vito Corleone wrote: »

In Hollywood films perhaps. However, in real life, plenty of people who bullied and continue to bully will get on very well. It can be nice to think that they will get their comeuppance (some of them will) but in most cases they will live happy and fulfilling lives.

I was just writing about what I've experienced. Undoubtedly some do keep getting away with it but I think if you carry that kind of behaviour into adulthood that people will eventually abandon you. In my experience it's harder to get away with when you're a grownup.

shleedance

Some bullies mature and move on. Some don't. Luckily I matured and I'm a completely different person to today compared to what I was in secondary school.

I really tortured some students in school and its something I do really regret. I want to meet up with these people and apologise, but I'm not sure that would end well. Such things can leave people mentally scarred, but you don't realise it at the time. "Sure, it's a bit of craic", you'd think to yourself back then, completely ignorant on what you're truly doing to your victim.

Nowadays I wouldn't dream of bullying someone. I can be short and sometimes brutally honest with people, but I do not find enjoyment in belittling and torturing others anymore. Thinking about it makes me feel uneasy, to be frank.

rustedtrumpet

Very hard question to answer. I'd say a lot do regret it, because the damage caused when one is not fully mature enough to realise their actions is mostly unintentional. However, those that mature and still act that age will not regret their actions. Once a massive jerk always a massive jerk basically...

Dr Turk Turkelton

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Most of the people I know who were bullies have gone on to be very successful (or will go on to be very successful).

In fairness it might have something to do with your name!
I would imagine in your "business" bullying would be in the job description!

Jaxxy

Some do, some don't. Some grow up, mature, and with hindsight realise that what they did as young people was unproductive, damaging and downright wrong. Some genuinely don't believe that they ever did anything wrong; that they were just having fun, doing what children do. Some remain bullies for their entire lives. In the latter case, in my experience, they go on to do very little of worth in life.

3rdDegree

GSF wrote: »

You must have had a relay team of bullies

You know now that you mention it, there sort of was! It was a generational thing. Older brothers passed the mantle onto their younger siblings.

I come from a town which is a miserable hole on the face humanity. Not bitter though

Weevil

I 'experimented' with bullying, not once but twice. I was really crap at it, and am still ashamed to this day. Maybe that's what separates the average person from the criminal/political classes?

The Narrator

This seems like some sort of Brady Bunch stuff.

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for hurting your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life..."

SherlockWatson

shleedance wrote: »

Some bullies mature and move on. Some don't. Luckily I matured and I'm a completely different person to today compared to what I was in secondary school.

I really tortured some students in school and its something I do really regret. I want to meet up with these people and apologise, but I'm not sure that would end well. Such things can leave people mentally scarred, but you don't realise it at the time. "Sure, it's a bit of craic", you'd think to yourself back then, completely ignorant on what you're truly doing to your victim.

This, as a person who was bullied due to my weight, I then took it out on other people, I was a cúnt when I was younger.


And yes, OP, I do regret every second of it.

gozunda

The Narrator wrote: »

This seems like some sort of Brady Bunch stuff.

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for hurting your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life..."

Interesting viewpoint however ...

The bully or bullies as entities may or may not believe they become insignificant over time given the nature of the bullying inflicted and presuming that such bullying is no longer a factor in a persons life. However the actual impact of such bullying and the harm caused to an individual may often remain where harm is defined by the following

"Actual physical bodily harm, financial loss, stress or shock, damage to reputation OR emotional or psychological harm such as shame, humiliation and fear"

(SECTION 57 CRIMINAL PROCEDURE AMENDMENT ACT 1999)

Overall the actual point given is moot in that it asks the 'bully' - the fictional Jeannie if she is ok with what she has done to her brother and she in reply states that as the victim is no longer significant to her it therefore dictates the logic that such bullying is now negated and irrelevant - well perhaps for the fictional Jeannie. - maybe someone should ask the fictional brother whether this behaviour was so insignificant and irrelevant.....

Try this version ...

"Jeanie, don't you feel bad for knifing your brother?"

"Well no, because he seems fairly unsignificant as I move forward with my life"

monkeysnapper

I was bullied a bit in primary school. I think kids are the worst most nasty things on the planet , I even see it in my own kids.

But anyway there was a boy in school with me , he was picked on a lot, ( not by me) he was the short fat kid who always used to play with the girls . And got terrible abuse. I think if I remember right his mum and dad stopped girls coming round to play with him.

Years later, the guys 38 and he's like a super model , moved away and looks like he spends most of his time in the gym. Turns out he got married, got a kid and came out and now openly gay.
If he went back to our town now I'd say most of the dickheads would still pick on him. That's the kind of small minded people we grew up with.

cantdecide

I had a very unhappy childhood as a result of being picked on and jeered mercilessly in primary school. I was the kids with the curly mop top and jam-jar glasses. I was much bigger than the other kids and fat too so there was no physical bullying just relentless name calling.

Years later, I come face to face with the bullies and they inevitably appear pretty sheepish to say the least. I remember being at a party in my early twenties and one of the particularly vicious bullies sitting adjacent to me. He turned to my brother and chatted and eventually said 'errr... tell your brother I was asking for him okay' to which my brother said 'tell him yourself, sure he's right there'. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. He went ashen.

I think when they have their own kids they get a new perspective...

castletownman

Many years later, the guy who used to bully me in school still takes my lunch money.

He makes a great Subway sandwich though

witchgirl26

I was bullied fairly badly in primary school. Completely physcological. I have seen the bully once since I was 14 but didn't talk to her. Just walked past & blanked her. I don't know how her life has turned out despite the fact she still lives near enough my mum. To be honest, part of me doesn't care about her. If she does regret it and made an attempt to apologise, then I would accept it. Would it wipe away the years of uncertainty & lack of confidence I suffered? No not a chance but would I appreciate how hard it would be to face that she caused that and attempt to do something now? Yes I would.

During the whole thing, I was influenced enough to be mean to someone who was a friend. I got in touch via facebook (I didn't have a way of finding out where she was) a few years ago & apologised profusely to her. I felt horrible & still do as to the way I treated her. I am enormously grateful that she accepted my apology.

Frank Black

As a former bully, I think it's the things that you haven't done which you regret the most.
Should I have bullied the ginger kid with the curly hair?
Why did I ease up on the gay kid with the chronic acne?

I guess regret is something you have to learn to live with.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Some people who made my life hell in school speak to me when they see me out. I'm not the shy young one I was, and I'd have no problem reminding them why I think they should fuc.k off.

I do think though, that maybe they don't realise the effect what they perceive to be funny may have on a person though. I met a girl I was best friends with in primary school, who bullied me in secondary school and who stood on the street sneering at me a few months after school had ended, when she was with her boyfriend. About six years later I was out with my friends, and she walked up to me and was all like 'Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I didn't, for the record.

cantdecide

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I don't hold any ill feelings against my tormentors. To see the humiliation in their eyes is enough but in fairness, she just wanted the forgiveness without the contrition. She obviously still has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn't have accepted her half assed apology either.

Hoop66

I have a friend who was way bigger than the other kids in his year when he was about 12-13. He was physically a bully, and definitely regrets it now. I'd go so far as to say that he suffers greatly from guilt about it.

I was bullied at school and had a nice closure, at least with one of those who bullied me. I was fairly small at 11/12/13 and one guy who was int he year above relentlessly bullied me. He would get me into trouble and then ask me to bribe him (usually with sweets/biscuits etc) to get out of trouble. This was a boarding school so kids only a year older had power over those younger.
Fast forward a few years. I am living in London working for a conservation charity, I am 6'2" well-built and have dreadlocks and a large beard. Spotted this guy on the tube and spoke to him. Just asked him whether he had gone to x school and whether he remembered various people, which he did. When I asked if he remembered me he flat out denied it, and I could see, plainly, that he was lying and that he was ****ting himself. I just left it at that, I rather enjoyed it.

I Heart Internet

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Some people who made my life hell in school speak to me when they see me out. I'm not the shy young one I was, and I'd have no problem reminding them why I think they should fuc.k off.

I do think though, that maybe they don't realise the effect what they perceive to be funny may have on a person though. I met a girl I was best friends with in primary school, who bullied me in secondary school and who stood on the street sneering at me a few months after school had ended, when she was with her boyfriend. About six years later I was out with my friends, and she walked up to me and was all like 'Lexie, is it?? I think you were in my class in school'. Mannnn I bugged out. I told her how dare she approach me, that she knew right well who I was considering she bullied the life and soul out of me, gave her a few home truths on what I thought of her and her family, and when I was done ranting I told her to get to fuc.k out of my sight. She had tears falling as she walked away, and that night, I got a message on Facebook - telling me she could genuinely not remember anything she may have done to offend me but clearly she had judging by my reaction and that she wasnt that person anymore and that she was upset ashamed and embarrassed and hoped that I would accept her apology.

I didn't, for the record.

Just wondering, would you have accepted a full apology from her in person - before or after you reminded her what she did?

I was bullied (name-calling and a bit of intimidation - never physical) in secondary school. It was reasonably minor compared to many cases on here BUT, looking back, it still actually shapes my entire memory of what secondary school was like. I can remember great times there. I can remember never laughing so much as I did there. But at the same time there was always the spectre of someone mocking and humiliating you in a coridor or stairwell. It shaped my personality to a certain extent...and not in a very good way.

Anyway, I think (how can you ever be sure in your "heart-of-hearts") that I've forgiven anyone involved. I had a small chat with one of the chief idiots shortly before leaving school and it dawned on both of us that I was a winner (of to university) and he was loser (off to....nothing much). I feel sorry for them and wish them no harm.

If one (and it was only a small handful) of them came up to me in a pub and apologised I'd accept it gracefully. He's have to introduce himself though as I've no realy idea what they woul dlook like or even their names. I guess I have forgotten them.

I got bullied a lot during secondary school and I honestly don't know how I would react if one apologized to me. If it were one day or a fleeting thing, then sure an apology is OK, but for years? Nope. Not at all. Can't forgive you, will never forget.

anncoates

I've no doubt that some kids can be a bit cruel and conformist when younger and turn out to be quite normal and decent people.

Fukuyama

I don't really have much to ad to this thread other than a quick story from my last job. I guess it shows a form which bullying can take and that it can be difficult to deal with.

I won't go into too much detail, but basically a long-term female member of staff took exception to a new female member of staff for some reason. From the snide remarks she made behind the other girls back I gather she was feeling quite threatened professionally by the new female member of staff.

One day I was on till and the new girl was due to arrive for her shift which would involve some use of an ancient laptop. It was so old it needed an external WiFi card to connect to the company WiFi. The longterm member of staff decided to hide the WiFi card and had a "haha fcuk her" attitude about it. It all happened in the blink of an eye; seconds before the new girl was about to enter the room. I immediately felt my stomach flip and I froze up.

I was relatively new in the job and the long-term female would be somewhat my superior (not officially, but she'd be the contact point for the manager). I didn't know what to do.

This would leave the new girl up **** creek when it came to her work. And the longterm girl was hogging the office desktop pc (on purpose) so she couldn't even use that. The card was never removed from the laptop so it would be obvious someone was hiding it. She'd ask me about it too.

I felt terrible. After a minute or so (right before new girl was due to come in) I just took the card and put it back in the laptop. Got a few scorns and was definitely never privvy to long-term girl's bullying games again. I was also on her bad side which meant some ****ty rosters for the next few weeks.

I also observed her doing other things such as standing right behind the new girl when she worked. Not even saying anything but it exerted a kind of dominance over her and put pressure on her. It's hard to call someone out on that especially when they're professionally above you.

I didn't tell the manager out of not wanting to interfere with the new girls business. Although now I wish I had.

It wasn't a clear cut situation from my point of view.

Bullying would be a lot easier to deal with if it was only the childish playground crap. But bullies are vindictive and in the workplace can easily make a new person look bad/unprofessional by sabotage, rumours etc...

All it takes is one simple act to throw a persons work/reputation into doubt.

They feed of passive or direct support from others too. I've been the listening ear to gossipers/rumour spreaders. I've never spread a rumour further and have rarely called the gossipers out on their behaviour as the workplace isn't somewhere you need to go making your own enemies. When someone randomly starts bitching about another person in the canteen or whatever, even if it's only for a few seconds, it can be hard to put a stop to it. I generally just go 'mmm' so they get the idea I'm not interested.

On the other side of the coin it can be a valuable tool to watch who is bullying so you can steer clear and predict their actions... they're normally idiots who need other people to step on.

I have a deep seated hate for bullies. But I'm no dreamer who thinks it always easy to stand up to them. To do so you could easily lose you job or even be accused of bullying yourself.

I think some people will regret bullying others when they're younger.

But for a lot of people their only way to survive is to step on anyone in a position even slightly weaker than their own. The workplace puts people in positions where they cannot be questioned in their authority. So a manager can easily bully someone by giving them crappy hours, putting pressure on them and hide perfectly well behind their title.

doug_the_head

was never bullied in school but had a horrendous bullying in the workplace experience at the age of twenty while overseas , I think workplace bullying might be worse , you can roll with the punches better when your young

I doubt my bully would ever regret what they did , this woman was in her mid thirties and a complete sociopath , often thought about writing to her but sure it would only make her happy to know I got depression out of the ordeal

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Nope, would not in a million years forgive anybody from that time in my life, I went into secondary school so quiet, and shy that I couldn't even say "here" when the class register was being called, and it's a direct result of other people's actions. People tend to get one chance with me and when they blow that, they're cut out for good, unless they're super special.

I Heart Internet

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Nope, would not in a million years forgive anybody from that time in my life, I went into secondary school so quiet, and shy that I couldn't even say "here" when the class register was being called, and it's a direct result of other people's actions. People tend to get one chance with me and when they blow that, they're cut out for good, unless they're super special.

I recognise that - the quiet/shy bit. I kept my head down for most of secondary school and I guess I still keep my head down. No knowing what I might be like (for better or worse) if this hadn't happened.

But I'm married now to a lovely wife and have an amazing kid and decent job so happy out!:D

old hippy

Pai Mei wrote: »

In my experience school bullies become future drug dealers and all out scumbags

In my experience, they tend to end up successful business people

Also, being bullied and called "******" by some who were in the closet was ironic.

TheDoc

Odd topic for me, don't think we had a "bully" in our school. There was proper good banter and sometimes it went to far. I know I got the **** ripped out of me for four years, but laughed it off, and it was alaugh. I never actually got upset over it to be fair. And I could dish as good as I got.

Genuinely dont remember a case where someone got proper bullied. We definitly had some lads who ALWAYS ripped the piss, but if things started getting too much, some of the hard lads would intervene saying to give it a rest, or turn the slagging on them. Funny enough what I considered the proper hard lads, kept relatively quiet, got involved in the banter, would ask for help with stuff and would genuinely appreciate it.

Think I went to a weird school, never witnessed any physical bullying : /

Although I'm sure what was a bit of piss taking and craic, how has some modern para-phrase of bullying. I was one of the weird kids in a sense that I loved videogames and into really nerdy stuff, but played and loved football aswell, and listened to Rap and Heavy metal, so it's like I kinda fitted in with everything, and didn't really have something to pick on, odd.

Cupcake_Crisis

I think SOME certainly do.

I was bullied in secondary school my a group of 4 girls, it got so bad towards the end that I had to leave the school for my own mental health. Once I left the school in question, I began to put it all behind me and the new school I went to really helped with that. I never saw or heard from any of them again.

Until about 2 years ago, about 5 years after I left the school, I was in a shopping center and one of the girls who made my life hell recognised me. She approached me, asked me if I would get a coffee with her. She sat me down, and almost on the verge of tears apolagised for everything she had ever done and said to me, that she knew she and her friends at the time made my life hell and I didn't deserve it.

It would have been very easy for me to tell her to fcuk off, that her apolagy just wasn't enough, but imo it took guts to do what she did, and it seemed very sincere. I accepted her apology and we both went our seperate ways, and we've never spoken since.

Aezur

Maybe a controversial viewpoint, but is bullying not in some part in the mind of the 'bullee'? When I was 14ish I was a little goth kid and got bullied quite substantially, both physically and psychologically. One guy punched me in the face literally every time he walked passed me. I was 'jumped' by multiple assailants numerous times and couldnt walk down the street without having things shouted at me. The thing was that I was very popular amongst the goth kids. I always had a lot of friends. I always had a good looking girlfriend etc. It never got me down. I considered it a part of being 'different'. It wasn't until years later that I realised how extreme it actually was. I would just think 'small town, small minds' and move on.

witchgirl26

Just a quick question for those who say they wouldn't accept an apology from their bully. How does it help you? Ignoring the bully's feelings at all but how does not accepting the apology or giving it to them really help you in the long run?

While I hate what happened to me & still struggle with aspects of it, in regards the actual person involved I feel pretty much nothing. They rarely cross my mind (only if discussing a topic like this) & I feel no hate or pity for them. I feel nothing. If they apologised, I'd accept it as that person means nothing to me at all so their words don't affect my life now. I'm not saying I wouldn't let them know just how bad it had been but I actually don't think there'd be any anger left behind it - just hard facts.