Black Tie Wedding - Do you give a smaller present?

veetwin

As per the title is it the done thing to give a smaller gift to offset the cost of tuxedo rental?

Addle

No.

Shoves

No. I wouldn't reduce my gift to offset the cost of getting a new dress and my hair done.

veetwin

Shoves wrote: »

No. I wouldn't reduce my gift to offset the cost of getting a new dress and my hair done.

Not wanting to argue with you but you might have the option wearing a previously worn dress and you could do your own hair. Most men I know do not own a tuxedo so rental is the only option.

Addle

I give a wedding gift to wish the couple well on their marriage.
My gift is not affected by costs incurred in attending the reception.

username123

Usually its only referred to as "Black Tie" to prevent eejits turning up in jeans. Last 2 black tie weddings I went to there were a number of men in suits that werent tuxedos.

amdublin

Unfortunately not

Brides and grooms tend not to think about their guests when they are setting daft themes like this.

Shoves

veetwin wrote: »

Not wanting to argue with you but you might have the option wearing a previously worn dress and you could do your own hair. Most men I know do not own a tuxedo so rental is the only option.

Yeah I see your point. But because I'm high maintenance and would never wear the same outfit twice or even DREAM of doing my own hair, I wouldn't take it out on my friends by giving a lesser gift.

Ok sorry, only joking!
But honestly no I wouldn't be thinking like that at all, I'd be happy to be incoted. If you're worried that you can't afford it then I just wouldn't go.
Check with the groom, I'm sure it'd be fine if you wear a suit. They probably just don't want people showing up in jeans or runners.

Layinghen

Unfortunately not. Many people don't bother with a tuxedo for black tie events anymore. They wear a normal dark suit with a black tie.

sweetie

Buy a tux in dunnes for 100 you will get a few weddings out of it

pwurple

No it's not the done thing to deduct costs from a gift.

Not everyone will be renting either. My husband and brothers have a tux in the wardrobe.

veetwin

username123 wrote: »

Usually its only referred to as "Black Tie" to prevent eejits turning up in jeans. Last 2 black tie weddings I went to there were a number of men in suits that werent tuxedos.

I'm sorry but if it's black tie then its black tie. That to me means a tuxedo with a white shirt, winged collar and black bow tie. Not a dark suit with a black tie. I've only been to a few black tie events but any of those I was at where the men wore anything other than a tuxedo looked a bit out of place and maybe came off as a bit off a cheap skate. Maybe I'm just a traditionalist.

@ amdublin, I agree, black tie weddings are selfish on the part of the couple.

@ sweetie, I didn't know Dunnes were doing a tux for €100 but on top of that would be the shirt and bow tie. I can get a rental for €65 and hopefully this will the last black tie event of my life:)

username123

veetwin wrote: »

I'm sorry but if it's black tie then its black tie. That to me means a tuxedo with a white shirt, winged collar and black bow tie. Not a dark suit with a black tie. I've only been to a few black tie events but any of those I was at where the men wore anything other than a tuxedo looked a bit out of place and maybe came off as a bit off a cheap skate. Maybe I'm just a traditionalist.

Theres no need to be sorry, Im simply telling you my experience of weddings generally and black tie rarely means a tuxedo for weddings these days, its simply used as a way to ensure formality (as mentioned, to prevent eejits turning up in jeans). Im not talking about other events.

Whatever you want it to mean to you - is your own perogative. But a rented tux is usually a cheapo looking option imo - its always obvious its a rental. Whereas a good well cut suit is clearly a more expensive option (if thats what you are concerned about).

But hey, you rent a tux and be traditional if thats what makes you happy. And offset the cost on the present - cos that wont look cheap at all. Then youll have a cheap tux and a cheap present.

Or, have some individuality, dress well and give a nice present.

veetwin

username123 wrote: »

But a rented tux is usually a cheapo looking option imo - its always obvious its a rental. Whereas a good well cut suit is clearly a more expensive option (if thats what you are concerned about).

But hey, you rent a tux and be traditional if thats what makes you happy. And offset the cost on the present - cos that wont look cheap at all. Then youll have a cheap tux and a cheap present.

Or, have some individuality, dress well and give a nice present.

OK if I'm going to rent a tuxedo I will of course be looking for quality. I have been at 3 black tie events in my lifetime. On one of those occasions I rented a poor quality tux but on the other 2 the quality was excellent so I will be doing the same again.

On the individuality question surely the bride and groom are doing their best to remove individuality (on the part of the men at least) by insisting on a black tie wedding? Surely if you are having a black tie wedding you expect that the men will wear a tuxedo? (bought or rented I'm sure they wont care)

Thirdly where did I say I was going to give a cheap present?

I was merely asking the question if it was the done thing to give less of a present given the extra costs incurred by the men..it appears that the general concensus is no so I will be giving the usual amount.

veetwin

Maybe this question is for a separate thread and I'm sure there are loads but what is the usual cash gift nowadays? I was thinking around the €200 mark for a couple not related to either bride or groom?

Lisha

150euro seems to be normal in my experience.
200euro would be very very close friends or family

If I had to shell out for a black tie wedding then I would give a smaller present, financially I'd have no bloody choice, being told what to wear can be expensive (and rude imo)

clint_silver

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If I had to shell out for a black tie wedding then I would give a smaller present, financially I'd have no bloody choice, being told what to wear can be expensive (and rude imo)

I'm with this. Although I work at weddings if I'm a guest than I work out the present as how a factor of how much cost I've incurred. I attended a relations black tie, no kids affair in mayo 2 years ago. Must have cost us 500-600e just to get there and back, tux rental, dress for her, hair, accommodation, drinks, baby Sitters. For one night. Couple were from Dublin. Place was great, day was great but They didn't give a fiddlers toss about expense guests had to incur and I heard afterwards they were disappointed with presents.
Easily put 400e on the bill with travel and tux and accommodation for every couple.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy to attend it, I like the couple in question, they just put a lot of expense on people.

April O Neill

veetwin wrote: »

Maybe this question is for a separate thread and I'm sure there are loads but what is the usual cash gift nowadays? I was thinking around the €200 mark for a couple not related to either bride or groom?

WAY too much, IMO. I'd give 100.

username123

veetwin wrote: »

On the individuality question surely the bride and groom are doing their best to remove individuality (on the part of the men at least) by insisting on a black tie wedding? Surely if you are having a black tie wedding you expect that the men will wear a tuxedo? (bought or rented I'm sure they wont care)

Youve already been told by more than me that black tie at a wedding is used to prevent people turning up in jeans and a dark suit will be fine.

amdublin

username123 wrote: »

Youve already been told by more than me that black tie at a wedding is used to prevent people turning up in jeans and a dark suit will be fine.

What's wrong with a pair of jeans??

amdublin

amdublin wrote: »

What's wrong with a pair of jeans??

Won't let me edit but my point is who are to dictate what can or cannot be worn by someone.

If someone wants to wear jeans what's it to you?

Hannibal Smith

username123 wrote: »

Theres no need to be sorry, Im simply telling you my experience of weddings generally and black tie rarely means a tuxedo for weddings these days, its simply used as a way to ensure formality (as mentioned, to prevent eejits turning up in jeans). Im not talking about other events.

Whatever you want it to mean to you - is your own perogative. But a rented tux is usually a cheapo looking option imo - its always obvious its a rental. Whereas a good well cut suit is clearly a more expensive option (if thats what you are concerned about).

But hey, you rent a tux and be traditional if thats what makes you happy. And offset the cost on the present - cos that wont look cheap at all. Then youll have a cheap tux and a cheap present.

Or, have some individuality, dress well and give a nice present.

A tuxedo always looks well, whether rented or not and always look better than a suit. But this is all individual opinion of course

Op to be fair, if you have to go to the expense of renting a suit, I would deduct from the present. Its them putting you to extra expense....you're supposed to be their guest. I think people forget that when organising weddings.

At the end of the day they're not going to have a list of who bought what and call you all out.

username123

amdublin wrote: »

Won't let me edit but my point is who are to dictate what can or cannot be worn by someone.

If someone wants to wear jeans what's it to you?

Presumably its to keep the occasion formal. They want to look back at their wedding day and see pictures of people dressed well attending an event? Maybe they have eejity friends who would think nothing of attending a formal event in jeans and football jerseys?

At the end of the day, if they are paying for the party they are entitled to dictate whatever silly rules they like (ever been to a colour themed wedding?), and guests are entitled to accept or reject the invite as they like.

Gatica

Deleted User wrote: »

If I had to shell out for a black tie wedding then I would give a smaller present, financially I'd have no bloody choice, being told what to wear can be expensive (and rude imo)

I agree with this and Clint_silver. It's expensive enough to attend weddings without having to pander to specific B&G requirements. Sure, most weddings are formal enough events and people should dress accordingly. Maybe the group of friends username123 has use that clause as a "do not be informal" hint. However, I wouldn't assume that a black-tie event has an optional tag on it as to its formality. I would as would my friends assume that a tux was required for men and cocktail or full length gown for women. I think anyone wearing anything "individual" would look out of place.
I personally would have to offset the cost of the wedding simply because of the costs incurred in attending it, especially since this requirement is out of the norm. They're inviting guests to attend a personal event not sold tickets to a show.

Hannibal Smith

username123 wrote: »

Presumably its to keep the occasion formal. They want to look back at their wedding day and see pictures of people dressed well attending an event? Maybe they have eejity friends who would think nothing of attending a formal event in jeans and football jerseys?

At the end of the day, if they are paying for the party they are entitled to dictate whatever silly rules they like (ever been to a colour themed wedding?), and guests are entitled to accept or reject the invite as they like.

No, they are inviting people to share in their day. They could have a bit of manners about it

clint_silver

Gatica wrote: »

I agree with this and Clint_silver. It's expensive enough to attend weddings without having to pander to specific B&G requirements. Sure, most weddings are formal enough events and people should dress accordingly. Maybe the group of friends username123 has use that clause as a "do not be informal" hint. However, I wouldn't assume that a black-tie event has an optional tag on it as to its formality. I would as would my friends assume that a tux was required for men and cocktail or full length gown for women. I think anyone wearing anything "individual" would look out of place.
I personally would have to offset the cost of the wedding simply because of the costs incurred in attending it, especially since this requirement is out of the norm. They're inviting guests to attend a personal event not sold tickets to a show.

Yes, "Black tie" means tux for a man. Even if you wear a dark suit, you'll look formal but out of place.
I'm at anything between 70-100 weddings a year. No guests wear jeans. Even eejity (love that word) friends don't.

witnessmenow

April O Neill wrote: »

WAY too much, IMO. I'd give 100.

I'm not saying your wrong, but when a work colleague got married before Christmas I gave €150 for myself and my GF and I kind of regretted not giving more. Especially as the elaborate thank you card arrived last week.

A pretty good friend of mine got married last June and I gave €200, and I also kind of wish I gave more (although with this one I didn't have as much money at the time as I was going to Poland, and also we have become closer friends since the wedding)

The "norm" is about €50-€100 per person, but pay whatever you are happy with, not what other people dictate. Don't just give €100 for a couple because someone on the internet said €150 was too much.

They will probably really appreciate anything you give them.

username123

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

No, they are inviting people to share in their day. They could have a bit of manners about it

Why? Its their day, theyre paying. They can do what they like. Theres no rules on being mannerly to invite people to things.

username123

clint_silver wrote: »

Yes, "Black tie" means tux for a man. Even if you wear a dark suit, you'll look formal but out of place.
I'm at anything between 70-100 weddings a year. No guests wear jeans. Even eejity (love that word) friends don't.

Nonsense. Some men will wear a dark suit and they will look fine. Ive seen jeans wearers at wedding too - one showed at mine - it happens.

veetwin

username123 wrote: »

Nonsense. Some men will wear a dark suit and they will look fine. Ive seen jeans wearers at wedding too - one showed at mine - it happens.

I'm afraid we are going to have to agree to disagree. Wearing a dark suit to a black tie event just looks plain wrong imho.

The expectation of the bride and groom is that men will wear a tuxedo. As for jeans wearers to a wedding. Well they are just @rseholes. If they came to my wedding wearing jeans they would have been shown the door;)

TonyStark

sweetie wrote: »

Buy a tux in dunnes for 100 you will get a few weddings out of it

Or marks and sparks have deals running up to Christmas :-)

username123

veetwin wrote: »

As for jeans wearers to a wedding. Well they are just @rseholes. If they came to my wedding wearing jeans they would have been shown the door;)

Agreed on that. Worse in football jerseys!

loveisdivine

What ever happened to a gift being just a gift. Why does it have to be a representation of how much you have spent attending their day?

Also, if a host specifies that an event is black tie, there is no need to get your knickers in a twist about it and start deducting from gift money. If you don't want to spend money on a dress or suit then just don't go. Or go and wear something you already own, who cares if its not brand new. Its hardly like you're gonna get turned away at the door for not having a jacket.Don't just give out about the cheek of the host not taking your financial situation into consideration.

If you can only afford to give a smaller present because of other expenses, then give a smaller one. But don't only give a smaller one out of principle, it just makes it seem like you don't really want to give them a gift and you're looking for reasons to get away with giving them less.

Having said all that when I get married in a few months people can wear whatever the f*ck they want and I don't care if they don't give us a gift or card.

April O Neill

witnessmenow wrote: »

I'm not saying your wrong, but when a work colleague got married before Christmas I gave €150 for myself and my GF and I kind of regretted not giving more. Especially as the elaborate thank you card arrived last week.

A pretty good friend of mine got married last June and I gave €200, and I also kind of wish I gave more (although with this one I didn't have as much money at the time as I was going to Poland, and also we have become closer friends since the wedding)

The "norm" is about €50-€100 per person, but pay whatever you are happy with, not what other people dictate. Don't just give €100 for a couple because someone on the internet said €150 was too much.

They will probably really appreciate anything you give them.

I'm sorry, did you miss the part where I said it was my opinion?

veetwin

loveisdivine wrote: »

What ever happened to a gift being just a gift. Why does it have to be a representation of how much you have spent attending their day?

I suppose it's called economic reality. If I'm invited to a wedding that will cost me nothing to go to then I have a bigger budget to give a better present. If I have to fork out for a tuxedo, overnight accomodation, childcare and travel expenses than the budget I have for a present will be less.

Secondly nobodys knickers are in a twist. I was merely asking a legitimate question and gauging the reactions from people with an interest in weddings such as the posters on here.

Not going to this wedding would be an insult to the person who asked me so I have no desire to do this. My point is by making it black tie the option of wearing something I own is effectively removed from me so I have the choice of renting or buying a tux. Everyone else I know going to this wedding would be of similar mind to me re this black tie thing and feel that it is unnecessary selfish bulls**t by the couple.

username123

veetwin wrote: »

Everyone else I know going to this wedding would be of similar mind to me re this black tie thing and feel that it is unnecessary selfish bulls**t by the couple.

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

lazygal

username123 wrote: »

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Agree. We had a black tie wedding. Some guys wore suits with black ties, some 'regular' suit and tie combos, most wore a tux. We knew our crowd and a lot have tuxes anyway. One guy decided to wear chinos and a check shirt and TBH he stuck out like a sore thumb and I heard a few comments about him from others on the day. He was a friend of my husband's and made it clear before and after that those kind of rules weren't for him, he's a 'DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR, I'M NOT A CONFORMIST' type.

If it doesn't suit me to go to a wedding or I feel like having a hissy fit because of a dress code I don't go. We've declined invites from people we don't know that well because we simply didn't want to go, because the venue was to far, because we were away - its an invitation, not a summons.

username123

lazygal wrote: »

If it doesn't suit me to go to a wedding or I feel like having a hissy fit because of a dress code I don't go. We've declined invites from people we don't know that well because we simply didn't want to go, because the venue was to far, because we were away - its an invitation, not a summons.

Thats it exactly - if my heart sinks upon sight of the invitation (for whatever reason) - I politely decline.

Go with good grace or dont go at all.

clint_silver

username123 wrote: »

Nonsense. Some men will wear a dark suit and they will look fine. Ive seen jeans wearers at wedding too - one showed at mine - it happens.

Im going to say youre wrong here. Ive been working at weddings for 15 years.
Black tie means Tux. you can say Dark suit if you want, but it doesnt mean dark suit, it means Tux. Id play maybe no more than 5 or 6 black tie affairs a year, they're not that common. When someone is anything other than a tux, I think to myself "oh look at the guy not in a Tux". I'll caveat that by saying If it was me as a guest, and I didnt have the money to hire or buy a tux and I had a dark suit in the wardrobe, Id be wearing it.


As for jeans, I could count on 1 finger the amount of times Ive seen a guest in the last year wearing jeans. Afters are different but full day guest, apart from very isolated cases, it doesnt really happen.

username123

clint_silver wrote: »

Im going to say youre wrong here. Ive been working at weddings for 15 years.
Black tie means Tux. you can say Dark suit if you want, but it doesnt mean dark suit, it means Tux. Id play maybe no more than 5 or 6 black tie affairs a year, they're not that common. When someone is anything other than a tux, I think to myself "oh look at the guy not in a Tux". I'll caveat that by saying If it was me as a guest, and I didnt have the money to hire or buy a tux and I had a dark suit in the wardrobe, Id be wearing it.


As for jeans, I could count on 1 finger the amount of times Ive seen a guest in the last year wearing jeans. Afters are different but full day guest, apart from very isolated cases, it doesnt really happen.

Well you have your experiences I have mine. It doesnt mean mine are wrong :rolleyes:
It simply means they are different.

Perhaps you havent seen the invites if you are working at them so you dont know if they said black tie and everyone turned up in a dark suit.

April O Neill

lazygal wrote: »

He was a friend of my husband's and made it clear before and after that those kind of rules weren't for him, he's a 'DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR, I'M NOT A CONFORMIST' type.

I can kinda see his point, TBH. Some of the commenters probably hated the faff of having to rent a tux when they had a perfectly good suit in their wardrobe. Which yes, they could have worn, but the mention of black tie on an invitation is ambiguous and they probably weren't sure.

clint_silver

username123 wrote: »

Well you have your experiences I have mine. It doesnt mean mine are wrong :rolleyes:

Sorry, didnt mean to say it was wrong, I meant to say "nonsense".

username123

clint_silver wrote: »

Sorry, didnt mean to say it was wrong, I meant to say "nonsense".

Touché.

The point is - you cant control your guests, and some people wont wear a tux simply because they cant afford one, have a perfectly good dark suit - whatever.

Its a wedding. There isnt a bouncer on the door telling you no admittance because you fail the dress code.

veetwin

username123 wrote: »

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Well I am sorry if I am bursting anyone's bubble here but that's pretty much everyone's reaction when they get an invitation to a black tie wedding.

username123

veetwin wrote: »

Well I am sorry if I am bursting anyone's bubble here but that's pretty much everyone's reaction when they get an invitation to a black tie wedding.

Well then - dont go. Im not seeing what the issue is? If you have such a problem with black tie - then simply politely decline. Why would you want to attend the wedding of people you have such a low opinion of?

ElleEm

username123 wrote: »

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Do this, OP. I would be surprised if you were the first to contact them regarding the dress code.

Personally, I think it is so selfish of a couple to stipulate what a GUEST wears to their wedding. Especially seen as a tuxedo isn't something any man would have in his wardrobe.

witnessmenow

April O Neill wrote: »

I'm sorry, did you miss the part where I said it was my opinion?

I didn't, I even accepted that your opinion was valid ("I'm not saying your wrong)". I disagreed with it, expressed my opinion and made my points accordingly. Not sure exactly you wanted me to say?

smelly moe 1

GIVE THEM NOTHING

afatbollix

Threads like this make me want to have a small as possible wedding.



If I say Morning suit or black tie I would expect everyone to turn up in said attire. I wouldn't care about the presents tbh. If you are more worried about presents than having a nice day I would just stay at home.

April O Neill

username123 wrote: »

Well then - dont go. Im not seeing what the issue is? If you have such a problem with black tie - then simply politely decline. Why would you want to attend the wedding of people you have such a low opinion of?

Would you happy for a very close friend to decline for this reason? Because a close friend might find a black tie event a huge drag. So, they just shouldn't go?