Black Tie Wedding - Do you give a smaller present?

TonyStark · 13-05-2013 10:15AM

sweetie wrote: »

Buy a tux in dunnes for 100 you will get a few weddings out of it

Or marks and sparks have deals running up to Christmas :-)

username123 · 13-05-2013 10:21AM

veetwin wrote: »

As for jeans wearers to a wedding. Well they are just @rseholes. If they came to my wedding wearing jeans they would have been shown the door;)

Agreed on that. Worse in football jerseys!

loveisdivine · 13-05-2013 10:25AM

What ever happened to a gift being just a gift. Why does it have to be a representation of how much you have spent attending their day?

Also, if a host specifies that an event is black tie, there is no need to get your knickers in a twist about it and start deducting from gift money. If you don't want to spend money on a dress or suit then just don't go. Or go and wear something you already own, who cares if its not brand new. Its hardly like you're gonna get turned away at the door for not having a jacket.Don't just give out about the cheek of the host not taking your financial situation into consideration.

If you can only afford to give a smaller present because of other expenses, then give a smaller one. But don't only give a smaller one out of principle, it just makes it seem like you don't really want to give them a gift and you're looking for reasons to get away with giving them less.

Having said all that when I get married in a few months people can wear whatever the f*ck they want and I don't care if they don't give us a gift or card.

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 12:57PM

witnessmenow wrote: »

I'm not saying your wrong, but when a work colleague got married before Christmas I gave €150 for myself and my GF and I kind of regretted not giving more. Especially as the elaborate thank you card arrived last week.

A pretty good friend of mine got married last June and I gave €200, and I also kind of wish I gave more (although with this one I didn't have as much money at the time as I was going to Poland, and also we have become closer friends since the wedding)

The "norm" is about €50-€100 per person, but pay whatever you are happy with, not what other people dictate. Don't just give €100 for a couple because someone on the internet said €150 was too much.

They will probably really appreciate anything you give them.

I'm sorry, did you miss the part where I said it was my opinion?

veetwin · 13-05-2013 01:29PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

What ever happened to a gift being just a gift. Why does it have to be a representation of how much you have spent attending their day?

I suppose it's called economic reality. If I'm invited to a wedding that will cost me nothing to go to then I have a bigger budget to give a better present. If I have to fork out for a tuxedo, overnight accomodation, childcare and travel expenses than the budget I have for a present will be less.

Secondly nobodys knickers are in a twist. I was merely asking a legitimate question and gauging the reactions from people with an interest in weddings such as the posters on here.

Not going to this wedding would be an insult to the person who asked me so I have no desire to do this. My point is by making it black tie the option of wearing something I own is effectively removed from me so I have the choice of renting or buying a tux. Everyone else I know going to this wedding would be of similar mind to me re this black tie thing and feel that it is unnecessary selfish bulls**t by the couple.

username123 · 13-05-2013 01:36PM

veetwin wrote: »

Everyone else I know going to this wedding would be of similar mind to me re this black tie thing and feel that it is unnecessary selfish bulls**t by the couple.

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

lazygal · 13-05-2013 02:18PM

username123 wrote: »

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Agree. We had a black tie wedding. Some guys wore suits with black ties, some 'regular' suit and tie combos, most wore a tux. We knew our crowd and a lot have tuxes anyway. One guy decided to wear chinos and a check shirt and TBH he stuck out like a sore thumb and I heard a few comments about him from others on the day. He was a friend of my husband's and made it clear before and after that those kind of rules weren't for him, he's a 'DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR, I'M NOT A CONFORMIST' type.

If it doesn't suit me to go to a wedding or I feel like having a hissy fit because of a dress code I don't go. We've declined invites from people we don't know that well because we simply didn't want to go, because the venue was to far, because we were away - its an invitation, not a summons.

username123 · 13-05-2013 02:26PM

lazygal wrote: »

If it doesn't suit me to go to a wedding or I feel like having a hissy fit because of a dress code I don't go. We've declined invites from people we don't know that well because we simply didn't want to go, because the venue was to far, because we were away - its an invitation, not a summons.

Thats it exactly - if my heart sinks upon sight of the invitation (for whatever reason) - I politely decline.

Go with good grace or dont go at all.

clint_silver · 13-05-2013 02:30PM

username123 wrote: »

Nonsense. Some men will wear a dark suit and they will look fine. Ive seen jeans wearers at wedding too - one showed at mine - it happens.

Im going to say youre wrong here. Ive been working at weddings for 15 years.
Black tie means Tux. you can say Dark suit if you want, but it doesnt mean dark suit, it means Tux. Id play maybe no more than 5 or 6 black tie affairs a year, they're not that common. When someone is anything other than a tux, I think to myself "oh look at the guy not in a Tux". I'll caveat that by saying If it was me as a guest, and I didnt have the money to hire or buy a tux and I had a dark suit in the wardrobe, Id be wearing it.

As for jeans, I could count on 1 finger the amount of times Ive seen a guest in the last year wearing jeans. Afters are different but full day guest, apart from very isolated cases, it doesnt really happen.

username123 · 13-05-2013 02:40PM

clint_silver wrote: »

Im going to say youre wrong here. Ive been working at weddings for 15 years.
Black tie means Tux. you can say Dark suit if you want, but it doesnt mean dark suit, it means Tux. Id play maybe no more than 5 or 6 black tie affairs a year, they're not that common. When someone is anything other than a tux, I think to myself "oh look at the guy not in a Tux". I'll caveat that by saying If it was me as a guest, and I didnt have the money to hire or buy a tux and I had a dark suit in the wardrobe, Id be wearing it.

As for jeans, I could count on 1 finger the amount of times Ive seen a guest in the last year wearing jeans. Afters are different but full day guest, apart from very isolated cases, it doesnt really happen.

Well you have your experiences I have mine. It doesnt mean mine are wrong :rolleyes:
It simply means they are different.

Perhaps you havent seen the invites if you are working at them so you dont know if they said black tie and everyone turned up in a dark suit.

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 03:01PM

lazygal wrote: »

He was a friend of my husband's and made it clear before and after that those kind of rules weren't for him, he's a 'DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR, I'M NOT A CONFORMIST' type.

I can kinda see his point, TBH. Some of the commenters probably hated the faff of having to rent a tux when they had a perfectly good suit in their wardrobe. Which yes, they could have worn, but the mention of black tie on an invitation is ambiguous and they probably weren't sure.

clint_silver · 13-05-2013 03:02PM

username123 wrote: »

Well you have your experiences I have mine. It doesnt mean mine are wrong :rolleyes:

Sorry, didnt mean to say it was wrong, I meant to say "nonsense".

username123 · 13-05-2013 03:37PM

clint_silver wrote: »

Sorry, didnt mean to say it was wrong, I meant to say "nonsense".

Touché.

The point is - you cant control your guests, and some people wont wear a tux simply because they cant afford one, have a perfectly good dark suit - whatever.

Its a wedding. There isnt a bouncer on the door telling you no admittance because you fail the dress code.

veetwin · 13-05-2013 03:57PM

username123 wrote: »

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Well I am sorry if I am bursting anyone's bubble here but that's pretty much everyone's reaction when they get an invitation to a black tie wedding.

username123 · 13-05-2013 03:59PM

veetwin wrote: »

Well I am sorry if I am bursting anyone's bubble here but that's pretty much everyone's reaction when they get an invitation to a black tie wedding.

Well then - dont go. Im not seeing what the issue is? If you have such a problem with black tie - then simply politely decline. Why would you want to attend the wedding of people you have such a low opinion of?

ElleEm · 13-05-2013 04:07PM

username123 wrote: »

Then
(a) Dont go
(b) Wear a dark suit
(c) Give a smaller present to offset the cost.

Now - the above are extremes. Why dont you just speak to the couple in question, you must be close to them if it would be considered an insult if you didnt go (although to be honest, some guests wont be able to make it - its a fact of life that people get sick, are broke, cant arrange childcare or whatever other reason - its not that big of a deal unless its a family members wedding) - and explain the financial situation re a tux - Im sure theyll say a dark suit is fine.

Tbh - if a guest of mine was speaking about me in the bolded terms because of an invitation I issued (an invite mind, not an order to attend) - Id rather they didnt go.

Do this, OP. I would be surprised if you were the first to contact them regarding the dress code.

Personally, I think it is so selfish of a couple to stipulate what a GUEST wears to their wedding. Especially seen as a tuxedo isn't something any man would have in his wardrobe.

witnessmenow · 13-05-2013 04:40PM

April O Neill wrote: »

I'm sorry, did you miss the part where I said it was my opinion?

I didn't, I even accepted that your opinion was valid ("I'm not saying your wrong)". I disagreed with it, expressed my opinion and made my points accordingly. Not sure exactly you wanted me to say?

smelly moe 1 · 13-05-2013 04:42PM

GIVE THEM NOTHING

afatbollix · 13-05-2013 04:51PM

Threads like this make me want to have a small as possible wedding.

If I say Morning suit or black tie I would expect everyone to turn up in said attire. I wouldn't care about the presents tbh. If you are more worried about presents than having a nice day I would just stay at home.

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 05:05PM

username123 wrote: »

Well then - dont go. Im not seeing what the issue is? If you have such a problem with black tie - then simply politely decline. Why would you want to attend the wedding of people you have such a low opinion of?

Would you happy for a very close friend to decline for this reason? Because a close friend might find a black tie event a huge drag. So, they just shouldn't go?

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 05:06PM

witnessmenow wrote: »

I didn't, I even accepted that your opinion was valid ("I'm not saying your wrong)". I disagreed with it, expressed my opinion and made my points accordingly. Not sure exactly you wanted me to say?

Then what was this crap about:

witnessmenow wrote: »

Don't just give €100 for a couple because someone on the internet said €150 was too much.

username123 · 13-05-2013 05:20PM

April O Neill wrote: »

Would you happy for a very close friend to decline for this reason? Because a close friend might find a black tie event a huge drag. So, they just shouldn't go?

Yeah totally.

Im not into making people do things they dont want to do. I am aware that actions and behaviour has consequences. So if I hold a black tie do I am aware that it will be a big pain (and an expense) for some people - and if they dont want to go because of this - thats cool with me.

I would much rather they declined the invite than came on the internet (and no doubt spoke to other people off the internet) saying, and I quote:

...and feel that it is unnecessary selfish bulls**t by the couple

Who wants people at a party they are paying for saying its a load of unnecessary selfish bull****? Id rather someone who felt that way didnt go at all. That way I can suit myself and they can suit themselves - everyone is happy!

ElleEm · 13-05-2013 05:23PM

But you are telling people what to wear because of how YOU want them to look. How is that not selfish? And I'm at a loss as to how it is "necessary" either.

afatbollix · 13-05-2013 05:43PM

Because jeans trainers and a football shirt looks ****.

username123 · 13-05-2013 05:52PM

ElleEm wrote: »

But you are telling people what to wear because of how YOU want them to look. How is that not selfish? And I'm at a loss as to how it is "necessary" either.

The couple are holding a party with a particular dress code. They are paying for it. They are entitled to invite people to anything they like that they are paying for and impose whatever conditions they like. Your judgement of what is necessary is irrelevant - its not your party. You want to judge whats necessary - you pay for it. Its their wedding, their choice, they can be as selfish as they want on their own dollar. If they want to have a party where everyone dresses as different colours of the rainbow they are entitled to invite people to join them in such a thing.

However - the invitees are also entitled to do whatever they like. If they wish not to go because of the dress code - they are entitled to do so.

If people consider it that its a load of unnecessary selfish bull**** thats fine. But they are exercising their right to be selfish by not going. Personally Id rather not have guests who were referring to my invitation to my wedding as a load of unnecessary selfish bull****. Im sure many people would feel the same. If you cant be happy for someone on their wedding day and respect them enough to go with good grace - whats the point in going?

Its really not that complex - you pay, you set the rules, people dont like the rules, dont go.

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 05:58PM

username123 wrote: »

The couple are holding a party with a particular dress code. They are paying for it.

They're paying for people's tuxedos? Sweet!

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 05:59PM

username123 wrote: »

But they are exercising their right to be selfish by not going.

Wait, them not going because it is too expensive is selfish?

Making it black tie is AS selfish, if not more, as it's heaping another expense on the guests.

username123 · 13-05-2013 06:19PM

April O Neill wrote: »

Wait, them not going because it is too expensive is selfish? Making it black tie is AS selfish, if not more, as it's heaping another expense on the guests.

Of course - both actions are selfish - is that not obvious?

April O Neill · 13-05-2013 06:27PM

username123 wrote: »

Of course - both actions are selfish - is that not obvious?

Not going because the cost is prohibitive isn't selfish.

pwurple · 13-05-2013 06:30PM

veetwin wrote: »

Well I am sorry if I am bursting anyone's bubble here but that's pretty much everyone's reaction when they get an invitation to a black tie wedding.

It can be yours, but it is not everyone's, because it's certainly not my reaction. I LOVE black tie. Prefer white tie... but either way the photos are always great afterwards. And it usually means the place will be swanky, the food will be better than average, etc.

My wedding was a fairly casual bbq, but I love a good excuse to get my fella into a tux.

Black Tie Wedding - Do you give a smaller present?

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