What's the most awkward position you've been in?

channro

Waiting to wash my coffee cup in the office break room - nice looking woman in front of me washing her cup - I said jokingly "ah come on how long does it take to wash a cup?"

She turned round and stared at me like she wanted to stab me. She looked at me for a few seconds and I thought "well this is awkward". Then I saw she had a badly deformed hand.

There was nothing I could say or do - I just walked out.

Archeron

In secondary school, as part of a history project a group of us went to visit the office of a female archaeologist in Dublin. One of the lads was a really gangly awkward dude that always smelled like feet. She showed us some items asking us to be really careful.
Soon after, she was giving us a little lesson, and gangly dude, who was at the back of the group, farted really loudly. She stopped talking, and everybody just turned around and stared at him. He also turned around as if to look at and blame someone else, but there was nobody behind him. When he realised this, he turned back and got very awkward, elbowing a human skull off the bench which hit the floor and broke into four pieces.
When the smell of farts hit a couple of seconds later, mixed with smell of feet and the look of horror on the womans face, I burst out laughing and got the most powerful evil look ive ever seen.
Nobody else laughed, but it was very funny and awkward.

spankysue

I was in a nightclub one night during the late 90's around the time when everyone was wearing those bindi things on their foreheads. So, was dancing away anyway and this girl comes up to me and my friends and asks if she can can dance with us.

That was grand, we were dancing and having a good time and I hadn't really taken much notice of her at this stage. After a while she ended up in front of me and I told her that I loved her bindi..... then realised it wasn't a bindi, it was a hole, her face was covered in really bad burn scars

muffler

Some years ago my next door neighbour who was a young separated woman used to get an odd phone call from her mother...on my phone (land line). The girl didnt have a phone of her own so her mum would ring me occasionally and very politely ask if she could speak to her daughter.

The old lady rings this morning about 10 o'clock so I told her to hold on and I duly hopped over the wall and knocked on the girls door. She was still in her dressing gown (dont get too excited here folks) and obviously didnt relish the thought of climbing over the wall or going down one driveway and up another in her dressing gown so she studied for a minute and asked me to tell her mum she was in the bath and that she would call her later.

Without thinking I went back into my own house, lifted the phone and told the old lady this. There was a silence for about 10 seconds and then she yelled at me..."how the fuck do you know she's in the bath you dirty bastard, wait till I see your wife about this carry on"

I had a bit of difficultly trying to talk my way out of that situation

K-9

So much for the not sexual angle!

muffler

K-9 wrote: »

So much for the not sexual angle!

I know. T'was hugely disappointing wasn't it?

narwhalthe

Some great awkward moments out there. I remember once doing a foreign exchange and waking up drunk one night in a haze. For some reason I walked over to the poor guy's desk and pissed all over his school books and atlas. Snapped out of it and immediately ****ed a load of them out. Never even mentioned it to me actually haha.

ronjo

I was working in Jersey around 2000 and staying in a hotel. One night I had quite a few beers and went to bed around 2am.

Next thing I remember is a door closing and I was standing in the hotel corridor just wearing boxers.

It was bloody embarrassing going to reception to ask the night porter to open my room door !

Azure_sky

Reverse cow girl.

lkionm

I was looking at the boards homepage and this topic had 69 comments.

Fitting.

mccarthy37

My very first job after leaving school many years ago I was employed as a general runaround sweeping up getting the mail and general duties for a few months before I started serving my time. Well I ran up the stairs to the boss with a letter one day and without knocking I opened his door to see him in his chair with his trousers wide open and his secretary working hard on him. All I heard was get out in a very loud voice. I had to wait outside for a minute as they obviously had to straighten up their clothes. It felt like an hour as I waited outside until he shouted come in. I got a right lecture about knocking first while his cheeky secretary laughed at me behind his back. I can still remember that feeling like my face was on fire. When I went to leave and closed the door behind me I could hear the two of them having a right giggle. I got my own back and told the whole job though I was very popular for a while as everyone wanted to know the sordid details. Of course I added a bit to it. I packed in that job a few months later as the boss was a pig. The only person he was nice to was go have a guess.

Crooked Jack

Azure_sky wrote: »

Reverse cow girl.

lkionm wrote: »

I was looking at the boards homepage and this topic had 69 comments.

Fitting.

Neither the reverse cow girl nor the 69 are awkward positions. If anything they are known for their ease and comfort.

Witchie

I was seeing a guy and we got very drunk and got a taxi back to his for some fun. We were in bed and he was down THERE working away when there was a knock on the door and his mum put her head around the door saying she heard some moaning and wanted to see if he was ok.

So embarrassing and it wasn't possible to get a taxi home so next morning his dad had to drive me home. Most embarrassing 15 mins of my life while I tried not to puke and wasn't sure how much his dad knew. Cringe.

lounakin

This didn't happen to me but it's worth telling. My first cousin (male) was seeing this girl. They were in some kind of cosmetic/health/pharmacy kind of store and the girlfriend was browsing. He felt a bit out of place and didn't want to appear this way so he started picking up products out of a display basket. First item was clay to apply on your breast, he took it out and called his girlfriend (it was a small shop): "Look at this! Clay for your boobs!'. Then he put it down and picked up another thing: 'Oh my god! Haha! This one is for your butt!'. His girlfriend was visibly mortified and trying not to pay attention to him so he spoke louder and kept picking out stuff from the basket... until he realised it was a woman's shopping basket and she was queuing beside him to pay.

smurgen

my nickname is "the cripple". one day in college i was in a tiny,packed,cramped shop and there was a guy in wheelchair in front of me.my cousin came up behind me shouting out loud "cripple dipple" in a really annoying voice.he then went to get me in a headlock and stopped in his trackes when he seen the guy in the wheelchair in front of me staring at him.I don't think i've ever seen a man leave a scene in such a hurry!

alleystar

Archeron wrote: »

In secondary school, as part of a history project a group of us went to visit the office of a female archaeologist in Dublin. One of the lads was a really gangly awkward dude that always smelled like feet. She showed us some items asking us to be really careful.
Soon after, she was giving us a little lesson, and gangly dude, who was at the back of the group, farted really loudly. She stopped talking, and everybody just turned around and stared at him. He also turned around as if to look at and blame someone else, but there was nobody behind him. When he realised this, he turned back and got very awkward, elbowing a human skull off the bench which hit the floor and broke into four pieces.
When the smell of farts hit a couple of seconds later, mixed with smell of feet and the look of horror on the womans face, I burst out laughing and got the most powerful evil look ive ever seen.
Nobody else laughed, but it was very funny and awkward.

That has to be one of the funniest posts so far. Couldn't stop laughing for ages after reading it.

MitchKoobski

In my old job, the intercom was on the fritz most weekends so we had mobile phones on us in case we were needed at the customer services desk. Pointing out where stuff is and so on. Any time the phone rang is was either one of the lads or one of the girls on the desk, so we took to answering them taking the piss.
"What the feck do you want?"
"Tell her and her hammer that doesn't work to feck off."
"Welcome to Homebase. Go fcuk yourself."

So my phone rings one Saturday and I answer it going
"City Morgue, you kill 'em we grill 'em."
".....what?"
".....Hello?"
".....is this Homebase?"

It was the floor manager's wife ringing looking for him. Got transferred through to me somehow from the desk. Turns out his father had passed away. It would have been even more awkward if the boss didn't think it was hilarious.

herisson

I have too many awkward moments.

Last November i was up in my Grans house after her anniversary mass with my aunts and uncles. One of my aunts calls me in to the kitchen with a few others and asks me about "50 shades of Grey", i turned to and said that it was crap and ive had rougher sex that that. I turn around and there is my mam staring up at me and i go red. My aunt knew she was there the whole time. Then she proceeds to tell my parents all about it and get them to read it. At that point i left it was so awkward.

Last year in college i had a ons but yer man forgot his boxers so they were in my room and i didnt realise it for ages. I had to get stuff fixed in my room so my dad said he would fix it for me and of course my mam came too and she started snooping. She found them and asked about them. I panic and tell her they were my housemates, must have got mixed up with the washing. I dont think she believed me.

mightdomighty

I was working in a shop during my summer holiday's in Edinburgh back in 2002. An old man approached me quite distressed speaking with a strong scottish accent and pointing to his leg / shoe.

I figured that his shoelace was untied and that he was having problems tying it(bending over etc)

So thinking I'd help him out, I got down to shoe level and was confused as he was wearing loafers.

It all became clear, when he raised his pants leg up and revealed the end of a catheter which was open and gushing piss all over the ground (don't know how I missed the trail and puddle)

As I was down there and I felt sorry for him I did what I thought was best I tried to quickly close it.

I still don't know what kind of a valve it was but it wouldn't close, piss everywhere and all over me

I ended up just stuttering" I'm sorry I'm sorry, I can't close it " and he walked out of the shop leaving a trail behind him.

Worse still, my mate was working with me in the shop, saw the whole thing and I haven't heard the end of it since...

Conall Cernach

Many years ago I shared a house with 4 other people including a couple with the girl being up the duff. Anyway, all of the lads headed out for a night on the sauce and poor preggers stayed at home. We sort of got split up during the night out and arrived home seperately. I was one of the first in and was eating a feed when yer man lands home with another bird. I quietly freaked out as preggers was sleeping upstairs but he reassured me that he'd get rid of the bird sharpish. I made myself scarce and went to bed. When I got up the next morning I passed preggers on the landing and went down for a much needed cuppa. The first thing that greeted me was yer man's naked arse on the couch and the bird still very much in situ. I could hear the floorboards creaking upstairs so I just walked out the front door and didn't come back for about 6 hours.

Turns out preggers had a bad dose of morning sickness and spent most of the morning running from the bedroom to the bathroom and never made it downstairs. Yer man managed to sneak the bird out without her becoming suspicious. He was in the bad books for a bit for leaving his girlfriend alone while sick but that only lasted a couple of days. I had to live with them for another 3 months before I managed to move out.

narwhalthe

Conall Cernach wrote: »

Turns out preggers had a bad dose of morning sickness and spent most of the morning running from the bedroom to the bathroom and never made it downstairs. Yer man managed to sneak the bird out without her becoming suspicious.

That is a seriously close one! Good choice on leaving for 6 hours! I would have been out there like a shot.

Duck Soup

Many years ago, I started my drinking life in a dog rough pub just outside London. It was a mix of building site labourers, drug dealers, skinheads and full-time criminals. Fortunately for me, I knew most of them, as I'd grown up in the area. To me, it was just the local.

One Saturday afternoon, there's a young guy - about 16 - standing there all on his own, drinking his lager shandy and looking like he's about to crap his pants. To this day, I've never found out why he ventured in there. Since I was one of the few people who didn't look like I was about to disembowel him and bathe in his blood, he came over and stood next me.

He starts a general conversation about this and that, mostly trying to suss out a point of contact and start to blend in. This your local then etc. Then he asks me which school I went to. I kind of rolled my eyes as it wasn't the smartest line of conversation in a pub where you're all supposed to be over 18, but, as it happened, I had just turned 18 and was finishing off my A levels. So I told him which school.

Oh, do you know such-and-such? Yeah. Do you know wazzisname? A bit. He then mentioned a girl - let's call her Jo Smith. Yeah, I knew Jo really well - she was my first girlfriend. At this, he started to brighten up. So you know [let's call her] Sharon Jones. At the mention of Sharon (not her real name, for reasons which will become obvious), I laughed.

What's so funny? You mean, I said, Sharon Takes-It-Up-The-Arse Jones. What are you talking about, he asked. So I told him.

Jo and Sharon were best friends. Sharon had confided to Jo (who then passed on the story to me) that her boyfriend was pressuring her for sex, but she wasn't up for it, so as a compromise, she let him use the tradesman's entrance. I told him the story with some enthusiasm and brio and may have even included hand gestures creating a circle with thumb and finger of one hand and poking the index finger of my other hand through the circle, with accompanying squelching noises.

He looked like he was going to cry. What's the matter with you, FFS.

That's my sister.

Oops.

Ruudi_Mentari

Down a long dark tunnel, by a fast flowing river on a narrow towpath being choked out by a big thug.

*or*

up a long dark tunnel, with a manhole cover that won't budge having taken that direction to escape big thug

Esel

lounakin wrote: »

This didn't happen to me but it's worth telling. My first cousin (male) was seeing this girl.

Obvious non-homophobic post is obvious. Apart from the rest of the story being totally unbelievable. Your cousin (male) was waiting to pay? For what?

smurgen wrote: »

my nickname is "the cripple". one day in college i was in a tiny,packed,cramped shop and there was a guy in wheelchair in front of me.my cousin came up behind me..

Two 'cousin' stories side by side - it's a small village!

My story - I was bent over trying to open this safe which was encased in concrete in the floor of a shed, when.....

Toots

One of my most awkward moments was the xmas before last and myself and the hubby were spending the evening at my parents' house. My sister had gotten "It's Complicated" on DVD for my mum so we were watching that, and it got to the point where Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin get sloshed and do the bould thing.

So they're lying in bed, disheveled and obviously having just finished off and there's the bit where Alec reaches down and grabs Meryl by the crotch and says something to the effect of "well you've obviously been doing your pelvic floor exercises!". My mum was in knots of laughter, my poor dad looked like he'd have been happier sitting in a pile of broken glass and my hubby looked like he was going to be sick. I did what any 25 year old adult child would do and ran out of the room going "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!"

Thespoofer

Got caught late one night in my late teens with my head in between my then girlfriends legs by the guards ( in a small town ). The squad car must have been there for about a minute at least watching in the dark because I heard a noise and ignored it then they turned on the dazzlers !