Need to stop - Lent a good starting point.

Sunnyisland

KeefF three months is fantastic, keep moving forward, learn from your three months for the future,everything will work out we just need patients,We dident get into our drinking problems overnight so we can't expect them to clear up overnight,Your doing great keep at it and posting your blog here..

Amazingfun

KeefF wrote: »

I didn't drink. I am so grateful to whatever it is that kept me from taking that first drink.

I'm grateful too, you're a good guy, don't want to lose ya

KeefF

Amazingfun wrote: »

I'm grateful too, you're a good guy, don't want to lose ya

Appreciate that.

Well done Keef

Carpet diem

Well done chief - keep the good work up

fro9etb8j5qsl2

Been following this thread for a while now well done

sopretty

Banneret - I was reluctant to view your youtube clip as I'm tired of listening to the same thing over and over again. I have one word to say after watching it - WOW! Thank you so very much for posting it. I notice your username is banned, but I hope you're reading anyway. Wish I could go to his treatment centre!!

Op - I really hope you're still doing well.

KeefF

sopretty wrote: »

Banneret - I was reluctant to view your youtube clip as I'm tired of listening to the same thing over and over again. I have one word to say after watching it - WOW! Thank you so very much for posting it. I notice your username is banned, but I hope you're reading anyway. Wish I could go to his treatment centre!!

Op - I really hope you're still doing well.

Fell off the wagon Saturday & Sunday. Couldn't face work this morning - was up at 7 but was too ashamed of the state of me to go in - so called in sick.
4 months sobriety wiped out - shame/remorse/despair/disappointment don't even sum up how I feel.
Fell in to the trap of succumbing to flattery and self-pity - serious character defects.
I was in a meeting on Sat eve and still ended up drinking at about 10:30 pm Sat night - cunning/baffling/powerful etc etc
Have to move forward again quickly and not dwell on it or I'll never recover.
Dreading work tomorrow although I have been in contact with my boss a few times during the day today regarding work items.
I'm an idiot - life was going so well.

Amazingfun

KeefF wrote: »

Fell off the wagon Saturday & Sunday. Couldn't face work this morning - was up at 7 but was too ashamed of the state of me to go in - so called in sick.
4 months sobriety wiped out - shame/remorse/despair/disappointment don't even sum up how I feel.
Fell in to the trap of succumbing to flattery and self-pity - serious character defects.
I was in a meeting on Sat eve and still ended up drinking at about 10:30 pm Sat night - cunning/baffling/powerful etc etc
Have to move forward again quickly and not dwell on it or I'll never recover.
Dreading work tomorrow although I have been in contact with my boss a few times during the day today regarding work items.
I'm an idiot - life was going so well.

I know the feeling all too well my friend. It sucks.

You may have learned a valuble lesson, one that honestly changed my life once I finally accepted it :

Meetings do not keep us sober.
Time away from a drink is no defense against picking it up again.

So, there must be something else in play.......;)

Just get back up. There is a saying I like:

Fall seven times, get up eight

KeefF

Amazingfun wrote: »

I know the feeling all too well my friend. It sucks.

You may have learned a valuble lesson, one that honestly changed my life once I finally accepted it :

Meetings do not keep us sober.
Time away from a drink is no defense against picking it up again.

So, there must be something else in play.......;)

Just get back up. There is a saying I like:

Fall seven times, get up eight

Thanks for the support.
I agree meetings don't keep me sober but they are a good help.
I never went out with the intention of boozing but let myself get into a social situation where I would normally drink and was uncomfortable not drinking - that is the biggest lesson. I was playing with fire and I got seriously burned.
Do I dislike myself that much that I want to sabotage feelings of well being? Horrible stuff but I need to start again.

Amazingfun

KeefF wrote: »

Thanks for the support.
I agree meetings don't keep me sober but they are a good help.
I never went out with the intention of boozing but let myself get into a social situation where I would normally drink and was uncomfortable not drinking - that is the biggest lesson. I was playing with fire and I got seriously burned.
Do I dislike myself that much that I want to sabotage feelings of well being? Horrible stuff but I need to start again.

See, meetings have a purpose, but that purpose is to share the message of recovery with newcomers, to share one's experience of recovery via the program.
And if you have no experience with the program, there isn't much to share, see? Meetings are not the program.

Here's my take:
The environment didn't make you drink. You still had a 'lurking notion' somewhere in your mind that you could drink someday. It stunned me too, to realize that after so long sober the only person I was fooling was myself about step one, that I really hadn't fully accepted that I could never, ever, drink alcohol again. Ever.
It's a bitter pill to swallow I know, but a necessary one if we are to be permanently free of this thing.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_30.htm

Carpet diem

KeefF wrote: »

Fell off the wagon Saturday & Sunday. Couldn't face work this morning - was up at 7 but was too ashamed of the state of me to go in - so called in sick.
4 months sobriety wiped out - shame/remorse/despair/disappointment don't even sum up how I feel.
Fell in to the trap of succumbing to flattery and self-pity - serious character defects.
I was in a meeting on Sat eve and still ended up drinking at about 10:30 pm Sat night - cunning/baffling/powerful etc etc
Have to move forward again quickly and not dwell on it or I'll never recover.
Dreading work tomorrow although I have been in contact with my boss a few times during the day today regarding work items.
I'm an idiot - life was going so well.

Well done KeefF on the four months sobriety. If you can do 4 months you can do any length of time. It's a matter of learning from where you went wrong and hitting the gym hard for next few days and clearing your head and drinking plenty of water and dusting yourself down and getting on with it. I know it's bloody awful at the time and easier said than done.

Staying away from the pub is vital if you are feeling vulnerable. BB suggests not going there until steps are successfully done. Lot of stuff in that book makes sense. It comes back to haunt me as it's usually(always!) right.

What I took from my last slip was to write down the raw feelings in your head of why you shouldn't drink. It's a good way to let of steam and also a remainder for again. I read mine most days.

Another thing is to start the steps if you feel ready or put in a time in your head when you will aim to start. I wouldn't rush them but I wouldn't delay them.

Keep the head up buddy and get a good sleep for yourself for work tomorrow ans say to your boss you came down with something. I'm sure he be happy to have you back as I'd say you have a good work ethic.

I know you can do it!

Amazingfun

When I came back to AA after my last foray into drinking (and it was awful, trust me!).....I felt like a bag of crap. I was also embarrassed and ashamed as I felt people would look down on me, etc.
But I wanted to live more than I wanted to die, so I went back anyways.

I almost lived in meetings for ages after that, went as much as possible, just to get some time back under my belt and to get past the awful mental anguish that accompanies a slip. So don't take what I said about meetings as being a reason not to go, quite the contrary, I realized I was a newcomer all over again, and I started to look at things with new eyes.
They say the "gift of desperation" can work miracles, lol, and in my case it certainly did.

I never drank again after my last bout, and you don't have to either. All it takes is honesty and a real willingness to give this thing a genuine shot.

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

Well done KeefF on the four months sobriety. If you can do 4 months you can do any length of time. It's a matter of learning from where you went wrong and hitting the gym hard for next few days and clearing your head and drinking plenty of water and dusting yourself down and getting on with it. I know it's bloody awful at the time and easier said than done.

Staying away from the pub is vital if you are feeling vulnerable. BB suggests not going there until steps are successfully done. Lot of stuff in that book makes sense. It comes back to haunt me as it's usually(always!) right.

What I took from my last slip was to write down the raw feelings in your head of why you shouldn't drink. It's a good way to let of steam and also a remainder for again. I read mine most days.

Another thing is to start the steps if you feel ready or put in a time in your head when you will aim to start. I wouldn't rush them but I wouldn't delay them.

Keep the head up buddy and get a good sleep for yourself for work tomorrow ans say to your boss you came down with something. I'm sure he be happy to have you back as I'd say you have a good work ethic.

I know you can do it!

Thanks - I appreciate the support. Even in the darkest days and madness I put loads into work but missing Mondays has let my credibility down. Granted today was first time in 4 months - even today I went on a Conf Call for work as something needed to be sorted today - but that is not substitute for being in work.
Meeting and gym tomorrow night - up to Sat night I was in the best shape physically and mentally of my entire life. Need to get that back quickly.

Carpet diem

KeefF wrote: »

Thanks - I appreciate the support. Even in the darkest days and madness I put loads into work but missing Mondays has let my credibility down. Granted today was first time in 4 months - even today I went on a Conf Call for work as something needed to be sorted today - but that is not substitute for being in work.
Meeting and gym tomorrow night - up to Sat night I was in the best shape physically and mentally of my entire life. Need to get that back quickly.

At least you know it's only you that can fix the problem. I used to blame work for my drinking so I moved job and the drinking was the same! Your totally right on the credibility thing. I did that in previous job. In late or not at all. Working late and weekends but if i wasn't so hungover a lot of the time I wouldn't have to do that.

One thing I notice you mention a good few times in last few months was staying in by yourself at weekend and the boredom of it. Maybe join a group or club during week. I'm starting toastmasters next week and using it as my social outlet to meet people and become a better public speaker and improve my confidence. Ill be using my week nights as my new weekends for socializing as well as BB on Sunday. That's just my opinion KeefF so you can take what you want from it if you get me!
That great thing about not drinking any night can be used to socialize without impacting negatively on your work and well being.

Don't give yourself too hard of a time. It is what it is look forward with positively!

sopretty

KeeF - it is actually a blessing that you ended up missing work. It is the stark reminder of what drink does and why you quit and also a stark reminder of the progression - believe me - honest to God I can't say it more fervently - BELIEVE ME - it will get worse if you drink.
I have had numerous slips and they always began with the niggling notion - COULD. I. DO. IT. DIFFERENTLY. THIS TIME?.
Then I'd have one night of drinking, feel like crap, but I wouldn't have gone the whole hog (I'd have this notion you know - that I'd only drink after 6pm - easy enough to handle after a few months sober). I'd pace myself. I would wake up hoping I had had a nightmare. But no. Back to AA.
Then, the following friday/saturday, that old niggly feeling - nothing BAD happened last time - you haven't drank all week - maybe you'll manage this thing
PMSL. Literally. I have pissed on myself and crapped on myself as a result of that thought process. Within days - the mayhem kicks in again. Sometimes it took a month, but then it kicked in spectacularly.

So, I just hope that you missing work is enough to remind you of all the crap that is waiting for you. It actually could be a blessing.

Amazingfun

KeefF wrote: »

Thanks - I appreciate the support. Even in the darkest days and madness I put loads into work but missing Mondays has let my credibility down. Granted today was first time in 4 months - even today I went on a Conf Call for work as something needed to be sorted today - but that is not substitute for being in work.
Meeting and gym tomorrow night - up to Sat night I was in the best shape physically and mentally of my entire life. Need to get that back quickly.

Just to point something else out, and this is not to make you "feel bad", but to demonstrate something about the nature of the *mental obsession* many of us have.
See where you think you were in the best mental state of your life?
Yet you picked up a drink---while stone cold sober--that very day.
That's what AA refers to as insanity.

Sometimes we aren't the best judges of what a good mental state is, but one thing is for sure, it's the one where we know we don't drink, and then we follow that up by not drinking.

My point is, don't be in a hurry to "get that back quickly", whatever it was.
Take it one day at a time and see where your foundation for a sober life was missing a plank or two, and work on building a stronger one this time

Carpet diem

Hope your getting on alright today buddy!

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

Hope your getting on alright today buddy!

Hi Thanks
Got to a meeting this evening and then got to the gym so that has helped - doing the right things.
Still a bit worried about work but fcuk it nothing I can do about that aspect now.
I need to get the AA Programme as opposed to just going to meetings- I may need a sponsor.
I think I also need to make a few decisions about breaking contacts with a few people who really are merely drinking buddies. They don't make me drink but certainly contact with them is a trigger and putting myself at risk.
If this is about really changing me and my life then I really need to take responsibility and action by distancing myself.

tunguska

KeefF wrote: »

Hi Thanks
Got to a meeting this evening and then got to the gym so that has helped - doing the right things.
Still a bit worried about work but fcuk it nothing I can do about that aspect now.
I need to get the AA Programme as opposed to just going to meetings- I may need a sponsor.
I think I also need to make a few decisions about breaking contacts with a few people who really are merely drinking buddies. They don't make me drink but certainly contact with them is a trigger and putting myself at risk.
If this is about really changing me and my life then I really need to take responsibility and action by distancing myself.

Hi Keef, Just as a matter of interest why do you think you slipped up at the weekend, was it any one thing or a combination of factors?

KeefF

tunguska wrote: »

Hi Keef, Just as a matter of interest why do you think you slipped up at the weekend, was it any one thing or a combination of factors?

Hi
I think it was driven by taking too big a risk by going to the pub. Going to the pub was driven by self-pity about feeling isolated on a Saturday night.
Ultimately, maybe I had/have not fully accpeted my alcoholism.