Just how often do women come onto men vs the other way round?

kiffer

If you swap the genders of the people involved the "I walked by him a few times and then stood near by and occasionally looked over my sholder at him" thing sounds a bit creepy...

I'm pretty oblivious and don't notice this behaviour, or it just doesn't happen to me.

Lux23

I make the move quite a bit, but this can be as simple as smiling a man I catch looking at me. I am by nature a flirt so now that I am coupled up I am finding it quite difficult not to overdo it.

GalwayGuy2

eh, maybe it's just me, but I don't count smiling at someone as making the first move. It's kind of like saying a guy looking at a woman is making the first move:S

Sunshineboo

I don't think I ever have to be honest but maybe this will be year I have the confidence to do so, nothing to lose!

jaffacakesyum

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

eh, maybe it's just me, but I don't count smiling at someone as making the first move. It's kind of like saying a guy looking at a woman is making the first move:S

I dunno I think regardless of gender if you're blatantly smiling at them "that way", giving them glances etc. the other person should be able to tell that they're interested. I wouldn't call it the 'first move' but it's definitely showing your intentions.

cantdecide

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

I dunno I think regardless of gender if you're blatantly smiling at them "that way", giving them glances etc. the other person should be able to tell that they're interested. I wouldn't call it the 'first move' but it's definitely showing your intentions.

Actions are what counts, IMO. Anyone can smile at someone. There's a world of difference between a girl smiling at a guy and a girl walking up and introducing herself.

jaffacakesyum

cantdecide wrote: »

Actions are what counts, IMO. Anyone can smile at someone. There's a world of difference between a girl smiling at a guy and a girl walking up and introducing herself.

To be honest I kind of like when I see a guy or girl glancing at me and smiling and not just in a friendly way - clearly interested in me. It makes me feel a lot better approaching them.

But I'm one of the few who doesn't care who goes up to who, regardless of gender. I do 100% of the approaching/chasing when I'm looking for women and it doesn't bother me half as much as it seems to bother men. Sure it's nice to be approached but at the end of the day the outcome is the same (if you get the date!)

The Corinthian

In the Irish context, to begin with, women will take the lead far more often that you'll find in many other countries. Alcohol is another factor, as it affects both the behaviour of both genders and where it is considered acceptable to approach a person of the opposite sex (or same, I'd expect).

Women, tend to be more circumspect than men. That's not to say they're not actively perusing a man, but they will tend more to create opportunities for the man to make a move, rather than make the move themselves. This can be subtle - to the point that the man can't tell - or pretty blatant; perhaps going as far as bluntly telling you they're attracted to you and you can 'come and get it' whenever you want. In some cases, women will make that first move too, but this is still a minority of the time.

Personally, I much prefer if a woman is direct, even if she does not make the first move. It takes a lot of pressure off men and allows us to enjoy our time with the woman in question, rather than constantly look for signs that she's into us or not. I also cannot abide the women who kind of fancy you, then change their minds, then change them again, or ultimately decide you're for the friend-zone, typically without letting you know unless you finally make a move.

Men are more aggressive. We have to be as most men will be rejected at least four out of five times we try. As a man, you do build up a thick skin, because of this; we have to, as not all such rejections are polite or kind. So I can understand why women will tend not to take the lead role very often, as rejection is not nice at the best of time.

I would also agree that men are more likely to take what they can, while women will try to get the best man around. But again, this is particularly true of countries like Ireland and the UK, because men there are actually very lazy where it comes to perusing women.

An interesting dynamic is that once the intimacy has begun, the tables turn. Women may be the gatekeepers to sex - ultimately being the one's who'll decide if sex is going to take place or not - but men are the gatekeepers to relationships. We are, the one's who'll choose make any incremental commitment to a relationship, up to a marriage proposal.

TBH, I suspect that pursue or be pursued, man or woman, what strategy you employ should be complimentary to the sort of person you want to be with in the first place.

Malari

Yes, I've been the first to initiate things 3 or 4 times while I was in my early 20s. Probably only once with a total stranger, but a few times with guys who would have been in my group of acquaintances.

cantdecide

The Corinthian wrote: »

TBH, I suspect that pursue or be pursued, man or woman, what strategy you employ should be complimentary to the sort of person you want to be with in the first place.

Very true. I'm lucky I like the nice ones! They're never single though...

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

To be honest I kind of like when I see a guy or girl glancing at me and smiling and not just in a friendly way - clearly interested in me. It makes me feel a lot better approaching them:)

Few would waste these opportunities and fair play for being the approacher. I wish there were more like you.

Malari wrote: »

Yes, I've been the first to initiate things 3 or 4 times while I was in my early 20s. Probably only once with a total stranger, but a few times with guys who would have been in my group of acquaintances.

Did you find it more or less difficult to declare an interest to someone you already knew?

Malari

cantdecide wrote: »

Did you find it more or less difficult to declare an interest to someone you already knew?

I think it was easier with people I half knew. That doesn't seem logical but at least you kind of knew they wouldn't be nasty or anything. If it was going to be a weency bit awkward after I was ok with that.

Dubhlinner

Women never make the first move (on me )

I would say with strangers men come on to women far more. I'm a guy in my 20s and I've probably been approached by near as many men as I have women, and there's a lot more women than gay men, and I pretty much only go to straight bars!

When you know someone, even minor acquaintance level, things seem to massively change. I have no scientific evidence but it really wouldn't surprise me if it was 50:50 at this level.

seenitall

^^ True in my case. I don't think I've ever "cold-approached" a man (approached a complete stranger), and I have no interest in doing so - I need to feel I really, really want someone in order to declare my interest; and I can only feel that when I've spent a bit of time with someone and have glimpsed a sound man with an attractive personality.

All the guys I've asked have been at least some level of acquaintance.

(Funnily enough, I never used to be so circumspect the other way round, i.e. when the guys I'd just met and liked the look of used to make the first moves - about a hundred years ago.:D I used to, ah, go with the flow.)

captainpants23

Impossible question to answer. Women are much more subtle than men, but just as good at getting the message across when they want to.

username123

Ive never cold approached a stranger in a bus type situation, but when I look into the murky past I have been the initiator or simply direct to the point that the guy then asked me straight out most of the time.

I was never really fond of waiting for someone I found attractive to come to me, because a lot of the time people who didnt interest me were the ones who came along. So I preferred to go after the ones I liked the look of up front. I was always successful, as in, you won some you lose some. I never felt particularly bad if I failed or the guy wasnt interested. I dont think I ever had a situation where someone I chased sober (like in work) turned me down. In saying that, I actually used to find it a turn off if someone didnt fancy me (no interest in hard to get or distant men), so Id just quickly move on to someone who appreciated my charms

maxitwist

ash23 wrote: »

Hmmm, I've made the first move a number of times and had the moves made on me a number of times. I'd say personally the split was maybe 70% him making the move and 30% me making the move.

In my experience, me making the move has been an unmitigated disaster.

But of all the times a guy has made his move on me, about 40% of the time I've orchestrated it by standing near him or walking past him etc etc.

Women make the move as much as men I think. We just tend to let them think they are the ones making the moves

I wouldnt really call standing near someone making a move! its giving an oppurtunity as you say, but its not actually making a move - actually approaching and initiating conversation - thats the hard part - everything else is just procastrination! (i know ive done it!)
But thanks for the long topic - given me an insight into the general attitude which was what i wanted. I guess i am a bit strange in that i do talk to people in situations where most people would rather stay silent, and maybe skulk standard meeting points - probally the cause of my own gross statistics.
However.. i think maybe men are more comfortable doing this 'cold approach' thing then women. I guess it really isint a very womanly thing to do. and yeah in clubs especially women are just as comfortable properly making the first move. Or even in standard social situations like a club meeting or a class of somekind i could believe that 70-30 figure.

But for just random encounters, ye dont seem to do it ;p yeah really i was just jealous of how my girlfriend can attract so much attention by doing nothing. She must have some kind of innocent magnetism i guess - cant imagine its standard for most women eh?

username123

maxitwist wrote: »

yeah really i was just jealous of how my girlfriend can attract so much attention by doing nothing. She must have some kind of innocent magnetism i guess - cant imagine its standard for most women eh?

Perhaps she isnt doing nothing? Perhaps she makes eyes at strangers on buses

cantdecide

username123 wrote: »

Perhaps she isnt doing nothing? Perhaps she makes eyes at strangers on buses

I lived with a friend for a long time, a Swedish blond! Not the Nordic stunner you're picturing- a shy, humble and happily spoken-for lady but nevertheless, whenever we'd walk around town, even in daytime, I'd be surprised at how borderline rude guys would be with their slack-jawed gaping. On one night out, myself and her bf as well as another bunch of friends had to practically physically dismiss some randomer who just wouldn't eff off and leave her alone. I think you don't have to be all that good-looking for idiots to start presenting their credentials. I'm not envious of these women.

RubyWoo83

cantdecide wrote: »

I'm not envious of these women.

Why not? Everyone has their strong points... for some it's looks, others it's intelligence, others it's personality. Some lucky ones even get it all!

You just have to learn to work whatever your strong point is to your advantage!

cantdecide

RubyWoo83 wrote: »

Why not? Everyone has their strong points... for some it's looks, others it's intelligence, others it's personality. Some lucky ones even get it all!

You just have to learn to work whatever your strong point is to your advantage!

Maybe being pestered for your great personality or intelligence is different but I'd say being pestered by rude strangers who haven't the first idea about the character of the pesteree doesn't paint a very good picture of the pesterer!