Date a friends ex - would you do it?

Ellsbells · 13-11-2012 10:46am #1

Some people impose a 'no dating my ex' ban on friends. What do you think about this?

I don't think it's anyone's business who an ex or even a friend goes out with. I do understand if it was a substantial relationship e.g ex fiancé etc then it would not be nice to see a friend with an ex but do we have the right to dictate who our friends / ex's date???

listermint · 13-11-2012 10:48am

Ellsbells wrote: »

Some people impose a 'no dating my ex' ban on friends. What do you think about this?

I don't think it's anyone's business who an ex or even a friend goes out with. I do understand if it was a substantial relationship e.g ex fiancé etc then it would not be nice to see a friend with an ex but do we have the right to dictate who our friends / ex's date???

I would imagine it will be very tough for a friend to still maintain a relationship with another friend if they are constantly bringing a previous partner around. They broke up with them for a reason. So yes if you value friendships stay clear.

Why would you want to anyway? its clearly dangerous territory.

Feedbackup · 13-11-2012 11:28am

You can't legimately go out with your bet bud's ex, no matter how fine they are!

to paraphrase a master of the subject

'You can't date someone's ex, it's like against the rules of feminism'

LizT · 13-11-2012 12:20pm

It depends on the circumstances. If it was my best friend's ex and they'd been together for years, no.
If it was my best friend's ex and they had only been together for a few weeks or months then I'd probably talk to her about it.

I'd only do it if I thought it was going to be a relationship, not just a hook up

IrishEyes19 · 13-11-2012 12:21pm

Not a chance would I remain friends with someone who dated an ex o f mine. It's nothing to do with jealousy, or bitterness. It would just be plain uncomfortable. And I dont think its unacceptable that someone would end a friendship over it. I couldnt imagine having to see them together all the time, hang out together, and go to their events they would have, ie parties ect.

And if a friend had any respect for the friendship, they should stay away from that. At the end of the day, yeah everyone is free to be with who they want, but I'd end the friendship there and then.

Neyite · 13-11-2012 12:43pm

I was attracted to a friends ex some years ago and he asked me out. Out of loyalty to my friend, we agreed that before anything occurred between us, that I would ask her if she was ok with it.

The reason being was that I barely knew him, but she had been my friend for a long time, and they had had a significant long term relationship. Luckily she was fine with it, she had moved on relationship-wise and wished us all the best.

We dated and went on to have a long term relationship where we were madly in love. Even when it ended, he was very much the "one that got away"

Some people feel odd that their friend and their ex would discuss them. That never happened, I never asked and never wanted to know - to me, if someone gives intimate details of their ex it puts me off as I feel they are entitled to their privacy just like I would hope to be respected in that way were I to become an ex.

Princess Peach · 13-11-2012 12:50pm

I think it would be a deal breaker in a friendship for me. I'd just see it as a betrayal. It has happened quite a bit in my group of friends, sometimes causing tension but no long lasting issues. I'm not sure that would be the case with me.

I've never had a friend date an ex. I did have one date a hook up of mine, I didn't have an issue with it but I felt extremely uncomfortable when we had to hang out alright!

But a long term ex of mine would be off bounds to a friend. Aside from the betrayal of my friend, another problem for me is I don't think I could hang out with them. Maybe not the "right" way of thinking, but its how I feel.

SunnyDub1 · 13-11-2012 12:51pm

Whether it was your friends ex that she dated for a month, two months two years - it's still an ex.

IMO a loyal friend wouldn't date your ex. I most certainly wouldn't like it done on me so I wouldn't do it on any of my friends.

ted1 · 13-11-2012 12:54pm

Many of my friends have married friends exes.

Ireland is to small to rule out friends exes. Chances are you've socialised with them a great deal. Just because it didn't work out with your friend doesn't mean the two of you aren't meant to be together.

Das Kitty · 13-11-2012 1:13pm

There's been lots of cross-dating in my group of friends.

My friend married my ex from school and I couldn't be happier for them both. Another friend of ours went out with six of the guys in our extended group before settling with the guy she married. Five of the six exes were at the wedding.

There was one sore point with one girl, who every time she broke up with someone, they went and married the next person they went out with. When it happened with a friend of hers she threw a wobbly (even though she had only kissed the guy twice). That was the only time I think there was any acrimony.

I realise this post makes us look like a 'free love' hippie commune...

Wibbs · 13-11-2012 1:40pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

I realise this post makes us look like a 'free love' hippie commune...

I know a fair few social circles like yours where people have dated each other all over the place. Didn't seem to cause too many issues.

Personally I wouldn't go there myself. Wouldn't have been the done thing in my particular circle. luckily it never came up as my male mates would all have different tastes. As one friend said many moons ago, if we were stuck on a desert island with the spice girls, we'd all pick a different one.

Emeraldy Pebbles · 13-11-2012 1:43pm

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with a friend going out with an ex but ONLY after I was COMPLETELY over him. That can take time. But it comes very fast at the end, once I'm over someone I'm over them. Once any residual feelings are gone, it's fine.

The breaking up for a reason thing? Well, sometimes it's nothing more sinister than it just petering out or feelings changing. Now obviously, if I felt an ex was bad news, that would be a different matter entirely.

Da Shins Kelly · 13-11-2012 2:01pm

I'm unsure about this one. On one hand, once you've broken up with someone, you don't have any claim over them and it's not really any of your business who they subsequently go out with. I would also feel bad if I knew I was standing in the way of two people who possibly really like and want to be with each other getting together. I don't really think there's any legitimate reason to stand in the middle of that if you're no longer involved with the person.

On the other hand, I can see how it could be weird for someone to see their friend with a former boyfriend/girlfriend, and it could be hurtful too if they're not totally over the ex. I think the time in between them breaking up and getting with other people can be a factor in this. It could be upsetting for someone to see their ex quickly move on to the next person, much less their friend, and I could see how that could be seen as somewhat disloyal.

MissFlitworth · 13-11-2012 2:42pm

I guess it would depend on the ex, the breakup & how long it had been since the relationship. An ex in general would be a no go for me, if it was an ex that my friend had been very in love with/wasn't completely over/engaged to/been d1cked over by then I wouldn't go near them. (Or if it was an ex that a friend had d1cked over because it would just make life very awkward and weird) A more casual ex though with a few years since the relationship could be a different story but I'd want to seriously think there was a future there.

If my relationship with my current partner (*knocks on wood*) was to break down and a friend asked me if I was ok with them dating him it'd be the end of our friendship for sure, no matter what the circumstances because I just couldn't be around him with a new partner.

LizT · 13-11-2012 2:58pm

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Whether it was your friends ex that she dated for a month, two months two years - it's still an ex.

IMO a loyal friend wouldn't date your ex. I most certainly wouldn't like it done on me so I wouldn't do it on any of my friends.

That's a very simplistic view to take. A few of my friends have been in relationships that weren't that serious and lasted a few months. Are those guys completely off limits for all of their friends? Even if the potential relationship could lead to marriage or long term commitment?

It all depends on circumstance. I think it's stupid to declare someone completely off limits if a friend dated him for two months. I wouldn't have a notion of pursuing any of my friends' serious exes but if a relationship wasn't that serious then I think it's ok to consider it.

SunnyDub1 · 13-11-2012 3:14pm

LizT wrote: »

That's a very simplistic view to take. A few of my friends have been in relationships that weren't that serious and lasted a few months. Are those guys completely off limits for all of their friends? Even if the potential relationship could lead to marriage or long term commitment?

It all depends on circumstance. I think it's stupid to declare someone completely off limits if a friend dated him for two months. I wouldn't have a notion of pursuing any of my friends' serious exes but if a relationship wasn't that serious then I think it's ok to consider it.

Different strokes for different folks - everyone will have their own view on it but if one of my friends dated a guy for 2 months there was obviously some sort of connection between the two of them. 2 months is long enough time.
I personally wouldn't feel comfortable (no matter how much I liked them) starting a relationship with them.
"making love" with someone my friend has had sex with - no thanks.

Plenty of guys out there, wouldn't feel the need to get involved with a friends ex no matter how serious they where or weren't or how much I liked them.

LeeHoffmann · 13-11-2012 3:22pm

If my friend had a relationship with the guy, then no. If she hooked up with him once upon a time, then I think it´s OK as long as the friend is ok with it. I´d obviously ask her first.

Cavehill Red · 13-11-2012 3:26pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

My friend married my ex from school and I couldn't be happier for them both. Another friend of ours went out with six of the guys in our extended group before settling with the guy she married. Five of the six exes were at the wedding.

Every man's dream wedding - to a woman who settled for him after trying out all his mates first, all of whom get to attend. :eek:

Das Kitty · 13-11-2012 3:35pm

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Every man's dream wedding - to a woman who settled for him after trying out all his mates first, all of whom get to attend. :eek:

I said settled with. Subtle difference.

Most people try out relationships with various different people before settling down. I realise you can't conceive of people being able to be friends with exes and exes of their partners. You're just parsing something through the filter of your own experiences. But not everyone thinks the same way as you do.

LeeHoffmann · 13-11-2012 3:52pm

Every man's dream wedding - to a woman who settled for him after trying out all his mates first, all of whom get to attend.

men have a dream wedding?

It wouldn´t be my idea of marital bliss either tbh but I know some people are a lot more relaxed about these things

Cavehill Red · 13-11-2012 4:16pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

I realise you can't conceive of people being able to be friends with exes and exes of their partners. You're just parsing something through the filter of your own experiences. But not everyone thinks the same way as you do.

While you're practising telepathy can you tell me what number I'm thinking of?
No?
Then you need to accept that you have no idea of what I can or cannot conceive of and it is inappropriate to pretend to read other people's minds.

Das Kitty · 13-11-2012 4:50pm

Cavehill Red wrote: »

While you're practising telepathy can you tell me what number I'm thinking of?
No?
Then you need to accept that you have no idea of what I can or cannot conceive of and it is inappropriate to pretend to read other people's minds.

Just like you can't speak for every man...

IrishEyes19 · 13-11-2012 4:53pm

In fairness, it doesn't matter what people think. Its up to the individual to decide what they can and cannot tolerate. Its acceptable for a human being to go out with whoever they want, just as its acceptable for a person to end a friendship because they can't be in the presence of an ex dating their friend. Both sides are reasonable and have consequences sometimes.

Ellsbells · 13-11-2012 4:55pm

Princess Peach wrote: »

I think it would be a deal breaker in a friendship for me. I'd just see it as a betrayal.

I really dont get it. You dont own either of them and its very harsh to cut off a friend because they have fallen for someone you know. TBH I see it as very controlling.

IrishEyes19 · 13-11-2012 5:00pm

Ellsbells wrote: »

I really dont get it. You dont own either of them and its very harsh to cut off a friend because they have fallen for someone you know. TBH I see it as very controlling.

It's not controlling, they can go off with them if they want, but why should you have to put up with it in your face. I'm envisioning my close friends who I trust with everything, who I've known for years since I was a child. And all of a sudden group nights out will include your ex boyfriend with your friend, parties, holidays away. Going over to their apartment. Its all in your face. And even more so if they get serious.

No one here is saying you are trying to control your friends dating life, but it works both ways, you dont have to tolerate it in your life either. Awkward and painful would be the two words that would come to mind.

Good for anyone who has had blissful breakups with ex's and stayed friends. But would I want my ex back in my life like that. No way.

Ellsbells · 13-11-2012 5:04pm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

you dont have to tolerate it in your life either.

Good point.

CarMe · 13-11-2012 5:14pm

I've only really two "exes" before my current partner and I would be happy to see either of them happy no matter who they were with but neither of these were long term relationships.
My current partner though, I hate to say but Id hate to see him with any of my friends or even acquaintances if we were to break up. We live together and have a child together and as much as id want him to happy, definitely not with my friend!

IrishEyes19 · 13-11-2012 5:23pm

CarMe wrote: »

I've only really two "exes" before my current partner and I would be happy to see either of them happy no matter who they were with but neither of these were long term relationships.
My current partner though, I hate to say but Id hate to see him with any of my friends or even acquaintances if we were to break up. We live together and have a child together and as much as id want him to happy, definitely not with my friend!

+ 1, I would want past partners to be happy too. It's their lives, but it wouldn't make me happy feeling awkward and uncomfortable everytime I wanted to see or visit my friend. How awkward would it become when you would have to decline invites to events from your friend and your ex? Would you even get an invite. Personally it would be a problem in my eyes.

mackg · 13-11-2012 5:36pm

Never really had a problem with this type of thing. Have had a few examples of it within my group of friends and the only time there was any problem was where it was kept a secret. If you're dating a friends ex then tell them. The longer it goes on in secret the worse it is when they find out, from my experience anyway.

msg11 · 13-11-2012 6:14pm

I was in the middle of something like this, best mates. I was in a relationship with one of them a year or two back. Didn't know they were mates at all, then after we started meeting up on one night out, I found out. Felt very bad, but apparently she didn't have a problem. Only thing was annoying, was she the ex would tell the other girl 'oh yeah that's what we used to do'. That sort of thing, didn't work out in the end. I say that played a part in it.

Now I dunno how I would feel about her dating one of my friends, but sure it's none of my business at all. Come to think of it, she was seen someone I see from time to time. Kinda annoyed me at first, now it's just reinforced that it's over and I should move on myself.

cookiexx · 13-11-2012 7:05pm

I'm sort of in the middle of a situation like this right now, except that I'm the friends ex.

I dated a guy for a few months, we both lived abroad but he went back to Ireland about a month ago. I've sort of had a huge crush on a friend of his since before we got together & since my ex left, we've both admitted that we like each other & been on a few dates, but it just seems like it's impossible to move forward.

1 of my ex's friends has already 'had a word' with him about starting something with me & the guilt & secrecy of the whole situation just seems to be killing it.

In my mind, as long as it wasn't a long-term 'love of your life' type thing that ended horribly for your friend, I don't see the problem. It's hard enough as it is to meet someone that you connect with & have that elusive chemistry with.

I just wish my situation was different

Date a friends ex - would you do it?

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