Terminally Single

Lanza158

Regarding meeting men... if you only meet men through work maybe that is a large part of the problem. I have alway been reluctant to get involved with someone I work with because if it all goes horrible wrong you still have to work with them.[/QUOTE]

I agree regarding meeting men at work. A lot of people don't want to get involved with someone in the office. And sometimes people you meet through work are afraid of damaging your professional relationship.

sha the man

castaway_lady wrote: »

What would you do if the following was your life story?
- 35 female, never been in a relationship or had any interest from men
- almost completely inexperienced at intimacy
- get on great with men in every other way
- they talk to me about mutual interests but they date other women (mostly prettier versions)
- tried the usual ream of advice: join a gym, clubs of interest, take classes, online dating.......

I managed to spend a good while distracting myself with studies, career, interests etc etc but low and behold they don't work anymore.

Pubs and clubs were never my thing as Im not a drinker, but at this stage I don't even have any single friends to go out with. Even in the company of women I feel like Im always on the periphery looking in at their coupled lives and experiences while hoping that my lack of anything doesn't crop up.

Every day I suck it up and do a great job of convincing the world Im a happy. productive camper which isn't the case even though I do lots of activities and involvements that I enjoy. I feel like I've missed out on so much and I envy siblings and friends and even my parents who are in happy relationships, making plans etc etc.

I have no reason to believe that I'll ever get a shot at what I want and at this stage just wish that I could find some kind of acceptance that this is it. But even physically Im so frustrated and crave physical contact- even though I only have an imaginary perception of what Im missing? Even my mother has me written off!

Has anyone got their head around being in the same position?

p.s. Please don't post if all you have to say is any of the following:
- men are like buses....etc
- stop looking and you'll find it
- online dating is the mecca (been there, tried it several times, not going there again)

Dear castaway lady

you sound like a female version of me as regards terminally single. i am very bad on the intimacy front to the point where i simply do not understand when people or more to the point girls are interested. i do however drink but in your case not being a drinker and ergo not being around when people are drinking is going to limit your options. a lot of people use it as dutch courage without which they cannot talk to girls. as insecure as girls are guys can be as well the alcohol does help relax people. totally sober sex whilst not impossible is going to require a level of trust and courage on both partners for a first date if both parties are sobar as a judge it is like metal on metal in today world it is simply easier if everyone is just a little merry. however there is nothing worse then being in a room full of drunk people and being sobar. everyone sounds like they are talking ****e because they are but it makes sense to each other because thinking is blurred that being said i am not saying to change your stance in it only throwing in a possible explanation. also it takes a lot of courage for a guy to ask a girl out personally i am unable to do this and as the culture in this country is for the guy to ask the girl out i spend a lot of time on my own to the extent i am now more comfortable with my own company

<mod snip>

Ickle Magoo

sha the man, welcome to PI.

Please be aware it is highly inappropriate to use this forum as anything other than the advice forum as laid out in the forum charter.

Given you have already had two posts deleted which also breach forum rules, I'd ask you ensure you are acquainted with the forum charter HERE to avoid picking up infractions/bans.

Many thanks

Please respond to this post ONLY via PM

sha the man

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

sha the man, welcome to PI.

Please be aware it is highly inappropriate to use this forum as anything other than the advice forum as laid out in the forum charter.

Given you have already had two posts deleted which also breach forum rules, I'd ask you ensure you are acquainted with the forum charter HERE to avoid picking up infractions/bans.

Many thanks

Please respond to this post ONLY via PM

fine please delete the account thank you

Reesy

Hi Op,

I read the whole of this thread last night & you kept coming back into my thoughts all day. Here are a few humble thoughts.

castaway_lady wrote: »

...To answer a few points, body shape, I can't complain on that score, up to neck level at least there's not much I'd change...

First, I infer from what you've not said that you don't think you have a pretty face. You seem like a smart, self-aware person, so I won't question your assessment (though we all know that there's no rule that says only the beautiful end up in happy relationships - far from it, happily). Would you like to tell us about this?

Second, from your responses, I get the feeling that you are weary of your task, and (forgive me) not really open to trying something new. Maybe one one level you are, but on another level it feels like you're pushing away the new ideas. After 35 years no-one can blame you. But of course, you need to step past this if you are to break free of the patterns.

From here on I'm just suggesting:

- Try an activity with other people where for most of the time you're too busy / tired to think about relationships around you - something that'll push you out of the comfort zone that your express so well in your first post. Maybe something like these sail training trips on a tall ship. And for you, the less French you speak the better. (If you find yourself rejecting this out of hand, see point 2 above).
- Maybe talk to a counsellor. From the responses we can see there are many in your position and so there should be experts who can help you learn a new approach.

Good luck.

castaway_lady

Long time no catch up. Im back and still all by my little self. Having read, reread, mulled over, analysed, over-analysed, contemplated and abandoned all, downloaded the application form for the nuns....a few times...I somehow in a fit of frustration took the advice sending me back to the world of online dating. So I created a profile on a site I hadn't used before-no profile pic but it's been getting a fair amount of attention including a few decent fellas (I write a mean profile ). What I'm so much realising though is the extent to which I'm so unqualified to deal with all this stuff at this stage. It's like sitting the leaving cert in 6th class in primary school. I do obviously get the catch22 here. The messaging is fine, the real me comes across in that but it's the meeting up bit Im finding a monumental roadblock.

So people yee got me into this...now help me?

sharper

Yay! I'm happy to see things looming up a little

I reckon it's like anything, it seems like a roadblock until you do it the first time. As long as you avoid loading pressure on yourself and accept that the first guy you meet isn't likely to turn out to be your soul mate and/or secretly a millionaire you'll do fine.

It's also the case that at a first meeting everyone is nervous so it's hard to get personality across, you should remember that when you're deciding if you like other people too!

Personally I find communication helps, once I know people are aware and understand I'm nervous or anxious I feel a lot better about it.

looksee

Give yourself a good talking to. You are not inexperienced. You may not have done any dating but you have life experience. You know how to introduce yourself to other people, you know how to chat, you are relaxed in a restaurant.

Arrange to meet for coffee in a cafe, make sure you can identify each other. Have each others' phone numbers.

Then stop thinking about yourself and go out with the intention of putting the other person at ease.

Keep it short, no more than an hour, then if you feel you want to take it further,ask him to ring you. Text a message later that day to say how much you enjoyed meeting him, and suggesting you meet up again and ask him would he like to do that. That expresses your interest and gives him a chance to come back with the actual arrangement. Or of course he might do it first!

Of course if you both realise you are madly interested then just run with it!

The most important thing in all the above is - stop thinking about how you feel and concentrate on him. Its a bit like an interview - if you are an interviewer you don't worry about what the interviewee thinks about you, you concentrate on what makes them tick.

Present yourself as you are, if he doesn't like what he sees then its going nowhere anyway. Be aware of your body language - you know, all the routine stuff about not crossing your arms in front of you, it is true! Relax, don't talk to to fill every moment, look at him, be willing at some stage to make contact, even if it is just a hand touch it will break the ice.

dd972

From a male perspective, even though I've had a couple of short term minor relationships and am sexually experienced, on the whole I still regard myself as involuntarily celibate; ie; ''normal'' (whatever that is) and like yourself the type of person who ''should'' be married or in a long term relationship, yet the holy grail of finding The One continues to elude me, I use the inverted commas as, of course, we've no God given right or entitlement to these things.

You try and rationalize the situation to the nth degree ie; ''loads of folk worse off than I am'' ''what about all the unhappily married folk'' ''at least I've got my health and money in the bank'' blah, blah, blah

Then to rub your nose in it even further you have to put up with all these people (many of whom are boring, mediocrities) who find this sector of life an absolute breeze all wondering ''what's wrong with you?'' as you think to yourself things like ''where do all these people meet each other?'' '' these hooked up folk aren't that much better looking,wittier, intelligent or have that many more prospects than me?'' '' I'm not anti-social or a hermit, you'd think blind chance would have found me someone at this stage of my life ''

I'm no Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I'm still a fairly intelligent, presentable bloke with a good sense of humour who can talk about most things.

As someone who's thrown the kitchen sink at the problem to no avail, the only advice I can give is to keep trying and hoping, as grim as it sounds picture two gravestones in the cemetery one saying '' this person tried and failed because they weren't good enough '' and the other saying '' this person gave up trying so we never knew if they were good enough ''

I'd rather be the one who tried and failed.

LegacyUser

Hi Castawaylady, glad you're giving online dating ago. I was in the same boat as you. Hadn't even kissed a guy until I was 30. Finally asked a friend out that I really liked got told no. Eventually just wanted to meet a few guys and have that teenage fun as you pointed out that you missed out on too and started online dating and figured at least I might gain experience in what and what not to do on 1st dates. The second guy I even accidently headbutted him as he was giving me a quick kiss good night.i thought oh well, at least I will know not to that with the next guy. Surprisingly he asked me out again and still going out and taking it slowly. I didn't know anything, how soon is too soon to reach and hold his hand etc.

I was always perhaps appeared too independent, self sufficient and apparently intimidating in ways due to that, not needing comforting etc. never needing anyone. I began to let a barrier I had built up around me down that I didn't even realise was just there from over the years and it wasn't about, letting my guard down, sacrificing my independence though or anything. It was more so believing that someone would want to put their arm around me to just not just to comfort me, but to be close to me and really want to get to know me.

I hate all that crap about, oh until you love yourself you can't love anyone else. It's a load of BS. That it'll happen when it happens. You sound like you have a fulfilling life like I did, tried loads of things. Even one friend said to me a long time ago that he thought I was gay, just simply because I never went out with anyone. Its def not easy and seems unfair and doesn't make sense. I don't have any advice, I don't think anyone could've given me advice to what to do. But I do really have hope for you and really want you to find someone, and every so often remember to be nice to yourself, it's not easy.

dd972

One thing that's worse about being ''Terminally Single'' is if there's nothing you can put it down to ie; gayness, a personality disorder,mental or physical health or disability issues, being odious of character or unattractive to look at, or having personal circumstances like elderly relatives to look after that makes your situation not conducive to finding someone.

And like most people stuck in this void OP, you come across as a nice person who doesn't deserve this situation.

Doc Ruby

castaway_lady wrote: »

No moving isn't an option or something Id want to do, I have a good job here (2 actually) and my house and my interests, life etc. Sure there is one aspect of that life that doesn't exist here, but uprooting and throwing all that away isn't a guarantee of finding that elusive aspect either. Plus given that I can't holiday alone for a week, I def wouldn't survive moving by myself. I've built up a decent life here, have interests and involvements that are really important to me.

Do you think maybe your perception of yourself and your position in the rural (and hence probably small) community might be affecting your willingness to flirt, even on a subliminal level? While relying on the community simultaneously.

Nobody here knows you so its mostly guesswork, but my standard advice in this situation would be to bite the bullet and go talk to strangers, then flirt with the ones you like and go out with the ones that flirt back. Anything will do for an opener, then just go with the flow. If there's no craic, you're objectively better off knowing in advance that this person isn't right, so its a win-win.

Its not like an interview, if you get all wound up you're penalising yourself before you even got started. Saying "I'm so unqualified to deal with all this stuff at this stage. It's like sitting the leaving cert in 6th class in primary school." this to me is a big flag that you're approaching it as a challenge. It's not, you're looking for someone to share time with, and you can't do that without having the craic. If they are unable to have fun in a way you enjoy, it wasn't going to work anyway.

Having the craic is really the central point to take away here.

With all that said it sounds like the way you see yourself in the community is the big stumbling block, getting out of that rut is the way forward. Online chit chat is grand as far as it goes, but can you tell us why meeting in real life is a problem, is it the guys who shy away or yourself?

CaraMay

Have you looked into joining Macra. I know a couple of girls who did and they had a ball on the various outings. Will be good to meet people if nothing else.

Stavro Mueller

CaraMay wrote: »

Have you looked into joining Macra. I know a couple of girls who did and they had a ball on the various outings. Will be good to meet people if nothing else.

Nice idea but the OP might be just too old to join Macra.

looksee

I'd say she is certainly too old for Macra, over 25 you would be too old!

desolate sun

mood wrote: »

What do you do for a living? I'm sure there a way to add a femininity edge to any type of clothes/uniform.

I agree with this.

Also regarding the clear mascara and tinted moisturiser. I used to wear just the bare minimum makeup and I thought it was OK. Until I went to get a trial makeup done. The makeup artist just added a touch of blusher and some mascara. It was very subtle but it really brought out my cheekbones and emphasised my eyes. No joke, but I got more male attention that day.

I'm not telling you to cake yourself in makeup but it is amazing what a little bit can do. I nearly always wear a bit of blusher and mascara now, sometimes a bit of lipstick. It's very subtle but I feel prettier wearing it, and this confidence can't do anyone any harm.

I know people dismissed the person that said to wear more skirts. And it does seem to be rather simplistic. But I swear to God, whenever I wear skirts, I get more doors held for me by men and more attention in general.
It seems old fashioned and I think it's one of the Rules from that stupid book, but looking feminine is something that men look for.
(Besides everything else like personality, achievements etc )

mood

looksee wrote: »

Give yourself a good talking to. You are not inexperienced. You may not have done any dating but you have life experience. You know how to introduce yourself to other people, you know how to chat, you are relaxed in a restaurant.

Arrange to meet for coffee in a cafe, make sure you can identify each other. Have each others' phone numbers.

Then stop thinking about yourself and go out with the intention of putting the other person at ease.

Keep it short, no more than an hour, then if you feel you want to take it further,ask him to ring you. Text a message later that day to say how much you enjoyed meeting him, and suggesting you meet up again and ask him would he like to do that. That expresses your interest and gives him a chance to come back with the actual arrangement. Or of course he might do it first!

Of course if you both realise you are madly interested then just run with it!

The most important thing in all the above is - stop thinking about how you feel and concentrate on him. Its a bit like an interview - if you are an interviewer you don't worry about what the interviewee thinks about you, you concentrate on what makes them tick.

Present yourself as you are, if he doesn't like what he sees then its going nowhere anyway. Be aware of your body language - you know, all the routine stuff about not crossing your arms in front of you, it is true! Relax, don't talk to to fill every moment, look at him, be willing at some stage to make contact, even if it is just a hand touch it will break the ice.

I disagree with keeping dates from dating site short. If you like each other and are getting on well why rush off? Surely that sends out the message that you are not interested.

Mouldy Mary

desolate sun wrote: »

I know people dismissed the person that said to wear more skirts. And it does seem to be rather simplistic. But I swear to God, whenever I wear skirts, I get more doors held for me by men and more attention in general.
It seems old fashioned and I think it's one of the Rules from that stupid book, but looking feminine is something that men look for.
(Besides everything else like personality, achievements etc )

I recommended wearing more skirts, which wasn't well received so I didn't comment further. I believe that women who refuse to wear skirts have a poor self image. I think the o/p should work on her self image. Men tend to avoid women who have a poor self image.

Taltos

As the OP has not been back to this thread since Christmas I am closing it now after 8 pages of advice.