Terminally Single

leahyl

ongarboy wrote: »

OP, I believe some of the recent advice given on participating in online dating or taking proactive steps to partake in singles nights or other events that involve interaction with guys (salsa or ballroom dancing) is something you should seriously consider.

I know it's probably a little more difficult for girls to go out or want to go out alone to a niteclub but my point is you need to be proactive.


Don't every feel ashamed of being single. Anyone who judges you for being single is not someone you should be associating with anyway. I think you yourself rather than others has the biggest hangup on being single and from your latest post, it seems to become a kind of self destructive obsession. It's ok to not want to be single and relationships to be something you aim or aspire to having. Being single should not be something that depresses or stresses you. If it does,then it sounds like there is perhaps a more serious underlying issue that is causing this stress for you and maybe it would be no harm if you sought some counseling to address this.

ongarboy that was a good post but I don't think you understand that it's not just a case of being single for the OP - it's the fact that she has never had a relationship, like myself, and has been single her whole life.

I am extremely down at the moment as I just have no avenue to meet anybody with similar interests and values that I could possibly have a relationship with. At this stage only one of my friends is single and as you can imagine I am beginning to feel very left out and I've almost resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life - might sound extreme but that's how I feel:( One workmate has gotten engaged recently, one is moving in with her boyfriend, one has a baby now and another friend of mine just recently met a guy that she's been seeing for 6 months now.

I just have this empty feeling in me a lot of days - which I think is a feeling of loneliness and being left out. I am pretty 'normal' believe it or not and have been told many times that I am attractive etc. but it still doesn't make me believe that I am worth being in a relationship with. Every year around this time I tell myself next year will be different but it never is. I just wouldnt feel comfortable doing online dating - I want to meet someone face to face and for it not to be contrived or set up, for it just to be a natural 'getting to know each other' scenario and perhaps having that develop into a relationship.

Please don't think this is an attack on you ongarboy, I just felt I had to explain to people where I think the OP is coming from.

You say "being single should not be something that depresses or stresses you" - tell that to someone who is 27 and has NEVER been in a relationship but would really like to be.

mood

leahyl wrote: »

ongarboy that was a good post but I don't think you understand that it's not just a case of being single for the OP - it's the fact that she has never had a relationship, like myself, and has been single her whole life.

I am extremely down at the moment as I just have no avenue to meet anybody with similar interests and values that I could possibly have a relationship with. At this stage only one of my friends is single and as you can imagine I am beginning to feel very left out and I've almost resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life - might sound extreme but that's how I feel:( One workmate has gotten engaged recently, one is moving in with her boyfriend, one has a baby now and another friend of mine just recently met a guy that she's been seeing for 6 months now.

I just have this empty feeling in me a lot of days - which I think is a feeling of loneliness and being left out. I am pretty 'normal' believe it or not and have been told many times that I am attractive etc. but it still doesn't make me believe that I am worth being in a relationship with. Every year around this time I tell myself next year will be different but it never is. I just wouldnt feel comfortable doing online dating - I want to meet someone face to face and for it not to be contrived or set up, for it just to be a natural 'getting to know each other' scenario and perhaps having that develop into a relationship.

Please don't think this is an attack on you ongarboy, I just felt I had to explain to people where I think the OP is coming from.

You say "being single should not be something that depresses or stresses you" - tell that to someone who is 27 and has NEVER been in a relationship but would really like to be.

Online dating, speed dating, being set up by friends etc is very common. By refusing to consider to do anything like this is just holding yourself back. The scenario of meeting someone and getting to know them naturally is ideal but it's not a ideal world and you have to make the best of your situation and make your own opportunities. If you are still single in 10 years you will regret not putting your self out there more.

You said people assume you have a boyfriend. Maybe single guys you meet also assume you have a boyfriend. At least by going speed dating or trying internet dating it will be clear you are single and open to a relationship.

Starokan

Lots of very good advice here, the only thing I would add is that when you meet someone you like forget the subtle hints, just ask them out, it will be immensely nerve wracking but very often the guy will be just as nervous or unsure as you.

Even if it leads nowhere the first time you ask someone, dont be afraid to ask again. I'm not saying ask out randomers (unless you want to) but if there is someone you know that you think it might be fun to date just go for it.

If he says yes great, if no its not personal there could be any amount of reasons

ongarboy

Hi leahyl, don't worry! I certainly did not take your eloquent post as an attack. You make some good points but I'd just like to revert on one or two of them. You say you'd not feel comfortable with the contrived setting of online dating but sometimes you have to go outside your comfort zone to get what you want. Ideally, I think most people would like someone they are attracted by to make all the moves - how easy that would be for us then! However, it takes a bit of guts and courage to make the first move yourself, acknowledging that there may be a risk of rejection. If there is, then you have to just dust yourself off and try again.

Also, don't see such set ups in online dating/blind dates/speed dates as overly orchestrated or contrived. Sometimes, a bit of planning and nudging has to happen for a flame to ignite or burn. Once established, the natural evolution and chemistry of the relationship then can take over if it is meant to work in the first place. I think it is better to try all options and even fail then not try at all. Aren't there many guys that come on here (most who come across as very decent guys) saying they want to find women too? If some of them also partook in more organised or planned dating via online/speed etc, the law of averages is that there will be some successful connections - perhaps better odds this way then if they cannot successfully meet others in the more traditional outlets (niteclubs, bars, etc). I think if people really want it bad enough, they will (or should) exhaust all avenues.

I'm not sure what else I can say as I have been out of the dating game a while now so maybe I'm not the best placed to advise but I have one or two friends who are single and who say they want to meet others but do not make an effort. They have given up on going on the pull at niteclubs which I don't blame them if they have find it not to work for them over the years. I suggest various clubs such as hiking/running/tag rugby groups or even dining out/cinema/ bookclub type gatherings but they seem to shirk away from them as well as avoiding online dating means but then they say it's bad luck that they can't meet someone (overlooking the fact that they've made no effort). Again, they do not take a jump outside their comfort zone.

Ickle Magoo

Off-topic/hi-jack posts deleted.

Folks, in PI threads should be for and relevant to specifically the OP that started them.

If anyone else has an issue they require advice on, then as per the Forum Charter could they please start their own thread rather than hi-jacking this one.

Cheers.


Please respond to/comment on this post ONLY via PM

castaway_lady

Ive tried the online dating thing and absolutely hated it...did I mention HATED IT. I do still have a profile on a site, but without activity or intent.
I dont know any woman who's going to go out to nightclubs alone nor who having no experience of success in dating is going to be capable of asking someone out.

And it's fair enough that it's impossible for someone who hasn't spent their whole life single to get the impossibility of these. I don't think Im generally depressed, but I most definitely have days where it gets me down and seems to be in yer face at every crossroad. I do have a whole lot else going on in life, its just that the prospect of spending it single feels like missing out and gets tougher and tougher in practical ways. And I just...well...like the company of men *shrugs*.

mood

castaway_lady wrote: »

Ive tried the online dating thing and absolutely hated it...did I mention HATED IT. I do still have a profile on a site, but without activity or intent.
I dont know any woman who's going to go out to nightclubs alone nor who having no experience of success in dating is going to be capable of asking someone out.

And it's fair enough that it's impossible for someone who hasn't spent their whole life single to get the impossibility of these. I don't think Im generally depressed, but I most definitely have days where it gets me down and seems to be in yer face at every crossroad. I do have a whole lot else going on in life, its just that the prospect of spending it single feels like missing out and gets tougher and tougher in practical ways. And I just...well...like the company of men *shrugs*.

What site did you use? I think paid ones are better than the free once which attract a lot more time wasters and pervs.

castaway_lady

Too much of my hard earned money on a paid one.

mood

castaway_lady wrote: »

Too much of my hard earned money on a paid one.

What's that saying... cutting you nose off despite you face!

catallus

mood wrote: »

What's that saying... cutting you nose off despite you face!

It's not cutting her nose off to spite her face, mood...she's said it a number of times, she no longer deems OD to be an option, for her own reasons!

mood

catallus wrote: »

It's not cutting her nose off to spite her face, mood...she's said it a number of times, she no longer deems OD to be an option, for her own reasons!

There is a hugh difference between free site and paid site so unless she used a paid site which I don't think she did then she could be really missing out on meeting someone decent. If the OP is so miserable being single surely she should be trying everything out there to meet someone.

castaway_lady

mood wrote: »

There is a hugh difference between free site and paid site so unless she used a paid site which I don't think she did then she could be really missing out on meeting someone decent. If the OP is so miserable being single surely she should be trying everything out there to meet someone.

Ummmm isn't that what I said. It was a paid site and I wont be spending anymore money on it. I agree that there is a big difference between paid versus unpaid but that doesnt mean paid online dating is thE cure.

zxcvbnm1

OP - im sure you have little interest in going into detail, but I have to ask - what is the thing you have against online dating so much? Is it that the dates you've had we're particularly bad ? Or is it the effort involved in trying to arrange the dates? Or what us it exactly ?

I was watching 'come dine with me' a while back and one person went in 46 Internet dates before she met her husband online.

It really is a numbers game.

Have you tried speeddating by the way?

castaway_lady

I learned that truth is a very rare commodity in the online world, you go to meet up with someone and you dont recognise them because they're 5'4'' instead of the 5'10 they proclaimed, they manage to magic up 2kids that didnt exist in their profile, their 3rd level education has morphed into the Junior Cert, or the worst of all they used a profile pic of a male model or there is nothing to say to them when you actually get offline.....its horrendous, mentally draining.
Speeddating in rural Ireland??? These events are more rare than sunshine and Im not going to drive 2& a half hours to Dublin to walk into some bar/hotel room alone for this.
Im sure that this all sounds to those that it all comes easy to as if Im putting roadblocks in place here, but not everyone is cut out for these methods that people seem to think are the magic bullet.

catallus

OP, I agree that the lies can severely jaundice your view of OD, I had bad experiences with misrepresentation and other odd behaviour which kinda put me off the whole online thing and like you I now have an abandoned profile which is gathering a layer of dust for the past six months, getting a visitor about every two months without even a message! I couldn't care less about it at this stage. For those of us it hasn't worked out for I think it's just so unhelpful to have it suggested again and again as a substitute for real human interaction and meaningful connection, or as a panacea for lack of opportunity to meet people.

Reading over the thread I don't think you mentioned that you have an interest in any particular man, even though you are in the company of men a lot? I think if you are looking for someone in a real world situation you have to set concrete targets for yourself in your mind and not treat a "relationship" as some sort of abstract goal.

a posse ad esse

I don't blame you about not wanting to try the online dating again. I went through the same sh*te as you and was easily annoyed too. The fact you live in a rural area is harder, I would imagine. The social life tends to be surrounded by the farm or related activities which for me would bore me to tears.

Personally with me and some others I know have met their partners through their circle of friends or family. Why not have your friends or family set you up with someone? I don't see anything wrong with that to be honest. I set up my cousin with a classmate of mine. It didn't work out but at least tried as she was having problems meeting guys. I am not sure if there are any activities in your area that you may enjoy in like cookery, wine tasting, dance lessons, tag rugby or other sport with the hopes of meeting someone? Or an adult education class just to get yourself out there?

I know it is not as easy as some make it out to be and online dating isn't for everyone.

mood

castaway_lady wrote: »

Ummmm isn't that what I said. It was a paid site and I wont be spending anymore money on it. I agree that there is a big difference between paid versus unpaid but that doesnt mean paid online dating is thE cure.

What you said was ambiguous. It let me to think you would never consider a paid site.

SharpshooterTom

Just to let you know OP I sympathise with you. The only advantage of course is I'm 26 but the way things are going I could very easily be in your position by 35.

My experiance is rather shocking, I've never kissed a girl, or dated one and thus never been involved in a relationship. I'm embarresed about it, and worried it will be a potential turn off if I ever do indeed start actively looking. I mean it is a problem there is no doubt about that.

When you say you cry when you see couples hold hands or talk about it, I know how that feels and sympathise with you every bit. Whats worse is you're usually fed these cliches of "there's somebody out for everyone" "you'll find someone when you least expect it" etc that sound like script from a romantic film, in reality it doesn't work like that.

My thought process was so destructive I attempted suicide over it last april and for the first time prompted me to have therapy and to change my thought processes of why I was such a major social recluse causing these problems, thinking the world didn't want to know me, so before I indulge in potential dating, I have to improve my social skills first and become more socially active. Life is tough castaway lady and you need to work damn hard at making relationships work, for some like us, its not easy but you have to keep trying and taking the hits, because if you do you wont keep losing. Knocking on that door and it will open eventually but keep trying just to let you know I'm rooting for you and I'll continue to follow this thread with interest good luck!

Lanza158

I think you may need change your mindset. If you are miserable and down a lot of the time, you will attract that kind of energy back. I was in a long term relationship up until 7 years ago, since then, nothing. A while ago this started to bother me, like you I was lonely and missed companionship. I was depressed. But I have realised that I need to be pro-active and change my thinking. You are worthy of being loved but you need to feel that for yourself first. I know that sounds a bit airy fairy but I think it's true.

castaway_lady

catallus wrote: »

OP, Reading over the thread I don't think you mentioned that you have an interest in any particular man, even though you are in the company of men a lot? I think if you are looking for someone in a real world situation you have to set concrete targets for yourself in your mind and not treat a "relationship" as some sort of abstract goal.

I've had interests in plenty along the way, unreciprocated every single time in the last 20years. But I did get to sit on the sidelines and watch those guys choose pretty ladies instead or back away upon signs of interest from this direction. Then after a few dozen efforts and self-esteem assaults the pointlessness and need for self-preservation takes precedence.
So these days its a case of 'remember you can look but you can't touch & even if you could you wouldn't know where to start' :rolleyes:

sharper

castaway_lady wrote: »

I've had interests in plenty along the way, unreciprocated every single time in the last 20years.

You mentioned a seemingly different problem though when trying online dating - people that were dishonest or misrepresented themselves?

If you were unattractive or outright repulsive people wouldn't lie about themselves to get on a date with you.

You mention being in a rural area, are you completely tied to that location? Are you willing to consider building a life somewhere else, maybe somewhere that has people that appreciate you?

beks101

OP you are so trapped by your own mindset and I feel like it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like you've given up hope on ever meeting anyone and I've sure that permeates every aspect of your demeanour - which will keep the cycle going.

I really feel for you, as we are the sum of our experiences, and if your romantic experiences with the opposite sex have been predominantly negative & frustrating, it's very hard to not take it personally, to not internalize and believe that you are unlovable. Which is not the case at all, you're clearly a very smart, insightful, funny woman.

Let's talk about your appearance for a second. I know you said you are fit and healthy and take good care of your body, which is a big plus. But what about your dress sense? Do you wear clothes that flatter your figure, draw attention to your best features, highlight your femininity? Do you wear makeup? Do you style your hair? I'm by no means saying you need to turn into a barbie doll to attract the opposite sex, but you keep mentioning a lack of male attention and if you want this to change quickly, this is an obvious place to start. Men are more visual than women in that sense and what's distinctly feminine will be attactive to a heterosexual man.

My next question is body language. I suspect yours isn't exactly positive, given that your self-esteem has been affected so badly by this issue. That has to change, otherwise you're headed for a much longer time in the same direction. Men need encouragement in order to approach, and if you're sitting there with your arms folded, head down, retreating from the spotlight, body facing away from someone, it's signalling that you're unavailable and there's no point in engaging you. Even the most subtle of negative body language behaviours will hint this at the people around you.
You need to get over this and you need to learn how to flirt. Not just talking to men like you're 'one of the lads'.

Best of luck to you. I really believe you have a lot of homework to do on yourself in terms of the negative beliefs, energy and body language that you're radiating, because as someone else mentioned, as long as that continues, it's going to come back at you twofold.

castaway_lady

I wear flattering clothing when the opportunity permits, which can be rare at times definitely. My work attire doesn't give that sort of leeway and thats what Im in most of the week, its probably fairly asexual if anything. Ditto with make-up most of the week, its just tinted moisturiser & clear mascara, nothing more would be suitable for the job. (have wondered a few times post-gym workout...prospects might be better if we lived in a naked society )

Body language....yea I've thought about this and it is something Im aware of in general. Most of the time when I meet men of interest Im in a work or training capacity so I think the body language is fairly neutral there because Im comfortable and in my depth so to speak. Social situations probably a bit less so, but then they're very very rare these days so difficult to judge. Im definitely not as far gone as arms folded & head down but I will never be taking centre stage on the dance floor either. Flirting doesn't come naturally and as you quite rightly identified experience of previous efforts have not met with positive feedback, then when it's mostly via work where I meet guys of interest I don't feel like it's appropriate or that Id be compromising my professionalism?

While a relationship is what Id like ultimately, at this point in time, some fun casual encounters- the kind of stuff I missed out on in the teen years really appeals....my inner repressed slut breaking out perhaps

fits

Is there anything keeping you where you are living at present? I think you might need a good jolt out of the status quo.

I actually promised myself some years ago that if I didnt meet anyone whom I saw a future with that I'd move abroad even though I love home. I'm just not sure if Ireland is conducive to meeting someone.

Also re the clothes and stuff... its more an inner makeover that you need.

sharper

castaway_lady wrote: »

While a relationship is what Id like ultimately, at this point in time, some fun casual encounters- the kind of stuff I missed out on in the teen years really appeals....my inner repressed slut breaking out perhaps

That's perfectly fine and it does sound like something fun might help you (partially where I was coming from with the foreign holiday idea!) but I would just add that loneliness can be dangerous when combined with horniness. If you want sex go get some but don't trade sex for a feeling of intimacy or a desire for physical contact if those are what you really want.

beks101

fits wrote: »

Also re the clothes and stuff... its more an inner makeover that you need.

I feel like it's a combination of inner, outer and environmental opportunity that leads people to their partners.

Inner, in that it's about confidence and their thought process - if someone believes something inherently negative about themselves, such as that they'll 'never meet someone', they're 'not attractive to the opposite sex', they're 'not girlfriend material' etc...then it's a monumental mental barrier towards meeting someone. It influences all of their social interactions with the opposite sex.

Outer, in that, well, looks are what initially attract. That's the nature of the game and there's no getting around it. It's not to say that you need to walk around looking like a supermodel - all types of 'average' and 'below average' and ordinary-looking etc..people meet suitable partners every day of the week. But making the most of your appearance, taking the time and the care to spend some time on the image you project to the world, will increase your chances of attracting attention, if that's something you're struggling with. Body language also comes into it in a big way. What you do with that attention - that's where the inner stuff comes in.

And environmental - you need to create opportunities for yourself. If the only place you meet men you fancy is at work, and hitting on them will compromise your professionalism, then that's clearly not working for you. You need to cast the net, figure out how you can alter your life so that you're surrounded by men in places other than just the office. Lets say statistically, most people meet their partners through friends - that means making the effort to go to all the nights out/dinners/social events that your friends are holding and inviting yourself along if you're overlooked. Staying in regular contact with friends, placing yourself on their social radar. Making the effort to increase your social circle if the friends you have are busy with families, kids etc and don't have time for a social life anymore.

I agree that that may mean a change of location altogether - Ireland is a tough place to meet someone if you're not into the pub scene & in many rural places it can be a numbers thing too - there simply aren't many prospects left when you live in a small town and reach a certain age.

Add the complete lack of a culture of dating in Ireland to that and it just compounds the problem. Certainly for me, a late 20s woman living abroad - the male attention and propositions increased by about 100% when I moved away. People just seem a lot more comfortable expressing interest and being forward and dating is a regular part of life that can result from any sort of daily interaction with a man. In Ireland, asking someone out in a supermarket or bank queue immediately lumps you in the 'weirdo' bracket.

castaway_lady

Geez Sharper we seem to be getting wires crossed at every turn, I didnt mean my desire is to go having sex with a lot of randomers, bit less that that would do for starters.

No moving isn't an option or something Id want to do, I have a good job here (2 actually) and my house and my interests, life etc. Sure there is one aspect of that life that doesn't exist here, but uprooting and throwing all that away isn't a guarantee of finding that elusive aspect either. Plus given that I can't holiday alone for a week, I def wouldn't survive moving by myself. I've built up a decent life here, have interests and involvements that are really important to me.

I just really never thought it would affect me to this extent, Im tired of trying to engineer a fix for it, tired of the effect that it has on the life of a 35 year old, I actually thought all along that I was stronger than this!

Jenneke87

castaway_lady wrote: »

No moving isn't an option or something Id want to do, I have a good job here (2 actually) and my house and my interests, life etc. Sure there is one aspect of that life that doesn't exist here, but uprooting and throwing all that away isn't a guarantee of finding that elusive aspect either. Plus given that I can't holiday alone for a week, I def wouldn't survive moving by myself. I've built up a decent life here, have interests and involvements that are really important to me.

I just really never thought it would affect me to this extent, Im tired of trying to engineer a fix for it, tired of the effect that it has on the life of a 35 year old, I actually thought all along that I was stronger than this!

Castaway Lady, I know that what I'm about to say may not sit well with you but at some point something's gotta give I think. Nothing you will ever do will ensure getting a partner but I think it's save to say that your current approach is certainly not yielding any results. Not taking any action is the same as saying you'll allow the situation to remain the same. Is there perhaps even a somewhat larger town nearby where you can meet anyone, social dining events, Ceili dancing, there are plenty of websites where you can ask for e.g. a sportpartner or whatever your interests are that you can possibly do together. If you do nothing you will get nothing in return.

coconut5

I would say treat it like any other goal in your life. Put all your energy into it. If you really want it that is.

I would agree - go to every single event you are invited to. Definitely take up a class or something where there will absolutely be men (for example, not yoga or something, where it will be 90% female). One where you get to go on weekends away together - I hear scuba diving is a good one!
Join a gym - this is where all the hot ones lurk! The men that work there will probably be cute as well.

I would treat it like you treat a goal to get a new job or lose weight or something. Make out your list and plan of action, and stick to it!
I know loads of people your age, male and female, who are still single, so I really wouldn't think 35, wah, I've left it too late.

And I know it's a lot harder than other goals, but you've got to put that out of your mind and just decide that this is what you want. Write it down every night. Only think positively when it comes to meeting someone. There's a brilliant quote from Goethe that the moment you decide to do something, 'all manner of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred... raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.'
That's a shortened version, look up the real quote, it's great.
I definitely believe that if you want it enough, it will happen for you within the year.

mood

castaway_lady wrote: »

I wear flattering clothing when the opportunity permits, which can be rare at times definitely. My work attire doesn't give that sort of leeway and thats what Im in most of the week, its probably fairly asexual if anything. Ditto with make-up most of the week, its just tinted moisturiser & clear mascara, nothing more would be suitable for the job. (have wondered a few times post-gym workout...prospects might be better if we lived in a naked society )

Body language....yea I've thought about this and it is something Im aware of in general. Most of the time when I meet men of interest Im in a work or training capacity so I think the body language is fairly neutral there because Im comfortable and in my depth so to speak. Social situations probably a bit less so, but then they're very very rare these days so difficult to judge. Im definitely not as far gone as arms folded & head down but I will never be taking centre stage on the dance floor either. Flirting doesn't come naturally and as you quite rightly identified experience of previous efforts have not met with positive feedback, then when it's mostly via work where I meet guys of interest I don't feel like it's appropriate or that Id be compromising my professionalism?

While a relationship is what Id like ultimately, at this point in time, some fun casual encounters- the kind of stuff I missed out on in the teen years really appeals....my inner repressed slut breaking out perhaps

What do you do for a living? I'm sure there a way to add a femininity edge to any type of clothes/uniform.

Regarding meeting men... if you only meet men through work maybe that is a large part of the problem. I have alway been reluctant to get involved with someone I work with because if it all goes horrible wrong you still have to work with them.