Adults living with their parents...

Trigger Happy

Trigger Happy wrote: »

But do you not find it a bit demasculating having your parents still look after you long in to adulthood? Like when do the apron strings get cut?

What’s the definition of apron strings? I’m building a house next door to my parents so I won’t be going too far away if that’s what you mean.

I don’t know what the “looking after” you are on about is though?

hynesie08 wrote: »

Until he got married, noxy still brought his washing back home to mammy, those strings are fairly long.....

Who said I stopped? I’m living at home most of the time for again now for the last while and will be until our house is built.

eviltwin

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Covering some bills or paying towards food is different (if they accept it, many won’t) but actually paying rent makes zero sense. The mortgage is the same if you live there or not, many won’t even have a mortgage anymore also.

The majority of parents won’t accept rent, I bet most never even heard of the concept, I wouldn’t have only for reading about it on boards as I’ve ever seen it discussed or mentioned anywhere else. So saying it’s “respect” or fairness” doesn’t come into it at all.

I'm taking rent from my daughter. It's a nominal amount because she's not earning much. I call it rent but it's to cover food and other stuff she uses that I have to pay for. It's fair, I work hard, her dad works hard... Why should we not use our disposable income to treat ourselves? Why shouldn't she be expected to pay her way same as she would elsewhere? I'm not running a charity and she's not a child. She is responsible for her own life in every respect, all we do is provide a bed. If she doesn't like it she's free to leave but she doesn't complain because she's not an entitled brat.

iamwhoiam

Why are people so judgmental about others lives ? Its not affecting others how people live and its up to families how they choose to sort out their financial arrangements .

Squall Leonhart

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm taking rent from my daughter. It's a nominal amount because she's not earning much. I call it rent but it's to cover food and other stuff she uses that I have to pay for. It's fair, I work hard, her dad works hard... Why should we not use our disposable income to treat ourselves? Why shouldn't she be expected to pay her way same as she would elsewhere? I'm not running a charity and she's not a child. She is responsible for her own life in every respect, all we do is provide a bed. If she doesn't like it she's free to leave but she doesn't complain because she's not an entitled brat.

I don't think you'll get many people arguing with you here. Teaches her the value of money as well.

partyguinness

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

The only person who considers it sponging is you and a few others, most would find it unusual to be paying rent to live in their own home. Many parents don’t want or need the money and some may even take offense and their children tying to pay them. If I tried to pay rent (which I wouldn’t as it’s a crazy concept) I’d find the money transferred back into my account, probably rounded up to a higher amount.

Interesting that you regard it as living "in their own home" or "your own bed" but yet you don't feel the need to contribute or pay for it. Nice one. I suppose you will tell us next that you are entitled to it. Beginning to sound like a teacher or public sector worker.

It's not about "want or need the money"- it's the principle. I recall living at home for 15 mts in my mid-20s (in a full time job as I had moved back working relatively local). My parents would not accept any money so what I did unknown to them was intercepted the ESB and gas bills in the post and paid them at the bank.

My parents certainly did not need the money (no mortgage which they paid off years ago and my self employed father earns over €100k pa) and they didn't even notice I had paid the bills until many months after I left. I also bought most of my own food and did my own washing and ironing.

I also sent them on two long European weekend breaks to Amsterdam and Prague which cost me a fortune but I was taken on plenty sun holidays to Spain during the 80s and early 90s so I could hardly complain.

Unless you are a farmer's son living at home and working the farm then not contributing toward your upkeep is shameful IMO.

Oh and you have a free site from you parents. You are a real beaut.

Bet you will still be over to Mammy every day for your dinner.

knipex

mr_fegelien wrote: »

As I said, it's mostly an American thing. I know of one guy who pays rent in my class and he's 19. He's from a pretty strict African family so no surprises there.

And why should he feel guilt for sponging off his parents? It's hard living in Ireland. Very expensive. Would you say the same for kids from rich parents?

its also hard and expensive for the parents..

partyguinness

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Why are people so judgmental about others lives ? Its not affecting others how people live and its up to families how they choose to sort out their financial arrangements .

This is an online boards forum. It kinda goes with the territory.

wiggle16

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Is paying rent an American thing? I know one guy in my class (19) who is forced to pay rent but he comes from a pretty strict African family so there's no surprise there.

It's not an American thing. I'm currently back living at home and I pay my way. I pay rent (at least that's what we call it, my mother also jokingly calls it her "wages") and I contribute to bills etc, I always have. The situation is in many ways more akin to a houseshare than an adult child living with their parents. And I think once you're old enough to work you should start handing up at home. I'd have little time for the excuses of anyone who doesn't.

Laineyd, I know where you're coming from but you need to remember that the vast majority of people who are living at home do NOT want to be living at home. I have worked since I was 17 and paid for college myself. I used to have my own place but had to move home (I'm from Dublin, for context) and have not been able to move out since, I can't afford it. My brother is currently homeless. We both work full time.

So it's not really good enough to say that any working adult should be able to afford at least a houseshare, as if that's a blanket statement. I have worked very hard all my life but for a number of reasons I don't have much to show for it. I don't resent people who had it easier or who were luckier than me or simply made a better go of it at life than me. I don't assume they had it handed to them either, and to be honest I really don't think that people have that attitude generally.

There's a lot of misdirected resentment in your post, in my opinion. Most people who live at home do not want to. It's definitely not a free ride.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Why are people so judgmental about others lives ? Its not affecting others how people live and its up to families how they choose to sort out their financial arrangements .

Everyone judges sometimes. If you were to say you’ve never ever been judgemental of someone for an aspect of their life, I wouldn’t believe you.

Captain Flaps

My folks let me live rent free etc while I was in college and then for a year or so afterwards while I was still in a minimum wage retail job, when I got my first 'proper' job I was asked to contribute a nominal amount (think it was €150 or so) towards the food and utilities I was using, I thought that was fair enough. Ended up moving in with the girlfriend about 4 months later regardless but I didn't think it was unfair to ask. My parents would be considered quite well off too, they didn't need the money - it was a move designed to make me consider living expenses etc. I know of loads of families who've done this and then secretly saved the payments towards a regift for a house deposit.

You're not necessarily a sponger if you still live at home in your late 20s and beyond but you'd want to be contributing to the household and not considering it a viable long term option. That's where you move toward taking the piss. I don't know of many people who are still living at home without chipping in.

SusieBlue

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

The only person who considers it sponging is you and a few others, most would find it unusual to be paying rent to live in their own home. Many parents don’t want or need the money and some may even take offense and their children tying to pay them. If I tried to pay rent (which I wouldn’t as it’s a crazy concept) I’d find the money transferred back into my account, probably rounded up to a higher amount.

I pay one or two of the bills most of the time (I say most as sometimes they remember I’m paying them and give me money to cover them). But paying rent to sleep in my own bedroom that I’ve had for 34 years, couldn’t get my head around that.

I'm not being smart but why should your parents be covering your living expenses? Why is that crazy to you?

Why should two adults pay for another adult in his 30's, who earns his own money, to live?
That's honestly bizarre to me.

wiggle16

SusieBlue wrote: »

I'm not being smart but why should your parents be covering your living expenses? Why is that crazy to you?

Why should two adults pay for another adult in his 30's, who earns his own money, to live?
That's honestly bizarre to me.

Agreed.

JustMe,K

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm taking rent from my daughter. It's a nominal amount because she's not earning much. I call it rent but it's to cover food and other stuff she uses that I have to pay for. It's fair, I work hard, her dad works hard... Why should we not use our disposable income to treat ourselves? Why shouldn't she be expected to pay her way same as she would elsewhere? I'm not running a charity and she's not a child. She is responsible for her own life in every respect, all we do is provide a bed. If she doesn't like it she's free to leave but she doesn't complain because she's not an entitled brat.

Everyone should pay their way, sure bills and food costs alone are higher when there are more people in a household, the notion that we should teach our adult children that they dont need to pay their way is insane.

Handing up rent/housekeeping/board/lodgings or whatever someone wants to call it is no more American than I am - I handed up a third of my wages from my first part time job at 15 right through to when I left home, and my daughter will be contributing when she has a full time job also.

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

.

Unless you are a farmer's son living at home and working the farm then not contributing toward your upkeep is shameful IMO.

.

This is the case, obviously not working on the farm full time as I have a good full time off farm job (and the farm isn’t viable as full income source anyway, it’s a side business) but helping at weekends, looking after it when parents away etc.

It doesn’t really change anything though, I still wouldn’t pay rent to live at home without it nor would the money be accepted even if I tried.

Macy Salmon Squeegee

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

What’s the definition of apron strings? I’m building a house next door to my parents so I won’t be going too far away if that’s what you mean.

I don’t know what the “looking after” you are on about is though?



Who said I stopped? I’m living at home most of the time for again now for the last while and will be until our house is built.

You don't think you're looked after, but your mother does your washing. And you're a man in your 30's.

I won't call you a sponger for not contributing financially if you do commensurate work on the farm, but you are certainly taking advantage if you allow your mother, who presumably has done much for you already in your life, to wash your dirty laundry.

LirW

Just thinking about it, once my kids are adults (but this is still another 9 years away), would I charge rent?
I think I'd sit them down and tell them that I won't be charging them rent but in exchange I want everything else done. They'll have to shop for themselves, cook for themselves, pay their own stuff, I'm basically a roommate at this point but I probably won't charge them. Unless I'm not comfortable anymore, then I think I'm in my right to ask them for a fair contribution.

I'm not a charity and I won't mammy them anymore but my reasoning is that while they're still in college they really shouldn't worry about scraping rent together unless they want to. If they work I'd would probably ask them for a share simply because they'd pay rent elsewhere too.
If they're saving for a deposit I leave it up to them but the faster they're done saving, the faster they're gone.

It all comes down to communication. When I was 20, I just had my baby, my mother didn't ask me for rent, she simply said it's probably time to move out and while this was super intimidating, she just gave me the nudge and it was absolutely fine, never had the desire to move back home and not once I was mad at her. She's entitled to finally have her home to herself and she did the same with my sister when she was 20.

Yer Da sells Avon

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Why would you pay rent to live at home? Crazy concept imo that I’ve only ever heard about on boards. My parents would laugh at the idea and transfer the money back if I even attempted to pay rent to them.

If your parents are happy for their adult son to contribute nothing towards the upkeep of the house he lives in, then that's entirely a matter for themselves. It's very rare though. The fact that you think otherwise suggests that you've lead a very sheltered life, in more ways than one.

Squall Leonhart

Yer Da sells Avon wrote: »

If your parents are happy for their adult son to contribute nothing towards the upkeep of the house he lives in, then that's entirely a matter for themselves. It's very rare though. The fact that you think otherwise suggests that you've lead a very sheltered life, in more ways than one.

Nox says that paying rent to his parents to stay at the home place is a crazy concept that he's only heard of on boards. That's bonkers to me. I thought this was surely a widespread thing.

I don't know if I'd call it rent, but rather .. handing up at home?

Some other poster mentioned paying the market rate in rent to their parents as they're still living at home. Again, this is the flip side and also bonkers to me.

If a person happens to own a house in a place where rooms are going for 800 a month, it hardly seems 'fair' to charge a child 800 a month to stay there.

My own view would be pay your way (food, bills..) + a top up payment of a few hundred a month so your parents might reap the rewards of having you there, not just that it's not costing them anything to have you.

Edited:
Just to add, I moved out of home at 20.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Why would you pay rent to live at home? Crazy concept imo that I’ve only ever heard about on boards. My parents would laugh at the idea and transfer the money back if I even attempted to pay rent to them.

Are you still expecting them to provide free childcare when the time comes?

positron

guitarzero wrote: »

This post may(/must?) have been done but sure....

As someone in their late 20's living with their ma (and 2 siblings of late 20's), it's driving me up the wall. Unemployed and for the time being, dependent on her for a roof over my head. I give rent, daily job seek, get up around 9,10, do odds and ends around the house that need done and pretty much keep a bit of a low profile. Yet this does not curtail the underlying tension and arguments that spark out of nowhere. She's regularly stubborn, irrational and reactive which leads to needless arguments. Are all Irish mammy's like this? She's in her mid 50's and her behaviour is getting petty and ridiculous. These bouts are a feature now, myself as the regular target. There is no talking, its very much a defiant 'my way or the high way' kinda tripe.


I'm curious as to how other folks well into their 20's and upwards are managing living with their parents. Do they find themselves caught up in regular needless disputes? Of course theres 2 sides to every coin and I am not claiming to be an angel but these particular sparked reactions are the hall marks of a unbearable, irrational, petulant child.

Hey OP, probably an unpopular option (especially since no one else have commented on it last hundreds of posts) but... if you get up at 9/10 - most of the working day is already gone, and how are you to find a job like that? If you want to be successful, you have to be out the door by 7 (figuratively speaking).

Squall Leonhart

positron wrote: »

Hey OP, probably an unpopular option (especially since no one else have commented on it last hundreds of posts) but... if you get up at 9/10 - most of the working day is already gone, and how are you to find a job like that? If you want to be successful, you have to be out the door by 7 (figuratively speaking).

It's been over 7 years since the OP was made... and over 2 years since the OP last posted!!

end of the road

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

This is the case, obviously not working on the farm full time as I have a good full time off farm job (and the farm isn’t viable as full income source anyway, it’s a side business) but helping at weekends, looking after it when parents away etc.

It doesn’t really change anything though, I still wouldn’t pay rent to live at home without it nor would the money be accepted even if I tried.

exactly. if it works for you all then no harm.
it's culture, traditions and way of life, and you don't have to justify it. some people will never be able to understand and that's fine.

TheIrishGrover

Hang on...... I may be a little slow in catching on (It's been a long week)..... I assume nox is trolling us It is AH I suppose. Hah

NeonWolf

what I don’t get is why people want to have children , only to **** them out at the earliest opportunity?

Surely you want them around. It’s weird.

positron

positron wrote: »

Hey OP, probably an unpopular option (especially since no one else have commented on it last hundreds of posts) but... if you get up at 9/10 - most of the working day is already gone, and how are you to find a job like that? If you want to be successful, you have to be out the door by 7 (figuratively speaking).

Absolute nonsense to be fair. I’ve a successful career and a good job and I rarely get up before 8:30 am or leave for work before 9am nor have I at any stage of my career. Early starts are painful and highly overrated .

NeonWolf wrote: »

what I don’t get is why people want to have children , only to **** them out at the earliest opportunity?

Surely you want them around. It’s weird.

Exactly, my parents are delighted to have their children around and planning to live nearby for good etc. they never wanted to push us out the door etc. who do you think is happier the parents with kids all over the world they never see or the ones with their kids living with them or close by seeing each other everyday/regularly etc. Same goes for the way some almost purposely want them to struggle to “teach them a lesson” absolute nonsense. Parents should help and support their children if they can regardless of their age.

partyguinness

NeonWolf wrote: »

what I don’t get is why people want to have children , only to **** them out at the earliest opportunity?

Surely you want them around. It’s weird.

It's pretty universal throughout the animal kingdom.

positron

I don't leave early either. Big difference between maintaining a successful career and finding a start. Also also between getting out of th e door by 9, and getting up by 9/10.

Anyway, like already pointed out, OP is probably working on his retirement plan by now.. this is a zombie thread resurrection situation.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

NeonWolf wrote: »

what I don’t get is why people want to have children , only to **** them out at the earliest opportunity?

Surely you want them around. It’s weird.

Because you want them to get out there and have experiences. As Ireland is still a pretty small town country overall, you’re not going to have many experiences hanging around your hometown.

My parents don’t need me around all the time. They have their own busy lives.

SusieBlue

Macy Salmon Squeegee wrote: »

Absolute nonsense to be fair. I’ve a successful career and a good job and I rarely get up before 8:30 am or leave for work before 9am nor have I at any stage of my career. Early starts are painful and highly overrated .

There's a big difference between leaving at 9am with a short commute, and not even getting out of bed until 9/10am when it might take you 45 minutes to get to work.

Exactly, my parents are delighted to have their children around answer planning to live nearby for good etc. they never wanted to push us out the door etc. who do you think is happier the parents with kids all over the world they never see or the ones with their kids living with them or close by seeing each other everyday/regularly etc.

So are mine, I have an extremely close family.
That doesn't mean living at home forever while they pay my way is something to aspire to.
Part of successfully raising children is giving them the skills and qualities needed to move away from the nest and make their own homes.

There are just as many parents with children living abroad who are much loved & supported with great relationships as there is resentful parents with adult children living at the family home in toxic, hostile environments.

It isn't a case of distance = crap, uncaring parental relationship, and never leaving their house = good, loving, close relationship.
They aren't mutually exclusive and its a bit insulting that you're suggesting that parents who aspire to have independant children don't care about them.

partyguinness

Yer Da sells Avon wrote: »

If your parents are happy for their adult son to contribute nothing towards the upkeep of the house he lives in, then that's entirely a matter for themselves. It's very rare though. The fact that you think otherwise suggests that you've lead a very sheltered life, in more ways than one.

TBH I grew up in a rural community and I knew/know a good few lads from farming backgrounds. They are sheltered.

He will marry a nice local teacher/nurse/guard called Mags or Maura with her own road frontage or quota. Baby sitter on tap, no mortgage, mammy will have the spuds and chops on the go 24/7.

The parents are partly to blame (as we see it)- they need him around so happy to cater to his ever whim lest he fecks off to Australia...;)

Do you know what? There are far worse ways to live.