Girlfriend used to be a prostitute <Mod Warning Post 1>

sbsquarepants

saiint wrote: »

she told me outstraight after 6 months of dating she slept with over 200 men

i couldnt believe it
felt pure sick to the stomach

I was in a very similar situation and it didn't bother me all that much. I see nothing wrong with sleeping with loads of people, if it's all consensual then go for it, why not? It's just the idea of letting people you have zero attraction to, have a go for money that turns me off. Being promiscuous is not in any way the same thing as being a hooker.
It comes down to how you feel OP, not anyone else. I have no problem with prostitution per se, i feel it should be legalised and regulated, what people do with their bodies is their own concern - but also i couldn't take my missus working as a hooker - i just wouldn't be able to handle it.

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

, so forget about the past and live in the present.

Usually that's great advive, but unfortunately it's easier said than done sometimes.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Been mulling it over for a week. We spoke in a bit more detail about it.

It only lasted about 2 months, and 100 guys in total, which is fewer than some regular people I know have slept with. She was never coerced or threatened, though she did make only a fraction of what she charged. Outside of this, she's slept with only six other guys, three of which were former boyfriends.

She doesn't see it as such a bad thing as you might think. She does regret it, but isn't traumatised by it or anything.

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

gerryk

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

I think we should be able to move on from our "mistakes" from the past, assuming our mistakes weren't harmful to people. I know there are many different opinions on prostitution, but in my opinion both the male and female are agreeing to the transaction, so they are not doing something evil.

Your girlfriend obviously isn't proud of her past, but it's over now, and she wants to move on with her life. She thinks you might be the person she moves on with.

I think you should accept her past and forget about it. We all have histories.

I could not put it more succinctly, so I won't even try.

blatantrereg

Classclown wrote: »

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

If you want to be with her then be with her. That means not pleading ignorance if people talk. You can expect them to be respectful enough not to comment, and if they dont then you can inform them that they need to be. It's nobody else's business. Like I said in my other post, dont worry about what other people think or might think about it. Decide for yourself if you're ok with it.

Pa Dee

OP - you may want to consider this thread. If she ever browses Boards and comes across it.....

Odysseus

Classclown wrote: »

OP here again.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Well then this is the most important from my viewpoint. I know loads of girls who have such histories; why should they not have the right to move on from their past.

If you want to work through it then that's it IMO. Fcuk what others think. There is no need for you to feel ashamed, which your pleadind ignorance suggests. You and your girlfriend are the importants ones here.

Stavro Mueller

I don't think anything anybody writes here on this thread is going to solve your basic problem. You are going to have to find it within yourself to accept that this is something your girlfriend did and make peace with it. If you can't, then you may have a decision to make. As it is, you sound like you're getting a little bit paranoid about it. I would worry that in time this will poison things

strandroad

Classclown wrote: »

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I would worry about this part too. I would never condemn a prostitute, more likely the clients, and I'm sure you know far more prostitute users than you know prostitutes, even if you are not aware of it.

But if she made the call to service 10 men a night as an option preferable to going to her college social officer, to St Vincent De Paul or cap in hand to her family, crashing with friends, whatever - and she still sees it as a viable solution - I would question her priorities as they would be very different to mine. Running out of cash in college is pretty lightweight in comparison to all kinds of financial, personal or professional problems people face later in life. How is she going to deal with them when they come?

I think that you have the right to try and assess if the two of you are compatible; not necessarily on moral grounds, but on the grounds of priorities, life strategies and lessons learnt.

Gmol

Classclown wrote: »

OP here again.

Been mulling it over for a week. We spoke in a bit more detail about it.

It only lasted about 2 months, and 100 guys in total, which is fewer than some regular people I know have slept with. She was never coerced or threatened, though she did make only a fraction of what she charged. Outside of this, she's slept with only six other guys, three of which were former boyfriends.

She doesn't see it as such a bad thing as you might think. She does regret it, but isn't traumatised by it or anything.

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Hi OP,
The past helps shape who we are and this is the person in front of you, I have a lot of respect for her as she dealt with her financial problems without putting pressure on her family. She sounds Luke she likes you by opening her past to you and that shows great honesty to be open with you.
Too be honest it sounds like you have a special girl there. My advice is you need to find a way to deal with it rather than be full of regret later on.best of luck.

beks101

As many posters have pointed out, I think the real issue here is how this was an option for her in the first place.

That raises a host of questions about her moral compass, her attitude towards sex and her own body, her level of self respect, her ability to problem solve, her attitude towards money etc etc.

You know the circumstances now. She wasn't some drug-addled addict, she wasn't coerced into it. She was in a difficult predicament no doubt; her home was in jeopardy if she couldn't pay rent, financial support from her family wasn't an option. But there were several other options worth exhausting before prostitution ever had to be a thought in her head. Cheaper rent, staying on a friend's couch for a few months, welfare, a bank loan, MABS, borrowing from a friend, moving back into her family home.

Why didn't she pursue those? Why was this her decision? Was it just a massive error of judgement borne out of panic and desperation that she has learned a valuable lesson from? Or has her experience altered her view of sex, of men, of money, etc etc...

No-one here can give you any answers because you're the only one who knows your girlfriend. Only you can know what values are most important to you and whether or not this period in your girlfriend's life deems her values incompatible with yours, or whether it was just a blip for her.

Best of luck in figuring all of this out.

bouncebouncey

I have to agree with what a couple of people have already said. She didn't seem to be under any immense pressure before opting for prostitution. There were plenty of other avenues, as outlined previously, that she could have gone for.

She, from the information provided, was very quick to resort to prostitution. There were loads of other avenues open but she didn't go for those. She certainly wasn't one of the desperate cases that were described or speculated about earlier in the thread. If you can't reconcile that fact then you have a problem. If you can then maybe you can move on.

We'll all have our own opinions on what we'd do in your shoes but that doesn't matter. Whatever you choose to do, be it stay with her or split up, is valid. Just because she told you about this and 'opened up to you' doesn't mean you automatically have to be okay with what you've been told. You don't owe her anything so don't let that factor into your decision on this

RDM_83 again

I'd agree with the posts beks101, bouncebouncey and mhge made, I'd also like to point out that this is a rather important point.

Classclown wrote: »

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Her telling you about her 'experiences' I'm sure was a big deal but with this information it could possibly indicate that its not about telling you because she loves you and you deserve to know in a gesture of openness and frankness,

Classclown wrote: »

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

but rather that if you got more serious etc someone else might tell you she was clearly working locally, her best friend definitely does, your friend has heard rumours, its not much of a leap to think you may have ended up hearing something from somebody else sooner or later. I'd honestly ask your friend what he has heard she may be very much presenting herself in the best possible light.

This may sound hypocritical and that I'm judging somebody on their past but having such a mercenary attitude to sex would bother me ie she may see sex as a valid tool to getting what she wants. Also 2 years ago isn;t really that long ago, she's still in the same area she was working, she still says hello to the brothel owners and she doesn;t see it as a particularly bad thing. I'm sure I'l get flack for this and Im being judgemental and hypocritical but I personally would not be able to handle it.

sbsquarepants

RDM_83 again wrote: »

This may sound hypocritical and that I'm judging somebody on their past but having such a mercenary attitude to sex would bother me ie she may see sex as a valid tool to getting what she wants. .

That's the part i'd have trouble with too. If she'd slept with 100 blokes cos she was young free and single i'd have no problem with it. It's WHY she done it that bothers me - surely there had to be other options money wise? It doesn't seem in any way like desperation to me, more like easy money - what happens in a year or 2 when she wants a new car or a nice holiday or a house deposit?
I'm not condeming the girl at all if she's happy to do it then more power to her - but she wouldn't be relationship material for me, no way. I'd view it similarly to her doing porn - dating a porn star is fine and dandy if that's your thing, but not for me, not in million years.

Feisar

OP if this will make you twisted and bitter I'd say get out now before you're any more invested in her.

Also she wasn't on the streets starving, as pointed out she took this route fairly easily by the sounds of it.

How much self respect can she have for herself and in turn have your you?

I also think someone who has no bother with sleeping with 10 men a night would have any problem cheating on you.

Did she get herself thoroughly checked out after her stint as a prostitute?

Feisar

cymbaline wrote: »

I don't think anything anybody writes here on this thread is going to solve your basic problem. You are going to have to find it within yourself to accept that this is something your girlfriend did and make peace with it. If you can't, then you may have a decision to make. As it is, you sound like you're getting a little bit paranoid about it. I would worry that in time this will poison things

This is the crux of it.

Can you yourself make peace with it.

And that doesn't mean putting it to the back of your mind on the simmer. Will you throw it at her sometime in a row? Will it make you suspicious of what she does if she's out for a few late nights? What if ye settle down together and run into financial problems?

OldNotWIse

Classclown wrote: »

Been going out with a girl about six months now, and everything's been great so far. We get on like a house on fire.

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.


This was well before we got together. She's been fully tested and everything's clear, so that's fine, and she's no intentions of returning to it.

I just can't help but think of her in a different way. The thought of it turns my stomach really. I know it's irrational. She's still the same person I fell for. But I'm not sure if I could go out with someone who's done that. Apparently I'm the second person she's ever told other than her best friend. I can't help but think what people would think if they ever found out. I'm kinda disgusted with myself really.

I honestly can't express how shocked I am. I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

I think you have answered your own question. If you can rise above your own prejudices and judgements, perhaps it still has a chance.

gerryk

Feisar wrote: »

How much self respect can she have for herself and in turn have your you?

I also think someone who has no bother with sleeping with 10 men a night would have any problem cheating on you.

Wow. Seems to me that you might be making some pretty big assumptions on this girl's sense of ethics.

discus

I think you are absolutely nuts to continue with her.

It may be well and good now, but you can be sure that if you pair last a long time, you'll no doubt encounter people who are willing to expose her past - blackmail, or just out of spite or vindictiveness. This won't just be a once off insult to your face, this could well extend into your workplace, children, extended family...

Feisar

gerryk wrote: »

Wow. Seems to me that you might be making some pretty big assumptions on this girl's sense of ethics.

Look from what we have been told she was having sex with up to 10 punters a night for money. Many prostitutes claim it is like allowing themselves to be raped, stick the game face on and get it done. This girl had no problem with it apparently. So sex is hardly that big a deal to her. That's how I'm drawing that conclusion. Now, you may argue she is now in a loving relationship and committed and it's different. That's another way of looking at it, sure. Nevertheless it's not like my point is completely out of left field.

LegacyUser

Well I am going to post from a different perspective than most.

OP you girlfriend has found someone she felt she could trust that she can tell this info to this is amazing. I like your girlfriend have also "worked". I did this abroad so hopefully will never see anyone connected but that fear is not a pleasant thing to worry about trust me.

I would trust not one person including my best mate with this info. I would never dream of telling a partner of my past life for the fear of their reaction.

To me this was a lifetime ago i still know girls in the industry, most never have and never will tell anyone of this. They myself included sound like your girlfriend a caring generous loving individual ,love their pets love their kids give to charity one is deeply religious. None of us are messed up druggies or the typical image folk have of a streetwalker off telly ( we used to laugh at them in fact )

Also in regard to the owners that she said hello to have you considered that she may not have been coerced into doing it but they were not happy when she left and may she thought that if I am pleasant to them they will not drop me in it. I had my old boss threaten that if I did not do a shift she would come to my local pub as they kinda knew where I lived and find me. I left right that second Mad Mad Woman she was.

OP consider up until this she was your dream woman from what you say this is a part of her but only a small part. Some of us (me) are to stubborn to pig headed to want to run back to our parents at every problem it may sound odd but there is a lot worse she could be doing, robbing little old grannies for example.

And trust me of all the guys that are dating ex working girls I will guarantee that you will be in the very small percentage that will ever know this fact about them.

Take care and have a think you willing to let the potential love of your life go for this part of her past or do you maybe have a something in your past that you are not proud of that you would only ever admit to TWO people in your entire life.

Best of luck XXXX

OldNotWIse

discus wrote: »

I think you are absolutely nuts to continue with her.

It may be well and good now, but you can be sure that if you pair last a long time, you'll no doubt encounter people who are willing to expose her past - blackmail, or just out of spite or vindictiveness. This won't just be a once off insult to your face, this could well extend into your workplace, children, extended family...

God its not like she killed someone or did time in prison :rolleyes:

OldNotWIse

Feisar wrote: »

Look from what we have been told she was having sex with up to 10 punters a night for money. Many prostitutes claim it is like allowing themselves to be raped, stick the game face on and get it done. This girl had no problem with it apparently. So sex is hardly that big a deal to her. That's how I'm drawing that conclusion. Now, you may argue she is now in a loving relationship and committed and it's different. That's another way of looking at it, sure. Nevertheless it's not like my point is completely out of left field.

How can you "allow yourself to be raped"?? By definition, rape is sex without consent.

Feisar

OldNotWIse wrote: »

How can you "allow yourself to be raped"?? By definition, rape is sex without consent.

It was the phasing I read somewhere. And yes by definition its not rape but it often carries with it a lot of the mental issues rape does.

Mr. Loverman

Feisar wrote: »

It was the phasing I read somewhere. And yes by definition its not rape but it often carries with it a lot of the mental issues rape does.

Who cares if sex is not a big deal to her. Surely she is entitled to feel however she wants to feel about sex, whether than is light-heartedness or Catholic guilt.

I don't believe people who have a relaxed attitude to sex are more likely to cheat.

bouncebouncey

As the OP is entitled to feel however he wants about sex, and his GF's approach or views to it, and act accordingly.

discus

OldNotWIse wrote: »

God its not like she killed someone or did time in prison :rolleyes:

Do you think she'll be letting everyone she meets know about her past? She won't, and that's because some people will change their view of her very quickly if they were to know. Some people would be abhored by it.

P. Breathnach

OP, let me remind you that like the other people responding to you here, I do not know you or your girlfriend, and can comment only on the basis of what you tell us. As in my previous post, I see points or arguments on both sides, so I am simply going to set down some thoughts and let you decide if any of them are helpful to you.

Classclown wrote: »

...Been mulling it over for a week. We spoke in a bit more detail about it....

Your original post made it very clear that you were shocked by what she told you (as would almost anybody be). Even when I responded to you, I wondered if I was wasting my time; I got an image of your wanting to hang in there and giving the relationship a chance, but finding yourself unable to accept or cope with that part of her past. It now looks as if you might be able to deal with it.

It only lasted about 2 months, and 100 guys in total, which is fewer than some regular people I know have slept with. She was never coerced or threatened, though she did make only a fraction of what she charged. Outside of this, she's slept with only six other guys, three of which were former boyfriends.

There is a school of thought that the past is the past, and that it should not be a factor in relationships. I am not of that school, because I think that who we are today has been formed, among other things, by our life experiences. And a period of her life where she sold sex is an important life experience. I had thought of coming back to this thread to suggest that if your relationship was to have any chance of surviving you needed to talk about what she did. Obviously, you didn't need that advice. I think it good that you asked her about things and that she told you.

She doesn't see it as such a bad thing as you might think. She does regret it, but isn't traumatised by it or anything.

Funny one that. Would you prefer if she had been traumatised? No, I'm not poking fun at you. The world does not divide tidily into them and us, with women who do sex for money being "them" and anybody who visits that world without being really one of "them" must be traumatised by the experience.

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

In the light of what you say further down, is it possible that she told you for tactical reasons - that she feared that it would come out anyway, so it was infinitely better if you heard it from her than from the rumour machine?

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

She was broke and under financial pressure. That is the sort of circumstance that drives people into prostitution. Are you sure that it was that easy for her? What were the alternatives she could see? It's not that easy for a broke student to go to people and get money. I know people who abandoned their college education because they could not find the money to continue their studies.

I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

Okay, here's a challenge for you: if you love her, should it matter if your friends know that she has that episode in her past? Because she is the same person, whether they know or not.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Trivial, except for one thing that I mentioned before: it seems that the brothel must be in the same part of the world where you and she now are. That means that you need to be prepared for the possibility that the past might come back and bite her.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her.

Why should you need or want to plead ignorance? If you can not cope with this being known, then you can not cope with it at all. And if you worry about what other people think of your being involved with a former prostitute, which is better: that you be perceived as somebody who does not know about it, or as somebody who does know about it and can get past it?

[I'm slightly bothered by all of us labelling her as a prostitute, because it is such a powerful word. There is more to her than that, and it is the other things about her that draw you to her. I have a slogan clamouring in my head: prostitutes are people, too.]

But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Yes. Not easy for you.

dilallio

Classclown wrote: »

OP here again.

...
...
I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Hi OP,
It sounds from these 2 paragraphs that
a) People do know, and
b) If u met the brothel owners while out walking, she was working locally.

If this is true, and you continue with the relationship (and I'm not suggesting that you should not), you need to work out how you will deal with it when someone tells your family or close friends. Better to consider this now, rather than hope that it might not get too bad.

OldNotWIse

discus wrote: »

Do you think she'll be letting everyone she meets know about her past? She won't, and that's because some people will change their view of her very quickly if they were to know. Some people would be abhored by it.

Such people, especially someone who is meant to fill the role of partner, are probably not worth having around anyway. Perhaps it would be better for her if OP were to finish. Posters on here are talking as if he is doing her some kind of favour by staying with her in spite of her "shady past". Everybody has a past, everybody is entitled to a past and frankly, if you cannot deal with someones past, you move on. Its better for you and its better for them. I certainly would not want to remain with someone who is going to treat me as some kind of embarrassing social disability for the rest of my life.

Cheeky_gal

I typed out a huge post in reply to this thread but accidentally deleted it ! Stress.
I don't have the energy to type it all out again so just a few points I'd like to contribute.

OP, prostitution is by no means a valid excuse to make money. I know several people who are up to their eyeballs with stress not been able to afford their mortgage etc. Do you think for one second that they may be even considering prostitution? Hell no.

There's a documentary on prostitution in Ireland which will be shown on 3e on Wednesday night. It's worth having a look at. Brilliant documentary. Most of the girls in it say they turned to prostitution because "they enjoy sex" and its an "easy way to make money". Could your girl friend not have claimed dole?

Point is, would you like to spend your life with this girl, walk down the street with her knowing lads will be pointing saying "that's your one from the brothel. I bedded her". Of course not.

Move on and find a girl that has self respect. I am sorry but your girl friend does not have any.

And to those saying "she was decent enough to tell you, acknowledge that". Oh wow, pat on the back for telling your boyfriend you used to be a prostitute". Bottom line is, you would have found out down the line, and she knows that. So she had no choice but to tell you.