Girlfriend used to be a prostitute <Mod Warning Post 1>

LegacyUser

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Taltos

Been going out with a girl about six months now, and everything's been great so far. We get on like a house on fire.

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.


This was well before we got together. She's been fully tested and everything's clear, so that's fine, and she's no intentions of returning to it.

I just can't help but think of her in a different way. The thought of it turns my stomach really. I know it's irrational. She's still the same person I fell for. But I'm not sure if I could go out with someone who's done that. Apparently I'm the second person she's ever told other than her best friend. I can't help but think what people would think if they ever found out. I'm kinda disgusted with myself really.

I honestly can't express how shocked I am. I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

P. Breathnach

Some thoughts, which I won't even try to organise into a coherent analysis:

• You say she is still the same person you fell for. There is a bit of a "yes and no" about that, because that element of her history is part of the person she is, and it's a part you didn't know when you feel for her.
• Her telling you was a huge thing for her. The obvious reason why she has done it is because you have become very important to her. She has decided to be totally honest about her past, and to trust you by giving you the wherewithal to ruin her life (imagine the effect if you told everybody about it).
• Do you know how serious her financial difficulty was? What I have in mind is trying to know if she did this because she was in a very difficult situation, or if she did it somewhat casually because it was an easy way to make money. It's a kind of "did she jump or was she pushed?" question. I don't know if the answer would make any difference to you.
• Did this happen in the area where she now lives? What I am thinking of is the possibility of encountering former clients, and the messy situations that might have to be dealt with.
• While I can understand your feeling revulsion, I think you should try to put aside the image of hookers you mention in your last paragraph. That's a stereotype, and you say she's not like that. I suspect that most prostitutes are not like your stereotype. That element of your difficulty is of your own making, and you have more important issues to consider.

Man, I don't envy you your problem: it's very difficult. I don't envy her, either: she has laid her life out before you, and is waiting to see what your response is.

Beruthiel

P. Breathnach wrote: »

[*]Her telling you was a huge thing for her. The obvious reason why she has done it is because you have become very important to her. She has decided to be totally honest about her past, and to trust you by giving you the wherewithal to ruin her life (imagine the effect if you told everybody about it).

Focus on this OP.
She need not have told you, you would never have known.
But, she clearly feels your relationship is serious and that she needs to be totally honest with you.
That says a lot about her character.

She did something in the past that she's probably not too proud of and it was due to desperation.
She hurt no one. (Except possibly herself)

It's in the past.
She has moved on from there.
Accept her for the person she was on the day you met her.

Peanut2011

OP,

I've seen above two replies that you have already got and they bring up very valid points. I know if I was in your position I really would not handle the situation as well as you seem to be.

You are thorn on what to do, where I know I would have told here there and than it was done and would walk away, not saying you should. The real question is can you still look at her the same way you did when you did not know this? Can you ever be as close to her again? I know I could not.

I know Beruthiel mentioned that she did not have to tell you this and that you may never have known about this and it does speak volumes about her, however at the same time maybe she was afraid you would find out and decided to be honest with you out of respect.

I guess if you look at it from another point, if she told you that when she was younger she used to do ONS very frequently, would you have the same problem or would that have been more acceptable to you or do you have an issue with the fact it was for money?

I really hope you do what is best for you and wish you the very best with what ever you decide. I do feel sorry that such a dilemma is before you and I know if that was me I would have walked away. I know I would never be able to put that behind me and go back to how things used to be.

aidan24326

Classclown wrote: »

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This can't have been easy for her to tell you. If you're only the second person she's ever told that shows she has a lot of respect for you. I wouldn't underestimate the importance of that.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.

I can understand you being a bit shocked but you seem to be totally stereotyping prostitution. Why couldn't a prostitute be gentle and intelligent and from a good family like anyone else? You just met one, thus disproving your own stereotype. You seem to have this image of the drugged-up slag standing down by the docks, tugging guys off for a tenner, but that's not the environemnt your gf was working in.

I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

There you go again. She's nothing like this 'image in your head'. Regardless of what stereotypes you have swimming around in your head why not treat her as a person first and foremost, an individual who trusted you and cared about you enough to share a difficult part of her past with you. Why be so judgemental?

She did it, it's in her past, and if you cared enough about her you'd be prepared to leave it there. If you're not prepared to do that then let her go and find somebody a little more open-minded and less judgemental.

Ellsbells

aidan24326 wrote: »

less judgemental.

YOU are being extremely judgemental of the OP. Most people do not knowingly come in to contact with prostitutes on a daily basis and our knowledge is based on what is portrayed in the media which backs up the OP's views on prostitutes.

You are not helping by telling him to let her meet someone less judgemental as this is not what he asked.

OP this is a deal breaker for most but what do you think? Can you get over it? The details arent important IMHO and its more important how she treated pervious boyfriends etc than the details of her 'working' life.

I could never do it but maybe her circumstances were so severe that she had to.... If she is from such a good family, i dont know how that can happen? Did she have a drug habit? If not, why could she not approach her family?

Merkin

Beruthiel wrote: »

Focus on this OP.
She need not have told you, you would never have known.
But, she clearly feels your relationship is serious and that she needs to be totally honest with you.
That says a lot about her character.

I agree but making a living by having sex with 10 different men a night also says a lot about her character don't you think?

And I don't agree that she is still the person that the OP fell for as he now knows something of such magnitude and significance about her that we would be naive in the extreme to think that her admission wouldn't alter things and the way he now views her.

I think P Breathnach raises some excellent points in regard to her actual financial circumstances at the time and whether she is currently living in the same area as the brothel she worked in.

I don't envy your position. I'd like to think I'm as open minded and "left" as they come but if it were me I'd have difficulty putting it aside and carrying on as normal as her past would always be there lurking in the background. I guess it all boils down to how you feel about her. You're seeing her six months, are you in that deep or feel that walking away at this juncture would be an easy call to me make?

aidan24326

Ellsbells wrote: »

YOU are being extremely judgemental of the OP. Most people do not knowingly come in to contact with prostitutes on a daily basis and our knowledge is based on what is portrayed in the media which backs up the OP's views on prostitutes.

Nor do I come into contact with them every day either. That's not the point. I was suggesting he treat her as a human being first, former prostitute second. That would be a good place to start I think, rather than letting his head run away with all kinds of thoughts about what a former prostitute must be like or should be like.

I could never do it but maybe her circumstances were so severe that she had to.... If she is from such a good family, i dont know how that can happen? Did she have a drug habit? If not, why could she not approach her family?

It does seem like a drastic decision to take even if she was financially struggling in College. I'd want to be getting to the bottom of that a bit more for sure.

I don't think the OP is too bothered why she did it though.

Ellsbells

Yea it's a very big leap if you are just struggling for money as a student...

10 men per night would be approx 500 per night. How big could the debt /arrears be that she needed to keep it up. Sounds like a drug habit to me.

Taltos

Ellsbells & aidan - please keep your replies on topic and constructive to the OP. Off topic guessing or discussions serve no-one and is classed as off topic and is a breach of our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

a fat guy

OP, you have my utmost sympathy, as this is the exact kind of situation that I would dread.

Call me shallow, but it's the not the job title that would get to me, it would be the amount of men in question... I see sex as more than just the physical pleasure, to such an extent that I would not engage in a relationship with someone who engages in casual sex at all, let alone beds ten men in a single night. I see it as something special, not to be thrown around for any reason.

We certainly do not know all the facts yet, so I really am just voicing out dumbly with this post. OP, have you talked to her since?

blatantrereg

It's not irrational to be repulsed by that. It's not unreasonable to be judgemental of someone who opts to be a prostitute.

I agree that people shouldn't be tied to their past if they have moved on from it. Like it has been said, she didn't harm others, and she did it before she met you. My personal attitude is that what a woman got up to sexually before I knew them is not my business really - and I pretty much dont want to know. However with this I think it is something she is right to have told you, and it shows honesty and trust on her part that she chose to do so.

There's no right or wrong answer here really. It's up to you to decide whether you're ok with it or not. I would push out thoughts of "what would people think" out of your head as much as you can. It's not good to be influenced by that in matters like this. It's not irrational to change your mind about her when she reveals something that is so much different to who you think she is.

Personally my problem would be wanting information to try to understand, while simulataneously not wanting to hear or think about it at all.

JustAThought

blatantrereg wrote: »

It's not irrational to be repulsed by that. It's not unreasonable to be judgemental of someone who opts to be a prostitute.

I agree that people shouldn't be tied to their past if they have moved on from it. Like it has been said, she didn't harm others, and she did it before she met you. My personal attitude is that what a woman got up to sexually before I knew them is not my business really - and I pretty much dont want to know. However with this I think it is something she is right to have told you, and it shows honesty and trust on her part that she chose to do so.

There's no right or wrong answer here really. It's up to you to decide whether you're ok with it or not. I would push out thoughts of "what would people think" out of your head as much as you can. It's not good to be influenced by that in matters like this. It's not irrational to change your mind about her when she reveals something that is so much different to who you think she is.

Personally my problem would be wanting information to try to understand, while simulataneously not wanting to hear or think about it at all.

There are some very mature, considered, compassionate replies on this thread . I am impressed by peoples kindness & humanity & ability to love and work through difficulties & problems to give a person in difficulty a break.

So I'm trying to bring my response up to this level but Even at this I'm falling short.

OP, I am really sorry for this situation that you find yourself in . You seem like a good person & to love your GF & nobody wants in a simple relationship to have this to have to deal with.

For me , & I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, I would be asking her to know what the situation was. I would need to understand what the crisis had been to understand her reaction to it that lead her to this extremist response. There are a lot of organisations & crisis organisations that that help people in difficulty let alone banks, credit card companies, credit unions, parents, relations, friends, social welfare, EHB, St Vincent De Paul, focus Ireland, Sophia,S.Army etc. I would be needing to understand what drove her to this decision so that I could evaluate on a level I understood . Because I would be questioning the morals & way of thinking of someone who decided to work as a prostitute if was was for basic cash-flow . There are other ways.
I would be seeing them in a different light because it would question their values, attitudes to what is acceptable & who they are in a most profound & basic way.

If my credit card is in hoc & I need 3k I forego the card & convenience & work out a payment plan. If I can't afford rent I move out, back home or with friends who will accept me because I'm a friend & desperate. Most companies will negotiate payment plans & charities like MABS will negotiate with them on your behalf to achieve a result.

I would need to know what exactly the money was for & why she selected this extremist solution. because I would feel that if it was fircinvenience or an quick fix option I would be asking would this value judgement come into play whenever there are hard decisions to be made in the future ; and I mean about otherissues & decisions; not just about whether if she needs the money or something, she will decide to sell herself for sex again.

Mighty_Mouse

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

JustAThought

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

10 men a night.
And the brothel " staff.
Stags.
And anybody else who looked at the " services"/
Or who may have been there on the night/Internet .

& How many nights / days.

There's a lot of people who already know.

You just don't know them.

Sappa

JustAThought wrote: »

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

10 men a night.
And the brothel " staff.
Stags.
And anybody else who looked at the " services"/
Or who may have been there on the night/Internet .

& How many nights / days.

There's a lot of people who already know.

You just don't know them.

It is a secret world that she worked in,even if someone recognised her they wouldn't shout it about the place and she could of been at this in the UK,USA or Australia.
Op it's her past,is she at it now,no.
Give the girl a chance,she is doing good now we all mane mistakes and deserve a second chance.

LegacyUser

it wouldn't sit well with me one bit....even if i really liked her, it would be in the back of my head gnawing away at me forever. it would take an exceptional issue for me to move past it....like if she was forced into prostitution by others. that being said, you're not me.....but i know what i'd do if it happened to me.....

Zen65

Classclown wrote: »

I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that.

Your image of "hookers" is probably based on stereotypes, and is flawed. Prostitutes come from all walks of life, and there are all sorts of reasons why a person chooses that path. There are many decent prostitutes who, under other circumstances, would never dream of undertaking a life of paid sex. For some, casual sex with a stranger is more socially acceptable than admitting the need for money. (I'm not saying this is the case for your gf)

Conversely there are many men and women who lead lives of (what might be considered) hedonism and debauchery for many years, having multiple one-night-stands with no money changing hands. If your partner had led such a life in the past they may choose not to tell those stories, you might be none the wiser, or if you knew you may choose to view this as simply something from their past which was no longer relevant. The issue for you is that there was money involved, and depending on your view, this can be seen a either making her more or less honest or honourable in her dealings.

That it was only something she did two years ago, and you've been together six months, suggests that she worked in this role for a fairly short time. She seems (by your description) to have left that part of her life behind her whilst retaining her dignity, her social values, and her compassion.

So you can choose to see this as either a defect of character of such magnitude that you cannot forgive / accept her, or perhaps to see it as a period in her life when she had to compromise her values for a time in order to survive financially. Is it not possible that the experience has actually made her a more determined, better person? Only you can answer that for yourself. As other posters here have said, pay no attention to what "other people" might think. In truth there are aspects to all our lives that we are glad other people don't know about.

Be at peace,

Z

bouncebouncey

There seems to be a lot of 'oh it's in the past, let it go, what's done is done'.

The truth is you can react however you like to this. It's a completely parameter altering revelation in terms of your relationship. Your girlfriend slept with strangers for money and did so, I assume, for a while. Working in a brothel isn't something you do for a couple of days and then jack in.

Why she did it is part of the issue as well. However that she did it is also still huge.

Why did she do it? How much debt can you get into in college? It's €100-€150 per 'appointment' with a prostitute. Obviously longer costs more and so forth. So ten men a night x €100 = €1k. Lets say she only got to keep half that's €500 a night.

What kind of financial trouble was she in that she needed to make that much money a night? How did she build up such a massive debt that she felt she had no option but to become a prostitute to pay it off? I'm sorry to tell you that massive debts don't just appear out of the blue. They have to be accumulated. Most of us on here probably went to college. I did. I had no financial support from my family and it was tough. I didn't live beyond my means, though, and I wasn't forced into anything drastic. Neither are most people.

It doesn't add up for me. If she got into thousands and thousands of euro debt (with who exactly????) that she couldn't work out a payment plan for then you need to know who it was and how it happened. How long was she at this? She was earning a few grand a week if she was really with 10 men a night. How she accumulated that debt is definitely an issue. If she had a drug habit, alcohol addiction or a gambling problem etc.. it's a factor in who she is as people have to deal with that on an ongoing basis.

There is the chance that she did it because she was alright with sleeping with lots of different men (so that wasn't an issue) and it was a handy way to rake it in. Don't think that doesn't happen because it does. Unfortunately I know that for a fact.

No one can tell you how to feel. And however you feel is neither right nor wrong. It's just how you feel. Don't beat yourself up over it. There are no rules with these things. If you're not alright with your girlfriend being a former prostitute that's fine. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She has quite a few questions to answer IMO. You need to sit down and talk to her calmly and maturely about this. How (if?) she got into that much debt is a factor. If its something she did at the drop of a hat then that's a reflection on the type of character she is too.

There are more questions than answers after your opening post.

For the life of me I can't envisage a legitimate way that a student could accumulate thousands of euro of debt in a short space of time that couldn't be repaid via a plan to a bank or financial institution. How she got to feeling she simply had to become a prostitute I just can't work out.

ihsb

OP. I don't envy you.

You have to work out if she is worth changing your views for. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I personally would dump a man if I found out that he had slept with a prostitute. That is just the way that I feel about paying for sex.

You seem to have handled it quite well and obviously you have a very strong relationship if she felt that she could tell you this about her past.

If you are going to try to keep trying with her then I would suggest talking to her about it. You have to know that you can completely get over it. Otherwise you will hurt both you and her. Counselling might help you to accept and move on. But only do this if she is really worth it for you.

bazza1234

well i for one could not get past this. after all what is a girlfriend only a SPECIAL bond in an intimate sense. she has taken that away be sleeping with all these guys..
the only positive side i would take would be that she most likely wasnt kissing all these men. as far as i am aware, prostitutes are not permitted to kiss so that is the only specialness you can share with her.

so either walk away or kiss her now

Mr. Loverman

Are there things in your own past you are ashamed of?

Are there things in your own past which would freak her out if she knew?

Whatever you decide to do, try not to have double standards.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

A few people have said they don't envy you the position you're currently in. I'm sorry but I personally don't envy your girlfriend. She has laid her soul bare, spilled one of her deepest, darkest secrets to you and now has the nightmare of the possibility of you using that confidence against her and dumping her. This will probably confirm her worst fears, as well as making her feel ten times worse about her past. Which, don't forget, she has to live with, not you. It'll probably deter her from confiding in another guy ever again.

As for the posters who have speculated that she was on drugs? Ridiculous. If she had confided in the Op that she was with 10 men a night, then surely she would have confided in him re a drugs problem. And those who have speculated that she may have charged €100-€150 a man- well again that is purely speculative, nobody knows what she charged and for what services. Finally, I'd like to say that college can be extremely expensive, factor in registration fees, books, rent, food, etc. It's all very well to say she could have gone to the bank, to charity etc. For whatever reason, she obviously felt she couldn't do these things or didn't have any alternatives.

It's important to remember OP, that all of us have done things in our past that we're not proud of, some to greater extents than others. Maybe try talking to her (focusing less on the men she has slept with) and try listen to the reasons she had? You might feel a bit more empathy towards her. Would it be worse if she was out having casual sex? Remember, this was just a means to an end for her.

Best of luck

Mr. Loverman

I know a girl who did something similar. She was an illegal immigrant and her job opportunities were limited to poorly paid cleaning/maid work. She really didn't want to be a prostitute, but her logic was she can earn a weeks cleaning wage in one hour as a prostitute.

She did it on and off for a few years. She regrets it. But it got her through her situation and she is now college educated and building a normal life for herself. If you met her you would think she is a pleasant, normal person.

I think we should be able to move on from our "mistakes" from the past, assuming our mistakes weren't harmful to people. I know there are many different opinions on prostitution, but in my opinion both the male and female are agreeing to the transaction, so they are not doing something evil.

Your girlfriend obviously isn't proud of her past, but it's over now, and she wants to move on with her life. She thinks you might be the person she moves on with.

I think you should accept her past and forget about it. We all have histories.

Mr. Loverman

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Would it be worse if she was out having casual sex?

In a weird way I think it would be. Prostitutes always use condoms, whereas casual sex... let's just say there is a chlamydia epidemic for a reason.

(I don't have a problem with casual sex btw. I'm just saying casual sex is less likely to involve condoms).

fungun

Can imagine you are a bit taken aback.

First thing, Id take stock and do nothing suddenly. Let this new information sink in for a bit, and let your immediate feelings stabilise before making any decision.

I can see how someone who needed money could decide to do that instead of a job - its a lot more $/hr than a normal job. So it might make sense for her. But what it does say about her is that she was willing to sleep with guys for money - so she can see sex in that way. Wouldnt be a problem for me, but I could see how it might be for some people.
If I was in your position, I would be worried about the embarrassment of bumping into to someone who had once paid for her. That would be my only real concern, and that would be my problem really, however she probably feels much the same or even more! If you are in a serious relationship though you could very easily decide to move away to avoid this issue (I know couples who have moved for this type of reason before - he hated constantly seeing her exes in work)

If I were you Id comfort her for now, reassure here she was right to trust you. Ask for more information if you feel you need it. And sit tight for a bit!

sbsquarepants

Speaking personally OP, i couldn't get past that. I'd have to walk away.
It's probably a huge double standard, but i actually have no problem with what she done, live and let live and all that, but that's for theoretical people - i'm happy for them to do whatever they want without me judging them - but for a girlfriend/wife possibly the mother of your children?? Sleeping with 10 blokes a night is fine for mystery woman x, fair play to her, sleep with 20 for all i care - but absolutely not for my girlfriend. Yes, it is a double a standard, but so be it, i couldn't rest easy knowing that, i'd have to call it a day.

saiint

i know how you feel OP
i had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago
although she wasnt a prostitute she was just easy

she told me outstraight after 6 months of dating she slept with over 200 men

i couldnt believe it
felt pure sick to the stomach

my current gf slept with 6 before me and i dont mind that at all because its her past and i have my own past

but 200 and not even a prostitute she just liked sex with different men

been honest i couldnt get past that, over 200 just made me sick

before some judgement comes my way
i wasnt sick that she slept with 200 men, I was sick because she was so lovely, smart , kind person and couldnt think of her giving herself away like that so easy

i didnt get over it and still cant, she understood and were still friends to this day but

everyone is different OP can you get over it? can you look past it? if you cant it does not make you a bad person it means your normal


its very hard to describe the feeling, its like they cheated on you before you met them, but thats life sadly


wish you all the best OP with what ever decision you make

i just couldnt help it, i even knew 2 of the people she slept with which made it the deal breaker for me

Sappa

It's in the past leave it there

Emme

OP, try not to judge her, this must all be extremely difficult for her. There is an excellent blog by an ex-prostitute called "Secret Diary of a Dublin Call Girl". If you read it you might be more understanding of your girlfriend's situation. It's an articulate and often sad account of a girl who got dragged into an underworld when she was young and vulnerable.

Remember, prostitution would not exist unless there was a demand for it. If you cannot deal with what your girlfriend has done in the past then maybe you're not the right person for her. She needs to be with somebody caring, understandable and non-judgemental because she may be traumatised from the work she did in the past.

I take it that you are both relatively young. More older men than care to admit it have been with a prostitute or a lap dancer. Indeed, men can be incredibly hypocritical when it comes to women who sell sex - be it as prostitutes, lap dancers or in porn. They will happily consume the product but often don't see the women as human.

Your girlfriend is trying to move on from her past and deserves a second chance with somebody who cares for her and won't judge her.

Mr. Loverman

This thread has got me thinking about all sorts of things.

We are human and we all **** up some of the time. None of us are perfect nor should we strive to be perfect. Making mistakes and being a dope every now and then is normal.

I also think fretting over the past is a waste of energy. To quote Thomas Carlyle: Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at the hand.. You know your girlfriend is healthy, you know she is a kind and good person, so forget about the past and live in the present.

sbsquarepants

saiint wrote: »

she told me outstraight after 6 months of dating she slept with over 200 men

i couldnt believe it
felt pure sick to the stomach

I was in a very similar situation and it didn't bother me all that much. I see nothing wrong with sleeping with loads of people, if it's all consensual then go for it, why not? It's just the idea of letting people you have zero attraction to, have a go for money that turns me off. Being promiscuous is not in any way the same thing as being a hooker.
It comes down to how you feel OP, not anyone else. I have no problem with prostitution per se, i feel it should be legalised and regulated, what people do with their bodies is their own concern - but also i couldn't take my missus working as a hooker - i just wouldn't be able to handle it.

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

, so forget about the past and live in the present.

Usually that's great advive, but unfortunately it's easier said than done sometimes.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Been mulling it over for a week. We spoke in a bit more detail about it.

It only lasted about 2 months, and 100 guys in total, which is fewer than some regular people I know have slept with. She was never coerced or threatened, though she did make only a fraction of what she charged. Outside of this, she's slept with only six other guys, three of which were former boyfriends.

She doesn't see it as such a bad thing as you might think. She does regret it, but isn't traumatised by it or anything.

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

gerryk

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

I think we should be able to move on from our "mistakes" from the past, assuming our mistakes weren't harmful to people. I know there are many different opinions on prostitution, but in my opinion both the male and female are agreeing to the transaction, so they are not doing something evil.

Your girlfriend obviously isn't proud of her past, but it's over now, and she wants to move on with her life. She thinks you might be the person she moves on with.

I think you should accept her past and forget about it. We all have histories.

I could not put it more succinctly, so I won't even try.

blatantrereg

Classclown wrote: »

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

If you want to be with her then be with her. That means not pleading ignorance if people talk. You can expect them to be respectful enough not to comment, and if they dont then you can inform them that they need to be. It's nobody else's business. Like I said in my other post, dont worry about what other people think or might think about it. Decide for yourself if you're ok with it.

Pa Dee

OP - you may want to consider this thread. If she ever browses Boards and comes across it.....

Odysseus

Classclown wrote: »

OP here again.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Well then this is the most important from my viewpoint. I know loads of girls who have such histories; why should they not have the right to move on from their past.

If you want to work through it then that's it IMO. Fcuk what others think. There is no need for you to feel ashamed, which your pleadind ignorance suggests. You and your girlfriend are the importants ones here.

Stavro Mueller

I don't think anything anybody writes here on this thread is going to solve your basic problem. You are going to have to find it within yourself to accept that this is something your girlfriend did and make peace with it. If you can't, then you may have a decision to make. As it is, you sound like you're getting a little bit paranoid about it. I would worry that in time this will poison things

strandroad

Classclown wrote: »

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I would worry about this part too. I would never condemn a prostitute, more likely the clients, and I'm sure you know far more prostitute users than you know prostitutes, even if you are not aware of it.

But if she made the call to service 10 men a night as an option preferable to going to her college social officer, to St Vincent De Paul or cap in hand to her family, crashing with friends, whatever - and she still sees it as a viable solution - I would question her priorities as they would be very different to mine. Running out of cash in college is pretty lightweight in comparison to all kinds of financial, personal or professional problems people face later in life. How is she going to deal with them when they come?

I think that you have the right to try and assess if the two of you are compatible; not necessarily on moral grounds, but on the grounds of priorities, life strategies and lessons learnt.

Gmol

Classclown wrote: »

OP here again.

Been mulling it over for a week. We spoke in a bit more detail about it.

It only lasted about 2 months, and 100 guys in total, which is fewer than some regular people I know have slept with. She was never coerced or threatened, though she did make only a fraction of what she charged. Outside of this, she's slept with only six other guys, three of which were former boyfriends.

She doesn't see it as such a bad thing as you might think. She does regret it, but isn't traumatised by it or anything.

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

I'm a little worried about how easy an option it seemed to be for her. Basically, she had struggled finding work during the summer, and ran out of cash for rent etc. Her family don't have a lot of money, and she didn't want to ask them for cash, so she turned to this.

It does seem rather extreme, and a quite skewed priorities.

I'm also beginning to worry that people know about it.

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Anyway, I'm really confused. Part of me thinks if people already know than f*ck it. I can plead ignorance. Cause I do really like her. But then again, there are some serious doubts here.

Hi OP,
The past helps shape who we are and this is the person in front of you, I have a lot of respect for her as she dealt with her financial problems without putting pressure on her family. She sounds Luke she likes you by opening her past to you and that shows great honesty to be open with you.
Too be honest it sounds like you have a special girl there. My advice is you need to find a way to deal with it rather than be full of regret later on.best of luck.

beks101

As many posters have pointed out, I think the real issue here is how this was an option for her in the first place.

That raises a host of questions about her moral compass, her attitude towards sex and her own body, her level of self respect, her ability to problem solve, her attitude towards money etc etc.

You know the circumstances now. She wasn't some drug-addled addict, she wasn't coerced into it. She was in a difficult predicament no doubt; her home was in jeopardy if she couldn't pay rent, financial support from her family wasn't an option. But there were several other options worth exhausting before prostitution ever had to be a thought in her head. Cheaper rent, staying on a friend's couch for a few months, welfare, a bank loan, MABS, borrowing from a friend, moving back into her family home.

Why didn't she pursue those? Why was this her decision? Was it just a massive error of judgement borne out of panic and desperation that she has learned a valuable lesson from? Or has her experience altered her view of sex, of men, of money, etc etc...

No-one here can give you any answers because you're the only one who knows your girlfriend. Only you can know what values are most important to you and whether or not this period in your girlfriend's life deems her values incompatible with yours, or whether it was just a blip for her.

Best of luck in figuring all of this out.

bouncebouncey

I have to agree with what a couple of people have already said. She didn't seem to be under any immense pressure before opting for prostitution. There were plenty of other avenues, as outlined previously, that she could have gone for.

She, from the information provided, was very quick to resort to prostitution. There were loads of other avenues open but she didn't go for those. She certainly wasn't one of the desperate cases that were described or speculated about earlier in the thread. If you can't reconcile that fact then you have a problem. If you can then maybe you can move on.

We'll all have our own opinions on what we'd do in your shoes but that doesn't matter. Whatever you choose to do, be it stay with her or split up, is valid. Just because she told you about this and 'opened up to you' doesn't mean you automatically have to be okay with what you've been told. You don't owe her anything so don't let that factor into your decision on this

RDM_83 again

I'd agree with the posts beks101, bouncebouncey and mhge made, I'd also like to point out that this is a rather important point.

Classclown wrote: »

One friend said "I'm glad things are going well. I heard a few rumours about her when you first started going out, but she's great." When I asked what type of rumours, he refused to say.

A few weeks ago we were walking down the street, and met a middle aged couple who stopped and said hello to her. She said at the time they were friends of her parents, but later admitted they were the couple who ran the brothel.

Her telling you about her 'experiences' I'm sure was a big deal but with this information it could possibly indicate that its not about telling you because she loves you and you deserve to know in a gesture of openness and frankness,

Classclown wrote: »

I do appreciate how difficult it was for her to say, and I agree that speaks volumes, and I respect that.

but rather that if you got more serious etc someone else might tell you she was clearly working locally, her best friend definitely does, your friend has heard rumours, its not much of a leap to think you may have ended up hearing something from somebody else sooner or later. I'd honestly ask your friend what he has heard she may be very much presenting herself in the best possible light.

This may sound hypocritical and that I'm judging somebody on their past but having such a mercenary attitude to sex would bother me ie she may see sex as a valid tool to getting what she wants. Also 2 years ago isn;t really that long ago, she's still in the same area she was working, she still says hello to the brothel owners and she doesn;t see it as a particularly bad thing. I'm sure I'l get flack for this and Im being judgemental and hypocritical but I personally would not be able to handle it.

sbsquarepants

RDM_83 again wrote: »

This may sound hypocritical and that I'm judging somebody on their past but having such a mercenary attitude to sex would bother me ie she may see sex as a valid tool to getting what she wants. .

That's the part i'd have trouble with too. If she'd slept with 100 blokes cos she was young free and single i'd have no problem with it. It's WHY she done it that bothers me - surely there had to be other options money wise? It doesn't seem in any way like desperation to me, more like easy money - what happens in a year or 2 when she wants a new car or a nice holiday or a house deposit?
I'm not condeming the girl at all if she's happy to do it then more power to her - but she wouldn't be relationship material for me, no way. I'd view it similarly to her doing porn - dating a porn star is fine and dandy if that's your thing, but not for me, not in million years.

Feisar

OP if this will make you twisted and bitter I'd say get out now before you're any more invested in her.

Also she wasn't on the streets starving, as pointed out she took this route fairly easily by the sounds of it.

How much self respect can she have for herself and in turn have your you?

I also think someone who has no bother with sleeping with 10 men a night would have any problem cheating on you.

Did she get herself thoroughly checked out after her stint as a prostitute?

Feisar

cymbaline wrote: »

I don't think anything anybody writes here on this thread is going to solve your basic problem. You are going to have to find it within yourself to accept that this is something your girlfriend did and make peace with it. If you can't, then you may have a decision to make. As it is, you sound like you're getting a little bit paranoid about it. I would worry that in time this will poison things

This is the crux of it.

Can you yourself make peace with it.

And that doesn't mean putting it to the back of your mind on the simmer. Will you throw it at her sometime in a row? Will it make you suspicious of what she does if she's out for a few late nights? What if ye settle down together and run into financial problems?

OldNotWIse

Classclown wrote: »

Been going out with a girl about six months now, and everything's been great so far. We get on like a house on fire.

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.


This was well before we got together. She's been fully tested and everything's clear, so that's fine, and she's no intentions of returning to it.

I just can't help but think of her in a different way. The thought of it turns my stomach really. I know it's irrational. She's still the same person I fell for. But I'm not sure if I could go out with someone who's done that. Apparently I'm the second person she's ever told other than her best friend. I can't help but think what people would think if they ever found out. I'm kinda disgusted with myself really.

I honestly can't express how shocked I am. I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

I think you have answered your own question. If you can rise above your own prejudices and judgements, perhaps it still has a chance.

gerryk

Feisar wrote: »

How much self respect can she have for herself and in turn have your you?

I also think someone who has no bother with sleeping with 10 men a night would have any problem cheating on you.

Wow. Seems to me that you might be making some pretty big assumptions on this girl's sense of ethics.

discus

I think you are absolutely nuts to continue with her.

It may be well and good now, but you can be sure that if you pair last a long time, you'll no doubt encounter people who are willing to expose her past - blackmail, or just out of spite or vindictiveness. This won't just be a once off insult to your face, this could well extend into your workplace, children, extended family...

Feisar

gerryk wrote: »

Wow. Seems to me that you might be making some pretty big assumptions on this girl's sense of ethics.

Look from what we have been told she was having sex with up to 10 punters a night for money. Many prostitutes claim it is like allowing themselves to be raped, stick the game face on and get it done. This girl had no problem with it apparently. So sex is hardly that big a deal to her. That's how I'm drawing that conclusion. Now, you may argue she is now in a loving relationship and committed and it's different. That's another way of looking at it, sure. Nevertheless it's not like my point is completely out of left field.

LegacyUser

Well I am going to post from a different perspective than most.

OP you girlfriend has found someone she felt she could trust that she can tell this info to this is amazing. I like your girlfriend have also "worked". I did this abroad so hopefully will never see anyone connected but that fear is not a pleasant thing to worry about trust me.

I would trust not one person including my best mate with this info. I would never dream of telling a partner of my past life for the fear of their reaction.

To me this was a lifetime ago i still know girls in the industry, most never have and never will tell anyone of this. They myself included sound like your girlfriend a caring generous loving individual ,love their pets love their kids give to charity one is deeply religious. None of us are messed up druggies or the typical image folk have of a streetwalker off telly ( we used to laugh at them in fact )

Also in regard to the owners that she said hello to have you considered that she may not have been coerced into doing it but they were not happy when she left and may she thought that if I am pleasant to them they will not drop me in it. I had my old boss threaten that if I did not do a shift she would come to my local pub as they kinda knew where I lived and find me. I left right that second Mad Mad Woman she was.

OP consider up until this she was your dream woman from what you say this is a part of her but only a small part. Some of us (me) are to stubborn to pig headed to want to run back to our parents at every problem it may sound odd but there is a lot worse she could be doing, robbing little old grannies for example.

And trust me of all the guys that are dating ex working girls I will guarantee that you will be in the very small percentage that will ever know this fact about them.

Take care and have a think you willing to let the potential love of your life go for this part of her past or do you maybe have a something in your past that you are not proud of that you would only ever admit to TWO people in your entire life.

Best of luck XXXX