Girlfriend used to be a prostitute <Mod Warning Post 1>

LegacyUser

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Taltos

Been going out with a girl about six months now, and everything's been great so far. We get on like a house on fire.

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.


This was well before we got together. She's been fully tested and everything's clear, so that's fine, and she's no intentions of returning to it.

I just can't help but think of her in a different way. The thought of it turns my stomach really. I know it's irrational. She's still the same person I fell for. But I'm not sure if I could go out with someone who's done that. Apparently I'm the second person she's ever told other than her best friend. I can't help but think what people would think if they ever found out. I'm kinda disgusted with myself really.

I honestly can't express how shocked I am. I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

P. Breathnach

Some thoughts, which I won't even try to organise into a coherent analysis:

• You say she is still the same person you fell for. There is a bit of a "yes and no" about that, because that element of her history is part of the person she is, and it's a part you didn't know when you feel for her.
• Her telling you was a huge thing for her. The obvious reason why she has done it is because you have become very important to her. She has decided to be totally honest about her past, and to trust you by giving you the wherewithal to ruin her life (imagine the effect if you told everybody about it).
• Do you know how serious her financial difficulty was? What I have in mind is trying to know if she did this because she was in a very difficult situation, or if she did it somewhat casually because it was an easy way to make money. It's a kind of "did she jump or was she pushed?" question. I don't know if the answer would make any difference to you.
• Did this happen in the area where she now lives? What I am thinking of is the possibility of encountering former clients, and the messy situations that might have to be dealt with.
• While I can understand your feeling revulsion, I think you should try to put aside the image of hookers you mention in your last paragraph. That's a stereotype, and you say she's not like that. I suspect that most prostitutes are not like your stereotype. That element of your difficulty is of your own making, and you have more important issues to consider.

Man, I don't envy you your problem: it's very difficult. I don't envy her, either: she has laid her life out before you, and is waiting to see what your response is.

Beruthiel

P. Breathnach wrote: »

[*]Her telling you was a huge thing for her. The obvious reason why she has done it is because you have become very important to her. She has decided to be totally honest about her past, and to trust you by giving you the wherewithal to ruin her life (imagine the effect if you told everybody about it).

Focus on this OP.
She need not have told you, you would never have known.
But, she clearly feels your relationship is serious and that she needs to be totally honest with you.
That says a lot about her character.

She did something in the past that she's probably not too proud of and it was due to desperation.
She hurt no one. (Except possibly herself)

It's in the past.
She has moved on from there.
Accept her for the person she was on the day you met her.

Peanut2011

OP,

I've seen above two replies that you have already got and they bring up very valid points. I know if I was in your position I really would not handle the situation as well as you seem to be.

You are thorn on what to do, where I know I would have told here there and than it was done and would walk away, not saying you should. The real question is can you still look at her the same way you did when you did not know this? Can you ever be as close to her again? I know I could not.

I know Beruthiel mentioned that she did not have to tell you this and that you may never have known about this and it does speak volumes about her, however at the same time maybe she was afraid you would find out and decided to be honest with you out of respect.

I guess if you look at it from another point, if she told you that when she was younger she used to do ONS very frequently, would you have the same problem or would that have been more acceptable to you or do you have an issue with the fact it was for money?

I really hope you do what is best for you and wish you the very best with what ever you decide. I do feel sorry that such a dilemma is before you and I know if that was me I would have walked away. I know I would never be able to put that behind me and go back to how things used to be.

aidan24326

Classclown wrote: »

A few days ago she admitted that when she was in college 2 years ago, she got into financial difficulty, and took a job working in a brothel, where she would sleep with up to 10 guys a night.

This can't have been easy for her to tell you. If you're only the second person she's ever told that shows she has a lot of respect for you. I wouldn't underestimate the importance of that.

This completely shocked me. You wouldn't think it at all from her personality. She's so gentle and intellegent, from a good family background, and she's currently in a working in a very professional and respected job.

I can understand you being a bit shocked but you seem to be totally stereotyping prostitution. Why couldn't a prostitute be gentle and intelligent and from a good family like anyone else? You just met one, thus disproving your own stereotype. You seem to have this image of the drugged-up slag standing down by the docks, tugging guys off for a tenner, but that's not the environemnt your gf was working in.

I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that. I'm really torn.

There you go again. She's nothing like this 'image in your head'. Regardless of what stereotypes you have swimming around in your head why not treat her as a person first and foremost, an individual who trusted you and cared about you enough to share a difficult part of her past with you. Why be so judgemental?

She did it, it's in her past, and if you cared enough about her you'd be prepared to leave it there. If you're not prepared to do that then let her go and find somebody a little more open-minded and less judgemental.

Ellsbells

aidan24326 wrote: »

less judgemental.

YOU are being extremely judgemental of the OP. Most people do not knowingly come in to contact with prostitutes on a daily basis and our knowledge is based on what is portrayed in the media which backs up the OP's views on prostitutes.

You are not helping by telling him to let her meet someone less judgemental as this is not what he asked.

OP this is a deal breaker for most but what do you think? Can you get over it? The details arent important IMHO and its more important how she treated pervious boyfriends etc than the details of her 'working' life.

I could never do it but maybe her circumstances were so severe that she had to.... If she is from such a good family, i dont know how that can happen? Did she have a drug habit? If not, why could she not approach her family?

Merkin

Beruthiel wrote: »

Focus on this OP.
She need not have told you, you would never have known.
But, she clearly feels your relationship is serious and that she needs to be totally honest with you.
That says a lot about her character.

I agree but making a living by having sex with 10 different men a night also says a lot about her character don't you think?

And I don't agree that she is still the person that the OP fell for as he now knows something of such magnitude and significance about her that we would be naive in the extreme to think that her admission wouldn't alter things and the way he now views her.

I think P Breathnach raises some excellent points in regard to her actual financial circumstances at the time and whether she is currently living in the same area as the brothel she worked in.

I don't envy your position. I'd like to think I'm as open minded and "left" as they come but if it were me I'd have difficulty putting it aside and carrying on as normal as her past would always be there lurking in the background. I guess it all boils down to how you feel about her. You're seeing her six months, are you in that deep or feel that walking away at this juncture would be an easy call to me make?

aidan24326

Ellsbells wrote: »

YOU are being extremely judgemental of the OP. Most people do not knowingly come in to contact with prostitutes on a daily basis and our knowledge is based on what is portrayed in the media which backs up the OP's views on prostitutes.

Nor do I come into contact with them every day either. That's not the point. I was suggesting he treat her as a human being first, former prostitute second. That would be a good place to start I think, rather than letting his head run away with all kinds of thoughts about what a former prostitute must be like or should be like.

I could never do it but maybe her circumstances were so severe that she had to.... If she is from such a good family, i dont know how that can happen? Did she have a drug habit? If not, why could she not approach her family?

It does seem like a drastic decision to take even if she was financially struggling in College. I'd want to be getting to the bottom of that a bit more for sure.

I don't think the OP is too bothered why she did it though.

Ellsbells

Yea it's a very big leap if you are just struggling for money as a student...

10 men per night would be approx 500 per night. How big could the debt /arrears be that she needed to keep it up. Sounds like a drug habit to me.

Taltos

Ellsbells & aidan - please keep your replies on topic and constructive to the OP. Off topic guessing or discussions serve no-one and is classed as off topic and is a breach of our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

a fat guy

OP, you have my utmost sympathy, as this is the exact kind of situation that I would dread.

Call me shallow, but it's the not the job title that would get to me, it would be the amount of men in question... I see sex as more than just the physical pleasure, to such an extent that I would not engage in a relationship with someone who engages in casual sex at all, let alone beds ten men in a single night. I see it as something special, not to be thrown around for any reason.

We certainly do not know all the facts yet, so I really am just voicing out dumbly with this post. OP, have you talked to her since?

blatantrereg

It's not irrational to be repulsed by that. It's not unreasonable to be judgemental of someone who opts to be a prostitute.

I agree that people shouldn't be tied to their past if they have moved on from it. Like it has been said, she didn't harm others, and she did it before she met you. My personal attitude is that what a woman got up to sexually before I knew them is not my business really - and I pretty much dont want to know. However with this I think it is something she is right to have told you, and it shows honesty and trust on her part that she chose to do so.

There's no right or wrong answer here really. It's up to you to decide whether you're ok with it or not. I would push out thoughts of "what would people think" out of your head as much as you can. It's not good to be influenced by that in matters like this. It's not irrational to change your mind about her when she reveals something that is so much different to who you think she is.

Personally my problem would be wanting information to try to understand, while simulataneously not wanting to hear or think about it at all.

JustAThought

blatantrereg wrote: »

It's not irrational to be repulsed by that. It's not unreasonable to be judgemental of someone who opts to be a prostitute.

I agree that people shouldn't be tied to their past if they have moved on from it. Like it has been said, she didn't harm others, and she did it before she met you. My personal attitude is that what a woman got up to sexually before I knew them is not my business really - and I pretty much dont want to know. However with this I think it is something she is right to have told you, and it shows honesty and trust on her part that she chose to do so.

There's no right or wrong answer here really. It's up to you to decide whether you're ok with it or not. I would push out thoughts of "what would people think" out of your head as much as you can. It's not good to be influenced by that in matters like this. It's not irrational to change your mind about her when she reveals something that is so much different to who you think she is.

Personally my problem would be wanting information to try to understand, while simulataneously not wanting to hear or think about it at all.

There are some very mature, considered, compassionate replies on this thread . I am impressed by peoples kindness & humanity & ability to love and work through difficulties & problems to give a person in difficulty a break.

So I'm trying to bring my response up to this level but Even at this I'm falling short.

OP, I am really sorry for this situation that you find yourself in . You seem like a good person & to love your GF & nobody wants in a simple relationship to have this to have to deal with.

For me , & I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, I would be asking her to know what the situation was. I would need to understand what the crisis had been to understand her reaction to it that lead her to this extremist response. There are a lot of organisations & crisis organisations that that help people in difficulty let alone banks, credit card companies, credit unions, parents, relations, friends, social welfare, EHB, St Vincent De Paul, focus Ireland, Sophia,S.Army etc. I would be needing to understand what drove her to this decision so that I could evaluate on a level I understood . Because I would be questioning the morals & way of thinking of someone who decided to work as a prostitute if was was for basic cash-flow . There are other ways.
I would be seeing them in a different light because it would question their values, attitudes to what is acceptable & who they are in a most profound & basic way.

If my credit card is in hoc & I need 3k I forego the card & convenience & work out a payment plan. If I can't afford rent I move out, back home or with friends who will accept me because I'm a friend & desperate. Most companies will negotiate payment plans & charities like MABS will negotiate with them on your behalf to achieve a result.

I would need to know what exactly the money was for & why she selected this extremist solution. because I would feel that if it was fircinvenience or an quick fix option I would be asking would this value judgement come into play whenever there are hard decisions to be made in the future ; and I mean about otherissues & decisions; not just about whether if she needs the money or something, she will decide to sell herself for sex again.

Mighty_Mouse

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

JustAThought

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

10 men a night.
And the brothel " staff.
Stags.
And anybody else who looked at the " services"/
Or who may have been there on the night/Internet .

& How many nights / days.

There's a lot of people who already know.

You just don't know them.

Sappa

JustAThought wrote: »

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Be slow to let love go.
Life is short.
Forget about what other people may think should they find out.
All that matters here is how she makes you feel and whether you can find a way to come to terms with her past.
Don't under any circumstance tell anybody.

10 men a night.
And the brothel " staff.
Stags.
And anybody else who looked at the " services"/
Or who may have been there on the night/Internet .

& How many nights / days.

There's a lot of people who already know.

You just don't know them.

It is a secret world that she worked in,even if someone recognised her they wouldn't shout it about the place and she could of been at this in the UK,USA or Australia.
Op it's her past,is she at it now,no.
Give the girl a chance,she is doing good now we all mane mistakes and deserve a second chance.

LegacyUser

it wouldn't sit well with me one bit....even if i really liked her, it would be in the back of my head gnawing away at me forever. it would take an exceptional issue for me to move past it....like if she was forced into prostitution by others. that being said, you're not me.....but i know what i'd do if it happened to me.....

Zen65

Classclown wrote: »

I have such an image of hookers in my head, and she's nothing like that.

Your image of "hookers" is probably based on stereotypes, and is flawed. Prostitutes come from all walks of life, and there are all sorts of reasons why a person chooses that path. There are many decent prostitutes who, under other circumstances, would never dream of undertaking a life of paid sex. For some, casual sex with a stranger is more socially acceptable than admitting the need for money. (I'm not saying this is the case for your gf)

Conversely there are many men and women who lead lives of (what might be considered) hedonism and debauchery for many years, having multiple one-night-stands with no money changing hands. If your partner had led such a life in the past they may choose not to tell those stories, you might be none the wiser, or if you knew you may choose to view this as simply something from their past which was no longer relevant. The issue for you is that there was money involved, and depending on your view, this can be seen a either making her more or less honest or honourable in her dealings.

That it was only something she did two years ago, and you've been together six months, suggests that she worked in this role for a fairly short time. She seems (by your description) to have left that part of her life behind her whilst retaining her dignity, her social values, and her compassion.

So you can choose to see this as either a defect of character of such magnitude that you cannot forgive / accept her, or perhaps to see it as a period in her life when she had to compromise her values for a time in order to survive financially. Is it not possible that the experience has actually made her a more determined, better person? Only you can answer that for yourself. As other posters here have said, pay no attention to what "other people" might think. In truth there are aspects to all our lives that we are glad other people don't know about.

Be at peace,

Z

bouncebouncey

There seems to be a lot of 'oh it's in the past, let it go, what's done is done'.

The truth is you can react however you like to this. It's a completely parameter altering revelation in terms of your relationship. Your girlfriend slept with strangers for money and did so, I assume, for a while. Working in a brothel isn't something you do for a couple of days and then jack in.

Why she did it is part of the issue as well. However that she did it is also still huge.

Why did she do it? How much debt can you get into in college? It's €100-€150 per 'appointment' with a prostitute. Obviously longer costs more and so forth. So ten men a night x €100 = €1k. Lets say she only got to keep half that's €500 a night.

What kind of financial trouble was she in that she needed to make that much money a night? How did she build up such a massive debt that she felt she had no option but to become a prostitute to pay it off? I'm sorry to tell you that massive debts don't just appear out of the blue. They have to be accumulated. Most of us on here probably went to college. I did. I had no financial support from my family and it was tough. I didn't live beyond my means, though, and I wasn't forced into anything drastic. Neither are most people.

It doesn't add up for me. If she got into thousands and thousands of euro debt (with who exactly????) that she couldn't work out a payment plan for then you need to know who it was and how it happened. How long was she at this? She was earning a few grand a week if she was really with 10 men a night. How she accumulated that debt is definitely an issue. If she had a drug habit, alcohol addiction or a gambling problem etc.. it's a factor in who she is as people have to deal with that on an ongoing basis.

There is the chance that she did it because she was alright with sleeping with lots of different men (so that wasn't an issue) and it was a handy way to rake it in. Don't think that doesn't happen because it does. Unfortunately I know that for a fact.

No one can tell you how to feel. And however you feel is neither right nor wrong. It's just how you feel. Don't beat yourself up over it. There are no rules with these things. If you're not alright with your girlfriend being a former prostitute that's fine. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She has quite a few questions to answer IMO. You need to sit down and talk to her calmly and maturely about this. How (if?) she got into that much debt is a factor. If its something she did at the drop of a hat then that's a reflection on the type of character she is too.

There are more questions than answers after your opening post.

For the life of me I can't envisage a legitimate way that a student could accumulate thousands of euro of debt in a short space of time that couldn't be repaid via a plan to a bank or financial institution. How she got to feeling she simply had to become a prostitute I just can't work out.

ihsb

OP. I don't envy you.

You have to work out if she is worth changing your views for. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I personally would dump a man if I found out that he had slept with a prostitute. That is just the way that I feel about paying for sex.

You seem to have handled it quite well and obviously you have a very strong relationship if she felt that she could tell you this about her past.

If you are going to try to keep trying with her then I would suggest talking to her about it. You have to know that you can completely get over it. Otherwise you will hurt both you and her. Counselling might help you to accept and move on. But only do this if she is really worth it for you.

bazza1234

well i for one could not get past this. after all what is a girlfriend only a SPECIAL bond in an intimate sense. she has taken that away be sleeping with all these guys..
the only positive side i would take would be that she most likely wasnt kissing all these men. as far as i am aware, prostitutes are not permitted to kiss so that is the only specialness you can share with her.

so either walk away or kiss her now

Mr. Loverman

Are there things in your own past you are ashamed of?

Are there things in your own past which would freak her out if she knew?

Whatever you decide to do, try not to have double standards.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

A few people have said they don't envy you the position you're currently in. I'm sorry but I personally don't envy your girlfriend. She has laid her soul bare, spilled one of her deepest, darkest secrets to you and now has the nightmare of the possibility of you using that confidence against her and dumping her. This will probably confirm her worst fears, as well as making her feel ten times worse about her past. Which, don't forget, she has to live with, not you. It'll probably deter her from confiding in another guy ever again.

As for the posters who have speculated that she was on drugs? Ridiculous. If she had confided in the Op that she was with 10 men a night, then surely she would have confided in him re a drugs problem. And those who have speculated that she may have charged €100-€150 a man- well again that is purely speculative, nobody knows what she charged and for what services. Finally, I'd like to say that college can be extremely expensive, factor in registration fees, books, rent, food, etc. It's all very well to say she could have gone to the bank, to charity etc. For whatever reason, she obviously felt she couldn't do these things or didn't have any alternatives.

It's important to remember OP, that all of us have done things in our past that we're not proud of, some to greater extents than others. Maybe try talking to her (focusing less on the men she has slept with) and try listen to the reasons she had? You might feel a bit more empathy towards her. Would it be worse if she was out having casual sex? Remember, this was just a means to an end for her.

Best of luck

Mr. Loverman

I know a girl who did something similar. She was an illegal immigrant and her job opportunities were limited to poorly paid cleaning/maid work. She really didn't want to be a prostitute, but her logic was she can earn a weeks cleaning wage in one hour as a prostitute.

She did it on and off for a few years. She regrets it. But it got her through her situation and she is now college educated and building a normal life for herself. If you met her you would think she is a pleasant, normal person.

I think we should be able to move on from our "mistakes" from the past, assuming our mistakes weren't harmful to people. I know there are many different opinions on prostitution, but in my opinion both the male and female are agreeing to the transaction, so they are not doing something evil.

Your girlfriend obviously isn't proud of her past, but it's over now, and she wants to move on with her life. She thinks you might be the person she moves on with.

I think you should accept her past and forget about it. We all have histories.

Mr. Loverman

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Would it be worse if she was out having casual sex?

In a weird way I think it would be. Prostitutes always use condoms, whereas casual sex... let's just say there is a chlamydia epidemic for a reason.

(I don't have a problem with casual sex btw. I'm just saying casual sex is less likely to involve condoms).

fungun

Can imagine you are a bit taken aback.

First thing, Id take stock and do nothing suddenly. Let this new information sink in for a bit, and let your immediate feelings stabilise before making any decision.

I can see how someone who needed money could decide to do that instead of a job - its a lot more $/hr than a normal job. So it might make sense for her. But what it does say about her is that she was willing to sleep with guys for money - so she can see sex in that way. Wouldnt be a problem for me, but I could see how it might be for some people.
If I was in your position, I would be worried about the embarrassment of bumping into to someone who had once paid for her. That would be my only real concern, and that would be my problem really, however she probably feels much the same or even more! If you are in a serious relationship though you could very easily decide to move away to avoid this issue (I know couples who have moved for this type of reason before - he hated constantly seeing her exes in work)

If I were you Id comfort her for now, reassure here she was right to trust you. Ask for more information if you feel you need it. And sit tight for a bit!

sbsquarepants

Speaking personally OP, i couldn't get past that. I'd have to walk away.
It's probably a huge double standard, but i actually have no problem with what she done, live and let live and all that, but that's for theoretical people - i'm happy for them to do whatever they want without me judging them - but for a girlfriend/wife possibly the mother of your children?? Sleeping with 10 blokes a night is fine for mystery woman x, fair play to her, sleep with 20 for all i care - but absolutely not for my girlfriend. Yes, it is a double a standard, but so be it, i couldn't rest easy knowing that, i'd have to call it a day.

saiint

i know how you feel OP
i had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago
although she wasnt a prostitute she was just easy

she told me outstraight after 6 months of dating she slept with over 200 men

i couldnt believe it
felt pure sick to the stomach

my current gf slept with 6 before me and i dont mind that at all because its her past and i have my own past

but 200 and not even a prostitute she just liked sex with different men

been honest i couldnt get past that, over 200 just made me sick

before some judgement comes my way
i wasnt sick that she slept with 200 men, I was sick because she was so lovely, smart , kind person and couldnt think of her giving herself away like that so easy

i didnt get over it and still cant, she understood and were still friends to this day but

everyone is different OP can you get over it? can you look past it? if you cant it does not make you a bad person it means your normal


its very hard to describe the feeling, its like they cheated on you before you met them, but thats life sadly


wish you all the best OP with what ever decision you make

i just couldnt help it, i even knew 2 of the people she slept with which made it the deal breaker for me

Sappa

It's in the past leave it there

Emme

OP, try not to judge her, this must all be extremely difficult for her. There is an excellent blog by an ex-prostitute called "Secret Diary of a Dublin Call Girl". If you read it you might be more understanding of your girlfriend's situation. It's an articulate and often sad account of a girl who got dragged into an underworld when she was young and vulnerable.

Remember, prostitution would not exist unless there was a demand for it. If you cannot deal with what your girlfriend has done in the past then maybe you're not the right person for her. She needs to be with somebody caring, understandable and non-judgemental because she may be traumatised from the work she did in the past.

I take it that you are both relatively young. More older men than care to admit it have been with a prostitute or a lap dancer. Indeed, men can be incredibly hypocritical when it comes to women who sell sex - be it as prostitutes, lap dancers or in porn. They will happily consume the product but often don't see the women as human.

Your girlfriend is trying to move on from her past and deserves a second chance with somebody who cares for her and won't judge her.

Mr. Loverman

This thread has got me thinking about all sorts of things.

We are human and we all **** up some of the time. None of us are perfect nor should we strive to be perfect. Making mistakes and being a dope every now and then is normal.

I also think fretting over the past is a waste of energy. To quote Thomas Carlyle: Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at the hand.. You know your girlfriend is healthy, you know she is a kind and good person, so forget about the past and live in the present.