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The one who got away? Do you have one?

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  • 25-07-2012 12:51am
    #1
    katti
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭


    Hi Guys, I'm a long time lurker, and now a member... Yay me!!
    Just wondering if anybody else has a story of their one that got away....
    Here's mine.
    I'm working in a bar for the past ten years, and in a long term relationship the last six.. The first few weeks in this job I met a guy, he lives abroad but visits his parents here once a year, we hit it off.. And over the course of the next few years we'd meet up for a drink and a meal and a good old natter. Got on like a house on fire and massive attraction there but timing was always wrong, he'd be in a relationship/Id be in a reltionship or we'd both be in relationships... Once we managed to be between relationships and had a faboulous week together... It was perfect, we couldn't run out of things to talk about and the sex was incredible... but was never to last. He went back to his real life, and I continued with mine.. Weve always kept in sporadic contact via email. Shortly after I met my current boyfriend and he met his current girlfriend.. We're now both with our partners 6 years.
    He still continues to visit his parents once a year and we still do the dinner/drink thing tho obviously nothing more. I'm lucky that my boyfriend who knows our history and now knows him, hasn't an issue with this.. He has no reason to I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with him. I love him.. But still... Small twinge of regret for the one who got away.... Anybody else have these twinges? Stories?


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    #2
    gara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭gara


    True love doesn't get away because it's not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without -if you both truly loved each other, you'd make it happen


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    #3
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,106 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    I dunno gara, while "love conquers all" is a wonderful idea and for some it does, I don't think it comes close to being a rule. Certainly I've known couples who did love each other(in some cases still do), but circumstances conspired against them. The grim, even boring realities of life can get in the way.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #4
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I dunno. I think it's a destructive thought pattern to be honest.

    More often than not in my life, the 'one that got away' has really just been an excuse for me to be emotionally lazy and procrastinate on moving on and opening myself up to someone else in the same way. Probably a self-protective way of saying, 'well, that hurt...I won't be doing that again' and donning some rose-tinted glasses in terms of what I perceive to have lost.

    Not to belittle any of the relationships I've had - they've all served their purpose, they all changed me in some way.

    But experience has taught me that it takes a hell of a lot more than that 'spark' and that lightning bolt you get with a select few people, to truly share your life with someone. There's a lot of legwork involved as well as a lot of luck in terms of timing and life circumstances.

    Painfully easy to mistake that bolt for something completely unique and irreplaceable though. I guess that's the nature of chemistry.


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    #5
    analucija
    Closed Accounts Posts: 363 ✭✭analucija


    I'm not saying it's always the case but the "one that got away" is very often the one that got away quickly enough so we don't get over the initial stage of infatuation into more stable and realistic relationship. But then again, I'd be absolutely devastated if I'd loose my partner. So maybe he is my "the one that didn't get away". :D


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    #6
    Acoshla
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,729 ✭✭✭Acoshla


    No, but I have one that I wish I had made go away a lot sooner, like about 2 years into wasted time rather than 4!


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    #7
    Greenduck
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Greenduck


    Absolutely! I still think of him often and talk to him often as well!

    He was my first boyfriend and we went out for about a year when we were teenagers. I got terrified as I was so young and broke his heart. Over the years we have kept in touch and everytime I see him, its all fireworks and chemistry. Over that space in time either he has been going out with someone or I have been going out with someone...bit of a Ross and Rachel scenario!

    It's actually really frustrating but its the way life played out for us. I still keep a little bit of my heart for him in the hope we might finally get our timing right some day. :). I'm glad I have him as a friend rather than nothing at all.


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    #8
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Very easy to look back at a past relationship and only remember the good things, hence leaving yourself thinking that you let one "get away".


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    #9
    Caribbean Cat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 55 ✭✭Caribbean Cat


    Yes.We both still love each other but he wants children and I don't.Then he hurt me horribly so we can never repair things.He always says I'm his one that got away and now that my anger has subsided I know he is mine.I adore him but my life is now one without him.


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    #10
    saa
    Registered Users Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭saa


    Yeah we met both in our teens, me mid him late teens so we stayed friends, when I was 19 we still had so much chemistry but I got into a relationship with someone else because he never seemed to make a move and I thought he would always be around because we were such good friends. Bit of a Ross and Rachael situation..


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    #11
    gara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭gara


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I dunno gara, while "love conquers all" is a wonderful idea and for some it does, I don't think it comes close to being a rule. Certainly I've known couples who did love each other(in some cases still do), but circumstances conspired against them. The grim, even boring realities of life can get in the way.

    If boring realities stop you from being with someone you love, I'd be inclined to argue that it's not a very substantial love or indeed love at all -love is usually a powerful driving force Wibbs, almost a compulsion, which is why it causes people to do all sorts of crazy things. Boring realities exist for everyone and aren't really a valid excuse for not making an effort.

    Perhaps the real boring reality is just that those people just didn't care enough to make things happen together but prefer to romanticise that life 'conspired against them' Jane Austen stylee. The most loved up people I know embrace boring realities together every day because this is real life and boring realities are an intrinsic part of that and certainly not something that true love shies away from


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    #12
    Fluorescence
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    gara wrote: »
    If boring realities stop you from being with someone you love, I'd be inclined to argue it's not a very substantial love or indeed love at all -love is usually a powerful driving force Wibbs, almost a compulsion, which is why it causes people to do all sorts of crazy things -what mundanities conspired so strongly to prevent these couples from being together?

    What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.


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    #13
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Fluorescence wrote: »
    What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.

    True but that's hardly a 'boring reality' of life. It's a pretty fundamental wish/value for your life whether to be a parent or not.

    I don't have a one that got away, but I imagine that had I not met my current partner, I would be thinking of my previous partner in those terms.


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    #14
    gara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭gara


    Fluorescence wrote: »
    What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.

    That's an interesting point because I know 2 people who had decided that children were absolutely not for them -until they met their current partners and are now the proud parents of 2 kids each. Similarly, my former boyfriend who has divorced parents and was always staunchly anti-marriage, shocked me when he decided midway through our relationship that he very firmly wanted us to get married.

    I guess this is precisely my point -that love often compels people to do things they never thought they would


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    #15
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hmmm - I'd be wary of falling into the true Scotsman fallacy when it comes to anything but especially a concept like "love".

    Love for a partner is conditional and it isn't static - add that to the number of potential matches we could have, boundaries, expectations and hopes we all have being smooshed together with another persons and I think it's obvious life is a little more complicated that "real" love will out.

    I don't have one that got away - just a couple I threw out...but I certainly am close to people who were unable to give a relationship that might have gone the distance the time/commitment it needed to survive at the relevant point in time.


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    #16
    puffishoes
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 690 ✭✭✭puffishoes


    gara wrote: »

    I guess this is precisely my point -that love often compels people to do things they never thought they would

    Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

    Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.


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    #17
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    puffishoes wrote: »
    Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

    Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

    I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say


    some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.


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    #18
    gara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭gara


    bluewolf wrote: »
    I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say. some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.

    That's a little self-righteous, I think what the poster meant was that none of us really know what's around the corner, that's all


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    #19
    puffishoes
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 690 ✭✭✭puffishoes


    bluewolf wrote: »
    I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say


    some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.

    What has it got to do with being helpful? I'm stating an opinion on people who claim to know how they'll feel about a given situation in years to come when in fact they have no idea.

    I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm just stating I think it's a pretty stupid statment to make not just about kids about anything.


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    #20
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    puffishoes wrote: »
    What has it got to do with being helpful? I'm stating an opinion on people who claim to know how they'll feel about a given situation in years to come when in fact they have no idea.

    I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm just stating I think it's a pretty stupid statment to make not just about kids about anything.

    Having kids is a bit more of a life changing decision than what you're going to have for dinner
    so yes, it is quite reasonable for someone to decide they don't ever want children for any of their own reasons
    That's a little self-righteous, I think what the poster meant was that none of us really know what's around the corner, that's all
    No, but for some people it trumps everything, and to dismiss it with comments about dinner isn't nice


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    #21
    puffishoes
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 690 ✭✭✭puffishoes


    bluewolf wrote: »
    Having kids is a bit more of a life changing decision than what you're going to have for dinner
    so yes, it is quite reasonable for someone to decide they don't ever want children for any of their own reasons

    You're going out of your way to find fault where there is none.

    you can't say today how you will feel about something next week, next month, next year regardless of how life changing it is.

    It doesn't matter of it's liking classical music a type of food or having kids. the point is you don't know. no idea. can't control. there for a pretty stupid thing to say.


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    #22
    gara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭gara


    bluewolf wrote: »
    No, but for some people it trumps everything, and to dismiss it with comments about dinner isn't nice

    I don't think puffishoes was dismissing it to be honest, just expressing their own opinion on the matter. I'm sure it wasn't meant to personally offend you, it's just an equally valid, different viewpoint on a divisive topic


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    #23
    JuliaJones
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭JuliaJones


    I have a one that got away, we were together for 11 years and loved each other deeply, sometimes there are things you just cannot overcome, for us it was the death of our baby, I have has other relationships but admittidly they have been half hearted on my behalf as I will always feel he is and was the love of my life, and got away as We couldnt overcome our circumstances


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    #24
    Caribbean Cat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 55 ✭✭Caribbean Cat


    I know for a fact I don't want children, I never hid the fact from my partner but he was hoping some amazing change would happen when I hit my thirties.No clock went off for me and he desperately wanted small people, so much so that anyone would have done.That was a very painful life lesson for me and we both know we are the one for each other but too much hurt happened that nothing can change our circumstances now.We both admitted that it will be the big life regret we will have on our death beds.
    And no man is going to make me change my mind about kids,I just don't like them:rolleyes:


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    #25
    puffishoes
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 690 ✭✭✭puffishoes


    Caribbean Cat wrote: »
    I know for a fact I don't want children, I never hid the fact from my partner but he was hoping some amazing change would happen when I hit my thirties.No clock went off for me and he desperately wanted small people, so much so that anyone would have done.That was a very painful life lesson for me and we both know we are the one for each other but too much hurt happened that nothing can change our circumstances now.We both admitted that it will be the big life regret we will have on our death beds.
    And no man is going to make me change my mind about kids,I just don't like them:rolleyes:

    If your response was to my post you clearly don't understand the point I was making. It has nothing to do with biological clocks/age/liking kids/someone forcing you to change your mind.

    Absoloutley people can be sure they don't like kids or don't want kids _now_. but they have no clue what so ever how they will feel about that in the future. Regardless if it's too "late" or not as people we're changing all the time. life events change us other people's life events change us, age changes us our surroundings change us the people we meet or don't meet change us. so we can only have an idea of what we do or don't want today.


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    #26
    Caribbean Cat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 55 ✭✭Caribbean Cat


    I do understand that and I know the point you are making,the only two things you are certain of in life are death and taxes.But for me personally,and it is because I am a monumental weirdo(what woman doesn't want children is the usual response I get) I have three certainties.But yes one doesn't know what's around the corner in life, but I'll make sure that certainly isn't.Thank God for modern medicine!


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    #27
    puffishoes
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 690 ✭✭✭puffishoes


    Caribbean Cat wrote: »
    I do understand that and I know the point you are making,the only two things you are certain of in life are death and taxes.But for me personally,and it is because I am a monumental weirdo(what woman doesn't want children is the usual response I get) I have three certainties.But yes one doesn't know what's around the corner in life, but I'll make sure that certainly isn't.Thank God for modern medicine!

    modern medicine won't stop you adopting, should you change your mind in the future. :)


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    #28
    Polloloca
    Closed Accounts Posts: 684 ✭✭✭Polloloca


    No, I don't think I have one that got away. I think everything happens for a reason, and breakups, while hard, will generally make you stronger.


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    #29
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I don't think I have a 'one that got away'. However I do sometimes think of guys I've met when I wasn't single, or guys I turned down when I was in college, and I wonder how my life would be different if I'd gone out with them. I even once met a guy on the 46A...


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    #30
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    There are a couple of people who probably consider themselves lucky to be the one who got away, from me that is


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    #31
    confusticated
    Registered Users Posts: 1,680 ✭✭✭confusticated


    puffishoes wrote: »
    Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

    Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

    Just curious, do you feel the same about people who say they definitely want kids?


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