The one who got away? Do you have one?

katti

Hi Guys, I'm a long time lurker, and now a member... Yay me!!
Just wondering if anybody else has a story of their one that got away....
Here's mine.
I'm working in a bar for the past ten years, and in a long term relationship the last six.. The first few weeks in this job I met a guy, he lives abroad but visits his parents here once a year, we hit it off.. And over the course of the next few years we'd meet up for a drink and a meal and a good old natter. Got on like a house on fire and massive attraction there but timing was always wrong, he'd be in a relationship/Id be in a reltionship or we'd both be in relationships... Once we managed to be between relationships and had a faboulous week together... It was perfect, we couldn't run out of things to talk about and the sex was incredible... but was never to last. He went back to his real life, and I continued with mine.. Weve always kept in sporadic contact via email. Shortly after I met my current boyfriend and he met his current girlfriend.. We're now both with our partners 6 years.
He still continues to visit his parents once a year and we still do the dinner/drink thing tho obviously nothing more. I'm lucky that my boyfriend who knows our history and now knows him, hasn't an issue with this.. He has no reason to I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with him. I love him.. But still... Small twinge of regret for the one who got away.... Anybody else have these twinges? Stories?

gara

True love doesn't get away because it's not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without -if you both truly loved each other, you'd make it happen

Wibbs

I dunno gara, while "love conquers all" is a wonderful idea and for some it does, I don't think it comes close to being a rule. Certainly I've known couples who did love each other(in some cases still do), but circumstances conspired against them. The grim, even boring realities of life can get in the way.

beks101

I dunno. I think it's a destructive thought pattern to be honest.

More often than not in my life, the 'one that got away' has really just been an excuse for me to be emotionally lazy and procrastinate on moving on and opening myself up to someone else in the same way. Probably a self-protective way of saying, 'well, that hurt...I won't be doing that again' and donning some rose-tinted glasses in terms of what I perceive to have lost.

Not to belittle any of the relationships I've had - they've all served their purpose, they all changed me in some way.

But experience has taught me that it takes a hell of a lot more than that 'spark' and that lightning bolt you get with a select few people, to truly share your life with someone. There's a lot of legwork involved as well as a lot of luck in terms of timing and life circumstances.

Painfully easy to mistake that bolt for something completely unique and irreplaceable though. I guess that's the nature of chemistry.

analucija

I'm not saying it's always the case but the "one that got away" is very often the one that got away quickly enough so we don't get over the initial stage of infatuation into more stable and realistic relationship. But then again, I'd be absolutely devastated if I'd loose my partner. So maybe he is my "the one that didn't get away".

Acoshla

No, but I have one that I wish I had made go away a lot sooner, like about 2 years into wasted time rather than 4!

Greenduck

Absolutely! I still think of him often and talk to him often as well!

He was my first boyfriend and we went out for about a year when we were teenagers. I got terrified as I was so young and broke his heart. Over the years we have kept in touch and everytime I see him, its all fireworks and chemistry. Over that space in time either he has been going out with someone or I have been going out with someone...bit of a Ross and Rachel scenario!

It's actually really frustrating but its the way life played out for us. I still keep a little bit of my heart for him in the hope we might finally get our timing right some day. . I'm glad I have him as a friend rather than nothing at all.

newport2

Very easy to look back at a past relationship and only remember the good things, hence leaving yourself thinking that you let one "get away".

Caribbean Cat

Yes.We both still love each other but he wants children and I don't.Then he hurt me horribly so we can never repair things.He always says I'm his one that got away and now that my anger has subsided I know he is mine.I adore him but my life is now one without him.

saa

Yeah we met both in our teens, me mid him late teens so we stayed friends, when I was 19 we still had so much chemistry but I got into a relationship with someone else because he never seemed to make a move and I thought he would always be around because we were such good friends. Bit of a Ross and Rachael situation..

gara

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno gara, while "love conquers all" is a wonderful idea and for some it does, I don't think it comes close to being a rule. Certainly I've known couples who did love each other(in some cases still do), but circumstances conspired against them. The grim, even boring realities of life can get in the way.

If boring realities stop you from being with someone you love, I'd be inclined to argue that it's not a very substantial love or indeed love at all -love is usually a powerful driving force Wibbs, almost a compulsion, which is why it causes people to do all sorts of crazy things. Boring realities exist for everyone and aren't really a valid excuse for not making an effort.

Perhaps the real boring reality is just that those people just didn't care enough to make things happen together but prefer to romanticise that life 'conspired against them' Jane Austen stylee. The most loved up people I know embrace boring realities together every day because this is real life and boring realities are an intrinsic part of that and certainly not something that true love shies away from

Fluorescence

gara wrote: »

If boring realities stop you from being with someone you love, I'd be inclined to argue it's not a very substantial love or indeed love at all -love is usually a powerful driving force Wibbs, almost a compulsion, which is why it causes people to do all sorts of crazy things -what mundanities conspired so strongly to prevent these couples from being together?

What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.

Kooli

Fluorescence wrote: »

What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.

True but that's hardly a 'boring reality' of life. It's a pretty fundamental wish/value for your life whether to be a parent or not.

I don't have a one that got away, but I imagine that had I not met my current partner, I would be thinking of my previous partner in those terms.

gara

Fluorescence wrote: »

What about the example given above where one person wants children and the other absolutely doesn't? That is a relationship that can't work out, despite all the love in the world.

That's an interesting point because I know 2 people who had decided that children were absolutely not for them -until they met their current partners and are now the proud parents of 2 kids each. Similarly, my former boyfriend who has divorced parents and was always staunchly anti-marriage, shocked me when he decided midway through our relationship that he very firmly wanted us to get married.

I guess this is precisely my point -that love often compels people to do things they never thought they would

Ickle Magoo

Hmmm - I'd be wary of falling into the true Scotsman fallacy when it comes to anything but especially a concept like "love".

Love for a partner is conditional and it isn't static - add that to the number of potential matches we could have, boundaries, expectations and hopes we all have being smooshed together with another persons and I think it's obvious life is a little more complicated that "real" love will out.

I don't have one that got away - just a couple I threw out...but I certainly am close to people who were unable to give a relationship that might have gone the distance the time/commitment it needed to survive at the relevant point in time.

puffishoes

gara wrote: »

I guess this is precisely my point -that love often compels people to do things they never thought they would

Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

puffishoes

puffishoes wrote: »

Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say


some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.

gara

bluewolf wrote: »

I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say. some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.

That's a little self-righteous, I think what the poster meant was that none of us really know what's around the corner, that's all

puffishoes

bluewolf wrote: »

I think that's a pretty condescending and very unhelpful generalising thing to say


some people want kids. some people don't but then change their minds. some people never do.

What has it got to do with being helpful? I'm stating an opinion on people who claim to know how they'll feel about a given situation in years to come when in fact they have no idea.

I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm just stating I think it's a pretty stupid statment to make not just about kids about anything.

puffishoes

puffishoes wrote: »

What has it got to do with being helpful? I'm stating an opinion on people who claim to know how they'll feel about a given situation in years to come when in fact they have no idea.

I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm just stating I think it's a pretty stupid statment to make not just about kids about anything.

Having kids is a bit more of a life changing decision than what you're going to have for dinner
so yes, it is quite reasonable for someone to decide they don't ever want children for any of their own reasons

That's a little self-righteous, I think what the poster meant was that none of us really know what's around the corner, that's all

No, but for some people it trumps everything, and to dismiss it with comments about dinner isn't nice

puffishoes

bluewolf wrote: »

Having kids is a bit more of a life changing decision than what you're going to have for dinner
so yes, it is quite reasonable for someone to decide they don't ever want children for any of their own reasons

You're going out of your way to find fault where there is none.

you can't say today how you will feel about something next week, next month, next year regardless of how life changing it is.

It doesn't matter of it's liking classical music a type of food or having kids. the point is you don't know. no idea. can't control. there for a pretty stupid thing to say.

gara

bluewolf wrote: »

No, but for some people it trumps everything, and to dismiss it with comments about dinner isn't nice

I don't think puffishoes was dismissing it to be honest, just expressing their own opinion on the matter. I'm sure it wasn't meant to personally offend you, it's just an equally valid, different viewpoint on a divisive topic

JuliaJones

I have a one that got away, we were together for 11 years and loved each other deeply, sometimes there are things you just cannot overcome, for us it was the death of our baby, I have has other relationships but admittidly they have been half hearted on my behalf as I will always feel he is and was the love of my life, and got away as We couldnt overcome our circumstances

Caribbean Cat

I know for a fact I don't want children, I never hid the fact from my partner but he was hoping some amazing change would happen when I hit my thirties.No clock went off for me and he desperately wanted small people, so much so that anyone would have done.That was a very painful life lesson for me and we both know we are the one for each other but too much hurt happened that nothing can change our circumstances now.We both admitted that it will be the big life regret we will have on our death beds.
And no man is going to make me change my mind about kids,I just don't like them:rolleyes:

puffishoes

Caribbean Cat wrote: »

I know for a fact I don't want children, I never hid the fact from my partner but he was hoping some amazing change would happen when I hit my thirties.No clock went off for me and he desperately wanted small people, so much so that anyone would have done.That was a very painful life lesson for me and we both know we are the one for each other but too much hurt happened that nothing can change our circumstances now.We both admitted that it will be the big life regret we will have on our death beds.
And no man is going to make me change my mind about kids,I just don't like them:rolleyes:

If your response was to my post you clearly don't understand the point I was making. It has nothing to do with biological clocks/age/liking kids/someone forcing you to change your mind.

Absoloutley people can be sure they don't like kids or don't want kids _now_. but they have no clue what so ever how they will feel about that in the future. Regardless if it's too "late" or not as people we're changing all the time. life events change us other people's life events change us, age changes us our surroundings change us the people we meet or don't meet change us. so we can only have an idea of what we do or don't want today.

Caribbean Cat

I do understand that and I know the point you are making,the only two things you are certain of in life are death and taxes.But for me personally,and it is because I am a monumental weirdo(what woman doesn't want children is the usual response I get) I have three certainties.But yes one doesn't know what's around the corner in life, but I'll make sure that certainly isn't.Thank God for modern medicine!

puffishoes

Caribbean Cat wrote: »

I do understand that and I know the point you are making,the only two things you are certain of in life are death and taxes.But for me personally,and it is because I am a monumental weirdo(what woman doesn't want children is the usual response I get) I have three certainties.But yes one doesn't know what's around the corner in life, but I'll make sure that certainly isn't.Thank God for modern medicine!

modern medicine won't stop you adopting, should you change your mind in the future.

Polloloca

No, I don't think I have one that got away. I think everything happens for a reason, and breakups, while hard, will generally make you stronger.

kylith

I don't think I have a 'one that got away'. However I do sometimes think of guys I've met when I wasn't single, or guys I turned down when I was in college, and I wonder how my life would be different if I'd gone out with them. I even once met a guy on the 46A...

BraziliaNZ

There are a couple of people who probably consider themselves lucky to be the one who got away, from me that is

confusticated

puffishoes wrote: »

Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

Just curious, do you feel the same about people who say they definitely want kids?

puffishoes

confusticated wrote: »

Just curious, do you feel the same about people who say they definitely want kids?

The answer to that is clearly stated in posts I've made in this thread all ready.

confusticated

puffishoes wrote: »

Yes, I know many of cases of this dead set against kids. Fell in love with the right person that they could see themselves having kids with and did.

Have to say personally I'm not fond of the "i don't want to have kids" ever. Amazing that people can say how they'll feel about a given situation in a few years time but don't know what they would fancy for dinner.

Well the last sentence would indicate yes, but to be fair the first bit, and every comment since then, has been about people who don't want kids changing their minds, never those who do, so no, I didn't think it was clearly stated.

puffishoes

confusticated wrote: »

Well the last sentence would indicate yes, but to be fair the first bit, and every comment since then, has been about people who don't want kids changing their minds, never those who do, so no, I didn't think it was clearly stated.

post 19

jessiejam

16 years ago we met in a club in cork he was on block release. He lived in Dublin I lived in Cork. He would come to Cork every weekend. I absolutely adored him. We would speak every night on the phone and send each other letters ( happy days). I was going to move to Dublin to be with him but there were a few weekends when he had to play soccer and couldn't come down. I was young and living it up in cork and I finished it because of the distance.

I still regret to this day not trying harder to make it work. I still think about him most days and still keep his number in my phone.

I know he now has a partner and a son, so there would never be a chance but I firmly believe he was the one that got away. I probably wouldn't feel the same if I saw him now.. It was 16 years ago...but would love to find out....

katti

Plenty of food for thought here guys.
I think my version of "the one who got away" may differ somewhat to others, I suppose everyone has their own version.
To me, it's someone I met whom I felt, and still feel could have become somebody very special in my life..But for timing, personal circumstances etc...

I never loved this guy, but feel if things were different I could have, and he me. Nor am I looking back with Rose tinted glasses because I know the time (albeit short) that we spent together was wonderful, we never had an opportunity to get into a relationship with normal up's and down's or everyday problems.

I am fully and deeply in love with my boyfriend and wouldn't change him or my relationship for all the tea in China, despite our occasional disagreements and troubles that come with a long term relationship.

I do however sometimes look back fondly and think of what might have been.

LegacyUser

The one who got away? Do you have one?
The majority of people would say that they had one that got away but some times the one that got away led to meeting the person you are now with.
I was thinking recently about the relationships I had in the past or the people I fancied but who did not fancy me.
One person I liked now looks years older then me. Another man I liked ended up being a lazy guy. Another guy married a girl with a good job so her income would keep his business going.
Meanwhile someone I know was due to get married to a guy who called it off. Within 2 years this guy left the house he shared in the middle of the night after running up a £2000 phone bill ring sex lines all over the world.
Some times you miss out on people for a reason and you might only find this out years later.

dellas1979

"Is the one who got away" theory though about someone who you deeply connected with, but something went wrong? That doesnt happen often, or if ever for some people.

I mean, we all (or most of us) have past relationships where we look back now and go "meh" and know now it wasnt right. At the time we would have been enthroiled in the heartbreak of it.

Is the "one that got away" more of a statement about regret than love? Because you can/could never know what could have happened.

barleybooley

There is one from a brief dalliance years ago and I don't know if it's a case of the one that got away as such but I do wonder what it would be like to start things up again now that I'm nearly a decade older. I see him a few times a year when I'm at home and still get a hint of a flutter At the time it was only a stupid teenage thing but I'm convinced it would be equally as exciting as it was back then.

I wonder how many of the posters actually are the ones that got away and don't even know it? "Better to have loved than lost than never to have loved at all" I suppose.

ash23

My one that got away is very innocent.

I was 15, going into 6th year in school.

At the row of houses behind my lived a family and their nephew from the UK came to stay and brought his friend, Darren.
One of the lads in my group of friends met them while fishing towards the end of their stay and for a couple of days before they went home, we all started hanging out together in a group.

After the first night Darren walked me home. I couldn't believe this 17 year old gorgeous, tall, tanned blonde walked me home!

We sat on my front wall and talked til dawn (how my mother didn't kill me I don't know!) and he went home as the sun was rising.
We bared our souls about our families (both of us had messy enough father issues) and just bonded.
The next night was their last night in Ireland. And he asked his friend to ask my friend would I "shift" him. I was so shy and mortified that I said no. Had he just kissed me I'd have kissed him back but the asking and getting people involved, it was just too much pressure for my very first kiss.

So we walked home again, said a long and lingering goodbye, hugged tightly and I never saw him again. How I still wish I had said yes!

Ellsbells

Yep we were madly in love for a few years as teens but he was moved away with work. It was pre mobile phones etc and eventually we broke up due to the distance. We stayed friends and met other people over the years. Sometimes it could be 2 years without contact but I remember that I always used to feel lonely after saying goodbye to him

Always adored him and then when we were both free, many years later, we reunited and are now married with a baby

I always knew he was my one that got away but I got him back

Merkin

Great story Ellsbells, I'm in a similar position. We were both mad about one another when I was in Uni (he had graduated and was a couple of years older) but I was a bit of a free spirit and had mischief to get up to and so did he. We never officially went out, just the occassional snog and lots of flirting. We lost touch and then a whole twelve years later I found him on Facebook and he told me that I was always the one he considered to have gotten away and that he thought of me often and regretted how we didn't pursue it. Met up again after all that time, love and lust at first sight for both of us. Six months later he proposed, six months after that we were married....soooo glad we're reunited I'd say to anyone with someone that they feel got away to go and look for them!!!

Ellsbells

I agree Merkin - sometimes you just know but it's not the right time.

Thumby

Ellsbells wrote: »

Yep we were madly in love for a few years as teens but he was moved away with work. It was pre mobile phones etc and eventually we broke up due to the distance. We stayed friends and met other people over the years. Sometimes it could be 2 years without contact but I remember that I always used to feel lonely after saying goodbye to him

Always adored him and then when we were both free, many years later, we reunited and are now married with a baby

I always knew he was my one that got away but I got him back

Jaysus Ellsbells, if i didn't know any better i'd say ya were me Met a guy years ago when i was 15 turnin sixteen, he was a lil bit older than me, we split up because of the pressure i was gettin at home and my parents controlling attitude at the time. Like you i'd run into himself every year and a half or so and we'd end up chatting for hours, but at those times we were both in a relationship. He added me on facebook about a year ago although we were never online at the same time so we only actually got chatting on there properly a few months ago, we went out for a "friendly" drink about week later and that was that, we were back together as if we'd never split up. And now we're expecting a babs in feb. Karma's idea of revenge for us not being careful when we were younger despite being careful this time lol.

Thumby

Merkin wrote: »

Great story Ellsbells, I'm in a similar position. We were both mad about one another when I was in Uni (he had graduated and was a couple of years older) but I was a bit of a free spirit and had mischief to get up to and so did he. We never officially went out, just the occassional snog and lots of flirting. We lost touch and then a whole twelve years later I found him on Facebook and he told me that I was always the one he considered to have gotten away and that he thought of me often and regretted how we didn't pursue it. Met up again after all that time, love and lust at first sight for both of us. Six months later he proposed, six months after that we were married....soooo glad we're reunited I'd say to anyone with someone that they feel got away to go and look for them!!!

Ya gotta love facebook

Mc Kenzie

I dont know you guys. 'the one that got away'...its exactly what it is. Iv been thinking about this and i also heard somewhere that if they were the right one they would of came back no matter how far.

Some things do really happen for reasons. So i dont really believe there is a "one that gets a way for anyone" just lessons and experiences that help us find the right one, along the way

thequieterone

ah, the one who got away. yes, i think everyone has one, whether it's that perfect guy from school days or fella who chatted u up one night but you had your eye elsewhere.
Most recent.. I was trying to be opposite of what i'm usually like with a guy and trying to Not scare him away so i wasnt ott with him and next thing he was gone and i'm convinced it was down to this . also he said it was himself.

Ellsbells

thequieterone wrote: »

.. I was trying to be opposite of what i'm usually like with a guy and trying to Not scare him away so i wasnt ott with him and next thing he was gone and i'm convinced it was down to this . also he said it was himself.

It doesn't pay to be someone you are not. It's not logical and can never work.

Thumby

In complete agreement with ya there ellsbells. I'd rather be myself and lose someone than have someone love my for who i'm not. At the end of the day one or the other will walk away anyway as the stress and strain of keeping up a pretence would ruin the relationship anyway.

Thumby

Me* not my.

thequieterone

i put that across wrong guys, i was completly myself, i seriously let my guard down with this one but rather than text loads like i usually would, i kept it calm and found myself grand with this but in end overall didnt work out.