The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

ladylost

Mental Mickey wrote: »

AT least you're actually chatting to people!!! I've sent messages/tried to chat with people, but got no replies

I've lost count of the messages I sent and got no reply. Pretty much anyone I'm chatting to contacted me first. Seems all the guys I think I would have something in common with or find attractive don't see the same in me :-(
Unfortunately that's the ups and downs of Internet dating.
You seem pretty fed up with it for weeks now. Maybe you should take a break for a few weeks. It may be coming across in your messages even though you intend it to?
Maybe I should take my own advice too

Napper Hawkins

To those of you who are currently thinking of giving up and packing it in......

Don't give up.

Roughly a year ago I took the advice of a friend and signed up to this shit.

I had recently become single after a long relationship so I was not really in a clear state of mind at all and desperate to fill the void of loneliness that I was no longer used to.
Looking back at how naive I was to the whole thing makes me cringe something awful when I think about it!

It's a cliché I know but a thick skin is what you're gonna need for it, the problem with that is your skin won't thicken until you've experienced a whole new world of crap that will make you wonder why you ever thought picking someone up on a night out was the harder option.

Be prepared for rejection, no replies, angry messages from nutcases who can't handle being ignored, fake profiles, teases, idiots who treat it like Facebook etc. I saw most of it.

But it's worth it, seriously it is. I met my girlfriend of 8 months on POF and she's the business. You can accuse me of bragging, don't give a flying pigs toss honestly.

You wanna know how long it took before I met her? How long I spent torturing myself with this bollox? All the ****ty dates (some good ones, to be fair, but mainly ****e) I suffered through?

6 months. 6 poxy months. That's how long it took, while Joe Howya had probably rode that many girls monthly by being a sleazy prat in a nightclub. But that wasn't what I was after, which made it all the more difficult and frustrating.

By the time I met her I was so utterly fed up and jaded with the whole thing that I really was on the cusp of giving up, then bang, all went better than expected.

I also want to say that this thread and the folks who look after it were f'in class to me and everyone else who were going through this ****e at the time, as I'm sure they were themselves. So.....cheers lads and lassies, ye know who you are!

It can work out, if you're prepared to stick it out and put in some hard work. You will get knocked back, ignored and in some cases insulted.
Word of advice?
Be nice, even to arseholes.

Don't get drunk and write stupid angry **** out of frustration (guilty:o)

and just don't take it that seriously. It's a head melt, but the rewards are class.

Good luck everyone!

Samich

6 months. 6 poxy months. That's how long it took,

Try 2 years

Napper Hawkins

Samich wrote: »

Try 2 years

I remember you alright, chief!

Still no joy? I dunno what to tell you, man, can only go on my own experiences of it all. I realise it's different for everyone.

It's a living nightmare for lads though, that's certainly true alright.

MarkyTheLips

Herrick wrote: »

Got chatting to really cute and friendly girl (practically my dream girl :P) on Sat night, spent the night and following morning messaging. She was sending lots of nice big long messages, seemed really really keen, I was thinking, may have a possible date here

Sent a reply last night. She was online and she was on for a bit today, nothing, think I've been blanked again

I know it hasn't been a day yet, but with my recent experiences of being blanked after I thought it was going well, I'm very cynical :cool:

Oh another thing... A girl I exchanged a few messages with earlier last week, stopped replying for three or four days but was online a lot (the chat option for her showed up on my inbox) started messaging me like crazy last night all interested. I'm not sure kinda fells like I may be a consolation prize cause it didn't work out with someone else?

What would you lot do? Feel the same and ignore or go with the flow and see what happens?

Hi Herrick .. I've always reckoned that some men/women treat POF as a guilty ego boost. They may have no intention of ever actually meeting someone but they like a quick fix of attention when things are going slow IRL. I've had some great dates (and one disaster :pac: ) from it but always been conscious that it's a bigger numbers game than IRL. The sheer amount of messages that women get on it compared to most guys is probably disproportionate, not counting the psychos licking virtual windows (VMware anyone?). You're obviously an engaging sort with a helping of sensitivity so stick to your guns and be confident in your dealings 'til you just click

To FINALLY answer your question, I'd try to be philosophical about it.. the only way a
man can be harmed by others is to allow his reaction to overpower him. Oh and another thing, sure it's just a bitta craic

Mental Mickey

Napper Hawkins wrote: »

I remember you alright, chief!

Still no joy? I dunno what to tell you, man, can only go on my own experiences of it all. I realise it's different for everyone.

It's a living nightmare for lads though, that's certainly true alright.

True

LoTwan

I met a guy last night. He can't kiss to save his life. Alas I cannot settle for a bad kisser so I'm back to sending first messages again.

Glad to see the new thread up & going.

I think I need to completely overhaul my profile

wobblyknees

So, we moved on from funny and friendly texting, to a few hours on the phone at the weekend. We are meeting at the weekend for dinner. She's different. I still like her. Keep watching this space.

Honey-ec

Have a date with a guy from POF next week. I deleted my profile two or three weeks ago but we had exchanged numbers before that and been texting back and forth a bit. He spends a lot of time in London and I've had a few weekends away in a row, but finally meeting up next week, so fingers crossed!

I've also had another guy who completely wasted my time on POF ask me to rejoin "just for him" loads of times. I'm like, fcuk off, A) you've already told me you've no intention of meeting anyone from it if you want to contact me you have my number and C) you're just annoying me at this stage anyway.

dub5

I am getting a bit fed up of POF too, think I need a break from it. But anyone that is thinking of deleting their profiles, I would recommend just "hiding your profile". At least if you decide to give POF another go, then you can just unhide it, rather than having to set up a new profile and filling in all those details etc again

Semele

Very promising date last week with a good-looking guy I got on well with and had loads in common with...until the end of the night when we discussed meeting up again and he informed me that if that were to happen he is "not prepared to share" so we would have to be exclusive, no matter how casual:eek: We did argue a bit over that, but mostly hypothetically and I was so thrown by it that the oddness of it didn't really sink in till the next day.

He was then so full-on with constant texting all week I told him last night that there was no way I'd consider someone I've met once an exclusive partner, to which I got a reply detailing his insecurity that I would be "seeing other people in secret"* if we didn't agree to exclusivity and that if I couldn't do that we should just stop it now.

Honestly! I actually really liked him before that and he seemed so confident and sorted. It's ironic that had he not said anything I would have happily stopped dating anyone else to give it a proper shot, but the whiff of controllingness put me right off.

*This was the bit that really got me! "In secret"?? I'm a total stranger. Everything about my life is effectively a secret from him at this point- its not like he has a right to know everything I do! Madness

Wink

Hey all, so I posted in the old thread about my lovely boyfriend whom I met on okcupid. Unfortunately said lovely boyfriend is now ex boyfriend

Was quite upset for a while but have had plenty of icecream, red wine & a good long chat with myself & am now on the road to recovery.

So I'm thinking that I'd like to start using okcupid again. I had deleted my account & have just signed up with a new username etc (new me!) but I really don't want my ex plus a few other scary types I went on dates with before I met my ex to see me. If I hide them, can they still see me? Can I block them if they haven't messaged me first?

Thanks guys

ladylost

Got a funny one last night. A guy that started messaging me the other night asked me if I had any other pictures as I look "under the weather" in the one he has!! I didn't send him a pick don't think and there isn't any showing on my profile. So I asked what pic it was and maybe that's just the way I look. He then said I look very grey in said pic!! Time move on me thinks!!

ladylost

Wink wrote: »

Hey all, so I posted in the old thread about my lovely boyfriend whom I met on okcupid. Unfortunately said lovely boyfriend is now ex boyfriend

Was quite upset for a while but have had plenty of icecream, red wine & a good long chat with myself & am now on the road to recovery.

So I'm thinking that I'd like to start using okcupid again. I had deleted my account & have just signed up with a new username etc (new me!) but I really don't want my ex plus a few other scary types I went on dates with before I met my ex to see me. If I hide them, can they still see me? Can I block them if they haven't messaged me first?

Thanks guys

Sorry to hear that Wink.
Hiding them means you don't see them but they still see you I think. Don't think you can block until they message

miec

So I'm back on the market after a few months! A bit hesitant to get back into online dating.. let's just say from reading our (hilarious) threads the people who have success are the very lucky and small minority!

So, from memory, I'd have to look through 30 or so profiles to find one I would really be interested in. This might take 10 minutes.

I'd take 10 minutes, on average to read a profile and write a nice message.
Total Time: 20 minutes

I would get a 15% response rate to messages.
Total Time: 130 minutes to get one reply

The bulk of the messages would lead nowhere they might fizzle out or we might not be compatible. Let's say I exchange 5 messages before it either ends or progresses to SMS.
Total Time: 180 minutes to get a good conversation

One in 5 might lead to a date.
Total Time: 900 minutes to get a date

I'm essentially spending 15 hours to get a date. I honestly do not think my calculations are far off. Out of all the dates I've been on from OD I ended up seeing one girl, who was lovely, for a short while but it was going nowhere. I honestly do not think it is worth the investment of time needed to get a return! I would be very curious to hear from my fellow boardsies how much time they have to put in to get a date! Maybe I'm too picky, but that's another thread

Excellent post. I have to agree that the effort and time versus the outcome in my case is not worth it. I also find that I am incredibly bored and frustrated with the OD thing. Having said that I do think my approach to OD sucks. I use crappy photos, my profile is either over eager or meh sounding. I think deep down I don't want someone and yet I do. I often see profiles and their uber confidence, look at me thing just puts me off and if I be very honest, I feel inferior (sad but true). If I do meet someone it usually just once, often we get on well but then I hear nothing despite them saying we will meet again. When I used to go out to the pub / club in real life I can at least make eye contact and know within nano seconds whether I fancy the look of a man and equally whether he likes the look of me. It is so much quicker in real life. All the searching through profiles, e-mailing, getting very little response or if I do it is a one liner or have a quick shag type mail is just boring at this stage. Yet I met my ex via OD and despite him being my ex, I am really glad of the experience and the great feelings I had when we were together (initially).

I think Napper Hawkins is right, don't give up but I think something has just gone inside of me now and I can't be bothered even though I feel lonely. I don't go out socially nowadays except for work functions and well that is work. I find singledom is at least safer even if it feels a bit grey and boring.

miec

Also what I find with OD is that the standard of intelligent, interesting conversation is fast becoming extinct. I get so bored of the:
'hey how's it going'
Me: 'fine. how are you' - at this point my insides are withering
Them: 'so what are you up to'
Me: 'not much, you' - inside my head is screaming I'm on fooking online you idiot, that is what I am doing.
Them: 'so do you have a pic...' - eventually I get so bored of these one liners that go nowhere and relate nothing to my profile or show any genuine interest in me as a human being (and subsequently find myself treating them in the same manner) I give up and log off.

If someone said which would you prefer; looks or brains, it would have to be brains every time.

Also whilst I am on my whinge fest, I wish people would read / respond to profiles. I do but there is a lack of civility online that depresses me. I realise that I find online life depressing because when I first started it in 2000 it was fun and exciting. I met guys who had interesting profiles and were interesting in real life - they even became long term relationships. I think it was where all the cool, intelligent and nerdy men were hanging out but now they have been squeezed out by the above.

Wink

ladylost wrote: »

Sorry to hear that Wink.
Hiding them means you don't see them but they still see you I think. Don't think you can block until they message

Thanks Ladylost, I had a google round & got two different answers on the okcupid help blogs. One saying they could see you if hidden & the other saying they couldn't. I suppose ex will have to deal with it & if the weirdy types get on to me I can block them then!

And even though ex is now ex, I still think he's awesome & that whoever gets him will be super lucky so there are great people on OD sites!

Out Of The Night

There appears to be a lot of people on okc looking for friends. Don't get that. It's a dating site!

PerrDub

My expieriences would be similar to a lot of people, having first dabbled in the world of online dating 10 years ago and had relationships from.

Though my recent expierience on POF and Smooch could not be more different.
A lot of the genuine one's have been driven away by the barrage of naked torso's and men's bit's as well as such requests as "Meet you in ** Hotel room 101 for a date"
If you are lucky to get chatting to a nice genuine girl it's only a matter of time before the above messages on the site become too much and the woman dissapears from the site never to return!
On the other hand the types I have messaged which do stick with it are of two kinds, those with little time or opportunities to meet people socially either due to the fact they have kid(s), busy jobs, or are just trying this "for a laugh" cos there friend set it up for them.

It's a shame that online dating in Ireland has gone this way, so much potential lost from the dizzying number of "dating" sites which enevitably have the same people on all of them.

miaowsky

Quite frankly I don't know what is worse, house hunting or relationship hunting!

So was supposed to have a date 2nite with a lovely guy but he hasn't responded to txt msgs and has deleted his profile from POF. Oh well, he's clearly not all that lovely if he doesn't reply to cancel grrr.

But check out what I did find today on some guys profile:

Your not that good looking dont flatter yourself, in fact if you took all the sh*t off your face youd be a bit of a monster, your only activity is drinking, you bore me, youve no sense of humor you CANT mingle. Your sh*t in bed you wouldnt know what fun was if it was forced down your throat. Your lame... go away. youd be doing well to prove otherwise. You think you can have me but its not that easy, you have to work hard to get this man. Im not arrogant only a little bit if your an ***hole your an ***hole simple as.

Oh and a bit of personality goes a long way... just a bit no pressure, wouldnt want you to suffer from a brain hemorrhage from having to think too much.

Isn't he charming

gixerfixer600

I've just happened upon this thread so I'll weigh in with my two cents on OD.

I got out of a very long termer about 6 months ago and found myself completely at a loss as to how to meet a genuine girl I could connect with. I work longish hours and the pub/club scene does little for me.

I gave my profile the old college try and I have found that this worked a treat. I've got good snaps with loads of info about me which make sit easy for someone to latch on to and strike up a conversation about. In fact I am often complimented on my profile and get those 5 star rating things.

I hear people say that they're disillusioned with the lack of response they get to their messages. I have to say that in the 2 months I was on the site I messaged about 12/13 girls and got a response from all bar one. I mostly got girls initiating exchanges.

From the outset I wouldn't message a girl unless I felt she was someone who was generally on my wavelength and that we would have decent stuf in common.

I found that after bantering for a few days securing dates was no problem. The "problem" I had was that when I met them I found that I just wasn't attracted to them. This is no refelction of the girls themselves as they were all great and I wouldn't have a bad word to say about any of them.

It's strange, but I thought that a connection of minds would translate to a connection in the real world. I really wanted for there to be a spark and a chemistry but there just wasn't. This might sound stupid, but I think I actually made a mistake in basing my decision to meet a girl on how well I was getting on with them online and how much we had in common. In actual fact, if I was to go back online I would concentrate on the girls who I was most physically attracted to. This may come across as shallow but I think that first and foremost there has to be attraction in the first place in order for a relationship to flourish.

I've come to learn that the spark or chemistry or whatever way you want to label it, is completely intangible, unquantifiable and elusive.

I subsequently met a girl in the real world and have hit it off. Based on her interests, hobbies and outlook, I would NEVER had sent a message to her had she had a web profile. Yet the spark is undeniable and goes to show that you can't base attraction off of a personality CV or profile.

Best of luck to everyone pursuing their online dating goals.

Mental Mickey

I honestly don't have a clue what to say in a message when/if I find someone who I'm attracted to on POF:rolleyes::o:confused:

KamiKazeKitten

Yo!

Random boardsie who found me on OKC and won't tell me your username here....

I know you're spying on me, qvit being such a chicken and tell me nao.

KTHXBAI.

googsy

Long time lurker of this thread... helped me in the do's and don'ts of online dating... so a belated thanks to all the posters in this thread !

I'm completely disillusioned with pof.... so much so I deleted my account this evening... may come back to it at a later stage but think I'm gonna take my chances in the real world for now... spent alot of time exchanging messages but when it was time to meet up there was just no connection...

Was a good experience though and has, in an unexpected sort of way, giving me some confidence back in myself... so I would recommend people to give it a shot anyway...

18AD

Mental Mickey wrote: »

I honestly don't have a clue what to say in a message when/if I find someone who I'm attracted to on POF:rolleyes::o:confused:

AD's top tips.

Don't mention psychoanalysis.
Don't mention emotional blackmail.



On the plus side. One compliment is usually well received. Ask about something on their profile and mention something about yourself that might have to do with that.

MarkyTheLips

KamiKazeKitten wrote: »

Yo!

Random boardsie who found me on OKC and won't tell me your username here....

I know you're spying on me, qvit being such a chicken and tell me nao.

KTHXBAI.

Are many people still on that?? Never had one date out of that site and my profile was WAY better than my POF one! Not that my POF one is bad ... Ahem I still have an active okc but it's a skeleton profile.. Would you recommend going back?

MarkyTheLips

18AD wrote: »

Mental Mickey wrote: »

I honestly don't have a clue what to say in a message when/if I find someone who I'm attracted to on POF:rolleyes::o:confused:

AD's top tips.

Don't mention psychoanalysis.
Don't mention emotional blackmail.



On the plus side. One compliment is usually well received. Ask about something on their profile and mention something about yourself that might have to do with that.

Totally agree with 18AD! Also be engaging, confident and be the sort of person YOU'D want to talk to. Not that I'm suggesting you aren't doing those things, just food for thought. Too many compliments are suicide.. Even if she deserves them :P

MarkyTheLips

miaowsky wrote: »

Quite frankly I don't know what is worse, house hunting or relationship hunting!

So was supposed to have a date 2nite with a lovely guy but he hasn't responded to txt msgs and has deleted his profile from POF. Oh well, he's clearly not all that lovely if he doesn't reply to cancel grrr.

But check out what I did find today on some guys profile:

Your not that good looking dont flatter yourself, in fact if you took all the sh*t off your face youd be a bit of a monster, your only activity is drinking, you bore me, youve no sense of humor you CANT mingle. Your sh*t in bed you wouldnt know what fun was if it was forced down your throat. Your lame... go away. youd be doing well to prove otherwise. You think you can have me but its not that easy, you have to work hard to get this man. Im not arrogant only a little bit if your an ***hole your an ***hole simple as.

Oh and a bit of personality goes a long way... just a bit no pressure, wouldnt want you to suffer from a brain hemorrhage from having to think too much.

Isn't he charming

why look at my profile and not send a message???? :pac:..

Owen

So yeah, I'm home from my date. And it was awesome. Sitting here smiling like a moron. And she's agreed to a second date, which is even more awesome again.

Ankhyu

It's a feast or a famine with me. No dates for the last couple of months, had one tonight, and looks like there could be another 2 soon at least.
Tonights guy was nice, but it doesn't seem like we have much in common, and I was doing most of the talking, which isn't really like me.

Also, yay the thread is back!