I Heard a Very Sad Story Tonight

was with my dad and his friend he was upset see he and his wife are getting old and they have a disabled son need consent care 24/7

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

this broke my heart because my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg since he was born i love him to bits some people say he be lost without me it the other way round sometimes

he told us some nights hed wide awake worring sometimes

so when the my dad friend and wife die i dread to think what will happen to the poor man

4 adults daughter ****ing hell

downwithpeace

I doubt this is anything new, sad yes but not everyone thinks family comes first.

Babybuff

yep. I keep an eye out for two uncles who my family haven't seen (or could be bothered with) in over a year. One is in a home and the other lives near me so I keep in touch with them and make sure they have someone to talk to. (most people think I'm a c*nt, truth is I know most other people are c*nts)

hatrickpatrick

People are d!cks.

laoch na mona

some people are *****

sunflower27

That is so sad that the parents, in their old age, are worrying about their youngest son while the four daughters they raised couldn't give a sh*t.

You are right OP, that is a very sad story

jluv

I have a brother who lives 7 miles from his disabled mother and hasn't called or been to see her in over 2 years! He's dead to me.Harsh but true:mad:

Battered Mars Bar

I know a sadder story but it isn't a competition and posting it to you lot doesn't appeal to me, no offence

Deus Ex Machina

Deleted User wrote: »

my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

People are d!cks.

Quite literally it seems.

girl in the striped socks

Years ago if someone was born with a disability the doctor would suggest putting that child into a home & going home to try for a "normal" baby. I know one woman this was suggested to about five years ago.
Realisticlly it takes an awful lot of work, patience, caring & genuine love to care for a disabled person.
I personally would find it impossible to ignore a person, especially a family member, just because they do things differently or need a bit of help. In fact I find the OP story quite disgusting.
If the daughters are not in a position to care full for their brother full time then the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist & help him in his home environment when the time comes that his parents are no longer in a position to do it.
No parent wants to outlive their child, but my heart goes out to parents who's child needs round the clock care & they don't know what will happen their child when they're gone.

jluv

Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

I know a sadder story but it isn't a competition and posting it to you lot doesn't appeal to me, no offence

No offence taken at all.Completely understand.Think it's heatbreaking tho. our elderly folk should have people worrying about them,not them having to lie awake worrying about who will take care of someone when they are gone. Sad..

Battered Mars Bar

jluv wrote: »

No offence taken at all.Completely understand.Think it's heatbreaking tho. our elderly folk should have people worrying about them,not them having to lie awake worrying about who will take care of someone when they are gone. Sad..

Hello
My comment is after yours and looks like I was having a go at you to me, that wasn't intentional, my apologies.

But yea very sad, very common though and similar things.

krudler

I was craving toast on the way home and got in to find I had no bread, and I was too lazy to go get some.

lifes just not fair.

spurious

I know it's a terrible situation for the parents, but do the adult daughters also have children?
In fairness, their first responsibility is to their own children.

For years in this country, it was taken as a given that an adult daughter (regardless of how many adult sons there were) ended up trapped looking after elderly parents or disabled siblings.

It's very easy for us all to say 'oh how terrible they are' but without knowing their circumstances, we can't comment.

If you had three or four children of your own, would you take on a disabled sibling too?

hairyprincess

I had an operation recently, someone who I thought would be there to even offer help was nowhere to be seen. Yet I have gone out of my way continually for them. It really shocked me. But then two people who I wouldn't have expected anything from have out done themselves.

That is a truly awful story OP, but undoubtedly not a unique one. Maybe suggest to this man that they approach their Public Health Nurse about sussing out some sort of care for their son. Do they get any home help at all?

ziggy23

Families are really ****ed up sometimes. They're the ones you think you can always rely on but sometimes you just can't. This blood is thicker than water bullsh1t is not always true:(:(

x_Ellie_x

Maybe the four adult daughters have kids of their own to look after? And due to the way things are at the moment they might not be able to financially support their disabled sibling either.

My best mate Jenny gets a lot of crap from her mother about her brother with down's syndrome. Her mam wants her to help take care of him but Jenny has four kids, a fifth one on the way, and she works part-time too. She has enough on her plate already and just can't help take care of him. And now her mam is going nuts because Jenny's planning to move out of Dublin because of her husband's job. What does her mam expect Jenny's husband to do? Just quit his job, never mind the wife and 5 kids he has to support?!

I think the government should do more to help families with disabled children, like provide free home help ect.

TheChizler

Do you know the family history? There's an awful lot of emotional issues when it comes to family members and disabilities, it's quite possible that they do care but aren't able to deal with it emotionally, it could be the only way they can cope with the reality of it. The most important person you need to care about is yourself, you can't help others if you don't help yourself.

My name is URL

That sort of shit really pisses me off. Plenty of people think in that sort of way these days though, with zero respect for anything that has gone before. I've known people that have disappeared after receiving an inheritance and left the bereaved to grow old and dependent on neighbors to survive, and ultimately place in care.

TeddyTedson

Deleted User wrote: »

was with my dad and his friend he was upset see he and his wife are getting old and they have a disabled son need consent care 24/7

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

this broke my heart because my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg since he was born i love him to bits some people say he be lost without me it the other way round sometimes

he told us some nights hed wide awake worring sometimes

so when the my dad friend and wife die i dread to think what will happen to the poor man

4 adults daughter ****ing hell

Well the daughters may change their outlook towards the situation with time, and the Dad could also be over thinking things here, who knows.

But yea, obviously that's sad, but they have no obligation to look after their brother and maybe he would be best in a care home after the parents are deceased if that's their attitude.

I know of a similar situation but the entire family help out and always have so it's not at all an issue or inconvenience. It's actually quite enjoyable for them believe it or not, I don't want to get into the specifics of it.

What is the disability out of interest if you don't mind? Is it mental or physical, both perhaps?

Sindri

People are very egocentric OP, particularly to people they are accustomed to.

Biggins

Have a sister like that.

I have a bother that is (from birth) physically and mentally effected badly.
We all care for him at times - except one sister that couldn't give a crap.
She is a nasty piece of work.

Needless to say, after many, many tries to let her see that she should care more, we had to sadly give up.
She is a stranger to us all now.

El Weirdo

I knew I shouldn't have clicked into this thread.

Dudess

spurious wrote: »

I know it's a terrible situation for the parents, but do the adult daughters also have children?
In fairness, their first responsibility is to their own children.

For years in this country, it was taken as a given that an adult daughter (regardless of how many adult sons there were) ended up trapped looking after elderly parents or disabled siblings.

It's very easy for us all to say 'oh how terrible they are' but without knowing their circumstances, we can't comment.

If you had three or four children of your own, would you take on a disabled sibling too?

There's a difference between too busy and not bothered. The OP says it's the latter. I know we only have their word for it, but if it's true it's poor form. Even if they can't find the time, what about organising a home help or something? No mention of them all having kids either, and three or four kids is unusual these days.

up for anything

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

Realisticlly it takes an awful lot of work, patience, caring & genuine love to care for a disabled person.
I personally would find it impossible to ignore a person, especially a family member, just because they do things differently or need a bit of help. In fact I find the OP story quite disgusting.
If the daughters are not in a position to care full for their brother full time then the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist & help him in his home environment when the time comes that his parents are no longer in a position to do it.

The first two statements are contradictory.

Secondly, he doesn't need a bit of help, he needs care 24/7. Have you any idea what that means?

Thirdly, you make it sound so easy, "the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist and help him in home environment" - do you have any idea how much that costs?

You really are living in cloud-cuckoo-land.

OP, here is a place your father's friend could start if he hasn't started looking at options yet.

http://www.foldireland.ie/

bb1234567

jluv wrote: »

I have a brother who lives 7 miles from his disabled mother and hasn't called or been to see her in over 2 years! He's dead to me.Harsh but true:mad:

God thats so sad, even worse than the OPs story:( its not harsh at all, he'd be dead to me too, hope your mothers doing ok...

gosuckonalemon

Babybuff wrote: »

yep. I keep an eye out for two uncles who my family haven't seen (or could be bothered with) in over a year. One is in a home and the other lives near me so I keep in touch with them and make sure they have someone to talk to. (most people think I'm a c*nt, truth is I know most other people are c*nts)

I bet you've spent the inheritance already!

Gentelman_dub

sunflower27 wrote: »

That is so sad that the parents, in their old age, are worrying about their youngest son while the four daughters they raised couldn't give a sh*t.

You are right OP, that is a very sad story

very sad indeed. Hope his good friends and good neighbors could help sometime.

Dudess

up for anything wrote: »

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

[COLOR="Red"]Realisticlly it takes an awful lot of work, patience, caring & genuine love to care for a disabled person. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Black"]I personally would find it impossible to ignore a person, especially a family member, just because they do things differently or need a bit of help. In fact I find the OP story quite disgusting. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Blue"]If the daughters are not in a position to care full for their brother full time then the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist & help him in his home environment when the time comes that his parents are no longer in a position to do it. [/COLOR]

The first two statements are contradictory.

Secondly, he doesn't need a bit of help, he needs care 24/7. Have you any idea what that means?

Thirdly, you make it sound so easy, "the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist and help him in home environment" - do you have any idea how much that costs?

You really are living in cloud-cuckoo-land.

OP, here is a place your father's friend could start if he hasn't started looking at options yet.

http://www.foldireland.ie/

Indeed it is expensive to pay for care, but what other option is there?

Daisy M

As I get older I realise a lot of situations are not as black and white as they appear. When my grandmother was alive my parents cared for her. They got no help from her other children literally none, but they did get help from their own children. They were very quick to point out the lack of help they received from the other family members but were extremely slow to mention the help that they did receive. If it was a case an event was on and they didnt want to go to they would say " we couldnt go sure there is noone to mind granny", but if it was something they wanted to go to and were asked how they managed they would over exaggerate how well and how many people were caring for granny.

I am not saying these people are lying or exaggerating but I would be slow to form an opinion unless I had a lot of contact with them and had a clearer picture of what was going on.

bb1234567

Well if I was one of the parents Id know exactly who wasnt goign to be in my will...Wouldnt give them a cent if they were my children, itd all go to my son so he can live in a nice home for the disabled with a good carer and try to give a good a life as possible.Heck Id give my inheritance to the cat or my neighbour sooner than I'd give it to those four very sad story indeed, could'nt ever imagine doing that to either my brother or sister...

clappyhappy

I know of a family where the mother has just died, she was mid 50's, had 4 kids, eldest is working in a different county but the younger 3 all have physical and mental disabilities, she is now giving up her job and moving home to mind them. She is in her early 20's, have total admiration for her but it must also be so hard for her as they need constant care. I hope she gets some help as she has a life to lead also. There are some very sad cases out there, and while there are some gobsh!tes who don't care, there are some truly wonderful people that give selfless of themselves.

jubella

I have a brother who is disabled and needs constant care. I help out as much as I can now as I'm still living at home. I know that when my parent's get old his care will become my responsibility. I'm only 21 now but I'm already thinking how on earth am I going to manage working and having a family of my own along with caring for him. My parents live apart and split their time caring for him, but I won't have that. I would never ever turn my back on him, but people need to realise that it's really really hard.

wtf is wrong you peoplel he has 4 sister and not one will help there ****ing 4 of them im 24 my brother disabled and yes i choose not to meet anyone or start a family to look after him im sure if it was the other way round he look after me

you do for family

jubella

Call me selfish, but starting a family is not something I could give up.

jubella

jubella wrote: »

Call me selfish, but starting a family is not something I could give up.

WELL it was my decession im sure he would of done it for me

jubella

Deleted User wrote: »

WELL it was my decession im sure he would of done it for me

And I think that's admirable. But I just wanted to make the point that not everybody could do that. I will (and do) give up a lot for my brother, but I could never give up a family. I'll work and raise a family and care for him, and it will be a huge struggle, but I'd rather that than no family.

And for those who already have families and are now being asked to care for a sibling... Obviously it's going to be a huge decision. Their families will suffer (Marriage, finances, attention to children etc.). So who comes first?

up for anything

Dudess wrote: »

Indeed it is expensive to pay for care, but what other option is there?

Luckily, not being in that situation myself I don't know and hope I never have to find out, but if all the sisters have their own lives and recession problems how are they going to find the money to pay for round the clock care for him? Not everybody is wealthy or even comfortable. Can you expect a sibling to give up everything for another sibling. Real life is not Walton's Mountain much as we'd all like it to be.

I've seen what my parents went through, and experienced it myself, caring for my grandmother for years and that was with family support and lots of in-family financial help and it wasn't until the last year she was with them that she needed actual hands on physical care. My aunt took over when my mother's health meant they couldn't keep her. It's not much fun getting up maybe ten times a night every night to see to someone and you don't even have the prospect, like you do with a baby, that in a few months she'd begin to sleep through. Yes, you can love the person but eventually you can get ground down, depressed and hopeless.

Maybe his sisters are being selfish but aren't we all told to keep something for ourselves. Even when you choose to have a baby, who is completely dependent on you, everyone will tell you to make sure you get some time to yourself, do something for yourself etc. It's altogether simpler to park your baby with someone for a few hours than it is find someone willing to take on the care of a completely dependent adult.

Battered Mars Bar

tajd wrote: »

wtf is wrong you peoplel he has 4 sister and not one will help there ****ing 4 of them im 24 my brother disabled and yes i choose not to meet anyone or start a family to look after him im sure if it was the other way round he look after me

you do for family

Less of the attitude now, you understand.

gerarda

Deleted User wrote: »

was with my dad and his friend he was upset see he and his wife are getting old and they have a disabled son need consent care 24/7

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

this broke my heart because my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg since he was born i love him to bits some people say he be lost without me it the other way round sometimes

he told us some nights hed wide awake worring sometimes

so when the my dad friend and wife die i dread to think what will happen to the poor man

4 adults daughter ****ing hell

Sometimes life has a way of turning things around. I had an uncle and an aunt (now both dead) who had no time for family members (there brothers and sisters, plus nieces and nephews). They totally lived for themselves in there own blissful little bull**it world in a house full of useless expensive china, paintings, ornaments etc. They also ate very rich food which led to there demise, she died first leaving him on his own. All of a sudden his in-laws (IE us) were constantly hounded to do stuff for him. That's when the competition started to see who would get what from his will when he eventually died a year later and people turned into a**ho***. I had no problem telling people what I thought of them when they turned into vultures when the will was read out.

goat2

there is also the other side of this story, the daughters side, i know a family where there were three daughters, and one son who was the youngest, he had a disability, and i remember they had to take a back seat all the time growing up due to the parents having to give their full attention to their son, and they had to do their bit for their brother while they were there, when the girls left and got on with life and had families of their own, i remember their brother always giving out about them,

it is very hard on all the family when there is one who has health issues, especially so when their parents become aged,

i say, dont blame the girls for not coming back more often, they have their own problems and with the way things are now it is harder,
you need to know both sides of the story

x_Ellie_x

jubella wrote: »

And for those who already have families and are now being asked to care for a sibling... Obviously it's going to be a huge decision. Their families will suffer (Marriage, finances, attention to children etc.). So who comes first?

I agree 100% with you. It's a lot to ask for. Sometimes you just have to put yourself and your own family first. My friend's brother John. He has downs. He's got the mind of a child and the body of a man. He has tantrums and can get violent and he's very strong. I can attest to that, he's attacked me twice. The first time I was a teenager and me, Jenny and a few other mates were in Jenny's getting ready to go out shopping to town and he wanted to come but we couldn't let him so he had a tantrum and he tried to strangle me. It took FOUR people to get him off me! The older he's gotten the more violent he's gotten. Jenny's had hundreds of black eyes, bruises and cuts and even a broken arm once over the years thanks to him. Now, Jenny's 7 months pregnant and has four young kids under the age of 8. She's afraid to let him near the kids because he loses his temper very easily and just starts hitting people until he gets his own way. Is Jenny supposed to put herself and her kids at risk? What if he hit's Jenny and she loses the baby or hits on of her kids and seriously hurts them?

And they're soon to be a 7 person household! Jenny isn't able to help pay for her brother's care. She can't effort too. She's only working part-time and she's planning on working right up till she gives birth because they need the money for their OWN family. She's going to have to give up the job when she has the baby because they plan to move out to the west.

do you for family nuff said im sure if i was disabled my brother would look after me i just know it he has a heart of gold

goat2

goat2 wrote: »

there is also the other side of this story, the daughters side, i know a family where there were three daughters, and one son who was the youngest, he had a disability, and i remember they had to take a back seat all the time growing up due to the parents having to give their full attention to their son, and they had to do their bit for their brother while they were there, when the girls left and got on with life and had families of their own, i remember their brother always giving out about them,

it is very hard on all the family when there is one who has health issues, especially so when their parents become aged,

i say, dont blame the girls for not coming back more often, they have their own problems and with the way things are now it is harder,
you need to know both sides of the story

thats horrible i couldnt imagine leaving my brother my older brother abanded him im not going to the same **** him :mad::mad::mad::mad:

i was seeing someone she wouldnt take me along with my little brother so i choose him my decession yes im sure he do the same for me

i cannot believe half the people in here :rolleyes:
hes your brother of sister

we help thoose you cannot look after ourselfves

Nothingbetter2d

Deleted User wrote: »

was with my dad and his friend he was upset see he and his wife are getting old and they have a disabled son need consent care 24/7

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

this broke my heart because my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg since he was born i love him to bits some people say he be lost without me it the other way round sometimes

he told us some nights hed wide awake worring sometimes

so when the my dad friend and wife die i dread to think what will happen to the poor man

4 adults daughter ****ing hell

if i was that guy i'd cut the bitches out of the will and leave everything in the will to be sold and the money used to pay for the disabled son's care

girl in the striped socks

up for anything wrote: »

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

[COLOR="Red"]Realisticlly it takes an awful lot of work, patience, caring & genuine love to care for a disabled person. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Black"]I personally would find it impossible to ignore a person, especially a family member, just because they do things differently or need a bit of help. In fact I find the OP story quite disgusting. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Blue"]If the daughters are not in a position to care full for their brother full time then the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist & help him in his home environment when the time comes that his parents are no longer in a position to do it. [/COLOR]

The first two statements are contradictory.

Secondly, he doesn't need a bit of help, he needs care 24/7. Have you any idea what that means?

Thirdly, you make it sound so easy, "the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist and help him in home environment" - do you have any idea how much that costs?

You really are living in cloud-cuckoo-land.

OP, here is a place your father's friend could start if he hasn't started looking at options yet.

http://www.foldireland.ie/

Yep unfortunately I do know what that situation is like. My nephew is severely disabled & if his parents die I'm appointed as his legal guardian.
Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to care for someone who isn't capable of feeding themselves, using a toilet, sitting upright, walking. Basic functions are non existent. And I only see a fraction of what needs to be done, I often drive away feeling completely useless even though his parents are thrilled with a few hours help & the fact that someone is willing to make a fuss over their child & treat him with respect. You would be amazed the amount of people that just don't rate him as a person because of his disability.
A certain amount of money can be looked for off the state to fund extra help. It probably wouldn't work out as very much in the grand scheme of things but it's something.
Also if I was the parent the op is referring to I'd make provisions in my will that any money left, including assets, would go towards the boys continuing care. If the sisters are not willing to help out then that's a reasonable solution. He needs it more than they do.

Anyway we could argue the ins & outs of it forever but it won't do any good really. At the end of the day all we have to go on is the ops account of what she was told. Maybe the daughters have a different story to tell. I just expressed the opinion that I personally would not be able to turn my back on someone who needs help.

Feeona

Deleted User wrote: »

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

You'd have to wonder why a father is giving out about his daughters to someone outside the family....they weren't even there to defend themselves!

girl in the striped socks

Feeona wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

You'd have to wonder why a father is giving out about his daughters to someone outside the family....they weren't even there to defend themselves!

Whether its true or not the man is probably under serious pressure & genuinely worried for his sons future.

Feeona

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

Whether its true or not the man is probably under serious pressure & genuinely worried for his sons future.

The daughters could be under pressure too if they have families themselves.

conorhal

Feeona wrote: »

The daughters could be under pressure too if they have families themselves.

Or they may not, there's not enough information in the OP to say either way. Still, there are four of them, would it kill them to give one day a week each to help out their elderly parents?

Feeona

conorhal wrote: »

Or they may not, there's not enough information in the OP to say either way. Still, there are four of them, would it kill them to give one day a week each to help out their elderly parents?

Maybe it would!. As you said yourself, we don't have all the information.