I Heard a Very Sad Story Tonight

I know of a family where the mother has just died, she was mid 50's, had 4 kids, eldest is working in a different county but the younger 3 all have physical and mental disabilities, she is now giving up her job and moving home to mind them. She is in her early 20's, have total admiration for her but it must also be so hard for her as they need constant care. I hope she gets some help as she has a life to lead also. There are some very sad cases out there, and while there are some gobsh!tes who don't care, there are some truly wonderful people that give selfless of themselves.

Dudess wrote: »

Indeed it is expensive to pay for care, but what other option is there?

Luckily, not being in that situation myself I don't know and hope I never have to find out, but if all the sisters have their own lives and recession problems how are they going to find the money to pay for round the clock care for him? Not everybody is wealthy or even comfortable. Can you expect a sibling to give up everything for another sibling. Real life is not Walton's Mountain much as we'd all like it to be.

I've seen what my parents went through, and experienced it myself, caring for my grandmother for years and that was with family support and lots of in-family financial help and it wasn't until the last year she was with them that she needed actual hands on physical care. My aunt took over when my mother's health meant they couldn't keep her. It's not much fun getting up maybe ten times a night every night to see to someone and you don't even have the prospect, like you do with a baby, that in a few months she'd begin to sleep through. Yes, you can love the person but eventually you can get ground down, depressed and hopeless.

Maybe his sisters are being selfish but aren't we all told to keep something for ourselves. Even when you choose to have a baby, who is completely dependent on you, everyone will tell you to make sure you get some time to yourself, do something for yourself etc. It's altogether simpler to park your baby with someone for a few hours than it is find someone willing to take on the care of a completely dependent adult.

Deleted User wrote: »

was with my dad and his friend he was upset see he and his wife are getting old and they have a disabled son need consent care 24/7

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

this broke my heart because my youngest brother is the same and is my 3rd leg since he was born i love him to bits some people say he be lost without me it the other way round sometimes

he told us some nights hed wide awake worring sometimes

so when the my dad friend and wife die i dread to think what will happen to the poor man

4 adults daughter ****ing hell

Sometimes life has a way of turning things around. I had an uncle and an aunt (now both dead) who had no time for family members (there brothers and sisters, plus nieces and nephews). They totally lived for themselves in there own blissful little bull**it world in a house full of useless expensive china, paintings, ornaments etc. They also ate very rich food which led to there demise, she died first leaving him on his own. All of a sudden his in-laws (IE us) were constantly hounded to do stuff for him. That's when the competition started to see who would get what from his will when he eventually died a year later and people turned into a**ho***. I had no problem telling people what I thought of them when they turned into vultures when the will was read out.

jubella wrote: »

And for those who already have families and are now being asked to care for a sibling... Obviously it's going to be a huge decision. Their families will suffer (Marriage, finances, attention to children etc.). So who comes first?

I agree 100% with you. It's a lot to ask for. Sometimes you just have to put yourself and your own family first. My friend's brother John. He has downs. He's got the mind of a child and the body of a man. He has tantrums and can get violent and he's very strong. I can attest to that, he's attacked me twice. The first time I was a teenager and me, Jenny and a few other mates were in Jenny's getting ready to go out shopping to town and he wanted to come but we couldn't let him so he had a tantrum and he tried to strangle me. It took FOUR people to get him off me! The older he's gotten the more violent he's gotten. Jenny's had hundreds of black eyes, bruises and cuts and even a broken arm once over the years thanks to him. Now, Jenny's 7 months pregnant and has four young kids under the age of 8. She's afraid to let him near the kids because he loses his temper very easily and just starts hitting people until he gets his own way. Is Jenny supposed to put herself and her kids at risk? What if he hit's Jenny and she loses the baby or hits on of her kids and seriously hurts them?

And they're soon to be a 7 person household! Jenny isn't able to help pay for her brother's care. She can't effort too. She's only working part-time and she's planning on working right up till she gives birth because they need the money for their OWN family. She's going to have to give up the job when she has the baby because they plan to move out to the west.

up for anything wrote: »

girl in the striped socks wrote: »

[COLOR="Red"]Realisticlly it takes an awful lot of work, patience, caring & genuine love to care for a disabled person. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Black"]I personally would find it impossible to ignore a person, especially a family member, just because they do things differently or need a bit of help. In fact I find the OP story quite disgusting. [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Blue"]If the daughters are not in a position to care full for their brother full time then the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist & help him in his home environment when the time comes that his parents are no longer in a position to do it. [/COLOR]

The first two statements are contradictory.

Secondly, he doesn't need a bit of help, he needs care 24/7. Have you any idea what that means?

Thirdly, you make it sound so easy, "the least they could do is employ proper carers to assist and help him in home environment" - do you have any idea how much that costs?

You really are living in cloud-cuckoo-land.

OP, here is a place your father's friend could start if he hasn't started looking at options yet.

http://www.foldireland.ie/

Yep unfortunately I do know what that situation is like. My nephew is severely disabled & if his parents die I'm appointed as his legal guardian.
Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to care for someone who isn't capable of feeding themselves, using a toilet, sitting upright, walking. Basic functions are non existent. And I only see a fraction of what needs to be done, I often drive away feeling completely useless even though his parents are thrilled with a few hours help & the fact that someone is willing to make a fuss over their child & treat him with respect. You would be amazed the amount of people that just don't rate him as a person because of his disability.
A certain amount of money can be looked for off the state to fund extra help. It probably wouldn't work out as very much in the grand scheme of things but it's something.
Also if I was the parent the op is referring to I'd make provisions in my will that any money left, including assets, would go towards the boys continuing care. If the sisters are not willing to help out then that's a reasonable solution. He needs it more than they do.

Anyway we could argue the ins & outs of it forever but it won't do any good really. At the end of the day all we have to go on is the ops account of what she was told. Maybe the daughters have a different story to tell. I just expressed the opinion that I personally would not be able to turn my back on someone who needs help.

Feeona wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

what i never knew was tonight he told me he had 4 adults daughters :eek: and not one would help out they do not even bother with there brother not one

You'd have to wonder why a father is giving out about his daughters to someone outside the family....they weren't even there to defend themselves!

Whether its true or not the man is probably under serious pressure & genuinely worried for his sons future.

Feeona wrote: »

The daughters could be under pressure too if they have families themselves.

Or they may not, there's not enough information in the OP to say either way. Still, there are four of them, would it kill them to give one day a week each to help out their elderly parents?

Feeona wrote: »

Maybe it would!. As you said yourself, we don't have all the information.

In which case I'm commenting on face value without making qualifying suppositions, which is the only basis I can comment.
Assuming that these are four sibling living the same everyday lives as the rest of us, and assuming that the carer is telling the truth. Their indifference seems selfish to me.

downwithpeace wrote: »

I doubt this is anything new, sad yes but not everyone thinks family comes first.

Family does come first.

But what if the daughters have married and now have families of their own?

She only planned on having three but the 3rd pregnancy turned out to be twins. And this current pregnancy was an accident. She got pregnant on the pill and wasn't very happy about it at first because the twins are still very young (they're a year and a half old now) but she's looking forward to it now. This baby going to be her first and probably only son.

Deleted User wrote: »

wtf is wrong you peoplel he has 4 sister and not one will help there ****ing 4 of them im 24 my brother disabled and yes i choose not to meet anyone or start a family to look after him im sure if it was the other way round he look after me

you do for family

A lot of people won't jump on a bandwagon to bitch about 4 people they don't know, based on second hand information you found out last night,and posted on the Internet.
Some people realise there are more than two sides to every story. Who knows what kind of relationship these girls have with their parents or their upbringing. Why jump to assumptions and judgements without knowing the full story.

goat2 wrote: »

maybe it may be like this,

i have 3 cousins in the one family, two girls, one boy, the girls went out in the world and got good jobs and lived their lives. the boy had a handicap he is the youngest, but while the mammy lived, he was treated like a baby all his life, his sisters did not like that being done as they saw the day coming that there would be no mother, so the girls kept out of it because it only caused problems if they decided to help, the mom was very protective,
but when their mother died, the girls took over the care of their brother, he was thirty when she died, and never let out of the home,
so the girls sent him to a st john of gods school where he learned to read and some skills,
one of the sisters has her own small business, and she has thought him to answer phone and take care of himself, he now helps her, and has a life,
where is before he was kept in a corner, never got out, never sent to where help was available for his own good,
now he has a life, he meet people and has come on leaps and bounds,
so the upshot of the problem could be that the girls in the family that you are speaking of, could have a whole different way of taking care of their brother, so they are leaving the parents do it their way while they are in the world, but when the day come they may take over the care of their brother, doing it their way, as my cousins did.

Fair play to them.
Delighted he's after improving his quality of life with a bit of help.
That story made me happy