Lame or embarrassing things you fapped to before you had internet porn

Ragnar Lothbrok

I had a VHS porno that I regularly used to abuse myself to! I had "cunningly" hidden it in the middle of a pile of tapes that were seldom if ever watched. I can still vividly recall some of the scenes in that tape.

That was all ruined when my sister's boyfriend at the time told me of an evening when my mum, dad, sister and her boyfriend were sat there with nothing much on TV, and my mum decided to look through the videos for something to watch. Obviously, the one she unwittingly chose was my "Special Video". She pressed the play button and was apparently confronted by a lovely close up of two women pleasuring each other in the bath!

She never mentioned it to me, but the sister's boyfriend got great mileage out of the story!

branie2

Your poor sister must have been morto

Ragnar Lothbrok

branie2 wrote: »

Your poor sister must have been morto

Yeah I'd say so. Not surprisingly, we have never discussed it!

ziedth

Shemale wrote: »

Last time I saw her she was on some celebrity weight loss thing with The Beast, she looked awful, she must have been 25 stone.

I just creeped her Instagram account. Happy to report she looks very well for a lady in her mid 30's who has had a few kids. I saw her at the time she was very over weight too easy thing to happen you'd imagine when the money for all the Bikini shoots dried up. She was my absolute go to girl at the time. Wouldn't be on my freebie list anymore sadly (Now i'd just have a go off Una Healy 5 times )

yellowpostit01

ziedth wrote: »

I just creeped her Instagram account. Happy to report she looks very well for a lady in her mid 30's who has had a few kids. I saw her at the time she was very over weight too easy thing to happen you'd imagine when the money for all the Bikini shoots dried up. She was my absolute go to girl at the time. Wouldn't be on my freebie list anymore sadly (Now i'd just have a go off Una Healy 5 times )

I checked her insta there . . .not bad at all- still worth a go!

fryup

Ragnar Lothbrok wrote: »

I had a VHS porno that I regularly used to abuse myself to! I had "cunningly" hidden it in the middle of a pile of tapes that were seldom if ever watched. I can still vividly recall some of the scenes in that tape.

That was all ruined when my sister's boyfriend at the time told me of an evening when my mum, dad, sister and her boyfriend were sat there with nothing much on TV, and my mum decided to look through the videos for something to watch. Obviously, the one she unwittingly chose was my "Special Video". She pressed the play button and was apparently confronted by a lovely close up of two women pleasuring each other in the bath!

She never mentioned it to me, but the sister's boyfriend got great mileage out of the story!

for heavens sakes man! why didn't you hide it in your bedroom or the garage?

and you call yourself a wanker? you're letting the side down

dusty bin

The ma had a shirley valentine video back in the day. Knew when to ffwd to and knew when to rewind when i had a free house. It was the only video we had with boobies. We did have the wicker man at one stage, but someone taped over it.

Also, an uncle had the guinness book of records 1984 edition (i'm nearly sure it was that year) where it had a picture of an athlete and you could see the bush through the see through shorts.

branie2

dusty bin wrote: »

The ma had a shirley valentine video back in the day. Knew when to ffwd to and knew when to rewind when i had a free house. It was the only video we had with boobies. We did have the wicker man at one stage, but someone taped over it.

Also, an uncle had the guinness book of records 1984 edition (i'm nearly sure it was that year) where it had a picture of an athlete and you could see the bush through the see through shorts.

I know the scene you're talking about in Shirley Valentine

dusty bin

branie2 wrote: »

I know the scene you're talking about in Shirley Valentine

pressing pause as she was jumping off a boat into the sea?

branie2

That's the one

Edgware

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

Rose, surely.

Sophia (the mother) would be a right goer

J Mysterio

dusty bin wrote: »

The ma had a shirley valentine video back in the day. Knew when to ffwd to and knew when to rewind when i had a free house. It was the only video we had with boobies. We did have the wicker man at one stage, but someone taped over it.

Also, an uncle had the guinness book of records 1984 edition (i'm nearly sure it was that year) where it had a picture of an athlete and you could see the bush through the see through shorts.

The Wicker Man! A hahaha. Love it.

This thread is ****ing golddust.

Riesen_Meal

I remember when we were in secondary school in first year there was this porno belong to one of the lads in classes Dad that must have got passed from Peter to Paul and back again...

It was called the United Colours of Sex, and has this kind of handicapped "small person" who was watching 2 aul ones going at it through a window outdoors while pulling the plum off himself, then he goes into the house and joins in with them...


He's then standing up on a couch and the 2 of them are sucking him off full pelt and the tiny flacid little mickey on him, it was so gammy...

Not much else back around 1993 to be fair...

J Mysterio

When I was in second or third year, it cropped up in conversation that with a lad that I had a few playboy magazines. I cant remember where the hell I got them. But anyway, your man couldn't believe it and offered to buy one off me. It was 5 or 10 pounds, I can't remember exactly, but it was a good deal.

So I stuck one in my schoolbag that evening and brought it in the next morning. Strolled to the jacks and made the exchange. Couple of hours later, your man was completely freaking out. The pressure of the illicit material in his bag was weighing him down and he was terrified his mum might find it, Haha. Offered for me to keep the money and take it back.

branie2

J Mysterio wrote: »

When I was in second or third year, it cropped up in conversation that with a lad that I had a few playboy magazines. I cant remember where the hell I got them. But anyway, your man couldn't believe it and offered to buy one off me. It was 5 or 10 pounds, I can't remember exactly, but it was a good deal.

So I stuck one in my schoolbag that evening and brought it in the next morning. Strolled to the jacks and made the exchange. Couple of hours later, your man was completely freaking out. The pressure of the illicit material in his bag was weighing him down and he was terrified his mum might find it, Haha. Offered for me to keep the money and take it back.

great deal

Ragnar Lothbrok

My best friend's dad was a motorway cop, and he had a huge collection of porn mags and videos back in the 80s. Apparently, every time the police raided somewhere and confiscated all the porn, the stuff was shared out among themselves.

So by the time we were in our teens, my friend had become an unofficial supplier of porn mags to the whole school. Most of it was pretty tame stuff (mainly photos of scantily clad or naked women) but there was the occasional hard core mag too.

"Parade" was the name of the tame mags, and "Hustler" would have been more hard core. I suppose "Hustler" would be considered pretty tame these days due to the easy accessibility of internet porn and the more extreme stuff that's out there.

I wonder if today's youth are becoming immune to porn or less excited by it, whereas in my youth, the porno mag was like gold dust, a genuine treat to be "read" over and over until the pages fell out. Ah, happier, simpler times

yellowpostit01

Ragnar Lothbrok wrote: »

I wonder if today's youth are becoming immune to porn or less excited by it, whereas in my youth, the porno mag was like gold dust, a genuine treat to be "read" over and over until the pages fell out. Ah, happier, simpler times

Definitely. The stuff I "used" back in the day wouldn't even give me a second thought now.

If my 16 year old self had seen some of the HD stuff that's now available , my mind (and everything else!) would have blown!!

Strumms

School trip in 5th year to Belgium and Luxembourg , a few of us managed to sneak into a newsagents and procure some of the good aforementioned reading material. Then we wondered after paying all that cash how the fûck we’d get it back into the country without being hauled up in front of the Gardaí, customs our parents and the parish priest. The solution was to also buy a vinyl album, take out the record, stash them in there and hope for the best. It worked, mind you sweated buckets at both airports.

yellowpostit01

Strumms wrote: »

School trip in 5th year to Belgium and Luxembourg , a few of us managed to sneak into a newsagents and procure some of the good aforementioned reading material. Then we wondered after paying all that cash how the fûck we’d get it back into the country without being hauled up in front of the Gardaí, customs our parents and the parish priest. The solution was to also buy a vinyl album, take out the record, stash them in there and hope for the best. It worked, mind you sweated buckets at both airports.

I'd say sweat wasn't the only bodily fluid produced at the time!!

fryup

Strumms wrote: »

School trip in 5th year to Belgium and Luxembourg , a few of us managed to sneak into a newsagents and procure some of the good aforementioned reading material. Then we wondered after paying all that cash how the fûck we’d get it back into the country without being hauled up in front of the Gardaí, customs our parents and the parish priest. The solution was to also buy a vinyl album, take out the record, stash them in there and hope for the best. It worked, mind you sweated buckets at both airports.

the custom officers must have been thinking these are bloody thick records :pac:

Strumms

fryup wrote: »

the custom officers must have been thinking these are bloody thick records :pac:

Yes, that and.. ‘well they don’t look like your average Milli Vanilli fan’

Outlaw Pete

Ragnar Lothbrok wrote: »

Obviously, the one she unwittingly chose was my "Special Video". She pressed the play button and was apparently confronted by a lovely close up of two women pleasuring each other in the bath!

Reminds me of one summer when I was about 13 one of the lads across the street had free gaff on a Saturday and about 20 of us were running amok when suddenly himself tells us if we stfu and stop messing he'll put one on of his brother's pornos and that he did. Can't remember a damn thing about only that there was lots of pubic hear and moaning.

Anyway, about ten minutes in we see his folks out the window driving up the road in their white cortina estate and everyone pegged it, including their son. We all went over the back wall and out onto the road behind and no, none of us had the presence of mind to turn off the tape.

Never did find out who walked through that hall door first, his mam, dad or younger twin sisters but whoever it was, I'd have paid, and would still pay, a good chunk of change to see their faces.

branie2

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

Reminds me of one summer when I was about 13 one of the lads across the street had free gaff on a Saturday and about 20 of us were running amok when suddenly himself tells us if we stfu and stop messing he'll put one on of his brother's pornos and that he did. Can't remember a damn thing about only that there was lots of pubic hear and moaning.

Anyway, about ten minutes in we see his folks out the window driving up the road in their white cortina estate and everyone pegged it, including their son. We all went over the back wall and out onto the road behind and no, none of us had the presence of mind to turn off the tape.

Never did find out who walked through that hall door first, his mam, dad or younger twin sisters but whoever it was, I'd have paid, and would still pay, a good chunk of change to see their faces.

home to a porno, and a messy substance on the living room floor.

JupiterKid

J Mysterio wrote: »

When I was in second or third year, it cropped up in conversation that with a lad that I had a few playboy magazines. I cant remember where the hell I got them. But anyway, your man couldn't believe it and offered to buy one off me. It was 5 or 10 pounds, I can't remember exactly, but it was a good deal.

So I stuck one in my schoolbag that evening and brought it in the next morning. Strolled to the jacks and made the exchange. Couple of hours later, your man was completely freaking out. The pressure of the illicit material in his bag was weighing him down and he was terrified his mum might find it, Haha. Offered for me to keep the money and take it back.

Ha!! When I was about 15 my big sister's boyfriend (from Belgium) got me a Men Only and a Playboy magazine. Being gay (and pretty much knowing I was but waay in the closet...this was 1990) the raunchy images of female flesh didn't really turn me on TVH, and I ended up selling pages of one of the mags, for about a fiver each, to some of my mates.

Kerching!! Profit.

I even sold a couple to a guy my sister hung out with as a kid - he was 6 years older than me.

dodderangler

Jessica rabbit.
Not gonna lie.
And Beyoncé video work it out.
I was 14 I think

branie2

Strumms wrote: »

School trip in 5th year to Belgium and Luxembourg , a few of us managed to sneak into a newsagents and procure some of the good aforementioned reading material. Then we wondered after paying all that cash how the fûck we’d get it back into the country without being hauled up in front of the Gardaí, customs our parents and the parish priest. The solution was to also buy a vinyl album, take out the record, stash them in there and hope for the best. It worked, mind you sweated buckets at both airports.

I hope your parents never found the material

EmmetSpiceland

dodderangler wrote: »

Jessica rabbit.
Not gonna lie.

No shame in that.

The “Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny” was another cartoon worth a crack back then.

Nikki Sixx

Any youngish teacher in secondary school, those were the days.

crybaby

Used to keep a picture of Jordan from the Daily Mirror hidden under my mattress

AndrewJRenko

TheDiceMan2020 wrote: »

Found a French porno that was set in President Jacques Chirac's office circa 1995. His secretary was riding everyone bar himself (who was the image of the real Chirac) and one scene she was sitting at her desk fingering herself with the President at his desk in the background.

Given his reputation, it could have been the man himself. Wasn't he the one where the wife and the mistress sat side by side in the front row of his funeral?

yellowpostit01 wrote: »

Nicole Kidman in all that film. Smoking

Nicole Kidman in Flirting, when she was much, much younger.