Totally (an adult content short story)

hcass

Kinski wrote: »

I hope you didn't take offence! It's just that young lads who write are excessively fond of the "mad night at a house party" genre.

You've got plenty of good feedback already, but I'd mention that the reference to the girl's bf seems redundant. If he plays no role in the story, why mention him?

Also, if you want to push things to a really "absurd conclusion," I'd suggest having the girl take the two lads upstairs to "totally f*ck the both of them," only for her to be left as the third wheel while the boys discover each other!

I didn 't realise that was a genre?

Then go write it!


I mentioned her BF to show the kind of girl she is and in the real events - her BF was at the party too.

Why would I take offence? Unless you meant to offend me? Did ya?

Kinski

hcass wrote: »

I didn 't realise that was a genre?

It is among young male wannabes.

Then go write it!

Not really my style; I write SF. Maybe if I made them clones I could write it...

I mentioned her BF to show the kind of girl she is and in the real events - her BF was at the party too.

Real events not important. Kinda girl she is, yes, but couldn't she say he'd already gone home? Mentioning he's just outside sets up an expectation that he'll play some part as events unfold.

Why would I take offence? Unless you meant to offend me? Did ya?

No, but perhaps you'd be offended at being told you write like a twenty-year-old boy...

D-FENS

As a red blooded male, I’m quite proud that I read through this and was a bit disappointed that it didn’t develop into something non-sex related!
I just mean that often a scene like this is usually just a means to get to a deeper issue, like what would happen with these three people after they leave the bedroom (especially the main character Captain Leaky Tap), will you be writing further on it? Just think in its current short story form, the adult material slightly outweighs the overall theme (Wouldn't chance entering this in the powers competition! )

It reminded me of Irvine Welsh’s work to be honest, he often uses sleazy sex in his stories, usually to point out a character’s flaws and insecurities. I know you have done this already with the ending, but it is quite subtle really (As subtle as spilling your beans on the floor can be ).

I too am surprised you are female, and I’ve tried not to read the story any differently, but of course I did. But this is just a reflection on me, and the fact I’ve still a ways to go before I have a real understanding of what it takes to write well,
But that aside, your husband must love going away on trips just to ring you for phone sex!

D-FENS

hcass wrote: »

her BF was at the party too.

Must have been some joint he was smoking outside too, camberwell carrot perhaps?

hcass

D-FENS wrote: »

Must have been some joint he was smoking outside too, camberwell carrot perhaps?

Is it just me or are you a little pedantic? Could he not be chatting outside while having a spliff with his mates? Do you spend parties at your GF's side, looking for her all the time - or do you enjoy yourself?

And as to why I didn't mention that he had gone home - I thought by letting you know he was still there I would show this girl is the kind of girl who will take risks, gets excited at the thought of being caught, throws caution to the wind, that type of thing.

And yes, I could have used it to delve deeper - look at what happens after but like I said; it was a bit of fun for me. Just a fun story, nothing too serious.

It wasn't just the ending that shows his awkwardness - I thought the dialogue and his reactions to Alicia's come on also shone a little light on his character.

And Kinski, so you did mean to offend me - aha! You think I write like a 20 year old boy. I don't think I do. But hey, that's cool.

Das Kitty

Kinski wrote: »

Not really my style; I write SF. Maybe if I made them clones I could write it...

What sort of depraved person would write such a thing? *shifty eyes*


OP, I want to know about the girl. What's her deal? What makes her want to screw a pair of random eejits at a party that her boyfriend is at? She has to be a bit broken somehow. Without the motive she comes across as a bit of an object to me.

The penis-fencing image made me laugh as well as the fact that he came on his own bedroom carpet. LOL.

D-FENS

hcass wrote: »

Is it just me or are you a little pedantic? Could he not be chatting outside while having a spliff with his mates? Do you spend parties at your GF's side, looking for her all the time - or do you enjoy yourself?

And as to why I didn't mention that he had gone home - I thought by letting you know he was still there I would show this girl is the kind of girl who will take risks, gets excited at the thought of being caught, throws caution to the wind, that type of thing.

And yes, I could have used it to delve deeper - look at what happens after but like I said; it was a bit of fun for me. Just a fun story, nothing too serious.

It wasn't just the ending that shows his awkwardness - I thought the dialogue and his reactions to Alicia's come on also shone a little light on his character.

Despite my best efforts, I’ve very pedantic. I’m about as wild and spontaneous as a mass card. I once jumped in a swimming pool fully clothed, but emptied my pockets first in case I got my money wet.
To be honest, my BF comment was just a piss take, would not have even thought of it if Kinski had not mentioned it.
And you’re right, at any party I have been to or hosted, most people are outside the house.
I enjoyed the story by the way, maybe I should have mentioned that first. As a bit of fun, it’s pretty decent.
Either way I was just sharing my thoughts on it

hcass

Das Kitty wrote: »

What sort of depraved person would write such a thing? *shifty eyes*


OP, I want to know about the girl. What's her deal? What makes her want to screw a pair of random eejits at a party that her boyfriend is at? She has to be a bit broken somehow. Without the motive she comes across as a bit of an object to me.

The penis-fencing image made me laugh as well as the fact that he came on his own bedroom carpet. LOL.

Someone laughed, hurrah! Thanks Das Kitty.

TBH I suppose she is a bit of an object. She's vapid, self obsessed and loves male attention. Cos I essentially wrote this for my mates, they know the girl, so I didn't have to go into too much detail for them. But obviously you not knowing her, well it's a bit of a problem. Oops, my bad!

Kinski

And Kinski, so you did mean to offend me - aha! You think I write like a 20 year old boy. I don't think I do. But hey, that's cool.

Aww, no, I wasn't. Just seemed like it was written by a man...and in fairness, I'm not the only one to think so!

But you've got the bones of a prize-winning short story here now. Change the protagonist's name from Patrick to Captain Leaky Tap, and instead of swigging beer from a can he's supping from a bottle of Powers Gold Label ("Mmm, this Powers Gold Label™ has such a fine flavour, with a rich oakey aftertaste: delicious neat, or mixed with a little fresh spring water to release the full flavour," waxed Captain Leaky Tap, holding the bottle just under his nostrils, inhaling the sweet odour of Powers, "Going to straight to my head though. Hey everyone, let's head upstairs and gang-bang!")

Not need to thank me, I'll be content with 10% of your 10,000euro prize-money.

hcass

D-FENS wrote: »

Despite my best efforts, I’ve very pedantic. I’m about as wild and spontaneous as a mass card. I once jumped in a swimming pool fully clothed, but emptied my pockets first in case I got my money wet.
To be honest, my BF comment was just a piss take, would not have even thought of it if Kinski had not mentioned it.
And you’re right, at any party I have been to or hosted, most people are outside the house.
I enjoyed the story by the way, maybe I should have mentioned that first. As a bit of fun, it’s pretty decent.
Either way I was just sharing my thoughts on it

Ah that's grand - I got your humour. I do like a bit of Withnail and I.

hcass

Kinski wrote: »

Aww, no, I wasn't. Just seemed like it was written by a man...and in fairness, I'm not the only one to think so!

But you've got the bones of a prize-winning short story here now. Change the protagonist's name from Patrick to Captain Leaky Tap, and instead of swigging beer from a can he's supping from a bottle of Powers Gold Label ("Mmm, this Powers Gold Label™ has such a fine flavour, with a rich oakey aftertaste: delicious neat, or mixed with a little fresh spring water to release the full flavour," waxed Captain Leaky Tap, holding the bottle just under his nostrils, inhaling the sweet odour of Powers, "Going to straight to my head though. Hey everyone, let's head upstairs and gang-bang!")

Not need to thank me, I'll be content with 10% of your 10,000euro prize-money.

ANd then wipe our dicks with copies of the Irish times - I've heard it's got great absorbency.

Kinski

hcass wrote: »

ANd then wipe our dicks with copies of the Irish times

Funnily enough, that's exactly how Kevin Myers used to produce his columns for it.

pickarooney

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Das Kitty

hcass wrote: »

TBH I suppose she is a bit of an object. She's vapid, self obsessed and loves male attention. Cos I essentially wrote this for my mates, they know the girl, so I didn't have to go into too much detail for them. But obviously you not knowing her, well it's a bit of a problem. Oops, my bad!

No one is like that for no reason though. No one I've ever met anyway, there's always something underneath it. That might be why people thought it was a young male writer, because if she's an object she's just there for the boys to get their bit and not a person in her own right. A tiny glint of vulnerability could make all the difference. But then again, that's my preference as a reader.

I did enjoy it though.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Ooooh, interesting! What would a guy call a girl so?

Das Kitty

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

If he'd been watching Misfits maybe. :P

hcass

Das Kitty wrote: »

No one is like that for no reason though. No one I've ever met anyway, there's always something underneath it. That might be why people thought it was a young male writer, because if she's an object she's just there for the boys to get their bit and not a person in her own right. A tiny glint of vulnerability could make all the difference. But then again, that's my preference as a reader.

I did enjoy it though.

I get your point and I agree - no one is just a bitch or just a sex fiend - but this story is just a bit of fun so I guess the one dimensional character kind of fit for me. But yes, I do know exactly what you're talking about.

Kinski

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Are you implying that it's an example of this?

Though I find if male writers are constructing a fantasy female character, they tend to go with exotic names (suppose it's all part of the fantasy.)

syklops

"I could feel my d!ck getting hard. I looked down. Fu*k. Then she looked down. "

A guy wouldnt look down. He wouldnt need to. Just like a girl never needs to 'check' if she is wet.

She leaned into me; “naughty boy,” she whispered.
Fu*k. I shifted slightly, using the hand in my pocket to get control of the thing.

I know us men can be up and down like a lift, but I dont think it would suddenly ping out just because she is hot and is being flirty. He would feel stirring, but I dont think anyting visible to her.

She fell against the desk, holding onto it for support

I think even if she was "in the zone" she would still have the wherewithal to aim for the bed.

I watched on as he lifted her onto the desk

Again, there is a bed right there, why did he plonk her on the desk? They might look good in films but they are not comfy at all.

All in all its a bit sad. She came up to the author and they were flirting, but the asshole of a house mate gets the whole nine yards.

pickarooney

http://www.hackerfactor.com/GenderGuesser.php#Analyze

"Weak male or female" according to the Gender guesser. It actually knew hcass was a woman writing as a weak male European narrator

hcass

A guy wouldnt look down. He wouldnt need to. Just like a girl never needs to 'check' if she is wet.

It was a nervous reaction. I don't think it's that big of an issue.



I know us men can be up and down like a lift, but I dont think it would suddenly ping out just because she is hot and is being flirty. He would feel stirring, but I dont think anyting visible to her.

This guy is particularly easily aroused, he doesn't get much and is young too and full of hormones.



I think even if she was "in the zone" she would still have the wherewithal to aim for the bed.

I guess she just likes to mix it up a bit - sex on the bed can get boring. ANyway, it s more the fact that yer man sticks his head up her skirt and she falls back, holding onto the desk. Is that so unbelievable?


Again, there is a bed right there, why did he plonk her on the desk? They might look good in films but they are not comfy at all.

Because they were right at the desk, up against it, he lifted her up onto it, I really don't think that is enough of an issue to point it out.

All in all its a bit sad. She came up to the author and they were flirting, but the asshole of a house mate gets the whole nine yards.

Yeah - I know! He's used to it though, this guy, he never gets
the girl or even just the sex.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

http://www.hackerfactor.com/GenderGuesser.php#Analyze

"Weak male or female" according to the Gender guesser. It actually knew hcass was a woman writing as a weak male European narrator

Geez thanks. I am here you know looking at this, have a bit of heart.

syklops

hcass wrote: »

Because they were right at the desk, up against it, he lifted her up onto it, I really don't think that is enough of an issue to point it out.

It makes it seem too porn movie-esque though. "she likes to mix it up a bit". Shes already doing that. Shes having a 3some with 2 randomers with her BF downstairs. If he had placed on the desk and she had said "Not here, lets do it on the bed" I think it would have been more realistic.

Yeah - I know! He's used to it though, this guy, he never gets
the girl or even just the sex.

You never get used to it though, if your the guy who never gets the girl, you never get used to it.

hcass

syklops wrote: »

It makes it seem too porn movie-esque though. "she likes to mix it up a bit". Shes already doing that. Shes having a 3some with 2 randomers with her BF downstairs. If he had placed on the desk and she had said "Not here, lets do it on the bed" I think it would have been more realistic.




You never get used to it though, if your the guy who never gets the girl, you never get used to it.

Nah - I don;t think they'd say that. Let's do it on the bed? Have you never done it on desk? It's not that "out there"

hcass

syklops wrote: »

You never get used to it though, if your the guy who never gets the girl, you never get used to it.

I'm sure you don't, ha ha.

EileenG

To go back to a few previous points: Sup. If a word trips up the reader, even if it's a correcly used word, you might consider changing it. You want your reader immersed in the story, not digging out a dictionary to see if you really can use "sup" in that context.

For me, it was a trip, it took me a while to realise he was drinking beer from a can and distracted me from his problems.

In real life, Alicia might have a boyfriend who is outside, but in a story this short, he is not significant, and should be omitted.

(In real life, people do win the lotto when they are broke. If you tried to end a story with your poverty-stricken character winning the lotto, you'd get hung)

As mentioned, I'd like to have some clue as to what is driving her to drag the gob****es upstairs to **** them. Neither of them sound like anyone I'd do for a bet.

I've never done it on a desk if there was a bed available. Never.

hcass

To go back to a few previous points: Sup. If a word trips up the reader, even if it's a correcly used word, you might consider changing it. You want your reader immersed in the story, not digging out a dictionary to see if you really can use "sup" in that context.

I already said I would have a look at it.

For me, it was a trip, it took me a while to realise he was drinking beer from a can and distracted me from his problems.

In real life, Alicia might have a boyfriend who is outside, but in a story this short, he is not significant, and should be omitted.

I think it adds to the riskiness of the encounter and am leaving it in. I think it says a lot about Alicia that she'll have sex while her BF is downstairs at a party.

(In real life, people do win the lotto when they are broke. If you tried to end a story with your poverty-stricken character winning the lotto, you'd get hung)

As mentioned, I'd like to have some clue as to what is driving her to drag the gob****es upstairs to **** them. Neither of them sound like anyone I'd do for a bet.

I don't think that really matters, as*holes get sex all the time. But I don't think PAtrick is all that bad a guy. Anyway - it's not you in the story it's Alicia and she would have sex with these two gobsh*ites as you like to call them.

I've never done it on a desk if there was a bed available. Never.

Ok. Good for you. I've already explained why she had sex on the desk, against the desk, over and around the desk. For me, it's not an issue.

Das Kitty

EileenG wrote: »

I've never done it on a desk if there was a bed available. Never.

People do though.

syklops

hcass wrote: »

Nah - I don;t think they'd say that. Let's do it on the bed? Have you never done it on desk? It's not that "out there"

Im not picking holes for the sake of it, but first you say she wants to do it on the desk to be "out there" and then you say its not that "out there".

Yes I have done it on desks and chairs, and for the guy its ok, but for the girl I have always gotten complaints and sometimes moved to the floor or the nearest soft furnishing.

She maybe wouldnt have said, "lets do it on the bed", but women have all kinds of subtle ways of moving their parnet to where they want to be.

DasKitty wrote:

People do though.

Do people do it on desks/tables? Sure. Do they do it on the desk when there is a bed a few feet away? Doubtful. Not alot anyway. Are there any boardsies reading this who did it on a desk when there was a perfectly acceptable bed next to it?

Das Kitty

syklops wrote: »

Do people do it on desks/tables? Sure. Do they do it on the desk when there is a bed a few feet away? Doubtful. Not alot anyway. Are there any boardsies reading this who did it on a desk when there was a perfectly acceptable bed next to it?

Em yeah. Nothing like a good game of avoid the bed! Depends what you're doing too, different heights can be useful.

Really, is it that unusual?