Totally (an adult content short story)

hcass

Just a bit of fun - nothing too serious, would love your thoughts on it though. Thanks for reading.

TOTALLY.
I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, supping on a warm can of some cheap piss I’d found in the kitchen. It didn’t feel like my house. I didn’t know half of the people here. I was tempted to walk out the door and get a taxi to my ma’s, stay there for the night. It’s not like anyone would have noticed. I checked my pocket for cash. I was just fishing something out when she came over; all biker boots and black hair.

“Hey”.
“Hey Alicia. You enjoying yourself?” I stood up, brushed my hair back and scratched my head.
Alicia shrugged and went to take the can from my hand. I let her have it. She took a swig, licked her lips and handed it back to me. Her red lipstick now coated the can. I looked at it, not sure if I should wipe it off or leave it. I decided to leave it. I took a sip then smiled at Alicia. She held her fringe back from her face and stared at me. Her eyes were heavy with black eyeliner and thick mascara. She closed them slowly then opened them again. I looked behind me, and then looked back at Alicia.

“So?” She tilted her head. She was wearing a black shirt and was toying with the buttons.
“Eh, what’s the craic?”
“Dunno”. She smiled at me.
“Uh, is your boyfriend still here?” I asked.

My hands were beginning to shake so I stuffed them into my trouser pockets.

“He’s outside, smoking a spliff.”
“D’ye wanna go out and have a toke?”
“No”. She answered, shaking her head; still staring at me.
“Do you wanna get a drink? I’ll get you one from the fridge, they’re cold and-“
“I don’t want a drink.” She interrupted me. “I want something else.”
“What? What else? Do you want?” I gulped. I was feeling a bit hot. I went to zip my top down.
“Not yet”, she giggled, putting her hand on my chest.
I could feel my d!ck getting hard. I looked down. Fu*k. Then she looked down.
She leaned into me; “naughty boy,” she whispered.
Fu*k. I shifted slightly, using the hand in my pocket to get control of the thing.
“What’s the story, losers?”
Simon Harmon, one of my housemates grabbed me by the shoulder.

I quickly let go of my d!ck.

“We were just talking.” I glared at Simon. Now fu*ck off.
“Just talking, yeah?”
“Well, we were about to do something else, weren’t we Patrick?” Alicia winked at me.
“Uh, yeah, we were.” I stared at Simon again but the idiot didn’t move.
“Tell me more”. Simon leaned against the wall, taking a big gulp out of his can.

Alicia looked at Simon, then at me. She took a deep breath then exhaled, her breasts rose and fell, and she squeezed them together, lifting her head back just slightly. We watched her, not sure what she was going to do next. Simon shook his head and raised one eyebrow.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed.
“You like?” She teased, putting her finger into her mouth and biting down on it.
“Fu*k yeah.” Said Simon, glancing at me and grinning.
I nodded, hands still shoved in pockets, dick rock hard against my leg.
She pushed me out of the way and began walking up the stairs. Simon followed her. She stopped at the turn in the stairs, looked down and gestured at me to join them. I grabbed the banister and ran up the stairs. I stepped ahead of them, straight to my room, opening the door.

“Is this your room?” She asked
“Yeah, it’s bigger than the others”.
“I’ll bet it is”.

Simon was behind Alicia now, making faces and holding his crotch.
We made our way to the bed and sat down. Alicia sat between the two of us.

“So, I think we should play a game,” Alicia said standing up. She waited for us to agree. We agreed.
“How about… Truth or Dare?”
We nodded together.
“I go first,” she said, “Simon. Truth or dare?”
“Eh, truth,” Simon said, looking at me and shrugging.
“Would you f uc k me?” She asked.
“Fu*king right I would.” He replied.
“Ok, your go.” Alicia sat back down on the bed, looking at Simon.
Simon stared at me, I shrugged. “Right, ok. Em, would you fuc*k me?” he laughed.
“I’d totally fu*k the two of you.” Alicia answered.

That was it; I pushed her back on the bed, put my hand up her skirt and started kissing her. She kissed me back and stuck her hand into my trousers. She took my dick in her hand and began rubbing it up and down. Then she stopped and turned to kiss Simon. He kissed her hard and grabbed her t!ts. I tugged at her knickers, eventually pulling them half way down her legs. She stood up and pulled off her boots, nearly tripping over herself. She yanked her knickers down and threw them on my desk. I got up off the bed and kissed her again. Simon shuffled over on his knees and stuck his head up her skirt. She fell against the desk, holding onto it for support. I unbuttoned her top, her breasts spilled out of her bra; I took one in my mouth and sucked hard. She pulled her shirt off and undid her bra.

I looked down at Simon, he looked up at me, grinning stupidly. An image of our dicks rubbing off each other popped into my head and wouldn’t leave. I couldn’t. Not with him here. I let go of Alicia’s breast and backed away. Simon glanced back at me. I shook my head and plonked down on the bed. He went back to work, burying his face between her legs.

I watched as Alicia’s face contorted uncontrollably. She started to touch herself, stroking her breasts with one hand, the fingers on her other tousling her long, silky, black hair. Then she opened her eyes and looked right at me. She was close to climaxing. She watched me, her eyes wide with ecstasy and began to scream, “Ah, ah, ah, oh FU*K!” Simon stood up undid his trousers and rammed his d!ck into her pu$$y. I watched on as he lifted her onto the desk, my d!ck was still hard and I began to ****. He kissed her mouth, then her tits. She screamed even more. I pulled hard on my d!ck. Simon began to shout, “Oh fu*k, fu*k, fu*k, Yeaaaah!” One last thrust and they screamed together. I came on the carpet.

EileenG

Some technical points: biker boots with a skirt? What sort of skirt? Normally I don't care about descriptions of clothes but in this case, we need to know.

Suppping is a verb I would associate with tea or soup rather than beer.

Closed her eyes slowly and opened them again?

Can you really grab your dick from your pants pocket? Not jeans, I take it?

Would he not start kissing her before he put his hand up her skirt?

She's on her back on the bed, how does she turn and kiss Simon? Is he on the bed as well?

Simon has his head under her skirt, how can he grin at Patrick?

Hair is not an erogenous zone. Trust me on this, she's not getting off on stroking her hair.

Surely eyes narrow in ecstasy rather than widen?

hcass

Some technical points: biker boots with a skirt? What sort of skirt? Normally I don't care about descriptions of clothes but in this case, we need to know.

The description I gave was all black hair and biker boots. That's what he notices so that's what I wrote.

Suppping is a verb I would associate with tea or soup rather than beer.

You've never supped on a beer? I have.

Closed her eyes slowly and opened them again?

Yeah - don't really like that line myself. Don't know why I left it in, thanks for that.

Can you really grab your dick from your pants pocket? Not jeans, I take it?

My husband can.

Would he not start kissing her before he put his hand up her skirt?

Not on this occasion. He's not exactly an old romantic and was very excited at that point.

She's on her back on the bed, how does she turn and kiss Simon? Is he on the bed as well?

Yes, they all sat on the bed - I did write that.

Simon has his head under her skirt, how can he grin at Patrick?

I said he looked up and grinned at him.

Hair is not an erogenous zone. Trust me on this, she's not getting off on stroking her hair.

I never said she was. She is climaxing because Simon is giving oral sex.

Surely eyes narrow in ecstasy rather than widen?

I don't really think they do. Maybe for you it's different?

Well.

Erm.

I liked it.

*cough*

hcass

Deleted User wrote: »

Well.

Erm.

I liked it.

*cough*

As in cough, you didn't like it? It's ok, tell me why.

Well, I liked it for what it was, which is essentially just erotica.

hcass

Deleted User wrote: »

Well, I liked it for what it was, which is essentially just erotica.

Well, like I said it was a bit of fun. I thought it was fun anyway

MagicMarker

Well, it's definitely written by a man, that's for sure.

hcass

MagicMarker wrote: »

Well, it's definitely written by a man, that's for sure.

Is that a joke? I'm a woman.

EileenG

The skirt thing. If she's wearing a skirt, that means her legs are on show, which a man will notice. The question is, is it a short skirt or a longer one?

If Simon's head is under her skirt, it's covering it, so he can't look up.

pickarooney

EileenG wrote: »

The skirt thing. If she's wearing a skirt, that means her legs are on show, which a man will notice.

Not if she's unbuttoning her top, he won't. But it's got to be a tartan skirt, about two inches above the knee. It's pleated, and rides up quickly when nudged by a head of brown curls.

hcass

EileenG wrote: »

The skirt thing. If she's wearing a skirt, that means her legs are on show, which a man will notice. The question is, is it a short skirt or a longer one?

If Simon's head is under her skirt, it's covering it, so he can't look up.

Yeah, in my head the skirt was short, I just didn't think I needed to write that, don't know why really. I guess I just had this picture of a rocker kinda girl; short skirt, shirt, biker boots, and I presumed everyone else would too. Again, can't explain why... I'll def have a look thanks.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

Not if she's unbuttoning her top, he won't. But it's got to be a tartan skirt, about two inches above the knee. It's pleated, and rides up quickly when nudged by a head of brown curls.

Funny you say cos that is exactly the type of skirt (short tartan) I had in my image of her.

EileenG

I hoped it was short, but I'd have prefered some sort of hint about the skirt than the shirt. It would be enough to say how much of her legs were on show. Bare legs or torn tights?

I you, EileenG.

hcass

EileenG wrote: »

I hoped it was short, but I'd have prefered some sort of hint about the skirt than the shirt. It would be enough to say how much of her legs were on show. Bare legs or torn tights?

No tights but black knee socks.

hcass

Just on the sup thing - you never say that you sup on a can of something? But you sup your soup? I never heard of supping soup.

Anyone else any opinion on the word sup?

Honestly, I personally believe "sup" is misused there. Sipping would just be much better.

hcass

Ok so sup is out. Does no one say sup? I say sup - I must be alone.

EileenG

I say sup for tea. "Would ya take a sup of tae?" Actually, I don't say that, people say it to me, but you get the idea. I've never said it for beer. I'd say sip or slug for beer.

pickarooney

'Sup' works fine for beer but 'slug' or 'swig' is much more manly.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

'Sup' works fine for beer but 'slug' or 'swig' is much more manly.

Yes but this lad is not what I would call manly. And at the point when he was supping/sipping on a beer he was feeling despondent and ready to leave the party. To me you slug or swig from a beer when you are feeling confident or at least trying to feign confidence.

pickarooney

hcass wrote: »

Yes but this lad is not what I would call manly. And at the point when he was supping/sipping on a beer he was feeling despondent and ready to leave the party.

Then he'd be skulling the can and stomping on it in impotent rage surely?

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

Then he'd be skulling the can and stomping on it in impotent rage surely?

I don't know if you're messing now or wha?

But no, he is not like that - I didn't describe him like that. He is bored, feeling low - he's not full of rage or aggression. He's skulking about the place, supping on a beer - but hey, it doesn't really matter all that much eh?

pickarooney

hcass wrote: »

I don't know if you're messing now or wha?

But no, he is not like that - I didn't describe him like that. He is bored, feeling low - he's not full of rage or aggression. He's skulking about the place, supping on a beer - but hey, it doesn't really matter all that much eh?

It doesn't matter a damn but it's worth discussing all the same. It's at least interesting to see how different people visualise what's not written and how different actions and expressions click with them.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

It doesn't matter a damn but it's worth discussing all the same. It's at least interesting to see how different people visualise what's not written and how different actions and expressions click with them.

Yeah, you're right, it is interesting. Sorry if I pi$$ed you off there, I can't tell the tone of some posts (obviously) so it's difficult to respond sometimes without
irritating people. Or maybe I think about these things too much.

pickarooney

hcass wrote: »

Yeah, you're right, it is interesting. Sorry if I pi$$ed you off there, I can't tell the tone of some posts (obviously) so it's difficult to respond sometimes without
irritating people. Or maybe I think about these things too much.

You have to read my posts in a Clark Gable voice, not an Eric Cartman voice.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

You have to read my posts in a Clark Gable voice, not an Eric Cartman voice.

Nice tip. Read mine in a Marge Simpson style.

Kinski

hcass wrote: »

Is that a joke? I'm a woman.

I assumed man too. Aged between 18-24. Interesting...

hcass

I'm a 30 year old female. The story was an idea from a friend of mine. It's based on true events. This happened to him and a friend - the girl said she'd "totally f*ck the both of them" but it went no further. He told me to take it to it's absurd conclusion. Really it's more about the awkward guy who metaphorically speaking always comes on the carpet than a piece of erotica.

Kinski

I hope you didn't take offence! It's just that young lads who write are excessively fond of the "mad night at a house party" genre.

You've got plenty of good feedback already, but I'd mention that the reference to the girl's bf seems redundant. If he plays no role in the story, why mention him?

Also, if you want to push things to a really "absurd conclusion," I'd suggest having the girl take the two lads upstairs to "totally f*ck the both of them," only for her to be left as the third wheel while the boys discover each other!

hcass

Kinski wrote: »

I hope you didn't take offence! It's just that young lads who write are excessively fond of the "mad night at a house party" genre.

You've got plenty of good feedback already, but I'd mention that the reference to the girl's bf seems redundant. If he plays no role in the story, why mention him?

Also, if you want to push things to a really "absurd conclusion," I'd suggest having the girl take the two lads upstairs to "totally f*ck the both of them," only for her to be left as the third wheel while the boys discover each other!

I didn 't realise that was a genre?

Then go write it!


I mentioned her BF to show the kind of girl she is and in the real events - her BF was at the party too.

Why would I take offence? Unless you meant to offend me? Did ya?

Kinski

hcass wrote: »

I didn 't realise that was a genre?

It is among young male wannabes.

Then go write it!

Not really my style; I write SF. Maybe if I made them clones I could write it...

I mentioned her BF to show the kind of girl she is and in the real events - her BF was at the party too.

Real events not important. Kinda girl she is, yes, but couldn't she say he'd already gone home? Mentioning he's just outside sets up an expectation that he'll play some part as events unfold.

Why would I take offence? Unless you meant to offend me? Did ya?

No, but perhaps you'd be offended at being told you write like a twenty-year-old boy...

D-FENS

As a red blooded male, I’m quite proud that I read through this and was a bit disappointed that it didn’t develop into something non-sex related!
I just mean that often a scene like this is usually just a means to get to a deeper issue, like what would happen with these three people after they leave the bedroom (especially the main character Captain Leaky Tap), will you be writing further on it? Just think in its current short story form, the adult material slightly outweighs the overall theme (Wouldn't chance entering this in the powers competition! )

It reminded me of Irvine Welsh’s work to be honest, he often uses sleazy sex in his stories, usually to point out a character’s flaws and insecurities. I know you have done this already with the ending, but it is quite subtle really (As subtle as spilling your beans on the floor can be ).

I too am surprised you are female, and I’ve tried not to read the story any differently, but of course I did. But this is just a reflection on me, and the fact I’ve still a ways to go before I have a real understanding of what it takes to write well,
But that aside, your husband must love going away on trips just to ring you for phone sex!

D-FENS

hcass wrote: »

her BF was at the party too.

Must have been some joint he was smoking outside too, camberwell carrot perhaps?

hcass

D-FENS wrote: »

Must have been some joint he was smoking outside too, camberwell carrot perhaps?

Is it just me or are you a little pedantic? Could he not be chatting outside while having a spliff with his mates? Do you spend parties at your GF's side, looking for her all the time - or do you enjoy yourself?

And as to why I didn't mention that he had gone home - I thought by letting you know he was still there I would show this girl is the kind of girl who will take risks, gets excited at the thought of being caught, throws caution to the wind, that type of thing.

And yes, I could have used it to delve deeper - look at what happens after but like I said; it was a bit of fun for me. Just a fun story, nothing too serious.

It wasn't just the ending that shows his awkwardness - I thought the dialogue and his reactions to Alicia's come on also shone a little light on his character.

And Kinski, so you did mean to offend me - aha! You think I write like a 20 year old boy. I don't think I do. But hey, that's cool.

Das Kitty

Kinski wrote: »

Not really my style; I write SF. Maybe if I made them clones I could write it...

What sort of depraved person would write such a thing? *shifty eyes*


OP, I want to know about the girl. What's her deal? What makes her want to screw a pair of random eejits at a party that her boyfriend is at? She has to be a bit broken somehow. Without the motive she comes across as a bit of an object to me.

The penis-fencing image made me laugh as well as the fact that he came on his own bedroom carpet. LOL.

D-FENS

hcass wrote: »

Is it just me or are you a little pedantic? Could he not be chatting outside while having a spliff with his mates? Do you spend parties at your GF's side, looking for her all the time - or do you enjoy yourself?

And as to why I didn't mention that he had gone home - I thought by letting you know he was still there I would show this girl is the kind of girl who will take risks, gets excited at the thought of being caught, throws caution to the wind, that type of thing.

And yes, I could have used it to delve deeper - look at what happens after but like I said; it was a bit of fun for me. Just a fun story, nothing too serious.

It wasn't just the ending that shows his awkwardness - I thought the dialogue and his reactions to Alicia's come on also shone a little light on his character.

Despite my best efforts, I’ve very pedantic. I’m about as wild and spontaneous as a mass card. I once jumped in a swimming pool fully clothed, but emptied my pockets first in case I got my money wet.
To be honest, my BF comment was just a piss take, would not have even thought of it if Kinski had not mentioned it.
And you’re right, at any party I have been to or hosted, most people are outside the house.
I enjoyed the story by the way, maybe I should have mentioned that first. As a bit of fun, it’s pretty decent.
Either way I was just sharing my thoughts on it

hcass

Das Kitty wrote: »

What sort of depraved person would write such a thing? *shifty eyes*


OP, I want to know about the girl. What's her deal? What makes her want to screw a pair of random eejits at a party that her boyfriend is at? She has to be a bit broken somehow. Without the motive she comes across as a bit of an object to me.

The penis-fencing image made me laugh as well as the fact that he came on his own bedroom carpet. LOL.

Someone laughed, hurrah! Thanks Das Kitty.

TBH I suppose she is a bit of an object. She's vapid, self obsessed and loves male attention. Cos I essentially wrote this for my mates, they know the girl, so I didn't have to go into too much detail for them. But obviously you not knowing her, well it's a bit of a problem. Oops, my bad!

Kinski

And Kinski, so you did mean to offend me - aha! You think I write like a 20 year old boy. I don't think I do. But hey, that's cool.

Aww, no, I wasn't. Just seemed like it was written by a man...and in fairness, I'm not the only one to think so!

But you've got the bones of a prize-winning short story here now. Change the protagonist's name from Patrick to Captain Leaky Tap, and instead of swigging beer from a can he's supping from a bottle of Powers Gold Label ("Mmm, this Powers Gold Label™ has such a fine flavour, with a rich oakey aftertaste: delicious neat, or mixed with a little fresh spring water to release the full flavour," waxed Captain Leaky Tap, holding the bottle just under his nostrils, inhaling the sweet odour of Powers, "Going to straight to my head though. Hey everyone, let's head upstairs and gang-bang!")

Not need to thank me, I'll be content with 10% of your 10,000euro prize-money.

hcass

D-FENS wrote: »

Despite my best efforts, I’ve very pedantic. I’m about as wild and spontaneous as a mass card. I once jumped in a swimming pool fully clothed, but emptied my pockets first in case I got my money wet.
To be honest, my BF comment was just a piss take, would not have even thought of it if Kinski had not mentioned it.
And you’re right, at any party I have been to or hosted, most people are outside the house.
I enjoyed the story by the way, maybe I should have mentioned that first. As a bit of fun, it’s pretty decent.
Either way I was just sharing my thoughts on it

Ah that's grand - I got your humour. I do like a bit of Withnail and I.

hcass

Kinski wrote: »

Aww, no, I wasn't. Just seemed like it was written by a man...and in fairness, I'm not the only one to think so!

But you've got the bones of a prize-winning short story here now. Change the protagonist's name from Patrick to Captain Leaky Tap, and instead of swigging beer from a can he's supping from a bottle of Powers Gold Label ("Mmm, this Powers Gold Label™ has such a fine flavour, with a rich oakey aftertaste: delicious neat, or mixed with a little fresh spring water to release the full flavour," waxed Captain Leaky Tap, holding the bottle just under his nostrils, inhaling the sweet odour of Powers, "Going to straight to my head though. Hey everyone, let's head upstairs and gang-bang!")

Not need to thank me, I'll be content with 10% of your 10,000euro prize-money.

ANd then wipe our dicks with copies of the Irish times - I've heard it's got great absorbency.

Kinski

hcass wrote: »

ANd then wipe our dicks with copies of the Irish times

Funnily enough, that's exactly how Kevin Myers used to produce his columns for it.

pickarooney

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Das Kitty

hcass wrote: »

TBH I suppose she is a bit of an object. She's vapid, self obsessed and loves male attention. Cos I essentially wrote this for my mates, they know the girl, so I didn't have to go into too much detail for them. But obviously you not knowing her, well it's a bit of a problem. Oops, my bad!

No one is like that for no reason though. No one I've ever met anyway, there's always something underneath it. That might be why people thought it was a young male writer, because if she's an object she's just there for the boys to get their bit and not a person in her own right. A tiny glint of vulnerability could make all the difference. But then again, that's my preference as a reader.

I did enjoy it though.

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Ooooh, interesting! What would a guy call a girl so?

Das Kitty

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

If he'd been watching Misfits maybe. :P

hcass

Das Kitty wrote: »

No one is like that for no reason though. No one I've ever met anyway, there's always something underneath it. That might be why people thought it was a young male writer, because if she's an object she's just there for the boys to get their bit and not a person in her own right. A tiny glint of vulnerability could make all the difference. But then again, that's my preference as a reader.

I did enjoy it though.

I get your point and I agree - no one is just a bitch or just a sex fiend - but this story is just a bit of fun so I guess the one dimensional character kind of fit for me. But yes, I do know exactly what you're talking about.

Kinski

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you really think a male writer would have called the girl 'Alicia'? Maybe my mind doesn't work right, but that's a dead giveaway there.

Are you implying that it's an example of this?

Though I find if male writers are constructing a fantasy female character, they tend to go with exotic names (suppose it's all part of the fantasy.)

syklops

"I could feel my d!ck getting hard. I looked down. Fu*k. Then she looked down. "

A guy wouldnt look down. He wouldnt need to. Just like a girl never needs to 'check' if she is wet.

She leaned into me; “naughty boy,” she whispered.
Fu*k. I shifted slightly, using the hand in my pocket to get control of the thing.

I know us men can be up and down like a lift, but I dont think it would suddenly ping out just because she is hot and is being flirty. He would feel stirring, but I dont think anyting visible to her.

She fell against the desk, holding onto it for support

I think even if she was "in the zone" she would still have the wherewithal to aim for the bed.

I watched on as he lifted her onto the desk

Again, there is a bed right there, why did he plonk her on the desk? They might look good in films but they are not comfy at all.

All in all its a bit sad. She came up to the author and they were flirting, but the asshole of a house mate gets the whole nine yards.

pickarooney

http://www.hackerfactor.com/GenderGuesser.php#Analyze

"Weak male or female" according to the Gender guesser. It actually knew hcass was a woman writing as a weak male European narrator