Cheating - why does it happen?

I am a friend

Was just thinking about cheating a bit (the act and not actually cheating myself ) and wonder why it happens.. Boredom? Incompatibility? Laziness??

Any ideas why people cheat? Is there any circumstances in which its acceptable?

BTW, I dont want this to be a cheat bashing thread - its moreso to get views on why it happens.

howsyourtusk

One theory I'd put forward is that monogamous relations are a relatively new thing, associated with the nuclear family and the advent of a modern capitalist society. So it's not necessarily an instinctual reaction to want to be committed to one person for a long period of time. So people end up suppressing their urges to have sex with others, this sort of thing can manifest itself in many different ways, depression, guilt, mild distraction or cheating perhaps.

That doesn't excuse cheating in my eyes. I think I'd fall into the category of people who just don't believe monogamous relationships meet all my needs. Yet I've had those types of relationships and never seriously cheated on someone (kissed a girl once when I was 16 and had been in an agreement with another girl :P). Because if you sign up for something like that you assume the other person is only interested in the monogamous aspect and therefore cheating would hurt them.

I think as society develops people will start returning to more non-traditional relationships and these problems will be less problematic say! And there's nothing wrong with monogamous relationships either, before someone gives out to me and says that's a selfish attitude or something.

Wibbs

All of the above I reckon. Another one I've noticed is not so much the sex part, but the emotional attention and being wanted. Contrary to popular belief I've noticed men in long termers who cheat rarely do it for the sex it's nearly always this emotional attention and respect that they lack at home. I've had women I've known completely mystified when they find out their bloke is cheating and I'm equally mystified as to why they are. These would be relationships where the woman rarely stops nagging the bloke, never gives him a break. So if some other woman shows up and doesn't do this, it's hardly a shock. Different sex drives in a couple yet another one. Funny enough and again agin popular belief I've known way more women who cheated because their sex life had dried up at home.

Most of all I reckon if you're looking for a reasons why people cheat, look to what's missing in the primary relationship. If it's sexual the cheater seeks that elsewhere and ditto with the emotional. Indeed I'd reckon there's more emotional cheating going on, but it's not as visible, nor considered as beyond the pale so is more often ignored.

Wibbs

howsyourtusk wrote: »

One theory I'd put forward is that monogamous relations are a relatively new thing, associated with the nuclear family and the advent of a modern capitalist society.

I dunno about that. Monogamy has a very long history way before any notion of the modern capitalist society. Fears of sexual infidelity go back to the very start of written history.

There is the other theory that goes we lived so much shorter lives in the past so "for life" meant a very different thing. I'd call shenanigans on that too. Yes childhood mortality was very high and pregnancy and birth was significantly more risky for women so more died, but outside of the middle ages people could expect to see 60 or 70 pretty regularly. And they married younger. So barring calamity a couple could quite easily spend 45 years or more together(EG married off at 15, dying at 60).

Then there is the theory backed up by quite a bit of research that humans have a reproductive/mating cycle. One that lasts between 3 and 4 years at it's peak. The so called honeymoon period. A cycle that insures lots of nookie in the early days to achieve pregnancy and enough love left over for any child produced to be nearly weaned when it wanes. There's likely something in this. Just look at how many couples falter at the 3/4 year mark. However people clearly stay around for longer than this so it's at best a part of the picture. IMHO what likely makes the diff in this are children. All things being equal in a young and fertile couple before reliable contraception they would get preggers very early on and just as the initial rush of the honeymoon period was waning it would be "replaced" by the usually very strong parental love with a side order of shared history, affection and friendship. In modern couples who usually delay having kids beyond this timeframe they're relying more on the shared history, affection and friendship.

That may explain split ups, but not cheating. Though both mean the honeymoon period is over. I've never and I mean never knew of a man or woman who ever strayed when they were actually in the in love stage. They were either never in love in the first place, or had passed that stage. So if they say they "love their partners" even though they cheat, they're not "in love" with their partners

End ramble

howsyourtusk

Interesting post. I meant that the pressure for monogamy maybe wasn't there until the development of a nuclear family. I'm not a sociologist or anthropologist so my analysis might not be correct but I do feel that the pressure for monogamy runs counter to instinct. But I must read up more on this sort of thing, can you recommend anything Wibbs?

I am a friend

So do you think that men and women cheat for different reasons... i think for women, the sexual aspect is strongly linked to emotional closeness with their partner and once this is lacking they look for it elsewhere? Whereas men can be getting sexual fulfilment in a relationship but not emotional (as they can be separate aspects to men but normally entwined for women?)?

howsyourtusk

I'm sorry, but that is such rubbish. I'm a man and sex and emotion fulfillment are completely linked for me. Do you really believe such generalisations?

krudler

I am a friend wrote: »

So do you think that men and women cheat for different reasons... i think for women, the sexual aspect is strongly linked to emotional closeness with their partner and once this is lacking they look for it elsewhere? Whereas men can be getting sexual fulfilment in a relationship but not emotional (as they are separate aspects to men but normally entwined for women?)?

I find sex is way better with someone I'm attached to, not that its not fun anyway but when its with someone you fancy and get on really well with its way better than some drunken randomer. I couldnt imagine throwing away a relationship on a drunk shag.

I am a friend

howsyourtusk wrote: »

I'm sorry, but that is such rubbish. I'm a man and sex and emotion fulfillment are completely linked for me. Do you really believe such generalisations?

No need for the attack :eek:

I realise my post comes across as a statement on all men which was not intended and has been amended since.:rolleyes:

howsyourtusk

I didn't attack you, I said, that is such rubbish.

I am a friend

howsyourtusk wrote: »

I didn't attack you, I said, that is such rubbish.

'that' = my comments

candy-gal1

howsyourtusk wrote: »

I'm sorry, but that is such rubbish. I'm a man and sex and emotion fulfillment are completely linked for me. Do you really believe such generalisations?

plus a million on this
im a girl but have been told on many occaisons that i have 100% a mans mind, separating sex and love etc.
but, i have never cheated, there is no point to it imho, your going out with someone then your with them, love them and dont ever want to hurt them and try your absolute best that you dont hurt them.
if feelings or sexual fun is gone in the relationship and theres absolutly no way of getting it back then you break up in as best a way as possable, no need to cheat tbh.

howsyourtusk

I am a friend wrote: »

'that' = my comments

Attack the post not the poster, I done that. Report my post if you had a problem with it

Wibbs

howsyourtusk wrote: »

Interesting post. I meant that the pressure for monogamy maybe wasn't there until the development of a nuclear family.

The nuclear family is a pretty old tradition/cultural construct too.

I'm not a sociologist or anthropologist so my analysis might not be correct but I do feel that the pressure for monogamy runs counter to instinct.

Depends on what instinct you look at. EG human children require a very long period of parenting. Highest in the animal world IIRC. It would make sense to to have a stable pairing of parents over that time.

But I must read up more on this sort of thing, can you recommend anything Wibbs?

Not off the top of my head. Biiig subject.

I am a friend wrote:

So do you think that men and women cheat for different reasons... i think for women, the sexual aspect is strongly linked to emotional closeness with their partner and once this is lacking they look for it elsewhere? Whereas men can be getting sexual fulfilment in a relationship but not emotional (as they can be separate aspects to men but normally entwined for women?)?

I dunno about that TBH. I've known plenty of women to cheat for sexual fulfillment no emotion attached. I know one woman who is still more emotionally connected to one of her exes than her partner. She just doesn't fancy the ex anymore. Plus I've known a fair few women who sought out emotional closeness with men who weren't their partner minus the sex. I think men and women cheat for the same reasons, but sometimes in a different manner.

Wibbs

OK lets move on folks

jeep37

howsyourtusk wrote: »

One theory I'd put forward is that monogamous relations are a relatively new thing, associated with the nuclear family and the advent of a modern capitalist society. So it's not necessarily an instinctual reaction to want to be committed to one person for a long period of time.

Monogamy has been the established order among humans for tens of thousands of years. To associate it exclusively with "modern capitalist society" is unthinkably absurd, as capitalist ideology is one of the main instigators in bringing about the fastest decline of the nuclear family structure in history, as we're seeing now.

howsyourtusk wrote: »

I think I'd fall into the category of people who just don't believe monogamous relationships meet all my needs. Yet I've had those types of relationships and never seriously cheated on someone (kissed a girl once when I was 16 and had been in an agreement with another girl :P). Because if you sign up for something like that you assume the other person is only interested in the monogamous aspect and therefore cheating would hurt them.

You need to re-think your "beliefs" as not being yours but as being subtle programming you've picked up in your upbringing. These "needs" are the exact cause of cheating, and no they are not biological. Believe it or not, but there is a campaign successfully being implemented to destroy the family unit in the West by way of demoralizing and over-sexualizing society.

howsyourtusk wrote: »

I think as society develops people will start returning to more non-traditional relationships and these problems will be less problematic say! And there's nothing wrong with monogamous relationships either, before someone gives out to me and says that's a selfish attitude or something.

This is confusing, because you've already stated that polyamorous relationships were traditionally the norm, and that monogamous relationships are a modern social construct, so it's hard to understand what you are referring to as "non-traditional relationships". I think what you are saying is that the destruction of the family unit is a good thing. I can tell you with certainty it is absolutely not; it destabilized society and renders people totally reliant on government, so that when the imminent global financial collapse occurs, we are completely hopeless and have no choice but to submit.

howsyourtusk

Traditional in the sense you'd describe tradition right? I wouldn't have to guess which tradition that is either. Submit to what exactly?

jeep37

howsyourtusk wrote: »

Traditional in the sense you'd describe tradition right? I wouldn't have to guess which tradition that is either. Submit to what exactly?

Global enslavement of the masses by the elite few. Read "The protocols of the learned elders of zion" to find out exactly what I'm talking about.

howsyourtusk

That book is a fake. It's anti-semetic fabrication. Post reported.

krudler

jeep37 wrote: »

Monogamy has been the established order among humans for tens of thousands of years. To associate it exclusively with "modern capitalist society" is unthinkably absurd, as capitalist ideology is one of the main instigators in bringing about the fastest decline of the nuclear family structure in history, as we're seeing now.

except in countries where multiple wives is commonplace, and has been for tens of thousands of years.

howsyourtusk

krudler wrote: »

except in countries where multiple wives is commonplace, and has been for tens of thousands of years.

I think he's trapped in some sort of judeo-christian wet dream, I wouldn't bother trying to persuade him otherwise.

Ickle Magoo

jeep37 taking a permanent vacation for yet more trolling - unsurprisingly, touting anti-semetic hoaxes is not welcome here.

Could posters please remember this is the Ladies Lounge - primarily a forum for the female posters of boards to discuss issues from their perspective.

Many thanks.

prettygurrly

I dont think it's possible to give one or even a couple of reasons why people cheat on their partners. I know the reason why mine cheated on me was I had moved country and probably the lack of my presence made it feel less like cheating. He used various reasons but as a person he was pretty fickle. However, nothing is ever that simple and I think it took space to realise we weren't meant for each other.

Other people (only lads though) that I know have cheated is because they can. They usually have really pretty girlfriends who either are unaware of the player they're with or just choose to stay with him because he's good looking. There's also a very strong ethos in nightclubs that it's fine to go home with someone you've just met. I'm not denying that I haven't done that when I was younger but now from the lofty heights of 28 I can see how damaging this immediate access to sex can be. If we didn't have a culture of it being socially acceptable to have a one night stand we probably wouldn't have lads keeping a girlfriend while having booty calls on nights when he doesn't see her.

People who are older and cheat may be a product of this lack of inhibition in their twenties where there is still a part of them that believes it's acceptableto behave in that manner. Other than that I agree with previous posters about emotional attachment or lack of sex. However, I think some people, particularly men, are predisposed to this egomaniac personality. And if there's kids involved, god help them.

howsyourtusk

Why should we have a culture that looks down on one night stands? What exactly is wrong with doing something you like when everyone consents? There's a lot of anti-male stuff in your post as well. So many generalisations.

Ickle Magoo

howsyourtusk, could please stop challenging every single poster on this thread. You've made your points, have the courtesy to allow others to do the same.

prettygurrly

i'm actually anti a particular TYPE of male. I would never generalise as that would mean that I'm with a player currently, which I'm not. In fact I was just trying to give a point of view that I have experienced in my late teens early 20s.
I did say that I have partaken in one night stands but my point was as a result I can see how damaging it can be. You go home with someone you've only just met they can choose to tell you if they have a girlfriend or not. It's easier to lie for only a few hours than a few weeks. Now obviously if you dont know he has a girlfriend then you're not doing anything consciously wrong and it's his decision to cheat on his gf but the whole situation wouldn't happen so easily if the accepatibility of one night stands hadn't occurred. That is all I was trying to say. Way to go on making someone disinterested in having a conversation with you. *unfollow thread*

howsyourtusk

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

howsyourtusk, could please stop challenging every single poster on this thread. You've made your points, have the courtesy to allow others to do the same.

Apologies!

Adamas

candy-gal1 wrote: »

plus a million on this
im a girl but have been told on many occaisons that i have 100% a mans mind, separating sex and love etc.
but, i have never cheated, there is no point to it imho, your going out with someone then your with them, love them and dont ever want to hurt them and try your absolute best that you dont hurt them.
if feelings or sexual fun is gone in the relationship and theres absolutly no way of getting it back then you break up in as best a way as possable, no need to cheat tbh.

There are so many different types of men and women from a psychological point of view, that it's not really possible to categorise all men or women in a 'lump' as to why they cheat.

Some women drop their drawers at a minutes notice, and others don't. Some men think with their big head and some with their small, and some don't, and that can vary with how much they grow up as they get older, or not. The same goes for women, depending on what deck of their anatomy is running the show.

Despite all the promised blessings of what dreams feminism was going to miraculously provide, female instincts are no different now than they were a thousand years ago, and neither are men's, though a lot of money has been earned by the few at the cost of the many on what the dream promised. Like most 'dreams' we are sold, they tend to evaporate once the cold light of day comes on.


While attitudes may change behaviours for a while, you will still answer to the ancient bell of your genetic base nature no matter what, and it's this cultural conflict and confusion of the mind that causes so much harm when it comes to men and women.
Human beings, both male and female, require security, and sex can enhance the bonds of security if respect comes into the picture, but it's only a sort of manipulative bondage otherwise, as there's two sides to everything.

The problem is that we tend to confuse the words 'sex' and 'love' as though they are somehow synonymous, which they are not. We talk about 'making love' when we are not, we are just doing the rumpy-pumpy, shagging, fu**ing, or whatever you might call it, but love usually has little or nothing to do with it. Confusing sex and love is not sane, but then again if we don't even consider what false ideas we are brainwashing ourselves with, then we just go for whatever form of norm is served up to us, with predictable consequences, mostly not very good.


A good friend of mine hit the nail on the head for me maybe a decade ago when discussing this subject, and said "If sex and love were the same thing, how would prostitutes ever make money?". I admit that it struck me as and odd thing to think, not because it was wrong, but because I'd never quite worked it our before, but the more I thought about it, and based on what it caused me to consider since, along with wider experience, I see the point of what he said practically every day.

Quite a lot of the time we are in lust, not love, especially when we are young, as we don't know any differently, and as love is reasoned respect and sex is simply shagging, then time will tell if both will co-exist. If they can or do, then you have the best of both worlds, and if they don't you probably have the death of one and the remains of the other. How long you can put up with the remnant of the scent of one, before the whiff of the other drives you away, will depend on circumstances and motivation.

Mistake

As an unfaithful spouse the only excuse i can offer is that I succumbed to the flirtations of a colleague due to my desire for an emotional and physical connection. I should not have sought these outside my marriage. Cheating is like a drug and it possesses an inordinate capacity to facilitate delusion. It is incredibly surreal.

Adamas

Mistake wrote: »

As an unfaithful spouse the only excuse i can offer is that I succumbed to the flirtations of a colleague due to my desire for an emotional and physical connection. I should not have sought these outside my marriage. Cheating is like a drug and it possesses an inordinate capacity to facilitate delusion. It is incredibly surreal.

I can be incredibly powerful right enough. Then again, it begs the question as to what was not in the marriage that causes one or other to lose control and risk everything for the unknown. Reason? Lack of it?

PK2008

A combination of boredom and opportunity are probably the most likely reasons

LauraFoXX

I have to say that I recon it's a mix between the desire for something new and just feeling too confined within your own relationship. Of course it varies for everyone but I would imagine these are two of the most likely reasons.

BraziliaNZ

It was always ego for me, perhaps a kind of insecurity I had in the past that made me want to validate myself by proving that women wanted to sleep with me. After a while with a girlfriend that would wear off and I'd need that validation from elsewhere. Also just for the base pleasure and instant gratification. The thrill of being caught up in the moment, it's almost like taking drugs or getting hammered for no reason, where your mind is totally focused on what you are doing and the thoughts in your head ar pushed away for a brief moment. I never had any hang ups with casual anonymous sex, but some people do. I'd like to think should I ever settle down that the partner I settle with will be everything I need.

A Primal Nut

It's not always as complicated as people make out. Sometimes a guy meet a girl who seems up for it and the guy just can't help himself coz he's horny! Probably wakes up guilty the next day.

Others have a strong willingness to find someone else and I suppose there are other reasons for that. But most people over-complicate when explaining these things.

A guy could have a perfect relationship, but get a chance to have sex with a hot girl and some will take it, some won't. Depends on the guy's personality, really.

LauraFoXX

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

It was always ego for me, perhaps a kind of insecurity I had in the past that made me want to validate myself by proving that women wanted to sleep with me. After a while with a girlfriend that would wear off and I'd need that validation from elsewhere. Also just for the base pleasure and instant gratification. The thrill of being caught up in the moment, it's almost like taking drugs or getting hammered for no reason, where your mind is totally focused on what you are doing and the thoughts in your head ar pushed away for a brief moment. I never had any hang ups with casual anonymous sex, but some people do. I'd like to think should I ever settle down that the partner I settle with will be everything I need.

I completely agree with what you say about validation. I feel the same way, I even liked the thrill of having it my little secret... I
understand that it hurts people, but I guess that maybe you don't fully care about the person you're with if you slip into the world of cheating nd lies.

Fiona

I am a friend wrote: »

i think for women, the sexual aspect is strongly linked to emotional closeness with their partner and once this is lacking they look for it elsewhere?

I would agree with this. If the woman can't communicate with her partner for whatever reason, can't speak to them / will speak but they are not listening... then yes if there is shoulder to cry on elsewhere it can lead to cheating.

Bambii_

From a personal experience, I cheated in a previous relationship. I did it because I felt unwanted and uncherished and I was going through a tough time with family problems and my then boyfriend wasn't being very supportive. He'd often cancel plans with me for friends, and didn't really make time for me. I then turned to my friend for support and he seemed to understand and talking to him really helped me. We started to spend more time together and got closer. On one particular night I had a row with my mam and refused to come home. My boyfriend didn't care and my friend offered me a place to stay. I had too much to drink, and he was being really supportive, and we ended up sleeping together. It continued for less than a week. I felt emotional attached to him as he cared, while my then boyfriend didn't. I cheated out of needing someone to care, I know its no excuse and if I wasn't happy in a relationship I should of ended it, but I did care about my then boyfriend. I felt really guilty about the whole thing and ended up stopping what was going on and telling my then boyfriend. In the end, Karma got the best, my then boyfriend's friends gave him the option of keep seeing me and stop seeing them or vice versa, he chose them, and my friend completely changed after the whole thing and we stopped talking. I felt so guilty about what I've done, but it's a life lesson. I know I could never cheat again because it's wrong and the guilt is unbearable, and that sexual relationships with friends don't end well. I realize that my ex wasn't the guy for me and we are better off without each other.

I just wanted to share that as my experience of why I cheated and what I learned from it. I think there are better ways of learning the same lessons, but that was how I came to experience them. There are no cheating situations that are "acceptable". Cheating itself is horrible, hurtful and unacceptable, I now know and understand that.

My current boyfriend also cheated on me, but I hoping he feels as bad as I did about it and won't do it again. I don't believe in the saying "Once a cheated always a cheater". Everyone deserves a second chance, but only one second chance.