New Baby/Row and Disagreements with inlaws

foxinsox

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

Dad11

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

foxinsox wrote: »

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

foxinsox

Dad11 wrote: »

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

I have read the thread from the start.

I do understand why you have reason to be pissed off.

But the main reason I typed what I did above was to try and help.

Honestly if you love your wife and baby you need to do whatever it takes to get this sorted.

This has gone beyond a "little" family row..

This could go on for years and make all involved very unhappy.


You could be much happier being wrong rather than being miserable and being right.

I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Go talk to your wife.

doubletrouble?

dad i think what you and your family need to do is take a break away from everyone and everything whether it's a week away or just w/e break. unfortunately blood is thicker than water and i'm afraid your wife is piggy in the middle torn between the man she loves and her family who have been there all her life.it sounds as though anytime she spends time with her family she comes home worse than when she first went out.you both need a break away where theres no one to bend your wifes ear and you both need to have a heart to heart. but you have to do it soon before her family turns her completely against you. this is just the impression i'm getting from reading your posts.

Dad11

I do know what you are saying, but unfortunately I cant do what you are suggesting. That would be equally be as bad. My wife is speaking to a Solicitor friend as we speak. :'( its past the point now of no return. To be told this morning that she loves me and laughing at 9:00 pm and by 9:40 pm she was on phone to Solicitor. I cant do anymore! Im concerned for my little boy now whom I love so much!

foxinsox wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

I have read the thread from the start.

I do understand why you have reason to be pissed off.

But the main reason I typed what I did above was to try and help.

Honestly if you love your wife and baby you need to do whatever it takes to get this sorted.

This has gone beyond a "little" family row..

This could go on for years and make all involved very unhappy.


You could be much happier being wrong rather than being miserable and being right.

I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Go talk to your wife.

Dad11

Guys thanks to everyone here for support and feedback. I have done everything I feel I possibly can to fix things! I know my wife is in the middle but she does not in anyway see my point of view at all. Its killing me that this Family is breaking up, but our differences are just too much! There really has been no acknowledgment that her Family has behaved poorly at any stage and I cant live my life ruled by her family!

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it!

Sorry I'm not sure what this mean. I'm guessing that your wife hadn't done some laundry that you wanted and you were annoyed, she said she didn't have time to do it and you implied she would have had plenty of time if she wasn't visiting her mother. Is that right?

Lisa2011

foxinsox wrote: »

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

hey there why should he apologize for being an ass when he was not one. He may have said some stuff to the mother in law which might have been out of line but its not easy to shut up when you are constantly being watched like a hawk and being told your doing things wrong in raising your child.

He has his priorities straight he wants to keep his family together.

Its about time that the mother in law takes a step back and realizes her daughter has a life of her own and also that as a grandmother she has no right or authority to tell her daughter or son in law how to raise their child.

I bet his mother does not interfere in his relationship with the wife.

There is a child involved here and I am sorry to say that actions do speak louder than words and the actions of the in laws give off the impression they are not putting the interests of the child first.

I advise Dad11 to stand his ground with the inlaws

Dad11

No I dont expect my wife.to be doing Laundry or my Laundry. My wife was giving out that she.does.not have time for it. I pointed out that she was out of the house between 2:00pm and and 9:00 pm.

iguana wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it!

Sorry I'm not sure what this mean. I'm guessing that your wife hadn't done some laundry that you wanted and you were annoyed, she said she didn't have time to do it and you implied she would have had plenty of time if she wasn't visiting her mother. Is that right?

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

No I dont expect my wife.to be doing Laundry or my Laundry. My wife was giving out that she.does.not have time for it. I pointed out that she was out of the house between 2:00pm and and 9:00 pm.

Are you sure that, that comment wasn't construed by your wife to be a criticism of the fact that she hasn't done the laundry? Looking at it from her point of view she is clearly very tired as a few days ago she asked her mother to babysit so she could sleep for a few hours. Now due to her mother's behaviour she doesn't have that option any more. She's tired, she's probably still very hormonal, she is stuck in the middle of things between you and her family, and probably felt that very strongly today having to tell her brother to find other storage, and she can no longer have access to a small but important support her mother was providing in letting her sleep.

I believe that you didn't mean it as a criticism but I also believe that your wife feels it was. It might have been best to say something like, 'I know, you are doing a great job looking after our son, the laundry isn't important and we can take a stab at it together at the weekend.' Instead of pointing out why she doesn't have time for it.

Seriously, please, please try and look at it from her perspective. Go and tell her you really didn't mean to criticise her, that you love her and vow to stop letting your problems with her family come between you and her. And then stop doing it. Of course you won't be doing favours for people who have threatened you, of course you can't have a woman who refuses to talk to you mind your son. But please get into damage control with your marriage and stop letting your feelings for her family ruin your family. Because if nothing else just imagine the smiles on her family member's faces when she tells them you are splitting up. Do you really want to let them win?

Lola92

I understand you do not want to 'grovel' to your MIL. Fine, that is your decision. What you have to realise at this point though is that you could potentially lose your family if you do not find some resolution and sort things out with your wife.

As new parents you undoubtedly both tired, worried stressed and probably a little bit thrown from the changes a new baby brings to your life. And all of that is without the family drama. I advise you to take the day off tomorrow if at all possible, look after your son and allow your wife to have some time off to think things over and feel like a person again.

It is not worth losing your family over pride and some silly argument with the mother in law. What has done cannot be undone so try to bear that in mind. Don't fly off the handle, don't argue just be calm and understanding.Give her some space for the day. Then in the evening let her speak her mind and give yourself time to digest it all and properly understand what she has said.

Try not to bring up the whole situation with your MIL as she is obviously still upset by the fact that you went home, feelings are all over the place in the first week or two and putting her in the middle of that argument again can not really help matters.

cofy

Is it possible that your wife was with her mother for so long today because she was trying to salvage a relationship with her, after telling her that her behaviour towards you was unacceptable.

You must both be absolutely exhaused.

I really do hope you work thing out.

Dad11

She is going to a Solicitor in the morning. What do you expect I can do to stop that ? My job is important as I am the only one working! Im heartbroken but what can I do. I cant stop her!

Lola92 wrote: »

I understand you do not want to 'grovel' to your MIL. Fine, that is your decision. What you have to realise at this point though is that you could potentially lose your family if you do not find some resolution and sort things out with your wife.

As new parents you undoubtedly both tired, worried stressed and probably a little bit thrown from the changes a new baby brings to your life. And all of that is without the family drama. I advise you to take the day off tomorrow if at all possible, look after your son and allow your wife to have some time off to think things over and feel like a person again.

It is not worth losing your family over pride and some silly argument with the mother in law. What has done cannot be undone so try to bear that in mind. Don't fly off the handle, don't argue just be calm and understanding.Give her some space for the day. Then in the evening let her speak her mind and give yourself time to digest it all and properly understand what she has said.

Try not to bring up the whole situation with your MIL as she is obviously still upset by the fact that you went home, feelings are all over the place in the first week or two and putting her in the middle of that argument again can not really help matters.

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

She is going to a Solicitor in the morning. What do you expect I can do to stop that ? My job is important as I am the only one working! Im heartbroken but what can I do. I cant stop her!

Well you certainly can't if you don't try, can you? Go to her and tell her how heartbroken you will be if your marriage ends and start to talk honestly with her about how you can go forward.

Dad11

Absolutely wrecked and emotionally screwed up for life

cofy wrote: »

Is it possible that your wife was with her mother for so long today because she was trying to salvage a relationship with her, after telling her that her behaviour towards you was unacceptable.

You must both be absolutely exhaused.

I really do hope you work thing out.

cofy

Dad11 wrote: »

Absolutely wrecked and emotionally screwed up for life

Not necessarily, but there will have to be compromise on both sides.

eqwjewoiujqorj

Am I the only one who doesn't believe a word from the OP?

It's way over the top.

The OP always has a new episode to report to up the ante - wife is now going to the solicitor in the morning.

The OP says he has been with his wife for 12 years - this would mean he is in his late twenties / early thirties.

Does the posts he has made sound like those of a mature person?

Maybe he is immature but could everyone in the story be so?

Threats, divorce, assault, solicitors, access?

Sorry, I don't believe any of it.

She constantly kept correcting me and taking over in certain situtations
My mother in law followed me out to the kitchen and poked me into the chest
I broke down
They just dont seem to be able to see past this at all.
Wife's nephew got involved and threathened me
wife has since moved home
her family are ignoring me
They just dont seem to be able to see past this at all.
Well I have already apologised. This was met with a response of "That I will never be forgiven for my behaviour and that I am a bad person"
I can see.us heading in one.way. Divorce
My wife stayed there 2 days longer than me and I couldnt really get to see my son during this time at any stage etc
My wife got very angry and abusive! I was trying to talk calmly. She.kept calling me a weirdo
At 9:00pmwe were laughing then by 9:30 pm tonight she was talking to me about aranging access to Elliott
My wife is speaking to a Solicitor friend as we speak
She is going to a Solicitor in the morning
Absolutely wrecked and emotionally screwed up for life

Anniebell

Hi Dad11,

I've read most of the replies but skimmed some so apologies if I'm repeating.

Firstly, congrats on your new baby, it's life-changing in every way for both you & your wife. How old is your baby now? I have a 10 week old & he's my second and it's been a mad few weeks!

I might sound overly emotional about things but you will never get this special time with your newborn back. You, your wife & your little baby are a new family unit now & you need time as a three to get to know this new person in your lives that you created. Do you want to look back in a few months and have your memories of your new baby tainted by this row that had completely escalated way out of control?

I know you've been incredibly hurt by your wife's family & their actions but you MUST try try try to communicate with your wife how much you want to be together. Reading your posts makes me so sad for you & your wife, you should be enjoying every minute of your newborn baby together, not living apart and fighting.

Just a minor thing but it's incredibly isolating when the daddy goes back to work and mammy is left to look after a tiny baby by herself. She needs to be around people who can help her during the day, She's still recovering physically from the birth & the exhaustion and tiredness is like nothing else. Housework is very loyal, it'll always hang around waiting to be done! Baby is number one priority & when daddy is back at work, mammy spends every minute looking after baby, sometimes doesn't get a chance to shower, have something to eat or even get dressed, unless there is someone else to mind baby while she gets organised!

I understand that you need to work, but if at all possible, you need to take some time off to sort things out with your wife. Things sound so out of control between you two & you need to sort things out ASAP. You can be sure she doesn't want to split up either but both of your emotions are all over the place, how desperate must she feel about the whole situation that going to a solicitor is her only option in her eyes?

It probably doesn't help but in my situation my partner went back to work when babs was less than a week old & I had our older daughter to look after too. I was shattered from the birth, night-feeds etc & I didn't have the emotional upheaval of a massive row between us resulting in me being left in the house to look after babs on my own. I needed support and help & luckily I had family who came most days for a few hours to make me lunch, dinner, a cup of tea, whatever I needed. If my family couldn't have come over I wouldve gone to them! This is why the housework didn't get done but my kids were looked after. My partner never once mentioned the fact that the house looked like a bomb hit it most days & if he had said anything you can be sure I would have taken it as a dig & not been one bit impressed.

Went on a bit there about me, sorry!

Basically, your situation is gone spiralling way out of control & it needs to be sorted out now. Take time off work immediately, talk to your wife face to face, away from her family & sort this mess you've found both yourselves in out ASAP. Neither of you want to split up, you should be treasuring every minute with your new baby together, not fighting. Forget about the row with her family for now. Trust me, you'll regret missing out on your baby's first few weeks in this crazy world. Realistically you're not going to get away for a break with your wife for a while yet, but you do need to talk so talk talk talk & for god's sake don't have her going to a solicitor and initiating proceedings for a divorce neither of you want deep down.

Best of luck with everything, I hope you and your wife can patch things up & get back on track.

jimmycrackcorm

Dad11 wrote: »

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

Were you trying hard here:

We argued for a while today because her brother who threatened me apparently was storing some furniture in our shed. I had agreed to this a few weeks ago, however after the threat and me explaining to my wife that he was not welcome in my house unless he apologised. I had assumed that my wife would have worked it out for herself that that previous agreement was a non runner.

On these forums we always get to hear only one side of a story but then something slips through that shows there is two sides. In this case you added an antagonistic factor in putting her brother in a difficult position about the furniture.

Of course you feel justified in the light of what he said to you but you really need to chill out and realise that, like your own family, you are stuck with these people for life and that in the medium to long term, this is just a blip to be forgotten. At the rate you are going, you will end up divorced and how will that suit your child?

Just let it go. It'll all be forgotten in a short while. Families have fights and get over them whether it's your own family or the one you have acquired.

Hannibal Smith

Your solicitors office was open at 9pm at night?

Here's what I think lol

- there was no need for you to insist the brother's stuff to go. To me that was like an attempt to further antagonise things and reignite the row. And it backfired

- the issue about the laundry is a red herring...these types of arguments happen.

- get over your need to have every one side with you. It isn't going to happen. Your wife loves her mum and her family and its so unfair that she is stuck in the middle like this by all involved. (though part of me is wondering whether you feel guilty about what happened and you need others to justify it for you).

As no one is willing to make any gesture to move things forward, if I was you, I would forget the inlaws, for now. Like someone else said you are not going to get this time with your son back. Your wife needs your support now. She is as wrecked as you (if not more so depending on the birth) and the two of you need to work together during this very difficult part of parenting.

So put the inlaws in a box (metaphorically not literally ), accepting that your wife is going to have contact with them, and concentrate on your little family. Nothing else matters at this time. Then you can revisit this issue further down the line.

Would you please at least buy your wife some flowers!

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Ok dad.
If it were me, for the sake of your child, suck it all up. Do what you wife and in laws want. keep a close eye on the child care and get involved as much as you can and keep your lip buttoned.

It's either that or take the road to complete family breakdown.

I can't see that you are making any progress on here.

I think I can understand your position, but none of us on here know the full story any your personality. And to be honest it's crossed my mind if this was all a total wind up, hoping it's not.

My very best wishes to you.

looksee

I'm a bit inclined to agree that there is a certain amount of creativity going on here now. The solicitor stuff is nonsense, at worst wife was talking to a friend who happens to be a solicitor. The stuff in the shed is nonsense, who would make an issue of furniture in a emotional crisis situation? If you did then you are just attention seeking op.

I think there was an issue there to start with, now it is being embroidered and decorated for entertainment. If there is any truth in it, then I don't blame your wife for being out of the house for hours at a time, all this drama must be very hard to live with.

Lisa2011

eqwjewoiujqorj wrote: »

Am I the only one who doesn't believe a word from the OP?

It's way over the top.

The OP always has a new episode to report to up the ante - wife is now going to the solicitor in the morning.

The OP says he has been with his wife for 12 years - this would mean he is in his late twenties / early thirties.

Does the posts he has made sound like those of a mature person?

Maybe he is immature but could everyone in the story be so?

Threats, divorce, assault, solicitors, access?

Sorry, I don't believe any of it.

Well you better believe it because I know more about it than you do as my mother has witnessed the behavior of the mother in law first hand

You might ask how I know and that is because I am the sister

Do you think he is lying just to get attention?

We all know there is people you can get on with but cant live with and the mother in law is one of them. She does not know how to step back and let them be like my mother does.

Also other members of my family especially my grandmother has witnessed the mother in laws behavior as regards to interfering so its your choice if you don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe it either but its true.

Lisa2011

looksee wrote: »

I'm a bit inclined to agree that there is a certain amount of creativity going on here now. The solicitor stuff is nonsense, at worst wife was talking to a friend who happens to be a solicitor. The stuff in the shed is nonsense, who would make an issue of furniture in a emotional crisis situation? If you did then you are just attention seeking op.

I think there was an issue there to start with, now it is being embroidered and decorated for entertainment. If there is any truth in it, then I don't blame your wife for being out of the house for hours at a time, all this drama must be very hard to live with.

All the drama must be hard to live with I agree with you but as I said my mother has witnessed it and my sister in laws mother is the cause of it. She cant let her daughter live her life.

Kash

eqwjewoiujqorj wrote: »

Am I the only one who doesn't believe a word from the OP?

Despite initial misgivings, I gave him the benefit of the doubt up until about 4 pages ago, and even offered advice, but given the constant degeneration of the situation and ongoing plot twists, I'm sure it's fantasy.

So now I am simply subscribed to see where it gets to next. An altercation with the brother-in-law? A sympathetic sister-in-law? Sex and violence for the win! Pity we only have his side of the story, it would be great to get a bigger cast list!

If it is genuinely a real issue, then I am amazed that the OP puts his pride before his family. Can't grovel, my arse. My baby girl isn't even born yet, and I already know that I would crawl over broken glass to become a sycophantic lickspittle if it meant she would be happy.

Hannibal Smith

Dad11....Lisa2011....if granny2011 wades in I'm sending this thread to the writers of eastenders

cofy

When it comes to groveling - in my experience "grovelling" to Mother-in-law becomes "choosing your battles wisely". My husband thinks that I am too nice for my own good, when it comes to his mother.

Lisa2011

Kash wrote: »

Despite initial misgivings, I gave him the benefit of the doubt up until about 4 pages ago, and even offered advice, but given the constant degeneration of the situation and ongoing plot twists, I'm sure it's fantasy.

So now I am simply subscribed to see where it gets to next. An altercation with the brother-in-law? A sympathetic sister-in-law? Sex and violence for the win! Pity we only have his side of the story, it would be great to get a bigger cast list!

If it is genuinely a real issue, then I am amazed that the OP puts his pride before his family. Can't grovel, my arse. My baby girl isn't even born yet, and I already know that I would crawl over broken glass to become a sycophantic lickspittle if it meant she would be happy.

Its not fantasy if nobody wants to believe any of this is true that's fine and I know you only have one side of the story so that's why people are hesitant. My mother tried to have a normal conversation with the mother in law but she would not shut up she was ranting and shouting and my mother could see my sister in law was stressed because of her mothers behavior

She even admitted she could not wait to get back to her own home because had issues with her mother.

You don't want to believe this it doesn't bother me but I don' tell lies

Squiggler

Those of you who don't believe that this story could be true should count yourselves VERY lucky. What Dad11 has described is minor compared to the experience of some of my friends and their families.

Unless the wife asserts her independence and stands up for her new family I don't think anything the OP does will fix the situation, or even improve it.

"Blood is thicker than water" - I cannot express how much I hate that phrase because of the dreadful things I've heard it used to excuse in this country, including covering up serious violent and sexual crime. "Oh, we knew that X raped that girl, but we stuck by him because blood is thicker than water"... that type of attitude makes my blood boil. This idea that family can do no wrong... and you HAVE to stick with them no matter what - what horse manure!

Nobody should allow their family to abuse, bully or disprespect their loved ones.

I don't blame Dad11 for leaving the in-laws house when he was poked and prodded by the MIL, better than sticking around until really pushed to breaking point, he'd already reacted in a way he wasn't happy with. The fault, if there was one, was with the wife for not leaving with him. That's what I'd have done.

The MIL sounds like a typical "Toxic Mammy". There are plenty of them out there, keeping their grown children tied firmly to the apron and emotionally crippled.

Dad 11, it doesn't seem like you're going to get any more constructive help from the folks in this thread.

Get whatever support you can and I really hope that things work out for you.

Moonbeam

*mod note*

OP At this stage I think you need to get professional help from a Councillor and or your gp and that there is not much more that other posters can do to help.