New Baby/Row and Disagreements with inlaws

cofy

Dear Dad11.

I have read this thread for the first time today. I am a mother who was in the same position as you. I was not with my husband (then fiance) as long as you have before the true colours came shining through, so I understand a little of the shock you must have gotton.

I don't know if it is too late to suggest this but here goes anyway. You have apologized, but with an apology must come a willingness to draw a line under what has happened, otherwise it will just eat you up.

If there is an issue with interference in the future, try to camly, explain where you are coming from. For me it's taken about 3 years. I have tried not to give them anything to complain about. The hardest thing was not stopping my children from seeing their grandmother as she regularly tried to undermine me in front of them. But explaining my side of things eventually wore her down. At the start she used the phrase "You have a peg for every hole", which was just greeted with a smile.

What I am trying to say is maybe being right is less important than keeping your family together.

I hope this helps and the best of luck to you and your family.

Daisy M

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind. In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

Kash

If my husband were to say to me that we were headed for divorce if we could not resolve (insert scenario of your choosing here), then I would certainly see it as being threatened with divorce. I think most people would. Especially as you do not seem willing to give an inch yourself, instead you are effectively saying to her "Change your mind, or else I'm leaving you." It's emotional blackmail, and is morally reprehensible at the best of times. So, putting myself in her shoes (somethng I recommend you try), I can see why your wife and her family are upset.

The majority of people on here, some with experiences incredibly similar to your own, have advised you to let bygones be bygones, to build a bridge, and get the hell over it.

However, on a number of occasions on this thread you have taken issue with one small comment or another in a reply and completely disregarded the rest of the advice.

So, it sounds to me like you are not looking for advice, but instead are looking for validation for your actions/intended actions. Is that it?

Dad11

Thank you Kash your feedback is appreciated

Dad11

Hi Daisy M this is a good summary of what has happened. The only reason I went back to our own house was to remove the tension that was around the child. I explained this to my wife. She said I should not have left. Her issue was that I abandoned them. I said to my wife that abandon is a very emotive word and not correct. I accepted how she felt and I apologised if my actions upset her. I explained that I went back to our house to remove tensions from house etc. thinking of my son and mother. After all if it was my house I would have thrown the mother in law out on her ear. My wife believes that I should not have spoke to my mother the way I did that she did not deserve it. I have acknowledged I could have handled that better etc.

Daisy M wrote: »

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind. In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

Moonbeam

Are your parents and siblngs still around?
DO they get a chance to visit the baby?

iguana

Daisy M wrote: »

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind.*** In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

Daisy M

iguana wrote: »

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

Sorry I wasnt delibertly leaving it out I was trying to get a coherent summary together. I would feel abandoned too in this instance and I wouldnt understand how my husband could bear to be parted from me and our new born. I would be extremely hurt. It seems to me that the wife got a pretty raw deal here, she has a new baby and basically her mother and husband cant control their tempers and dont show her any consideration and have a row. People have mentioned emotions would be running high at this time surely (and speaking from experience with 3 children) emotions are on a high and even though all involved would be tired the excitement of a new baby usually creates a good mood.

What I cant understand in all of this is why a mother would add to her daughters distress. She sounds extremely selfish and controlling. The op did apologise with he says sincerity its not normal that that would not e accepted there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Op how long did you stay in your inlaws house and how long did your wife remain after you left?

Shane Fitz

iguana wrote: »

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

All true, but lest you forget, the OP says he was threatened by his wife's brother and nephew.
At the very least, the wife needs to address this with her own family.


Oh and Dad11, you may not have directly threatened your wife with divorce, but it was implied.

Dad11

Guys in total it was 11 days. I went home to our house after 9 days. The reason we were in Mother In Laws house was we were having work done at our own house which lasted longer than normal etc. Can I just say that I have apologised to my wife over how she felt and explained that I was making the best decision for Mum and Baby as I felt I could no longer be under the same roof as Mother In Law (I also said that if I knew that me going to our house would have caused her so much hurt I would have stayed) The mother in law became a bit physical with me in terms of poking me in the chest, that was when I said it would be best if I was not here. The mother in law was taking over, criticising everything that I was doing, she done this for three years and I lost it. I wish I sat down with her and explained my issues in more calm way. I have said this to everyone in the family. My wife stayed there 2 days longer than me and I couldnt really get to see my son during this time at any stage etc

Daisy M wrote: »

Sorry I wasnt delibertly leaving it out I was trying to get a coherent summary together. I would feel abandoned too in this instance and I wouldnt understand how my husband could bear to be parted from me and our new born. I would be extremely hurt. It seems to me that the wife got a pretty raw deal here, she has a new baby and basically her mother and husband cant control their tempers and dont show her any consideration and have a row. People have mentioned emotions would be running high at this time surely (and speaking from experience with 3 children) emotions are on a high and even though all involved would be tired the excitement of a new baby usually creates a good mood.

What I cant understand in all of this is why a mother would add to her daughters distress. She sounds extremely selfish and controlling. The op did apologise with he says sincerity its not normal that that would not e accepted there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Op how long did you stay in your inlaws house and how long did your wife remain after you left?

looksee

I know this is going back into history a bit, but who's (daft!) idea was it to get the kitchen fitted, necessitating moving out of the house, exactly at the time the baby was due? You had at very least 6 months notice of the arrival of the baby, it should have been done well before, or left till well after.

Who's idea was it to go and live with the inlaws? How much pressure did that put on them, sounds as though there is a bit of a crowd there anyway.

How long were you supposed to be there, did that extend?

How much (be honest) did crying baby, late feeds, tired new parents etc impact on the routine of the house?

If any of this was down to your own management then I think maybe you should consider how defensive you might have been during your stay there. Its easy to complain about interfering inlaws, but you put yourselves there in the center of their lives, in a situation where you could not say, 'good night folks, we need time to ourselves'.

I think maybe you need to stop talking to us and get some counselling for you both. But mostly I think you need to stop worrying about your own feelings and let the whole thing defuse while you learn to enjoy your new baby, and build on your relationship.

Edit, some of my points were answered while I was writing this.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Dad11 wrote: »

The mother in law was taking over, criticising everything that I was doing, she done this for three years and I lost it. I wish I sat down with her and explained my issues in more calm way. I have said this to everyone in the family. My wife stayed there 2 days longer than me and I couldnt really get to see my son during this time at any stage etc

Thanks for update:

So where do you stand now? Who is talking to who? What was the reaction when you spoke to the rest of the family?

Any resolution in sight?

username123

looksee wrote: »

Its easy to complain about interfering inlaws, but you put yourselves there in the center of their lives, in a situation where you could not say, 'good night folks, we need time to ourselves'.

Yes, I couldnt agree more.

Its confusing but I gather that OP was never happy with MILs level of nosy busy body behaviour and when it all came to a head it just so happened to be the unfortunate time when OP, wife and new baby were staying in MILs house. Why on earth OP subjected himself to stay in MILs house with new baby baffles me. Some leeway should be given, MIL may be a busy body but she is entitled to behave however she likes in her own home and if OP doesnt like her behaviour - well he didnt have to go there in the first place.

The abandoning the wife scenario - I personally think thats pretty awful. MIL interferes and wife and baby get punished. I dont like that, it smacks of non diplomacy and thinking of oneself selfishly at a time when the wife and baby need support.

MIL not accepting apology - well feck her, you apologised - so what if she doesnt want to accept it - is it really worth moving house or divorcing over? I mean seriously?

Threats from wives family - Im confused about this, were they actually threatening you with violence while you were holding your child or were they just shouting at you to shut up in the row with MIL or what?
Its not acceptable at all if threatened with violence (holding baby or not), but if things had become heated and they were just mouthing off then not such a big deal.

I wasnt there so I dont know how you spoke to your MIL but your wife must feel strongly about it if she still thinks you were wrong and MIL wont accept apology - I feel we are not getting whole story here.

As to the future, stop talking about divorce and moving house, try and support your wife and new baby and let the dust settle. You cannot expect to resolve anything if you are telling your wife that either things get sorted or you two get divorced - relationships and marriages are about compromise - from both sides - your wife similarly needs to support you.

the_syco

Dad11 wrote: »

Their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired so I have made an apology that has been rejected, I dont see myself giving flowers as that would appear to be grovelling in my back

Get the wife to help you pick the flowers; it'll show her that you are trying to make amends, and when it gets rebutted, your wife will see that you have tried to make amends. It may also get the wife to help make amends.

Dad11 wrote: »

I said to my wife that if we dont.resolve this things are.heading in one direction, Divorce.

You didn't threaten? Was she meant to see that as a joke??? No matter what way you meant it, that would be seen as a threat or some type!

Shane Fitz wrote: »

All true, but lest you forget, the OP says he was threatened by his wife's brother and nephew.

The OP was threatened by them after he had abandoned them. No matter the reason OP, you left them, and they probably didn't think too highly of their sister/aunt being abandoned.

Dad11

I will upload the whole story in the best detail that I can very soon!

looksee

Honestly OP? Don't. Its a fascinating thread for those of us on the sidelines who are chucking in advice on a subject we know very little about, its like a soap opera. But really I don't think that dragging it over and over in this kind of thread is doing you and your relationship any good.

Within the boundaries of what you have told us we have offered opinions. A good few of them seem to suggest you should really consider your own behaviour rather than seeking to blame others. Probably the truth is somewhere between the two.

We can't get very much further though because we don't know whether you are seeking to improve your own image, or whether you are telling exact truths. You are the only one who can figure that one out, and continuing to retell the story till you get the answer you want is no help to any one.

Be aware that in your situation at the moment it would not be unheard of for you to be doing a bit of 'attention seeking'. You were the center of your wife's life, now you are having to share her. Could this incident be offering you an opportunity to keep saying - look at me, be nice to me, I'm being hard done by! Yes I know that is a bit unkind, and very likely its not the case, but it is a very common issue!

My offering? Just drop it for now. Forget it, get on with your new situation, support your wife, get to know your new baby. Don't try and press her to take sides, avoid the inlaws as far as reasonably possible so that you don't offend each other. Let it go, you have something far more important to occupy you.

Hannibal Smith

Dad11 wrote: »

I have always been very close to my wife's family. They have always been supportive and very helpful and over the years I did actually grow closer to wife's family over my own family.

Because of this ^^ I got from your initial post that you were trying to get back to how things were. Now you're talking about divorcing your wife and moving house

What advice were you looking for in your opening post?

doubletrouble?

O.P. i re-read you original post and i have to say i sympathize with you 100%. folks theres replies after replies on this some siding with the O.P. others not so, at the end of it all he was poked therefore assaulted in his mother in-laws home and she probably did it with no witnesses around. he married his wife not her family. unfortuantely this is a way of life. he goes on to say he left her and returned to their home. his and his wife's palace where they rule the roost. i would'nt say he abandoned her. i would say he got out of a hostile situation where things could've got alot worse if he had stayed. his wife had a choice of either to stay with her family or go home wither her husband and child. she chose to stay making the situation even worse so much so that threats have been made.
i'd say the O.P. is still very upset and is just blowing off some steam. in life we all say things to our partners which 99% of the time are said in the heat of the moment. and i'd bet that includes the O.P. divorcing his wife. i've been there recently myself ( not the divorcing bit but an over bearing mother in-law whom i thought the world of up until the twins were born). up until the twins were born myself and my wife rarely had a bad word to say to each other. now it's never ending again it's all in the heat of the moment and we dont mean what we say. nobody tells you how stressful it is having a child and if they do it's alot worse than it's made out.when my mother in law comes over i just go and do things around the house whether it's washing baby bottles, making the dinner basically anything to keep me busy for as long as possible.
hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

Daisy M

Personally I dont think the real issue here is the row the op had with his MI.L I think its how his wife appears to completly believe her family have done no wrong. I can understand her not wanting to argue with them and maybe letting bad behaviour go unchallenged, but if she refuses to even acknowledge that her family behaved appallingly then where does her marriage go from there? Does it mean that everytime the op and his wife have issues or choose to do something the inlaws dont approve of the op will have to put up and shut up in order to keep the peace?

Like most people I have had to compromise when dealing with my inlaws. Again we had no issues until we had our first child and then it was always like they knew best. We learned pretty early on not to inform them of any decisions we were making until the deed was done, this worked for us because we were both in agreement on how we would get there. Dont get me wrong it took a while to get there it wasnt until they tried to arrange an alternative childminder to the one we had arranged and threw a suprise first birthday party for our oldest without asking/telling us and doing it on a day I would be working, that we said enough. We didnt confront them just said to each other enough and changed how involved we let them be. I just dont know how the op and his wife can sort this if she cant see the problem. Do other posters really think he should swallow his pride and beg the MIL forgiveness? How will this work longterm is it really a viable option?

Hannibal Smith

doubletrouble? wrote: »

hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

I guess only the OP can answer that. It's just usually when people specifically say in their post that they're looking for advice, it kind of leads me to think that that's what they're looking for But lets not let symantics detract from the point.

Hannibal Smith

Daisy M wrote: »

Do other posters really think he should swallow his pride and beg the MIL forgiveness? How will this work longterm is it really a viable option?

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

Daisy M

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

I think he would be willing to let this argument go and if the MIL was willing would move on leaving it in the past. But he is now more aware that the MIL is controlling and interfering and doesnt want that in future. His wife on the other hand sees no problem and would allow her mother to continue as before something the op cant accept.
If the ops wife looks at the situation and see no problem with her mothers behaviour and is 100% sure her husband is overreacting and the op looks at the situation and truly believes the Mil is interfering and controlling and he is in no way to blame, where do they go from here? Like the op I would think counselling would help but again his wife says no. Unless he can get her to change her mind he has 3 options, 1 put up and shut up, 2 argue everytime inlaws interfere 3 leave. What do you think?

Dad11

Yes they around and yes they do visit!

Moonbeam wrote: »

Are your parents and siblngs still around?
DO they get a chance to visit the baby?

Dad11

Thank you. Finally someone who understands! What I have learnt from these boards is people draw very different conclusions from same piece of text. In relation to me abandoning my wife and child I didnt see it like that. Doubletrouble I think you came from inside my head. In relation to going back to the way things were before, well I dont want that, but ignoring each other.especially when we all live so close is gonna be difficult etc. I mean the MIL was babysitting today as Mam needed some sleep. I texted the MIL and asked how my son was. She ignored me. She seems like a very imature person to me and bad minded. Hate the thought og my son with her. If she can be like that what else she capable of?

doubletrouble? wrote: »

O.P. i re-read you original post and i have to say i sympathize with you 100%. folks theres replies after replies on this some siding with the O.P. others not so, at the end of it all he was poked therefore assaulted in his mother in-laws home and she probably did it with no witnesses around. he married his wife not her family. unfortuantely this is a way of life. he goes on to say he left her and returned to their home. his and his wife's palace where they rule the roost. i would'nt say he abandoned her. i would say he got out of a hostile situation where things could've got alot worse if he had stayed. his wife had a choice of either to stay with her family or go home wither her husband and child. she chose to stay making the situation even worse so much so that threats have been made.
i'd say the O.P. is still very upset and is just blowing off some steam. in life we all say things to our partners which 99% of the time are said in the heat of the moment. and i'd bet that includes the O.P. divorcing his wife. i've been there recently myself ( not the divorcing bit but an over bearing mother in-law whom i thought the world of up until the twins were born). up until the twins were born myself and my wife rarely had a bad word to say to each other. now it's never ending again it's all in the heat of the moment and we dont mean what we say. nobody tells you how stressful it is having a child and if they do it's alot worse than it's made out.when my mother in law comes over i just go and do things around the house whether it's washing baby bottles, making the dinner basically anything to keep me busy for as long as possible.
hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

Hannibal Smith

Daisy M wrote: »

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

I think he would be willing to let this argument go and if the MIL was willing would move on leaving it in the past. But he is now more aware that the MIL is controlling and interfering and doesnt want that in future. His wife on the other hand sees no problem and would allow her mother to continue as before something the op cant accept.
If the ops wife looks at the situation and see no problem with her mothers behaviour and is 100% sure her husband is overreacting and the op looks at the situation and truly believes the Mil is interfering and controlling and he is in no way to blame, where do they go from here? Like the op I would think counselling would help but again his wife says no. Unless he can get her to change her mind he has 3 options, 1 put up and shut up, 2 argue everytime inlaws interfere 3 leave. What do you think?

It's impossible to say DaisyM. I have the exact same problems as the OP, but its with my mother, not my MiL so I have no choice, I have to put up and shut up.

But whilst there's a stalemate nothings going to progress. So it looks like its going to be option 4 everything stays like it is now.

looksee

There you are then, solution! Answer as desired.

(Of course MIL may not have heard phone/ been changing baby/ making feeds /forgot)

cofy

Dad11 wrote: »

Their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired so I have made an apology that has been rejected, I dont see myself giving flowers as that would appear to be grovelling in my back, and in some way would in some way be vindicating them. As I said I dont regret what I said or how I felt, I regret how I said it!

Do you really consider this a sincere apology? Are you really surprised this was not accepted.

I understand you feel you were right, but your wife and her family, more than likely, feel that your need to be right, and need to be seen to be right is far more important to you than her mother, who is probably an elderly person.

Daisy M

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

It's impossible to say DaisyM. I have the exact same problems as the OP, but its with my mother, not my MiL so I have no choice, I have to put up and shut up.

But whilst there's a stalemate nothings going to progress. So it looks like its going to be option 4 everything stays like it is now.

I kindof see your option 4 as been my option 2!!
I think for now the op should let it be with his wife. Their baby is very young and there is enough to deal with. The MIL is been extremely childish in not answering yor text. Next time she is minding and you feel the need to check up send a text saying:
"hope baby is ok, dont worry about replying unless you have any problems or anything you need to check with me, I know your busy minding thnks for giving xxxxxx the break mch appreciated"

This way you are removing the control from her she (in her head) cant leave you hanging as you wont be expecting a reply. The woman is playing a game so now I think of it there is an option 4 play her at her own game except better. If you dont do anything "wrong" are seemingly accepting of the situation and are moving on, maybe your wife may see her mothers behaviour especially if she continues to badmouth you. Normally I would say dont play games but in this case maybe it could be a temporary solution?

iguana

Whatever about anything else, it's not fair on you for your son to be left in the care of someone who you aren't comfortable with entrusting his care to. Both parents should always be in agreement about who is allowed have responsibility for their children.

Dad11

Thanks to everyone for their input much appreciated. Some really.good people here thanks for taking the time out to respond!

username123

Dad11 wrote: »

Thank you. Finally someone who understands! What I have learnt from these boards is people draw very different conclusions from same piece of text. In relation to me abandoning my wife and child I didnt see it like that. Doubletrouble I think you came from inside my head. In relation to going back to the way things were before, well I dont want that, but ignoring each other.especially when we all live so close is gonna be difficult etc. I mean the MIL was babysitting today as Mam needed some sleep. I texted the MIL and asked how my son was. She ignored me. She seems like a very imature person to me and bad minded. Hate the thought og my son with her. If she can be like that what else she capable of?

Why are you allowing your child to be minded by someone who is behaving this way? Im sorry, but if you are unable to check on your child with whoever is minding him then that person should never ever be allowed to be minding him.

Dad11

I feel very sad that this has happened, but I agree with you, and this has been communicated to that person who has refused to co-operate so my son will no longer cared for by this person.

username123 wrote: »

Why are you allowing your child to be minded by someone who is behaving this way? Im sorry, but if you are unable to check on your child with whoever is minding him then that person should never ever be allowed to be minding him.

Shane Fitz

Dad11 wrote: »

I feel very sad that this has happened, but I agree with you, and this has been communicated to that person who has refused to co-operate so my son will no longer cared for by this person.

I'm assuming by this you have discussed WITH your wife about your mother in law not answering the text and you wife is in AGREEMENT with the decision that her mother will no longer babysit for you???

Hannibal Smith

Shane Fitz wrote: »

I'm assuming by this you have discussed WITH your wife about your mother in law not answering the text and you wife is in AGREEMENT with the decision that her mother will no longer babysit for you???

I have to say...if my mother in law refused to respond to me while minding my child (unless she didn't hear the phone etc) I wouldn't let her baby sit either, regardless of what my husband said.

Shane Fitz

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I have to say...if my mother in law refused to respond to me while minding my child (unless she didn't hear the phone etc) I wouldn't let her baby sit either, regardless of what my husband said.

Oh I agree with you!!
My point was, If the OP's wife was on board with this decision, then it's a step in the right direction to getting through this situation.
If she is not,it's just another fight waiting to happen. And then it will be seen by all the in-laws as another reason to cause trouble.

Dad11

Yes my wife is onboard. My wife is very annoyed at this and has told MIL and this behaviour is unreasonable and unacceptable!


{QUOTE=Shane Fitz;77365720]Oh I agree with you!!
My point was, If the OP's wife was on board with this decision, then it's a step in the right direction to getting through this situation.
If she is not,it's just another fight waiting to happen. And then it will be seen by all the in-laws as another reason to cause trouble.[/QUOTE]

Squiggler

Sounds like you are beginning to make some progress then.

The only advice I can give you is to keep talking to your wife, be as civil and polite as you can to her family, don't let yourself get drawn into any more arguments and focus on YOUR family - your wife and your baby. They're the most important people in this situation.

Irish Mammies can be a nightmare, but if you and your wife present a united front (as others here have done in similar circumstances) they can be tamed

Good luck!

Dad11

I am not talking to anyone of them we are avoiding each other.

Squiggler wrote: »

Sounds like you are beginning to make some progress then.

The only advice I can give you is to keep talking to your wife, be as civil and polite as you can to her family, don't let yourself get drawn into any more arguments and focus on YOUR family - your wife and your baby. They're the most important people in this situation.

Irish Mammies can be a nightmare, but if you and your wife present a united front (as others here have done in similar circumstances) they can be tamed

Good luck!

Dad11

Tonight has been a disaster! My wife spent the day in her mother's. We argued for a while today because her brother who threatened me apparently was storing some furniture in our shed. I had agreed to this a few weeks ago, however after the threat and me explaining to my wife that he was not welcome in my house unless he apologised. I had assumed that my wife would have worked it out for herself that that previous agreement was a non runner. Not today though I was told that I had to accept it. Eventually my wife backed down. Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it! My wife got very angry and abusive! I was trying to talk calmly. She.kept calling me a weirdo. I eventually shouted that I am not a weirdo. Now she is on the phone talking to.a.Solicitor. Crikey is she.on verge of breakdown or is she.thinking rationally ? I just dont.know where to go with this. At 9:00pmwe were laughing then by 9:30 pm tonight she was talking to me about aranging access to Elliott etc. I don't even know if I can have this conversation with her as I am unsure of her state of mind. I am totally at my wits end because from my earlier post we were making progress!

Dad11

Im just so feckin worried. I don't know what to do and then I have work tonorrow. The issues between me and her family seem to be having a terrible affect on her.

foxinsox

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

Dad11

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

foxinsox wrote: »

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

foxinsox

Dad11 wrote: »

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

I have read the thread from the start.

I do understand why you have reason to be pissed off.

But the main reason I typed what I did above was to try and help.

Honestly if you love your wife and baby you need to do whatever it takes to get this sorted.

This has gone beyond a "little" family row..

This could go on for years and make all involved very unhappy.


You could be much happier being wrong rather than being miserable and being right.

I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Go talk to your wife.

doubletrouble?

dad i think what you and your family need to do is take a break away from everyone and everything whether it's a week away or just w/e break. unfortunately blood is thicker than water and i'm afraid your wife is piggy in the middle torn between the man she loves and her family who have been there all her life.it sounds as though anytime she spends time with her family she comes home worse than when she first went out.you both need a break away where theres no one to bend your wifes ear and you both need to have a heart to heart. but you have to do it soon before her family turns her completely against you. this is just the impression i'm getting from reading your posts.

Dad11

I do know what you are saying, but unfortunately I cant do what you are suggesting. That would be equally be as bad. My wife is speaking to a Solicitor friend as we speak. :'( its past the point now of no return. To be told this morning that she loves me and laughing at 9:00 pm and by 9:40 pm she was on phone to Solicitor. I cant do anymore! Im concerned for my little boy now whom I love so much!

foxinsox wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

Im trying so hard, unfortunately I have apologised for my part. I cant grovel!

I have read the thread from the start.

I do understand why you have reason to be pissed off.

But the main reason I typed what I did above was to try and help.

Honestly if you love your wife and baby you need to do whatever it takes to get this sorted.

This has gone beyond a "little" family row..

This could go on for years and make all involved very unhappy.


You could be much happier being wrong rather than being miserable and being right.

I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Go talk to your wife.

Dad11

Guys thanks to everyone here for support and feedback. I have done everything I feel I possibly can to fix things! I know my wife is in the middle but she does not in anyway see my point of view at all. Its killing me that this Family is breaking up, but our differences are just too much! There really has been no acknowledgment that her Family has behaved poorly at any stage and I cant live my life ruled by her family!

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it!

Sorry I'm not sure what this mean. I'm guessing that your wife hadn't done some laundry that you wanted and you were annoyed, she said she didn't have time to do it and you implied she would have had plenty of time if she wasn't visiting her mother. Is that right?

Lisa2011

foxinsox wrote: »

I really think you need to get off the internet and go and tell your wife that you love her and apologise for being an ass..

Seriously for her sake can you not just grovel apologise to them all.. whether you mean it or not is another thing..just make it seem real..

You might think this is silly advice...

but,

you have a new baby... baby needs happy mother and father
your wifes' head must be wrecked with all of this (her family inc)

hello - new baby !!!

Just get your priorities right and do whatever you need to do to sort this arsemess out!

I wish you luck, I'd type more only my keyboard is crying from being whacked as I type..

Please sort it - life is too short for crap like this.

:)

hey there why should he apologize for being an ass when he was not one. He may have said some stuff to the mother in law which might have been out of line but its not easy to shut up when you are constantly being watched like a hawk and being told your doing things wrong in raising your child.

He has his priorities straight he wants to keep his family together.

Its about time that the mother in law takes a step back and realizes her daughter has a life of her own and also that as a grandmother she has no right or authority to tell her daughter or son in law how to raise their child.

I bet his mother does not interfere in his relationship with the wife.

There is a child involved here and I am sorry to say that actions do speak louder than words and the actions of the in laws give off the impression they are not putting the interests of the child first.

I advise Dad11 to stand his ground with the inlaws

Dad11

No I dont expect my wife.to be doing Laundry or my Laundry. My wife was giving out that she.does.not have time for it. I pointed out that she was out of the house between 2:00pm and and 9:00 pm.

iguana wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it!

Sorry I'm not sure what this mean. I'm guessing that your wife hadn't done some laundry that you wanted and you were annoyed, she said she didn't have time to do it and you implied she would have had plenty of time if she wasn't visiting her mother. Is that right?

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

No I dont expect my wife.to be doing Laundry or my Laundry. My wife was giving out that she.does.not have time for it. I pointed out that she was out of the house between 2:00pm and and 9:00 pm.

Are you sure that, that comment wasn't construed by your wife to be a criticism of the fact that she hasn't done the laundry? Looking at it from her point of view she is clearly very tired as a few days ago she asked her mother to babysit so she could sleep for a few hours. Now due to her mother's behaviour she doesn't have that option any more. She's tired, she's probably still very hormonal, she is stuck in the middle of things between you and her family, and probably felt that very strongly today having to tell her brother to find other storage, and she can no longer have access to a small but important support her mother was providing in letting her sleep.

I believe that you didn't mean it as a criticism but I also believe that your wife feels it was. It might have been best to say something like, 'I know, you are doing a great job looking after our son, the laundry isn't important and we can take a stab at it together at the weekend.' Instead of pointing out why she doesn't have time for it.

Seriously, please, please try and look at it from her perspective. Go and tell her you really didn't mean to criticise her, that you love her and vow to stop letting your problems with her family come between you and her. And then stop doing it. Of course you won't be doing favours for people who have threatened you, of course you can't have a woman who refuses to talk to you mind your son. But please get into damage control with your marriage and stop letting your feelings for her family ruin your family. Because if nothing else just imagine the smiles on her family member's faces when she tells them you are splitting up. Do you really want to let them win?