New Baby/Row and Disagreements with inlaws

Dad11

Hi there,

My wife recently gave birth to a lovely baby boy. The build up to the birth was great very exciting and special. I have been with my wife for 12 years now. Throughout this 12 years I have always been very close to my wife's family. They have always been supportive and very helpful and over the years I did actually grow closer to wife's family over my own family. However things change. When my wife came out of hospital with the new baby we were having some work carried out on our house. It was decided that we should move in with my wife's mother (my mother in law) for the duration of the works. The work went on a lot longer than usual and as a result we ended up staying a lot longer than expected. I found my wife's mother to be very controlling and overpowering. She constantly kept correcting me and taking over in certain situtations. I bit my tongue but we ended up having words 3 days into our stay. The next morning we put it down to fatigue etc and we decided to move on. However later in the week we had another argument. This argument was a lot more serious and I basically told her that she had no right to tell me what to do and when to do it etc. She was even questioning me about our house which I took huge offence too. My wife became upset so I left the room. My mother in law followed me out to the kitchen and poked me into the chest and continued the argument. I made it clear that I had nothing more to say to her and that her chest poking was not welcome. She stormed off to bed in a mood.

I told my wife that I would not be staying in the house and went back to our house (our house is around the corner from my wife's mother's house). I said that there is too much tension in the house and I didn't want my baby to feel that. I advised my wife that I would tidy out the back room etc. The next day all hell broke loose. I was accused of abandoning my wife and child. My wife accused me of this. My wife's brother threatened me the next day. Everyone of her family made it difficult for me to see my son. The day where all hell broke loose my own Parents wanted to see the baby and as a result if me been emotional I broke down and told my Parents what was going on. They tried to help to no avail. My wife's nephew got involved and threatened me.

I have reflected on these events and my opinion of her family has changed. On some level the same very irrational and not in control of their emotions etc.

My wife has since moved home and we are getting on reasonably well, however all her family are ignoring me. I have since apologised to her mother for how I handled the situation. I acknowledged I could have handled things better, however I am not sorry for how I felt. I am sorry for the way that I said it.

We live very near these people and I now feel that I have made a mistake moving so close to her family (her mother and her sister). It's a shame really because for 12 years there was never an issue.

Can anyone offer me any advice ?

Lisha

Hi

Firstly congrats on your little boy. Enjoy him

I'm so sorry about the bust up with your in-laws. The time around a new baby is so full of emotions it's a pity things got a bit heated.
You and your wife and baby are a family unit now. SAdly the maternal grandparents often can have trouble accepting this.
You've apologised to the Mam-in law, it can't be undone. Just remember you cant control her reactions. She'll have to get over this in her own way/time.
Really all you can do is explain your side of things to your wife. If she sides with her Mom then that will make things difficult. A woman does tend to lean on her own Mom a lot after a baby is born. But you should not be sidelined. However you might have to bite your tongue for a while while things settle.
really I would say just keep as calm as possible, explain your side but dont keep harping an about it. You dont want to be accused of causing any trouble .

Frankly it is very sad that the whole family became so involved in such a negative way.Just live a happy peaceful life with your wife and son. If the others choose to be difficult then thats their problem. You cant control their reactions.

Best of luck to you and your family, babies are lovely enjoy him:)

Dad11

Many thanks for your reply. I think it is very said that they got involved like this. I apologised to my wife's sister but they just ignore me. It's difficult because I am thinking ahead to christenings etc. and I don't want there to be this level of dysfunctional atmosphere around my son/baby. My wife has said that they are all very hurt at how I behaved. I think that they all need to cop on and learn to move on from things. I have always had a great relationship with my Wife's family. There has never been a cross word spoken in 12 years with anyone in her family. They just dont seem to be able to see past this at all.

ROZLYN

Big congrats on the arrival of your baby boy..magic times ahead. Unfortunatly I have a similar story to yours, the in-laws changed for the worst upon the arrival of our first baby. I gave them so many chances to redeem themselves but I've had enough. So much so I can't be around them and have put my foot down. No one has to put up with nasty, b comments or silences when you walk into the room. All I can say to you is your main priority is your wife and baby, but for your own peace of mind try to keep your distance from the in-laws.

Dad11

thanks ROZLYN Well, it's gonna be difficult as we all live in the same housing area etc. I have made it clear to my wife that if her brother apologises to me for threatening me, then he can set foot inside our house, but until then he does not come near us. The mother in law says she will never forgive me for my behaviour. That's fine I will accept that. I am just thinking of family events in the future and having to explain all this to my son when the time arises. My other in law has been passing comments for years about our Garden, Trees, telling me to cut the grass and saying "that tree needs to be cut down" When she was taking control over my son and correcting me and telling me I was doing this wrong and that wrong, I decided I had enough. I am not sorry for what I said. I am sorry for how I said it

vibe666

i'm in a similar position to yourself, although everything was more or less okay (although strained) until our child was very ill in hospital and not only were they no help whatsoever, but my ended up driving a wedge between themselves and my wife over petty things when we were prioritising the health of our only child over their selfish desires to have special treatment.

unfortunately (or fortunately, i still can't work out which) my own family have been great over the same period and my wife has seen how well my family has reacted and it just makes her even madder at her own lot for acting like spoilt children.

i honestly don't see any way past it with the family intact at this stage as they all seem to think the way they have treated us is acceptable and that somehow we're the bad guys for looking after the needs of our sick baby before theirs.

fortunately for us, a little while before all this happened, we moved from being 20 minutes to about an hour away, so at least we have a little distance between us, but to be brutally honest, we've been looking at emigrating sometime in the next couple of years and if they keep pushing it, it'll be happening even sooner.

looksee

Everyone accepts that a new mother's hormones may be all over the place and she can be easily upset, but you are in the same situation. Suddenly you have a whole new layer to your life, new responsibilities, and things will never be the same again.

At the same time you introduced a total upheaval into your inlaws house - a new baby in your own house is enough to cope with, in someone else's house its a nightmare. Babies don't come with instructions, so mothers in law have traditionally been the source of wisdom. Or they think it is wisdom. You might not, and there's a blow-up.

Look, your wife and baby are your immediate priority. It is way more important to you that there is peace and tranquility, so you may have to take on most of the responsibility for good will all round. Don't criticise her parents. Stay away from them for the moment if you reasonably can. Persuade your wife that you have apologised and can do no more, but leave it at that. Concentrate on her and the baby. Let time pass, let them visit, don't be drawn into arguments. If someone tries to start a row, don't bite, go off and quietly put the kettle on for a cuppa. Refuse to be drawn, or bullied or pushed into things. Its not easy but there is nothing to be gained by fighting with her family, it will pull you apart.

In due course just invite them to the Christening and any other family events that you might invite them to. Make sure there are enough other family and friends so that it is not noticeable if they are ignoring you. Rise above their sniping and childishness, and just get on with your lives.

Just for a bit of perspective - you said in your initial post 'she was even questioning me about our own house' and that you got annoyed. You were living in her house, three of you including a new baby. She had probably not had much sleep the last few nights - nor had you, but you are younger and its your baby. Would it not be reasonable for her to ask what the situation was and try and find out how much longer you were going to be there? You say yourself you were verbally aggressive, perhaps you are not easy to have around as a visitor? That's not an accusation, just something to think about when apportioning blame.

I know you feel hard done by, but would it be too much to send her a bunch of flowers with a note (which will be shown to the sister ) saying how much you appreciated being able to stay there with her grandchild, how it was a bit of an upheaval and things might have got a bit upset, but you did appreciate it and send your love. Better than letting it fester?

ROZLYN

Yea I know they live very close by but they don't have to be in around your house unless you want them. This has been going on for a few years for us, between causing drama on the day I brought first baby home from hospital, to christenings and funerals they always make sure they cause drama of the negative variety. It must have been a great relief to express your feelings albeit not in the way you would have prefered but at least you stood up to them. It sounds like it was building for a few years. I have bit my tongue on so many occasions (advise from my parents), or else been in total shock and dumbfounded by their rudeness so I have not vocalised to them YET. I just keep my distance at this stage as I said. You married your wife not them thats my philosophy.

Dad11

I never said I was verbally aggressive. Go back and have a look at my post and tell me where I said I was verbally aggressive. Her behaviour in correcting me and questioning me about our house is not out of character. she has always done this. It just came to a head in the last few weeks, where I said that enough was enough!

looksee

She was even questioning me about our house which I took huge offence too.....I basically told her that she had no right to tell me what to do and when to do it etc

Dad11 - out of all my long answer you took one phrase to take exception to! That seems a bit defensive to me. I accept you are exasperated, but you are the one who is upset by all this, enough to post here about it, so you are the one who will have to do something about it.

I understand your mother in law is a busybody, but initially you said you had got along with them for the most part. Going to stay with someone who you now say is controlling and dictatorial really wasn't the best idea. But it is done now, and you want to regain the status quo.

Just looking at simple facts, you upset the relationship by going to stay at a very sensitive time in your family circumstances, you are going to have to put the most effort into sorting it. If you are absolutely determined to stand for your rights then it may be eventually at the expense of your own relationship with your wife, its your call.

Dad11

out of all my long answer you took one phrase to take exception to! Of course because its the only thing you said that was not correct!

Dad11

To be honest I dont excuse a person's own behaviour. A person own's their own behaviour. they are responsible for that.

Hannibal Smith

To be honest it sounds as if your wife's family are behaving like kids! You've the stress of a newborn, living in some one else's house and you're mother in law acting like the know it all couldn't have been easy. Something was bound to give.

To be fair, you apologised and that should have been that. Whilst having a newborn doesn't give you license to act how you want, you should be at least allowed the odd outburst without having the whole family threatening you :eek:

Maybe you could send the mother in law flowers or invite her round for a dinner (nothing too mad considering your circumstances), if she turns her nose up at that then at least you've tried?

Dad11

Well I have already apologised. This was met with a response of "That I will never be forgiven for my behaviour and that I am a bad person" I think that is clear enough for now. I am not gonna be a fool and send flowers etc

Dad11

Thanks ROZLYN I agree my philosophy as well

Daisy M

If the story is exactly as your telling it I am not sure why you are the only one apologising and why your apology is not been accepted. Are you been made a bit of a scapegoat here or did you really go too far out of line, were you threatening or violent? If you werent it seems to me as if you are been manipulated into backing down and been made the blacksheep of the family. Why is your wife not speaking with her mother and making it clear that all that happened is in the past? If you do not provide a united front then they have the power to make your life difficult.

You had a previous post about going out with friends and your wife not been happy and saying you were not supporting her throughout the pregnancy in front of her mother. Is any of this presant animosity stemming from that?


Sorry I didnt see your replys when you said you werent agressive I was delayed in posting this response. If you are really sure you were not over the top in your reaction then it sounds as if your inlaws have a control issue.

Hannibal Smith

Dad11 wrote: »

Well I have already apologised. This was met with a response of "That I will never be forgiven for my behaviour and that I am a bad person" I think that is clear enough for now. I am not gonna be a fool and send flowers etc

Well you asked for advice on how to move passed it all, I was just making a suggestion. I accept that you have already apologised, I accept that you have made the first move and as I said before it sounds from your posts as if the family are being very unreasonable.

If you do make another attempt I don't think you'll be a fool, it'll show your wife in particular, that you've done everything you can to rectify the situation.

Unless you want the division to continue, and by looking for advice, I got the impression you don't want it to, you might consider making a further attempt to ease tensions, because it doesn't look like the other family are going to. What exactly do you want people to say to you?

doubletrouble?

Dad11 wrote: »

Hi there,

My wife recently gave birth to a lovely baby boy. The build up to the birth was great very exciting and special. I have been with my wife for 12 years now. Throughout this 12 years I have always been very close to my wife's family. They have always been supportive and very helpful and over the years I did actually grow closer to wife's family over my own family. However things change. When my wife came out of hospital with the new baby we were having some work carried out on our house. It was decided that we should move in with my wife's mother (my mother in law) for the duration of the works. The work went on a lot longer than usual and as a result we ended up staying a lot longer than expected. I found my wife's mother to be very controlling and overpowering. She constantly kept correcting me and taking over in certain situtations. I bit my tongue but we ended up having words 3 days into our stay. The next morning we put it down to fatigue etc and we decided to move on. However later in the week we had another argument. This argument was a lot more serious and I basically told her that she had no right to tell me what to do and when to do it etc. She was even questioning me about our house which I took huge offence too. My wife became upset so I left the room. My mother in law followed me out to the kitchen and poked me into the chest and continued the argument. I made it clear that I had nothing more to say to her and that her chest poking was not welcome. She stormed off to bed in a mood.

I told my wife that I would not be staying in the house and went back to our house (our house is around the corner from my wife's mother's house). I said that there is too much tension in the house and I didn't want my baby to feel that. I advised my wife that I would tidy out the back room etc. The next day all hell broke loose. I was accused of abandoning my wife and child. My wife accused me of this. My wife's brother threatened me the next day. Everyone of her family made it difficult for me to see my son. The day where all hell broke loose my own Parents wanted to see the baby and as a result if me been emotional I broke down and told my Parents what was going on. They tried to help to no avail. My wife's nephew got involved and threatened me.

I have reflected on these events and my opinion of her family has changed. On some level the same very irrational and not in control of their emotions etc.

My wife has since moved home and we are getting on reasonably well, however all her family are ignoring me. I have since apologised to her mother for how I handled the situation. I acknowledged I could have handled things better, however I am not sorry for how I felt. I am sorry for the way that I said it.

We live very near these people and I now feel that I have made a mistake moving so close to her family (her mother and her sister). It's a shame really because for 12 years there was never an issue.

Can anyone offer me any advice ?

i think i've just found my long lost twin .
all joking aside dad11.i thought i had the best in laws well actually mother in law, until the twins were born in nov. when i started to read the first few lines of your thread i had to call puple and tell her it's not me doing this thread. i can relate to you in every way except the threats. no matter what we did right as far as mom in law was concerned it was always wrong. every word out of her mouth was always negative. like you we stayed with out in laws. in the end it got to much that i just told purple we're going home. i dont know what the solution is but the last thing you can do is let it eat you up inside. it's bad enough trying to rear a new baby without people being unhelpful.when we're upset the baby/babies pick up on this. i know people say to ignore it and get on with life but i also know it's impossible as you just waiting for the next cheap shot. i have to add daddy in law is great and never has a bad word to say. i've nicknamed my mom in law. GG or grumpy gran. it's great when shes over to see her gran kids as i use those letters in front of her,shes non the wiser and it makes me feel better.
i suppose what i'm trying to say is your not alone and theres probably lots more in your situation.

Dad11

Well I know myself the way I packaged up the message could have been better. I should have spoke to the mother in law and made it clear calmly the way I was feeling. What I tried to do was bite my tongue as we were only going to be staying there for a couple of days etc (The reson we were there is because we were having a new kitchen installed in our house). Unfortunately it became too much and I told her to back off amongst other things. I should have nipped this in the bud years ago but I did'nt out of respect for my then girlfriend, who of course I am married to.

Their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired so I have made an apology that has been rejected, I dont see myself giving flowers as that would appear to be grovelling in my back, and in some way would in some way be vindicating them. As I said I dont regret what I said or how I felt, I regret how I said it!

Daisy M wrote: »

If the story is exactly as your telling it I am not sure why you are the only one apologising and why your apology is not been accepted. Are you been made a bit of a scapegoat here or did you really go too far out of line, were you threatening or violent? If you werent it seems to me as if you are been manipulated into backing down and been made the blacksheep of the family. Why is your wife not speaking with her mother and making it clear that all that happened is in the past? If you do not provide a united front then they have the power to make your life difficult.

You had a previous post about going out with friends and your wife not been happy and saying you were not supporting her throughout the pregnancy in front of her mother. Is any of this presant animosity stemming from that?


Sorry I didnt see your replys when you said you werent agressive I was delayed in posting this response. If you are really sure you were not over the top in your reaction then it sounds as if your inlaws have a control issue.

Dad11

Well the next step very shortly is to look at moving to a new house a little bit further away from her mother and her sister etc

doubletrouble? wrote: »

i think i've just found my long lost twin .
all joking aside dad11.i thought i had the best in laws well actually mother in law, until the twins were born in nov. when i started to read the first few lines of your thread i had to call puple and tell her it's not me doing this thread. i can relate to you in every way except the threats. no matter what we did right as far as mom in law was concerned it was always wrong. every word out of her mouth was always negative. like you we stayed with out in laws. in the end it got to much that i just told purple we're going home. i dont know what the solution is but the last thing you can do is let it eat you up inside. it's bad enough trying to rear a new baby without people being unhelpful.when we're upset the baby/babies pick up on this. i know people say to ignore it and get on with life but i also know it's impossible as you just waiting for the next cheap shot. i have to add daddy in law is great and never has a bad word to say. i've nicknamed my mom in law. GG or grumpy gran. it's great when shes over to see her gran kids as i use those letters in front of her,shes non the wiser and it makes me feel better.
i suppose what i'm trying to say is your not alone and theres probably lots more in your situation.

Cat Melodeon

What does your wife think can be done to solve the situation? She's the one stuck in the middle, maybe ask her what she thinks you should do. I can't imagine she'd be too happy to move house just because ye've had a row.

If you do something over the top to reinforce your apology (like sending flowers, writing a note, being sweet as pie to everyone), it's not grovelling. It's showing them up for how unreasonable they are. If they can't accept your apologies, then you can do no more, and you can safely leave it in your wife's lap to sort out. But at the moment, it seems like you are still very angry and that any apology you made before can't have been sincere. If you can at all, rise above the anger and let it go. Be the bigger man. If you stay angry with them, they effectively still have power over you. The best way to solve this is to genuinely be indifferent to what they do next. Be civil and polite but always stay cool. If someone realises you don't give a damn about them or what they do and are quite happy in your own life, they often realise their own behaviour is OTT.

Squiggler

OP, maybe I'm picking the dynamic up wrong but from your previous thread and this one I get the impression that your wife involves her mother and family in your relationship. I also get the impression that she is doing nothing to try to mend the rift. As I said, I could be wrong, and if I am please ignore.

From the beginning of her marriage my sister spent a lot of time airing her grievances with her husband to our Mother. She thought she was seeking advice from someone who had been married a long time and "been there" but what she absolutely failed to realise was that she was permanently damaging the relationship between my Mother and my brother-in-law. All my Mum heard were the things he was doing wrong and this coloured her view of the poor guy. She also only heard one side of these disagreements.

Once my sis realised her mistake it took many years to undo the damage done.

A husband and wife are a team and need to support each other. If my family were acting towards my husband the way your wife's are to you I would be taking it up with THEM, not reminding my husband that they're annoyed with him and that he behaved badly.

I think you need to talk to your wife about this, and maybe seek counselling together, to see why it is that she is not helping/encouraging/asking her family to get over the spat.

Dad11

Well I am not angry anymore, but my opinion of her family has changed after what has happened. I have apologised to her mother and was told that she "I will never forgive you for what you did. you are a bad person" this is very irrational as far as I am concerned as I have never had an argument with the mother in law since my wife and I have been together. That is 12 years. She must have an issue with me over something else in the past that she has not let go of in my opinion. In terms of getting her flowers, I don't want the mother in law to think in her head that I am admitting I am totally wrong and such a gesture I feel would be taken up like that. As i said before I am not sorry for what I said, im sorry for how I said it!

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

What does your wife think can be done to solve the situation? She's the one stuck in the middle, maybe ask her what she thinks you should do. I can't imagine she'd be too happy to move house just because ye've had a row.

If you do something over the top to reinforce your apology (like sending flowers, writing a note, being sweet as pie to everyone), it's not grovelling. It's showing them up for how unreasonable they are. If they can't accept your apologies, then you can do no more, and you can safely leave it in your wife's lap to sort out. But at the moment, it seems like you are still very angry and that any apology you made before can't have been sincere. If you can at all, rise above the anger and let it go. Be the bigger man. If you stay angry with them, they effectively still have power over you. The best way to solve this is to genuinely be indifferent to what they do next. Be civil and polite but always stay cool. If someone realises you don't give a damn about them or what they do and are quite happy in your own life, they often realise their own behaviour is OTT.

Dad11

Yes you are correct that my wife has involved her mother too much etc. That is going to change now as far as I am concerned etc. Even if there is some sort of reconciliation things will never be the same again. I'm not moving away because of an argument, I may move because her family are too nearby and based on the side to their personalities that I have seen recently, it was prob a mistake to leave so close to them. Well I assume that my wife would back me up but she cant control her mother and siblings can she ?

Squiggler wrote: »

OP, maybe I'm picking the dynamic up wrong but from your previous thread and this one I get the impression that your wife involves her mother and family in your relationship. I also get the impression that she is doing nothing to try to mend the rift. As I said, I could be wrong, and if I am please ignore.

From the beginning of her marriage my sister spent a lot of time airing her grievances with her husband to our Mother. She thought she was seeking advice from someone who had been married a long time and "been there" but what she absolutely failed to realise was that she was permanently damaging the relationship between my Mother and my brother-in-law. All my Mum heard were the things he was doing wrong and this coloured her view of the poor guy. She also only heard one side of these disagreements.

Once my sis realised her mistake it took many years to undo the damage done.

A husband and wife are a team and need to support each other. If my family were acting towards my husband the way your wife's are to you I would be taking it up with THEM, not reminding my husband that they're annoyed with him and that he behaved badly.

I think you need to talk to your wife about this, and maybe seek counselling together, to see why it is that she is not helping/encouraging/asking her family to get over the spat.

Daisy M

Personally I dont think sending flowers or grovelling is the way to go especially when the op is adamant that it was over such a trivial issue and the way the whole family became involved. I think the op apologised, the apology was refused and now the op needs to sort things with his wife so that in future her family will treat her husband with respect and he them.

Op keep speaking cordially to your mother in laws, dont overcompensate or be a door mat but dont get in another argument. In time they may thaw a little and if they dont then its their loss. Is there a history of these type of fall outs in their family or with a wider circle of friends/relations?

Squiggler

Dad11 wrote: »

Well I assume that my wife would back me up but she cant control her mother and siblings can she ?

One would hope so, but your Mother in Law got the impression from somewhere that you're a bad man. If that was the first argument you've had with her then that came from something else.

No, she can't control them, but she can defend you and your marriage and family, and I don't get the impression that she is doing that. As I said, I wouldn't let my parents or siblings treat my husband like that, not after he had apologised (and to me it sounds like you weren't the only one who should have been apologising by the way).

I think that this is definitely something you need to resolve between you.

Dad11

Not really but the Mother in Law is speerated from her own Husband. What do you mean by op ?

Daisy M wrote: »

Personally I dont think sending flowers or grovelling is the way to go especially when the op is adamant that it was over such a trivial issue and the way the whole family became involved. I think the op apologised, the apology was refused and now the op needs to sort things with his wife so that in future her family will treat her husband with respect and he them.

Op keep speaking cordially to your mother in laws, dont overcompensate or be a door mat but dont get in another argument. In time they may thaw a little and if they dont then its their loss. Is there a history of these type of fall outs in their family or with a wider circle of friends/relations?

vibe666

would i be right in thinking that these are country folk rather than dubs?

in my own situation, i've always put it down to the "village mentality" where everyone is in everyone else's business and feels they have some sort of god given right to pick at everything you do and find fault because they have nothing better to do in their own lives.

i might be wrong in your case, i'm sure people like that exist in the big smoke too, but i've found that for most people the pace of life in dublin is fast enough that people have enough to be going on with without stepping on your toes.

thankfully my wife and i are very much on the same page when it comes to her family and if anything i'm the more moderate of the two of us, although i will always support her above all no matter which way the wind eventually blows.

Dad11

We live in another City outside Dublin

vibe666 wrote: »

would i be right in thinking that these are country folk rather than dubs?

in my own situation, i've always put it down to the "village mentality" where everyone is in everyone else's business and feels they have some sort of god given right to pick at everything you do and find fault because they have nothing better to do in their own lives.

i might be wrong in your case, i'm sure people like that exist in the big smoke too, but i've found that for most people the pace of life in dublin is fast enough that people have enough to be going on with without stepping on your toes.

thankfully my wife and i are very much on the same page when it comes to her family and if anything i'm the more moderate of the two of us, although i will always support her above all no matter which way the wind eventually blows.

vibe666

Dad11 wrote: »

We live in another City outside Dublin

ah well, so much for that theory, i guess it's just me then!

good luck with it anyway, it's certainly no fun.

is it possible for you to talk to your wife about it and see if she can find out from your mother in law exactly what her problem is with you so you can try and fix it?

you can't live the rest of your lives like this and you obviously know that yourself as you are trying to fix things, but it doesn't sound like they understand that. you are a permanent fixture and you're not going anywhere, so they need to overcome whatever it is that is causing them to behave this way and its obviously not something you can sort out without them meeting you some of the way there.

Dad11

Oh yeah we will have a chat in a few weeks etc. Actually I wanna fix things but what I dont want is her back trying to interfere or control things again!

vibe666 wrote: »

ah well, so much for that theory, i guess it's just me then!

good luck with it anyway, it's certainly no fun.

is it possible for you to talk to your wife about it and see if she can find out from your mother in law exactly what her problem is with you so you can try and fix it?

you can't live the rest of your lives like this and you obviously know that yourself as you are trying to fix things, but it doesn't sound like they understand that. you are a permanent fixture and you're not going anywhere, so they need to overcome whatever it is that is causing them to behave this way and its obviously not something you can sort out without them meeting you some of the way there.

Daisy M

You are the op! Its what the person who opens the thread is called, when I referred to op in my post I was referring to you! So I think you need to sort things with your wife and you both need to realise that your marriage and baby come first.

Dad11

Oh I realise that but we will talk in a few weeks etc

Daisy M wrote: »

You are the op! Its what the person who opens the thread is called, when I referred to op in my post I was referring to you! So I think you need to sort things with your wife and you both need to realise that your marriage and baby come first.

doubletrouble?

[QUOTE=Dad11;77266004 What do you mean by op ?[/QUOTE] dad11 op mean the original poster or the person that starts a thread.. alot of posters use that jargon to save on typing.

Dad11

My wife and I are struggling to get past the issues with her family. She does not see my side at all. I think we need counselling, but she refuses to go. I can see.us heading in one.way. Divorce. Dunno what to.do here!

doubletrouble? wrote: »

[QUOTE=Dad11;77266004 What do you mean by op ?

dad11 op mean the original poster or the person that starts a thread.. alot of posters use that jargon to save on typing.[/Quote]

Squiggler

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Dad11

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

pwurple

Dad11, how old is the baby? New babies can cause a bit of a shift in any relationship, and everyone needs to readjust. Time can make a big difference here. Your wife in particular has a whole new perspective on things, her own relationship with her parents will also have changed. And you are both adjusting to looking after a new human being. There are all these extra responsibilities, more things to remember (baby naps, feeds, changes, clothes) and she may be missing out on meals, missing out on sleep, and generally be cranky from all of it. She has also just come out of a pregnancy I assume, so she will generally be a bit run down and not feeling herself yet. (Growing a baby takes a lot out of you!). Hormones could be going gaga as well in the background. I know our baby was a year old before I started coming back to feeling normal. She has a lot going on, and no doubt sees counselling at the very bottom of the pile of priorities. Baby's needs comes first now in her mind, not you anymore.

You threatening her with divorce at this time isn't going to do your relationship any favours at all. You both need to support each other at this time, and if she isn't being as supportive as you like, then you will have to be the rock she leans on for a while until things settle a bit.

Give it time.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Sounds like the mother in law is the problem. I could find strong words to describe what she might be, but the most reasonable one I shall use is 'controlling'.

And she's probably always been that way with all the family in her control.

Your account of things sounds reasonable and well balanced.

You have to distance yourself from your inlaws. geographically as well as emotionally.

Your wife needs to as well. It's a tough call, but in my opinion, your wife is being controlled as well.

If a child was not involved it would be a lot easier.

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Squiggler

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in. I really can't understand her attitude or behaviour. Is it possible to try to explain how it feels from your point of view? Can you give her a hypothetical reverse situation run through... with your family treating her the way you're being treated and ask her how she would expect you to behave in that situation?

You definitely need to make it clear to her that you feel the way you do, that she can either help to patch things up with her family, and focus on your relationship and family, or you will leave.

Were there no warning signs of any of this before you married? Maybe I'm weird but it's always something I've been conscious of, the dynamic of an OH's family. My husband's Mum has major interfering/nosy/not understanding boundaries tendancies, and that is why we live nearly 2000 miles away (hubby's choice, but one I completely supported). From a distance we can get on just fine and we can just about survive a few weeks a year of her company without falling out.

I really hope that you and your wife are able to get back on the same page, for your sake, hers and your baby's. If/when you do get things sorted I do recommend moving a little further away from them

pwurple

Yeah Yeah Yeah wrote: »

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Sorry Yeah yeah yeah, but I think this would be a terrible thing to do at this point. New Baby.

Here's how this works... Woman meets man, they fall in love... get married, all fab. Baby comes along, woman realises she only liked the man, that wasn't love at all, Baby is real love. Baby baby baby.

If you make her chose between baby and man, she will chose baby. Sorry.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

In my opinion, some people are beyond empathy.

For those with empathy it is hard to comprehend that others can be so unconcillatory and cold.

In general terms google 'psychopath'.

It is becoming increasingly accepted that a percentage of the population hitherto described as socio paths would be better described as psychopaths.

I'm not saying that this is the case, only you can make that evaluation.

But if you are dealing with someone of that nature, in my opinion, no amount of counselling, arbitration etc, will do any good.

Must be a desperate situation for you, but it sounds like your only option is to succumb to the control of the in laws or get the hell out.

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Yeah Yeah Yeah

No need to be sorry pwpurple. I agree with you.

But it seems like the wife is making a decision in favour of the mother in law, and not in the best interest of the husband and child. Of course the best interest of the child comes first.

But I don't think for a minute that all mothers in the world always make decisions in the best interest of their children. Especially if she is in someone else's control.

And if what you have suggested is true, that the wife has fallen out of love with husband , then of course the decision is a lot clearer. The welfare of the child is paramount.

pwurple wrote: »

Yeah Yeah Yeah wrote: »

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Sorry Yeah yeah yeah, but I think this would be a terrible thing to do at this point. New Baby.

Here's how this works... Woman meets man, they fall in love... get married, all fab. Baby comes along, woman realises she only liked the man, that wasn't love at all, Baby is real love. Baby baby baby.

If you make her chose between baby and man, she will chose baby. Sorry.

Kash

I've read over all the threads, and perhaps my synopsis is wrong, but what I am reading is:

a) you have a brand new baby (congratulations!!)
b) you have had one serious argument with your inlaws within a 12 year period (which has not yet been resolved despite an (insincere?) apology
c) your wife thinks that your stance on this argument is unreasonable, whilst you think it is justified.
d) you are considering emigration and/or divorce as a response to this.

It reeks of an emotional over-reaction in my opinion.

Even if you believe that you were 100% in the right, surely you can take a step back, and just move on with your life? If it is your inlaws who are in the wrong, they will come round, and if they don't, well, so be it. Your wife and you do not see eye to eye on this one? Again, so be it. Agree to disagree and say no more about it. Be reasonable and open, and treat her and her family with respect. No need to apologise further if you already feel you have done it properly, but no point in antagonising them either. Being civil is something anybody can do, and at the end of the day you should be concentrating on your wife and child - they have ties here that won't be easily broken.

A few people mentioned sending flowers, which you perceive as grovelling. It is clear that you do not wish to grovel, but perhaps you would consider extending a truce flag... in the interests of your child?

Daisy M

Dad11 wrote: »

My wife and I are struggling to get past the issues with her family. She does not see my side at all. I think we need counselling, but she refuses to go. I can see.us heading in one.way. Divorce. Dunno what to.do here!

Are you really considering ending your marriage over this, seems very drastic to me. I think you need to step back a little and calm down your mother in law is controlling you right now more than she ever has and this is your own doing.
Do you love your wife, does it not tear you apart thinking that you may not be a part of your childs life every day? This all seems blown out of proportion. What is your wife saying you are not clear on that at all, does she believe that her mother and family are no way to blame and the fault is all yours?

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

I'm sorry but for you to threaten your wife with divorce at this stage in your child's life makes you seem hotheaded, stubborn, insensitive and someone who is prone to massive over-reaction, and it makes me wonder exactly how your wife's family would tell the story of the argument with your mother-in-law and the days that followed. The fact that your wife's siblings are against you and your wife can see where they are all coming from, gives the impression that there is maybe more to this story than you are allowing yourself to see.

For one I can't imagine how it was for your wife when you moved out of the house she and your son were living in. This seems to be what her siblings are so mad at you for, so it seems that your wife was incredibly upset by this. And people aren't stupid, they know an insincere apology when they are given one. They see you as hotheaded and inconsiderate to your wife at a time when she was vulnerable and emotional. They see that you don't really see anything wrong in your actions and at this point it's likely they know that you want to move your family away and are threatening your wife with divorce. No wonder they don't like you.

I'm not saying this is all your fault, not at all, I'm sure the mother-in-law was out of line and her behaviours provoked the argument. I'm also of the opinion that what goes on between you and your wife is not their business. If your wife forgives you, they need to get over it. But arguments and fall outs are rarely completely one sided and I think even by your own account some of your behaviours were wrong, so you need to actually start looking at what happened through everyone else's eyes and consider the part you played in the problem. You also need to stop letting this situation interfere with your marriage. Lots of people have major rifts with their in-laws but they keep that out of their own house as much as possible.

Dad11

Hi all,

I have made a very sincere and heartfelt apology, which has been rejected. I was threatened by brother in law and wife's nephew all while handling my child which I feel is very serious. I feel my wife should have backed my stance on the issue, regardless if she agreed with me or not. Privately she can say what she wants to me etc etc. I am not considering emigration. However I have seen a side to them that is making me rethink my feelings towards them.

I will be honest here. I have always felt the mother to be a bit controlling and interfering etc. I didn't address that until now. I feel the way I dealt with that situation could have been better. I have apologised for that!

I understand that a woman is emotional after pregnancy and there is a shift in a relationship. I also understand that the little baby is priority! However I cant excuse my wife taking the side of her family over me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would not allow my inlaws to treat her in that way. I excused her reaction based on her being emotional after pregnancy however I thought as time moves on she would be more reasonable on the events etc. However this does not seem to be the case. So there are issues between us that remain and are causing huge tensions. There are trust issues between us after the events that happened. I told my wife that I married her not her family. She seemed to reject this. So unless things change very soon. This is gonna end badly. I am desperate to keep everyone together etc

Dad11

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

However I cant excuse my wife taking the side of her family over me.

This isn't the reading I'm taking of this. She didn't side with them, they sided with her. As far as your wife is concerned you walked out on her when she had a week old baby. She told you that was how she felt, you ignored her and left. Her family then took her side because, lets get real here, they were the ones at home with her, dealing with the fall out of your actions. Now you are reacting as if you are the one wronged by your wife and are waiting for her be more reasonable? Seriously?

I don't think anyone really cares any more about the initial argument but you. Everyone else seems focussed on the distress you caused your wife when you left.

It doesn't seem like anyone here has acted perfectly. Maybe your wife should have trued harder to understand why you were leaving and that you were in no way leaving her. But she had just given birth and was now about to lose your support with the young baby throughout most of the days and all of the nights. You acted really, really badly when you walked out on her when she clearly did not want you to. If you can't see that you are very blind.

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

Squiggler asked you if your wife knew you were thinking you were headed toward divorce and you responded with:

"Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work"

Dad11

Let me.clarify. I didnt threaten my wife.with.Divorce. I said to my wife that if we dont.resolve this things are.heading in one direction, Divorce. I didn't threaten her. I wouldn't.do that!

iguana wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

Squiggler asked you if your wife knew you were thinking you were headed toward divorce and you responded with:

"Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work"