Gasligthing. Ever been told you are over reacting when you are not?

irishh_bob

BarackPyjama wrote: »

I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that you're completely wrong.

your truth and reality are not nessceserily mine

BarackPyjama

irishh_bob wrote: »

if something knocks the stuffing out of you , how can you claim to have overcome it , , if something rocks you to your core psychologically , it has changed you , you havent bested it , it has bested you , some people might live on and become tougher and warrior like but that is something different , becoming hardened due to tough experiences is not a possitive thing in everyones opinion , few if any would choose not to have avoided what forced them to change , i guess i dont subscribe to the cliche that whatever doesnt kill you , will only made you stronger , i perfer heath ledgers line from batman , what doesnt kill you can only make you stranger

Maybe in your experience. My experience, I grew stronger and wiser from it while continuing to be the same good person I was before. Psychological abuse has a different effect on different people. Some people literally go insane. Others fight it, finally walking away from it and become stronger for the experience.

BarackPyjama

irishh_bob wrote: »

your truth and reality are not nessceserily mine

True. If you see my last point above. Some people grow stronger, others become twisted, bitter and unstable. Everyone is affected by it differently I suppose.

G86

you wont be as confident as ever , once your knocked down , you might get back up but your natural confidence is gone , everything takes a much bigger effort

Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it isn't possible. I know that you don't mean to knock anyone else down with that statement, and I know you're just stuck in a mindset that you can't see yourself ever getting your confidence back; but listen to me when I say that you will. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month - but you will, and it's so so important that you believe that - so that eventually you'll believe in yourself again. Darkness is so much easier to bear when you make yourself believe that someday the light will come back; just like every problem is easier to deal with once you can see a way of working towards a solution. I'm not religious, but there's a lot to be said about faith - both in yourself and the people around you.

irishh_bob

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Maybe in your experience. My experience, I grew stronger and wiser from it while continuing to be the same good person I was before. Psychological abuse has a different effect on different people. Some people literally go insane. Others fight it, finally walking away from it and become stronger for the experience.

i had psychological abuse from one person growing up , i went from the frying pan into the fire , i guess like most people , i had my breaking point

irishh_bob

BarackPyjama wrote: »

True. If you see my last point above. Some people grow stronger, others become twisted, bitter and unstable. Everyone is affected by it differently I suppose.

well if thier is a high chance that some people collapse , i think its cannot be called a possitve thing , even if some do thrive off the back of such turmoil

BarackPyjama

irishh_bob wrote: »

i had psychological abuse from one person growing up , i went from the frying pan into the fire , i guess like most people , i had my breaking point

Sorry to hear that. I think Dudess and I are speaking from the point of view of being in a temporary relationship with an abusive person so probably a different scenario from yours.

Kimia

Definitely have experienced it. I absolutely hate hate hate when someone does it - when they say something mean and then follow it with 'You're so sensitive'. :mad:

Since when did it become their job to decide if I'm so anything??

irishh_bob

G86 wrote: »

Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it isn't possible. I know that you don't mean to knock anyone else down with that statement, and I know you're just stuck in a mindset that you can't see yourself ever getting your confidence back; but listen to me when I say that you will. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month - but you will, and it's so so important that you believe that - so that eventually you'll believe in yourself again. Darkness is so much easier to bear when you make yourself believe that someday the light will come back; just like every problem is easier to deal with once you can see a way of working towards a solution. I'm not religious, but there's a lot to be said about faith - both in yourself and the people around you.

well its been more than thirteen years now and besides , i made poor self destructive descisions off the back off a breakdown which was inflicted by someone else , i compromised my own integrity and done things that im ashamed of , this would not have happened had someone not malisciously persuaded me that i was a rotten individual , stuff like that cannot simply be forgotten so a return to the way things were is impossible

coffee_cake

irishh_bob wrote: »

your truth and reality are not nessceserily mine

which means you have no place telling someone else they'll never be as confident again just because it happened to you

irishh_bob

Kimia wrote: »

Definitely have experienced it. I absolutely hate hate hate when someone does it - when they say something mean and then follow it with 'You're so sensitive'. :mad:

Since when did it become their job to decide if I'm so anything??

have you ever had someone ask you the following

give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like **** ?

Storminateacup

Generally when it's said to me it's because I'm having a heart attack over something ridiculous. I don't take it to mean that he's belittling my feelings, because if that does happen - that he mocks me if I'm genuinely upset, I will tell him I found it hurtful or whatever and he'll talk to me about the real reason I'm mad and not because he left his socks on in bed.

I do it to him too, I'll ask him if he's on his man period when he's clearly over reacting. It doesn't mean for a second I'm belittling his feelings, it just means "don't direct anger at me when it's not my fault"

Kimia

irishh_bob wrote: »

have you ever had someone ask you the following

give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like **** ?

No.

irishh_bob

bluewolf wrote: »

which means you have no place telling someone else they'll never be as confident again just because it happened to you

i used the word YOU in the plural , i.e , i told the postman you cant trust those politicans

you cant expect to be the same after a traumatic experience , im tougher in certain ways than i used to be but am i happier , no , even everything is going fine , too many permanent scars

irishh_bob

Kimia wrote: »

No.

that was the tone of verbal abuse i had to deal with while working overseas as a twenty year old over a decade ago , , its hard to know how to deal with it or more to the point , how to take possitives from it like some seem to claim exist , especially when such abuse causes you to doubt yourself at every level , hard to rebuild when you were not broken in the first place , always seems like the reconstruction is not up to the same standard as the original model and as such will only ever be second best

Das Kitty

irishh_bob wrote: »

i had psychological abuse from one person growing up , i went from the frying pan into the fire , i guess like most people , i had my breaking point

So did I, and yes I was very very low for a terribly long time, but now I am actually more confident and happier than I have ever been in my life.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but it takes a lot of hard work for being happy to come naturally. When it does though, oh my, it's the most wonderful feeling in creation.

PS, sorry you're still suffering dude.

irishh_bob

Das Kitty wrote: »

So did I, and yes I was very very low for a terribly long time, but now I am actually more confident and happier than I have ever been in my life.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but it takes a lot of hard work for being happy to come naturally. When it does though, oh my, it's the most wonderful feeling in creation.

PS, sorry you're still suffering dude.

i meant i had it growing up , i stayed strong and went overseas and then got it from someone else , you can only tollerate so many unlucky breaks

Das Kitty

irishh_bob wrote: »

i meant i had it growing up , i stayed strong and went overseas and then got it from someone else , you can only tollerate so many unlucky breaks

I meant the same, without the overseas bit.

Tigger99

irishh_bob wrote: »

have you ever had someone ask you the following

give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like **** ?

No, and its horrific that you went through such suffering, but you are being pretty dismissive about other peoples experiences, competitive almost. There's no need for it.

Storminateacup wrote: »

Generally when it's said to me it's because I'm having a heart attack over svomething ridiculous. I don't take it to mean that he's belittling my feelings, because if that does happen - that he mocks me if I'm genuinely upset, I will tell him I found it hurtful or whatever and he'll talk to me about the real reason I'm mad and not because he left his socks on in bed.

I do it to him too, I'll ask him if he's on his man period when he's clearly over reacting. It doesn't mean for a second I'm belittling his feelings, it just means "don't direct anger at me when it's not my fault"

Ok that's fine you both see think that you (or him even) are overreacting. But what about if you have a genuine concern and he says oh you are sooo sensitive, oh i was only joking (when he made you feel like sh I t) or that you were overreacting to something spiteful that he did? Now, im not saying he would, he sounds like a lovely fella, but its a bit more than the scenario you. are suggesting that you are overreacting, when you yourself think you are overreacting.

Storminateacup

Tigger99 wrote: »

that's fine you both see think that you (or him even) are overreacting. But what about if you have a genuine concern and he says oh you are sooo sensitive, oh i was only joking (when he made you feel like sh I t) or that you were overreacting to something spiteful that he did? Now, im not saying he would, he sounds like a lovely fella, but its a bit more than the scenario you. are suggesting that you are overreacting, when you yourself think you are overreacting.

if He called me fat (for example) knowing how sensitive I was about my weight, I'd hit the roof, and he could call me irrational all he liked but that'd be too bad because he was out of line...
I personally couldn't be with someone who would passively aggressively bully me.

Sometimes I am genuinely down or upset, and he'll rib me about over reacting, but he's generally wear me down to tell him what's wrong so while he might come across as an insensitive jerk, he does it so as I'll talk about the real reason I'm mad.

Does that make sense or did it make more sense in my head

Tigger99

Nope, that makes sense

You know the phrase passive agressive bully is a good one in the context of gaslighting.

It was such a relief the the first time I heard this behavior described, after my breakup, I second guessed everything I did because of his bs words and actions previously. It took me a while to acknowledge that my concerns were valid and should have been listened to.

irishh_bob

ive just realised that i misinterpreted the tone of this thread , its about abuse stemming from couple break ups , my experience was not based on that and thus irrelevant

so long folks

Tigger99

Um, its not just breakups, itd about anybodies concerns being dismissed by saying that they are overreacting. More from the ladies point of view, but without dismissing experiences from either sex.

Storminateacup

The more I think about it the more I realise girls will try do this to other girls, girls they're supposed to be friends with.. Frenemies if you will..

I've never been the kind of person who was bullied, because I could always give as good as I got and I'm quite good at standing up for myself. I personally wouldn't 2nd guess myself or feel inferior next to another person.

I guess while I'm not everybodys cup of tea, I have an incredibly strong (to the point of it being a fault) personality and should some miscreant be unfortunate to undermine my feelings or reactions, I'd give it to them with both barrells, be it boyfriends, teachers, or frenemies.

G86

irishh_bob wrote: »

ive just realised that i misinterpreted the tone of this thread , its about abuse stemming from couple break ups , my experience was not based on that and thus irrelevant

so long folks

Listen, I know it's hard to think that anyone else could have ever been in your position, and I know that sometimes acknowledging that they have and they've got through it can feel dismissive of just how bad you feel. But the thing is, just because other people have shared your pain doesn't make it any less significant. Just because other people have got through it doesn't mean it was easy, and it doesn't make you any less of a person for the way you feel right now.

I don't think it matters what anyone says in reply to you here, I know you can't change how you feel with the flick of a switch. But please just know that no-one means to hurt you with their comments, and I'm sure everyone here deeply sympathises with what you went through, and no-one doubts for one second just how horrific it must have been.

Maybe you're right, maybe you can't be happy like you were before; so don't try - work on a new future for yourself and try to create a new kind of happy. Because that's all any of us can do, we just try our best in life and no matter what it throws at us we just keep going.

You're in a bad place right now, but remember this - you're still here, you kept going. That's something to be proud of.

Tigger99

Storm, just to pick up on something you mentioned. If the behaviour starts off very subtle by a person who says they love you, its not always easy to recognise it. In fact, if someone is in denial about the behaviour of their oh, they mightn't see it until they get out of that situation

It's not as simple as letting someone second guess you .

The reason I'm saying this is if other women reading this blame themselves, and they shouldn't. Ive seen the normally most strident of women have this happen to them and its not always easy to recognise.

irishh_bob

G86 wrote: »

Listen, I know it's hard to think that anyone else could have ever been in your position, and I know that sometimes acknowledging that they have and they've got through it can feel dismissive of just how bad you feel. But the thing is, just because other people have shared your pain doesn't make it any less significant. Just because other people have got through it doesn't mean it was easy, and it doesn't make you any less of a person for the way you feel right now.

I don't think it matters what anyone says in reply to you here, I know you can't change how you feel with the flick of a switch. But please just know that no-one means to hurt you with their comments, and I'm sure everyone here deeply sympathises with what you went through, and no-one doubts for one second just how horrific it must have been.

Maybe you're right, maybe you can't be happy like you were before; so don't try - work on a new future for yourself and try to create a new kind of happy. Because that's all any of us can do, we just try our best in life and no matter what it throws at us we just keep going.

You're in a bad place right now, but remember this - you're still here, you kept going. That's something to be proud of.

your post is sincere and appreciated but i dont think anyone has hurt me on this thread , not for a second did i think that , an internet forum is not somewhere you can really hurt someone IMO tbh

Scarinae

Storminateacup wrote: »

The more I think about it the more I realise girls will try do this to other girls, girls they're supposed to be friends with.. Frenemies if you will..

Definitely, I've experienced it myself. I had two 'friends' in school do this to me, it was so gradual I'm not even sure when it began. Nothing was off-limits for their b1tchy comments - my hair, my weight, my boyfriend, things I said, things I did - but if I pulled them up on it, they'd be like "It was a JOKE, what is wrong with you, why are you so sensitive?!" Frequently, if I was trying to say something I'd be interrupted by "Yeah, no one cares". I know it seems trivial compared to what a lot of people on this thread have experienced, especially since we were only 14/15, but it really did knock my confidence for a long time, even after I snapped and moved to a new group of friends.

KittyeeTrix

I hate it to be told I'm being overly sensitive especially when I'm not. It is an attempt in my opinion to undermine a persons opinion

It can make you question yourself which i suppose was the intention of the person who suggests it in the first place. I usually take time to think about my position and then if I have been overly sensitive on a particular issue I'll admit it and move on

Dubhlinner

horrible thing to have done to you. should be illegal. If you any way go against the grain and the people benefitting from the grain don't like what you're saying the charismatic bully will have you destroyed.

I'd say people who are "alternative" get it the worst. Girls with piercings/tattoos. Guys with long hair. Perhaps why these people are often perceived as quiet by co-workers.

A good defence is to joke to these people that they are "showing off" or "acting the bully"

the latter may scare the sh*t out of them: no one in a modern office environment wants the b-word bandied about. but screw them its exactly what they are.

Sadly though nothing is likely to change. Prominent gaslighter types tend to be ridiculously popular.

Ugh wish I didn't read this thread. So many angry memories flooding back