What do you tell your kids?

Thumpette

Hi All,

I consider myself to be a fairly rational and sensible person, and have no belief at all in organised religion, and particularly despise the catholic church. Sometimes I wonder if there is 'something' out there, but I'm more inclined to the opinion that theres not.

I got married recently, and much to my annoyance with myself since, got convinced to go ahead with a church wedding even though neither myself nor himself are believers. Im well aware this is hyocritical and generally another mindless re-enforcement of the church (which in my opinion is one of the main sources of evil in the world) buy hey ho, its done, I gave in.

Anyway I supose the next question that will come up is kids, I would really like to not Christen them and let them make their own way and their own decisions in the world. Im pretty set with this decision (although it might be a battle). I do have some concerns over schools and stuff, but I dont think thats anything that cant be overcome.

My main query for your god selves is what you tell your kids when something bad happens, particularly when someone close dies. Lies it may be, but it does make for a nice responce for a child to exlain, granny's gone to heaven, she's hapy now and with a, b, c etc. Even though the time is still sad, it does allow you to provide comfort.

Im just really wondering what you tell your kids at times like this? Do you sometimes wish you could soften the blow for them with tough times in life?

Thanks!

fatmammycat

Thumpette wrote: »

Hi All,

I consider myself to be a fairly rational and sensible person, and have no belief at all in organised religion, and particularly despise the catholic church. Sometimes I wonder if there is 'something' out there, but I'm more inclined to the opinion that theres not.

I got married recently, and much to my annoyance with myself since, got convinced to go ahead with a church wedding even though neither myself nor himself are believers. Im well aware this is hyocritical and generally another mindless re-enforcement of the church (which in my opinion is one of the main sources of evil in the world) buy hey ho, its done, I gave in.

Anyway I supose the next question that will come up is kids, I would really like to not Christen them and let them make their own way and their own decisions in the world. Im pretty set with this decision (although it might be a battle). I do have some concerns over schools and stuff, but I dont think thats anything that cant be overcome.

My main query for your god selves is what you tell your kids when something bad happens, particularly when someone close dies. Lies it may be, but it does make for a nice responce for a child to exlain, granny's gone to heaven, she's hapy now and with a, b, c etc. Even though the time is still sad, it does allow you to provide comfort.

Im just really wondering what you tell your kids at times like this? Do you sometimes wish you could soften the blow for them with tough times in life?

Thanks!

You can tell them that granny/whoever has died and that –depending on circumstances of death and age of children – they are no longer in any pain/discomfort and that even though they're gone you will always carry them in your hearts and memories, so that they're never gone fully from your life. I think that is just as comforting as making up stories about heaven and so forth.

fatmammycat

One other thing, my father died when I was quite young and I actually found it deeply offensive when people would prattle on about Heaven, and being in 'a better place' and all that kind of talk. I liked when people spoke about him, and really liked when people told me stories about him that I hadn't known. That helped a lot.

strobe

The truth. You can never go wrong with the truth.

Galvasean

Thumpette wrote: »

Im just really wondering what you tell your kids at times like this? Do you sometimes wish you could soften the blow for them with tough times in life?

Circle of Life. No really, there is no better explanation for kids than what Mustafa tells Simba in the Lion King.
that and a healthy dose of David Attenborough nature shows. When the kids experience the wonders of reality they won't need fairy tales.

redfacedbear

Galvasean wrote: »

Circle of Life. No really, there is no better explanation for kids than what Mustafa tells Simba in the Lion King.
that and a healthy dose of David Attenborough nature shows. When the kids experience the wonders of reality they won't need fairy tales.

But Mustafa tells Simba that their ancestors are now stars in the sky!

I'm probably going to go a similar route - it's part of life and keeping them alive in our memories is the best we can do. My eldest is six now so it's something I'm going to probably have to deal with soon enough

Thumpette

You guys talk a lot of sence! Thanks

Galvasean

redfacedbear wrote: »

But Mustafa tells Simba that their ancestors are now stars in the sky!

I meant more along the lines of dying, becoming grass and being eaten by antelope.

recedite

Galvasean wrote: »

I meant more along the lines of dying and being eaten by vultures.

FYP

Tibetans have sky burials instead of/as well as sky fairies.

iguana

I thought a little like you did, OP, a few years ago when my grandmother died. My little cousins were easily able to accept that nana was in heaven and weren't too upset. It seemed like an easy way to deal with a difficult situation. However after a month or two the questions started. 'When is she coming back? I want to see my nana? Doesn't she love me any more, that she won't come back? Why won't you go get her? Why can't anyone come back from heaven? Why would they go there?' etc, etc.

The idea of heaven doesn't offer a simple answer to a loaded question, it just kicks the can down the road and may ultimately add to the upset.

Dades

redfacedbear wrote: »

But Mustafa tells Simba that their ancestors are now stars in the sky!

I kinda like that idea.

My daughter thinks she was a star on the sky before she was born. In a way, according to Carl Sagan, it's not entirely untrue.

Sonics2k

My daughter has reached that age where she asks these questions, however she's an incredibly literal minded child and far to intelligent for her own good.

After a funeral I attended some months ago, she asked me what it was about and who it was for.

Rather than tell her that they had gone to Heaven or anything like that, I simply pointed out the truth.

The person had passed away simply due to old age, and we were burying her with the earth. So that over time, she would become part of it, as would we someday.
The person may be now dead, but will never be forgotten as she had a large loving family of many generations, and we will never forget her.

It turned out my daughter had asked a teacher a similar question, who told her about Heaven and all that stuff, and my daughter quite clearly said
"That really makes no sense" with a puzzled expression and then went back to her drawing.

Mistress 69

Hi Thumpette....There is no answer to this question....Easy to say as we all do that the deceased is gone to Heaven.( ps am Happy to say that all four Grandparents are still in the land of the living:))...I have only recently woken up to a certain reality.... and as Carlos Santana says... let the Children Play!


Mistress 69

dvpower

Mistress 69 wrote: »

Hi Thumpette....There is no answer to this question....

There have been a whole page of reasonable answers to the OP's question.

Ave Sodalis

There's a great quote in The Peaceful Warrior about death:
"It’s a transformation"
"Death ?"
"Yes. It’s a little more radical than puberty but nothing to get upset about."


Anyway, I would just tell your daughter your own beliefs about death, be it Heaven or nothingness, ashes to ashes etc...
If you wish your children to make their own decisions about their beliefs, how about letting them make their own opinion on death. Just ensure them that it's not something to fear and that it happens to everyone

robindch

Sonics2k wrote: »

It turned out my daughter had asked a teacher a similar question, who told her about Heaven and all that stuff, and my daughter quite clearly said "That really makes no sense" with a puzzled expression and then went back to her drawing.

Reminds me of a dinner chez nous a few years back in which an elderly relative was waffling on about god so much that my brother's eldest kid leaned across the table and said "But god is all just made up".

ShooterSF

dvpower wrote: »

There have been a whole page of reasonable answers to the OP's question.

If you still use 15 posts per page noob :P

I don't intend to have kids but if I ever get asked I think I'd be as honest as I can explaining that that's my opinion and others hold many more. I'd happily list a tonne for a kid and let them decide what they feel is write though probably directly after a funeral of a close relative is a bad time for information over load.

Mistress 69

dvpower wrote: »

There have been a whole page of reasonable answers to the OP's question.

You are, of course, totally correct. Please excuse my 3 to 4 am ish ramblings.

Having said that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my post on the subject. Myself and spouse have one son of 8. A funeral of a neighbours Father was only a week ago and I have to totally agree with Shooter SF and the information overload issue. Our kids are still in school and whether we like it or not have been told exactly what we were. This time last year I never even heard of boards or the A&A forum. I have said before, it has changed my beliefs held since childhood. I am not about to drop that on my family. Just like me, they have loads of time to make up their own minds. Sorry if this appears to be a rant.

Zoria

Apologies for digging up this thread, I was exploring this forum because it's something that has been on my mind lately, I am agnostic. I also have children, and I'm happy to let them believe what they wish. When asked, I told them that I was atheist, and thought God was a bit of a stretch for me. One my children seems to want to believe in God and heaven etc., which makes it difficult when he asks me questions about the afterlife. He gets very upset at the thought of there being no heaven or being able to see me in the after life. I'm not saying directly to him that there is no such thing as heaven, but he knows I'm dancing around the subject rather than upset him. It's a tough one.

magicbastarder

strobe wrote: »

The truth. You can never go wrong with the truth.

MagicMarker

Zoria wrote: »

Apologies for digging up this thread, I was exploring this forum because it's something that has been on my mind lately, I am agnostic. I also have children, and I'm happy to let them believe what they wish. When asked, I told them that I was atheist, and thought God was a bit of a stretch for me. One my children seems to want to believe in God and heaven etc., which makes it difficult when he asks me questions about the afterlife. He gets very upset at the thought of there being no heaven or being able to see me in the after life. I'm not saying directly to him that there is no such thing as heaven, but he knows I'm dancing around the subject rather than upset him. It's a tough one.

How old is he?

Zoria

MagicMarker wrote: »

How old is he?

Nearly 9. He is very attached to me and quite an emotional child as well. I'm afraid I'm not supporting him in this way, but it is difficult as I don't want to lie to him either.

CerebralCortex

Galvasean wrote: »

Circle of Life. No really, there is no better explanation for kids than what Mustafa tells Simba in the Lion King.
that and a healthy dose of David Attenborough nature shows. When the kids experience the wonders of reality they won't need fairy tales.

I'm calling bullsh!t, I find nothing more sanctimonious then the Lion King and the circle of life nonsense. TBH I hate these threads it's the one place atheists get all gooey and irrational. Telling the truth hurts so they make **** up.

Also, why aren't we allowed to curse on boards.ie?

Turtwig

I obviously wasn't thinking the last time this thread was posted.

Filled with more parenting theme stock photos than Youth Defence can imagine, Zoria (and OP), this is well worth your 10 mins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7oA--rJ_QM

speaking

Galvasean wrote: »

a healthy dose of David Attenborough nature shows. When the kids experience the wonders of reality they won't need fairy tales.

Yes of course, when the lion mercilessly kills the weakest of the wildibest, I tell my kids,

"kids that's what its like for people too, don't be weak, seek out the vulnerable and use them for your advantage."

And like in the natural world it it probably more logical to put down weakness in our society as that's what would happen in the natural world.

Yep the weak are fair game.

CerebralCortex

Jernal wrote: »

I obviously wasn't thinking the last time this thread was posted.

Filled with more parenting theme stock photos than Youth Defence can imagine, Zoria (and OP), this is well worth your 10 mins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7oA--rJ_QM

Ah C0nd0rdance you probably couldn't get anymore square then that dude.

magicbastarder

speaking wrote: »

Yep the weak are fair game.

grand so. i'll kill your kids and eat them.

Zoria

Jernal wrote: »

I obviously wasn't thinking the last time this thread was posted.

Filled with more parenting theme stock photos than Youth Defence can imagine, Zoria (and OP), this is well worth your 10 mins.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7oA--rJ_QM

Thanks for that, it was an interesting watch. He says he still takes his kids to church, which I find interesting. He has educated them that there are religions outside of their own faith, but he is guiding them in his own faith. This is the part that makes me wonder. I put my children into a catholic school, though without any regard for the religion itself. There were just no other schools in the area. One of my other children is atheist, and sees the religious events such as communion and confirmation as a day out, or a time to "collect". He is yet to make his confirmation, and I'm seriously thinking about not allowing him to do so based on his beliefs and attitude. Communions and confirmations are expensive, and to have that attitude seems a complete waste of time on both our parts. I agree with the guy in that video, and I do allow my children to question everything. The only thing that bothers me about that is when the questions come earlier than they are able to handle.

extra gravy

A Martin Amis quote that I find that very comforting and would pass on to any kids I may have - "This is where we really go when we die: into the hearts of those who remember us."

magicbastarder

magicbastarder wrote: »

grand so. i'll kill your kids and eat them.

calm down with the abusive PMs, speaking.

Zoria

magicbastarder wrote: »

calm down with the abusive PMs, speaking.

I think I can set aside my childrens questions for a moment. Why are you talking to yourself?