LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

DeVore

ThomasFlynn wrote: »

Going through another heavy depressed phase right now. Oh well looks like I've got to hide under the duvet again and pray it will go away.

It wont go away that way. When I get bad I have a habit of "wallowing" and throwing a big pity-party. Its horrible and I hate when I get like that but another part of me gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of a dose of the "poormes". Its why I have to use the mantra of "get up get out get on". I have to force myself through gritted teeth to get going and get on my feet and challenge it. I have to do the things I *know* will help but I *feel* are pointless.

Doing the same things as before just leads to the same outcomes. I had to make one of the scariest breaks in my comfortable but miserable "rut" to find out that there are much better ways to live. Turns out, there is, but it takes a great big dollop of nerve to get up and go there.

shuridunno

1ZRed wrote: »

Hey you'll be alright:) listen to some music, watch some tv and stuff your face! All with a little beer and you'll be sorted;)

That may well be good advice, but seeing as I'm a recovering alcoholic and fell off the wagon last week leading to this present bout of ****tiness, I'II forego the beer:D.
So, I turned to food to hide away in and can't stuff my face as I'm already fat as a pig:o
See my predicament.....:eek:, but shur, I'II be grand, getting older is useful that way, the morning came, I felt better, forced negative thoughts on myself and clawing my way back to better health.


I just have to find away to get on with it without using any addiction to cope.

SharpshooterTom

Some alleged qualified 'nurse' on a digitalspy thread accused me of faking my illness. I couldn't be genuine because I'm planning a holiday to Spain? And that I should stop and understand how 'real' depressed people feel like. I am WUM etc. Really??

But the reason why I am planning my holiday to Spain was to try to break my cycle of depression as oppose to sitting at home all day crying by getting out a fighting it. Travelling is one of my hobbies, I love doing it.

It makes you lose faith in real life services when you get people like that online who make such accuastions and she was supposed to be qualified. Should I ring the samaritans or will they think I am faking it as well? Because I really thinking I shouldn't incase I come across as fake. Christ hate insensitive idiots online.

DeVore

Then stay offline from those sorts of sites. You need interpersonal relationships (as much as I understand thats a problem as you see it) not words on a screen, they arent a replacement. Its good you are going on holiday, meet new people, force yourself into contact with the human race. You're part of it and detaching isnt an answer, in fact its the core of the problem for me anyway...

Btw, just so you know, in my experience in 23 years online I have to tell you, lots of people online... are wrong. I know :eek:

jammstarr

DeVore wrote: »

Then stay offline from those sorts of sites. You need interpersonal relationships (as much as I understand thats a problem as you see it) not words on a screen, they arent a replacement. Its good you are going on holiday, meet new people, force yourself into contact with the human race. You're part of it and detaching isnt an answer, in fact its the core of the problem for me anyway...

Btw, just so you know, in my experience in 23 years online I have to tell you, lots of people online... are wrong. I know :eek:

Good point there DeVore regarding online "experts".

I find the interpersonal relationships very hard: from maintaining existing ones to creating new ones. I suppose it's just a case of keeping at it though.

DeVore

Cleaning the house today, kinda work-therapy but in a good mood cos of the sun which is always a positive!

Slapped this on from a little know hip hop band with some great tunes. Imagine me sweeping the floor to it wiggling my tush, g'wan I dares yah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsEquCPfd5M

Pottler

I put David Guettas "Titanium" as my ringtone on my phone - if I'm feeling crap and the phone won't stop ringing, at least the tune cheers me up and reminds me that I am tough enough to get through the really sh1tty phases of life. In the past, when I was going through what seemed like hell in my personal and work life, I had "I get knocked down, but I get up again" as my ringtone - every time the phone rang I got a blast of a tune that gave me just that bit of extra strength to keep going, mentally and physically. Best of all, if someone you don't want to speak to rings, you get an even longer blast by not answering.:) "This too will pass" has become my personal mantra, hard as it is to convince yourself it's true when everything seems bleak and pointless. But it does.

dyer

i love you guys

it's more than amazing to see so many people coming together to help each other.

1ZRed

shuridunno wrote: »

That may well be good advice, but seeing as I'm a recovering alcoholic and fell off the wagon last week leading to this present bout of ****tiness, I'II forego the beer:D.
So, I turned to food to hide away in and can't stuff my face as I'm already fat as a pig:o
See my predicament.....:eek:, but shur, I'II be grand, getting older is useful that way, the morning came, I felt better, forced negative thoughts on myself and clawing my way back to better health.


I just have to find away to get on with it without using any addiction to cope.

I understand. I don't really know what I am to be honest, I seem to build myself up with some very bad things like drink...and the rest but it's kind of like an addiction to drown my thoughts when I crash so I get you(I don't think I have a problem yet with it though)

Anyway man I wouldn't force negative thoughts on yourself to get better, it might motivate you to do something in the meantime but it might lead you to fall down and wallow in it eventually.
Just think positively and be happy with what you have, work steadily to place you want to be and don't dwell on the things you wish you were. I dunno but small things like that help me move along nicely, if it can apply to you too and it makes you happier that's great:)

dyer

don't put too much pressure on yourself, by the very definition of an alcoholic i'd imagine most irish people would qualify, myself included. i have some friends who are going through the hoops.. from what i can see, they're just moving their impulses from one form to another.. be it drugs.. red bull, exercise.. whatever.. they still haven't solved the problem..even if they're exercising and doing something healthy.. its still to excess. you have to sit down and stare down whatever it is inside yourself that drives you to do that.. at least in my opinion.. otherwise.. i don't think anything really changes even if you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Carbon Bootprint

Sorry I've got nothing to add here for the moment, but I'm really glad I finally checked this thread out after trying to avoid it for some time. Great stuff here, especially about about exercise and cutting down on alcohol. If you can't tell I'm in the same boat.

dyer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYBVAfvRpps

this song never fails to blow my mind.

itac

Hopefully I'm coming out the other side of a bad bout, even though it's been raining since I woke up, everything feels a little fresher this morning. I posted this on my blog this at the start of the year, but it still rings true now and I thought I'd share it on the hopes that it resonates with someone.


A black fog...is about the best way I can describe it. I don't know how, or why it arrives, or when it will arrive, but arrive it does, and it is, if you'll pardon the language, a right wee ****er.

I read this brilliantly funny piece about depression earlier called "Adventures in Depression" (yes, funny piece...about depression....it can be done!!) and it got me thinking about what I like to call the black fog..(I like dogs too much to associate them with bad things...) Depression for me, when it arrives is very much like driving toward fog, you kinda think there might be something a bit weird about the view up ahead, and then all of a sudden, you're in the middle of it, and while everything looks pretty much the same, it also all looks a bit strange, a bit dull, and everything just seems more than a bit ****ed up in the world.

Depression is hard to describe if you've not gone through it (although to be fair, most of you who I know read on here will have gone through it, and those of you I don't, I'd guess will have gone through something similar at some point...) It's difficult to explain because it affects everyone so differently. And, a lot of the time, it hits me differently. Sometimes I need to get away from everyone, everything, get to a place I've never been before where nobody knows me, and get lost for a while. Sometimes, I just need to be around people, just absorbing, and sometimes, I end up going out drinking/running/using my punchbag/playing guitar far too loudly, venting in some way. And sometimes, I just sit, or lie somewhere listening to mellow music and thinking far too much about every little thing in my life.

Sometimes I know it's coming, and by doing some of the above, I manage to avoid it. Othertimes, it seems to creep up on me, while I'm busy with work, with people I care about, with life-distracted in some way. All of a sudden, the simple things seem so so difficult, and completely pointless, and the slightest annoyance becomes huge. Yet, like a fog, it always drifts away eventually, and leaves me looking around at everything with fresh, happy eyes, and the feeling that life has the potential to be absolutely fantastic.

The reason I'm writing all this is that over the last week, I shared something rather serious from my past with a wonderful person, and his response kinda reminded me why it's good to share the heavy loads that we carry with us in our lives. Today, I had a long talk with my housemate about the blog I linked above, and it was, as they say, good to talk. And it reminded me of the power of words, the feeling that you get when you read what someone's written, and realise that someone else is going/has gone through what you're going through, and that you can get through it too.

I guess as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at recognising when it's arriving (and no you smart-arses, it's not pmt!) and can mostly head it off by doing one of the many things above. Sometimes though, I feel like I need it to arrive to work through old stuff. One of the biggest lessons I've learnt is that by ignoring those feelings, it'll just come back bigger and stronger another time. So I've taken to spending time alone when I feel I need it, I'll just opt out for a while. (which in this almost 24/7 contactable world isn't always appreciated, but, to put it impolitely, the world can **** right off.) Call it headspace, soulspace, breathingspace, outerspace....I dunno what it is, but sure whatever works!

Music is the other big thing that works. Again, I don't know why, and the logical part of me thinks it makes no sense for a series of notes played on varying instruments to have the power to make or break a mood, but, as an old scrap of paper on my wall says, music is the language we use when words don't work. Certain pieces just go straight to the soul, and have, on occasion, left me holding my breath with their beauty. If I close my eyes and listen to different songs, different works, everything seems ok with the world, everything seems like it's gonna come good again. It might last a few days, or it might last just a few hours...and sometimes, if I feel like the fog isn't gonna lift anytime soon, I build a playlist around it, starting off with the most melancholy pieces, and slowly working up toward the most uplifting, moving pieces I can find, and several plays later, find that everything seems that bit clearer in life.

This is a very serious entry isn't it? It wasn't intended to be so serious, originally I was just going to write about how much I loved that Hyperbole blog and how simple it is yet how it puts across such a serious message. Because I tend toward the optimistic views of life, very few people seem to comprehend that I could be anything other than a happy smiley lady 24/7. I guess, to quote those wonderful wordsmiths Linkin Park (!) even the people who never frown eventually break down.

I also guess that it's what you do when you're down that determines how well you'll come back. So far, I appear to be doing ok with that. And most of that's down to my amazing friends, who manage to somehow support me, without making me feel dependent, who help me through stuff without my having to ask for help, who make those fog-filled days and sometimes, weeks, seem brighter. They say your friends are the family you choose for yourself. I'm one lucky lady. So, if you're reading this and you're a friend of mine, consider this a virtual thank you, with a gigantic hug attached. And if you're not a friend of mine, consider this a virtual gigantic hug as I'm in a huggy mood. (and no, for those of you who know me really well, that does not mean I've been drinking tonight.....it just means I'm in a huggy happy mood!)

Anyhoo, enough of dark times and bad moods and suchlike. Here's a man who always makes me smile....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaXCQ_wZidU
I have his picture on my guitar, and spent many a year convinced we'd get married...alas, we have not yet met...but this is a leap year, so maybe I'll head stateside for the 29th...?! Oh, and he's playing with some dude called Harry Belafonte...whoever he might be... (",)

guitarzero

Continuos sinking feeling today. An emptiness just seemed to seep out and suspend itself in every part of me. I just imagined taking my brain out of my head and rinsing it like a dirty, rotten sponge and placing it back in again in order to see things again. In order to digest and inhale life again like I once did, when everything spoke to me in a way that enriched my senses. It almost seems as though somewhere a long the line life slowly stop calling me out.

I feel damned. Its like all these boats are just sailing past and all my deficiencies are preventing me from getting aboard. I've tried to give a crap about the things that people create, invest in, revel in, become enamoured by, become engrossed in. But no matter what I do, time and change drag me by the heels through this monotonous task of maintaining ones existance. It's like there is some collective mind, a hierarchy that one almost naturally finds themselves in and thus a level of ease in continuing. I see people together, smiling, laughing, interacting with a vibrancy that shows an authenticity in thier sharing. And so I'm left to wonder again and again, why am I so f*cking flawed and arguably dispensable?

I simply cant believe how I wake up to the day. I almost look at the day in utter bewilderment thinking "Come on! You must be f*cking joking!". I really dont know what I can give to this day that insists I get up, that enforces laws that require me to sustain myself. Sometimes I think I could run and run and not stop til my heart gave out, til my lungs collapsed.
I've totally undone any persona I managed to conjure up over my life due to the sheer lack of anything I've gained by it. I also learned you cant really recreate a persona that worth maintaining.

And so year after year I trawl a long in dulled, supressed anger, jealousy and confusion. I dont get how my dilemma is so exceptional. Surely, surely there are more people who suffer of existance. Surely work, tv, weekends and settling for less and less has lost its charm? I'm dumbfounded as to how I'm still very alone in my battle. I know I'm going on here but there has to be something, someone, anything that can break this dying feeling.

I had actually thought of simply sitting it out. Literally meditating for hours a day. To really come around to myself, the thoughts and emotions that are perhaps willing me to die. That if I could see these when they arise maybe I could get to the source. I do know that I can never join a heard or flock. I dont know how much I can compromise anymore in life. There must be give and take but no matter what I give I cant get back.

If you've read this far I've probably stolen years from you but I'll post this anyway, I think its very powerful.

"I know I am rusted metal, scraping against sidewalks of forgotten cities, an unheard groan of a freezing pipe in a condemned building. I know, I know, believe me...I know. I know my words vapourize and lose all meaning as they evacuate my mouth. I know that all the years spent, all the miles travelled, all the sleep lost - just time wasted. Time wasted! Like leaving a lamp burning in an unoccupied room. A waste! What a horrible thing, time wasted. The ravages of futility. Inspirations annihilating backhand. At the end of the trail, to find the pockets heavy with fools gold, the ribs cracked from the last cheap shot and the heart helplessly empty....what a waste.
And even though this is the cheaply woven fabric of my life, even though I am the hand that knocks on unwelcomed and uninvited on doors of empty houses, the cultivator of insufferable misery on hot endless nights of paranoia. Ceaselessly unedurable and obsessive repitition. A life nailed to the ground by dulled cowardice and uninventive thought. In spite of all that, there was a time when I.......when I thought something more than all this was in my grasp. There was a time when I could feel the ground underneath my feet and I walked forward into time instead of standing still, stranded in semi-darkness with skewed memories of the past to keep me. I dont remember when I pulled back. I dont remember when I called it a day. I dont remember when I slipped underneath the surface of life and ended up here. I dont remember. I dont know"

LH Pathe

I had a relapse, other night after 6-7yr at 35 n realized this was what I must have wanted so I just pulled back on the cloak of denial which I'm much more adept at now. I don't like what I percieve as weakness, what others percieve as weakness it's like they'd recognize it; only to compound it all the while only gaining more confidence emselves. 'Friends' in particular but they can't have known, could they? Preppies don't know true suffering and anxiety do they? And their unbroken homes and in receipt of more kisses than kicks n big-ups than put-downs n.. I can't be caught prone like that again. Even just to feel that low, I know my years on the street did untold damage too whilst others were only moving on to greater things but I just wanted an air of humility; of sufferation. of soul...

Now I'm like a watchhdog traipsing industrial estates in the small hours for piece of mind, ensuring nothing is askew. Like some.. surveyor.... Guardian angel; that is my purpose where there is none and I must believe that. For I am gods lonely manchild and I must vent a noncholant, comedic air of idiocy to keep my spirits up. I insist.

SharpshooterTom

Just beginning to look up now. Feeling positive about my treatments and programs, although in truth I still feel the anti-depressants aren't working. My psychiatrist said we would change them if they show no signs of improvement by the next time I see her (17th of July).

But I beginning to feel positive about my life a bit more, maybe that initial phase of feeling sorry for myself is wearing off a little and working towards actually changing it is actually beginning. I still get depressive bouts though.

DeVore

Pity is lethal to me. If I start to pity myself I allow myself to justify all kinds of self destructive behaviour. Its awful hard not to though, especially when I feel like I've been beaten up by the world. Thomas, you sound like a great guy, (I'm glad you're with us here on this thread).
I tweeted recently "Lots of people like me. I've decided to be one of them." That was a challenge to me and still is, but its the only road to dealing with this, for me.

Drumpot

Felt so nervous earlier I thought I was going to get sick. Nails are bitten as far as they will go. Want to stay up as late as possible each night (till 4am last night) so I dont end up lieing in bed thinking about everything that annoys/upsets me. Amazing how my brain decides that bedtime is the best time to try and find solutions to all my problems.

I am lucky in that I can pinpoint a large part of why Im feeling so bad at the moment (cant do it always!), but its no comfort.

I feel like my life is being consumed by the negative world that exists in my head. I struggle to completely "commit" to the enjoyment of time with my children. Indeed, I dont seem to be able to "commit" my emotions to anything else other the the fact that I feel like a complete and uttter failure. My wife is currently getting a scan on her breasts (she has a gene that means she has to get them removed eventually cause she is a really high risk of ovarian/breast cancer) and I struggled to even bring myself to ask her how she feels about it. Not because I dont care, but because I can barely keep myself together , let alonge bare the thought of anything happening to my exceptionally supportive wife!

One of the symptoms of my current mood/form is that I might feel like taking a bunch of xanex one moment and after a few deep breaths (or a cry) I might feel like I can take on the world.

Drumpot

Incidentally, one of my favourate "self wallowing" songs . . Listen to it on your ipod full blast, close your eyes and take deep breaths . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jmNzMlyCFI

Roger Sterling

DeVore wrote: »

Pity is lethal to me. If I start to pity myself I allow myself to justify all kinds of self destructive behaviour. Its awful hard not to though, especially when I feel like I've been beaten up by the world. Thomas, you sound like a great guy, (I'm glad you're with us here on this thread).
I tweeted recently "Lots of people like me. I've decided to be one of them." That was a challenge to me and still is, but its the only road to dealing with this, for me.

Self pity is one of the things I have to work hard on not doing. I can so easily slip into the mindset that the world is out to get me and I can so easily find reasons to hate and resent everyone around me. Its actually a bit frightening at times how I can oscillate between seemeingly being contented and the next minute seething internally with resentment towards my loved ones over something that I've blown out of all proportion in my mind. What makes it worse is that I'm very bad at expressing myself when there's something I'm not happy about. Instead it stays inside and becomes this horrible knot of anger and unhappiness inside that escalates into an all consuming feeling that everyone is out to get me. inevitably its my poor girlfriend who bears the brunt of it. If she actually read my mind sometimes and heard the horrible things I scream at her in my head when I'm in one of these moods she'd run a million miles.:(

My question is how do you snap yourself out of that cycle of directing such horrible thoughts and feelings to people who in reality have done nothing but love and care for you?

Yearning4Stormy

Drumpot wrote: »

Felt so nervous earlier I thought I was going to get sick. Nails are bitten as far as they will go. Want to stay up as late as possible each night (till 4am last night) so I dont end up lieing in bed thinking about everything that annoys/upsets me. Amazing how my brain decides that bedtime is the best time to try and find solutions to all my problems.

...

One of the symptoms of my current mood/form is that I might feel like taking a bunch of xanex one moment and after a few deep breaths (or a cry) I might feel like I can take on the world.

Drumpot, I know exactly what you mean. I will post later this evening, but in the meantime, let's keep this excellent support thread going.

Roger Sterling

Drumpot wrote: »

Felt so nervous earlier I thought I was going to get sick. Nails are bitten as far as they will go. Want to stay up as late as possible each night (till 4am last night) so I dont end up lieing in bed thinking about everything that annoys/upsets me. Amazing how my brain decides that bedtime is the best time to try and find solutions to all my problems.

I am lucky in that I can pinpoint a large part of why Im feeling so bad at the moment (cant do it always!), but its no comfort.

I feel like my life is being consumed by the negative world that exists in my head. I struggle to completely "commit" to the enjoyment of time with my children. Indeed, I dont seem to be able to "commit" my emotions to anything else other the the fact that I feel like a complete and uttter failure. My wife is currently getting a scan on her breasts (she has a gene that means she has to get them removed eventually cause she is a really high risk of ovarian/breast cancer) and I struggled to even bring myself to ask her how she feels about it. Not because I dont care, but because I can barely keep myself together , let alonge bare the thought of anything happening to my exceptionally supportive wife!

One of the symptoms of my current mood/form is that I might feel like taking a bunch of xanex one moment and after a few deep breaths (or a cry) I might feel like I can take on the world.

Nighttime is a hard time for me too, especially recently. Nothing worse than being physically tired and knowing you need to sleep so you won't be useless in work the next day but for sleep to seem a million miles away as you're lying there in a physical and mental knot with your mind racing. There's nothing more lonely.

DeVore

Roger Sterling wrote: »

Self pity is one of the things I have to work hard on not doing. I can so easily slip into the mindset that the world is out to get me and I can so easily find reasons to hate and resent everyone around me. Its actually a bit frightening at times how I can oscillate between seemeingly being contented and the next minute seething internally with resentment towards my loved ones over something that I've blown out of all proportion in my mind. What makes it worse is that I'm very bad at expressing myself when there's something I'm not happy about. Instead it stays inside and becomes this horrible knot of anger and unhappiness inside that escalates into an all consuming feeling that everyone is out to get me. inevitably its my poor girlfriend who bears the brunt of it. If she actually read my mind sometimes and heard the horrible things I scream at her in my head when I'm in one of these moods she'd run a million miles.:(

My question is how do you snap yourself out of that cycle of directing such horrible thoughts and feelings to people who in reality have done nothing but love and care for you?

When I find out that answer, I will let you know (and bottle it to make a fortune!).

I can completely empathise about the internal monologue and the knots of hate. Its horrible, I have come to really dislike that feeling. Even your description of it is so familiar it made me feel unwell.

I don't have an instant answer for you but I can tell you what has helped me. Firstly, its "love" as sappy as that sounds ... I go into my feelings and bring up good memories of the people I am hating on, remind yourself of the love you have for them and they have for you. Thats an awful hard thing to do when for whatever reason you just want to nail them to a cross.
Second is to accept yourself and accept the situation and unclench They wont have a single pang from all the pain and suffering I'm putting them (and myself) through. I cant tell you the hours I've wasted inventing new ways to be nasty to someone who has hurt me in the past... Then try to accept that they have hurt you, another difficult one for me. I have to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and feel my way through it when I just want to push it deep down... amazingly I'm finding that that goes a long way to unblocking the anger and hurt.

After that, if you find an answer PM me!

Roger Sterling

DeVore wrote: »

When I find out that answer, I will let you know (and bottle it to make a fortune!).

I can completely empathise about the internal monologue and the knots of hate. Its horrible, I have come to really dislike that feeling. Even your description of it is so familiar it made me feel unwell.

I don't have an instant answer for you but I can tell you what has helped me. Firstly, its "love" as sappy as that sounds ... I go into my feelings and bring up good memories of the people I am hating on, remind yourself of the love you have for them and they have for you. Thats an awful hard thing to do when for whatever reason you just want to nail them to a cross.
Second is to accept yourself and accept the situation and unclench They wont have a single pang from all the pain and suffering I'm putting them (and myself) through. I cant tell you the hours I've wasted inventing new ways to be nasty to someone who has hurt me in the past... Then try to accept that they have hurt you, another difficult one for me. I have to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and feel my way through it when I just want to push it deep down... amazingly I'm finding that that goes a long way to unblocking the anger and hurt.

After that, if you find an answer PM me!

Its nice to hear someone that uunderstands exactly how I feel I have to say. Pushing things deep down is the killer for me. Its what I've been doing all my life as long as I can remember. When I was living at home as a child it was a completely toxic environment - physically abusive parents, so much unspoken anger and unexpressed feelings, we all felt so restricted and tied down, none of us ever learned how to express ourselves. I guess a part of it is that my "go to" way of thinking is to believe that I'm not even important enough to talk about in the first place, that what I'm feeling won't matter to anyone else or that they'll simply think what I'm saying is stupid. I'm trying to work on believeing that I'm "worth" talking about, that my feelings are important but deep down its hard to shake the embedded notion that I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t. If someone is traeted like crap for long enough, thats how they end up feeling most of the time - like crap. Its hard to shake it off.:(

DeVore

One thing I'm discovering is that the first step on the road to mental well-being is first accepting what the reality of the situation is. If I want to make changes to a fictitious character, I cant be all that surprised when they don't have any real world affect! The next thing I've been doing is trying to accept that I dont need to be perfect and that its not "pass/fail". (I can fail at something without losing my entire worth as a human being ). Being at peace with myself makes me more resilient to the imagined slights of others.

Roger, I know exactly that negative spiral. I've been trying to break it for decades, literally decades. Recently I've had a good bit of success by simply realising that when I'm in that "I'll ****ing show them" war-mode, my thinking is crappy. So I tell myself "don't make any plans or decisions or anything while you're thinking is crappy". I also use as much rationality as possible to expose how crappy my thinking is so for example I'm angry with a loved one and have built a mountain out of a molehill in my head and I have decided they have deliberated sh*t on me etc etc... I try to think "If that were really true, why would they have rung me last week to go for a pint" or "why did they hug me last month when I was down about something else". The inconsistency of that points to crappy thinking. Then I can go "aaahhhhh, I'm thinking badly, I'm all hurt and p*ssed off, not a good time to plan or decide anything"... once I've accepted that, I can deal with it by the tactics I detailed above.
Now all of this is very new territory for me but its really having an impact (its bloody hard, I'm quite a warrior when I want to be and the temptation to go to war is enormous for me!). I'm finding that the path of peace brings a lot more contentment to me now though, even if its very hard to swallow at times

And hey, your feelings are important too... important to me, cos as much as you say its good to hear someone else is like, well... if you didnt share your feelings with me, I'd be sitting here thinking I was alone in my knottiness too. Thanks...

Roger Sterling

DeVore wrote: »

One thing I'm discovering is that the first step on the road to mental well-being is first accepting what the reality of the situation is. If I want to make changes to a fictitious character, I cant be all that surprised when they don't have any real world affect! The next thing I've been doing is trying to accept that I dont need to be perfect and that its not "pass/fail". (I can fail at something without losing my entire worth as a human being ). Being at peace with myself makes me more resilient to the imagined slights of others.

Roger, I know exactly that negative spiral. I've been trying to break it for decades, literally decades. Recently I've had a good bit of success by simply realising that when I'm in that "I'll ****ing show them" war-mode, my thinking is crappy. So I tell myself "don't make any plans or decisions or anything while you're thinking is crappy". I also use as much rationality as possible to expose how crappy my thinking is so for example I'm angry with a loved one and have built a mountain out of a molehill in my head and I have decided they have deliberated sh*t on me etc etc... I try to think "If that were really true, why would they have rung me last week to go for a pint" or "why did they hug me last month when I was down about something else". The inconsistency of that points to crappy thinking. Then I can go "aaahhhhh, I'm thinking badly, I'm all hurt and p*ssed off, not a good time to plan or decide anything"... once I've accepted that, I can deal with it by the tactics I detailed above.
Now all of this is very new territory for me but its really having an impact (its bloody hard, I'm quite a warrior when I want to be and the temptation to go to war is enormous for me!). I'm finding that the path of peace brings a lot more contentment to me now though, even if its very hard to swallow at times

And hey, your feelings are important too... important to me, cos as much as you say its good to hear someone else is like, well... if you didnt share your feelings with me, I'd be sitting here thinking I was alone in my knottiness too. Thanks...

Thanks for the advice Devore especially the last paragraph, I was very touched by it. I admire your get up and go attitude and how proactive you seem to be in battling against this horrible illness. You have great insight and awareness of yourself and your feelings.

Have you come up with these coping mechanisms of your own accord or are they something you've learned froma counsellor/therapist? I've been seeing a counsellor foe the past 6 months, but its nealry 100% me talking and her listening almost a psychoanalysis type therapy. I've definitely made progress I think and am understanding things about myself better, but in my darker hours its easy to get bogged down in thinking it would be great if the cou8n sellor gave more practical advice or told me what she thinks!

DeVore

Oh no lol, these have been thumped into my stubborn, defiant brain by a good friend (among others) and he would be at pains to tell you that they were thumped into him too
I'm just passing along what I have learned the hard way, if it helps then thats great.

I often hid my feelings or felt no one would want to hear but thats a lie. Sharing with someone can be a gift too, you can show that you feel comfortable enough with them to lean on them in the bad times. Thats a really nice feeling for the OTHER person (and talking is good and feels good too). So, think of it as a gift to them, they will come away with a feeling of elevated worth out of it believe me. (Sure you practically just said the same thing to me... that you were touched I'd share with you! ). Apply that logic in reverse

jammstarr

I still try to hide my feelings, from myself too if that's even possible.

shuridunno

So, after much deliberation, tears and tantrums I took myself off to the doc this morning. The OH has said his health is going to suffer if I don't do something to sort myself out.

I had an appointment booked for last monday and couple of hours before I went I looked up tinternet to check out some anti'ds, the side effects left me thinking about how bad they were before and how hard it was to come off them. I am no stranger to meds but I haven't fund one that suited. So, I cancelled my app and took off to bed to bawl myself to sleep.

I confided in a friend about how bad I was feeling, that was a mistake, turns out she's really anti meds and told me it's hard but suck it up. I am exhauted sucking it up, making mistakes in work, the boss got onto me and I barely held it together, as I knnoew he was right, I dropped the ball on something, but how can I turn around and say, Sorry, I'm going through such a bad time right now, sorry for messing up your business..

It's like I can here what a person is saying, but I can't understand them, it's like everything's too loud, too bright, too smelly, too much. The house is filthy as I just work or sleep, not much else gets done. I have put off friends visiting as they would be appalled at the state of the house.

I cancelled my app with counsellor as she says I should cut off my family and I'm in denial about how mentally unwell I have left myself get, she suggested I might consider meds again. She phoned to say she was worried and asked me to attend anyway, even if I feel like saying nothing.

Anyway, Next day, I plunged even further and had chest pains I felt so bad, got an app for doc this morning and here's what he said.

''Counselling doesn't always work for some people, if your upbringing was so traumatic sometimes it can't be escaped and you just have to take the meds and get on with your life'' .....''crying easily, moodiness and not being able to hold down a job won't help''

So why do I feel like such a loser, like I can't cope with life and need ficking meds to get through the day, why can't I be normal.

If I was to list what has happened in the last year I know where a lot of my stress lies, I just don't seem to be able to ''get on with it'' anymore.

Anyway, I guess I'm just telling Mr. or Mrs. Internet, and hoping I can make sense of some of it.:)

shuridunno

jammstarr wrote: »

I still try to hide my feelings, from myself too if that's even possible.

It's possible and according to some the source of your problems.

You can't hide from yourself, although I know a lot of my energy goes into trying.