Funerals

guitarzero

I was wondering how people feel about them, perhaps more so in the city/ suburbs. Where I'm from there really isnt a community a vibe, people know each other by name (thats it) and will give each other in passing nod bar a few of the neighbours who are perhaps more tightly knit.
So in a sense, especially in the younger generations theres a new sense of feeling a bit isolated and unfamiliar with those around us. A funeral is a very sensitive situation where you, in some sense, put your heart on your sleeve and display your most heartfelt tears to folks who you dont really know that well. After all these years spending time with someone you love and who was so dear to you, you now, in front of semi strangers, fight back tears, perhaps deliver a heartfelt speech, etc.

In the country maybe it feels more natural as theres a stronger sense of community and familiarity but I've seen a few funerals in the last couple of years and it didnt seem right that young children or even young adults cried their hearts out in front of folks they barely knew.

Maybe I'm wrong...

Saila

hate them with a passion. Im not even going to my own

Jesus Wept

You're right, they are entirely weird. A lot of people turn up to be seen to be there.

policarp

It's a respect thing.

Jezzabelle

I don't think people who have lost someone are concerned about displaying their emotions in front of others, familiar to them or not. It's a traumatic time and the main thing is grieving for the person you lost. You are never going to know everyone at a funeral as so lots of people will be there who may be unknown to you, but close friends of the deceased or other family members.

Maybe this can be associated with being young or slightly immature, but I used to feel awkward at funerals and think it was "intrusive" to attend unless you are close to the person who died but after losing someone close to me I think different. Even in the depths of your grief I found it a small bit comforting know that people, even those less well known to you, are there for you in a small way and strangely it does mean alot.

guitarzero

policarp wrote: »

It's a respect thing.

Yeah, and I appreciate that. But what about the whole thing of 200+ folks gawking at you while you stare at your family member who is now dead. Its a fair stretch of acquainting considering you probably never brushed shoulders with this person in the past.

Also, its only a respect thing because of the principle of the custom in its origins. Communities were extremely tightly knit and funerals in this context make some sense. You had the wake, talking to people of importance and relevance, people who were of support, the familiarity etc. People who you know will see you again.

Now it just seems odd. Many of these people will just go back not knowing you or perhaps even ignoring you.

im invisible

I hate other peoples funerals, i never know how to sympathise, or what to say or do...

chucken1

I really hope it never happens here where you're "invited" to a funeral

guitarzero

im invisible wrote: »

I hate other peoples funerals, i never know how to sympathise, or what to say or do...

I just do whats expected - "Sorry for your loss" and then fade into the crowd. I've not had this happen to me but have attended 3 in the last 5 years so I cant comment as someone who has actually lived the experience. I just sometimes wonder about the whole thing in this particular context, I can appreciate how subjective it could be though.

guitarzero

chucken1 wrote: »

I really hope it never happens here where you're "invited" to a funeral

Thats dumb. I've never shown public disapproval.

chucken1

guitarzero wrote: »

Thats dumb. I've never shown public disapproval.

Ive seen and been 'invited' to funerals. (Not in Ireland)

I was only saying I hope it never happens here.

guitarzero

chucken1 wrote: »

Ive seen and been 'invited' to funerals. (Not in Ireland)

I was only saying I hope it never happens here.

Wooopsey, my bad.

Chuck Stone

I hope I never have to die.

I couldn't bear all those gobshites that turn up to funerals.

policarp

Saila wrote: »

hate them with a passion. Im not even going to my own

You'll be a late arrival for the afters then?

Saila

policarp wrote: »

You'll be a late arrival for the afters then?

no Ill be in the oven

ashes to ashes dust to dust wind

policarp

Saila wrote: »

no Ill be in the oven

ashes to ashes dust to dust wind

Simple as that?

df1985

More the merrier at a funeral, its a show of respect and a testament to the impact the person had.

There were people at both my parents funerals who i had never seen before and will never see again, but they told me things Ill always remember.I was even more proud of my parents, if thats possible.

Ellis Dee

Saila wrote: »

---
ashes to ashes dust to dust

I suppose it's a bit of a community thing in rural areas and small towns and everyone knows the deceased or at least some of his or her family members.

There's also a lot of reciprocity involved; they were at your uncle Jack's funeral and now you're at ...

I sometimes justify absence from a funeral to myself by thinking: "Well, he won't be going to mine, either!";)

That ashes to dust thing reminds me of a ditty we learned as kids:

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
if God doesn't have you, the Devil must.":)

Optimalprimerib

I think the older you get, the more important it is to go to them. My father loves funerals. If he knows someone ill of health, he is nearly planning the travel arrangements before they die.

Myself, I think it Is a sign of respect to the family if you show your face.

At a family funeral years ago, I always remember what an uncle of mine who lived the most part of his life in London said to me,

"Ireland, a great place to die in, a c*nt of a place to live in".

Abi

im invisible wrote: »

I hate other peoples funerals, i never know how to sympathise, or what to say or do...

Well theres very little that you can say or do, just offer your condolences and offer your help if anyone needs it.


Whenever a funeral comes about in my family, I've always offered to do a reading because I can hold it together and I don't mind speaking in front of other people. Some people aren't keen on it, and especially if they know they will probably get very upset.

The only other thing you can do is check on family closest to the deceased, and just be company for them if they need it.

stovelid

I'm from the city and it's true, we don't care about the dead. You just want to get them into the ground as soon as possible so you can go and have a Mochachino.

You obviously have to be from the country to understand grief.

Clareboy

All this running to funerals seems to be a particularly Irish thing. When you die in this country, you can be certain that there will be hundreds at your funeral, but most of those people would never visit you or give a damn about you in life. The whole funeral racket just shows up the Irish for the race of hypocrites that they are!

Scruffles

funerals are extremely weird.
purely taken from own POV...
its a bunch of people faffing about together,wearing black,saying sorry for the loss to each other-what the hell is that about? why say sorry unless were involved in the demise of whoever it is?
its about competing with each other to see can buy the poshest wreath or flowers.
its about free food/drink if they werent like any of our family and to cheap to put that sort of crap on.

the few funerals that have gone to,have only gone because have been dragged along but its also supposed to be respect to go.

in ireland do they still take photos of the person in their coffin?
the irish rellies over here do it,had only gone in there with them all to see what the body felt like as did not understand [and still dont] the concept of death ,and they were stood there getting photos,apparently a old tradition in ireland.

Callan57

I would have been quite cynical about the whole funeral, paying respects lark until my father's death. It's amazing the impact seeing someone who has made an effort to attend has on you ... it can be amazingly consoling to see a friend when you are feeling raw and torn up inside.

Funerals are probably traditionally one of the few occasions when public displays of emotion are acceptable to us Irish. I don't think we do the whole hugging and kissing in public bit easily ... I always found the touchy feely carry on of Mary McAleese slightly embarrassing & I tend to question the sincerity.

I am totally and utterly against the open coffin display of the deceased though ... and God help them it they put me on display like that. I'll haunt the bloody lot of them ...

sh1tstirrer

Scruffles wrote: »

in ireland do they still take photos of the person in their coffin?
the irish rellies over here do it,had only gone in there with them all to see what the body felt like as did not understand [and still dont] the concept of death ,and they were stood there getting photos,apparently a old tradition in ireland.

Apparently not. I have never heard of it in Ireland. Why would anyone want to take a photo of a dead person What plans have you for your corpse when you die seeing that you are against funerals? Will you be fed to the foxes?

senorwipesalot

Local politicians love a good funeral even though they never met the deceased.They came out of the woodwork for my grandparents funerals.

ballsymchugh

Clareboy wrote: »

All this running to funerals seems to be a particularly Irish thing. When you die in this country, you can be certain that there will be hundreds at your funeral, but most of those people would never visit you or give a damn about you in life. The whole funeral racket just shows up the Irish for the race of hypocrites that they are!

what's hypocritical about extending condolences? unless you're a local politician of course, who'll no doubt sign the book at the back of the church with the relevant title.
while it may feel that they don't give a damn about you in life, the fact that they've taken time out to bother shaking your hand, even if they say nothing, means a lot.
maybe you have to be in that position to appreciate it more.

KamiKazeKitten

I think it's just nice to show support for the family, after all the dead person ain't gonna know.
If any politicians turn up at my funeral I swear I'll come back as a zombie and chase them out of the place! (I would say eat their braaains but I reckon someone got there before me)

finbarrk

Clareboy wrote: »

All this running to funerals seems to be a particularly Irish thing. When you die in this country, you can be certain that there will be hundreds at your funeral, but most of those people would never visit you or give a damn about you in life. The whole funeral racket just shows up the Irish for the race of hypocrites that they are!

A bit bitter there Clareman. Coming from the home of the big funerals.

the groutch

Real Answer: I don't like funerals, they make me feel really uncomfortable.

AH Answer: I love them, women are easier to score when they're sad and vunerable.

Dudess

Clareboy wrote: »

All this running to funerals seems to be a particularly Irish thing. When you die in this country, you can be certain that there will be hundreds at your funeral, but most of those people would never visit you or give a damn about you in life. The whole funeral racket just shows up the Irish for the race of hypocrites that they are!

Are they?

Latchy

It's not as if we can avoid them and every one of us will attend a family or friends funeral at some stage ,sadly some much more than others .

suzie987

Another weird thing about funerals/deaths - people judge how entitled you are to grief! What I mean is people seem to be quick to say afterwards:-

"Oh did you see 'whats-her-name', sure she barely knew 'so-and-so' and she didn't stop crying the whole time!"

I hate this! Funerals are very emotive

ballsymchugh

suzie987 wrote: »

Another weird thing about funerals/deaths - people judge how entitled you are to grief! What I mean is people seem to be quick to say afterwards:-

"Oh did you see 'whats-her-name', sure she barely knew 'so-and-so' and she didn't stop crying the whole time!"

I hate this! Funerals are very emotive

flip the coin there...

there's also the one who doesn't happen to be crying at the funeral, who may be emotionally drained and just can't cry anymore, and may crack a smile at something going on at the time

"what the hell, why are they laughing, they should be in bits!!"

had a chat with a girl over the weekend here in england, and for some reason we were talking about funerals. she said in 33 years of life she's never seen a dead person. i thought that was strange, but given the way that you're invited to funerals over here, it's not surprising.
the support at an irish funeral, where people take time out (even if they're just showing their face) to turn up can be very comforting.
inviting someone to a funeral just seems strange.

starbelgrade

guitarzero wrote: »

I was wondering how people feel about them,.

I love them. It's great craic when someone you know dies.

Teyla Emmagan

I like how we do funerals. I've had a few family funerals and been really overwhelmed and grateful at the effort people will make to attend. When my Granddad died we had people drive straight from Cork to Donegal and back, for an hour, just to show their respect. And it really helps to see a concerned face and an open pair of arms when you need the support. And they can be very emotional affairs naturally, but crying is cathartic. I have wept for people I've never even met in the past

I was at only one funeral in England and it was the oddest affair. Very few people there, no one in the slightest bit emotional, no talking about the deceased, all very detached, almost like a work thing. I think I'd rather have people wailing in the aisles at mine in contrast

But I don't really like the shaking hands thing - when you see a few hundred people stand up to march past a crying family, it just seems like too much to ask of them, especially when you know half the family won't have a clue who they are shaking hands with and would just rather go home. And then you have all the cute hoors who race to the top of the queue so they can be 'seen' and go!

On balance though, Irish funerals can be pretty great. I've been to absolute heartbreakers and also funerals which were full of laughter and warm memories. And they do get people together to remember the desceased in whatever what is appropriate, and that mightn't happen otherwise. It would be a lot worse to pass away and have not have all your friends and family in the one place laughing or grieving, IMO anyway.

stovelid

Plus you can drink too much and finally punch your annoying cousin and blame it on "struggling with internalised grief".

Cee-Jay-Cee

I avoid them where possible, i find them so awkward and uncomfortable. Unless its someone very close to me then i'm not going, i dont care if its an uncle or an aunt, i havent seen most of them in years so why should i go to their funeral/wake.

A friend of mine (whose parents are both dead) goes to every funeral going purely because his parents knew that person...which IMO is totally ridiculous. He's at funerals almost every week, its such a waste of time especially when he has to introduce himself to some of the deceaseds family and they still probably havent a clue who he is....but he seems to enjoy it!

iguana

ballsymchugh wrote: »

flip the coin there...

there's also the one who doesn't happen to be crying at the funeral, who may be emotionally drained and just can't cry anymore, and may crack a smile at something going on at the time

"what the hell, why are they laughing, they should be in bits!!"

Was that in England too because most funerals I've been to have been a laugh riot on occasion. Maybe not the really tragic funerals like when a young person dies but a huge part of Irish funerals involves telling funny stories about the dead person and everyone cracking up laughing. It's a very healthy practise too as communal laughter is a good relief for grief.

stupidusername

Jezzabelle wrote: »

Maybe this can be associated with being young or slightly immature, but I used to feel awkward at funerals and think it was "intrusive" to attend unless you are close to the person who died but after losing someone close to me I think different. Even in the depths of your grief I found it a small bit comforting know that people, even those less well known to you, are there for you in a small way and strangely it does mean alot.

I've read much of this thread and others before it about funerals, and how people see it as a sign of respect to show up, and I still can't agree. I see it as intrusive. I haven't been to many funerals, I would only ever go to one of a family member, or one for a friends family member if I was sure it was what my friend wanted.

There were a few hundred people at my mothers funeral, and I hated it. She had been ill for more than 2 years, and there were less than 15 people in the church that had visited her in that time, so as far as I was concerned they were only there for show. and what's the point in that. I know my mam would've hated that.

My brother sat in the front row along with my dad and granny, so that all the people shaking hands would do it with them, not me and my sister, who couldn't handle it. and still people climbed into the row we were in just to get to us. I don't know who most of those people were and I sure as hell didn't care what they had to say.

My mams brother (who hadn't spoken to her in years) turned up in her last few days to make his peace with her, and she went along with it. By that time she had given up, but I know she hated it. she felt the same anger about insignificant people trying to do the supposed 'right' thing by forcing themselves on the family. he took over everything and made himself out to be somewhat central to the people that cared for her. anyway I'm rambling now.

I think it's completely wrong to show up to the funeral of someone you don't know. all you're doing is imposing on the family.

gazzer

I have been to more funerals this year than in the last few combined. In just about all cases though I didnt know the deceased but I did know their son/daughter so its just a mark of respect for the family.

ballsymchugh

iguana wrote: »

Was that in England too because most funerals I've been to have been a laugh riot on occasion. Maybe not the really tragic funerals like when a young person dies but a huge part of Irish funerals involves telling funny stories about the dead person and everyone cracking up laughing. It's a very healthy practise too as communal laughter is a good relief for grief.

no, that was at home. it's usually mentioned by someone who just turns up out of the blue for the funeral but hasn't been part of the wake, so doesn't really know what state the bereaved have been in.

later12

I just got home on Sunday for the Christmas holidays.

I already have one funeral to go to and a 'likely' hanging in the balance before I leave again. Both women are two people i barely know, I am more acquainted with their families.

Funerals are part of country life. I've been going to funerals since before i could walk. Whether you personally like it or not,many people take comfort from their loved ones' funeral sizes. Perhaps it's the case of the vicarious ego, or perhaps it's a case that they like to feel their loved ones are loved and appreciated.

Unless it's your family, it has nothing to do with you. You're free to have "funeral strictly private" added to the announcement of your or your family members' deaths, and people respect that.

fishy fishy

guitarzero wrote: »

I was wondering how people feel about them, perhaps more so in the city/ suburbs. Where I'm from there really isnt a community a vibe, people know each other by name (thats it) and will give each other in passing nod bar a few of the neighbours who are perhaps more tightly knit.
So in a sense, especially in the younger generations theres a new sense of feeling a bit isolated and unfamiliar with those around us. A funeral is a very sensitive situation where you, in some sense, put your heart on your sleeve and display your most heartfelt tears to folks who you dont really know that well. After all these years spending time with someone you love and who was so dear to you, you now, in front of semi strangers, fight back tears, perhaps deliver a heartfelt speech, etc.

In the country maybe it feels more natural as theres a stronger sense of community and familiarity but I've seen a few funerals in the last couple of years and it didnt seem right that young children or even young adults cried their hearts out in front of folks they barely knew.

Maybe I'm wrong...

usually you only see the people you know - you don't bother with the people you dont' - lots of people cry and funerals, weddings, etc. if they want to cry and the sadness of the situation let them. Its a respect thing.

fishy fishy

guitarzero wrote: »

Yeah, and I appreciate that. But what about the whole thing of 200+ folks gawking at you while you stare at your family member who is now dead. Its a fair stretch of acquainting considering you probably never brushed shoulders with this person in the past.

Also, its only a respect thing because of the principle of the custom in its origins. Communities were extremely tightly knit and funerals in this context make some sense. You had the wake, talking to people of importance and relevance, people who were of support, the familiarity etc. People who you know will see you again.

Now it just seems odd. Many of these people will just go back not knowing you or perhaps even ignoring you.

no, but they might know your mother, father, sister, brother, in laws, Its not all about you. :rolleyes:

fishy fishy

senorwipesalot wrote: »

Local politicians love a good funeral even though they never met the deceased.They came out of the woodwork for my grandparents funerals.

they always do

aujopimur

You can't beat a good Irish funeral, thre're better than weddings
, and you don't have to give a pressie.

SisterAnn

Your appendix is a hangover from the days when your digestive system could process grass.

A large funeral is a hangover from the days when Irish people lived in real communities and gave a damn about each other.

bradlente

I tend not to go unless the person was a really good friend or family member.

I don't get the "show your face" respect custom.If its someone you never really knew or someone that never had an impact on your life then how could you hold that person in such high regard?I understand helping grieving friends out but the public forum of grief that funerals are confuse frustrate and disturb me.

All these strange faces turn out for a day to look at a corpse,Then go to a church,Then a few get pissed,Then they go home and its all over for them.Whilst the people who are really affected by the loss have to live with it until they die and won't ever see or hear from half of the people that were at the funeral/wake again.

Thats how I look at it anyway.My definition of respect must be different than how some others see it perhaps...

J K

I got my appendix out when I was ten.