Men asking their girlfriend's father for permission to propose to her

ILikeBananas

What's your feelings on this topic?

Personally I've mixed feelings on the whole thing:

On the positive side it shows respect and is like an acceptance from the girls family.

On the negative side it's kind of backward and completely sexist. It's like "Be quiet woman, the men are talking now". Like why not ask the mother for her permission? And why doesn't the girl contact the guys family and say "John has asked me to marry him but I wanted to see if it was ok with you first before I accepted". Sounds crazy right? But that's exactly what's happening the other way round.

In the end, like most men, I'd probably end up doing whatever it was I thought she wanted me to do.

Snakeblood

ILikeBananas wrote: »

What's your feelings on this topic?

Personally I've mixed feelings on the whole thing:

On the positive side it shows respect and is like an acceptance from the girls family.

On the negative side it's kind of backward and completely sexist. It's like "Be quiet woman, the men are talking now". Like why not ask the mother for her permission? And why doesn't the girl contact the guys family and say "John has asked me to marry him but I wanted to see if it was ok with you first before I accepted". Sounds crazy right? But that's exactly what's happening the other way round.

In the end, like most men, I'd probably end up doing whatever it was I thought she wanted me to do.

I'M AGIN IT.*

*Except for the fruit of my loins.

Jen Pigs Fly

It has no bearing on me either way - if I man I loved asked me to marry him I wouldn't care if he asked my father or not, if I loved him and wanted to be with him I'd say yes regardless.

I wouldn't say no just because he didn't ask my dad!
I also wouldn't care if he asked or not, my dad can't really stop me marrying who I want!
(Oh yea 21st century woman FTW :cool:)

Dotrel

They should ask. But accompanying that they should also be paid a dowry for such an undertaking. Several cattle and some land should suffice.

Morag

Asking the blessing of both parents is nice, not permission, they don't need permission to marry.

smash

If I had a daughter and her bf asked for my permission to propose to her then I'd lose respect for him to be honest.

Alpish

smash wrote: »

If I had a daughter and her bf asked for my permission to propose to her then I'd lose respect for him to be honest.

Why?

dilallio

I don't think there's need to ask for 'permission'.

It would be nice though, and demonstrate respect, if the groom-to-be, informed the parents, AFTER asking the girl of course, before announcing it to friends.

One of my friends recently found out of her daughter's engagement through a Facebook status-update.

She has a good relationship with her daughter who lives on the other side of the world, but she was so disappointed that her daughter had not called her to let her know.

I can understand that some people might like it but for me it's no, no, no

Sykk

ILikeBananas wrote: »

What's your feelings on this topic?

The only way it's sexist is if you're discussing a dowry. Asking permission of the father is a sign of respect. Calling it sexist is just more feminist bs.

foxyboxer

It's tradition. An outdated one but still a nice tradition.

It stems from the idea that he'll probably be paying for it (or contributing a lot) so it's a small price to pay!

smash

Alpish wrote: »

Why?

Because I think it's pathetic. That's just my opinion. Be your own fúcking person... if you want to do something then do it.

LeeHoffmann

I wouldn't say no just because he didn't ask my dad!

I'd say no if he did ask my Dad! :mad: :pac:

minidazzler

Alpish wrote: »

smash wrote: »

If I had a daughter and her bf asked for my permission to propose to her then I'd lose respect for him to be honest.

Why?

It shows a lack of respect for the daughter.

LeeHoffmann

It stems from the idea that he'll probably be paying for it

^ I think this is also an outdated tradition nowadays, no?

Alpish

smash wrote: »

Because I think it's pathetic. That's just my opinion. Be your own fúcking person... if you want to do something then do it.

Ya i understand be your own person and all that. But if I asked my gf's parents and they said no I'd still marry her anyway. I think it's more a way of informing them that your doing it rather than actually making a decision based on their answer.

foxyboxer

minidazzler wrote: »

It shows a lack of respect for the daughter.

We could argue that telling children that Santa Claus exists shows a lack of respect for their intelligence. :pac:

helimachoptor

I did, not because he had to give but i knew my OH would want me to.
I get on very well with her dad.

However on the day i popped the question I called him, me in Dub and him in mayo, i took him by surprise and confused the fook out of him.
He ended up ringing my OHs mam who was away to tell her that my GF was in hospital

foxyboxer

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

^ I think this is also an outdated tradition nowadays, no?

So is marriage itself

It means he approves of you sticking your mickey into his daughter officially.

Malari

If I was getting married I'd definitely want to be the one to tell my parents that happy news face to face for the first time.

And I agree, I think it would show a lack of respect for me if my boyfriend thought asking my father would be appropriate.

Sooopie

I think its rather sweet

LeeHoffmann

However on the day i popped the question I called him, me in Dub and him in mayo, i took him by surprise and confused the fook out of him.
He ended up ringing my OHs mam who was away to tell her that my GF was in hospital

:pac: What did you say to the poor man to give him that impression?

minidazzler

foxyboxer wrote: »

minidazzler wrote: »

It shows a lack of respect for the daughter.

We could argue that telling children that Santa Claus exists shows a lack of respect for their intelligence. :pac:

Ah yeah, but they are stupid though,,,,

Dudess

Sykk wrote: »

Calling it sexist is just more feminist bs.

But it is sexist. Why not ask the mother? Why not deem a yes from his girlfriend to be sufficient?

Nowadays the intention behind it is nothing harmful, and no badness is meant - it's often even meant in a nice way. Some women would be highly offended by it - I wouldn't be offended or call off the engagement, but I'd be a bit annoyed. It's a stupid, pointless tradition and has its roots in a time when all that "feminist bs" didn't exist and women had far fewer rights. Why should the girl's father have the final say? If he says no, is the guy going to put a halt to the engagement?

Saying it to her parents before proposing is different though - that's not asking for permission, it's just letting them in on the news. I don't see why anyone else should have to know beforehand though.

LeeHoffmann

So is marriage itself

Marriage is many things - a tradition, a legal contract, a declaration of love and commitment...

aujopimur

3 of my daughters boyfriends asked me, while it did not expect them to, it was nice if a bit old fashioned for them to do so.
Having said that I'd say their mothers had a word in their ears, great lads they are.

smash

Alpish wrote: »

Ya i understand be your own person and all that. But if I asked my gf's parents and they said no I'd still marry her anyway. I think it's more a way of informing them that your doing it rather than actually making a decision based on their answer.

But she might say no when you propose anyway. And her parents down't own her, so why ask them in the first place. Especially if you don't care.

Malari

foxyboxer wrote: »

We could argue that telling children that Santa Claus exists shows a lack of respect for their intelligence. :pac:

Nah, inisting to an 8 year old who has figured out the "secret" of Santa that he still exists would be insulting to the child's intelligence!

A grown woman's decision to marry is a different thing

ejmaztec

Being a greedy opportunistic parent, I would prefer to approach a multi-millionaire complete stranger and *ask him politely if he'd like to marry my daughter.


* might include extreme violence, or threats of

PrettyBoy

Dudess wrote: »

But it is sexist. Why not ask the mother?

No, it's not sexist, it's just a tradition, like the tradition of a father walking his daughter up the aisle and giving her away.

LeeHoffmann

No, it's not sexist, it's just a tradition, like the tradition of a father walking his daughter up the aisle and giving her away

also a sexist tradition

Not sure what people are voting for when they clicked bastard

Alpish

smash wrote: »

But she might say no when you propose anyway. And her parents down't own her, so why ask them in the first place. Especially if you don't care.

Ah don't say she might say no

It's a fair point. I wouldn't be asking for permission but I think they should be first to know,just like my own parents would. Maybe it's an out of date thing, I just figured it would be something that I'd do. Never knew not showing respect to your gf would come into it :eek:

irelandrover

Dudess wrote: »

But it is sexist. Why not ask the mother? Why not deem a yes from his girlfriend to be sufficient?

Nowadays the intention behind it is nothing harmful, and no badness is meant - it's often even meant in a nice way. Some women would be highly offended by it - I wouldn't be offended or call off the engagement, but I'd be a bit annoyed. It's a stupid, pointless tradition and has its roots in a time when all that "feminist bs" didn't exist and women had far fewer rights. Why should the girl's father have the final say? If he says no, is the guy going to put a halt to the engagement?

Saying it to her parents before proposing is different though - that's not asking for permission, it's just letting them in on the news. I don't see why anyone else should have to know beforehand though.

It's one of the many traditions of marriage. If you look into all the traditions of marriage nearly all of them are sexist. I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

BrensBenz

I fully understand the “sexist” argument but:
A man has a son until he takes him a wife;
A man has a daughter for all of his life.
As a dad, I would be delighted if my daughter’s intended paid me the respect of asking me. He / they didn’t ask me about much so far but weddings are dripping with traditions, most of which are silly but harmless enough. Anyway, I’d probably consult my wife before agreeing to his request.

foxyboxer

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

also a sexist tradition

Not sure what people are voting for when they clicked bastard

Forever Alone's

smash

Alpish wrote: »

I wouldn't be asking for permission but I think they should be first to know,just like my own parents would.

So what would you be asking for then? And have a read of post #20...

Although I'd still love to see someone's reaction if I was to say "I'm looking for permission to make your daughter my first wife."

LeeHoffmann

_

moco

dilallio wrote: »

I don't think there's need to ask for 'permission'.

It would be nice though, and demonstrate respect, if the groom-to-be, informed the parents, AFTER asking the girl of course, before announcing it to friends.

One of my friends recently found out of her daughter's engagement through a Facebook status-update.

She has a good relationship with her daughter who lives on the other side of the world, but she was so disappointed that her daughter had not called her to let her know.

That’s not good, but maybe it wasn’t intentional. When I got engaged I rang home and my mum was at work, so I rang my dad’s mobile (I knew he’d be working too) and told him. As soon as my mum got in the door from work the phone rang and it was my auntie saying she’d heard I got engaged so that’s how my mum found out.

My mum was irrationally annoyed with my auntie for getting in there first and telling her, but it wasn’t her fault.

My sister had it all over Facebook at this stage too.

Dudess

PrettyBoy wrote: »

No, it's not sexist, it's just a tradition

But it's still sexist - being a tradition doesn't make it not sexist. I know it's not exactly causing serious problems or anything, and there's no sinister intention behind it nowadays (it's just "the done thing") but if you actually think about it and where it comes from, it's really antiquated.

foxyboxer

Best Man. :cool:

Bridesmaid. Maid? :mad: Ban this sexist filth!

Dudess

irelandrover wrote: »

It's one of the many traditions of marriage. If you look into all the traditions of marriage nearly all of them are sexist. I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

I agree. And the man having to stump up for the engagement ring - that's sexist to men IMO.

moco

Years ago it was usually the dad who paid for the wedding so maybe that’s where the tradition of asking him came from.

These days I don’t think there’s any point in asking the dad.

the girlfriend should be first to discuss it with, not the family.
the girlfriend should feel free to say yes or no without the family already knowing about it, and she may feel pressured into saying yes because it's all been done without her. How is she supposed to feel if she says no and then has to break the news to an excited family immediately?
Sure you might not ask unless you're certain but still.
it's very disrespectful to her.
tell the family first together, if she says yes, but i would be very offended if someone tried that with me.

It also drives me up the fcuking wall when people point out some other traditions like it's some kind of trump card. Many women buy an engagement gift for their partner as well. Many might not want to be walked "up the aisle".
"It's tradition" is no reason to do something if you don't want to.

Snakeblood

Dudess wrote: »

I agree. And the man having to stump up for the engagement ring - that's sexist to men IMO.

I was surprised when I found out about that. Although I feel that if the engagement had broken up, I'd be justified morally if not legally in stealing it back, as a result.

smash

BrensBenz wrote: »

Anyway, I’d probably consult my wife before agreeing to his request.

I'd say he wouldn't care what your answer would be, and it would be pretty insulting to say "well I'll have to talk to my wife about this." Then again, if she wears the trousers then your future son in law should probably ask her instead of you.

LeeHoffmann

I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

Yep, why bother asking women what they think when you can just presume to know? I mean, it's not like there are any women around here who fit your criteria who you could ask. oh wait...

GavRedKing

I wouldnt be asking my GF's parents for premission if and when i decide to ask her to marry me. I'm not in a relationship with them, although it must be sadi i get on well with them but I just dont see the point in asking for premission, it seems very cliche and old fashioned out of date tripe.

Alpish

smash wrote: »

So what would you be asking for then? And have a read of post #20...

Although I'd still love to see someone's reaction if I was to say "I'm looking for permission to make your daughter my first wife."

But is that even asking them? I think i'd be more informing them that it's my plan to.

p.s. I don't mean to be getting overly technical about it.

smash

Alpish wrote: »

But is that even asking them? I think i'd be more informing them that it's my plan to.

She might not say yes though... don't embarrass yourself!

OneArt

My parents are pretty old fashioned but they never did that. My Dad just moved to South Africa and got hitched which freaked my grandparents out.

He didn't ask my (English) grandmother because she thought all Irish people were troublemakers.

Lady Chuckles

If we're on about how marriage traditions are sexist, then letting your father bring you down the aisle is sexist too. That symbolises the change of ownership of the woman. The father used to own her and there he gives her away to her new owner