Men asking their girlfriend's father for permission to propose to her

Alpish · 29-11-2011 03:29PM

smash wrote: »

But she might say no when you propose anyway. And her parents down't own her, so why ask them in the first place. Especially if you don't care.

Ah don't say she might say no

It's a fair point. I wouldn't be asking for permission but I think they should be first to know,just like my own parents would. Maybe it's an out of date thing, I just figured it would be something that I'd do. Never knew not showing respect to your gf would come into it :eek:

irelandrover · 29-11-2011 03:30PM

Dudess wrote: »

But it is sexist. Why not ask the mother? Why not deem a yes from his girlfriend to be sufficient?

Nowadays the intention behind it is nothing harmful, and no badness is meant - it's often even meant in a nice way. Some women would be highly offended by it - I wouldn't be offended or call off the engagement, but I'd be a bit annoyed. It's a stupid, pointless tradition and has its roots in a time when all that "feminist bs" didn't exist and women had far fewer rights. Why should the girl's father have the final say? If he says no, is the guy going to put a halt to the engagement?

Saying it to her parents before proposing is different though - that's not asking for permission, it's just letting them in on the news. I don't see why anyone else should have to know beforehand though.

It's one of the many traditions of marriage. If you look into all the traditions of marriage nearly all of them are sexist. I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

BrensBenz · 29-11-2011 03:31PM

I fully understand the “sexist” argument but:
A man has a son until he takes him a wife;
A man has a daughter for all of his life.
As a dad, I would be delighted if my daughter’s intended paid me the respect of asking me. He / they didn’t ask me about much so far but weddings are dripping with traditions, most of which are silly but harmless enough. Anyway, I’d probably consult my wife before agreeing to his request.

foxyboxer · 29-11-2011 03:31PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

also a sexist tradition

Not sure what people are voting for when they clicked bastard

Forever Alone's

smash · 29-11-2011 03:31PM

Alpish wrote: »

I wouldn't be asking for permission but I think they should be first to know,just like my own parents would.

So what would you be asking for then? And have a read of post #20...

Although I'd still love to see someone's reaction if I was to say "I'm looking for permission to make your daughter my first wife."

LeeHoffmann · 29-11-2011 03:31PM

_

moco · 29-11-2011 03:31PM

dilallio wrote: »

I don't think there's need to ask for 'permission'.

It would be nice though, and demonstrate respect, if the groom-to-be, informed the parents, AFTER asking the girl of course, before announcing it to friends.

One of my friends recently found out of her daughter's engagement through a Facebook status-update.

She has a good relationship with her daughter who lives on the other side of the world, but she was so disappointed that her daughter had not called her to let her know.

That’s not good, but maybe it wasn’t intentional. When I got engaged I rang home and my mum was at work, so I rang my dad’s mobile (I knew he’d be working too) and told him. As soon as my mum got in the door from work the phone rang and it was my auntie saying she’d heard I got engaged so that’s how my mum found out.

My mum was irrationally annoyed with my auntie for getting in there first and telling her, but it wasn’t her fault.

My sister had it all over Facebook at this stage too.

Dudess · 29-11-2011 03:32PM

PrettyBoy wrote: »

No, it's not sexist, it's just a tradition

But it's still sexist - being a tradition doesn't make it not sexist. I know it's not exactly causing serious problems or anything, and there's no sinister intention behind it nowadays (it's just "the done thing") but if you actually think about it and where it comes from, it's really antiquated.

foxyboxer · 29-11-2011 03:32PM

Best Man. :cool:

Bridesmaid. Maid? :mad: Ban this sexist filth!

Dudess · 29-11-2011 03:33PM

irelandrover wrote: »

It's one of the many traditions of marriage. If you look into all the traditions of marriage nearly all of them are sexist. I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

I agree. And the man having to stump up for the engagement ring - that's sexist to men IMO.

moco · 29-11-2011 03:34PM

Years ago it was usually the dad who paid for the wedding so maybe that’s where the tradition of asking him came from.

These days I don’t think there’s any point in asking the dad.

29-11-2011 03:34PM

the girlfriend should be first to discuss it with, not the family.
the girlfriend should feel free to say yes or no without the family already knowing about it, and she may feel pressured into saying yes because it's all been done without her. How is she supposed to feel if she says no and then has to break the news to an excited family immediately?
Sure you might not ask unless you're certain but still.
it's very disrespectful to her.
tell the family first together, if she says yes, but i would be very offended if someone tried that with me.

It also drives me up the fcuking wall when people point out some other traditions like it's some kind of trump card. Many women buy an engagement gift for their partner as well. Many might not want to be walked "up the aisle".
"It's tradition" is no reason to do something if you don't want to.

Snakeblood · 29-11-2011 03:34PM

Dudess wrote: »

I agree. And the man having to stump up for the engagement ring - that's sexist to men IMO.

I was surprised when I found out about that. Although I feel that if the engagement had broken up, I'd be justified morally if not legally in stealing it back, as a result.

smash · 29-11-2011 03:35PM

BrensBenz wrote: »

Anyway, I’d probably consult my wife before agreeing to his request.

I'd say he wouldn't care what your answer would be, and it would be pretty insulting to say "well I'll have to talk to my wife about this." Then again, if she wears the trousers then your future son in law should probably ask her instead of you.

LeeHoffmann · 29-11-2011 03:35PM

I bet a lot of these women that would get annoyed if the man asked the father first would also get annoyed if she didnt get a ring.

Yep, why bother asking women what they think when you can just presume to know? I mean, it's not like there are any women around here who fit your criteria who you could ask. oh wait...

GavRedKing · 29-11-2011 03:35PM

I wouldnt be asking my GF's parents for premission if and when i decide to ask her to marry me. I'm not in a relationship with them, although it must be sadi i get on well with them but I just dont see the point in asking for premission, it seems very cliche and old fashioned out of date tripe.

Alpish · 29-11-2011 03:36PM

smash wrote: »

So what would you be asking for then? And have a read of post #20...

Although I'd still love to see someone's reaction if I was to say "I'm looking for permission to make your daughter my first wife."

But is that even asking them? I think i'd be more informing them that it's my plan to.

p.s. I don't mean to be getting overly technical about it.

smash · 29-11-2011 03:38PM

Alpish wrote: »

But is that even asking them? I think i'd be more informing them that it's my plan to.

She might not say yes though... don't embarrass yourself!

OneArt · 29-11-2011 03:39PM

My parents are pretty old fashioned but they never did that. My Dad just moved to South Africa and got hitched which freaked my grandparents out.

He didn't ask my (English) grandmother because she thought all Irish people were troublemakers.

Lady Chuckles · 29-11-2011 03:39PM

If we're on about how marriage traditions are sexist, then letting your father bring you down the aisle is sexist too. That symbolises the change of ownership of the woman. The father used to own her and there he gives her away to her new owner

irelandrover · 29-11-2011 03:40PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Yep, why bother asking women what they think when you can just presume to know? I mean, it's not like there are any women around here who fit your criteria who you could ask. oh wait...

Ok so, from the women who don't want their partners to ask their fathers permission the following questions.

Do you still want an engagement ring?
Are you going to wear a white dress?
Would you ask the man to marry you or do you expect him to ask you?

LeeHoffmann · 29-11-2011 03:41PM

^ that one's been covered...as well as calling the bride's helpers bridesmaids instead of brideswomen...and that women get an engagement ring

smash · 29-11-2011 03:43PM

Lady Chuckles wrote: »

That symbolises the change of ownership of the woman. The father used to own her and there he gives her away to her new owner

You should be able to give her back if she fails her NCT though. Or trade her in after a few years.

29-11-2011 03:43PM

irelandrover wrote: »

Ok so, from the women who don't want their partners to ask their fathers permission the following two questions.

Do you still want an engagement?
Are you going to wear a white dress?
Would you ask the man to marry you or do you expect him to ask you?

What the bejaysus does a white dress have to do with anything?
That tradition started so women could show off wealth by having a very impractical dress
http://thedreamstress.com/2011/04/queen-victorias-wedding-dress-the-one-that-started-it-all/

Anyway:
yes,
I don't know because blue ones are gorgeous too,
I'd expect we'd discuss it instead of a big formal proposal... but nobody would ever object to being asked such a thing

A0 · 29-11-2011 03:44PM

What's your feelings on this topic?

Personally I've mixed feelings on the whole thing:

On the positive side it shows respect and is like an acceptance from the girls family.

On the negative side it's kind of backward and completely sexist. It's like "Be quiet woman, the men are talking now". Like why not ask the mother for her permission? And why doesn't the girl contact the guys family and say "John has asked me to marry him but I wanted to see if it was ok with you first before I accepted". Sounds crazy right? But that's exactly what's happening the other way round.

In the end, like most men, I'd probably end up doing whatever it was I thought she wanted me to do.

It depends on people, how close they are to their partners' parents, etc. I'm sometimes a bit old school but I reckon this is too much for me, sounds so old fashioned...

Lady Chuckles · 29-11-2011 03:44PM

smash wrote: »

You should be able to give her back if she fails her NCT though. Or trade her in after a few years.

Ask the dad for a warranty when you ask him if it's okay to propose, that ought to have you sorted

irelandrover · 29-11-2011 03:45PM

bluewolf wrote: »

What the bejaysus does a white dress have to do with anything?
That tradition started so women could show off wealth by having a very impractical dress
http://thedreamstress.com/2011/04/queen-victorias-wedding-dress-the-one-that-started-it-all/

Its a wedding tradition.

LeeHoffmann · 29-11-2011 03:45PM

Ok so, from the women who don't want their partners to ask their fathers permission the following two questions.

Do you still want an engagement?
Are you going to wear a white dress?

Do you mean do I want an engagement ring? I'm one of those women who wouldn't want my OH to ask my Dad's permission and we are engaged. Both of us got engagement rings and I was happy with that. I'm not telling you what my wedding dress looks like! :P A half joke...I'd like a nice wedding dress and most of the nice wedding dresses are white and white looks good on me, so I'd have no problem wearing a white dress - but I don't see how wearing a white wedding dress is analogous to asking a man permission to marry his daughter

Its a wedding tradition.

The complaint against asking permission isn't based on a rebellion against tradition. This particular tradition is incredibly sexist, as are certain other particular wedding traditions. It seems you missed that point. People are also entitled to pick and choose which traditions they honour.

smash · 29-11-2011 03:49PM

Lady Chuckles wrote: »

Ask the dad for a warranty when you ask him if it's okay to propose, that ought to have you sorted

And a full service history... So you know the suspension's not wrecked!

irelandrover · 29-11-2011 03:49PM

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Do you mean do I want an engagement ring? I'm one of those women who wouldn't want my OH to ask my Dad's permission and we are engaged. Both of us got engagement rings and I was happy with that. I'm not telling you what my wedding dress looks like! :P A half joke...I'd like a nice wedding dress and most of the nice wedding dresses are white and white looks good on me, so I'd have no problem wearing a white dress - but I don't see how wearing a white wedding dress is analogous to asking a man permission to marry his daughter

Thats fair enough. I did of course mean an engagement ring. For the record i recently got engaged as well and didnt ask the fathers permission. I felt my fiance should be the first to know. I am just genuinely interested if the women who get upset about this also dont want engagemnt rings or as in your case both get engagement rings.

Men asking their girlfriend's father for permission to propose to her

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