Best old school put-downs or put-ups you've heard

veryangryman

I love hearing these from the cultees - the old Podge/Rodge style lines

Couple that spring to mind

I'd crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to throw stones at the bin lorry that brought her dirty knickers away!

She's a face on her like a bulldog thats just licked piss off a nettle!

TheZohanS

veryangryman wrote: »

I love hearing these from the cultees - the old Podge/Rodge style lines

Couple that spring to mind

I'd crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to throw stones at the bin lorry that brought her dirty knickers away!

She's a face on her like a bulldog thats just licked piss off a nettle!

"So is your face"

soyawhatsup

I'd rather get up on a Monday morning.

RoyalMarine

TheZohan wrote: »

"So is your face"

i know you are but what am i

Goldenegg

Your mam is so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

GSI

I've seen bigger men on wedding cakes

Will

"she'd hand it back to ya soft" - complementing a woman with a particularly high sex drive

orourkeda

Will wrote: »

"she'd hand it back to ya soft" - complementing a woman with a particularly high sex drive

Or the classic "youre a dirty bleedin' slut"

Goldenegg

I wouldn't get up on him to get over a wall

He's as dry as ghandis flip flop

Rockery Woman

A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

wandatowell

"I wouldnt get up on her to get over a wall"

and

"Your as about as much use as tits on a mackeral"

Jess16

A few choice phrases from the guys at home about an attractive woman: "I'd ate chips out of her knickers", a not-so-attractive woman: "I've seen better legs hangin out of a nest!" and the frugal friend at the bar: "He's so tight he wouldn't pay attention"

FTA69

"If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't even let her look over the wall."

FTA69

Best I ever heard was in a pub in London. I was queuing at the bar when a fella barged past me, I was about to have a whinge when a woman ran after your man and says:

"Look, I can explain everything"

and he turns around and goes: "Oh right, what the f*ck are you? A philosopher?"

Nearly p*ssed my pants.

Sleepy

You wouldn't ride her into battle...

Daemos

Toothpick!

Ghandee

I was eyeing up a very buxom lady (bbw kind) one Sunday evening in a country bar, old man at the bar copped me eyeing up this hefty, but very attractive girl.

His words still echo in my ears.......

Son, if that thing got on top of ye, she'd leave ye with a thing on ye like a boiled beetroot!

I near dropped my pint laughing!

dazberry

A guy that my friend worked with was perving over one of the girls in their job and came out with: I'd shoot a load into her the size of a bull and split her hips.

One of the lads I worked with was talking about one of the girls in the office:
lad>Jeysus - Radion wouldn't shift her
... and as quick as a flash:
me>Daz would

D.

soyawhatsup

Yo Mama's so fat, she should be concerned about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

Celly Smunt

"she's a bloody ride would you sniff her bike saddle?"

dirtypanties

your mam's so fat her blood type is ragu:)

kellsbells73

ugly woman- 'I wouldnt touch her with your mickey'
hunger- 'Id eat a nuns arse through a convent gate'

kevez

you wouldnt score in a brothel with a golden dick
or for the ladys
your eyes are like spanners every time i look in them me nuts tighten

mrpants

She has a face like a bag of hammers.

entropi

"Yer wan has a face like a melted candle"

"He talks so much shite he has to wipe the brown off his mouth every few minutes"

"An arse like a bag of coal"

"Wouldnt ride her with Yours"

"She'd get up on a gust of wind"

Balfie

your face looks like ya've been bobbing for chips in a deep fat fryer.

LostinBlanch

She's so ugly even the tide wouldn't take her out.

barbarians

"She's as rough as a badger's arse."

few cans?

'ive seen better looking things come out me arse after a night on the cider'

3hn2givr7mx1sc

A sniper wouldn't even take ya out.

naughto

if ya cant lift her dont shift her

id love to be balls deep in side her

iamstop

Callin bird 'wrote off'

A response to a chat up line
Dude: How do you want your eggs in the morning?
Chick: Unfertilized, now fcuk off!

Yo momma so dumb she got fired from a blow job

MungBean

Wouldnt get up on her to look over a wall.

sh__93

I'd rather sh1te on me hands and clap :pac:

Witcher

Wouldnt throw the leg of a table over her

Tide wouldn't take her out

MungBean

On a related note I seen this joke a while back, I'm sure you've all heard it but I'll tell it again regardless.

Guy walks up to a fat girl in a night club and asks if she has a pen.
Girl blushes and giggles and says "Yes I do".
Guy says

"Well ya better fúckin get back to it before the farmer finds out you've escaped".

I thought twas rather good.

Mickeroo

Best. Thread. Ever.

MungBean

I've seen better looking things coming out of Mordor.

Killer Wench

The best put down happens around 4:00.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvaWQR9UQxg

animan

For a girl with bad teeth:
She'd give a carrot a horrible death.
Or
She'd ate an apple through a letter box

Some12

You have the intellectual agility equivalent to that of a small soap dish.

Of your physiognomy, suffice it to say that since it occupies a position on the front of your head, it must be a face.

In your lineage, females of the canine species predominate.

Kinky Slinky

Dirty ..... like a bag of carrots.

I've seen better looking legs in a snack box.

Guy : Give me three Stellas and a girly drink.
Bartender: So, four Stellas?

If I agreed with you we'd be both wrong.

Words simply cannot describe…the size of the fuck….that I do not give.

You're the load your mother should have swallowed.

Funglegunk

I left her with a face like a painter's radio.

Musicman2006

She's a mouth on er for coolin soup!

Saint_Mel

I've seen better legs on a snooker table.

She has a face on her like a plate of mortal sins.

blaze1

Back in the day some young scumbag was trying to kick off with my mate, and his friend started to bog at me.
I just turned to him "An you cut that out as well mate.... Did you not hear I'm bad for health"

My mate started roaring laughing and the 2 scumbags walked off

ROCKMAN

May have heard it somewhere but cannot remember so I'M TAKING CREDIT FOR IT
Anyway using a disc grinder one day and the person helping let the piece move... quick as a flash I come out with ...

" Jesus you're as dangerous as a shag in a minefield "

simonmln

''When she goes into a bank they turn off the cameras''- Ross O'Carroll Kelly

killer007

She was a two bagger.
One Bag for her head and one bag your head in case her bag fell off !!!:)

Zebra3

To describe a really ugly bird.

Bet down with hammers.

SeaFields

I wouldn't dirty my cock with her