What is compatibility?

Faith

We all often talk about how you need to be "compatible" for a relationship to work, but what does that even mean? Can you ever be 100% compatible with someone? Where's the line between compatible and not?

Say there's two guys. Guy 1 you get on really well with. You're similar on intelligence, sense of humour, and have great conversation and debates. You love spending time with him. But you're the type of girl who'd like to see her boyfriend fairly often and talk every day, whereas guy 1 likes his space. He loves you, but he'd prefer to only see you once or twice a week, isn't mad about texting and wants you both to maintain separate lives. You have to put up with him not being available regularly because of his job/hobbies/other friends.

Guy 2 treats you like a princess. He worships you, is nearly always free when you want to see him, will drop what he's doing for you, always texts first or texts back, often treats you, your friends comment on just how great he is. But the conversation isn't great, you might differ intellectually and sometimes you feel a bit smothered by him.

Which one is there greater compatibility with? I know that's highly subjective and everyone will have different opinions, but they're just examples. What do you think is necessary for compatibility? Is it similar tastes and interests, or is it being treated like a queen, or is it something completely different?

metrovelvet

Broadly speaking, I would say compatibilty comes down to how the two of you solve problems together.

If you do that well, you are made. If you don't well...you are going to have a lot of problems.

blue5000

Sounds to me like you are more compatible with guy 1, to me compatibility is how easy it is to simply talk to someone who you really get on with. Ok guy 2 'worships' you but the same magic just isin't there for you.

Faith

blue5000 wrote: »

Sounds to me like you are more compatible with guy 1, to me compatibility is how easy it is to simply talk to someone who you really get on with. Ok guy 2 'worships' you but the same magic just isin't there for you.

That was just an example. There's nothing personal about me in this thread at all; I'm just looking for opinions on the general topic .

Logical Fallacy

Neither of them seem really compatible based off the information given.

A middle ground between the two would be more on the ball i reckon.

Compatibility tends to get worked out over time. As an example guy the second might be available but that could easily end up killing the relationship early, especially if you don't have much to discuss.

Guy the first might like his privacy but might just be a bit gun shy and will open up over time as the relationship moves from the early weeks and months into a more long term thing.

I'd definitely agree with Metro that compatibility roughly equates to problem solving ability on both sides. Too much give or take required from either party will normally be the death of things.

G86

I wouldn't be interested in Guy 2 at all, sounds more like a friend, and the smothering would REALLY grate on me.

I was actually talking to a guy about this the other night, and he was saying that he thinks opposites DO attract. For example, he and is ex were very similar, both really chilled out and laidback, but it got to the point where they never actually got anything done! I'm very motivated and pro-active, so a guy who's extremely laidback would annoy the hell out of me at times, but at the same time I've dated guys like that and we've rubbed off on each other for the better at times too. i.e. they were good at getting me to calm the head in stressful situations, and I was good at giving them a kick up the arse when required:p

I don't think it's either of the above examples that you've noted, I think it all comes down to chemistry and everything just falls in to line after that - the things that should make you hate them make you love them, and all of your preconceived ideals go out the door.

krudler

of my last 2 exes the most recent was the one I saw rarely but got on with brilliantly, the previous one I saw every other day and felt smothered. a balance is definitely needed, you dont want to feel like the other person doesnt have a life away from you but at the same time not feel like you never see each other.

stuff in common is essential though, similar (but not identical) tastes in movies, music, ideas of what a good night is and the like definitely helps a relationship last. you dont want to date a carbon copy of yourself but if theres no common interests then you'll run out of stuff to talk about pretty quickly.

WindSock

Well there are two negatives to guy two than guy one that I can see. If you can't have a good conversation with someone you are with and feel smothered by them then I would say you are not really compatible with them. Guy one seems the more compatible in this scenario, I wouldn't call the lack of contact to be a factor of compatibility though.

Contessa Raven

I would also agree that how you solve problems is a BIG factor.

Personally, I need someone who balances me out. I have a short fuse and get worked up really easily about things. Someone who is really chilled out and good at keeping their cool would be good for me. Also, compatability (for me) is based on common goals. I want someone who wants the same things for us that I want.

If I want to buy a house, get married and have children but this guy who is perfect for me wants to live separately and see each other casually and never commit to me in any way, then we'll never be compatible.

If you take Guy 1 from Faith's example at the top and throw bad sex into his equation. Now throw mindblowing sex into the equation with Guy 2. Which one is more appealing?

Contessa Raven

Contessa Raven wrote: »

If you take Guy 1 from Faith's example at the top and throw bad sex into his equation. Now throw mindblowing sex into the equation with Guy 2. Which one is more appealing?

Sexual compatibility is certainly an important part of a relationship, but it doesn't make a relationship. Guy 2 in op that you don't have much in common but sex with? - that's turning into FB, not a compatible relationship.

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I would also agree that how you solve problems is a BIG factor.

Personally, I need someone who balances me out. I have a short fuse and get worked up really easily about things. Someone who is really chilled out and good at keeping their cool would be good for me. Also, compatability (for me) is based on common goals. I want someone who wants the same things for us that I want.

I'm very much a "we'll cool off for a few hours then come back and talk about it" kind of person, not a "I wont talk to you for a few days and it'll all blow over" type, I hate that, it doesnt solve anything and you wind up just keeping previous arguments as ammo for the next one "this is just like that time you blah blah" type stuff. I'd much prefer someone talked to me bluntly that I pissed them off rather than acting coldly towards me and hoping I pick up the hints.
Granted you dont want to see like a nag for bringing up minor things but surely its better someone knows something and they can fix it rather than them doing it and wrecking your head.

Contessa Raven

bluewolf wrote: »

Sexual compatibility is certainly an important part of a relationship, but it doesn't make a relationship. Guy 2 in op that you don't have much in common but sex with? - that's turning into FB, not a compatible relationship.

I agree. Wouldn't be for me anyway. Just threw it in to see what other people thought. Some people would prefer to have the regular mindblowing sex over the decent conversation at irregular intervals.

I think sexual compatibility is an important part but I couldn't be with someone who was great in bed but was incredibly dull outside of the bedroom. I need the whole package. :pac:

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I agree. Wouldn't be for me anyway. Just threw it in to see what other people thought. Some people would prefer to have the regular mindblowing sex over the decent conversation at irregular intervals.

I think sexual compatibility is an important part but I couldn't be with someone who was great in bed but was incredibly dull outside of the bedroom. I need the whole package. :pac:

definitely, need both, as a casual fun thing then the mindlbowing sex is fine but if its someone you want a relationship with then you need to get out onside of that as well. And definitely bedroom compatibilty, no point being with someone who hates everything you like and vice versa. some people have bizarre thinking about some aspects of that though, a friend of mine was asking me one night how she'd ask her new boyfriend to give her oral I was like "just ask?" and she didnt want to in case it made her seem "slutty" I was like you're going out, hows it slutty to ask a partner to do something you like? you didnt just meet the guy in a pub or something!

krudler

krudler wrote: »

definitely, need both, as a casual fun thing then the mindlbowing sex is fine but if its someone you want a relationship with then you need to get out onside of that as well. And definitely bedroom compatibilty, no point being with someone who hates everything you like and vice versa. some people have bizarre thinking about some aspects of that though, a friend of mine was asking me one night how she'd ask her new boyfriend to give her oral I was like "just ask?" and she didnt want to in case it made her seem "slutty" I was like you're going out, hows it slutty to ask a partner to do something you like? you didnt just meet the guy in a pub or something!

Well there is another answer to add to the list - communication!!!

Honestly, if you can sleep with him but not talk to him...

seenitall

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I need the whole package.

^^^^ This.

In short, no compatibility with either guy 1 or guy 2. Keep looking, seenitall! :pac:

krudler

take secret option #3 the funny guy :pac:

Contessa Raven

Yup! Funny! VERY important! I need someone to make me laugh. If he can't make me laugh then we can't even be friends! :P

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Yup! Funny! VERY important! I need someone to make me laugh. If he can't make me laugh then we can't even be friends! :P

works wonders for me anyway, long as someone gets my sense of humour.

Buceph

I think at its simplest level you're compatible with someone while the positives outweigh the negatives. Unfortunately the positives are harder to maintain while the negatives grow. If you find someone where that isn't a struggle I'd say you're compatible.

The actual aspects of the relationship, like ability to stay up all night talking but not feel awkward during a quiet moment, sexual intimacy, having the same taste in something, or them complementing a flaw in your own behaviour and vice versa are just elements that you make a value judgement on when weighing up if the good outweighs the bad. And it's up to you to see which you value. For young people sexual compatibility is usually a huge factor, but I've often heard of cases where an elderly widow and widower create an almost marriage like situation which places no value on sexual compatibility.

As implementations of maintaining the compatibility and ensuring the good outweighs the bad I think the idea of solving problems well together is one. And another is the idea of never going to bed angry at each other.

Edit: I'm a guy by the way, hence the impersonal pronouns to try and keep it The Ladies Lounge compatible. :P

metrovelvet

krudler wrote: »

I'm very much a "we'll cool off for a few hours then come back and talk about it" kind of person, not a "I wont talk to you for a few days and it'll all blow over" type, I hate that, it doesnt solve anything and you wind up just keeping previous arguments as ammo for the next one "this is just like that time you blah blah" type stuff. I'd much prefer someone talked to me bluntly that I pissed them off rather than acting coldly towards me and hoping I pick up the hints.
Granted you dont want to see like a nag for bringing up minor things but surely its better someone knows something and they can fix it rather than them doing it and wrecking your head.

The thing is in Irish families one false move and they wont speak to you for thirty years.

So people are afraid to say anything. I personally find it suffocating and I cant function with it.

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

The thing is in Irish families one false move and they wont speak to you for thirty years.

So people are afraid to say anything. I personally find it suffocating and I cant function with it.

Oh its definitely a generational thing, people were/are afraid of just talking to each other about the giant white elephant in the room and instead got on with things. seen it in my own family as well. its why I prefer talking about things, I cant stand arguing, yelling at each other solves fcuk all.

metrovelvet

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

metrovelvet

krudler wrote: »

Oh its definitely a generational thing, people were/are afraid of just talking to each other about the giant white elephant in the room and instead got on with things. seen it in my own family as well. its why I prefer talking about things, I cant stand arguing, yelling at each other solves fcuk all.

Yep. You get the other side too. A lot of talking and no listening. If someone starts screaming, its usually because someone else hasnt been listening.

Its bull****.

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

I'd take respect over worship any day of the week, and you cant respect someone who grovels around or drops everything for you. its all about balance, you want to want the other person not have them at your beck and call. I'm a big believer in time apart in a relationship, it keeps things healthy and if you're not around each other 24/7 theres less chance of getting sick of each other. I know too many couples who are gagging for a weekend away on their own or with friends as they live with their partner and do everything together, that scares the sh1t out of me as I've been there before and never want to be there again.

metrovelvet

metrovelvet wrote: »

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

Well...

Ah no I do agree with your point though - much rather have respect than worship.

G86

krudler wrote: »

I know too many couples who are gagging for a weekend away on their own or with friends as they live with their partner and do everything together, that scares the sh1t out of me as I've been there before and never want to be there again.

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

krudler

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

been there, not the actually asking permission part but massive amounts of heads up, like an impromptu "sure we'll head out" night was met with scorn, one that was announced a week in advance was usually ok, like she needed time to adjust to the idea that I'd be in a place where there were other women. ugh why'd I waste my time with that girl! Its amazing how you see yourself when you look back at previous relationships and the sh1t you put up with when you're young and stupid. From what our mutual friends told me the guy she's been seeing since me is kept on a very short leash and she's gotten worse, to the point where she's lost friends over it.

Corkblowin

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

Off topic but many of my friends are like this - but I have little sympathy for them if they can't stand up for themselves. Once you're considerate to your partner and not disappearing 7 nights a week, ignoring the kids, and coming home pissed then there shouldn't be any issues with the odd night out.

Worst of all is that most of my mates are married and their partners aren't happy with them going out with a guy who's single - ie me! WTF!! So I'm a bad influence now because I may be talking to women?

On topic I agree with most of the posters here - it is not entirely necessary to have common interests and like all the same things for a relationship to work, however it is important that your partners interests are not a total turn-off for you - my ex sat through plenty of GAA matches and I attended more fashion shows than any guy should have to - but the fact we knew it meant something to each other made it worthwhile.

krudler

Corkblowin wrote: »

On topic I agree with most of the posters here - it is not entirely necessary to have common interests and like all the same things for a relationship to work, however it is important that your partners interests are not a total turn-off for you - my ex sat through plenty of GAA matches and I attended more fashion shows than any guy should have to - but the fact we knew it meant something to each other made it worthwhile.

All about balance again, different interests but not to the point where you have conflicting ideas of how to spend your time together all the time. like I'd never date a born again christian who thinks video games are evil, doesnt watch movies and has zero interest in anything I do, what'd be the point?

shellyboo

Faith wrote: »

We all often talk about how you need to be "compatible" for a relationship to work, but what does that even mean? Can you ever be 100% compatible with someone? Where's the line between compatible and not?

I'd say you'd be more compatible with Guy 1, even though he's more introverted than you'd want. I'd separate compatibility from the logistics of dating. To me, compatibility is about personality, not lifestyle. I think when the two meet -- that you're compatible on a personality level AND you both want the same things out of life -- that's when you've struck gold.

krudler wrote: »

All about balance again, different interests but not to the point where you have conflicting ideas of how to spend your time together all the time.

I'd agree with this. Personally, I'd consider myself to be quite emotionally high-maintenance. I like spending a lot of time with my partner, being in contact every day, talking things out, communicating. While I've been with a lot of guys who differed in their expectations about spending time together etc, I don't think I've ever actually gone out with someone I didn't think I was compatible with. We got on perfectly well -- I think I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I DON'T get on with -- but sometimes relationships don't work even if you really want them to.

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

I think in a lot of cases, this can be blown out of proportion. And I think sometimes guys play on this "ball and chain" thing as an excuse. I know my own boyfriend used the "oh she won't let me out" thing once or twice because he just didn't want to go out. That was before I told him to stop it. It was really hurtful to me because I'd never, ever, ever stop him going out with friends if he wanted to. I'm truly not that kind of girlfriend and it bugged the hell out of me that he was portraying me that way.

HOWEVER. We live together, just the two of us. If he's planning to go out, I think it's basic manners of him to give me a heads up to make sure we don't have anything already planned, or that there's something else happening. That I don't have a massive dinner on the go that'll end up in the bin. Of course, this goes both ways! I'd always give him a call if my plans changed.

As his partner, I do expect to be put first, within reason. And he feels that I should be put first. And vice-versa. That's how our relationship works and we're both more than happy with it.