What is compatibility?

Faith

We all often talk about how you need to be "compatible" for a relationship to work, but what does that even mean? Can you ever be 100% compatible with someone? Where's the line between compatible and not?

Say there's two guys. Guy 1 you get on really well with. You're similar on intelligence, sense of humour, and have great conversation and debates. You love spending time with him. But you're the type of girl who'd like to see her boyfriend fairly often and talk every day, whereas guy 1 likes his space. He loves you, but he'd prefer to only see you once or twice a week, isn't mad about texting and wants you both to maintain separate lives. You have to put up with him not being available regularly because of his job/hobbies/other friends.

Guy 2 treats you like a princess. He worships you, is nearly always free when you want to see him, will drop what he's doing for you, always texts first or texts back, often treats you, your friends comment on just how great he is. But the conversation isn't great, you might differ intellectually and sometimes you feel a bit smothered by him.

Which one is there greater compatibility with? I know that's highly subjective and everyone will have different opinions, but they're just examples. What do you think is necessary for compatibility? Is it similar tastes and interests, or is it being treated like a queen, or is it something completely different?

metrovelvet

Broadly speaking, I would say compatibilty comes down to how the two of you solve problems together.

If you do that well, you are made. If you don't well...you are going to have a lot of problems.

blue5000

Sounds to me like you are more compatible with guy 1, to me compatibility is how easy it is to simply talk to someone who you really get on with. Ok guy 2 'worships' you but the same magic just isin't there for you.

Faith

blue5000 wrote: »

Sounds to me like you are more compatible with guy 1, to me compatibility is how easy it is to simply talk to someone who you really get on with. Ok guy 2 'worships' you but the same magic just isin't there for you.

That was just an example. There's nothing personal about me in this thread at all; I'm just looking for opinions on the general topic .

Logical Fallacy

Neither of them seem really compatible based off the information given.

A middle ground between the two would be more on the ball i reckon.

Compatibility tends to get worked out over time. As an example guy the second might be available but that could easily end up killing the relationship early, especially if you don't have much to discuss.

Guy the first might like his privacy but might just be a bit gun shy and will open up over time as the relationship moves from the early weeks and months into a more long term thing.

I'd definitely agree with Metro that compatibility roughly equates to problem solving ability on both sides. Too much give or take required from either party will normally be the death of things.

G86

I wouldn't be interested in Guy 2 at all, sounds more like a friend, and the smothering would REALLY grate on me.

I was actually talking to a guy about this the other night, and he was saying that he thinks opposites DO attract. For example, he and is ex were very similar, both really chilled out and laidback, but it got to the point where they never actually got anything done! I'm very motivated and pro-active, so a guy who's extremely laidback would annoy the hell out of me at times, but at the same time I've dated guys like that and we've rubbed off on each other for the better at times too. i.e. they were good at getting me to calm the head in stressful situations, and I was good at giving them a kick up the arse when required:p

I don't think it's either of the above examples that you've noted, I think it all comes down to chemistry and everything just falls in to line after that - the things that should make you hate them make you love them, and all of your preconceived ideals go out the door.

krudler

of my last 2 exes the most recent was the one I saw rarely but got on with brilliantly, the previous one I saw every other day and felt smothered. a balance is definitely needed, you dont want to feel like the other person doesnt have a life away from you but at the same time not feel like you never see each other.

stuff in common is essential though, similar (but not identical) tastes in movies, music, ideas of what a good night is and the like definitely helps a relationship last. you dont want to date a carbon copy of yourself but if theres no common interests then you'll run out of stuff to talk about pretty quickly.

WindSock

Well there are two negatives to guy two than guy one that I can see. If you can't have a good conversation with someone you are with and feel smothered by them then I would say you are not really compatible with them. Guy one seems the more compatible in this scenario, I wouldn't call the lack of contact to be a factor of compatibility though.

Contessa Raven

I would also agree that how you solve problems is a BIG factor.

Personally, I need someone who balances me out. I have a short fuse and get worked up really easily about things. Someone who is really chilled out and good at keeping their cool would be good for me. Also, compatability (for me) is based on common goals. I want someone who wants the same things for us that I want.

If I want to buy a house, get married and have children but this guy who is perfect for me wants to live separately and see each other casually and never commit to me in any way, then we'll never be compatible.

If you take Guy 1 from Faith's example at the top and throw bad sex into his equation. Now throw mindblowing sex into the equation with Guy 2. Which one is more appealing?

Contessa Raven

Contessa Raven wrote: »

If you take Guy 1 from Faith's example at the top and throw bad sex into his equation. Now throw mindblowing sex into the equation with Guy 2. Which one is more appealing?

Sexual compatibility is certainly an important part of a relationship, but it doesn't make a relationship. Guy 2 in op that you don't have much in common but sex with? - that's turning into FB, not a compatible relationship.

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I would also agree that how you solve problems is a BIG factor.

Personally, I need someone who balances me out. I have a short fuse and get worked up really easily about things. Someone who is really chilled out and good at keeping their cool would be good for me. Also, compatability (for me) is based on common goals. I want someone who wants the same things for us that I want.

I'm very much a "we'll cool off for a few hours then come back and talk about it" kind of person, not a "I wont talk to you for a few days and it'll all blow over" type, I hate that, it doesnt solve anything and you wind up just keeping previous arguments as ammo for the next one "this is just like that time you blah blah" type stuff. I'd much prefer someone talked to me bluntly that I pissed them off rather than acting coldly towards me and hoping I pick up the hints.
Granted you dont want to see like a nag for bringing up minor things but surely its better someone knows something and they can fix it rather than them doing it and wrecking your head.

Contessa Raven

bluewolf wrote: »

Sexual compatibility is certainly an important part of a relationship, but it doesn't make a relationship. Guy 2 in op that you don't have much in common but sex with? - that's turning into FB, not a compatible relationship.

I agree. Wouldn't be for me anyway. Just threw it in to see what other people thought. Some people would prefer to have the regular mindblowing sex over the decent conversation at irregular intervals.

I think sexual compatibility is an important part but I couldn't be with someone who was great in bed but was incredibly dull outside of the bedroom. I need the whole package. :pac:

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I agree. Wouldn't be for me anyway. Just threw it in to see what other people thought. Some people would prefer to have the regular mindblowing sex over the decent conversation at irregular intervals.

I think sexual compatibility is an important part but I couldn't be with someone who was great in bed but was incredibly dull outside of the bedroom. I need the whole package. :pac:

definitely, need both, as a casual fun thing then the mindlbowing sex is fine but if its someone you want a relationship with then you need to get out onside of that as well. And definitely bedroom compatibilty, no point being with someone who hates everything you like and vice versa. some people have bizarre thinking about some aspects of that though, a friend of mine was asking me one night how she'd ask her new boyfriend to give her oral I was like "just ask?" and she didnt want to in case it made her seem "slutty" I was like you're going out, hows it slutty to ask a partner to do something you like? you didnt just meet the guy in a pub or something!

krudler

krudler wrote: »

definitely, need both, as a casual fun thing then the mindlbowing sex is fine but if its someone you want a relationship with then you need to get out onside of that as well. And definitely bedroom compatibilty, no point being with someone who hates everything you like and vice versa. some people have bizarre thinking about some aspects of that though, a friend of mine was asking me one night how she'd ask her new boyfriend to give her oral I was like "just ask?" and she didnt want to in case it made her seem "slutty" I was like you're going out, hows it slutty to ask a partner to do something you like? you didnt just meet the guy in a pub or something!

Well there is another answer to add to the list - communication!!!

Honestly, if you can sleep with him but not talk to him...

seenitall

Contessa Raven wrote: »

I need the whole package.

^^^^ This.

In short, no compatibility with either guy 1 or guy 2. Keep looking, seenitall! :pac:

krudler

take secret option #3 the funny guy :pac:

Contessa Raven

Yup! Funny! VERY important! I need someone to make me laugh. If he can't make me laugh then we can't even be friends! :P

krudler

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Yup! Funny! VERY important! I need someone to make me laugh. If he can't make me laugh then we can't even be friends! :P

works wonders for me anyway, long as someone gets my sense of humour.

Buceph

I think at its simplest level you're compatible with someone while the positives outweigh the negatives. Unfortunately the positives are harder to maintain while the negatives grow. If you find someone where that isn't a struggle I'd say you're compatible.

The actual aspects of the relationship, like ability to stay up all night talking but not feel awkward during a quiet moment, sexual intimacy, having the same taste in something, or them complementing a flaw in your own behaviour and vice versa are just elements that you make a value judgement on when weighing up if the good outweighs the bad. And it's up to you to see which you value. For young people sexual compatibility is usually a huge factor, but I've often heard of cases where an elderly widow and widower create an almost marriage like situation which places no value on sexual compatibility.

As implementations of maintaining the compatibility and ensuring the good outweighs the bad I think the idea of solving problems well together is one. And another is the idea of never going to bed angry at each other.

Edit: I'm a guy by the way, hence the impersonal pronouns to try and keep it The Ladies Lounge compatible. :P

metrovelvet

krudler wrote: »

I'm very much a "we'll cool off for a few hours then come back and talk about it" kind of person, not a "I wont talk to you for a few days and it'll all blow over" type, I hate that, it doesnt solve anything and you wind up just keeping previous arguments as ammo for the next one "this is just like that time you blah blah" type stuff. I'd much prefer someone talked to me bluntly that I pissed them off rather than acting coldly towards me and hoping I pick up the hints.
Granted you dont want to see like a nag for bringing up minor things but surely its better someone knows something and they can fix it rather than them doing it and wrecking your head.

The thing is in Irish families one false move and they wont speak to you for thirty years.

So people are afraid to say anything. I personally find it suffocating and I cant function with it.

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

The thing is in Irish families one false move and they wont speak to you for thirty years.

So people are afraid to say anything. I personally find it suffocating and I cant function with it.

Oh its definitely a generational thing, people were/are afraid of just talking to each other about the giant white elephant in the room and instead got on with things. seen it in my own family as well. its why I prefer talking about things, I cant stand arguing, yelling at each other solves fcuk all.

metrovelvet

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

metrovelvet

krudler wrote: »

Oh its definitely a generational thing, people were/are afraid of just talking to each other about the giant white elephant in the room and instead got on with things. seen it in my own family as well. its why I prefer talking about things, I cant stand arguing, yelling at each other solves fcuk all.

Yep. You get the other side too. A lot of talking and no listening. If someone starts screaming, its usually because someone else hasnt been listening.

Its bull****.

krudler

metrovelvet wrote: »

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

I'd take respect over worship any day of the week, and you cant respect someone who grovels around or drops everything for you. its all about balance, you want to want the other person not have them at your beck and call. I'm a big believer in time apart in a relationship, it keeps things healthy and if you're not around each other 24/7 theres less chance of getting sick of each other. I know too many couples who are gagging for a weekend away on their own or with friends as they live with their partner and do everything together, that scares the sh1t out of me as I've been there before and never want to be there again.

metrovelvet

metrovelvet wrote: »

Worship is never a good place. Pedastals are never too far from pits. And for the worshipper, cant be too fun being on your knees all the time.

Well...

Ah no I do agree with your point though - much rather have respect than worship.

G86

krudler wrote: »

I know too many couples who are gagging for a weekend away on their own or with friends as they live with their partner and do everything together, that scares the sh1t out of me as I've been there before and never want to be there again.

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

krudler

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

been there, not the actually asking permission part but massive amounts of heads up, like an impromptu "sure we'll head out" night was met with scorn, one that was announced a week in advance was usually ok, like she needed time to adjust to the idea that I'd be in a place where there were other women. ugh why'd I waste my time with that girl! Its amazing how you see yourself when you look back at previous relationships and the sh1t you put up with when you're young and stupid. From what our mutual friends told me the guy she's been seeing since me is kept on a very short leash and she's gotten worse, to the point where she's lost friends over it.

Corkblowin

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

Off topic but many of my friends are like this - but I have little sympathy for them if they can't stand up for themselves. Once you're considerate to your partner and not disappearing 7 nights a week, ignoring the kids, and coming home pissed then there shouldn't be any issues with the odd night out.

Worst of all is that most of my mates are married and their partners aren't happy with them going out with a guy who's single - ie me! WTF!! So I'm a bad influence now because I may be talking to women?

On topic I agree with most of the posters here - it is not entirely necessary to have common interests and like all the same things for a relationship to work, however it is important that your partners interests are not a total turn-off for you - my ex sat through plenty of GAA matches and I attended more fashion shows than any guy should have to - but the fact we knew it meant something to each other made it worthwhile.

krudler

Corkblowin wrote: »

On topic I agree with most of the posters here - it is not entirely necessary to have common interests and like all the same things for a relationship to work, however it is important that your partners interests are not a total turn-off for you - my ex sat through plenty of GAA matches and I attended more fashion shows than any guy should have to - but the fact we knew it meant something to each other made it worthwhile.

All about balance again, different interests but not to the point where you have conflicting ideas of how to spend your time together all the time. like I'd never date a born again christian who thinks video games are evil, doesnt watch movies and has zero interest in anything I do, what'd be the point?

shellyboo

Faith wrote: »

We all often talk about how you need to be "compatible" for a relationship to work, but what does that even mean? Can you ever be 100% compatible with someone? Where's the line between compatible and not?

I'd say you'd be more compatible with Guy 1, even though he's more introverted than you'd want. I'd separate compatibility from the logistics of dating. To me, compatibility is about personality, not lifestyle. I think when the two meet -- that you're compatible on a personality level AND you both want the same things out of life -- that's when you've struck gold.

krudler wrote: »

All about balance again, different interests but not to the point where you have conflicting ideas of how to spend your time together all the time.

I'd agree with this. Personally, I'd consider myself to be quite emotionally high-maintenance. I like spending a lot of time with my partner, being in contact every day, talking things out, communicating. While I've been with a lot of guys who differed in their expectations about spending time together etc, I don't think I've ever actually gone out with someone I didn't think I was compatible with. We got on perfectly well -- I think I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I DON'T get on with -- but sometimes relationships don't work even if you really want them to.

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

I think in a lot of cases, this can be blown out of proportion. And I think sometimes guys play on this "ball and chain" thing as an excuse. I know my own boyfriend used the "oh she won't let me out" thing once or twice because he just didn't want to go out. That was before I told him to stop it. It was really hurtful to me because I'd never, ever, ever stop him going out with friends if he wanted to. I'm truly not that kind of girlfriend and it bugged the hell out of me that he was portraying me that way.

HOWEVER. We live together, just the two of us. If he's planning to go out, I think it's basic manners of him to give me a heads up to make sure we don't have anything already planned, or that there's something else happening. That I don't have a massive dinner on the go that'll end up in the bin. Of course, this goes both ways! I'd always give him a call if my plans changed.

As his partner, I do expect to be put first, within reason. And he feels that I should be put first. And vice-versa. That's how our relationship works and we're both more than happy with it.

krudler

shellyboo wrote: »

HOWEVER. We live together, just the two of us. If he's planning to go out, I think it's basic manners of him to give me a heads up to make sure we don't have anything already planned, or that there's something else happening. That I don't have a massive dinner on the go that'll end up in the bin. Of course, this goes both ways! I'd always give him a call if my plans changed.

As his partner, I do expect to be put first, within reason. And he feels that I should be put first. And vice-versa. That's how our relationship works and we're both more than happy with it.

Thats perfectly reasonable, I'd do the same if I wasnt living with someone, theres asking permission and then theres just giving a heads up or checking they didnt plan on meeting up that night.

alexa5x5

I’d say after the initial heady days of romance and butterflies in the stomach have faded to something more comfortable, liking someone enough to put up with their faults or differences is high up there on the list for compatibility. It may not be the most romantic belief but it’s what works for me.

jesus_thats_gre

Something that is used by a man or woman to justify their attraction, or lack of, to someone.

Neyite

In my relationship, we average about one serious fallout a year. Even then, there is no shouting or namecalling. Neither of us would tolerate it.

The first time we had a row was after we moved in with each other, about 15 months into our relationship, and he yelled and chucked a pen on the floor in the middle of it. I told him I would talk to him when he calmed down and went into another room. He followed me a few minutes later and we continued our discussion. It can work if you are more concerned with compromise and resolution, rather than arguing who is right.

When my sister has a row with her husband, she cries, he shouts, she drags up the past, she storms out, he runs after her, she calls him names, he calls her some too yada yada.. I could not stand that behaviour from a fellow adult.

I had come from a volatile and headwrecking relationship and so had he, and we started off as a weekend lets-have-fun-and-we'll-see kind of thing. I told him from the start that I dont do games or hints, and expected the same from him. So in the beginning when you in each others company every night, it was great to be able to say to the other person that you fancied a quiet night by yourself or go out with your own friends without it being taken as a person rejection or a reason for a "talk".

Communication is really open between us. He is very laid back, while I tend to be impulsive, so we balance out each other that way. I put the fire under him, he stops me from diving into a situation without thinking.

Its really strange for me to have such a tranquil relationship for the last 7 years - I had a terrible temper as a child and teen, but growing up a bit I realised that anger was my default reaction to most situations out of habit and once I realised that there was usually an underlying emotion that was causing the anger, for instance hurt, disappointment, sad, and the anger melted away once I learned to recognise that emotion for what it was.

I give respect, but I expect it too. I dont demand as a right what I can ask as a favour, that means asking him to get something in the shop on the way home, and thanking him when he does that for me.

I have had clingy relationships before and they are the biggest turnoff. Same with a guy who is emotionally distant - its just not for me.

Ickle Magoo

Why not just wait for guy 3 who has it all? Ime relationships are all about communication and compromise but the happiest, most long lived relationships I've had are the ones when we've been able to communicate well and compromise little...

Compatibility mean one thing to me, less arguments. The more compatible you are the less negotiating, the less arguing, the less compromising and the least amount of resentment building - not necessarily that you agree on everything but core values and expectations are shared so nobody comes out feeling like they got the short straw...but I also don't think just because we were compatible at X point that we'll still be compatible at Y point - but again, I think the chances of drifting apart with different wants, needs and aspirations are lessened if you share those to begin with.

I am a friend

G86 wrote: »

I actually know guys who have to ask permission from their g/fs to go out with their mates for a night. Yes, seriously.

A lot of them use that as a cop out in case they don't want to go on the night and can't say it to your face...

Faith

Faith wrote: »

That was just an example. There's nothing personal about me in this thread at all; I'm just looking for opinions on the general topic .

When I read it first , in my mind I was like, Guy 1 sounds married and Guy 2 must be her boyfriend!

I know of many a situation like that

G86

I am a friend wrote: »

A lot of them use that as a cop out in case they don't want to go on the night and can't say it to your face...

Nope, not in this case. One guys g/f would actually text the friends he's out with to check his story, and god help him if he stayed out all night - there would be war!

It's ridiculous.

pow wow

I was going to answer this but I actually can't put it into words. Still trying, still can't lol.

what do you do if guy 1 turns into guy 2 ?

metrovelvet

G86 wrote: »

Nope, not in this case. One guys g/f would actually text the friends he's out with to check his story, and god help him if he stayed out all night - there would be war!

It's ridiculous.

That might work for them. Some people like the mommy and the teenager paradigm. It suits her domineeringness and it suits his immaturity.

cson

Deleted User wrote: »

what do you do if guy 1 turns into guy 2 ?

Fight clinginess with clinginess!

bronte

It's quite difficult to put into words what compatibility is.
It isn't any one thing I suppose....maybe that's why.
You'll know fairly quickly if you aren't compatible, that much I do know.
Maybe it's that feeling of something not being *quite* right?

Novella

Is compatibility just one of those things, ya know like chemistry - you can't say what it is exactly, but when it's missing, it's all you can think about? That thing you drive yourself mad trying to fix... but can't.

IrishEyes19

I think opposites attract to be honest. I think compatibility is possibly that you correspond together on where you want to go in life. Both people have the same morals, and values. I think thats highly important and possibly a similar sense of humour. But I dont think compatibility has to be the same down to fine T, otherwise it would be a very boring relationship. Would take all the fun out of getting to know different things about someone else.

CathyMoran

I am happily married to a man that I love spending time with I never thought that I could stand that, we have lots in common, are always kissing and have the same sense of humour - for me that is what works. I could never have dated someone who did not have a sense of humour but of those scenarios neither works and I would have waited until I met the right person.

I am a friend

G86 wrote: »

Nope, not in this case. One guys g/f would actually text the friends he's out with to check his story, and god help him if he stayed out all night - there would be war!

It's ridiculous.

Oh God - how suffocating.. Why does he put up with it? It says more about him than her...

Maple

Compatibility in a relationship, for me, is when you think of that person as your best friend and never grow tired of spending time with them.

Compatibility is including that person in things you do, but not because you have to as they are your SO but because you want to.

Compatibility is having the freedom to do your own thing with your friends or family without thinking oops I'm going to be in the doghouse for this.

Compatibility is about being a strong unit together but still being recognisable individuals.

It's about having the same core values but the objectivity to accept that it's not always going to be plain sailing and that relationships do take some work. It's about being able to communicate properly.

And personally, I'd want a guy who was affectionate and tactile. I don't mean all handsy but a man who's happy to give you a cuddle. And who shows you in little ways that he loves you. I don't need big gestures. I couldn't be with a guy who was emotionally unavailable, it would be the antithesis of everything I am so I'd only die in the relationship.

Count Duckula

Compatibility is, in my opinion, how well you fit together. Your outlook on life, the way you treat each other, and at a basic level how happy you make one another. The more compatible you are with someone, the fewer major blowouts you'll have. That's not to say you won't have disagreements, but you won't have a screaming match.

Of course, one thing people seem unable to grasp sometimes is that you can be totally compatible with someone at one point, but over the years change and slowly grow apart. It doesn't mean that you were never compatible or that the relationship was never the right relationship; it just means that it's no longer the right relationship. For fifteen years it might have been perfect.

micayla

Faith wrote: »

We all often talk about how you need to be "compatible" for a relationship to work, but what does that even mean? Can you ever be 100% compatible with someone? Where's the line between compatible and not?

Say there's two guys. Guy 1 you get on really well with. You're similar on intelligence, sense of humour, and have great conversation and debates. You love spending time with him. But you're the type of girl who'd like to see her boyfriend fairly often and talk every day, whereas guy 1 likes his space. He loves you, but he'd prefer to only see you once or twice a week, isn't mad about texting and wants you both to maintain separate lives. You have to put up with him not being available regularly because of his job/hobbies/other friends.

Guy 2 treats you like a princess. He worships you, is nearly always free when you want to see him, will drop what he's doing for you, always texts first or texts back, often treats you, your friends comment on just how great he is. But the conversation isn't great, you might differ intellectually and sometimes you feel a bit smothered by him.

Which one is there greater compatibility with? I know that's highly subjective and everyone will have different opinions, but they're just examples. What do you think is necessary for compatibility? Is it similar tastes and interests, or is it being treated like a queen, or is it something completely different?

Can I have a mix of the two? I like being able to talk to the person I'm dating, have proper conversations and everything, but I also don't want to share all of my interests with that one person, that seems to me, to like reliquishing one's individuality in a way. So while guy 1s preference to see me once a week would irritate me guy 2s contantly wanting to spend time with me would do the same, plus early on I think we'd get bored of one another. I will admit to being emotinally needy in a relationship so guy 1s lack of emotion - or so I'm seeing it as from the description - just wouldn't suit my needs, but I do also need my space.

I think at the end of the day for a relationship to truly work, aside from the sexual compatibility and actually liking and respecting the person, you need to know yourself and your limits and that person needs to be someone that you are willing to to go to your limits for.