"Dear Mr. Cúnt......" Funny Banking Story.

UglyBolloxFace

Don't know how I haven't gotten round to telling yee all this story.

Years ago, around about 2007 (I think), I got a random letter delivered to the door.
Just another run of the mill letter, you would think. But oh no - this letter was addressed to a......."Mr. Cunt [my surname]" (let's say, for the sake of argument, my surname is Face).

After laughing hysterically, I calmed down and began to think to myself "who in the name of fuck sends a letter like this to someone".

It was from Ulster Bank. They had written to this "Mr. Cúnt Face" to tell him about their new upcoming offers.

So, again in fits of laughing, I ring the Ulster Bank helpline and try my best to explain to the girl on the phone (went roughly like this):

"Em..yeah..well, ya see, it's addressed to me but there, em, seems to be vulgar word in place of my actual first name"
"Sorry sir, I'm not following you....?" (her finest telephone voice)
"Okay, okay...instead of my first name...the name on the letter is, em, Mr. Cúnt".
"[silence].....[more silence]...sorry, wha'? (telephone voice fades with the shock).
"Yep, mad isn't it."
"Oh I'm really sorry sir, I don't know how that happened..what the...."

Blah blah blah...ended up sending them a letter outlining 'my disgust' (even though I found it hilarious) and attached a copy of the letter. I also outlined how my 'deeply religious mother' (she couldn't be any further from that) was absolutely appalled when she saw it.

Few days later the Big Boss Lady rang me and uttered her sincere apologies and informed me that a hamper (and flowers/chocolates for mo' momma) were on the way.

Hamper was fucking delish.

Still have the original letter and corresponding letters - must root them out when I'm back in Dublin and throw them up here. Also have the recording of the original phonecall I made to the Bank.

There's another little few bits to the story that I've omitted to save time. But I eventually found out how/why/who sent the letter etc;)

So AH, have you any funny/weird stories like this?

chin_grin

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

"Mr. Cunt [my surname]"

You have an unfortunate surname.

starbelgrade

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

Also have the recording of the original phonecall I made to the Bank.

Now that is weird.

brummytom

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

There's another little few bits to the story that I've omitted to save time. But I eventually found out how/why/who sent the letter etc;)

Was it like a malicious, intentional thing or did you have an argument on the phone with a member of staff, and they changed your record to 'Cunt' and it didn't get changed back?

seithon

All I can say is a place where I was working we had a customer who was somewhat... legendary.

Why?

Because his name was "Mr Sony Kodak Cat"

Apparently he loved the companies so much he legally changed his name to that, funny ol world

UglyBolloxFace

starbelgrade wrote: »

Now that is weird.

How is that weird?
I wanted to have a record of that magnificent moment:pac:

UglyBolloxFace

brummytom wrote: »

Was it like a malicious, intentional thing or did you have an argument on the phone with a member of staff, and they changed your record to 'Cunt' and it didn't get changed back?

<snip>

UglyBolloxFace

chin_grin wrote: »

You have an unfortunate surname.

Tell me about it...worse than John Doe.

Latchy

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

Still have the original letter and corresponding letters - must root them out when I'm back in Dublin and throw them up here. Also have the recording of the original phonecall I made to the Bank.

Guaranteed audience of millions if you upload onto You Tube .

DUB777

Brilliant, I eagerly await to both see and hear this :cool:

UglyBolloxFace

Latchy wrote: »

Guaranteed audience of millions if you upload onto You Tube .

DUB777 wrote: »

Brilliant, I eagerly await to both see and hear this :cool:

As soon as I'm home I'll be uploading them.
Any way to upload audio to here (or anywhere else other than Youtube)?

Jesus Wept

Post pics of letter Mr **** Face.
Also, it would have been even better if your surname was face.

seanybiker

Excellent. I'd say the cousin had some laugh sending off the text

dj jarvis

slightly off the path but....

a petrol station in south county dublin ( sandford rd ) has a Indian bloke
working the tills , on his name tag is GEABAG :eek: and his work mate had DILBAG , now are they taking the piss or are they real indian names ??

Sisko

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

As soon as I'm home I'll be uploading them.
Any way to upload audio to here (or anywhere else other than Youtube)?

youtube is just as easy as anywhere else.

UglyBolloxFace

dj jarvis wrote: »

slightly off the path but....

a petrol station in south county dublin ( sandford rd ) has a Indian bloke
working the tills , on his name tag is GEABAG :eek: and his work mate had DILBAG , now are they taking the piss or are they real indian names ??

Haha...for Geabag it sounds like his boss is taking the piss.

"Here Sanjev, this is the only tag we have left"
"Geabag...okay, doesn't sound like my name but if, as you say, it is a traditional Irish name well then I shall wear it with pride"

ScumLord

I received an Email from a Chinese supplier today, the name of the salesperson was Mrs Juicy Yang, another ones name was Mrs Daisy Chen.

Voodoomelon

This is vaguely similar.

Years ago, my mate was selling some computer RAM on eBay. Some woman in Italy won the auction and a good few days passed and still no payment. So my mate emails her and says would you please send payment for the RAM you won.

He recieved a reply as follows:

---

Hello John.
Sorry for the delay in paying, I have been away for a few days.
I have just sent payment.
Thank you.
Alisa


f*ck

---

Thats right, a perfectly normal email, with f*ck planted down the bottom. 5 minutes later, he recieved the exact same email again, with no f*ck at the bottom. Apparently this cancels out the original offence.

Saila

I think I speak for everyone when I say

pics or GTFO

UglyBolloxFace

Saila wrote: »

I think I speak for everyone when I say

pics or GTFO

They're on the way.

dxhound2005

This one was in the news in England a while back.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-west-wales-11097516

Fukuyama

I think this entire story is made up.

You have an unhealthy obsession with genitalia on your face UglyBolloxFace.

You need help.

Cathaoirleach

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpDiZLrTHX4

Big Nasty

There's quite a few unusual names floating around in the motor trade. I've no problem posting these names as they are widely known and available on the interweb.

Michael Lyng Motors in Kilkenny, my contact was his son Neil as in 'Neil Lyng' (kneeling)!

Dude in an Opel dealership that is now closed, his name was 'Lee Cooper'!

Dude who runs the Fiat / Alfa Dealership by the Red Cow is called 'Prosper Kickham' - no sh1t!

hmmm

We were spamming.....err sending important information to Burger King shops all over Ireland. The letters were all posted to "The Manager, Burgerking xyz".

Unfortunately we only realised after we had posted the letters that we had left out the first "r" in Burgerking.

Sinfonia

I wonder if the phonecall was recorded by the bank for training purposes.

Dangerous Man

I used to work for Eircell (the company bought by Vodafone) years ago. One day, when bored, which was often, I wrote a letter to a couple of friends who had accounts with Eircell. All on official headed paper, envelopes - the works.

The letter began cordially enough, how are you, valued customer - etc. - but then became sinister, implying that Eircell were aware, through unspecified means, that said account holder was considering a switch to Esat. It then became cautionary, then aggressive, and then finally, spectacularly abusive. I signed my own name at the bottom to let the guys know that it was a joke but it had them going until they got to the end. I spoke to them about it later. They both liked the gag and admitted it had them going until they saw my name.

Orando Broom

MCMLXXV wrote: »

There's quite a few unusual names floating around in the motor trade. I've no problem posting these names as they are widely known and available on the interweb.

Michael Lyng Motors in Kilkenny, my contact was his son Neil as in 'Neil Lyng' (kneeling)!

Dude in an Opel dealership that is now closed, his name was 'Lee Cooper'!

Dude who runs the Fiat / Alfa Dealership by the Red Cow is called 'Prosper Kickham' - no sh1t!

Merlin O'Reilly, Merlin motor auctions.

http://www.tribune.ie/archive/article/2010/jul/04/the-business-interview-merlin-o-reilly-merlin-moto/

lynsalot

Came across a few ridiculous names over the years alright

Philippa Gee
Mrs Old Field Box
Gay Power
William Stroker & Mary Stroker (husband and wife)
Dick Organ
Cettlyn Johnson
Avalon Shiels - Berger
Rowan Armes

Some laugh in work over them!

mahamageehad

lynsalot wrote: »

Came across a few ridiculous names over the years alright

Philippa Gee
Mrs Old Field Box
Gay Power
William Stroker & Mary Stroker (husband and wife)
Dick Organ
Cettlyn Johnson
Avalon Shiels - Berger
Rowan Armes

Some laugh in work over them!

Ah seriously tho, their parents shouldn't be allowed name them such stupid names.

I know a Bryan O'Brien and he lives on O Brien Street. Fact. Why would someones parents do that except "for the laugh like" lol

Sisko

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

They're on the way.

lies

mahamageehad

Sisko wrote: »

lies

Shhh leave him alone, he's busy learning how to use photoshop! :P

chillywilly

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

So, as it turns out, (I found this out much later) my cousin had actually texted with my address and put the name down as "Mr. Cúnt Face". Someone in the mail room/automatic letter forming room obviously wasn't doing their job because, as the BigBossLady said to me, the system should have flagged the vulgarity. I reckon someone in the mail room saw it but let it go through for the laugh:pac:

That's gas! I actually worked in the post room of Ulster Bank in 2007! Do you know if it came from Georges Quay or Leopardstown? I definitely would have remembered something like that, I can tell you though that the letters came to the post room already in envelopes from "upstairs" and there was so many of them that we just counted and bagged them....no room for lookin' at the names, I regret it now though

Napper Hawkins

A short, skinny, chinese lad who worked in my local a few years back was called "Lo Fat".

I **** thee not.

Aoifey!

I really, really hope this is true!

UglyBolloxFace

Sisko wrote: »

lies

I'm not sad enough to 'lie' to try to impress internet strangers:rolleyes:

El Siglo

There was a fella giving a talk in QUB one day to a bunch of postgrads, his name was Dawson Stealthfox. Probably the coolest name ever.

CDfm

It is a cool story and these things happen.

I worked with a lady named Sally Conquest in London who worked in Direct Marketing.She used to get letters addressed Dear Fanny ...... she never knew who put her details in business reply cards.

Something similar happened a lady I know named Henrietta and like you she had the chuzpah to pull it off.

krudler

We have a customer called Win Success, I thought it was the name of a company when I first saw her account lol

krudler

El Siglo wrote: »

There was a fella giving a talk in QUB one day to a bunch of postgrads, his name was Dawson Stealthfox. Probably the coolest name ever.

That is indeed an awesome name. we have a family of travellers who have some utterly ridiculous names, Madonna O'Donnell is one , and Lourdes Chastity Ward is another.

Theres a guy who rings in all the time who's first name is John, but he refers to himself as Frank. and it causes utter confusion on his account. "its what people know me as" is his excuse, wtf?! its not even close to your actual name! Frank instead of Francis, or Jack instead of John, that I'll buy, but Frank instead of John?! makes no sense.

Then theres the transgender customer, although I'm not sure if he's a man becoming a woman or the other way around, as he/she has a really deep voice but a female name, so either they've had hormone treatment and not a name change yet, or the other way around.

iMax

My brother lives 30 miles away & I used to every couple of days, post him a packet of Jelly Bellys in a small parcel, just too large for the letterbox so the postman would have to knock. These were addressed to the likes of:

Liz Behan
Stew Pedasol
Yu Sok Kok
Crispen Evenn
Denis Elbow
Emma Wroid
Hugo Firsd
Ben Dover
Hugh Cumber
Warwick Hunt
Randy Neighbour
Dick Head
Harry Phanni
Betty Swollocks
& of course the obligitory Mike Hunt

Had to stop as the postman thought they were being harassed & asked them one day it they'd like to get the guards involved

misterdeeds

MCMLXXV wrote: »

There's quite a few unusual names floating around in the motor trade. I've no problem posting these names as they are widely known and available on the interweb.

Michael Lyng Motors in Kilkenny, my contact was his son Neil as in 'Neil Lyng' (kneeling)!

Dude in an Opel dealership that is now closed, his name was 'Lee Cooper'!

Dude who runs the Fiat / Alfa Dealership by the Red Cow is called 'Prosper Kickham' - no sh1t!

I used to deliver to this drapery shop in cork and ur ones name was annette curtain (a net curtain) true story

iMax

El Siglo wrote: »

There was a fella giving a talk in QUB one day to a bunch of postgrads, his name was Dawson Stealthfox. Probably the coolest name ever.

I used to work with an American (naturally) guy called "Dexter Phoenix".

He was black, tall, very fit, shaved head, this amazing deep voiced accent & was genuinely an all round fantastic guy. Women used to go weak at the knees in his presence. He was gay & whenever he told them they'd be so upset. More than one asked him for the chance to make up his mind.

UglyBolloxFace

chillywilly wrote: »

That's gas! I actually worked in the post room of Ulster Bank in 2007! Do you know if it came from Georges Quay or Leopardstown? I definitely would have remembered something like that, I can tell you though that the letters came to the post room already in envelopes from "upstairs" and there was so many of them that we just counted and bagged them....no room for lookin' at the names, I regret it now though

The subsequent letters came from the main Ulster Bank office in College Green/right beside Trinity College. Not sure about the initial letter, but as I said when I get back to Dublin, or according to some here when I become an expert with Photoshop:rolleyes::pac:, I'll upload them.

talla10

If somebody got a letter from a bank these days calling their customer a cnut they'd be looking for a lot more than a hamper!!!

Aka Ishur

Dealy with an american dude the other day. His name? ''Judge Black''

me - and what can i do for you today Mr Black?
him - Just call me Judge.

Dude sounded like samuel l jackson as well.

AckwelFoley

I predict great things for you on boards.ie uglybolloxface, great things

UglyBolloxFace

snyper wrote: »

I predict great things for you on boards.ie uglybolloxface, great things

Interesting. Please elaborate, oh Dearest Snyper.

P.S. is **that girl** still under your bed?

snooleen

Was reading Cosmopolitan once, and in the part where people write in for advice they had a gynaecologist giving advice on sexual health issues and her name was Rebecca McGee. Not 100% sure it was Rebecca but most definitely McGee..ridiculous.

UglyBolloxFace

snooleen wrote: »

Was reading Cosmopolitan once, and in the part where people write in for advice they had a gynaecologist giving advice on sexual health issues and her name was Rebecca McGee. Not 100% sure it was Rebecca but most definitely McGee..ridiculous.

I think her first name was actually Havalukka. From Hawaii apparently.

AckwelFoley

UglyBolloxFace wrote: »

Interesting. Please elaborate, oh Dearest Snyper.

P.S. is **that girl** still under your bed?

No, sold her on ebay to some lad in birmingham.

DHL.

Tip: 12 small parcels is cheaper than one big one