All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

Jellybaby1

Hmmmm! I believe your cover is blown Brens, you are really enjoying Jessica, and methinks you have a grá for the lady herself! No way in hell will I get you away from her. Do you watch Ramsay effing and blinding all over the place, or Man v Food, that guy is gonna have a heart attack one of these days with all that meat he puts away. Its hard not to drool over all those stretchers of fatty, drippy meat. I keep telling myself 'I love salad, I love salad, I love meat, I love sal.....meat meat meat! I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian one day a week. Think I'll ask the Cooking forum soon about it.

BrensBenz

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Hmmmm! I believe your cover is blown Brens, you are really enjoying Jessica, and methinks you have a grá for the lady herself!

OK, I've dumped Jessica. It would never have worked out, what with her global travels, constant requests for lifts to / from the police station, saving her family and friends from mirrdirr charges, and me whittling in my shed. Sad? Yes, but I've found a new superhero - There are ten clues below. Award yourselves a point for each one you don't need:

• He has a daily show;
• He greets each and every audience member with "Hoy Goyze", "y'olroigh? y'olroigh? y'olroigh? y'olroigh? y'olroigh? y'olroigh?
• He puts his guests at their ease by telling them that they "look terrified";
• He and his "aftercare team" solves every problem;
• Most "extra" guests storm on stage, fingers loaded and aimed, shouting " 'ow can you sit thehh sit thehh turn rand, sit thehh turn rand.....?"
• He does "all-important DNA results";
• He does "all-important lie detector results";
• He wants his guests to "look at me";
• He is always "being honest";
• He has a range of unoriginal queries, e.g. "why didn't you put something on it?"; "have you done enough?"; "what does this mean to you?"; "it's all about that child, innih?......ahhhhh!"

There is even a mystery element in every show, i.e. where the feque does he get those guests???

OldGoat

Is it DangerMouse? I love Penfold.

Jellybaby1

Is it Jeremy Kyle? I usually skim past his programme right quick! Real slime-fest that programme.

Alice1

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Is it Jeremy Kyle? I usually skim past his programme right quick! Real slime-fest that programme.

I'm with you Jelly baby - tis Jeremy Kyle.

Pulsating Star

BrensBenz wrote: »

[*]Most "extra" guests storm on stage, fingers loaded and aimed, shouting " 'ow can you sit thehh sit thehh turn rand, sit thehh turn rand.....?"

Haha, brilliant !

Ramette

Brenz
Just think you will be able to appear on mastermind and your specialist subject can be Jessica Fletcher

Chucken

So sad and yet so proud of Munster

Where are you BBDBB? My only ally

Jellybaby1

Chucken wrote: »

So sad and yet so proud of Munster

Where are you BBDBB? My only ally

I have absolutely no idea what you are referring to Chuckie, Perhap it be Ruggah or Gah? As you can see, I be ignorant of them sports!

Chucken

Oh Jelly, it was the Heineken Cup Semi final ( Rugby)

We're very passionate about our rugby in this part of the world!

Jellybaby1

Oh rugby, that's a game whereby 30 geezers run around a field with an egg shaped ball, isn't it? And football is where 20 geezers run around a field with a roundy shaped ball with two geezers trying to stop them. And golf, well, that's just any number of geezers taking a long walk and hitting a teeny tiny ball into a teeny tiny hole. Yes, I can see how yer all passionate about yer 'sports'!! (Ducks, and runs away!)

looksee

And then there is snooker, which didn't become popular until colour television for some reason

BBDBB

Chucken wrote: »

So sad and yet so proud of Munster

Where are you BBDBB? My only ally

a great day Chucken, those young lads came of age today, they saw what it meant to be Munster

ok, they lost, and we were second best for much of the game, we showed heart and commitment and gave them a real fright

our time will come:)

Chucken

My heart nearly broke to see ROG crying and hugging Paul O Connell

Ah well. At least we got that far. ahem.;)

BBDBB

I dont mind telling you, me and the sofa put in a hell of a game this afternoon

BrensBenz

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Oh rugby, that's a game whereby 30 geezers run around a field with an egg shaped ball, isn't it? And football is where 20 geezers run around a field with a roundy shaped ball with two geezers trying to stop them. And golf, well, that's just any number of geezers taking a long walk and hitting a teeny tiny ball into a teeny tiny hole. Yes, I can see how yer all passionate about yer 'sports'!! (Ducks, and runs away!)

That's it! Jessica is history and I'm officially in love with Jellybaby1.
I played a bit of rugby in my youth (but only to pee off my Gehh school) Well, "played"? I caught the ball when trun in my direction and then ran.



However, there is a lot of learning required for the 20 + 2 game, e.g.

• Learn how not to laugh at the Benny Hill shorts they all wear;
• Learn how to dive and roll around in agony when another pair of shorts takes the ball from you;
• Learn the obligatory over-head hand clap routine;
• Learn to run at the scorer so you get your face on TV;
• Learn how to make enormous knots in your tie;
• Learn that unique footbow grammatical tense that only they speak;
• Learn how to say to the interviewer that the upcoming game "will be tough innih but I fink we can do ih".

And then there's Gehh futtble:

• Mandatory man-marking, i.e. fourteen co-joined couples, two gooseberry goalies and two small men in huge white coats leaning against the goal posts;
• Mandatory GAA hair-do – cheap gel, combed forward with that last minute flick up;
• Mandatory GAA socks around their ankles. Why don’t they either pull their socks up or wear ankle socks?
• Mandatory possession of at least three names each?

And, as for golf, my Grandad, (the one who fought and died several times for the liberty of his country) was an excellent golfer, with a single figure handicap (no, not my Grannie) until his seventies. He advised me of the "proper order of events", i.e. "get born; go to school; get a job; marry a young wan; raise a family; retire; play golf; die." I promised, on my semolina pudd'n, to obey that advice.

So, JB1, want to see my shed next weekend?

BrensBenz

Janey Mac, I'm really learning something about modern life now! Not only daytime TV but have you seen

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html

It's a treasure chest of information, e.g.

• Jealous much Kim? Kendall Jenner tweets bikini snap as she soaks up the sun in Santorini after big sister says she's envious of her figure;
• Former gold medalist Bruce Jenner, 63, shows off a more wrinklier physique as he goes paddle boarding with muscular sons Brandon and Brody;
• Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult spark reconciliation rumours as they're spotted on romantic dinner date;
• Someone's excited for a day out with dad! Giddy Harper flashes a big grin as she and David Beckham step out on a stroll:
• Snapping back into shape! Peaches Geldof shows off her already slim post-baby body... just FIVE DAYS after giving birth to son Phaedra.

Never has my gob been so smacked! And this is only a sample of the vital information, available from newspapers on d'internet, which is now enriching my life. Just click on link above and you too could share in the lives of these....these....people? Oh how I wish I had done Meeja Studies instead of Latin. I could have been writing these gems instead of merely reading them.

Jellybaby1

"That's it! Jessica is history and I'm officially in love with Jellybaby1."

Oh you mad impulsive fool, you!

"So, JB1, want to see my shed next weekend? "

Why, watcha got in there chum? A few ‘oul bikes and shovels do absolutely nuttin’ fer me!!

"http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html
It's a treasure chest of information, e.g."

Smacked gobs all round – another slime fest for throwup! Don't read that stuff Brens, it will turn your water green!

OldGoat

Sneeky day off work. Woot!

Jellybaby1

OG, who let you out of your cage?

BBDBB

don't tell her about the tunnel OG

OldGoat

I bribed the student Nurse with chocolates and charm.

Alice1

OldGoat wrote: »

I bribed the student Nurse with chocolates and charm.

Oh dear, I'm sensing trouble ahead. I'm sure you were warned about harassing the student nurses.

BBDBB

As your Defence Counsel OG I advise you take the fifth on that one, its leading somewhere we dont wanna go

Jellybaby1

I didn't know you could still get those Charms sweets!

BrensBenz

Well, I got a spin in an ambulance on Thursday! Nyeh, nyeh! Although there were no neenaws or driving through red lights, the driver was making that sinister "mwaahaahaa" noise as he aimed for pedestrians. And who says ambulance men are grumpy? These two were "great gas". They even did a passable D'unbelievables act.

Apparently, I've OD'd on daytime TV and celebrity news. "Celebrity news"? Isn't that an oxy whatever, like "military intelligence"? Anyway, it's touch-and-go but the medics think cold turkey is the only way back to health. So, no more sofa-based plastic chatter shows, or "wind them up to sell ads" shows or "edge-of-seat, Merican mirrdirr" mysteries or +&"_:~#? cookery shows.

So, all youse oulwans and oulfellas, beware that black rectangle that lights up when you manage to get your grandchild to perform the seven commands on your three remotes in perfect order. It will corrode your IQ and then you'll post here in txtspk.
I'm like sooooo OMG c u l8r.

BrensBenz

Where has everybody gawn? I bet you're all out buying steam-cleaners because, thanks to daytime TV, we all now know that hot water and a mop or sponge are hazardous to health.

There are so many, previously impossible tasks that a steam cleaner makes easy, e.g. cleaning floors, windows, tiles, baths, etc., etc. See, the steam in a steam-cleaner is scientifically proven to be special. It doesn't turn back into old-fashioned hot water when it meets the (cold) dirty surface. Oh no! It retains magical, gaseous cleaning properties that hot water just can't match. AND you get a special mop I mean sub-atomic microfibre cloth that works with the magic steam to remove even the 0.1% that Dettol can't kill, i.e. the transparent, nine-legged dibbitty dibbitty or waltzing worm.

Are you a good parent? Do you look after your family as you should? Or are you a failure? A danger to your family's health and welfare? Do you just copy what your irresponsible parents did? How many horrible diseases did those parents expose you to by not using a steam-cleaner? Well, do the right thing. Buy a steam-cleaner now and all will be forgiven. See 37 daytime TV channels for details. Terms and conditions apply.

OldGoat

I did buy a power washer a couple of weeks ago. Best fun ever! OK, perhaps not the best fun ever but it's right up there with water balloons and super-soaker water pistols.

Jellybaby1

BrensBenz wrote: »

Where has everybody gawn?

Now that is a good question. They must have found somewhere else to play.

Strange you should mention ambulances and steam cleaners as (a) I've been under the surgeon's knife :eek: but as I only played a minor role I have been popping around the boards regularly since returning home, but forgot to reply to you, sorry and (b) I bought one of those hand held steam cleaners in Lidl a couple of years ago and never even opened it up. Obviously I am not the perfect wife, mother or housekeeper I thought I was! :eek::eek:

BBDBB

steam cleaners are excellent, bit of a faff, but they are brilliant on the stove and floors