Shouldnt have opened my mouth

LegacyUser · 17-02-2011 12:50pm #1

I've put myself into a bad situation and have no idea what to do about it. I have a best friend, a girl, who I have been mates with for years. I lost my job last year and she got her hours slashed to less than half so we decided that she would move in with me as it would be less rent than her apt and it would help me with mortgage. In all that time, we have both have several short term relationships with other people and there was no hassle. As we are both skint, we usually sit in weekends watch movies etc and had a laugh, she was only ever my mate and vice versa.

However, she went out three weeks ago with some girls from work on a friday and I woke up at about 930 and went downstairs to find her on the couch in a terrible state, both physically and emotionally, the guy she met seemed really nice so she went home with him and they had sex. She though he was a great guy and when she was leaving they exchanged numbers. She decided to ring him from the taxi and it turned out the number he gave her was bogus. As she was thinking back on it, a lot of what he had said started to sound fishy and she realised she had been played and that really upset her as she doesnt usually have sex with someone first time they meet. So she is sitting there hungover to bits telling me this and of course at first I was really sympathetic to her and comforted her as best I could, listened to her moan the fact that guys were all a-holes and she felt really stupid. I did what I could for her getting her tea and then eventually practically carrying her up to bed.

While she was asleep and I was sitting alone, I started thinking along lines I had never thought of before, namely that we are best of mates and I do think she is attractive but I decided to let it go for a while. So after a good sleep and some dinner later on, she was fine and the guy was quickly forgotten about. However, the next week, we were sitting in on a friday and we got talking about what happened and she made a comment that she wished guys could be more like me, a bit more considerate and not into games and crap like that. Thinking it was a good time to share my feelings I told her that I had realised I liked her that way and did she feel the same way. Well she didnt like that one little bit and it descended into an argument and she said that I was ruining things because the set up was perfect and now she felt really uncomfortable around me. The whole thing left me in tears and she went up to her room and wouldnt talk to me until the next day when she apologised for getting so angry and asked could we drop the whole thing and forget about it. Feeling very stupid I agreed but when I started to think about it, I realised I have been feeling very attracted to her for a long time but always dismissed it as being silly and put it out of my head. Now I cant put it out of my head and am being slowly driven mad about it. To make matters worse, where we were best friends before, the slightest little thing I do seems to anger her now and I reckon its only a matter of time before she moves out. We used to watch movies and tv together and have a great laugh and feelings aside, she is one of, if not, my very best friend but now it seems that I have made a complete mess of things and it has affected me severely to the point that I have trouble sleeping, find myself crying when alone and cant even get out of bed some mornings. The past two weeks has been horrible for me and I guess she isnt feeling too great either and I feel very guilty about doing that to her. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I have slowly fallen in love with her, not sure when it happened but when I think back I realise that the reason I never got serious with anyone since she moved in was because I didnt want to alienate her so only had short term flings that went nowhere.

She only ever brought one guy back to the house since she has lived here and I didnt like him, at the time, I thought I just didnt think him good enough for my friend but now I know I jealous.

I'm really confused and scared and hurt now and I guess she is feeling the same, hence all the anger. We used to sit and laugh together and just enjoy each others company, now we avoid each other a lot and dont talk so much. It now looks like I have made a terrible mistake, I told my closest male friend about it and he said he always secretly thought that me and her where meant for each other and thought we would eventually hook up. He was very sympathetic but when I asked him for an honest opinion he said he reckoned she would eventually leave because it would be too awkward now for her. I am the stage now where I am am so confused and upset and really dont know what to do. While I wish I had kept my mouth shut, I know that I would have eventually said something as I cant help how I feel. I have no clue what to do next, I have tried to talk to her about it but she doesnt want to know. I keep thinking that she is very upset as well now and I feel terrible because I have hurt someone I love dearly and hurt her badly. I am not sure if there is anything that can be done,maybe I am only posting this to try to get my thoughts out there or something?

Anyway, sorry for lenght of post, any advice would be appreciated?

muboop1 · 17-02-2011 1:38pm

Mate...

She was your substitute girlfriend.

Think about it...
You done all the couply stuff except the physical acts... more then then some couples I know.

Thats not the best scenario to be in, someone nearly always gets hurt.What you are feeling now is effectively the regret at a breakup.

My advice? Realise this is a very one-sided relationship. She gets what she wants from you, but you never get what you want from her. It cannot last.

Move out yourself if possible, distance yourself from her, and get your own girl. One you can have that same closeness with (i.e. actual relationship) and whom you can share the physical acts you desire.

grungepants · 17-02-2011 1:43pm

Are you serious!!!!

Shes angry at you!!!!????

You feel the way you feel.She should be more sensitive and understanding about this...i mean your hurting.

I feel for you.You need to explain to her that she's not being a good person.

Kiera · 17-02-2011 1:47pm

Its one of those situations where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It would have eaten you up if you had not said anything and now that you have its killing you that you have.

I know it’s a hard thing to do but try put it all behind you and rebuild your friendship. If you cant see that happening then it would probably be best if she moved out.

seamus · 17-02-2011 1:48pm

You cannot live with someone that you're in love with unless you're in a relationship.

My advice is to move out and be honest with her as to why it's happening - because you love her and you can't stay living with her if she doesn't feel the same.

There are far worse things in this world than for someone to tell you that they love you, so don't be worried about her reacting badly. The worst thing that could happen is that she will agree that it's best for you to move out.

Yes, you can both get past this and be friends again, but not in the same way and definitely not while you're living there.

17-02-2011 1:50pm

unregistered wrote: »

Anyway, sorry for lenght of post, any advice would be appreciated?

Are you ok with just being her friend? Can you live with her and never let the fact that you have strong feelings for her interfere with your relationship? If you can, then tell her that. Tell her you'd really like to go out with her, but if she's not interested, you'd still love her as a friend.

However, from reading your post, I don't think you can do that. It sounds like you will resent her everytime she goes on a date, and you'll just make yourself incredibly miserable. If that's the case, just move out. Unrequited love in close quarters is a really, really bad idea

zxcvbnm1 · 17-02-2011 1:51pm

To be honest dude, i don't think this will sort itself out over time that easily.

An option is for you to explain to her how you both feel uncomfotable and therefroe you propose you move out to give yourself an easy life.

Move out and move on is my advice.

if you remain living together you will never get out of this hole you are in.

This issue needs to be resolved.

MistyCheese · 17-02-2011 2:10pm

Well, OP, obviously don't move out of your own house as some are suggesting.

There's nothing more you can do. You've laid your cards on the table and she doesn't feel the same. You can't force her to want to be with you any more than you can force yourself to stop feeling what you feel.

You also can't control her actions so if she wants to move out that's her choice. It may be for the best as it must be hard on you to live in the same house with someone for whom you have unrequited feelings.

17-02-2011 2:15pm

MistyCheese wrote: »

Well, OP, obviously don't move out of your own house as some are suggesting.

Oops

Assumed it was a shared rental. Obviously don't move out of your own house OP, tell her you think it would be better if she moved out because of the situation

seamus · 17-02-2011 2:16pm

MistyCheese wrote: »

Well, OP, obviously don't move out of your own house as some are suggesting.

Ha! Indeed. It would best to suggest to her that she move out.

Distorted · 17-02-2011 2:20pm

Your timing was way out. A week after she had been duped by some loser into a one night stand and given a false phone number and everything, you tell her you have feelings for her. She's already in a slightly vulnerable position being your flatmate, in that she can't just walk away and avoid you until any awkwardness passes, so she's already upset and the one real platonic male friend she has then announces he wouldn't mind making a move on her too! In fact, she is probably suspicious you invited her to be your flatmate in order to make a move on her.

A gentleman would have bided his time and tested the waters more gently to see if she felt the same, in which case she could have gently let you know how she felt too. If I were her, I would move out too. In fact, she probably should, because of the way you are reacting to being turned down. Flatmates are kind of out of limits, unless you are both quite forward people and very comfortable with each other. I've twice had male flatmates make moves on me - both waited until they had moved out though!

btw she is not a bitch just because she doesn't feel the same way about you, in case some of the posters above are implying this.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2011 2:32pm

muboop1 wrote: »

Mate...

She was your substitute girlfriend.

Think about it...
You done all the couply stuff except the physical acts... more then then some couples I know.

Thats not the best scenario to be in, someone nearly always gets hurt.What you are feeling now is effectively the regret at a breakup.

My advice? Realise this is a very one-sided relationship. She gets what she wants from you, but you never get what you want from her. It cannot last.

Move out yourself if possible, distance yourself from her, and get your own girl. One you can have that same closeness with (i.e. actual relationship) and whom you can share the physical acts you desire.

Well its my house and she helps with bills and rent and stuff and I cant just kick her out, no matter how I feel she is first and foremost one of my closest friends! She isnt some sort of sponger who treats me like a fool. I have had other relationships but when I think back I always factered her into them from the start without even realising it! I reckon I have self deluded myself into thinking we were just friends, stupid of me really.

grungepants wrote: »

Are you serious!!!!

Shes angry at you!!!!????

You feel the way you feel.She should be more sensitive and understanding about this...i mean your hurting.

I feel for you.You need to explain to her that she's not being a good person.

I dont think she is not being a good person, she seems freaked out by the whole thing but yeah, I am hurting badly here, more so than I would have ever thought possible, its eating me up and dunno what to do.

Kiera wrote: »

Its one of those situations where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It would have eaten you up if you had not said anything and now that you have its killing you that you have.

I know it’s a hard thing to do but try put it all behind you and rebuild your friendship. If you cant see that happening then it would probably be best if she moved out.

Probably the best reply, I am damned if I do and damned if I dont, really messed up here, but as I said before I cant simply ask her to leave, she has been my friend a long time and it would be a really crappy thing to do asking her to leave, I'm not that type of person, I guess I am probably stupid but I just couldnt do that to her.....

seamus wrote: »

You cannot live with someone that you're in love with unless you're in a relationship.

My advice is to move out and be honest with her as to why it's happening - because you love her and you can't stay living with her if she doesn't feel the same.

There are far worse things in this world than for someone to tell you that they love you, so don't be worried about her reacting badly. The worst thing that could happen is that she will agree that it's best for you to move out.

Yes, you can both get past this and be friends again, but not in the same way and definitely not while you're living there.

Well thats it really - I think I have alienated my friend, someone who has been very important to me. I dont think I can get over that bit. I have had heartbreak before but this is different, you are supposed to have your friends for life, relationships come and go.

28064212 wrote: »

Are you ok with just being her friend? Can you live with her and never let the fact that you have strong feelings for her interfere with your relationship? If you can, then tell her that. Tell her you'd really like to go out with her, but if she's not interested, you'd still love her as a friend.

However, from reading your post, I don't think you can do that. It sounds like you will resent her everytime she goes on a date, and you'll just make yourself incredibly miserable. If that's the case, just move out. Unrequited love in close quarters is a really, really bad idea

I think you are right, I dont think I can just be her friend anymore.....

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

To be honest dude, i don't think this will sort itself out over time that easily.

An option is for you to explain to her how you both feel uncomfotable and therefroe you propose you move out to give yourself an easy life.

Move out and move on is my advice.

if you remain living together you will never get out of this hole you are in.

This issue needs to be resolved.

It does, but the only resolution is her leaving and me losing my friend. I wish I didnt feel the way I do about her, I wish I was just her mate and I met someone else and so did she and we stayed mates, but now I am really, really hurting because of this, I suppose it was inevitable but still, I cant help feeling like the worlds biggest fool. A couple of weeks ago I was relatively happy, looking backing, I obviously wasnt, but now I am at my wits end. I cant leave, I cant ask her to leave, I dont want her to leave, she doesnt want me, I want her......its a complete and utter disaster of a situation.

She cant leave because she doesnt really have anywhere else to go unless she goes and shares with strangers which I know she wouldnt do, her mother is dead and she hasnt spoken to her father in years as he is a nasty alcoholic and her sisters all live abroad. We have been here for each other and have always had each others backs. We have a lot of shared friends too and they are not too inclined to get involved cos they dont want to be seen to be taking 'sides'. I'm not really sure there is an easy answer to this, my mate said that he thinks that the only solution is if she offered to leave and whilst thats probably for the best, it still hurts to think that she wont be around and I get the feeling if she leaves I wont see her too much anymore. I know what its like to be fancied by someone I dont fancy, its not nice having to say no and upset someone. I think her anger is more a way to hide how uncomforable she is, she is not a bad person at all, she is decent and kind and considerate, thats part of the reason I like her so much. I dont even think there is any advice that anyone can give here, but I am willing to listen to anything at this stage.....

Maple · 17-02-2011 2:35pm

Bloody hell OP, she sounds hugely immature. If the events actually happened like you say they did, then she's an idiot imo.

If she doesn't feel the same way, then that's fine. She's not in love with you, you can't make her fall in love with you. But to turn around and accuse you of ruining a friendship and then refusing to talk through what is obviously an uncomfortable living arrangement for you both just smacks of immaturity, especially given your friendship.

You were brave and honest to voice how you really feel, it is so unfortunate that your feelings are not reciprocated but you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Truly.

Beruthiel · 17-02-2011 2:36pm

unregistered wrote: »

While I wish I had kept my mouth shut, I know that I would have eventually said something as I cant help how I feel. I have no clue what to do next, I have tried to talk to her about it but she doesnt want to know. I keep thinking that she is very upset as well now and I feel terrible because I have hurt someone I love dearly and hurt her badly. I am not sure if there is anything that can be done,maybe I am only posting this to try to get my thoughts out there or something?

It's better you told her.
It would have killed you to keep something like that to yourself for any length of time.
Unfortunately, she does not feel the same. Sorry buddy, that's a bummer.

You should sit her down and tell her she will have to leave because it's killing you to have to see her every day.
Living with someone you love, who doesn't love you back, will eventually eat you up inside to the point where you will think you've lost your mind.
Move her out before you get to that point.
You will feel rough for some time, but like everything else in life, it will pass.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2011 2:52pm

Distorted wrote: »

Your timing was way out. A week after she had been duped by some loser into a one night stand and given a false phone number and everything, you tell her you have feelings for her. She's already in a slightly vulnerable position being your flatmate, in that she can't just walk away and avoid you until any awkwardness passes, so she's already upset and the one real platonic male friend she has then announces he wouldn't mind making a move on her too! In fact, she is probably suspicious you invited her to be your flatmate in order to make a move on her.

A gentleman would have bided his time and tested the waters more gently to see if she felt the same, in which case she could have gently let you know how she felt too. If I were her, I would move out too. In fact, she probably should, because of the way you are reacting to being turned down. Flatmates are kind of out of limits, unless you are both quite forward people and very comfortable with each other. I've twice had male flatmates make moves on me - both waited until they had moved out though!

btw she is not a bitch just because she doesn't feel the same way about you, in case some of the posters above are implying this.

You are dead right, I shouldnt have said anything, I have no problem admitting I was way off, however, she has lived here for almost a year and has been my mate for a long time. She was the one who came up with the idea of moving in with me, so she can hardly be suspicious of my motives, I even said to her that we could end up falling out living together but it has worked out fine up until now.

As to how I am reacting, I am not showing my feelings to her at all, I am conscious that she isnt very comfortable at the moment and am certainly not going to mope around and make her feel worse than she does.

And I didnt say I wanted to 'make a move on her', I simply told her how I felt, I was sober and it was that sort of conversation. No matter how stupid and thoughtless I have been, I was certainly not trying to 'make a move' on her, I just spent a week wrestling with emotions I had suppressed for a long time and had to share them. Yeah the timing was wrong, I was selfish, but I cant help how I feel, much as I wish I do.

I have been in many situations with her where she was very upset and I comforted her by hugging her and stuff and even had her fall asleep in my arms once when she was particularly upset over something. Never once did I think anything of it, she needed support and I gave it, she never lead me on in any way and I never sought to take advantage of her, why would I, she is my friend?

I guess it true what people say though about it being very difficult for a man and woman to be friends? But you are right, she is not a bitch, I know her well enough to know that while she is hurting its because she probably thinks like me that this has ruined a brilliant friendship and I cant blame her that.

muboop1 · 17-02-2011 3:55pm

Well its my house and she helps with bills and rent and stuff and I cant just kick her out, no matter how I feel she is first and foremost one of my closest friends! She isnt some sort of sponger who treats me like a fool. I have had other relationships but when I think back I always factered her into them from the start without even realising it! I reckon I have self deluded myself into thinking we were just friends, stupid of me really.

Sorry if I came across as rude, blunt or abrupt.

I get you can't kick her out, but I don't think you should disagree with her idea of moving out. It will be for the best.

BTW, you ruined nothing. That is a selfish comment on her part. What was happening through lust etc would have eventually ruined you. Or at least been a pain in the ass... Shes just annoyed she cannot any longer have you as bf without physical aspects. She likes you and maybe even loves you, but shes not attracted to you for whatever reason.

In my experience many of the girls who say I wish all guys could be like you in fact will go for the guy most unlike you. They wish they were attracted to your type... but aren't... No shame in being who you are, some girls love "nice" guys, some don't. Meh!

However I think its best if you go your own way when you can. You gave it a shot and it didn't work. I and many here respect that. It's all you can do.

Mate you gave it your all, it didn't work out, but thats life! Move on when you can. This can only end in heartbreak for you otherwise!

I wish you well.

Chucky the tree · 17-02-2011 4:00pm

maple wrote: »

Bloody hell OP, she sounds hugely immature. If the events actually happened like you say they did, then she's an idiot imo.

If she doesn't feel the same way, then that's fine. She's not in love with you, you can't make her fall in love with you. But to turn around and accuse you of ruining a friendship and then refusing to talk through what is obviously an uncomfortable living arrangement for you both just smacks of immaturity, especially given your friendship.

You were brave and honest to voice how you really feel, it is so unfortunate that your feelings are not reciprocated but you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Truly.

Bit harsh I think. She's right about him ruining the friendship and that's what she was pissed off about. At least she apologised immediately about it the next day.

Maple · 17-02-2011 4:29pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Bit harsh I think. She's right about him ruining the friendship and that's what she was pissed off about. At least she apologised immediately about it the next day.

Maybe, but she's refused to talk about it with him since on his request. Yet from the OP's description of events they're both obviously pissed off and angry. Yes, it's an "unpleasant" conversation that they need to have but for the sake of their past friendship and his feelings then I think it's immature not to have it.

Chucky the tree · 17-02-2011 4:35pm

maple wrote: »

Maybe, but she's refused to talk about it with him since on his request. Yet from the OP's description of events they're both obviously pissed off and angry. Yes, it's an "unpleasant" conversation that they need to have but for the sake of their past friendship and his feelings then I think it's immature not to have it.

I think she is afraid to have the conversation as if they do then it will basically be friendship over and she will have to move out. Chances are by pretending it never happened she's hoping there relationship will go back to normal. I doubt it will happen, and it will all go tits up but I don't blame her for at least trying to avoid that situation for as long as possible.

Distorted · 17-02-2011 8:05pm

OP, do you not think you have realised your feelings for her now because you are living with her? Its very easy to get used to being with someone and to stop thinking about other people when they are always there to go back to. I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine, but they might be a little bit enhanced due to the situation you are both in. I would suggest you get out more, be very sociable and spend lots of time with other people until you feel better.

Wagon · 17-02-2011 9:22pm

If she was your mate, she would have taken it in, had a think, told you she doesn't feel the same and try and sort it. That would mean moving out, letting you have as much space as you need and then you could come back when you're ready and pick up the friendship where yis left off. One of my best mates I've known for years disappeared off the radar for 2 years, he got back in touch when he sorted himself out and you know what? We're still a great pair of mates today.

I think she's pissed off because she lost a shoulder to cry on. Tough shít for her, that's what her girlfriends are for. She saw you as a big brother more than a friend. That's a terrible situation most of the time for a lot of lads because we get the wrong impression.

But one thing did stand out in your post. Her reaction: arguing and then apologising and wanting to forget it ever happened, rather than dealing with it.

This might sound odd but as soon as I read it, a person I know immediately jumped into my head and I could picture her saying the exact same thing. I can in guess what kind of character your mate is like. My advice is to forget her helping with the bills and house etc... Boot her out. Tell her to move back home or something.

Stop feeling guilty though. If a friend of mine told me that she was in love with me and I didn't feel the same, I would never get angry. I can't see how anyone could. Ask yourself, what if the roles were reversed? Would you get angry? Sure you wouldn't! Your mate sounds like some ****, no offence.

Moomoo1 · 17-02-2011 11:09pm

Wagon wrote: »

Stop feeling guilty though. If a friend of mine told me that she was in love with me and I didn't feel the same, I would never get angry. I can't see how anyone could. Ask yourself, what if the roles were reversed? Would you get angry? Sure you wouldn't! Your mate sounds like some ****, no offence.

this does seem to be a very woman thing though - not being able to be friends with someone who they know has feelings for them

men don't seem to mind that nearly as much

Moomoo1 · 17-02-2011 11:11pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I think she is afraid to have the conversation as if they do then it will basically be friendship over and she will have to move out. Chances are by pretending it never happened she's hoping there relationship will go back to normal. I doubt it will happen, and it will all go tits up but I don't blame her for at least trying to avoid that situation for as long as possible.

problem is, she's not acting 'normal', she's acting irritated and distant

so if she's pretending it never happened, she's not doing it very well

Chucky the tree · 18-02-2011 12:25am

Moomoo1 wrote: »

problem is, she's not acting 'normal', she's acting irritated and distant

so if she's pretending it never happened, she's not doing it very well

Obviously she's just not a very good actor.

LegacyUser · 18-02-2011 3:43am

Hi all,
thanks for the words, a lot of good advice but a lot of harshness too. The thing is though, I can totally see her point. We have been close for a long time and did a lot of things together, I know it sounds ridiculous, but its like I couldn't see what was right in front of me.

I used to compare most women I met to her to see if they were like her and of course as they weren't, so I wasn't that interested in them. I think what really got me to thinking about me and her being together was the fact that I was so happy and comfortable around her. At lot of people might think that my feelings were somehow artificial but having only really ever loved one other girl in my life, I am quite sure I know what love is. Maybes its a stupid, idealised notion, but I reckon I would do anything for her, including not seeing her any more if it stopped her from being hurt. That's a huge part of what is really killing me about the whole thing,, the fact that I hurt someone I love. Of course I am also feeling very sorry for myself, life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses of late, money is tight, bills are mounting up and things look to get worse long before they go better, but with her around, it was manageable.

I totally reject anyone's claim that she is anything but a good person though. She has been through the mill in life and she still is a decent and kind person through and through. Sure she is probably worried because the set up suited her, why wouldn't she be? It suited me too up until now. It was stable and safe and people need that in their lives. We made dinner for each other, she fed my pets and doted on them, we talked about our troubles and our worries and we generally got on like a house on fire. Whenever I did bring women home, she was also very nice to them and tried her best to make them feel comfortable if she was there but also made sure to give us plenty of space and not intrude either.

Now, that safe little bubble has burst and who could blame her for being upset? I am bloody upset about it too! I am angry at myself and while it was inevitable, it doesn't make it any easier. I guess the only solution would be if she volunteered to move out, under no circumstances am I asking her to leave, no matter the emotional cost to myself, I'm no martyr but I could never live with myself for dumping her out either. It just wouldn't be right. I once heard that the two worse words in the English language are ''if only'' and I think that's true. If only this, if only that......if only I hadn't said anything, if only I didn't love her, if only she loved me.....you could go mad thinking that sort of thing. The fact is, I love her, she doesn't love me and there is anything that can be done for it.

I don't know what else I can do but soldier on, I know people have said it will destroy me and maybe it will, but I know for a fact that asking her to leave will destroy me, I am not a perfect person but I am loyal to a fault to my friends. No matter how I feel about her, she is and always was, first and foremost, my friend.

Angeles · 18-02-2011 9:20am

How about now sending her a link to this thread?
Show her all of your feelings on this matter, as i'm going to gather, based on the avoidance barrier you've put up, that she doesn't even know the half of it.

You don't want her to leave
It hurts you to much for her to stay
You don't want to lose a dear friend in the process
Let her see this? let her make the decision that needs to be made.

Elessar · 18-02-2011 12:00pm

unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,
thanks for the words, a lot of good advice but a lot of harshness too. The thing is though, I can totally see her point. We have been close for a long time and did a lot of things together, I know it sounds ridiculous, but its like I couldn't see what was right in front of me.

I used to compare most women I met to her to see if they were like her and of course as they weren't, so I wasn't that interested in them. I think what really got me to thinking about me and her being together was the fact that I was so happy and comfortable around her. At lot of people might think that my feelings were somehow artificial but having only really ever loved one other girl in my life, I am quite sure I know what love is. Maybes its a stupid, idealised notion, but I reckon I would do anything for her, including not seeing her any more if it stopped her from being hurt. That's a huge part of what is really killing me about the whole thing,, the fact that I hurt someone I love. Of course I am also feeling very sorry for myself, life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses of late, money is tight, bills are mounting up and things look to get worse long before they go better, but with her around, it was manageable.

I totally reject anyone's claim that she is anything but a good person though. She has been through the mill in life and she still is a decent and kind person through and through. Sure she is probably worried because the set up suited her, why wouldn't she be? It suited me too up until now. It was stable and safe and people need that in their lives. We made dinner for each other, she fed my pets and doted on them, we talked about our troubles and our worries and we generally got on like a house on fire. Whenever I did bring women home, she was also very nice to them and tried her best to make them feel comfortable if she was there but also made sure to give us plenty of space and not intrude either.

Now, that safe little bubble has burst and who could blame her for being upset? I am bloody upset about it too! I am angry at myself and while it was inevitable, it doesn't make it any easier. I guess the only solution would be if she volunteered to move out, under no circumstances am I asking her to leave, no matter the emotional cost to myself, I'm no martyr but I could never live with myself for dumping her out either. It just wouldn't be right. I once heard that the two worse words in the English language are ''if only'' and I think that's true. If only this, if only that......if only I hadn't said anything, if only I didn't love her, if only she loved me.....you could go mad thinking that sort of thing. The fact is, I love her, she doesn't love me and there is anything that can be done for it.

I don't know what else I can do but soldier on, I know people have said it will destroy me and maybe it will, but I know for a fact that asking her to leave will destroy me, I am not a perfect person but I am loyal to a fault to my friends. No matter how I feel about her, she is and always was, first and foremost, my friend.

Jesus wept :rolleyes:

You are the epitome of the stereotypical nice guy. You're cuddling up with a girl friend, being an absolute gentleman. Putting her on this gigantic pedestal where she is perfect, you are her secret white knight who will never leave her (under the guise of a loyal friend) and you won't accept any criticism because she is literally perfect and magnificent and nobody else knows her like you do. And it's all your fault that you told her how you felt and messed everything up and she is absolutely right to be angry at you and bla bla bla (I bet you agree with her on everything else too). But you will stay with her and "soldier" on because she is an angel and can do no wrong and she's you're friend and GODDAMN she is perfect.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

Listen mate. Take her down off that pedestal. You had every right to tell her how you felt, you are human too (personally I would never tell a girl how I felt about her, it's way too forward, but you had a right to do it). You are allowed to have feelings. If you didn't, it would still be eating you up. Stop forgetting about yourself at the behest of her! What about YOU?

Now she's upset and you're blaming yourself. Stop beating yourself up over it, you took a chance, that's the side the coin fell. She had no right to be angry at you - if she was such a good friend. At least she apologised. Nothing between you will ever be the same. You won't cuddle and do all the soppy things a love sick nice guy does to a girl friend who uses him for emotional support but isn't actually attracted to. And you know what? It'll be good for you.

Why would you let someone have so much power over you? Oh, that's right you're her friend and you are loyal and will take the pain because you are like her jesus christ. NEWSFLASH: You don't owe her anything and you have a right to look after yourself.

You strike me as a very insecure person. You remind me of myself in the past. I was in almost the exact situation. And you probably won't take on board anything I'm saying to you, because you have this idealised version of her in your head and nobody understands.

The best thing you can do is distance yourself from her. Move out and move home for a while, or with mates if you have to. Don't see her at all for a few months. It'll hurt like hell for a while, but gradually you'll realise she isn't actually all that and you'll smack yourself for being so whipped about her - after all she is only one woman, and there are much better women out there for you!

I feel a good counsellor can work wonders for you in this circumstance too. They help you see the wood from the trees.

But I know too that you don't want to hear any of this. I didn't. She is all you want and you don't want anything else. Unless you wise up, you'll likely continue on as you are, being overly nice to her to compensate for your perceived wrong on this "poor" girl in the vain hope you can get back to being super best friends. Then she'll meet someone else, and you'll feel twice as low as you do now. Inevitably you'll have to go through the pain of separating yourself from her - it would be best to do it now, if only to help clear your head and make you realise she isn't a goddess and you are worth more than you've thought you are these past few months.

Wagon · 18-02-2011 12:27pm

Agree with everything Elessar says. Except the "stereotypical nice guy". I think the OP is good bloke but not a pushover. He's trying to do the right thing.

And again, when it comes down to it, that's telling her to leave and getting your life back on track. I've been in a situation not dissimilar to this one. Cutting contact is the only way. In my case, the two of us never returned to being best friends again. Nor do I care. In retrospect it was a crappy friendship anyway and I'm glad it's pretty much over.

Trust me OP, a bit of distance can make you see a lot of sense.

Chinafoot · 18-02-2011 12:45pm

muboop1 wrote: »

Shes just annoyed she cannot any longer have you as bf without physical aspects. She likes you and maybe even loves you, but shes not attracted to you for whatever reason.

Wtf? You're basically accusing this girl of using the OP. Why is it so beyond the realms of possibility that she saw him as her friend. Ya know, a platonic friendship where both parties like and respect each other, enjoy spending time together but aren't sexually attracted to each other? It certainly sounds like thats what she thought she had with the OP until he decided to tell her he wants more.

Her reaction may have been extreme but the OP has moved the goalposts in a very tricky situation. They live together. That makes things much more complicated. Her head is probably melted now wondering if the only reason they had this friendship was because he wanted to get in her pants. From what the OP has said that doesn't appear to be the case but she doesn't know that. The entire nature of their friendship has changed and she's upset. Just as the OP is allowed to have his feelings, so is the flatmate.

She is allowed to not feel the same without being accused of being some sort of using bitch who has been toying with his feelings for her own gain.

OP give her a bit of time and then broach the subject with her again. If she won't talk about it then you should ask her to move out. You will drive yourself crazy trying to live with someone who you have unrequited feelings for and any chance of salvaging your friendship will be lost.

Zombrex · 18-02-2011 1:00pm

To be honest I'm amazed she is still living with you, that is beyond nuts. She should have volunteered to move out after the whole thing blew up. But she might be a bit in denial about the whole thing.

What arrangement do you have with her. Technically you are her landlord, and issues like this highlight the problems with doing that with friends. If she is paying rent or has any sort of lease agreement with you then you kicking her out might not even been an option.

I would suggest you move out, or at least suggest to her you are going to move out. That may prompt her to move out herself.

Its difficult but you need to wake up to the fact that the friendship is over. It was over when you feel in love with her. The only two options left were she would feel the same and you would become a couple, or she wouldn't and you would have to stop seeing each other.

I can appreciate her being annoyed that this is the case, but that is rather irrelevant at the moment. People fall in and out of love all the time, getting annoyed is not very productive.

Your first priority is to not be living together. Don't let your feelings for her confuse you with this, don't being like "Ah sure I can't kick her out and I can't leave" just as an excuse to keep being around her. Not having contact with her will be very difficult, but it is also the right thing to do. Anything is just fantasy.

If you genuinely can't kick her out (either because of loyalty or legal agreements) then you need to leave. Living together now simply isn't an option any more. This will be hard, you will miss her. And after that you need to end the friendship. In reality, from your point of view, the friendship is already over. She just didn't know till you told her you had feelings for her. But you need to rationally think about this, she has said no. Its over. Done. You can keep seeing her and live in a fantasy but that won't make you happy. The longer you do the longer your life is on hold. If it takes you 6 months to get over her it will take you 6 months and a day if you stay friends with her for another day, 6 months and 2 days if you stay friends with her for 2 days etc etc.

You are in limbo while you are still pretending you are friends. You took a chance, she doesn't feel the same, nothing wrong with that but time to move on. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel you did anything wrong. Happens all the time. But its done now and you have to move passed it.

josmithy · 18-02-2011 2:09pm

Elessar wrote: »

Jesus wept :rolleyes:

You are the epitome of the stereotypical nice guy. You're cuddling up with a girl friend, being an absolute gentleman. Putting her on this gigantic pedestal where she is perfect, you are her secret white knight who will never leave her (under the guise of a loyal friend) and you won't accept any criticism because she is literally perfect and magnificent and nobody else knows her like you do. And it's all your fault that you told her how you felt and messed everything up and she is absolutely right to be angry at you and bla bla bla (I bet you agree with her on everything else too). But you will stay with her and "soldier" on because she is an angel and can do no wrong and she's you're friend and GODDAMN she is perfect.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

Listen mate. Take her down off that pedestal. You had every right to tell her how you felt, you are human too (personally I would never tell a girl how I felt about her, it's way too forward, but you had a right to do it). You are allowed to have feelings. If you didn't, it would still be eating you up. Stop forgetting about yourself at the behest of her! What about YOU?

Now she's upset and you're blaming yourself. Stop beating yourself up over it, you took a chance, that's the side the coin fell. She had no right to be angry at you - if she was such a good friend. At least she apologised. Nothing between you will ever be the same. You won't cuddle and do all the soppy things a love sick nice guy does to a girl friend who uses him for emotional support but isn't actually attracted to. And you know what? It'll be good for you.

Why would you let someone have so much power over you? Oh, that's right you're her friend and you are loyal and will take the pain because you are like her jesus christ. NEWSFLASH: You don't owe her anything and you have a right to look after yourself.

You strike me as a very insecure person. You remind me of myself in the past. I was in almost the exact situation. And you probably won't take on board anything I'm saying to you, because you have this idealised version of her in your head and nobody understands.

The best thing you can do is distance yourself from her. Move out and move home for a while, or with mates if you have to. Don't see her at all for a few months. It'll hurt like hell for a while, but gradually you'll realise she isn't actually all that and you'll smack yourself for being so whipped about her - after all she is only one woman, and there are much better women out there for you!

I feel a good counsellor can work wonders for you in this circumstance too. They help you see the wood from the trees.

But I know too that you don't want to hear any of this. I didn't. She is all you want and you don't want anything else. Unless you wise up, you'll likely continue on as you are, being overly nice to her to compensate for your perceived wrong on this "poor" girl in the vain hope you can get back to being super best friends. Then she'll meet someone else, and you'll feel twice as low as you do now. Inevitably you'll have to go through the pain of separating yourself from her - it would be best to do it now, if only to help clear your head and make you realise she isn't a goddess and you are worth more than you've thought you are these past few months.

Hi Elessar, I registed because of your post, it hit me very, very hard.

Your post actually made me cry. Not because its harsh or cruel but because its true and even if I don't want to hear it, I know you are right. I am in a lot of pain right now and my last post was kinda angry. I have put her on a pedestal, she would be the perfect girl for me, but she wont ever love me the way I want her to. I cant blame her for that and maybe I shouldnt be beating myself up over it, but you have been here you say and you know that no matter what anyone says, it doesnt help. I had my heart broken once before a long time ago and it made me very wary. I havent really been able to connect with anyone since then, I have trust issues I guess? As for being insecure, I suppose I am, have had a pretty crappy year and it has left me low, have been reading up a lot of different things and it seems I might be suffering with depression?

Reading through your post was like putting a mirror in front of myself and I didn't like what I was seeing. In two weeks I have gone from being stressed and hassled to an emotional wreck. My best male mate wants me to go out with him tonight, he's pretty minted and has said he will pay for everything. I know its the right thing to do, but I am not sure if I am able to right now. The thing is, I know what I should be doing and I know what is the heathy thing to do but I am paralysed. I simply cannot kick her out. I should tell her that its a very bad situation to be in for both of us, I should tell her that I am in agony here. I know that heartache eventually goes away, but as we have so many friends in common, its not as simple as that, I will still see her, I cant change my group of friends and she will still be on the scene, obviously not as much as if she lived here. I have spent most of the week lying in bed until 1pm (still in bed right now) going crazy about the whole thing.

The best solution would be for me to somehow get the hell away from the whole thing for a while and cool off. Thats not an option though, I have no cash, nowhere to go. I am a nice guy and yes, we come last all the time. Most girls I meet are nice enough, but they don't make my heart race or any of that stuff and it doesnt last. Sometimes I am not into them, sometimes they are not into me. On balance, its more them not being into me. I suppose the question I have now is what the hell do I do to change things, I want to meet the right person of course and it seems her influence is clouding my judgement by comparing everyone to her.

Wagon wrote: »

Agree with everything Elessar says. Except the "stereotypical nice guy". I think the OP is good bloke but not a pushover. He's trying to do the right thing.

And again, when it comes down to it, that's telling her to leave and getting your life back on track. I've been in a situation not dissimilar to this one. Cutting contact is the only way. In my case, the two of us never returned to being best friends again. Nor do I care. In retrospect it was a crappy friendship anyway and I'm glad it's pretty much over.

Trust me OP, a bit of distance can make you see a lot of sense.

Thanks wagon, you're halfway right, I am not a pushover, I usually fight for what I want and am not used to lying around feeling sorry for myself. Its just its such a complex situation here. Emotional issues aside, there are a lot of other practical things to consider, such as money, shared friends and so on. There not really the issue I guess, but they are there making a bad situation even more complicated. Think how it would look like to our mates? I tell her how I feel, she says she doesnt feel the same and I kick her out? I could see me losing her and a good few of friends if I did that. Perhaps people can see that when replying?

Chinafoot wrote: »

Wtf? You're basically accusing this girl of using the OP. Why is it so beyond the realms of possibility that she saw him as her friend. Ya know, a platonic friendship where both parties like and respect each other, enjoy spending time together but aren't sexually attracted to each other? It certainly sounds like thats what she thought she had with the OP until he decided to tell her he wants more.

Her reaction may have been extreme but the OP has moved the goalposts in a very tricky situation. They live together. That makes things much more complicated. Her head is probably melted now wondering if the only reason they had this friendship was because he wanted to get in her pants. From what the OP has said that doesn't appear to be the case but she doesn't know that. The entire nature of their friendship has changed and she's upset. Just as the OP is allowed to have his feelings, so is the flatmate.

She is allowed to not feel the same without being accused of being some sort of using bitch who has been toying with his feelings for her own gain.

OP give her a bit of time and then broach the subject with her again. If she won't talk about it then you should ask her to move out. You will drive yourself crazy trying to live with someone who you have unrequited feelings for and any chance of salvaging your friendship will be lost.

Thanks chinafoot, you are also right. Known her a long time and there was never a hint of anything between us. She said to me last year when we were talking about me losing my job and her getting her hours cut that whe was struggling with her apartment and that the lease was up on it soon. She asked me what I thought about her moving in me as it made financial sense, her apartment was costing her a good bit and with two of here it would work out a lot cheaper, I have two spare rooms and splitting gas, esb and so on made things financially easier on me, so I reckoned it was a great idea. I did say that two mates living together could end up rowing a lot more than if I had a stranger rent a room, but she is as I have said, a really decent, considerate person. She pays her rent on time, she pays her share of the bills as soon as I stick them up on the fridge. Nearly everyone she has over are also my friends, bar a few work friens I dont know too well but get on well with all the same. She never makes a mess and is very respectful of my home. She doesnt go out too much nor do I because of our money situations, but we have our friends over and we have a few drinks and a laugh and enjoy ourselves. She doesnt meet guys too often, as she has told me, a quick snog is a club is the most she usually does as she is not quick to jump into bed with any random guy, hence why she was so upset about being played. We are part of a large group of friends who have know each other since our teens, we are both in our early thirties and she has been as much a mate to me as to the other lads in our group. We have always been close though, just seem to click with each other. In all the years I have known her, I have never thought about her romantically and I am sure, neither has she. So I very much doubt she thinks I had any ulterior motives especially as it was her idea. I guess spending so much time close to her, sharing stuff like a home and so on has made me fall in love with her. I realise that it was only after she moved in a few months that I started to compare her to other women. When she was telling me about how upset she was being made a fool off, my heart broke for her and it got me thinking thoughts I hadnt really considered before. She ticks all the boxes - I have the best fun with her, she makes me laugh, she has some really interesting opinions and ideas and of course I think she is really pretty. My mate reckons that I have just rolled all these things into one and came out with 'love' but I think its the real deal here. He reckons its like the script of some mindless romantic comedy, except of course without the feel good cheesy ending.

Wicknight wrote: »

To be honest I'm amazed she is still living with you, that is beyond nuts. She should have volunteered to move out after the whole thing blew up. But she might be a bit in denial about the whole thing.

What arrangement do you have with her. Technically you are her landlord, and issues like this highlight the problems with doing that with friends. If she is paying rent or has any sort of lease agreement with you then you kicking her out might not even been an option.

I would suggest you move out, or at least suggest to her you are going to move out. That may prompt her to move out herself.

Its difficult but you need to wake up to the fact that the friendship is over. It was over when you feel in love with her. The only two options left were she would feel the same and you would become a couple, or she wouldn't and you would have to stop seeing each other.

I can appreciate her being annoyed that this is the case, but that is rather irrelevant at the moment. People fall in and out of love all the time, getting annoyed is not very productive.

Your first priority is to not be living together. Don't let your feelings for her confuse you with this, don't being like "Ah sure I can't kick her out and I can't leave" just as an excuse to keep being around her. Not having contact with her will be very difficult, but it is also the right thing to do. Anything is just fantasy.

If you genuinely can't kick her out (either because of loyalty or legal agreements) then you need to leave. Living together now simply isn't an option any more. This will be hard, you will miss her. And after that you need to end the friendship. In reality, from your point of view, the friendship is already over. She just didn't know till you told her you had feelings for her. But you need to rationally think about this, she has said no. Its over. Done. You can keep seeing her and live in a fantasy but that won't make you happy. The longer you do the longer your life is on hold. If it takes you 6 months to get over her it will take you 6 months and a day if you stay friends with her for another day, 6 months and 2 days if you stay friends with her for 2 days etc etc.

You are in limbo while you are still pretending you are friends. You took a chance, she doesn't feel the same, nothing wrong with that but time to move on. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel you did anything wrong. Happens all the time. But its done now and you have to move passed it.

I guess I am just afraid really, I have no legal agreement, not that that makes a difference though, the only real solution would be her leaving of her own accord. Bar that, I am incapable of doing anything else.....whether I am being a coward or stupid or deluded is up for debate though.

Zombrex · 18-02-2011 2:44pm

josmithy wrote: »

I guess I am just afraid really, I have no legal agreement, not that that makes a difference though, the only real solution would be her leaving of her own accord. Bar that, I am incapable of doing anything else.....whether I am being a coward or stupid or deluded is up for debate though.

You aren't incapable of doing anything else. Being incapable is not the same as not wanting to.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt, but I find in these situations a bit of tough love is needed. Your instincts are to stay around her as much as possible. That will make you feel better in the short term but long term it is a disaster.

What are you going to do when she gets a boyfriend and is bringing him back to the apartment for a bit of loud sex. You will have to lie there listening to every sound thinking that should be me.

Clean break is what is needed.

Beruthiel · 18-02-2011 2:56pm

josmithy wrote: »

My best male mate wants me to go out with him tonight, he's pretty minted and has said he will pay for everything.

Throw a shirt on, a splash of aftershave and drag your arse out the door. Doesn't matter how crap you feel, do it. And if you find your mind wandering back, mentally slap yourself.

Kimia · 18-02-2011 6:49pm

Just wanted to say that I have nothing to add to Elessar's brilliant post, only OP take his advice, it's excellent.

Moomoo1 · 18-02-2011 8:54pm

Wicknight wrote: »

Its difficult but you need to wake up to the fact that the friendship is over. It was over when you feel in love with her. The only two options left were she would feel the same and you would become a couple, or she wouldn't and you would have to stop seeing each other.

This is something I very strongly disagree with

why should she stop being his friend just because he has feelings towards her?

Moomoo1 · 18-02-2011 8:56pm

Wicknight wrote: »

You aren't incapable of doing anything else. Being incapable is not the same as not wanting to.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt, but I find in these situations a bit of tough love is needed. Your instincts are to stay around her as much as possible. That will make you feel better in the short term but long term it is a disaster.

What are you going to do when she gets a boyfriend and is bringing him back to the apartment for a bit of loud sex. You will have to lie there listening to every sound thinking that should be me.

Clean break is what is needed.

for all you know he might get a gf of his own by then

OP, really the best thing to do is to go out and meet some girls. For your sake mainly: but also if she sees you with someone else she might believe that you are really over her and things may go back to normality.

Zombrex · 18-02-2011 11:33pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

why should she stop being his friend just because he has feelings towards her?

You answered your own question, because he has feelings towards her.

If she cares about him, even just as friends, she should accept that it is emotionally damaging for him to continue to see her.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

for all you know he might get a gf of his own by then

He won't if he continues contact with her, particularly if that contact is living together. He will continue to be in love with her, and it will greatly delay him getting over her. You seem to be not getting the Hes in love with her part, it is very difficult to get over someone you are seeing constantly.

vickim · 19-02-2011 12:11am

You have had a hard year, you have a lot of time on your hands, you don't go out much, you live with someone who cheers you up, is pleasant to be around and who is comforting and sweet. It would be strange for you to not think you're in love with her. But I don't think you are. I think she is just the best thing in your life at the moment. If you had a guy living with you, who did all the things I listed above, you wouldn't have a problem. It's easy to confuse platonic love and relationship love when you're dealing with the opposite sex. I mean a relationship is the best kind of friendship, but with sex, right? I'm not belittling your feelings, I just think that if you were in love with her it might have occured to you ages before now seeing as you have known her for such a long time. So that aside (and that's just my opinion so could be all wrong), what to do from here? If it was me I would think I had two options. One, I could sit her down, apologise for making her feel awkward, say I was having an emotional week and say I'm over it and she doesn't need to feel weird anymore cos everything is fine, get dressed up, go out with my rich friend and pretend to have fun until I really am. Or, two, I would sit her down, say things are obviously a bit uncomfortable now and if she felt like she had to move out I would totally understand and she shouldn't feel bad about it. Whichever option I went with, the ball would then be firmly in her court and she has to decide what happens. Also, you dont need to feel bad because you're giving her the power to decide her own fate and being as fair as you can be in the situation.
And finally, please dont feel bad for telling someone how you feel!!! We should all tell people how we feel more often!! The world would be a better place.
For yourself, if you find you are spending a lot of time dwelling on this, start walking every day listening to loud music, go for a run, walk someone's dog, hang out with little kids (they are so non-judgemental and honest they can make anyone feel better) - plan every day so you have something to look forward to and a focus other than what is happening with your friend. It's tough being out of work and you need to look after yourself. Good luck

Moomoo1 · 19-02-2011 12:39am

Wicknight wrote: »

You answered your own question, because he has feelings towards her.

If she cares about him, even just as friends, she should accept that it is emotionally damaging for him to continue to see her.

He won't if he continues contact with her, particularly if that contact is living together. He will continue to be in love with her, and it will greatly delay him getting over her. You seem to be not getting the Hes in love with her part, it is very difficult to get over someone you are seeing constantly.

sure, it's difficult. But he's a man, he should be strong and get over it - listen to his mates, get out there and find someone else. That's the _only_ cure. Might just make her jealous, among other things

.

throwing your friend out on the street because you happen to fancy her isn't particularly nice behaviour for a man. It's not like she's his ex of 7 years, she's just someone he's fallen for.

Actually, I think had she acted nice over it and said 'sorry, I don't feel anything for you' and acted as if nothing had happened, he wouldn't feel nearly as bad. In some way it's the temporary loss of her friendship that's a large part of the problem here.

Moomoo1 · 19-02-2011 12:55am

josmithy wrote: »

Its just its such a complex situation here. Emotional issues aside, there are a lot of other practical things to consider, such as money, shared friends and so on. There not really the issue I guess, but they are there making a bad situation even more complicated. Think how it would look like to our mates? I tell her how I feel, she says she doesnt feel the same and I kick her out? I could see me losing her and a good few of friends if I did that. Perhaps people can see that when replying?

You would certainly lose me in such a situation if I were your friend, yeah.

It would come across as just vengeful. With the further implication that had she agreed to sleep with you then she could stay.

But that's not even the main thing. Suppose she keeps quiet about the whole thing and moves out: what about your own conscience? You can't do this sort of thing to a friend.

Kidchameleon · 19-02-2011 9:20am

OP,

What exactly did you do wrong? You expressed your feelings for someone. That's not a crime. Reverse the roles here, would you be angry at her? There's no reason for her to be angry, there's something else going on here. Your not at fault.

King of Kings · 19-02-2011 9:58am

I read your reply and I shook my head and I wanted to shake you.

You define "nice guys finish last".
You tell her you have feelings - so what? she has no right to react as she did.
You are entitled to ask her as is anybody.
Then you feel bad about it - you need to grow a spine.

You have become what is can be called her "cuddle bitch" as in she gets all the emotional comforts of a BF off you but none of the physcial stuff. You hang on in the hope she'll love you but in reality she'll ditch you when somebody else comes along.

Nice guys don't finish last but guys with no confidence do and I'm afraid you're in that category.

You need to stop apologising and get a new tenant if she keeps her strop up.

johnnysmack · 19-02-2011 4:07pm

I just dont understand girls like that. By the sounds of it the OP and the girl were really good together, best friends, could just hang out and enjoy each others company and the OP said the girl herself made a comment that she wished guys could be more like him. So if everything is that good why doesnt the girl think the OP is good enough for her. She's found her shining knight yet doesnt want to know about it. Just doesnt make sense!

chicken fingers · 19-02-2011 4:19pm

johnnysmack wrote: »

I just dont understand girls like that. By the sounds of it the OP and the girl were really good together, best friends, could just hang out and enjoy each others company and the OP said the girl herself made a comment that she wished guys could be more like him. So if everything is that good why doesnt the girl think the OP is good enough for her. She's found her shining knight yet doesnt want to know about it. Just doesnt make sense!

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

johnnysmack · 19-02-2011 4:34pm

chicken fingers wrote: »

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

So she never had any interest in him really yet was happy to use him and you say this is quite common. Its just a terrible situation. Why would a girl do such a thing? Actually dont bother answering, for the emotional whore aspect.

Do women do this on purpose or does the situation just evolve without either person realising it?

Chinafoot · 19-02-2011 11:38pm

Where the hell are you getting g this bull**** from? Emotional whore?! Good christ. They were friends who hung out together and enjoyed each others company.

Some of these responses are disgusting and say far more about those posting than the OPs friend.

Moomoo1 · 20-02-2011 7:07am

chicken fingers wrote: »

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

he didn't know it, he only realised this in the past few months

Shouldnt have opened my mouth

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