Shouldnt have opened my mouth

Zombrex

josmithy wrote: »

I guess I am just afraid really, I have no legal agreement, not that that makes a difference though, the only real solution would be her leaving of her own accord. Bar that, I am incapable of doing anything else.....whether I am being a coward or stupid or deluded is up for debate though.

You aren't incapable of doing anything else. Being incapable is not the same as not wanting to.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt, but I find in these situations a bit of tough love is needed. Your instincts are to stay around her as much as possible. That will make you feel better in the short term but long term it is a disaster.

What are you going to do when she gets a boyfriend and is bringing him back to the apartment for a bit of loud sex. You will have to lie there listening to every sound thinking that should be me.

Clean break is what is needed.

Beruthiel

josmithy wrote: »

My best male mate wants me to go out with him tonight, he's pretty minted and has said he will pay for everything.

Throw a shirt on, a splash of aftershave and drag your arse out the door. Doesn't matter how crap you feel, do it. And if you find your mind wandering back, mentally slap yourself.

Kimia

Just wanted to say that I have nothing to add to Elessar's brilliant post, only OP take his advice, it's excellent.

Moomoo1

Wicknight wrote: »

Its difficult but you need to wake up to the fact that the friendship is over. It was over when you feel in love with her. The only two options left were she would feel the same and you would become a couple, or she wouldn't and you would have to stop seeing each other.

This is something I very strongly disagree with

why should she stop being his friend just because he has feelings towards her?

Moomoo1

Wicknight wrote: »

You aren't incapable of doing anything else. Being incapable is not the same as not wanting to.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt, but I find in these situations a bit of tough love is needed. Your instincts are to stay around her as much as possible. That will make you feel better in the short term but long term it is a disaster.

What are you going to do when she gets a boyfriend and is bringing him back to the apartment for a bit of loud sex. You will have to lie there listening to every sound thinking that should be me.

Clean break is what is needed.

for all you know he might get a gf of his own by then

OP, really the best thing to do is to go out and meet some girls. For your sake mainly: but also if she sees you with someone else she might believe that you are really over her and things may go back to normality.

Zombrex

Moomoo1 wrote: »

why should she stop being his friend just because he has feelings towards her?

You answered your own question, because he has feelings towards her.

If she cares about him, even just as friends, she should accept that it is emotionally damaging for him to continue to see her.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

for all you know he might get a gf of his own by then

He won't if he continues contact with her, particularly if that contact is living together. He will continue to be in love with her, and it will greatly delay him getting over her. You seem to be not getting the Hes in love with her part, it is very difficult to get over someone you are seeing constantly.

vickim

You have had a hard year, you have a lot of time on your hands, you don't go out much, you live with someone who cheers you up, is pleasant to be around and who is comforting and sweet. It would be strange for you to not think you're in love with her. But I don't think you are. I think she is just the best thing in your life at the moment. If you had a guy living with you, who did all the things I listed above, you wouldn't have a problem. It's easy to confuse platonic love and relationship love when you're dealing with the opposite sex. I mean a relationship is the best kind of friendship, but with sex, right? I'm not belittling your feelings, I just think that if you were in love with her it might have occured to you ages before now seeing as you have known her for such a long time. So that aside (and that's just my opinion so could be all wrong), what to do from here? If it was me I would think I had two options. One, I could sit her down, apologise for making her feel awkward, say I was having an emotional week and say I'm over it and she doesn't need to feel weird anymore cos everything is fine, get dressed up, go out with my rich friend and pretend to have fun until I really am. Or, two, I would sit her down, say things are obviously a bit uncomfortable now and if she felt like she had to move out I would totally understand and she shouldn't feel bad about it. Whichever option I went with, the ball would then be firmly in her court and she has to decide what happens. Also, you dont need to feel bad because you're giving her the power to decide her own fate and being as fair as you can be in the situation.
And finally, please dont feel bad for telling someone how you feel!!! We should all tell people how we feel more often!! The world would be a better place.
For yourself, if you find you are spending a lot of time dwelling on this, start walking every day listening to loud music, go for a run, walk someone's dog, hang out with little kids (they are so non-judgemental and honest they can make anyone feel better) - plan every day so you have something to look forward to and a focus other than what is happening with your friend. It's tough being out of work and you need to look after yourself. Good luck

Moomoo1

Wicknight wrote: »

You answered your own question, because he has feelings towards her.

If she cares about him, even just as friends, she should accept that it is emotionally damaging for him to continue to see her.



He won't if he continues contact with her, particularly if that contact is living together. He will continue to be in love with her, and it will greatly delay him getting over her. You seem to be not getting the Hes in love with her part, it is very difficult to get over someone you are seeing constantly.

sure, it's difficult. But he's a man, he should be strong and get over it - listen to his mates, get out there and find someone else. That's the _only_ cure. Might just make her jealous, among other things .

throwing your friend out on the street because you happen to fancy her isn't particularly nice behaviour for a man. It's not like she's his ex of 7 years, she's just someone he's fallen for.

Actually, I think had she acted nice over it and said 'sorry, I don't feel anything for you' and acted as if nothing had happened, he wouldn't feel nearly as bad. In some way it's the temporary loss of her friendship that's a large part of the problem here.

Moomoo1

josmithy wrote: »

Its just its such a complex situation here. Emotional issues aside, there are a lot of other practical things to consider, such as money, shared friends and so on. There not really the issue I guess, but they are there making a bad situation even more complicated. Think how it would look like to our mates? I tell her how I feel, she says she doesnt feel the same and I kick her out? I could see me losing her and a good few of friends if I did that. Perhaps people can see that when replying?

You would certainly lose me in such a situation if I were your friend, yeah.

It would come across as just vengeful. With the further implication that had she agreed to sleep with you then she could stay.

But that's not even the main thing. Suppose she keeps quiet about the whole thing and moves out: what about your own conscience? You can't do this sort of thing to a friend.

Kidchameleon

OP,

What exactly did you do wrong? You expressed your feelings for someone. That's not a crime. Reverse the roles here, would you be angry at her? There's no reason for her to be angry, there's something else going on here. Your not at fault.

King of Kings

I read your reply and I shook my head and I wanted to shake you.

You define "nice guys finish last".
You tell her you have feelings - so what? she has no right to react as she did.
You are entitled to ask her as is anybody.
Then you feel bad about it - you need to grow a spine.

You have become what is can be called her "cuddle bitch" as in she gets all the emotional comforts of a BF off you but none of the physcial stuff. You hang on in the hope she'll love you but in reality she'll ditch you when somebody else comes along.

Nice guys don't finish last but guys with no confidence do and I'm afraid you're in that category.

You need to stop apologising and get a new tenant if she keeps her strop up.

johnnysmack

I just dont understand girls like that. By the sounds of it the OP and the girl were really good together, best friends, could just hang out and enjoy each others company and the OP said the girl herself made a comment that she wished guys could be more like him. So if everything is that good why doesnt the girl think the OP is good enough for her. She's found her shining knight yet doesnt want to know about it. Just doesnt make sense!

chicken fingers

johnnysmack wrote: »

I just dont understand girls like that. By the sounds of it the OP and the girl were really good together, best friends, could just hang out and enjoy each others company and the OP said the girl herself made a comment that she wished guys could be more like him. So if everything is that good why doesnt the girl think the OP is good enough for her. She's found her shining knight yet doesnt want to know about it. Just doesnt make sense!

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

johnnysmack

chicken fingers wrote: »

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

So she never had any interest in him really yet was happy to use him and you say this is quite common. Its just a terrible situation. Why would a girl do such a thing? Actually dont bother answering, for the emotional whore aspect.

Do women do this on purpose or does the situation just evolve without either person realising it?

Chinafoot

Where the hell are you getting g this bull**** from? Emotional whore?! Good christ. They were friends who hung out together and enjoyed each others company.

Some of these responses are disgusting and say far more about those posting than the OPs friend.

Moomoo1

chicken fingers wrote: »

No. The OP always knew he fancied the girl and she almost certainly knew too. She was just happy to have him for the "emotional whore" aspect.

It was just when he put his feelings out in the open she could no longer pretend its a non-issue.
Trust me, she knew you had feelings for her all along, this is quite a common thing.

he didn't know it, he only realised this in the past few months