What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

Last week I found myself going towards Limerick, I should have been going to Dublin!

dancesatnight

shat my self trying to squeeze out a fart in the car on the way to work. then had to tell my boss id be a half an hour late because ive hd an accident

DeanAustin

A few years ago in the bad snow, I was coming out of my apartment complex in the car hoping I wouldn't have to stop coz I might not get going again. There was a car stopped at the exit of the car park who I pulled up behind and waited for him to go. ****e I thought. He then signalled that he wasn't going anywhere and wanted me to go around him.

I tried and the car wouldn't move. Yer man could see I was in trouble and got out and tried giving me a push. I put my foot down and the car wouldn't move. F**k, this was just what I feared would happen. Yer man went round to the front of the car to push me back the way. I put the car in reverse...still no luck. Yer man was giving it loads and the car just wouldn't move. So he went round the back and he tried again. Foot to the floor, yer man giving it socks pushing the car. Wouldn't f**king move.

I then looked down and realised I had the handbrake on. Quickly released it, put the foot down and got out of Dodge.

If yer man is reading this...I'm sorry for being a complete tool.

jaxdasher

Gf asked me ring her on her mobile. Rang her and it went to busy immediately, then my phone alerted me about an incoming call. Hung up and the call stopped too. Thinking my GF is probably calling me at the same time. Tried more times and same thing. Getting pissed of at this stage so I dramatically said her number while typing it and realized I was reciting my own bleeding number.

mutley18

Was on a massive bender one night and blacked out. Next thing I know I am stood outside my flat wearing a tiger print onesie (complete with tail) that was given to me as a joke by my little sister. (I will just point out I am 6 foot 4 and male, picture that)

So I have a wee "what am I like" giggle to myself and proceed to go inside to hit the sack as it is 4am. Low and behold the door is locked, so I check my pockets for the key, oh wait this onesie doesn't have any pockets!

When I go out drinking I always fear losing my key so I usually stick it in my sock or shoe to be safe, so I assume it must be there as I am wearing my shoes, so I take off my shoes shake them and turn them upside down but nope, nothing there. Then I unzip the onesie and reach in to the feet to check there and also nope, nothing there either.

My friend who I was out with lands back a while later and I pray that I gave him a key to let himself in but of course not, that would be too easy. So the only thing for it is to go and stay at his house. (he still lives at home) He doesn't have enough money for a taxi so the only option is to phone his father to come get us (we were 24 and 25 at the time)

Next morning it's 10am, I am sitting at his kitchen table with his family eating breakfast with the worst hangover ever wearing a fcuking tiger print onesie and just wanting to die, he then leaves me home. I phoned the landlord and got him to leave the spare key out on my car under the wiper blade.

Now I am back in the flat still wishing death upon myself and vowing never to drink again. Can't find the key anywhere. Give up searching after a while and decide to chill out on the sofa watching TV. Then a lightbulb in my head comes on, I run to the bedroom grab the shoes I had on me, lift the sole inside and what is staring up at me? Yes the fcuking key. I HAD IT ON ME THE WHOLE TIME.

Poo Fingers

Rode down to the town, locked up my bike then done some shopping.

When I got home I realised I'd walked back and left my bike locked up down the town.

wobzilla1

Poo Fingers wrote: »

Rode down to the town, locked up my bike then done some shopping.

When I got home I realised I'd walked back and left my bike locked up down the town.

Yeah, I did that with my dog one afternoon. Remembered him about 6 hours later and legged it down. He was still sitting there.

dorkacle

When I was very young and on holidays with my family in Lanzarote, we went up to some famous architects home in the volcano. (I should really google it to find out, would love to go back and see it now, particularly considering I'd appreciate it a lot more now.)

Anyways, at one part there is this natural pond/lake where a bread of blind crab (as far as I remember) that are exclusive to this area in the world.

The tour guide is telling us all about it, explaining how that even the slightest introduction of outside contaminants or material can seriously harm the crabs.

Me like a big dope goes down to the side of the pond/lake (as you are allowed to do) and with the water being so clear walks right into and falls into the water....:o my parents were mortified :pac:

Seachmall

wobzilla1 wrote: »

Yeah, I did that with my dog one afternoon. Remembered him about 6 hours later and legged it down. He was still sitting there.

Dogs are a loyal and patient bunch alright.

dorkacle

Another one,

My mate bought a new car, his first car so it was a big deal for him.

I decided to drive down to him myself, got him an air fresher for it on the way just to give him something.

Anyways, he decides to give his car a clean and I said I'd help.

Cleaning for about 15/20 mins and I say sure lets stick the radio on.

He throws me the keys and I stick my arm in to turn on the ignition.

Unbeknownst to me, his dad left it in gear because his driveway has an incline from the road down to the house.

So I turns the key and his new car jumps forward, (missing the wall of the house by inches) and smashing into the window of the front room where his mam had been sitting having a cup of tea!

Embarrassed wasn't the word! Felt like throwing my self in front of the next car that came down the road!

Look back at it now though and its a funny story to tell

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Me ex and her friend are gone on holiday together for a week. She asked me could I drop them to the airport on my way to work so I said no problem, it's on the way.

I was with this girl for a good few years, probably fair to say she never wanted to break up and quite possibly would get back with me.

As we were approaching the M1 that Taylor Swift song came on "we are never, ever getting back together"

"oh catchy tune" sez I, hiring the volume. The conversation had been flowing up to that point, she stared at me for a couple of seconds, then turned and stared out the passenger window, didn't speak another word the whole way. Her friend shut up too, and when we reached the airport they just hopped out, didn't say thanks, or bye!

markomuscle

a few months after i passed my driving test I was wearing my brothers oversized shoes whilst driving, they don't have much grip when it's wet and so when I was driving around a car park I drove into another car, in northern ireland you get paid for every week you go into school for A-Levels and I lost an entire years worth of the money i had saved up as i obviously had to pay the repairs.

lukesmom

markomuscle wrote: »

a few months after i passed my driving test I was wearing my brothers oversized shoes whilst driving, they don't have much grip when it's wet and so when I was driving around a car park I drove into another car, in northern ireland you get paid for every week you go into school for A-Levels and I lost an entire years worth of the money i had saved up as i obviously had to pay the repairs.

Seriously do you actually get paid to go to school in The North ??? Jesus it's not that rough is it?????

markomuscle

lukesmom wrote: »

Seriously do you actually get paid to go to school in The North ??? Jesus it's not that rough is it?????

i don't know if it's still the case, a i left a couple of years ago, it's called EMA. It was unfair, if your parents had average jobs you just got £10 a week and if your parents were on the dole you got £30 a week.

lukesmom

markomuscle wrote: »

i don't know if it's still the case, a i left a couple of years ago, it's called EMA. It was unfair, if your parents had average jobs you just got £10 a week and if your parents were on the dole you got £30 a week.

Well us southerners seriously lost out in that regard. Got nothing for doing the leaving cert, except prayers.

markomuscle

lukesmom wrote: »

Well us southerners seriously lost out in that regard. Got nothing for doing the leaving cert, except prayers.

i forgot to mention that you also got a £100 bonus at christmas and june if your attendance was good:)

Andrewf20

Sitting on my dinner. : (

Dinner in 1 hand, phone in the other. Have to grab a pen, put dinner / plate on couch. Forget its there. 20 seconds later after scribbling notes I go to sit down while still on the phone, BOOOOM.

Andrea B.

Texted my boss saying I would not be in due to illness and texted the oilman to ask for best price for 1000 ltrs kerosene.
Got a text back a few hours later from oilman asking aqs to why was I telling him I was ill!

Needless to say, boss did not come back to me with an offer on kerosene.

meemeemee

Signed up to a variety of chat forums. Go on thank me !

Not me, but...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-25134289
A Newport man has been searching a landfill site in south Wales hoping to find a computer hard drive he threw away which is now worth over £4m.
James Howells's hard drive contains 7,500 bitcoins - which is a virtual form of currency for use online.
It had sat in a drawer for years and he had forgotten it contained the bitcoins, which he obtained in 2009 for almost nothing, when he threw it out.
But this week, a single bitcoin's value hit $1,000 (£613) for the first time.
It means Mr Howells's collection is now worth $7.5m (£4.6m).
A few years ago Mr Howells, who works in IT, had dismantled his computer after spilling a drink on it.

loveBBhate

Whoever resurrected this thread, thank you have never seen it before and two or three pages in and it's hilarious! best thing about oldish threads like these is you know which posts to read going by how many times it was thanked

Napper Hawkins

FatherLen wrote: »

I check my 'mirrors' when walking. I always feel like such a moron.

I'd keep it up, plenty of folks out there who seem permanently oblivious to everything within a 5 foot radius of themselves.