What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

IK09

Last week i spent 15mins looking for the ketchup that was holding all along

Boo2112

Was on the way home from college one weekend, got off in the station and felt like I was missing something. Went through the usual keys, phone, fags etc. routine and they were all there so I said I must have been imagining it.

Then I watched as the bus pulled out of ennis station en route to cork with my suitcase in the bottom. Laptop and everything in it. D'oh!

TheBrinch

About 7 or 8 years ago, while i was in secondary school, it snowed during our Junior Cert mock exams.

My mate thought he was mad smart and decided to ditch the exam to go play in the snow...alone.

We come out of the exam 2 hours later to find he slipped on dog crap and ended up breaking his leg. Karma's a right b*tch!

beano345

lit a black cat banger in my mouth one night full as fcuk lucky it blew outwards and just left me with a stunned head and ringing ears!

lukesmom

Left the shop after getting a few bits n pieces. Was feeling pretty damn good after just having my hair done and glided over to my car. Got in and stuck my key in the ignition and tried to start it. Wouldn't start so kept trying until I eventually got out of the car and shook my head in disbelief. Looked at the car beside it and realised they were identical. Owners of the car were outside looking at me. And a van with 2 lads in it crying laughing at me. I was so embarrassed.

WhatNowForUs?

Going past Trinity College I looked up into the mirror to pass somebody out. The problem was I was walking and not driving.

chuckster

years ago working in the bank myself & my friend were put in charge of sorting and franking the post. Needless to say it was SO boring so we decided to try frank my friends lovely long blonde hair (thinkin that it would just come out with a red stamp on it). Never occured to us this might go wrong... next of all the machine sucked in her hair up to her scalp... I was crying with laughter/panic... ripped the plug out... had to get her hidden before the manager could see her carried the machine (with her still attached) to the supply cupboard and hid her inside. Calmed down enough to go get a scissors... ended up having to cut a massive chunk of hair off.

she got a few strange looks when she sat back down at her desk with a swollen bald patch but she just kept a straight face and never admitted it to anyone.

There was hair coming out of the franking machine for days and we just pretended to be as perplexed as everyone else!

IK09

beano345 wrote: »

lit a black cat banger in my mouth one night full as fcuk lucky it blew outwards and just left me with a stunned head and ringing ears!

This is one of the most retarded things i have ever heard

mattjack

chuckster wrote: »

years ago working in the bank myself & my friend were put in charge of sorting and franking the post. Needless to say it was SO boring so we decided to try frank my friends lovely long blonde hair (thinkin that it would just come out with a red stamp on it). Never occured to us this might go wrong... next of all the machine sucked in her hair up to her scalp... I was crying with laughter/panic... ripped the plug out... had to get her hidden before the manager could see her carried the machine (with her still attached) to the supply cupboard and hid her inside. Calmed down enough to go get a scissors... ended up having to cut a massive chunk of hair off.

she got a few strange looks when she sat back down at her desk with a swollen bald patch but she just kept a straight face and never admitted it to anyone.

There was hair coming out of the franking machine for days and we just pretended to be as perplexed as everyone else!

That post brightens up a miserable wet morning ...:pac::pac:

Rubberlegs

I was lying in bed one morning, and heard one of the kids calling " Mam, Mam!" Half asleep I called back " What?:mad:". No reply. I dozed off again, to have the same thing happen again. And again.
I stormed out of bed, and looked into their rooms. Both of them were still fast asleep. I got back into bed, and a few minutes later it's " Mam, Mam!" again. It was then I realised it was a bloody great crow on a wire, outside the bedroom window:o

gnfnrhead

beano345 wrote: »

lit a black cat banger in my mouth one night full as fcuk lucky it blew outwards and just left me with a stunned head and ringing ears!

Based on the thread title, I think we have a winner :pac:

DanielSwords

Was at an underage disco when I was 15. Came out and realised my mother who was collecting me wasn't there yet. After 15 minutes seen the familiar red Suzuki swift, jumped in and said "you're ****ing late ma!". As it turned out it wasn't her and was just some other unfortunate mother in a red swift.

the_monkey

IK09 wrote: »

This is one of the most retarded things i have ever heard

couldn't have been like one of the black cats we used to use ...

they were like mini sticks of dynamite..

wobzilla1

When I was in my teens, I used to smoke a lot of Hash but had stopped doing it for years.
2 years ago I had just started going out with a girl and was trying to woo her.
I decided to cook up a lovely paella with chicken, prawns, chorizo and mussels. I spent loads on the ingredients (****ing saffron) and hours preparing it. Anyway I decided we should have a few joints as well and got myself a bag of weed (never had weed before, only hash). She went to the shop to get a bottle of wine while I cooked the paella. I stuck three skins together while I was waiting for her but had no idea how much weed to use in a joint. I ended up making a 3 skinner that was about 60% weed. She met some friend or something in the shop so she was taking longer than expected so I lit the joint myself and ended up smoking it.
About twenty minutes later she came in to find me passed out upstairs and a big pan of burning paella in the kitchen.
I ended up sleeping for a few hours while she was left alone downstairs. It was her first time in my house too.
Didn't turn out too bad though as she's still with me.



When I was younger, for some reason I decided to blow air up my nose with an empty spud-gun. After doing about 10 times a piece of potato that was obviously lodged in it came free and shot way up my nose. It took hours and about five facecloths full of blood before my mother got it down.

Pumpkinseeds

A neighbour of ours died, we didn't know them but because they lived so close to us we felt we should go to the removal as neither of us could get to the funeral. Anyway we'd never been to this funeral home or seen a corpse up close before. So in we went and tried to ignore the open coffin.

If we'd thought it through we would have let someone go in ahead of us and watched what they did, but of course that's not what we did. The way that the funeral home is layed out it looked like people where just sitting on a long sofa waiting for the removal. After shaking hands with a few people I began to sit down, fortunately just at that moment someone passed ahead of me and offered their condolonces to the person I was about to sit next to. So I'd almost plonked my bum down amongst the mourning family.:o:o:o

mattjack

wobzilla1 wrote: »

When I was in my teens, I used to smoke a lot of Hash but had stopped doing it for years.
2 years ago I had just started going out with a girl and was trying to woo her.
I decided to cook up a lovely paella with chicken, prawns, chorizo and mussels. I spent loads on the ingredients (****ing saffron) and hours preparing it. Anyway I decided we should have a few joints as well and got myself a bag of weed (never had weed before, only hash). She went to the shop to get a bottle of wine while I cooked the paella. I stuck three skins together while I was waiting for her but had no idea how much weed to use in a joint. I ended up making a 3 skinner that was about 60% weed. She met some friend or something in the shop so she was taking longer than expected so I lit the joint myself and ended up smoking it.
About twenty minutes later she came in to find me passed out upstairs and a big pan of burning paella in the kitchen.
I ended up sleeping for a few hours while she was left alone downstairs. It was her first time in my house too.
Didn't turn out too bad though as she's still with me.



When I was younger, for some reason I decided to blow air up my nose with an empty spud-gun. After doing about 10 times a piece of potato that was obviously lodged in it came free and shot way up my nose. It took hours and about five facecloths full of blood before my mother got it down.

Does the girl from the paella incident know about the "spud gun" moment ?

wobzilla1

mattjack wrote: »

Does the girl from the paella incident know about the "spud gun" moment ?

No, but she's seen me do other retarded things.
one night I spilled some beer on my t-shirt and thought it would be a good idea to dry it using a lighter.

cantdecide

We had a forklift basket at work. One time we had an electrician in our yard who was upgrading the floodlights for the whole mainly empty industrial estate. This involved hoisting him up and leaving him at each lamp for maybe half an hour at a time.... then I went to lunch..... then after lunch I was sent on an errand...

Over an hour later I arrived back and had a moment of clarity as I thought 'right, back to work- where's that forkli....'.

His face, man! I'll never forget the look on his face as I lowered the forklift He said he'd been shouting and roaring and no one came. There was never even phone reception out there.

rox5

Had no dishwasher tablets, so I put washing liquid in the dishwasher instead.

Jayzuz, the amount of bubbles that seeped out......:o

myfriendtom

Ever seen that Gillette Shaving cream in the Hair Gel-esq tube?
Well, a friend of mine has it in his bathroom and you wouldn't believe how many people have lathered up and put it in their hair. I've done it three times, at least, even though I should know by now! Always funny when someone goes to the bathroom just before heading out; they always go for a cheeky restyle

Mocha Joe

Regularly say thanks when putting change in a homeless person's cup. Just out of habit. Can't stop it.

leddpipe

I regularly try and open or lock the front door with my car key bleeper

fasttalkerchat

the_monkey wrote: »

couldn't have been like one of the black cats we used to use ...

they were like mini sticks of dynamite..

There is a UK company making them now. Nothing like the banned ones.

hardCopy

rox5 wrote: »

Had no dishwasher tablets, so I put washing liquid in the dishwasher instead.

Jayzuz, the amount of bubbles that seeped out......:o

Foam party in the kitchen!

A friend of mine managed to trip a circuit breaker doing that. The same weekend he blew the trip again trying to hoover up a a broken wine bottle, wine and all.

hardCopy

WhatNowForUs? wrote: »

Going past Trinity College I looked up into the mirror to pass somebody out. The problem was I was walking and not driving.

When my motorbike was out of action I had to cycle to college for a week, used to check my phantom mirrors and thumb the indicator switch at every turn.

FatherLen

hardCopy wrote: »

When my motorbike was out of action I had to cycle to college for a week, used to check my phantom mirrors and thumb the indicator switch at every turn.

I check my 'mirrors' when walking. I always feel like such a moron.

discus

FatherLen wrote: »

I check my 'mirrors' when walking. I always feel like such a moron.

I do too, but I don't like when I bumble into someones way. I reckon it's courteous!

FTA69

My third night in London I got absolutely mangled during a day session and spent over an hour trying to tune in RTE 1 before I realised I didn't live in Ireland anymore.

Lisha

hardCopy wrote: »

Foam party in the kitchen!

A friend of mine managed to trip a circuit breaker doing that. The same weekend he blew the trip again trying to hoover up a a broken wine bottle, wine and all.

He's a bright lad alright I'd say



Yrs ago put wash up liquid in dishwasher . Parents were on hols. It took every towel and sheet to soak up mess.
Mam commented when she came home that kitchen floor was never so clean .

Mariasofia

I arrived work this morning, turned to get my bag on the back seat to be greeted by my young fella sitting there with a smile on his face. I was so busy singing along to the radio in my own little world that I had driven straight past his school. Cue a hasty retreat back along the road........