What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

danslevent

My friends and I have done so many retarded things over years!

Once my friend got absolutely hammered and then thought it would be a great idea to also take some valium. He then became literally paraplegic, rolling around the floor somehow managing to get tangled in his own limbs. He even grabbed his glasses and threw them across the room, yelling calling them "CRUTCHES!" and "FACE FURNITURE!" Sadly, he made me delete the video but by God, it was hilarious.

When I drink I become such an idiot but my most retarded thing that springs to mind was sadly, when I was stone cold sober and about 3 or 4 I think. I don't remember this but Mam told me that one day she was in the kitchen and she could hear me yelling "BEE! BEE!" from outside. She thought it was my sister, Breeda, messing with me or something but when she came out I was covered head to toe in ants. She said they were crawling all over me and I had to be hosed off. I was saying "BEE!" because I thought ants were bees.

ger-h

Great thread OP, some great stories here

I have one. It was during my college summer exams.
I was staying up all night to get a load of cramming in. About 4.30 I start to fall asleep so decide to go to tesco to get a bottle of coke to keep me up. It was during the time Obama was visiting.
So im driving along and a gaurd stops me and asks me where i was going. Half asleep, with a face as white as a ghost/big red eyes, I answer "to get some coke man I cant sleep...." He cut me off there. "step out of the car"
Im a provional driver and i didn't have a full liscence driver with me so i thought it was coz of that.
While i had my hands on the bonnet, (with him looking in my car) I said **** like "as if I'm the only one who does it, give me a break" "this is a bit over the top isn't it!?"
Then it hit me. Why couldn't I have said I'm going to get redbull, anything but coke.

kearney13

I managed to stick my finger under a lawnmower lowering the wheels.... don't know how I managed this one. I got 10 stitches and a retarded looking finger for the rest off my life :P

One night full up on buckfast in the winter me and few friends decided to go running and skidding on the ice was great fun until I landed extremely hard on my arse and got a nose bleed was weird. First night in college and first night with new roommates were greated to me butt naked on the floor never drank a full bottle of vodka to myself after that. Most retarded thing I have ever done was when I drank some poitin and went down to the pub for a few pints, night passed by and I refused to leave the pub because I was convinced I passed out in bed at home and I was dreaming I was back in the pub weirdest experience I ever went thru no wonder the stuff is illegal :P

Twee.

Was putting up the Christmas tree a few years ago and decided it should go in a corner where there was currently a table and lamp. Unplugged the lamp and lifted the table up. The lamp was about to slip off the table as I carried. So I stopped it. With my chin. It was still very hot. Had a big burn/scab on my chin for the Christmas break

When I was about 4 I was washing my hands in the bathroom with a bar of soap. A sliver of it came off and got stuck to my thumb and I couldn't get it off. So I shaved it off with my dad's razor :rolleyes: Lots of blood!

Optimum

Easily the most retarded thing I done was during first year at Dit(1997-98) ,I used to live in rathmines.
Ended up at traffic light ball along the quays somewhere (think it was usi bar/ club) very drunk, heading home decided to cut through trinity college as it had to be a short cut.. an hour or so later after walking around I didn't have a clue where I was, so decided to cut my losses and climb the external fence, I found a suitable spot to shimmy up the edge of a wall and found my self straddling a 12 foot high fence with spikes.
This was the first time that it crossed my mind that I'm no spiderman and this may have not been the correct course of action. I could not physically lift my left leg over the fence and my arms were getting tired of holding me up off the spikes so I just leaned my body weight on to the street side and pulled my leg over the spike,
First the spike cut open my jeans, then sliced open a hole in my leg, managed to pull leg up and over a little bit but yet again the spike got me again, and insult to injury as I struggled some more stabbed me for the third time.

But all was ok, I was over the fence, granted jeans ripped from crotch to knee and blood running down leg from three gashes. But still alive.
And still didnt have a flipping clue where I was. Continued walking from what I hoped was a southly direction and ended up in Ranelagh, cut across Charleston road to rathmines and went into the centra,
bought toilet roll, selotape, sliced white pan, sudocrem, and 1/2 pound butter.
Went back to apartment, leg was still bleeding but not as bad, covered my leg in sudocrem wrapped it in toilet roll and wrapped it with selotape.
And then made myself a sandwich.
Didn't get out of bed for next three days, and leg was swollen for ages, i'm sure I probably should have got some stitches.
Now I have three lovely scars on my left leg from 1/2 inch to 1 inch to the last one of 2 inches to remind me never to go to a Dit traffic light ball again.

LeeHoffmann

While drunk one day last summer, I accidentally broke one of my bottles. As I was cleaning it up, my friends warned me not to cut myself on the broken glass. Of course, I was all "SURE THIS WOULDN'T CUT YA AT ALL" and rubbed a shard along my arm to prove my point.

did something similar at the Christmas family poker game. Every Christmas Day there's a big poker game down at my Aunt's. The first year I played I got completely blathered. The whole night was one long embarrassment. There's a good bit of money changing hands at this game so people want to focus. I had just got a new fancy camera and spent the whole night photographing people looking at their cards with the flash on. The game was ruined. The most embarrassing part was when I dropped a wine glass on the floor beside my feet, breaking the glass and spilling drink everywhere. The glass cut the undersoles of my feet to ribbons. I was so inebriated I couldn't feel the pain and tried to wipe the blood away -with my feet! - hence smearing more blood all over the floor. I thought I was being discreet. Apparently I whispered very loudly to my aunt ''shhhh don't tell my Dad'' - my Dad was sitting directly across from me, shaking his head in horror at the daughter he raised. Of course he heard every word. Luckily for me, my family all have a great sense of humour. I still get slagged about it

Jesh1

Had a college exam and needed to pull an all nighter to have any hope of passing, at 10am I decided to get some provisions from Tesco. I got to the till and paid for all the items and then just walked off leaving my items behind. Half way out of the store the checkout girl called me back, saying ehhh…your shopping!?

A year later in the same Tesco I crashed into a parked car, only to realise it was owned by the same girl that served me at the till in the previous incident!

I hate doing the weekly shop now

LeeHoffmann

it was the same girl that severed me at the till

severed you? really? :eek:

I hate doing the weekly shop now

no wonder

CardBordWindow

Jesh1 wrote: »

A year later in the same Tesco I crashed into a parked car, only to realise it was the same girl that severed me at the till in the previous incident!

I hate doing the weekly shop now

What part of ya did she sever!!?

Jesh1

CardBordWindow wrote: »

What part of ya did she sever!!?

my brain

waffleman

When i was 8 or 9 years old i was wearing a baseball cap with the peak low just above my eyes. Cycled straight into the front of a van in front of my old man and a few of his buddies - we have never spoke of it but i know he must have been proud

Joesh82

I have loads but heres a few

I did a xmas exam once and forgot to hand it in....this was secondary school Dont ask

I was in Barcelona on holiday and fell asleep on the bus, driver wakes me up at the last stop, which was a university and instead of admitting what happened, I was like "Obviously, I was going here anyway- Im not totally thick :rolleyes:" So I pretended to walk off towards the building until he drove off and then went back to the bus stop to wait for the next bus to town. It never occured to me that he was just going down the road to turn and about 5 mins later he was back. I didnt even try to explain just asked for a ticket.

Was walking through town and a foreign guy comes up to ask me something, for some unkown reason before he could even finish talking as some sort of idiot reflex I blurt out " Sorry, I dont have any spare change". It turns out he was just looking for directions.

On the way back from Ibiza, I hadnt slept for nearly 2 days so I decided to get to the airport early, get the bag checked in so then I could relax and sleep for a bit. So I got there, had my passport, tickets all to hand and so early check in wasnt even open yet. So far it was highly organised plan. So sat down pleased with myself and then...woke up 4 hours later - cleaning guys going around buffing the floor, airport nearly empty and flight well and truly gone. I learned that day being retarded is expensive and not a good way to travel .

_feedback_

Voodoomelon wrote: »

In DKIT years ago, I went for a big manly poo. Straight into the cubicles, dropped the pants and away I went. No one else was in the place thank god as the place was reeking.

All of a sudden I hear the main door open and there's two girls chatting away inside. I was like WTF. I hear the cubicle next to me open and then close, your one unzipping her jeans and she was still chatting away to the girl at the sinks. That feeling of terror shot through my body, my eyes started darted around looking for clues, the biggest being the sanitary towel disposal bin beside me. F***!!! "I'm shítting in the ladies jacks. You've really out done yourself here".

Thank god I was on the jacks, as I would have shat myself. It was like being behind enemy lines and I hadn't been detected yet. Fear and excitement. Started wiping frantically and flushed away. I thought to myself, "Do I wait for them to leave, or risk someone else coming in and waiting on my cubicle?" (there was only 2). There I stood pondering and I just made a snap decision, f*** it, just leg it! Whipped the lock open and belted it to the door, with your one at the sinks mouth hanging open.

I thought thank god thats over, only to look up and see about 8 girls from the same group all waiting outside the jacks. "Lord, please let the roof collapse on me right now..."

I was in a fancy indian restaurant in London a while back. It was late in the evening and I had drank one or two alcoholic beverages.

Went to the toilets, and like above, heard the dreaded female voices. I waited it out. While waiting, I thought to myself, how the fúck did I end up in here?

On the doors were M and F. I had presumed that M stood for Mná and F for Fir, which of course is not really probable in London.

What a dope.

Joesh82

What about those toilets with a bloody triangle or a square marking them..I still dont know which is which

softmee

Joesh82 wrote: »

What about those toilets with a bloody triangle or a square marking them..I still dont know which is which

Its not triangle and square, but triangle and circle :pac: and circle is female (think why and you will remember). :rolleyes:

My most retarded thing also took place in a toilet. When I was in Germany I went to some club with friends and there was awful long queue for ladies, so I though - man toilet looks empty, so why not. When I entered it was almost empty and I locked myself in one of the cabins and when I was trying to get out -the handle fell of on the floor outside where I couldnt reach it. Suddenly toilet was full of german man and I couldnt get out. Also I couldnt speak german at all. It was the most awkward moment in my life -trying to communicate from toilet cabin in a different language and trying to explain why I cant get out. Thanks god I wasnt too sober.

Bloody Nipples

softmee wrote: »

Its not triangle and square, but triangle and circle :pac: and circle is female (think why and you will remember). :rolleyes:

Is it cos circle stands for

vagina?

CardBordWindow

Bloody Nipples wrote: »

Is it cos circle stands for

vagina?

Well......my penis stands for vagina!

Hannibal Smith

I walked into Andrew Street post office and asked if they sell stamps

I was closing a sale in a plush solicitor's office once, but needed to pee before the other solicitor came down, when I was looking for the flusher, I all I could see was this long red cord so I pulled it...it was then I realised I was in the disabled toilets and I pulled the alarm

I was walking home from work one day and saw this guy at the side of the footpath with a hood over his head and his cup out...it was raining, so I felt sorry for him and took some coins out of my pocket and dropped them in his cup...it was a cup of tea...he was sitting there waiting on a bus :o

I was walking through Stephen's Green one day and saw this couple walking along with their baby in a buggy and a dodgy looking teenager following right behind them. So I walked up and discreetly told them to mind their bags. The teenager was with them :o

I don't know which one of these to pick as the worst, probably the coins in the tea

LeeHoffmann

I would have thought pulling the alarm in the disabled toilets was the most embarrassing? Asking if a post office sells stamps seems the most silly

Hannibal Smith

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I would have thought pulling the alarm in the disabled toilets was the most embarrassing? Asking if a post office sells stamps seems the most silly

Not really, no one saw me escape...they all walked around asking what the noise was

I wasn't sure if the post office was just for business/franked post or if it was for general stuff too...the look on the guy's face said it all

Hannibal Smith

four18 wrote: »

The Kitchen sink was blocked and after much "plunging" decided that the U bend under the sink was the culprit. I got a bucket ready underneath and slowly undid the U bend which dropped into the bucket followed by the contents of the sink which filled the bucket to the very tip top.
I very very slowly took out the bucket trying not to spill any, lifted it up and threw it down the sink...DOH ! ! !:( Niagra Falls at my feet

that's hilarious :D:D

strobe

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I walked into Andrew Street post office and asked if they sell stamps

I was closing a sale in a plush solicitor's office once, but needed to pee before the other solicitor came down, when I was looking for the flusher, I all I could see was this long red cord so I pulled it...it was then I realised I was in the disabled toilets and I pulled the alarm

I was walking home from work one day and saw this guy at the side of the footpath with a hood over his head and his cup out...it was raining, so I felt sorry for him and took some coins out of my pocket and dropped them in his cup...it was a cup of tea...he was sitting there waiting on a bus :o

I was walking through Stephen's Green one day and saw this couple walking along with their baby in a buggy and a dodgy looking teenager following right behind them. So I walked up and discreetly told them to mind their bags. The teenager was with them :o

I don't know which one of these to pick as the worst, probably the coins in the tea

Lol brilliant! You're like that guy from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

four18

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

that's hilarious :D:D

My 8 year old said "Dad, Why did you do that ? ";)

Hal Emmerich

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I was walking home from work one day and saw this guy at the side of the footpath with a hood over his head and his cup out...it was raining, so I felt sorry for him and took some coins out of my pocket and dropped them in his cup...it was a cup of tea...he was sitting there waiting on a bus :o

What did he say?

What did you say?

Decky86

i once farted on the set of blue lagoon

Popsy

This story relates to something my brother did when he was about 14.

I was out one day with my mam and dad, we arrived home late afternoon to be greeted by my bro at the hall door looking all smug with himself.

He proceeded to tell us how he wanted to surprise my mam by cleaning the carpet for her. Mam was delighted for about ten seconds.

It turned out, he had filled 3 buckets with water and washing up liquid and poured them straight onto the carpet and started scrubing. Needless to say the sitting room was like a paddling pool. Back then we didnt have the money to be shelling out for things on the spur of the moment, so the heating was cranked up in the hope the carpets would dry.

After two days of squelching around the house, the parents finally caved in and pulled up the carpet.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

kearney13 wrote: »

Most retarded thing I have ever done was when I drank some poitin and went down to the pub for a few pints, night passed by and I refused to leave the pub because I was convinced I passed out in bed at home and I was dreaming I was back in the pub weirdest experience I ever went thru no wonder the stuff is illegal :P

I only drank that once, at a party and already drunk. Someone got a bottle of it out and most people were having it with loads of mixer, but my friend and I were giving it all "hahaha ye bunch of pussies, we'll have a glass each straight up!". Thank GOD the guy didn't give us the amount we were asking for, just poured us a double each. I started drinking mine a second before my friend, he said by the time he'd lowered his head after downing his drink I'd disappeared (ran to get sick), and he wondered to himself "hmm, odd, I wonder where she..." and then fell over. It was just like being poisoned, not even any sensation of drunkeness at all, just insta-vom.

previous user

Decky86 wrote: »

i once farted on the set of blue lagoon

Slap!!

PennyLane88

Haha, some funny stories here

When i was 15, i was attending a funeral, it was lashing rain outside, so when it was time to go, i went racing back to the car. Hoped into the back seat, seat belt on and roared 'cmon drive the car, i'm starving!!'

Turned out to be a complete stranger - old man who got the fright of his life. And so did i.

I quickly hopped out of the car, and into the car i was meant to be in. Family got a great laugh out of it, they seen the whole thing happen

wandatowell

I licked a window