Relationships: living in different counties

FayeRayRay

My boyfriend and I are together a year. Im from Dublin hes from Kilkenny and he now is living back there now because he got a job down there . Just wondering what other peoples experiences have been ?????????????????????????????

magneticimpulse

oh i thought this said living in different countRIES! Then i realised you both live in Ireland. Hey at least you dont have to fork out €300 every month to fly to Dublin

Yeah my OH is in germany so... in the grand scheme of things i'd say you're grand only in kilkenny!

LittleBook

Dublin/Birmingham for us ... actually, might be quicker than Kilkenny with our roads

G86

Did it for a year when I was younger, 4 hour distance and it really wasn't a problem. It just makes you reaaallly look forward to the weekend!

Asphyxia

Not a big fan of long distance relationships I was in one that ended bad. I guess it's like anything if you both work on it and want it you should be happy.

dory

I also read that as different countries. I work for the UN so pretty much everyone in my office has a LDR. Works out fine for them. I did it last year for a few months. I enjoyed the emails/letter/phone conversations.

From my experience it works out if there is an end in sight. If you know it's for X amount of time. If it's indefinite then it gets trickier.

Hasmunch

FayeRayRay wrote: »

My boyfriend and I are together a year. Im from Dublin hes from Kilkenny

Good news is, Dublin is no more than an hour and a half away now the new motorway is open.

My Oh is in the UK, takes a lot of effort but really worth it when we get to see each other.

ztoical

LittleBook wrote: »

actually, might be quicker than Kilkenny with our roads

Nope brand new motorway the whole way from Dublin to KK now, you fly down. I've made it in an hour and 15mins. Worked in KK for awhile and had plenty of people heading up to Dublin to OH or the OH coming down for the weekend, at least KK is a direct train and bus line if your using public transport. It was more effort for me to get to Thurles 30 min drive away using public transport then getting to Dublin.

FayeRayRay

Pocketfizz I was wondering what happened that it ended badly ? im trying to identify obstacles so i can overcome them. Its been a month and so far its good just a little more effort.

FayeRayRay

Yea thats true he comes up every weekend so I guess its not so bad, just wanted to gather some peoples experiences of it.

pickarooney

I know a good few people who commute more than that every day (KK-Dub distance) and even though they live together they probably see less of one another than if they were living apart and meeting at the weekends. Neither is an ideal situation but it will work out if it's meant to, at least for the time it takes to make better arrangements. I had a LDR for a year (before cheap flights abroad) and it was a pain, but it was a time of letter writing, mix tapes and trunk calls so there was a certain romantic aspect to it.

spud_67

I think with the current environment that there are alot of people in the same opposition. Work is where you can get it at the moment and if you really want to be with someone it means you have to try a little harder and make it work.
Speaking from experience, I work in Dublin but my family are in Donegal, I travel down on a monday morning normally about 4:30 in the morning and back up on a friday evening. I cherish the time with my family and it is hard but we have to do something to pay the bills. I see alot of the same cars and vans on a road monday and friday and I would dearly love to be at home but the way the economy is at the moment, any chance of a decent job dictates where I work.
Only advice I give you FayeRayRay is, if its worth doing there is no obstacle at all!!

Toto Wolfcastle

Dublin to Kilkenny isn't too far. I live in Cork and have been going out with someone from Dublin for a year and 8 months. Yeah, the 2 and a half hour drive is a balls sometimes, but it's all worth it. It could be a lot worse.

RacoonQueen

Long distance relationships are hard. Really, really hard. Communication needs to be really good.

I went out with someone who lived in Leeds for 6 months when I was in school. He used to come to see me(never me to him) every other weekend. Always looked forward to seeing him.

Another lived in Leeds when we started seeing each other, he moved to Norway about 4 months after we started seeing each other and that put an end to that.

The ex worked in the UK but was living in Dublin at weekends.

To be honest in all three instances I think the distance and never really being able to get to know them was part of the reason for relationships failing. It's hard to get comfortable with someone you only see once a week, if you're lucky. Though the first dude was just a pain in the arse at the end. Think the other two could have worked if it wasn't for trying to get to know each other via spending time chatting online when you're apart/text and if I wasn't such a horrible girlfriend. :pac:

Morgase

Hasmunch wrote: »

My Oh is in the UK, takes a lot of effort but really worth it when we get to see each other.

Same here. Dublin to Kilkenny sounds extremely doable in comparison, OP! Good luck with it.

Asphyxia

FayeRayRay wrote: »

Pocketfizz I was wondering what happened that it ended badly ? im trying to identify obstacles so i can overcome them. Its been a month and so far its good just a little more effort.

Basically he cheated on me so after that I'm not to keen on the long distance relationship. Anyway everyone is different so don't let me scare you.

Xiney

Personally I wouldn't even class anything under 2 hours distance as a long distance relationship. Sure you can spend an hour and a half just getting across Galway at rush hour...

baby and crumble

Yeah, try mixing in a 7 hour time difference, THEN it gets difficult!

My OH is over in China at the mo, after a year in Oxford studying. Both broke so we usually go a few months without having time together- all I can say is I probably owe skype and gmail chat my relationship!

It is hard though. It's easy to get really defensive or offensive depending on your mood, and picking fights is so easy...

The time difference is the killer imho, because the only time we ever get to talk is when I'm in college (and I'm expected in my department office from 9-5 pretty much, so it's like a job)- so as you can imagine my productivity has taken something of a nosedive this year! :rolleyes:

Still. She's home Christmas week, for good, hopefully. That is, unless she gets offered something else over there...

rannerap

through one circumstance or another all my relationships have ended up long distance, its a pain but if you love them its worth it

Scarinae

I used to go out with a guy who lived on the other side of Dublin, and at the time I considered it a long-distance relationship This seems hilarious to me now!

Seriously though, I feel like I'm a bit of a pro at LDRs at this stage... My last boyfriend lived in Kerry for the first two years that we were together, but we managed by free Meteor texts and a phonecall pretty much every night.

I've been with my current boyfriend just over three and a half years, and we've been long-distance since I moved to London a year ago, but we'd kinda had practice because he spent two summers in Kenya and I was in Honduras one summer as well. He spent six months in Namibia last year and is moving back there on Friday for another year or so. I will probably stay in London for the time being because I have better career chances. Skype, gmail chat and free webtexts when he's in Ireland are immensely helpful.

The most important things for LDRs are communication and trust. Communication is a pretty obvious one, but you do need to make an effort. This is one of the things I found the most difficult when I first moved to London last year - my boyfriend isn't the type to text or email unless he actually has something to say, so if he had no news he might not message me. I saw this as him not messaging because we were losing touch and drifting apart, while he saw it as him not messaging because he had nothing to tell me. We talked about it though and I learned to not mind if I don't hear from him for a day or two, and he learned that I like to get texts (it's a bit of an in-joke now, he'll occasionally send me one that just says 'TEXT' ) And it meant that I found him moving to Namibia a bit easier, when sometimes he'd be out in the desert and really wouldn't be able to contact me for a few days - one time I didn't hear from him for 11 days! I think I would have found the Namibia thing harder if I was still in Dublin, but since I'm in London anyway what difference does it really make if he's in Ireland or Namibia? We sometimes write letters, post presents etc while is quite fun as well

Trust is a biggie as well. A lot of people don't understand how I can manage the long-distance thing, and a frequently asked question is how I know he isn't cheating on me. The honest answer is that I don't think that he would, in the same way that I wouldn't cheat on him. There's always one twat who can't let it go and will persist: "But how do you REALLY know? Surely everyone who has been cheated on would have said the same thing as you originally?" Well, there's no real answer to that except that I know my boyfriend a hell of a lot better than they do. No, I can't be 100% certain, but I trust him enough not to worry, and he trusts me.
The first time we were apart for a few months, when he went to Kenya and I went to Honduras (we'd only been together three months or so at this point), I think he was a bit worried that I would cheat on him. It's understandable though because his previous girlfriend cheated on him while she was on holiday. But he knows me better than that now.

I don't know how this turned into such a long post, oops!

Tl;dr - I'm in an LDR and I manage fine!

rain on

I'm in Galway and himself is in Dublin and I wouldn't even consider that long-distance, more medium-distance.. we normally only see each other on weekends but the odd time if we're missing each other I'll head down to him after work, the drive is only a shade over 2 hours so if I knock off early (I have flexitime) I can be at his house by the same time he gets home, and then if I leave at 7 the next morning I'm in work for just after 9 which is fine. So we can spend midweek evenings together if we really feel like it - petrol costs are the only thing that stop us doing it more often!

We only got together after the M6 opened though.. I'm not sure if I would have been arsed with it if there wasn't motorway pretty much door to door between us.

FayeRayRay

Well thanks for the long post hearing stories like yours it makes it sound normal. And at the end of the day i feel nobody knows anything about relationships, what ever works for you and your partner.

LenaClaire

My husband and I did long distance (couple thousand miles) dating for several years before we got married. As Fishie says, it really does boil down to communication and trust but it is workable.

magentas

It wouldn't be for me TBH I value time with my fella too much and even miss him if he's away for the night or something!:o

I think it depends on what stage of a relationship you're in but it's something that both of you would need to be happy with the arrangement
Circumstance determines a lot

my sister met a guy when she lived in Korea they were together for about a year before they both moved home (her to Ireland, him to Sri Lanka)
they did the long distance thing for years!
the longest they went without seeing each other was over a year!

she was trying to finish college then they were both working and there were issues with visas etc. but they met up in Singapore to go travelling together for the summer, she said it was hell leaving him again though

Anyho, 6years later and they're happily married and living together in London:)

magneticimpulse

Sarannewrap wrote: »

through one circumstance or another all my relationships have ended up long distance, its a pain but if you love them its worth it

me too...and normally between ireland and france

Faith

I actually found it more difficult when my relationship was Cork - Kerry than Kerry - Edinburgh. Being in different countries meant we couldn't see each other unless we planned it well in advance. Being 2 hours away meant we were within arms reach, but still only saw each other at weekends, which was really frustrating. We were close enough to take each other for granted, and my ex began to really resent spending every weekend in Cork (I work Saturdays, he was unemployed). TBH, we mostly failed because he couldn't be bothered making the effort in the end, and in one legendary fight, he shouted at me that I "took up all his time" because we spoke on the phone for 5 minutes every evening, and he stayed with me Friday and Saturday nights.

If you're both prepared to really work at it, then you'll be grand. My ex was just a twat really!

figrolls

Yeah they're hard work can if it's worth it then its not a problem.
My OH lives in Dublin, but is from Cork and Im in Waterford. When we started going out three years ago he lived in cork and I lived in Limerick but was from Waterford. So we've always had 3 places to go between.

The only problem really is that somebody always has to give up their weekend in a way, to travel to the other person.

If theres an end in sight its managable!

When I read the OP I laughed out loud (not in a mean way ) at someone thinking Dublin to Kilkenny was long distance. That would be just a normal relationship to me. Even when I lived in the same area as my ex, it took me over an hour to get to his house by bus.

I think it really depends what you're used to. My BF spent a year in Asia and you can't really get much more long distance than that. We had a 9 hour time difference, couldn't text each other and only saw each other twice in the year. Now that I'm temporarily working on the continent and he's in Ireland, the difference is incredible. Sure, to most people it's probably still long distance, but I'm only an hour ahead, I can text anytime, we can talk every day, see each other every 3 weeks or so. It honestly doesn't even feel long distance to me. Anytime I feel lonely or miss him, I know it won't be longer than a few weeks before I see him again.

As for the cheating, well, in my mind it doesn't make much difference whether it's long distance or not. If he wants to cheat, he will. Unless you never go out without each other, there will always be nights out where you're not there and opportunities for him to meet other girls. If you trust him, you trust him.

Scarinae

Aw to be fair what counts as long distance depends on your circumstances as well... I would have definitely considered Kilkenny-Dublin to be an LDR when I was in school because I wouldn't have had access to a car, would have been more restricted by parents etc

FayeRayRay

I dont consider it long distance, we lived in the same city for a year then he moved. It is a distance but not too bad. I just wanted some peoples views and experiences thats all.

Raze_them_all

My birds in dub, I'm in Kilkenny, Tis grand.

Acacia

I also thought the title says 'countries' instead of 'counties'... I was glad that I've an oppurtunity to talk about my 'semi-LDR' as I call it. No doubt partners living on other sides of the world have it hard, but with travel times and other commitments sometimes living in different counties can be difficult too.

I live in Kildare, my boyfriend lives in Laois. I guess we're fairly lucky that we're not too far away but because neither of us drives it can be awkward sometimes, especially when jobs/college get in the way. I find the biggest barrier in LDRs isn't necessarily distance but time. For example, there was a time I didn't see him for a month because we both had so much on. We don't get to do things other couples maybe take for granted. For example, if I have a bad day, i cant call in to him for a hug and a chat. That kinda thing seems small I know, but it can grind you down after awhile.

People often say ''sure, you're only an hour away from each other by car''. True, but when you factor in the commuting, traffic, unreliable public transport it could be 3 hours or more door to door. Again, obviously that's nothing compared to what others have to travel but it often means little things get in the way. For example, I could be visiting him for a day and maybe I could stay an extra day but I have an appointment/errand at an early time the next morning. It may only take a half-hour to do whatever it is, but because of the awkwardness of travelling from his house to mine, I have to leave the evening before... again I suppose this all seems petty stuff but it does get annoying.

You have to have complete trust and good communication for LDRs to work. If you can't see each other for weeks/monthes at a time, you have to put in the work at phoning/emailing, etc.

Another misconception people have about LDRs is that you have more time to yourself... it's true in some ways, but when you have to set aside certain times for ringing your OH ( perhaps more applicable for those in different time zones), it makes other things more awkward to fit in. Or you want to do a class or sport that takes place on a Wednesday evening but that's the only day both you and your OH have time together and you cant do both cause of travel times... something's got to give...

having said all that, I love my OH to bits and the relationship is totally worth the effort. sorry for the long post but it felt good to have a bit of a rant.

squeakyduck

I was in an LDR for a very long time, it wasn't good for either of us.
Meeting up was great, but being apart killed me. It wasn't for my physical/mental wellbeing.

But that's not to say that someone else can't make it work. If the two people are willing to try their hardest at making the relationship work it will have a happy ending!

Konata

I live in Dublin, my boyfriend lives in Clare. We've been going out 6 months (3 of which I was in Sligo so even further away ) and tbh, it's working out great. Sure I miss him sometimes but I get to see him at least every 2 weeks, and often every week.

Yes, it's a bit awkward at times and those train journeys cost money but it's totally worth it. Knowing he's coming up at the weekend is something to look forward to, especially when my week is going shít.

Sure, I could totally do with a cuddle every day/night but living in different counties isn't all that bad, and I'm sure you'll manage it fine OP

00112984

My now husband and I did a distance-based relationship for the first couple of years. I was in Kerry, him in Dublin when we met in 2002. It was tough going and definitely meant that things could be taken up wrong over the phone and we were probably a little more conscious of eachother than we would have been if we were able to meet up every day but it worked out pretty well.

After a few months of €300+ phone bills each we found a good package that gave us free calls and texts (this was in the days before Skype etc) plus we had e-mails, MSN etc. We got to the stage where we'd take it in turns to travel and would see eachother maybe every 3 out of 4 weekends. At one stage, I think I kept Aer Arann and Kerry airport in business.

Like everything else with a relationship, if it's going to work out it will take a lot of work. We established a routine fairly early on in terms of calling eachother and checking in. We were very open with eachother too and became very close very fast so trust didn't become any more of an issue as it would have been if we were in the same town.

While I much prefer our situation now- being in the same city, living in the same house and spending lots of time together, I do look back on the old days fondly. The excitement of seeing eachother for the first time in a fortnight, the surprises in the post, the chatty e-mails. Even now, I still have loads of old e-mails where we were just chatting and flirting and really getting to know eachother and they're lovely to look back on.

Anyway, I'm rambling but what I wanted to say is that if it's a good relationship you'll make it work whether you're living nextdoor to eachother or 7,000 miles away.

mahamageehad

My guy is in Canada for a year since September and I am in Germany. Distance is a killer, but when I fly over to see him in February it will all have been worth it! Again the time zone thing is the most difficult. Trying to coordinate times when we are both around is very difficult! I really miss him, but if you really want to make something work you can! I envy the people who can see their bf/gf with a two hour drive! Having said that I also think it's important to really know the person first, I don't know how well it would work if you were trying to get to know the person as well as being apart!

mariebeth

This past week I actually broke up with the guy who I was going out with for the year & a half. He was in Dublin & I was in Cork. It wasn't the most ideal situation, and while I wouldn't blame the distance on it totally, I think in the end of the day it probably contributed to it in some way. I just felt that after a year & a half, the romantic feelings of love had gone, and had been replaced by more feelings of him just being a friend. Maybe if we had been living in the same place those feelings might not have changed, or they might have changed to something stronger, but they didn't for me. I just felt like he was a friend, and when I looked at the bigger picture, I couldn't see myself being happy if we had a long term future.

But that said, I do have two close friends who were in LDR's and both they're relationships are strong, happy & stable. One girl moved to London to live with her boyfriend, while the other ones boyfriend made the move from Holland to live with her over here. So it can be successful. You just have to have a lot of trust, and good communication between the two of ye.

woolymammoth

00112984 wrote: »

whether you're living nextdoor to eachother or 7,000 miles away.

10,315 miles for me

video calling ftw

dcfc

Dublin and Donegal for us! Difficult sometimes but it makes the time we spend together all the more special!!!!

Michellenman

I'm struggling a bit with France-Ireland at the moment with my best friend in the whole world, never thought I could miss him this much, he's coming to visit though in 9 days, which will be the first time we've seen each other since August. We literally spent 5 out of 7 days together up until I left so it's been a shock to the system. My internet access is really really really crap so skype isn't that great... I'm currently spending about €50 every two weeks on credit so we can keep in contact... we text... a lot then we just email and stuff too. It's manageable for now , I'm home for a month at christmas so that will be brilliant, but I just can't wait to see him now

jester77

Long distance is tough, myself and my partner were 2 years apart, Oz-Germany. We only saw each other 3 times the first year, relationship almost fell apart. We made a commitment to see each other more often the second year. There was never more than 6 weeks between visits and things improved. We are now back together in the same country and things are getting better. I will never do long distance again and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

nermal15

I've been in a LDR for about a year and a half now. When we started out I lived in Waterford and he lived in Galway-5 hours in a car, 7 on that God awful bus. It definitely has its problems-so easy to pick a fight over the phone if you're in a bad mood. I actually find that problems have come from over-communicating. Because we didn't see each other often, we felt the need to talk non-stop via phone, texting, internet etc. and I think it put a bit of pressure on us both after the novelty of it all wore off but we still felt obliged to do it.

Now I'm in Dublin for college so the distance is a lot more manageable and I feel like I'm in a normal relationship, haha.

sunflower27

Ireland-UK for me.

Meet up usually every fortnight. I do miss him obviously but we went out years ago and it was the same thing, only we are a lot more grown up and appreciative of each other now.

Funny how when we split all those years ago I hoped it would somehow work out... it's a lot better now. Maybe it's the fact I am used to the distance that I don't get too upset.

I think I'll end up moving over there if things work out though.