The Funny Side of not being straight.

Dr. Baltar

There's a lot of depression on this board and I think it's time for a thread highlighting the funny side of being LGBT. This will be a broad topic, from hilarious coming out stories to someone being so ignorant that it made you laugh!

I have two small stories the first which I recalled after reading this post:

wonderfulname wrote: »

And I haven't seen The Salon but I can say with about 90% certainty that Brian is propagating that image intentionally for the good of his career.
Men like Brian are in shows like The Salon because a lot of women absolutely love the gay best friend idea.

See, I wouldn't consider myself camp at all, in fact, I pretty much despise anything girly including "doing the hair" or stupid shows like my super sweet boob job or whatever they are.
But apparantly... :rolleyes: not being straight (anymore) changes all of this? After coming out to a number of friends in college, I decided to come out to one of my best friends in "the real world". She was sitting on one side of the room, and I on the other.
I turned to her and I said:
"Name, look I've something to tell ye, and it's kinda big, so can ye keep it under wraps for a while"

She gets that kind of gossipy look in her eye and asks what it is..
"Eh, I'm bisexual" [Hold Breath awaits shocked gasp]
Instead however, she lets out a huge squeal, starts clapping her hands frantically, smiles and says "oh my god oh my god oh my god! We can go shopping!!"

I look at her, apalled and just say "Eh, no"
The utter look of disappointment on her face!

Another time I had to explain to one of my friends over and over again that yes, non-straight people actually did exist in real life and no, they weren't just on the telly. :eek:

So any funny stories?

theredletter

Good idea for a thread!

I love having to explain gay sex to straight guys. I remember one time I was on the bus and heard a gay guy tell his attentive straight friend 'It's kinda like Christmas, either you give the present or they receive it, either way both should enjoy it!'... odd!

wonderfulname

Sitting around listening to a young male acquaintance talk himself up, as only they can, he eventually forgets himself and looks back to me "So, are yah up for it then?"
Me: "No I'm good thanks"
Him: "What ya have a fella?"
Me (smirking): "Nope"
Him (Sarcastically): "A missus.. HA"
Me: "Yup"
He fell over, "Jesus I've never met one of you before!"
Oh I laughed and I laughed, he didn't mean anything bad by it he genuinely had never met one of me before.

The power to surprise! An epically funny side to not being straight, and I'm guessing you had to be there.

Or the time a girl started giving out to me for telling my appallingly straight friend that she'd disclosed to me she thought said friend might be gay, we just found it ridiculously funny, the irony of the situation! After another helpless fit of laughter I explained to her what was what, she saw the funny side eventually!

Dr. Baltar

wonderfulname wrote: »

tically): "A missus.. HA"
Me: "Yup"
He fell over, "Jesus I've never met one of you before!"
Oh I laughed and I laughed, he didn't mean anything bad by it he genuinely had never met one of me before.

Ahahahaha!

Just remembered another one there actually, myself and one of my friends who is gay were sitting down drinking some beers while another friend played fifa on his ps2. He obviously made a mistake and shouted at one his players "You Fcuking Fagg0t!!!!" - He then went absolutely scarlet, paused the game and nearly with tears in his eyes he turns to me and my friend going "Ah, lads... seriously... i ... ah... I didn't mean it now.. It just kind of slipped out... I don't ever..."

Myself and my friend just burst into the pisses laughing.

shay_562

Best 'coming out' that I had:

Me: Name, I'm gay.
Name: [laughing] No you're not.

He then turned around and went back to eating his dinner. It took about 25 seconds of silence before he realised I hadn't been joking. Possibly doesn't come across as well in text, but we still cry laughing about it now.

I'm also a big fan of any conversation with male friends that turns into a "Girlfriends do crazy ****" moanfest; popping in with the occasional "Yup", "They're crazy alright" and "Women - can't live with 'em. Another pint?" will probably never stop amusing me.

Links234

plein de force

one of things my mam said when i said i was gay was "if you've never had sex with a man how do you know you're gay?":p i actually had i just told i her i didn't for some reason and i just said "did you have to have sex with a man to know you're straight". she just laughed at her stupidity

one time someone asked me, "so when two gay fellas go out, who pays for the date?"

Annasopra

someone I know once had this story: he was going to pink training (a national LGB colleges event) he came back and his mother found the delegate pack, the conversation went like this

# John what's LGB?
# It's eh Ladies and Gents Basketball
# John you're too small to play basketball - Are you lesbian and gay
# No mam
# Are you bisexual?
# No
# Good cause they're all perverts

baby and crumble

i remember the 1st time I came out to anyone, it was my best mate, night of the LC results... we were staying in her aunt & uncles house, and i was sleeping in thier little kids room, who had moved in with the parents for the night.

Anyway, cue lots of crying, heart opening stuff, and then my mate stopped cold and went-

"Oh my god"

me: "what?"

"the baby monitor... it's still on... they've heard everything!"

me: "****, really?"

"nah, only messing!"

Bitch. Heart was still pounding the next day!!!

Also, when I came out to my Mam, she absorbed the info, waited a few weeks then came up to Dublin to see me. She said she'd been doing some research on the internet (I started shuddering at the thought of what she might have found googling 'lesbian teenager', but anyway...) and she said she'd found like a parents support network thing, and they'd had some basic tips, and one of them was not to tell anyone until your child said it was ok.

So she asked me if it was ok if she told some of her friends, and I said "of course, my family knows, it's no secret anymore" and she went "Great, cos I've already told Mary!":rolleyes:

ElectricGirl

I told my sister and her first reaction was "oh my god I will carry a baby for you" I just looked at her and said that I could still carry a kid, I still laugh when I think about it

Aoifums

My friend and I were walking up to the side door at school and she was mad at me for pushing her. I can't remember I did or not, but out conversation went something like

Her: You pushed me! You're so rough and angry and violent!

Me: Um, no...

Her: You're such a manhandler!

Me: *shocked* I'm not a man handler!

Her: Well, you certainly aren't.

It was really, really funny. Although looking at it now, it might have been one of those 'need to be there' moments.

Dark Artist

I was hanging around with some of my 'lad' friends back in someone's house after a night out (I'm a guy, they all know I'm gay) when someone suggested something, can't remember what it was, but basically they all thought it was a good idea and I disagreed so one of them decided to be smart and said,
"Don't be so anal about it."

That may seem offensive to some people here but if you were there it was actually quality... a lot of these stories seem to be like that actually ha.

Aoifums

Oh I never thought of the best story!!This girl in my class got her nipple pierced, and everyone was really curious about it. So she was showing it to everyone who wanted to see it. I was kinda grossed out by it and I really wanted to see what it looked like (just the piercing!) but I reckoned if I looked and then I came out/was outed in school then she'd get really weirded out.
So about half my class were killing time before PE and she wanted to show me. I was still saying "nah, you're grand, you don't need to show me" when her friend comes out with "Ah Aoife, don't worry. No one's going to think you're a lesbian if you look"
I died laughing on the inside

Doshea3

My mother knew I was gay for quite a while before I told my father. She had figured it out after I went to see 'Brokeback Mountain' in the cinema on my own (!). I never thought that either of my parents would have a problem with it, but I was uncomfortable with telling my father for a long time even after my mother knew.

Eventually my mother persuaded me to tell him. I was talking to her in her bedroom and my Dad was in the shower, and for some very odd reason I decided to hide in his wardrobe. When he came out of the bathroom I jumped out of the closet in the flounciest manner possible. He just laughed and said, 'I know!'

I laugh now looking back at it. I am very lucky to have really cool parents.

wonderfulname

Doshea3 wrote: »

My mother knew I was gay for quite a while before I told my father. She had figured it out after I went to see 'Brokeback Mountain' in the cinema on my own (!).

That reminds me of when my mother.. ehem.. figured it out. She doesn't notice that I only managed to keep any "best friends" for a matter of months max, She doesn't notice the lack of boyfriends, nor does she notice the lack of boyband members half dressed on my wall, or the considerably large amount of female vocalists in their place.. what does she notice? That I saw RENT! the musical, wtf?? Talk about confusing your gay stereotypes..

Links234

You know, most people thought I was a gay guy. Ever since I was a teenager, I've been called gay. People in the pub would ask me if I'm gay, I've even been asked "Do ya fancy him?" and not the fact that I've had girlfriends loads of times ever shook that off.
Even my parents have asked me a few times, sat me down and asked was I gay?
No. I'm not.
It's ok if you are, we'll understand, we still love you!

I've been constantly having to tell people that no, I am NOT gay!
So then when it came to coming out as transgender, and then having to explain my sexuality! Holy hell. Especially when my mother asked. :eek:

So, do you like boys?
No, I've told you all along!
You like girls?
YES! That's what I've been trying to tell you!!
So you're a lesbian?
Um, yeah I guess so.
So you ARE gay!!!



There's no getting away from it!

mollzer

I had spent many a confused time in my life, was a very late starter and had just finished a long straight relationship and decided to 'come out' as bisexual first. My baby sister was the first person I talked to in my family. I was so nervous I didnt know what to say so it went something like this....

Me: I've something to tell you
Sis: go on, what is it?
Me; I think I might be Bisexual
Sis: are ya sure you're not a full blown lesbian?

She wasnt a bit surprised. doh

rainbow kirby

mollzer wrote: »

She wasnt a bit surprised. doh

Similar here - I was outed to my family, and my mum's reaction was "Well, that was the worst kept secret in the history of everything".

L1011

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Similar here - I was outed to my family, and my mum's reaction was "Well, that was the worst kept secret in the history of everything".

On a similar note, many years on I'm still trying to find out what basis my mothers "I had my suspicions...." response to me coming out came from :eek:

akaspike

Came out about 5 years ago but my mother still hopes that i’ll find a good woman to straighten me out!

Anyway, The entire family were in the car making our way to the reception after attending a wedding the other week. Mum thinking she was being a smart ass turns and says -Spike whatever you do don’t be having a wedding in the summer, i don’t think i could handle it ( in reference to the warm weather). So i turned to her and said - it doesn't matter when i have it, i don’t think you’d be able to handle it. Cue silence and then sniggers from my sisters and a smile from my father. I wanted to top it off with a In your face Mum, but left it at that.


When my brother was getting married a few years ago, he was making a speech. In the speech he thanks my mother by saying “ I’d like to thank my mother for bringing me up straight” clearly not referring to his sexuality. But cue the majority of the guest looking at each other and thinking did he just say what i think he said, and then laughter. I thought it was funny as it was taken out of context and after the speech he did appolgised for what had happened.

rainbowdrop

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Similar here - I was outed to my family, and my mum's reaction was "Well, that was the worst kept secret in the history of everything".

MYOB wrote: »

On a similar note, many years on I'm still trying to find out what basis my mothers "I had my suspicions...." response to me coming out came from :eek:

God, all mother's have great perception. All I got from mine when I came out was "I kinda guessed that alright when you were 7 when your Uncle Thomas bought you a Barbie for Christmas, and you locked yourself in your bedroom crying your eyes out because you wanted the Action Man he'd bought your brother instead".

Saddest part about it is she knew when I was 7, I didn't bloody realise myself til I was 21 :pac:

deirdre_dub

As a trans person, I face different challenges.

Picture this. I'm not yet out at work, so my work colleagues only know the male me, and only know my male name.

And one of the people I work with is called "Deirdre".

I'm just waiting for the day when someone says "hey, Deirdre", and the two of us say "yes?".

Hasn't happened to me (yet), but I know someone who it has happened to.

One of the funny changes I noticed about myself shortly after I started my gender journey was that, in male mode, I was constantly forgetting to zip up my fly after going to the toilet. The reason? I was getting too used to wearing skirts, and skirts don't have flys!

deirdre_dub

Speaking of the funny side of being trans, I reckon this is the funniest video on all of youtube -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktKIBXxdDXU

Links234

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Speaking of the funny side of being trans, I reckon this is the funniest video on all of youtube -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktKIBXxdDXU

She is absolutely brilliant! :D

Eebs

Originally Posted by deirdre_dub View Post
Speaking of the funny side of being trans, I reckon this is the funniest video on all of youtube -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktKIBXxdDXU

I am embarrassed for her and laughing my ass off.

TylerIE

akaspike wrote: »

Came out about 5 years ago but my mother still hopes that i’ll find a good woman to straighten me out!

Anyway, The entire family were in the car making our way to the reception after attending a wedding the other week. Mum thinking she was being a smart ass turns and says -Spike whatever you do don’t be having a wedding in the summer, i don’t think i could handle it ( in reference to the warm weather). So i turned to her and said - it doesn't matter when i have it, i don’t think you’d be able to handle it. Cue silence and then sniggers from my sisters and a smile from my father.

Love it... can imagine it in my house!!!

rainbow kirby

Possibly more nerdy than anything else, but there are quite a few people I know who this reminded me of! (the most recent Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal cartoon)

Links234

Dr. Baltar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijbovskICjk

This is a real, 1950s video shown in schools around the USA. The ignorance and tone of the video cracks me up everytime.

Barna77

A video like that is not the same without Troy McClure :pac:

keepkeyyellow

'so if a man becomes a woman is he still a gay man would you have sex with her, cause like she's still a man what about drag queens are you attracted to them do you wanna dress as a woman?'
from my female best friend

friend 'omg what ******...oh i'm sorry'
me 'stop apologising you homo'

mother 'i could fancy a woman you're father might like a man'
father '**** off no'

Dr. Baltar

Tonight:

Friend of a Friend: "You're bi right?"
Me: "Yup"
FoaF: "There's this tranny at the bar... you could get two for the price of one man!"
Me: "......."

Chuchoter

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

Tonight:

Friend of a Friend: "You're bi right?"
Me: "Yup"
FoaF: "There's this tranny at the bar... you could get two for the price of one man!"
Me: "......."

lol I love it. How do you even respond to that? *facepalm*

TylerIE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S0N3bIeFrM

DubArk

I remember a few years ago when both my partner and I were still living in London and we were back here on a visit, we barrowed my Mothers car to visit my Brothers family, in the arse of nowhere.

My nephew who was about nine at that stage was playing in his back garden and we were just chatting away.

Looking at me intensely he asked:

Nephew: "Uncle **** why are you driving Nanas’ car?"

Me: "Well….. We don’t need a Car because we live in a very big city and they have a thing called public transport with Trains, Busses and Tubes…. Really there’s no need for me or **** to own a car, we manage to get around quite well without owning a Car; sure it’s too much trouble in a large city anyway."

Again he looks at me intensely….

Nephew: "Do you have a wife Uncle ****?"

Me: "No I don’t have a wife!"

Nephew: "Does **** (My Partner) have a wife?"

Me: "No **** doesn’t not have a wife!"

Nephew: "WHY??"

I thought to myself; WTF am I going to say… so I went for it! Stuttering to start with…

Me: "Wwe …We don’t have wives because we have one another, like mummy and daddy have each other." (Short and simple)

He looks at me with this look of confusion on his little mug and says:

Nephew: "I DON’T understand I JUST don’t understand at ALL????"

My heart sank! Why didn’t I keep my big mouth shut!

Me: "What don’t you understand???"

Nephew: "WHY, WHY you DON'T have a car??"

Phew…. :D

Links234

lst wrote: »

If your sensitive don't read it... Im posting it as a gay man who takes it with a pinch of salt so please do same!!!

Sorry, I read it, I got annoyed. I'm probably a bit too sensitive, but I don't know what's worse, the disgusting levels of homophobia or the disgusting amount of misogyny.

DubArk

lst wrote: »

If your sensitive don't read it... Im posting it as a gay man who takes it with a pinch of salt so please do same!!!

[/SPOILER]

Read it too *Shudder*

Dr. Baltar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp76ly2_NoI

This ad always cracks me up aswell as the countless parodies:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0pPEAdDn64

Links234

rainbow kirby

^ I *love* C&H

rainbow kirby

More SMBC:

Dr. Baltar

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

Links234

Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber

Dr. Baltar

Links234 wrote: »

Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber

HOLY CRAP!

Dinocarlo

Some light-hearted stuff going on at this Facebook group.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/100-ways-you-know-youre-Irish-and-gay/144423512239128

e.g.

1. You have more opinions on what Anne Doyle is wearing than on what she's saying.

2. You have guys in your phone book with names like Conor Offaly and Liam Kildare.

wonderfulname

Links234 wrote: »

Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber

Crap now you got me addicted to Everyone is Gay!

Hilarious website..

rainbow kirby

Taken from: http://www.robinwood.com/Democracy/Pride/PrideEssays/YouLesbian.html

If you are a woman and…

You own more power tools than you do pairs of shoes, you may be a lesbian.
Your idea of "dressing up" is changing into your "good" jeans, you may be a lesbian.
You use your oven primarily for storage, you may be a lesbian.
You frequently look at Christmas presents from your mother and wonder, "What does she expect me to do with this?" you may be a lesbian.
You have no idea how to put on makeup, but know exactly how to fix the toilet, you may be a lesbian.
The phrase "Dykes on Bikes" makes your heart swell with Pride, you may be a lesbian.
Your "everyday purse" is a photographer's vest, you may be a lesbian.
Your first thought when you see long, perfectly polished fingernails is "ouch!", you may be a lesbian.
You think combing your hair more than once a day is a waste of time, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever referred with disdain to "Girlie Stuff," you may be a lesbian.
You habitually keep your hands in your pockets, you may be a lesbian.
The phrase "act like a Lady" gives you bad flashbacks from your childhood, you may be a lesbian.
Your "good shoes" are the tenny-runners without any holes, you may be a lesbian.
Your clothing is always chosen for comfort, not fashion, you may be a lesbian.
Your idea of "comfort food" is a beer, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever seriously threatened the "perfume girl" in a department store with bodily harm, you may be a lesbian.
You determine if your clothing is "clean enough" by smelling it, you may be a lesbian.
You can pack for a weekend in a "day pack" with room to spare, you may be a lesbian.
You can change to "go out" in less than five minutes, you may be a lesbian.
Your downstairs neighbor calls you to fix her plumbing, her cabinets, her small appliances, etc. you may be a lesbian.
A saleswoman has ever said, "Yes, sir?" to you, you may be a lesbian.
Your closet is totally devoid of skirts or dresses (if you don't count the ones your mother gave you,) you may be a lesbian.
Your idea of a stunning piece of jewelry involves a double-bladed axe, you may be a lesbian.
You own every album ever released by k.d. lang, Melissa Ethridge, and the Indigo Girls, you may be a lesbian.
You never put your car in the shop for an oil change because it's so easy to do it yourself, you may be a lesbian.
You love getting flowers, but are somehow ashamed to admit it, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever been surprised that a friend didn't know how to rewire a lamp, you may be a lesbian.
As a child, you dissected your dolls to find out how the joints worked, you may be a lesbian.
As a child, after you dissected your dolls, you had no problem putting them back together, you may be a lesbian.
You are amazed to find out that Dr. Martin also makes women's shoes, you may be a lesbian.
You think "fixing your nails" involves a pair of clippers. Period. you may be a lesbian.
You know exactly how to use a soldering iron, but are totally at a loss when faced with a curling iron, you may be a lesbian.
You think "lipstick" is an adjective, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever trimmed your nails with a pair of diagonal cutters, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever shaved your legs with your knife, you may be a lesbian.
You think "butch" is a compliment, you may be a lesbian.
You eat whenever you are hungry, you may be a lesbian.
You tend to think of food as "fuel," you may be a lesbian.
Your workbench is spotless, but your sink is full of dishes, you may be a lesbian.
Fine china makes you nervous, you may be a lesbian.
You know people who would spend real money for a photograph of you in a dress (but there's no way they are getting it!) you may be a lesbian.
You dismiss most models as "too skinny," you may be a lesbian.
You have ever used a "y" to spell "women," you may be a lesbian.
If the word "Michigan" does not bring to mind a state, you may be a lesbian.
You have ever said, "Ah, good one!" after belching, you may be a lesbian.

baby and crumble

Oh God. I may be a lesbian!
:p:p

rainbow kirby

zoegh wrote: »

Oh God. I may be a lesbian!
:p:p

Me too, whoda thunk it! :P:pac:

Annasopra

going by that list I'm not a lesbian

L1011

I'm rather worried to see that I may, in fact, be a lesbian.

Time to return the Black & Deckers and get a manicure!