How to get my key back?

LegacyUser

OP here - I'm female, not that it should make a difference.

johanz

Well then, either tell her to behave or get out, or just accept what she does.

That's it, there is NO more options.

Kidchameleon

OP let us know how you get on after you chat to her. To be honest, if one of my family was doing that to me id hate it, especially the cigarettes.

seamus

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP let us know how you get on after you chat to her. To be honest, if one of my family was doing that to me id hate it, especially the cigarettes.

Now, to be fair her sister may not be smoking in the house. My sister-in-law has a key to our house and when she's over I know she smokes outside, puts the cigarette under the tap to put it out and then puts the butt in the bin. We know she doesn't smoke inside because my wife has the nose of a bloodhound and because my SIL is just not that kind of person.

The OP of course will know whether or not her sister is smoking inside. That would drive me mad more anything I think.

username123

OP - this is not about the key etc (as youve already said), its about the relationship you have with your sister and how you feel in your role in that relationship.

You are afraid of the consequences of anny kind of confrontation with your sister and youd rather go on being used by her than stand up for yourself. I can tell you right now, that the fear of standing up for yourself is going to be worse than actually standing up for yourself. So what if she makes a fuss, becomes confrontational etc...? Walk away from her if she does, ask her to leave, hang up the phone, whatever - just dont interact unless she stays calm.

I think your best bet is to change the locks then refuse to hand over a new key. Its going to be harder to get the old key out of her than change the locks.

But you need to look at why you are afraid of confrontation with your sister. Do you really hate confrontation of any kind and why? Has your role in your relationship with her always been defined by her losing the head and barraging you until you crack and cry? If so - why not change that now? You cannot change your sister, but you can definitely change yourself - stop 'reacting' to her behaviours.
Do you badly need her approval, are you afraid that she will turn the whole family against you, do you think she will make your life some kind of misery if you stand up too her?

Well she is making your life a misery now, so it could hardly be any worse. You get what you settle for, and people will treat you as you allow them to, its up to YOU to set boundaries.

I dont doubt the first time you stand up to her is going to be fairly mega in terms of her reaction - she wont like you trying to change out of the doormat role and will have an over the top reaction to try and force you back in your place, but if you hold steady she will respect you and be less inclined to walk on you in the future.

Just stand up for yourself, you may have short swift confrontations in life, but they are much easier than years of being walked on.

AnonoBoy

Tell her you have a friend staying over and need to give them the key for a day or two, then conveniently 'forget' to give it back to your sister or have your friend 'accidentally' lose it.

johanz

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Tell her you have a friend staying over and need to give them the key for a day or two, then conveniently 'forget' to give it back to your sister or have your friend 'accidentally' lose it.

You can just duplicate the original one.

Denimgirl

No honestly,I would'nt mind at all my sister coming in the house for an hour a day as I said as long as she's not a snoop and rooting around my house I don't see the problem I'd be telling her to clean up after herself though if she was leaving a mess behind, it would be no skin off my nose for her to sit there for 60 mins.I'm very famliy orientated though and I would do anything for my family, as you said she has done some favours for you when you needed her she was there.I can see it annoys some people but it truly would'nt bother me at all.not a big deal.

LegacyUser

If you can't count on you're family then who the can you count on.

WOW an hour or two in your house a day when you're not there while she waits for her kids.
ask her to smoke outside and not make a mess.

let's hope you'll be as understanding as you are now when you have children, cos when you have kids you will have to juggle you're time, tend to their needs and forget about you're own needs at times just so you're kids get back from school ok. wander around the shops for an hour without needing to buy anything and not even into window shopping and spend a small fortune on coffee,tea etc.

That hour she is spending in you're home is probably alot less stressful and less tiring for her.
I'm sure if my sister was thinking about me in this manner I would feel hurt.

the watchman

OK 0k.
Just happened on this thread.
OP have you told her yet????????
I'm on the edge of my seat here. Change the locks and no key for sis. I tell you after the row that may ensue (or not) as time goes by you will feel much better and empowered. You might loose a sister, maybe or maybe not, you have no control over that.
I'll be thinking of you tonight and will hit the thread tomorrow to see what happened. Good luck ,go for it..or you will never have peace.:pac:

Chinafoot

Unregistered wrote: »

she still continues to use my home as a drop in centre.

Because you are allowing her to do so. You had the perfect opportunity to stand up to her when she asked for the new key after you changed the locks but you didn't. Your sister isn't a mind reader and just because you wouldn't ask her for the same accommodation doesn't mean she won't ask it of you.
Stop making excuses for her behaviour and your lack of inaction. Nothing will change unless you actually make it happen. "Kind of" saying it to her isn't really good enough.

I hope you do tell her this evening, but I also hope you don't cave in if she gets angry with you. And if you do, well tbh OP, you may learn to suck it up because she has no reason to stop dropping in unless you tell her you don't want her to.

LegacyUser

Right I'm not long home, and there was murder as I knew there would be.

I took alot of advice from here and approached the matter calmly. We were chatting and I said 'By the way, I'd like to get that key back from you please'. Why she asked. Because Im uncomfortable with anyone in my home when I'm not there and I'd like the key back please. At which point she pulled the key off her keyring and threw it at me, calling me all sorts of names. Started roaring and shouting about how much she's done for me all of my life, how ungrateful I've always been to her, how I've never helped her in her life and she always helps me. I stayed calm and hardly said anyting until I mentioned the cigarettes and the smoking in my house at which point she roared 'Sure your house is always in bits anyway....'
I predicted I'd end up crying and of course I did. My other sister has since rung asking what I've done to upset this sister....
But I actually feel a slight relief...still pretty upset at some of the stuff she said, very little of which I'd put down here...but I'll be ok I think...

Ickle Magoo

Well done you OP. It's hard to stand up to people and boy do they not appreciate it if they are not used to it but next time, hopefully she'll think twice. Suggesting it's acceptable to leave dirty dishes and smoke while as a guest in someones house because of the condition the owner chooses to leave it is a bit rich - sounds like a real charmer.

LegacyUser

The funny thing is my house is never 'in bits'. I am tidy and clean. She, on the other hand, is almost OCD with her cleaning and is one of those people who cannot rest until she uses a tootbrush on the rims of her taps every single day.....she knew that comment would really get to me tho because mam was also obsessed with cleaning (like her) and they often comment about the 'mess' I live in. In comparison to my friends and other family however, my house is immaculate...

Ickle Magoo

Treating you with all the respect she gave your house, not really surprising.

The bottom line is; it doesn't matter what your house looks like. You were doing her a favour letting her use it as a stopping point and she left fag ash and dirty crockery by way of thanks. She can try to dress it up however she likes but the truth of the matter is if she didn't take liberties in the first place, there wouldn't have been an issue - the present situation is entirely her own doing, don't let her try to get you to forget that.

LegacyUser

I should copy&paste your post icklemagoo, to strenghten me in the next few days when I weaken...thanks.
Like I said, feeling good tonight - my other sister has been ringing my mobile all night, but I haven't answered.
What's happened tonight is that she hasn't changed at all.
I have.
She can't handle it so is throwing crap at me to make herself feel better.
Physician heal thyself, eh?

MistyCheese

Unregistered wrote: »

The funny thing is my house is never 'in bits'. I am tidy and clean. She, on the other hand, is almost OCD with her cleaning and is one of those people who cannot rest until she uses a tootbrush on the rims of her taps every single day.....she knew that comment would really get to me tho because mam was also obsessed with cleaning (like her) and they often comment about the 'mess' I live in. In comparison to my friends and other family however, my house is immaculate...

Oh, isn't that lovely, now? She's very conscientious and house-proud when it's her own home but has no respect for yours.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your home. It sounds like it took a lot of courage. If your sis was in any way conscious of your feelings the conversation would have had a lot less shouting about "all she's done for you" and a lot more "I'm sorry that I've overstepped my mark." A compromise could maybe have been reached if she was able to be reasonable instead of lashing out and making vicious comments that she knew would hurt.

LegacyUser

while i've never been in as difficult a position as you are right now, i do know what it's like to be the one in your family that's thought of as a bit mad just for asking for a basic level of respect!

and it is hard to be in that position because obviously you want your family to love and respect you for who you are, but i learned that it doesn't mean that you need to let them walk all over you and treat you in ways that they would never treat other people. just because they're family doesn't mean they should get away with disrespecting you and your home, and if you feel that's happening then you have every right to ask for your key back.

so sometimes you just have to take a stand and tell them how you feel, or they'll just keep taking advantage. then they will think twice about how they treat you in future. but be aware that it may come as a shock to them if you've never really complained about it before - that's why it's better to learn to communicate when you're not happy with something, so in future it doesn't surprise them when they discover the truth. it's not that you need to be disagreeable, but just that you need to be assertive and confident about your wants and needs cause otherwise they'll never know!

often people don't stop to think about how another person might feel about their actions. just because you feel something you're doing is ok doesn't mean anyone else will or should feel the same way. similarly your sister might have thought it was alright to take advantage of you in this way, but it sounds like she never stopped to think about how you felt like your space was being invaded. it's bizarre sometimes how families expect us to give everything and have a tendancy to completely ignore how you feel!

for example i had to ask my parents to please start calling me and arrange when they were going to call over to my place at the weekends as they had gotten into a habit of just arriving without telling me, or calling when they were minutes away on a sunday morning when i wasn't even out of bed yet! this was at a time when i worked in a really stressful job and only had one day off at a time, so getting an early call on my day off to find i had to change any plans to accommodate them started to really get on my nerves.

they have a habit of being spontaneous, but i found that i needed to make plans to handle my free time so that i didn't get stressed and had enough time to chill out after a hard weeks work. so i started to ask them to let me know when they were coming over and made it known that it wasn't ok with me to just arrive at the drop of a hat, of course i love seeing them but i just need some advance notice so i'm not still in my pjs and unprepared for trudging around on whatever venture they have in mind! they didn't see it that way, they just wanted to come spend time with me and didn't realise that what they were doing was making me stressed. and of course then i felt incredibly guilty about it, not wanting to upset them but ultimately it was making me dread their phonecalls and making having a good time with them difficult.

of course they all think i'm nuts for needing to arrange my free time or to make plans instead of being spontaneous, but at this stage they respect my wishes. and it's worth it, despite how they view me, it's not about how they think i should act but about what makes me happiest and less stressed and therefore more likely to have a good time with them!

it sounds to me like this incident is not just about your sister coming into your home smoking and leaving a mess, but about how they treat you in general. i think you know it's time now to ask for their respect and make them aware of your personal boundaries, otherwise they will just continue to treat you the same way as always. of course this is not easy, it's never nice to have to deal with conflict and some of us would rather just get along with everyone, but it's better this way as it avoids conflict in the future when you reach the end of your tether again!

so i know your sisters are upset with you right now, but if you can stay strong and communicate with them how this whole thing makes you feel then hopefully they will respond and treat you with the respect you are asking for. reading up on commumication and conflict might help you if you're not used to this and need a little help. ultimately it will mean a better relationship with them and a much happier you

LegacyUser

Mistycheese, the reason I posted on boards is because I knew how it would go. I knew how she would react. She has been reacting like this for 34years.
She is my sister and I love her but...........

the watchman

Couldn't wait till tomorrow, I wouldn't sleep tonight not knowing lol.


GOOD GIRL OP.
KEEP THAT WAY NOW!

I said.."keep it that way now" lol

Enjoy life now,you did well.
Byeeeeeeeeee.

ps. by the way, I'm driving past your way soon going up country and need somewhere to stay...don't suppose you could leave that key out some where for me...:D:D:D

QuiteInterestin

Congrats on standing up to your sister OP, I'm sure it was hard, especially with the reaction she gave you. You did the right thing though, her reaction to your simple request for the key to your house back confirmed that. Here's my advice for what its worth.

Change the locks anyways. I wouldn't think you're out of the woods yet. I know it wasn't about the key, it was the lack of respect she had for you and your house, but I would still go ahead and get the locks changed. The fact that she gave the key back straight away and you had the locks changed in the past and were reluctant to give her a copy then makes me think she has probably another copy. If she has so little respect as to leave your house in a mess while hers is scrupulously tidy and then tell you that your house is messy makes me think she wouldn't think twice before using it again.

Stand your ground, regardless of what your sister and other sisters say. Just be honest and tell them that you weren't happy with the situation, it was never meant to be a long term arrangement and its your house, your decision. If your sisters try and push you to change your mind point out that you have another sister in the area ( I think you mentioned this in a previous post) , if they think you're being unreasonable,let your sister use her house while shes waiting around for her kids to finish school.

The fact that theres only 2 weeks left in the school term means your sister probably won't push the issue, but will probably sulk and give out about you to your other sisters. You may have to put up with some questioning from your sisters and attitude from the sister in question, but I really hope it doesn't escalate into a rift between you and your sister. Just stay calm! Hopefully over the summer it won't be an issue and it'll have time to settle down. It may become an issue again come September, but once again stand your ground and try not to be guilted into changing your mind, even if your sister promises to change her behaviour while in your house (doubtful as she doesn't seem to think its wrong) or begins commenting about having her children hanging around in the cold for an hour after finishing school, or having to change schools and leave their friends because of the new set up etc. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but some people will resort to all tactics to get their way.

Good luck with it anyways, hope it all works out .

A.Partridge

no_worries! wrote: »

while i've never been in as difficult a position as you are right now, i do know what it's like to be the one in your family that's thought of as a bit mad just for asking for a basic level of respect!

and it is hard to be in that position because obviously you want your family to love and respect you for who you are, but i learned that it doesn't mean that you need to let them walk all over you and treat you in ways that they would never treat other people. just because they're family doesn't mean they should get away with disrespecting you and your home, and if you feel that's happening then you have every right to ask for your key back.

so sometimes you just have to take a stand and tell them how you feel, or they'll just keep taking advantage. then they will think twice about how they treat you in future. but be aware that it may come as a shock to them if you've never really complained about it before - that's why it's better to learn to communicate when you're not happy with something, so in future it doesn't surprise them when they discover the truth. it's not that you need to be disagreeable, but just that you need to be assertive and confident about your wants and needs cause otherwise they'll never know!

often people don't stop to think about how another person might feel about their actions. just because you feel something you're doing is ok doesn't mean anyone else will or should feel the same way. similarly your sister might have thought it was alright to take advantage of you in this way, but it sounds like she never stopped to think about how you felt like your space was being invaded. it's bizarre sometimes how families expect us to give everything and have a tendancy to completely ignore how you feel!

for example i had to ask my parents to please start calling me and arrange when they were going to call over to my place at the weekends as they had gotten into a habit of just arriving without telling me, or calling when they were minutes away on a sunday morning when i wasn't even out of bed yet! this was at a time when i worked in a really stressful job and only had one day off at a time, so getting an early call on my day off to find i had to change any plans to accommodate them started to really get on my nerves.

they have a habit of being spontaneous, but i found that i needed to make plans to handle my free time so that i didn't get stressed and had enough time to chill out after a hard weeks work. so i started to ask them to let me know when they were coming over and made it known that it wasn't ok with me to just arrive at the drop of a hat, of course i love seeing them but i just need some advance notice so i'm not still in my pjs and unprepared for trudging around on whatever venture they have in mind! they didn't see it that way, they just wanted to come spend time with me and didn't realise that what they were doing was making me stressed. and of course then i felt incredibly guilty about it, not wanting to upset them but ultimately it was making me dread their phonecalls and making having a good time with them difficult.

of course they all think i'm nuts for needing to arrange my free time or to make plans instead of being spontaneous, but at this stage they respect my wishes. and it's worth it, despite how they view me, it's not about how they think i should act but about what makes me happiest and less stressed and therefore more likely to have a good time with them!

it sounds to me like this incident is not just about your sister coming into your home smoking and leaving a mess, but about how they treat you in general. i think you know it's time now to ask for their respect and make them aware of your personal boundaries, otherwise they will just continue to treat you the same way as always. of course this is not easy, it's never nice to have to deal with conflict and some of us would rather just get along with everyone, but it's better this way as it avoids conflict in the future when you reach the end of your tether again!

so i know your sisters are upset with you right now, but if you can stay strong and communicate with them how this whole thing makes you feel then hopefully they will respond and treat you with the respect you are asking for. reading up on commumication and conflict might help you if you're not used to this and need a little help. ultimately it will mean a better relationship with them and a much happier you

This is one of the best replies I've seen on this thread.

Yes OP...it is all about respect for you as a person.

A couple of things. Well done on getting your key back. That will be the end of it. If it isn't, and you come home to find that your sis is standing in your kitchen drinking your coffee and smoking her brains out (if she has another copy) then you have every right to have an epileptic fit on the spot.

By the way, if your other sisters are giving you grief about this then why don't YOU ask for THEIR house keys...just say that you want to be able to drop in unannounced any time to use the toilet...make some coffee, maybe even sample some biscuits or rustle yourself up a sandwich...and just wait til you see their reaction to that proposal!:D

LegacyUser

Firstly no worries, thanks for that. Never a truer word said. It's that whole family dynamic isn't it? Where you come in a family, how others preceive you as the youngest (weakest??) or the oldest (strongest?). I've battled with this for years and doubt I'll ever 'win', although I guess that's the wrong expression. I have had other issues with this sister that I won't mention here. Although like I said, she chose to send her kids to the school nearer to me, and it's ultimately up to her to sort the issue of that hour out, for herself.
Someone else said stuff about family and if you can't help family out, then who can you help (cant remember the exact words). We're not a close family. I don't have that in-built closeness with my sisters - yes, I'm there for them, and they are there for me should anything happen, but we dont see much of each other, or communicate daily with each other etc.

And thanks quiteinteresing....you're right about summer holidays starting soon (3wks today) and right about her giving out about me for the next 3wks to whoever will listen. Her youngest is however starting that school in sept, so she will have one at 1.30 and two at 2.30 for the next 3yrs..trying not to think about that just now. Im still a bit emotional..but I'm sure I'll be fine....she's not the type to confront me directly again, I'll hear stuff through my sisters or friends I imagine...anyway,, glad I did it and thank again.

LegacyUser

I think you are being extremely selfish and mean op.
your sister was good enough to help you in the beginning when you needed help when you were busy at work and needed workers to be let into your home. now that she needs a little help you are pretty much saying fcuk you and your kids. your sister is not a mind reader. you could simply ask to tidy up after herself and then failing that ask for the key back. no! you want to launch into taking the key and pretty much saying you're not welcome here again.

maybe someday when you have kids you might understand how hard it is. that hour between junior infants and 1st class is a nightmare. on fine day you could possibly go to the beach, the library if theres one nearby and if opening times suit, coffeeshop maybe. you want to leave your sister high and dry with your nieces/nephews and to force her to possibly go to a nearby coffeeshop everyday and spend money that is tight.

anniehoo

OP if it was me id simply say (after you've changed the locks) that you've been informed that theres been a spate of burglaries in the area and every resident has been advised to change their locks.

No confrontation, no mess, no fuss! All this talk about "you should say this and that" is all very well online but doesnt wash in real life.

Your sis wont ask more than twice for a new key,after that is embarrassing (i can think of more than 2 excuses for not finding the time to get a new key cut ). Sorted!

Denimgirl

anniehoo wrote: »

OP if it was me id simply say (after you've changed the locks) that you've been informed that theres been a spate of burglaries in the area and every resident has been advised to change their locks.

No confrontation, no mess, no fuss! All this talk about "you should say this and that" is all very well online but doesnt wash in real life.

Your sis wont ask more than twice for a new key,after that is embarrassing (i can think of more than 2 excuses for not finding the time to get a new key cut ). Sorted!

too late OP already told her and there was a big row!

anniehoo

Denimgirl wrote: »

too late OP already told her and there was a big row!

Crap! Read most of the thread..not the important bit obviously!

anniehoo

Right fair play, scrap what i said before. You were honest, that takes balls.If your sister is any kind of person she wont stay mad for long.Again..fair play!

Denimgirl

anniehoo wrote: »

Crap! Read most of the thread..not the important bit obviously!

It was good advise though it is easy to say tell her this tell her that! and it's her sister at he end of the day

LegacyUser

well done OP. Dont worry about the rant - that was just her trying to make you feel guilty so you'd back down again -DON'T.
I mean for her to say that youve done nothing for her after she's been using your house as a drop-in centre for over a year takes the biscuit. Whatever anyone else thinks, someone using my house like that would annoy the hell out of me. I like my privacy.

As for your other sister, well she's had one side of the story, no doubt a very one-sided part. And if she gives you any hassle well tell her to allow your sister to use her house instead seens as you said earlier that she lives close by the school too. Dont let other family members make you back down - i know how sometimes all the family gang up and make you feel like you're in the wrong. Well you arent, so remember that and enjoy your home from now on