How to get my key back?

LegacyUser

Any ideas about this situation?

I bought a new place last year and gave my sister my spare key at the time. It was great when I moved in first because she's a stay at home mam, and was able to let the tiler/painter into the house etc, while I was in work. So she really helped me out, and I appreciate that.
However, her kids go to the school beside my home and she had asked on a few occassions if I minded her grabbing a quick cup of tea in my place as one child was off at 1.30, the other at 2.30, so she was at a loose end right beside my home for that hour. I said no problem of course.
However, this then got to the stage that she stopped asking if it was ok to drop into my house, and I would arrive home to find cups in the sink and cigarette buts in my bin (Im a non-smoker). This kinda p*ssed me off, but she'd casually mention at the weekend that she'd dropped in on wednesday and friday as she knows I don't mind....

So roll forward a year and she's still doing it. Her youngest child is starting school this sept so she will have the school set-up (one at 1.30, two at 2.30) for another 3yrs. I hate the fact that she just drops into my home without even asking anymore.
I know some of you might be thinking just ask her for the key back. I did this a while back, using an excuse that I needed it for something. She proceeded to tell me that she'd just get a copy cut for herself in case I ever needed her to drop around when I was in work....I've dropped hints about friends staying over etc (meaning for her not to drop into my house that day) and I've point blank asked her not to drop in unless she tells me as my house is a mess. But still, she continues to drop in when I'm not there.
I don't want to fall out with her over this but it really annoys me that she uses my home like a drop-in centre. She wouldn't dare ask my other sister who lives close, if she could use her home this way.
I'm the youngest and have always been treated differently to them.
So please don't say 'You need to sit your sister down and tell her you're uncomfortable with her in your home while you're not there'. I've tried this, but it's fallen on deaf ears....any ideas?????? And am I over reacting? Would any of you be happy with a family member making themselves a cuppa while you weren't there???

johanz

Change locks.

ManOfMystery

Your home is YOUR home. Family or not, she shouldn't be overstepping her welcome and letting herself in uninvited - it's plain rude.

As above, change your locks or else explicitly tell your sister that you're uncomfortable with anyone being in your house without your knowledge.

LegacyUser

I've kind of already said this to her and she genuinely doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Her answer was 'But sure there's no one there anyway, so what difference does it make if I drop in??? - Sure aren't I keeping an eye on the place for you (I have no alarm)'
It's like she has an answer for everytime I try to stop it.
AND I've changed the locks (cost me a fortune and was only pretending the lock was broken) - should have mentioned that - and she made a point of dropping around that day and asking for her spare....

I can't explain it - it's just the way she treats me - she has a ferocious temper and I really don't want to fall out with her over this but I have no more excuses left. On one occassion, when she didn't have my key (can't remember why), she rang me and was in the reception of my job saying she was just passing and could she grab my key off me and she'd leave it in with my neighbour before she leaves....

I know I'm being treated like a doormat....
does anyone else have a sister like this? I feel like I can't say No unless I have a valid reason...

How Strange

If discussing it with her is out of the question then change the locks. Tell her your bag was stolen with the keys in it so they had to be changed. In an ideal world we could all just sit down, air our greivances without anyone getting upset. In the real world it's not always so simple.

Riskymove

How Strange wrote: »

If discussing it with her is out of the question then change the locks. Tell her your bag was stolen with the keys in it so they had to be changed. In an ideal world we could all just sit down, air our greivances without anyone getting upset. In the real world it's not always so simple.

tbh i think that would just delay the issue...she is likely to ask for a spare of the new key for the same reasons as having the present key

the OP then has to come up with reasons for not giving her a key

I am afraid I think its best that the OP ask her sister not to just drop in unannounced anymore

johanz

Change locks and tell the truth. She won't have a comeback then. Petty lies won't help. You tried to be nice to her, you failed. Stop being a nice doormat, grow some spikes.
Change locks, don't give her the key and be done with it. If someone just doesn't listen, action has to be taken.

Ickle Magoo

I've kind of already said this to her

There is no point in "kind of" telling her anything. You need to say clearly and firmly that her using your flat as a cafe is annoying you and it must stop, immediately. Tell her to stop doing it or the locks will be changed and she won't be given a spare, then do that. Find someone else to "mind" the flat so she hasn't got that over you. I think she's going to hit the roof so it might be worth pointing out that if she hadn't taken your generosity and run with it for over a year taking the absolute p!ss leaving dirty dishes in the sink and smoking in a non-smokers house then you wouldn't have needed to say anything.

Best of luck.

seamus

Unregistered wrote: »

Would any of you be happy with a family member making themselves a cuppa while you weren't there???

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest tbh, but if they were making a mess and not cleaning it up or smoking in the house I'd tell them to cop on and if they continued I'd straight out demand my key back.

Changing the locks is taking the easy way out. Straight out, call over to her house and tell her you want your key back. Don't listen to whatever answers she's giving you - you're not happy with her dropping into your house, so whatever she thinks is irrelevant.

LegacyUser

All of the above is easier said than done.

For me to say I want my key back and not have a reason is already filling with me with dread. She will immediately 'attack' me (not physcially) and there will be a screaming match and I'll end up in tears and ....need I go on..this is exactly the situation I've been trying to avoid for a year. Having said that, if I had just been man (woman) enough to tell her she wasn't getting my key at the start, I wouldn't be in this predicament. Though like I said, she was doing me a favour back then...

I went home yesterday an she had tapped her cigarette ash down my loo which is something my dad would have done back in the 80s'...I'm just at the end of my tether with her...

Miss Fluff

seamus wrote: »

Changing the locks is taking the easy way out. Straight out, call over to her house and tell her you want your key back.

I don't think it's the easy way out necessarily as she is bound to know she is taking the p1ss what with her smoking and leaving empty dishes. She knows she is taking a liberty. I'd hazard a guess that has a spare "spare" anyway tbh so telling her outright might not necessarily keep her at bay. Change the locks and tell her you have changed them and that she can't come around any more unfortunately because.....[insert appropriate lame excuse here]

LeahK

Its different when you're the youngest, I have trouble standing up to my family members too,its something thats in built into you all your life. You do as your told and you dont talk back. If you do you are made feel guilty!

There is no quick fix for this and if its not this key issue then it will be something else.This is obviously annoying you to bits, but unfortunately theres only one way of getting the key back other than sneakily taking it back without her knowing.

You dont want to go down this route. Listen, older siblings think they know everything about you,whats best for you etc but nows the time for you to stand up for yourself. Easier said than done I know. Next time your sister pops in unannounced, sit her down nicely with a cuppa and ask for your key back. Say its nothing personal but you would rather be the only keyholder for the house for security and privacy reasons. Dont budge if she starts making excuses, its YOUR house and you can do as you please with it. If she is going to fall out with you over this that really is her problem..

Dont lie about why your doing it and dont go in all guns blazing. Just be firm and man up (woman up?) Your a grown woman with her own home that you pay for so you should have the right to know whos in your house and when.

Best of luck OP, i know its hard as hell

johanz

Unregistered wrote: »

All of the above is easier said than done.

For me to say I want my key back and not have a reason is already filling with me with dread. She will immediately 'attack' me (not physcially) and there will be a screaming match and I'll end up in tears and ....need I go on..this is exactly the situation I've been trying to avoid for a year. Having said that, if I had just been man (woman) enough to tell her she wasn't getting my key at the start, I wouldn't be in this predicament. Though like I said, she was doing me a favour back then...

I went home yesterday an she had tapped her cigarette ash down my loo which is something my dad would have done back in the 80s'...I'm just at the end of my tether with her...

Then if you're such a pussy and can't handle that, let her go to your apartment and leave a mess.
Since if you can't do anything, why are you even asking? We gave you enough advice I think.

tbh

you can either tell her straight out that you don't want her using your house like that, or you can suck it up. There is no third option. You've already said you're not prepared to do the first, so my advice is learn how to do the second. Otherwise this issue - which, isn't really a big deal to the impartial observer - is going to continue to wreck your head until you get to the bursting stage.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be annoyed, btw, but you also have to be realistic. I understand why you feel you can't just tell her to f- off, but if you can't, then you need to be practical.

Everything has a price. The price for you keeping your place to yourself is your sister losing her temper with you (she'll get over it). The price for you living a quiet life is letting your sister knock around.

btw - I'd tell her that if she smokes in your house again, the deal is off. She can't really complain about that.

StormWarrior

I don't understand what the problem is. Your sister sounds like my aunt, always taking liberties if people let her and causing a fuss. These people don't stop until you stop pandering to them. Change the locks and tell her that she cannot come around uninvited any more as:
a. It's your home not a coffee shop.
b. She smokes and leaves a mess which is completely unacceptable and is ruining your enjoyment of your home.
c. Having someone in and out as they see fit is an invasion of your privacy and this has been going on way too long.

You tell her that if you want her over, you'll invite her.

You can say all of this in a pleasant tone of voice, you don't have to be rude. If she starts an argument or whatever, then just walk away/hang up, you are an adult with your own home, you don't have to listen to this. If you're not willing to stand up for yourself then just carry on letting her walk all over you, you've had enough advice here. If she stops talking to you or something because of this, then you are better off without her anyway. If you can't stand up for yourself over this, then I dread to think how you let people take advantage of you in other areas of your life, look on this as a test of character.

Whispered

OP, would you feel better about it if your sister kept dropping in but respected your home more?

Could you tell her that you appreciate her "keeping an eye" on your flat but she needs to not smoke in it? You could say that your landlord called in and said that part of your contract was no smoking in the house as it ruins carpets, walls, ceilings etc. Or if you own it, tell her you're thinking about painting/changing the carpets, as the place "smells so stale". Then ask would she mind not smoking in your house to see if that helps before you go spending money on it.

I know it's pussyfooting around her and I think it would be better if you were straight with her, but thats obviously difficult in this situation.

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

All of the above is easier said than done.

For me to say I want my key back and not have a reason is already filling with me with dread.

You have a reason, her treating the place as a drop in centre is doing your head in. So what if she goes mental, she doesn't have an unquestionable right to have access to your home - if she thinks she does then that's all the more reason to tell her otherwise. If you change the locks, she will go nuts, if you tell her you don't want her coming round, she'll go nuts, if you don't do anything, you'll go nuts. I think facing her going nuts and standing up to her is your only option and if you do it, she may think twice about taking you for granted in the future.

Taltos

Time to stop making excuses here OP.

1. Change the lock - again - not that expensive...
2. When asked for the spare - just reply . "No" - calmly and politely.

Will she throw a fit? Yup

Bigger question is WHY do you let her control you?
You are both adults - and if one of you chooses to act like a spoilt child - well just walk away.

As an adult - you do NOT have to give a reason for any of your decisions. - So no KEY - end of discussion. It is your apartment, not her doss house. She will just have to make other arrangements. You have been good enough up to now - but are well into the being used territory.

I mean - not doing something because you are afraid of the reaction - why the hell do you think she reacts like that... It is to keep you scared and under her control... So when she rants - laugh and walk away - I mean it - treat her like you would treat a misbehaving two year old - you can't spank them anymore - but you can laugh and let them know how stupid they are behaving.

ps Other option is to leave loads of inappropriate materials around for her kids to find... if you know what I mean...

LegacyUser

There's no landlord, it's my own home...

I'd hate to use the smoking as an issue because (no doubt) she'd still arrive and leave bits of sugar and coffee on the counter top once she'd finished making her coffee...it's always something with her..
Perhaps I should have given the thread a different title, because I realise that this isn't really about the key, it's about how she treats me.
Leah, you were right, it's so difficult when you're the youngest. No matter what age I am, I'm always the youngest and they seem to think they can still boss me around although I am a grown woman with my own home.
Unless you're the youngest yourself, it's hard to explain.
She was there again today because she just sent a text telling me I'm out of milk (she obviously just used the last bit)....
Right I'm going to say something to her tonight.
I'm dreading it, but it has to be said...

cafecolour

I wouldn't care if people were having tea in my house when I wasn't there, but I'd tell them not to smoke in it (in no uncertain terms).

Do you actually care that she's coming by when you aren't there? Or is it more of all of you playing out old issues? (Mom, XXXX keeps borrowing my XXXX without asking!)

Once permission is granted it's much harder to retract (as you've discovered). Your sister asked multiple times initially and you said okay (because you didn't care or because you felt pressured?). She decided you didn't care so she started dropping by unannounced but casually mentioning it after to see if it was still okay - no reaction from you, so it seemed it was okay and you didn't care.

So to you, I think you felt pressured into it initially, and have slowly been getting annoyed until it's getting to the bursting point. To her, you didn't care for almost a year now, and suddenly now you are getting annoyed and she doesn't understand why if nothing has happened (and you haven't cared) for nearly a year. Plus it's convenient for her, so she's just going to dismiss your concerns and assume you'll get over it and be fine again.

LegacyUser

Cafecolour, it's like I said in my previous reply, the issue isn't really the key. The issue is she is taking complete advantage of me as always.
Although yes I do care that she's in my home when I'm not there. I'd never in a million years ask anyone (including her) for their key so that I could 'kill an hour' during the daytime. I'd never ask anyone if I could use their home while they weren't there.
This sister uses everybody to her own advantage, and I'm probably top of her list. She's a taker....and a gob****e obviously...(pardon the language).

Denimgirl

You could tell her a little white lie to save a lot of uncomfortable feelings,Just say that your keys got snatched in the garden or out of the front door and you have to change the locks.I don't think your sister realises you are concerned about this and i bet she would be offended if you said this to her personally as long as my sister was'nt a snoop I would'nt mind her sitting in the house for an hour having a cup od tea and a smohat she is in your house while she waits for her child,she's doing no harm and she is your sister I'm sure she'd do anything for you if you asked her.Plus it's good that she is in and out of your house during the day while it's empty you never know whose watching instead of an empty house all day. but it's your call.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl, you honestly wouldn't mind if your sister sat in your house every single day with her child...made herself a cuppa, put cigarette ashes down your loo etc....??
Honestly?

And sorry, but she wouldn't do it for me...not a hope. And she knows I'd never dream of asking her.

johanz

Denimgirl wrote: »

You could tell her a little white lie to save a lot of uncomfortable feelings,Just say that your keys got snatched in the garden or out of the front door and you have to change the locks.I don't think your sister realises you are concerned about this and i bet she would be offended if you said this to her personally as long as my sister was'nt a snoop I would'nt mind her sitting in the house for an hour having a cup od tea and a smohat she is in your house while she waits for her child,she's doing no harm and she is your sister I'm sure she'd do anything for you if you asked her.Plus it's good that she is in and out of your house during the day while it's empty you never know whose watching instead of an empty house all day. but it's your call.

If you read the thread, you'd know that OP already did lie and not once.
And she not only has a cup of *drink*, she leaves a mess. It seems that op is annoyed by the mess she leaves, not what she does while he's away.

gazzer

TBH It wouldnt bother me if I had a family member pop into my house while I was in work, especially if I had no alarm. I would feel that bit safer that there was somebody keeping an eye on my house.

However, I would definately have issue with them leaving a mess and smoking in the house. Could you perhaps mention this to your sister and say that you dont mind her dropping in but would she leave the place as she found it and if she wants to smoke to do it outside?

trio

OP, it sounds like you just have to put up with it.

Because you're not really willing to do anything about it.

And there's not a lot of choices here - either you change the locks and tell her that you don't want her in the house anymore, OR you continue as is.

Personally, she's not really doing anything that serious. She's drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. You could ask her to smoke outside?

Also, she really does need somewhere to hang for an hour whilst waiting for the 2nd kid. What is she going to do if you ban her from the house? Wait in the car? That's going to make you come across as a total bitch to your whole family.

Seems to me that you want her to say "I'm going to be in the house today if that's OK". But you've already told her it's OK. Do you really want her to text you every single time? You can see how that might come across as being a bit unneccessary.

Honestly I do think this has more to do with you being the youngest and not really liking your sister that much. So you've got the hump.

But from an outsiders perspective it's not that dramatic. Just ask her to smoke outside cos it's beginning to stink, and to wash up her coffee cups. She can hardly go mental over that, especially if you say it to her when you're both in good form.

StormWarrior

You could install a cigarette fire alarm, so that she will be put off smoking in the house? Have it put up somewhere so high that she can't take the batteries out.

LegacyUser

good idea about the cigarette fire alarm lol.

I actually do mind her being in my house when I'm not there though.
I genuinely do.
It's her attitude that annoys me too - she assumes I won't mind. I said last year (after she had already been in my house a few times without asking) that I'd rather she asked me in case I'd left the place in a mess etc, but nope, she still continues to use my home as a drop in centre.
And with respect, yes, she is my sister, but it's not my responsibility to accomodate her for that hour. She choose to send her kids to the school nearer to me. She has a school nearer her own home but she made a choice once again (assuming) that she could hang around at my house after school (I was renting in that area before I bought).
I'm saying something to her this evening after she has just taken my last bit of milk.
No doubt there will be an argument but I've had enough.

LeahK

Then if you're such a pussy and can't handle that, let her go to your apartment and leave a mess.
Since if you can't do anything, why are you even asking? We gave you enough advice I think

I dont really think this is helpful or useful TBH

I always find it funny how comfortable people are with "confrontation" when speaking from behind a computer. Also just because the OP doesnt like conflict with her sister doesnt make her a "pussy". I also think its unfair to say this is all because she dislikes her sister!!

I think the OP knows whats she needs to do as shes hinted around it before...Its really a matter of her getting over X amount of years as the youngest and dominated sibling and standing up for herself.

Your brothers and sisters know you best and they know how to get under your skin. Be strong OP! If shes screams and shouts just tell her calmly that you will discuss it with her further when she calms down. Dont be bullied into a row over this.

Let us know how you get on!

johanz

LeahK wrote: »

I dont really think this is helpful or useful TBH

I always find it funny how comfortable people are with "confrontation" when speaking from behind a computer. Also just because the OP doesnt like conflict with her sister doesnt make her a "pussy". I also think its unfair to say this is all because she dislikes her sister!!

But OP is a male as far as I know.

LeahK

But OP is a male as far as I know.

I think the OP is a woman, plus I fail to see what difference that would make either way.

LegacyUser

OP here - I'm female, not that it should make a difference.

johanz

Well then, either tell her to behave or get out, or just accept what she does.

That's it, there is NO more options.

Kidchameleon

OP let us know how you get on after you chat to her. To be honest, if one of my family was doing that to me id hate it, especially the cigarettes.

seamus

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP let us know how you get on after you chat to her. To be honest, if one of my family was doing that to me id hate it, especially the cigarettes.

Now, to be fair her sister may not be smoking in the house. My sister-in-law has a key to our house and when she's over I know she smokes outside, puts the cigarette under the tap to put it out and then puts the butt in the bin. We know she doesn't smoke inside because my wife has the nose of a bloodhound and because my SIL is just not that kind of person.

The OP of course will know whether or not her sister is smoking inside. That would drive me mad more anything I think.

username123

OP - this is not about the key etc (as youve already said), its about the relationship you have with your sister and how you feel in your role in that relationship.

You are afraid of the consequences of anny kind of confrontation with your sister and youd rather go on being used by her than stand up for yourself. I can tell you right now, that the fear of standing up for yourself is going to be worse than actually standing up for yourself. So what if she makes a fuss, becomes confrontational etc...? Walk away from her if she does, ask her to leave, hang up the phone, whatever - just dont interact unless she stays calm.

I think your best bet is to change the locks then refuse to hand over a new key. Its going to be harder to get the old key out of her than change the locks.

But you need to look at why you are afraid of confrontation with your sister. Do you really hate confrontation of any kind and why? Has your role in your relationship with her always been defined by her losing the head and barraging you until you crack and cry? If so - why not change that now? You cannot change your sister, but you can definitely change yourself - stop 'reacting' to her behaviours.
Do you badly need her approval, are you afraid that she will turn the whole family against you, do you think she will make your life some kind of misery if you stand up too her?

Well she is making your life a misery now, so it could hardly be any worse. You get what you settle for, and people will treat you as you allow them to, its up to YOU to set boundaries.

I dont doubt the first time you stand up to her is going to be fairly mega in terms of her reaction - she wont like you trying to change out of the doormat role and will have an over the top reaction to try and force you back in your place, but if you hold steady she will respect you and be less inclined to walk on you in the future.

Just stand up for yourself, you may have short swift confrontations in life, but they are much easier than years of being walked on.

AnonoBoy

Tell her you have a friend staying over and need to give them the key for a day or two, then conveniently 'forget' to give it back to your sister or have your friend 'accidentally' lose it.

johanz

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Tell her you have a friend staying over and need to give them the key for a day or two, then conveniently 'forget' to give it back to your sister or have your friend 'accidentally' lose it.

You can just duplicate the original one.

Denimgirl

No honestly,I would'nt mind at all my sister coming in the house for an hour a day as I said as long as she's not a snoop and rooting around my house I don't see the problem I'd be telling her to clean up after herself though if she was leaving a mess behind, it would be no skin off my nose for her to sit there for 60 mins.I'm very famliy orientated though and I would do anything for my family, as you said she has done some favours for you when you needed her she was there.I can see it annoys some people but it truly would'nt bother me at all.not a big deal.

LegacyUser

If you can't count on you're family then who the can you count on.

WOW an hour or two in your house a day when you're not there while she waits for her kids.
ask her to smoke outside and not make a mess.

let's hope you'll be as understanding as you are now when you have children, cos when you have kids you will have to juggle you're time, tend to their needs and forget about you're own needs at times just so you're kids get back from school ok. wander around the shops for an hour without needing to buy anything and not even into window shopping and spend a small fortune on coffee,tea etc.

That hour she is spending in you're home is probably alot less stressful and less tiring for her.
I'm sure if my sister was thinking about me in this manner I would feel hurt.

the watchman

OK 0k.
Just happened on this thread.
OP have you told her yet????????
I'm on the edge of my seat here. Change the locks and no key for sis. I tell you after the row that may ensue (or not) as time goes by you will feel much better and empowered. You might loose a sister, maybe or maybe not, you have no control over that.
I'll be thinking of you tonight and will hit the thread tomorrow to see what happened. Good luck ,go for it..or you will never have peace.:pac:

Chinafoot

Unregistered wrote: »

she still continues to use my home as a drop in centre.

Because you are allowing her to do so. You had the perfect opportunity to stand up to her when she asked for the new key after you changed the locks but you didn't. Your sister isn't a mind reader and just because you wouldn't ask her for the same accommodation doesn't mean she won't ask it of you.
Stop making excuses for her behaviour and your lack of inaction. Nothing will change unless you actually make it happen. "Kind of" saying it to her isn't really good enough.

I hope you do tell her this evening, but I also hope you don't cave in if she gets angry with you. And if you do, well tbh OP, you may learn to suck it up because she has no reason to stop dropping in unless you tell her you don't want her to.

LegacyUser

Right I'm not long home, and there was murder as I knew there would be.

I took alot of advice from here and approached the matter calmly. We were chatting and I said 'By the way, I'd like to get that key back from you please'. Why she asked. Because Im uncomfortable with anyone in my home when I'm not there and I'd like the key back please. At which point she pulled the key off her keyring and threw it at me, calling me all sorts of names. Started roaring and shouting about how much she's done for me all of my life, how ungrateful I've always been to her, how I've never helped her in her life and she always helps me. I stayed calm and hardly said anyting until I mentioned the cigarettes and the smoking in my house at which point she roared 'Sure your house is always in bits anyway....'
I predicted I'd end up crying and of course I did. My other sister has since rung asking what I've done to upset this sister....
But I actually feel a slight relief...still pretty upset at some of the stuff she said, very little of which I'd put down here...but I'll be ok I think...

Ickle Magoo

Well done you OP. It's hard to stand up to people and boy do they not appreciate it if they are not used to it but next time, hopefully she'll think twice. Suggesting it's acceptable to leave dirty dishes and smoke while as a guest in someones house because of the condition the owner chooses to leave it is a bit rich - sounds like a real charmer.

LegacyUser

The funny thing is my house is never 'in bits'. I am tidy and clean. She, on the other hand, is almost OCD with her cleaning and is one of those people who cannot rest until she uses a tootbrush on the rims of her taps every single day.....she knew that comment would really get to me tho because mam was also obsessed with cleaning (like her) and they often comment about the 'mess' I live in. In comparison to my friends and other family however, my house is immaculate...

Ickle Magoo

Treating you with all the respect she gave your house, not really surprising.

The bottom line is; it doesn't matter what your house looks like. You were doing her a favour letting her use it as a stopping point and she left fag ash and dirty crockery by way of thanks. She can try to dress it up however she likes but the truth of the matter is if she didn't take liberties in the first place, there wouldn't have been an issue - the present situation is entirely her own doing, don't let her try to get you to forget that.

LegacyUser

I should copy&paste your post icklemagoo, to strenghten me in the next few days when I weaken...thanks.
Like I said, feeling good tonight - my other sister has been ringing my mobile all night, but I haven't answered.
What's happened tonight is that she hasn't changed at all.
I have.
She can't handle it so is throwing crap at me to make herself feel better.
Physician heal thyself, eh?

MistyCheese

Unregistered wrote: »

The funny thing is my house is never 'in bits'. I am tidy and clean. She, on the other hand, is almost OCD with her cleaning and is one of those people who cannot rest until she uses a tootbrush on the rims of her taps every single day.....she knew that comment would really get to me tho because mam was also obsessed with cleaning (like her) and they often comment about the 'mess' I live in. In comparison to my friends and other family however, my house is immaculate...

Oh, isn't that lovely, now? She's very conscientious and house-proud when it's her own home but has no respect for yours.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your home. It sounds like it took a lot of courage. If your sis was in any way conscious of your feelings the conversation would have had a lot less shouting about "all she's done for you" and a lot more "I'm sorry that I've overstepped my mark." A compromise could maybe have been reached if she was able to be reasonable instead of lashing out and making vicious comments that she knew would hurt.

LegacyUser

while i've never been in as difficult a position as you are right now, i do know what it's like to be the one in your family that's thought of as a bit mad just for asking for a basic level of respect!

and it is hard to be in that position because obviously you want your family to love and respect you for who you are, but i learned that it doesn't mean that you need to let them walk all over you and treat you in ways that they would never treat other people. just because they're family doesn't mean they should get away with disrespecting you and your home, and if you feel that's happening then you have every right to ask for your key back.

so sometimes you just have to take a stand and tell them how you feel, or they'll just keep taking advantage. then they will think twice about how they treat you in future. but be aware that it may come as a shock to them if you've never really complained about it before - that's why it's better to learn to communicate when you're not happy with something, so in future it doesn't surprise them when they discover the truth. it's not that you need to be disagreeable, but just that you need to be assertive and confident about your wants and needs cause otherwise they'll never know!

often people don't stop to think about how another person might feel about their actions. just because you feel something you're doing is ok doesn't mean anyone else will or should feel the same way. similarly your sister might have thought it was alright to take advantage of you in this way, but it sounds like she never stopped to think about how you felt like your space was being invaded. it's bizarre sometimes how families expect us to give everything and have a tendancy to completely ignore how you feel!

for example i had to ask my parents to please start calling me and arrange when they were going to call over to my place at the weekends as they had gotten into a habit of just arriving without telling me, or calling when they were minutes away on a sunday morning when i wasn't even out of bed yet! this was at a time when i worked in a really stressful job and only had one day off at a time, so getting an early call on my day off to find i had to change any plans to accommodate them started to really get on my nerves.

they have a habit of being spontaneous, but i found that i needed to make plans to handle my free time so that i didn't get stressed and had enough time to chill out after a hard weeks work. so i started to ask them to let me know when they were coming over and made it known that it wasn't ok with me to just arrive at the drop of a hat, of course i love seeing them but i just need some advance notice so i'm not still in my pjs and unprepared for trudging around on whatever venture they have in mind! they didn't see it that way, they just wanted to come spend time with me and didn't realise that what they were doing was making me stressed. and of course then i felt incredibly guilty about it, not wanting to upset them but ultimately it was making me dread their phonecalls and making having a good time with them difficult.

of course they all think i'm nuts for needing to arrange my free time or to make plans instead of being spontaneous, but at this stage they respect my wishes. and it's worth it, despite how they view me, it's not about how they think i should act but about what makes me happiest and less stressed and therefore more likely to have a good time with them!

it sounds to me like this incident is not just about your sister coming into your home smoking and leaving a mess, but about how they treat you in general. i think you know it's time now to ask for their respect and make them aware of your personal boundaries, otherwise they will just continue to treat you the same way as always. of course this is not easy, it's never nice to have to deal with conflict and some of us would rather just get along with everyone, but it's better this way as it avoids conflict in the future when you reach the end of your tether again!

so i know your sisters are upset with you right now, but if you can stay strong and communicate with them how this whole thing makes you feel then hopefully they will respond and treat you with the respect you are asking for. reading up on commumication and conflict might help you if you're not used to this and need a little help. ultimately it will mean a better relationship with them and a much happier you

LegacyUser

Mistycheese, the reason I posted on boards is because I knew how it would go. I knew how she would react. She has been reacting like this for 34years.
She is my sister and I love her but...........

the watchman

Couldn't wait till tomorrow, I wouldn't sleep tonight not knowing lol.


GOOD GIRL OP.
KEEP THAT WAY NOW!

I said.."keep it that way now" lol

Enjoy life now,you did well.
Byeeeeeeeeee.

ps. by the way, I'm driving past your way soon going up country and need somewhere to stay...don't suppose you could leave that key out some where for me...:D:D:D