Your anti-jokes go here

Sarky

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Matt Holck

We tired to make you angry
and you got angry

landsleaving

What's black and white, and red all over?
Nothing.

Matt Holck

http://www.pushtofire.com/ulorinvex.html

Sarky

Matt Holck fails at anti-jokes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It was startled by a loud noise and crossed the road to get away from what it thought was a predator.

Deki

A shipwrecked sailor washed ashore on a desert island. He found a bottle half buried in the sand he pulled the cork. Nothing happened. It was empty and he slowly starved to death.

Sarky

Precisely.

jonnybadd

Q: Why don't they sell headache relieving medicine in the jungle?

A: Because by its population per capita it is not financially viable

Matt Holck

what did babelfish say in french?
que le babelfish a-t-il fait disent-ils en français ?

why do artist over react?

because they are sensitive




why I'm I no good at this

because I never cared much for jokes

Poor Uncle Tom

What did one canibal say to the other after eating a clown?

"We'll get in big trouble for this!"

Fago!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The repo man, I've come to take your house and stuff.

Awww man!

PFJSplitter

Q: Why was the prostitute crying?


A: Because it's a natural human reaction during specific emotional turmoil.


Anti-Jokes

casio4

what happened when the volcano erupted?
all flights were cancelled

bigeasyeah

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he's a prick.

Poor Uncle Tom

Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Johnny,
Johnny who?
Johnny who just fell off his bike and needs you to call an ambulance..

casio4

knock knock
who's there?
me
me who?
me I forgot my key

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side

what's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

Cicero

Knock Knock....

I'll get it...

casio4

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman & Paddy Scotsman were all called Paddy

Cicero

A blind man with a parrot on his shoulder went into a pub...walked up to the barman and said...I'd like a pint for myself, and a glass for my parrot...and the barman said.....................................................................................................................................................................

Sure...would you like Ice with that?...................and the blindman said..........................


Yes Please..............

Deki

A rabbi and a priest were involved in a auto accident- a bad one. Amazingly the clerics emerge from the demolished vehicles unhurt. "Gee," said the rabbi,"That was luck!"
"Yes," replied the priest, "Sure was."

Cicero

I'm going to get a 1 day ban for the following:

2 Babies walked into a Gay bar....one turned to the other and said...oh feic..we're in the wrong joke....!!!!

Jesus Wept

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

Glenster

What's brown and sticky?

The inertia in society that makes people post jokes on the internet instead of doing something about the 30,000 children that are trafficked each year.

Poor Uncle Tom

Yes, they should walk instead, it's healthier.

sNarah

Q: What's the difference between homophilia and pedophilia?

A: According to the church - nothing.

bigeasyeah

Q.Why did World War One start?
A.There were numerous reasons.

Q.Why did the dinosaur eat the baby?
A.He didnt.Humans didnt appear untill after the extinction of dinosaurs.

sNarah

An Irish fella, an English geezer and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

They drink the heads of themselves, get into several fights, urinate against the bar get arrested and fined 2500 €.

bigeasyeah

A man caught his wife cheating on him so he killed her and her lover.
He dumped their bodies in a river.
Later he killed himself.

Deki

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in"
"Fine. Can do!" said Larry.

bigeasyeah

Man: Doctor Doctor I feel like Im falling apart.
Doctor: Do you have an appointment?
Man: No
Doctor: Then make one and Ill see you at the allotted time.

Poor Uncle Tom

Did you hear the one about the man who kept shaking his head and shouting obscenities at anyone who came near?

He has Tourettes' Syndrome and one of the side effects of his meds means he has a permanent nervous tick.

bigeasyeah

Q-What did Napoleon the Third say to Chancellor Bismarck after the Franco-Prussian War?
A-Hello Chancellor Bismarck,Im Napoleon the Third.

PFJSplitter

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,



...........she fell asleep on the cold, hard, floor........?

Poor Uncle Tom

Man car
into bar
bought bottle
opened throttle
felt nifty
passed fifty
hit pole
poor soul
doctor nurse
coffin hearse

Hank_Jones

Man: Doctor, Doctor my skin is really itchy.

Doctor: That is because you have a horrible flesh eating disease and are going to die, very soon.



Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it wanted to.

Hank_Jones

Why did the man lose his job?

He had a severe alcohol addiction and couldn't hold his life together.
His wife left him and his children hate him.

Poor Uncle Tom

Hank_Jones wrote: »

Why did the man lose his job?

He had a severe alcohol addiction and couldn't hold his life together.
His wife left him and his children hate him.

But on the plus side, his country music career has taken off...:D

(sorry I counldn't help it..:o)


Q. What do you call a brunette between two blonds?

A. A girl who happened to sit between two friends.

casio4

There were 2 blondes in a lift and they pressed the button that went up to the third floor

KnifeWRENCH

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Did you hear about the blonde who went to college?
She graduated four years later with a first class honours degree in Theoretical Physics and went on to have a successful career.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

casio4

Doctor Doctor I don't feel well,
it's probably the flu:(

Cicero

The people who invented 1up, 2up, 3up, 4up, 5up & 6up......all died horrible deaths....

casio4

Q. What's blue and fluffy?
A. blue fluff

Linoge

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Toasty113

Two plutonium atoms walk into a bar.
Later in life, everyone else in the bar that day died of inoperable tumors.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was trying to commit suicide.

Why didnt the skeleton go to the ball?
Because it had very low self esteem.

A man walks up to a girl in a bar and slips some rohypnol in her drink.

What do you call a female pilot.
A pilot

Whats black, blue and red all over?
A person being beaten to death

Whats red and itchy?
An STI

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Now get in the van, I have a knife

An English man and Irish man and a Scots man walk into a bar.
They all get into a bar brawl and suffer some minor injuries

katkin

Q. What do you get if you cross a cat and rabbit?

A. Nothing. Animals of different species can't interbreed. Even if a cat was mated to a rabbit and the egg was fertilized, it would die after a few cell divisions when cell differentiation occurs (when it starts to build the structures of the body) since the cat genes and rabbit genes give conflicting instructions and the embryo cannot work out what sort of creature to build.

landsleaving

Toasty113 wrote: »

Two plutonium atoms walk into a bar.
Later in life, everyone else in the bar that day died of inoperable tumors.

Not an anti-joke. I laughed.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he was busy that night.

Why was the skeleton in the closet?
Because his parents were narrow minded and would kick him out, leaving him homeless, if he revealed his sexual orientation.

Matt Holck

oh no not again

PFJSplitter

рогалик - crescent-shaped roll

EdwardNigahans

Horse walks into a bar and does a massive sh1t. The landlord gets angry, bottles him and then gets 6 months for animal cruelty.

Matt Holck

http://voltic.com/P/recordings/laugh2.wav

Hank_Jones

Guy goes in to talk to the doctor. The doctor says ''you've got cancer''.