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Your anti-jokes go here

  • 15-04-2010 12:10AM
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭


    Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

    A man walks into a pub.
    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

    How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One.


«134

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    We tired to make you angry
    and you got angry


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,345 ✭✭✭landsleaving


    What's black and white, and red all over?
    Nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭Sarky


    Matt Holck fails at anti-jokes.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: It was startled by a loud noise and crossed the road to get away from what it thought was a predator.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 44,501 ✭✭✭✭Deki


    A shipwrecked sailor washed ashore on a desert island. He found a bottle half buried in the sand he pulled the cork. Nothing happened. It was empty and he slowly starved to death.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭Sarky


    Precisely.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,295 ✭✭✭jonnybadd


    Q: Why don't they sell headache relieving medicine in the jungle?

    A: Because by its population per capita it is not financially viable


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    what did babelfish say in french?
    que le babelfish a-t-il fait disent-ils en français ?

    why do artist over react?

    because they are sensitive




    why I'm I no good at this

    because I never cared much for jokes


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,547 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    What did one canibal say to the other after eating a clown?

    "We'll get in big trouble for this!"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,647 ✭✭✭✭Fago!


    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    The repo man, I've come to take your house and stuff.

    Awww man!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,575 ✭✭✭✭PFJSplitter


    Q: Why was the prostitute crying?


    A: Because it's a natural human reaction during specific emotional turmoil.


    Anti-Jokes


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,300 ✭✭✭✭casio4


    what happened when the volcano erupted?
    all flights were cancelled


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭bigeasyeah


    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because he's a prick.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,547 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Knock Knock,
    Who's there?
    Johnny,
    Johnny who?
    Johnny who just fell off his bike and needs you to call an ambulance..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,300 ✭✭✭✭casio4


    knock knock
    who's there?
    me
    me who?
    me I forgot my key

    why did the chicken cross the road?
    to get to the other side

    what's pink and fluffy?
    pink fluff


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,144 ✭✭✭✭Cicero


    Knock Knock....

    I'll get it...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,300 ✭✭✭✭casio4


    Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman & Paddy Scotsman were all called Paddy


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,144 ✭✭✭✭Cicero


    A blind man with a parrot on his shoulder went into a pub...walked up to the barman and said...I'd like a pint for myself, and a glass for my parrot...and the barman said.....................................................................................................................................................................

    Sure...would you like Ice with that?...................and the blindman said..........................


    Yes Please..............


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 44,501 ✭✭✭✭Deki


    A rabbi and a priest were involved in a auto accident- a bad one. Amazingly the clerics emerge from the demolished vehicles unhurt. "Gee," said the rabbi,"That was luck!"
    "Yes," replied the priest, "Sure was."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,144 ✭✭✭✭Cicero


    I'm going to get a 1 day ban for the following:

    2 Babies walked into a Gay bar....one turned to the other and said...oh feic..we're in the wrong joke....!!!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: One.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,626 ✭✭✭Glenster


    What's brown and sticky?

    The inertia in society that makes people post jokes on the internet instead of doing something about the 30,000 children that are trafficked each year.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,547 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Yes, they should walk instead, it's healthier.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,570 ✭✭✭sNarah


    Q: What's the difference between homophilia and pedophilia?

    A: According to the church - nothing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭bigeasyeah


    Q.Why did World War One start?
    A.There were numerous reasons.

    Q.Why did the dinosaur eat the baby?
    A.He didnt.Humans didnt appear untill after the extinction of dinosaurs.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,570 ✭✭✭sNarah


    An Irish fella, an English geezer and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

    They drink the heads of themselves, get into several fights, urinate against the bar get arrested and fined 2500 €.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭bigeasyeah


    A man caught his wife cheating on him so he killed her and her lover.
    He dumped their bodies in a river.
    Later he killed himself.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 44,501 ✭✭✭✭Deki


    Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
    "Great. Where do you live?"
    "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in"
    "Fine. Can do!" said Larry.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭bigeasyeah


    Man: Doctor Doctor I feel like Im falling apart.
    Doctor: Do you have an appointment?
    Man: No
    Doctor: Then make one and Ill see you at the allotted time.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,547 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Did you hear the one about the man who kept shaking his head and shouting obscenities at anyone who came near?

    He has Tourettes' Syndrome and one of the side effects of his meds means he has a permanent nervous tick.


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