Funny things old people say by mistake

irishhigh

My Great Aunt was a complete moan but just before she died she got worse, It was like she knew she was going to kick the bucket, so she had to get as much Bítching in as possible.

Watching the news with her one evening not long before she went, there was a feature on it about a gay rights march! Your one pipes up...."This world has gone mad with all these Gays, Listbeans and Transistors!", I was laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. When I finally pulled myself together and Told her it was Gay, Lesbien and transexual, I was in fits again, she looked at me, really pissed off and said "I don't know what your laughing at....Your uncle is one!.....I'm still wondering to this day which one:D Gay or transexual

bazmaiden

irishhigh wrote: »

My Great Aunt was a complete moan but just before she died she got worse, It was like she knew she was going to kick the bucket, so she had to get as much Bítching in as possible.

Watching the news with her one evening not long before she went, there was a feature on it about a gay rights march! Your one pipes up...."This world has gone mad with all these Gays, Listbeans and Transistors!", I was laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. When I finally pulled myself together and Told her it was Gay, Lesbien and transexual, I was in fits again, she looked at me, really pissed off and said "I don't know what your laughing at....Your uncle is one!.....I'm still wondering to this day which one:D

Some people say Lesbien:eek:

WindSock

'Erm...I'm not dead yet'

irishhigh

WindSock wrote: »

'Erm...I'm not dead yet'

LOL but we saw you go into the big oven on the convayor belt with the red curtins:(

Pdfile

irishhigh wrote: »

My Great Aunt was a complete moan but just before she died she got worse

well.... she'd hardly get better at it.



im granny was the only non racist old person ive ever met....


Really hated the gays though.... and husbands who don't look after their wifes ( theirs no such a thing as divorce in her head... :eek: )

apart from that ive never heard any old people say anything bad other then racial slur.... But everyones a racist these days.

Mr. Incognito

"I don't want to die."

Funny old dears.

That_Guy

I was at an ATM one day and there was an old lady standing in front of me talking to the machine.

I asked if she needed any help and she said, "No no, I'm just asking the machine how much I need".

God love her. She thought that you just ask the machine how much you wanted. Automatic Teller Machine... Was very funny and the look on her face was priceless.

AnonoBoy

My Australian uncle Mel said some crazy stuff about the Jews a while back when he got pulled over by the cops.

Oh Crazy Uncle Mel, whatever will you do next?

Fago!

In the pub one lunchtime with my Grandad. Someone turned on 50 cent "In Da Club" on the jukeamabox... He shouts out

"Who the **** put on that ****** music!!!!!!"

Hilarious.

The racist ol' coot!

Paddycrumlinman

Old lady (80 or so years old)across the road came into the house years ago and had a coffee and a smoke before she went to "Wiggies" to get her hair cut.

The hairdressers was in fact Ziggy's!!

I fell around laughing at her...

mikom

One 89 year old granny I know has a habit of saying..... "Come back to me next year and the crack will be ninety".

That_Guy

mikom wrote: »

One 89 year old granny I know has a habit of saying..... "Come back to me next year and the crack will be ninety".

Pics?

irishhigh

The same old aunt in op was telling everyone when her husband had gone in to Hospital to have his prostate removed that he was in having his prosperous removed.

_Whimsical_

My next door neighbours are elderly and believe that the automated voice coming from their home alarm system is a real person working in the alarm company who is especially assigned to monitor their home.They're always telling us how he's a "lovely lad" and how he is never impolite or impatient if you enter the password incorrectly etc. and never rushes them.They think he's fond of them and they find it very reassuring.
I have never had the heart to tell them the truth or ask why he never responds when they're roaring things like "happy Christmas" and "are ya still working at this hour ???" etc into the console on the wall

Bolag_the_2nd

i brought a lad home to meet my folks and my nan was there, this lad was not blessed with very good looks, a nice guy though, any how when he left i asked what everyone thought of him, my nice quiet old nan said
"he must have a chocolate cock" there was just silence then my sister fell around laughing, nan was diagnosed with dementia soon after and came out with a lot of stuff that i cant remember just now

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

chilly wrote: »

.
I have never had the heart to tell them the truth or ask why he never responds when they're roaring things like "happy Christmas" and "are ya still working at this hour ???" etc into the console on the wall

"Call the guards, were being robbed!" "why would you help us?"

"he must have a chocolate cock"

R O F L

pickarooney

malaprOAPisms?

Bolag_the_2nd

another one was the kitkat add, the rollerskating bear at the zoo, my nan would say every time, how did they train the bear to do that, we used to bring our friends in to listen to her, classic

irishhigh

Bolag_the_2nd wrote: »

another one was the kitkat add, the rollerskating bear at the zoo, my nan would say every time, how did they train the bear to do that, we used to bring our friends in to listen to her, classic

Thats just nasty

Noopti

My gran saw the priest walking up to the front door and said "Ah, here comes that f*ggot again". She was always calling people that, must have had some other meaning to her/old people.

Bolag_the_2nd

irishhigh wrote: »

[/B]
Thats just nasty

not a bit, my nan was loved by all my friends.

irishhigh

Noopti wrote: »

My gran saw the priest walking up to the front door and said "Ah, here comes that f*ggot again". She was always calling people that, must have had some other meaning to her/old people.

she is sound in mind anyway:)

speedboatchase

"I have sweets in my van"

Hah, there was no sweets at all, just a dingy bed. Don't remember much after that. Old people eh

irishhigh

Peter Kay told a good one, When his gran asked him to set her up an online account on "FaceTube":D

manlad

One of my nans friends had a hysterectomy and she said she got an exdirectory

speedboatchase

irishhigh wrote: »

Peter Kay told a good one, When his gran asked him to set her up an online account on "FaceTube":D

Peter Kay had another great one when he was telling his gran about Sky+ and that you can pause live tv. Apparently his gran said "but what about everyone else" - as in the entire country would be waiting for her to finish making tea

irishhigh

speedboatchase wrote: »

Peter Kay had another great one when he was telling his gran about Sky+ and that you can pause live tv. Apparently his gran said "but what about everyone else" as in the entire country would be waiting for her to finish making tea

Yeah he rocks

AnonoBoy

irishhigh wrote: »

Yeah he rocks

Or his gran is and he just robs her material the whole time.

DazMarz

Some malapropisms that old dears I've known have come out with:

-"A mixture of the scared and the profane" (obviously meant 'sacred')

-"Up there in the aclove [sic]" (meant to say 'alcove'!)

poisonated

I know someone who called MSN S + M.She isn't particuraly old though.

horseplay

i remember a few years back an old lady in the queue of the corner shop asked for ''two all cash 'itchy' cards''

it was worth a smile:)

copperfacegaz

I once brought my girlfriend at the time back home where my granny was at the time , i introduced her to my granny. As she was being introduced my granny blurted out "You have a very wide back" anfd left the room ... whatever that meant ???

seanybiker

was in a house a few years back and there was a huge bull mastiff there. Your one meant to tell me that the dog had hip displacia(sp) but said hip dislexia instead.
Fair enough she was only 43 but she dressed like a teenager so it made her look ambient. Nothing worse than some ould one who thinks she is gorgeous. Neon coloured thong under a see through dress. I just puked again.

Diageio_Man

when i was younger we had an old english sheep dog, the dog thats in the dulex paint ad's. Every time my granny would come to the house she would always say to me ''make sure you keep that durex dog outside''.
Used to nearly piss my self every time she said it to me ha ha.

bazmaiden

My dad is a legend for this:

Was txting the oh on my phone the other day and walks in and says "who are you faxing now?"

And today he comes up to me and says "did you hear that jed and edward have nearly made a million already"

vicecreamsundae

my mom came home from town.
me: did you get your hair done? it looks nice
mom: oh, yeah just a wash and blowjob .er blowdry

i nodded and left the room quickly as if the word blowjob hadnt even registered.
ew
ew
ew.

smartblaa

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

my mom came home from town.
me: did you get your hair done? it looks nice
mom: oh, yeah just a wash and blowjob .er blowdry

i nodded and left the room quickly as if the word blowjob hadnt even registered.
ew
ew
ew.

apt username

citizen_p

the doctor gave my uncle the wrong pills and he went completly mad for a week when he was taking them,,,, he was seeing "little green men", dogs under my kitchen table, a woman standing out in the rain(when it wasnt even raining) and after about 3 days he locked himself in a room and piled everything against the door, when we finally got in he had a shirt tied around him like a nappy....fukin weird....couldnt believe all that resulted from the doctor given him the wrong meds for a week....oap meds not chrystal meth

another uncle who lives in manchester is a bit racist.....he was mugged three times(once on his door step) and when i was younger he was back for a holiday (or a funerel/birthday) and started telling "monkeys" to go home.

(both are in their 60s/ 70s

She Devil

My grandad in hospital recently talking really loudly about the person beside him

"that bag (as in colopscopy bag) is never full with him, I'd say he is faking it"

Michellenman

My mam was at her uncles 80th at the weekend, apparently he was just chatting away to everyone when Beyoncé's all the single ladies came on and then he got up and started doing the dance moves that go with the song

ascanbe

Someone alert Brendan O'Carroll to this thread; there's enough material here to keep 'Mrs. Brown' going for the foreseeable future.

Elenxor

My Nan is looking for a Carpenter to make her a "pelvis" for her sitting room Bay Window

Local-womanizer

My Granny after talking to a man from central Africa turns around and says "He's really black,isent he?"

Indeed he was......

And watching the news, "That Tony Blair is nothing but a fcuker" First and only time I heard her curse.

Adriatic

I was with my granny,in the hospital when she was being fed by a nurse, she said; is there a dog in here?
nurse: no, do you have a dog?
granny: well look, this food is for one.
She also had a cup of tea which she took a sip of and said, "this'd scold a protestant!" and many more I can't think of right now, me and my dad never laughed so damn hard since, I nearly vomited with so much laughing, she also began reciting 8 minute poems despite not remembering where she was half the time.

Synods

ascanbe wrote: »

Someone alert Brendan O'Carroll to this thread; there's enough material here to keep 'Mrs. Brown' going for the foreseeable future.

Tbh, I think the vast majority of the population would rather if you didn't

Run_to_da_hills

My ma use to confuse Meals on wheels with "wheely bin dinners", not intentional, she once said it to the wrong person who came to drop one off at the door. :eek:

Acoshla

My Grandad has been in hospital on and off, and as with Irish hospitals these days there are lots of Pakistani and black doctors, usually with English accents but he chooses to ignore that :rolleyes: Anyways whenever he is back home afterwards and people ask him how it was he'll always say how there's loads of "feckin black doctors, sure what would they know, what'd they teach them in Africa?".

This is made even funnier (and stranger) by the fact that my aunt - his daughter - was adopted and is half black, he doesn't seem to associate the two, and will grumble on about the black doctors while she's there, awkward

Duggy747

In the words of Rod Stewart:














































Poop my pants!

mink_man

some of the things here are priceless!

jokettle

A friend's granny was once given a battery-operated back massager one Christmas. When asked if she liked her gift a few weeks later, she said "sure that vibrator you got me is brilliant!"

irishhigh

jokettle wrote: »

A friend's granny was once given a battery-operated back massager one Christmas. When asked if she liked her gift a few weeks later, she said "sure that vibrator you got me is brilliant!"

That was just like during the summer a family friend of my housemate fell down the stairs and was in a coma, We where in the house one evening and I asked my housemates mum how her friend was doing! She replied, really seriously...."She is doing just ok, she is stil not breathing for herself so they are going to keep her on the vibrator"! She mean't respirator