Funny things old people say by mistake

copperfacegaz · 01-03-2010 07:46PM

I once brought my girlfriend at the time back home where my granny was at the time , i introduced her to my granny. As she was being introduced my granny blurted out "You have a very wide back" anfd left the room ... whatever that meant ???

seanybiker · 01-03-2010 07:55PM

was in a house a few years back and there was a huge bull mastiff there. Your one meant to tell me that the dog had hip displacia(sp) but said hip dislexia instead.
Fair enough she was only 43 but she dressed like a teenager so it made her look ambient. Nothing worse than some ould one who thinks she is gorgeous. Neon coloured thong under a see through dress. I just puked again.

Diageio_Man · 01-03-2010 08:10PM

when i was younger we had an old english sheep dog, the dog thats in the dulex paint ad's. Every time my granny would come to the house she would always say to me ''make sure you keep that durex dog outside''.
Used to nearly piss my self every time she said it to me ha ha.

bazmaiden · 01-03-2010 08:14PM

My dad is a legend for this:

Was txting the oh on my phone the other day and walks in and says "who are you faxing now?"

And today he comes up to me and says "did you hear that jed and edward have nearly made a million already"

vicecreamsundae · 01-03-2010 09:20PM

my mom came home from town.
me: did you get your hair done? it looks nice
mom: oh, yeah just a wash and blowjob .er blowdry

i nodded and left the room quickly as if the word blowjob hadnt even registered.
ew
ew
ew.

smartblaa · 01-03-2010 09:56PM

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

my mom came home from town.
me: did you get your hair done? it looks nice
mom: oh, yeah just a wash and blowjob .er blowdry

i nodded and left the room quickly as if the word blowjob hadnt even registered.
ew
ew
ew.

apt username

citizen_p · 01-03-2010 10:16PM

the doctor gave my uncle the wrong pills and he went completly mad for a week when he was taking them,,,, he was seeing "little green men", dogs under my kitchen table, a woman standing out in the rain(when it wasnt even raining) and after about 3 days he locked himself in a room and piled everything against the door, when we finally got in he had a shirt tied around him like a nappy....fukin weird....couldnt believe all that resulted from the doctor given him the wrong meds for a week....oap meds not chrystal meth

another uncle who lives in manchester is a bit racist.....he was mugged three times(once on his door step) and when i was younger he was back for a holiday (or a funerel/birthday) and started telling "monkeys" to go home.

(both are in their 60s/ 70s

She Devil · 01-03-2010 10:19PM

My grandad in hospital recently talking really loudly about the person beside him

"that bag (as in colopscopy bag) is never full with him, I'd say he is faking it"

Michellenman · 01-03-2010 10:23PM

My mam was at her uncles 80th at the weekend, apparently he was just chatting away to everyone when Beyoncé's all the single ladies came on and then he got up and started doing the dance moves that go with the song

ascanbe · 01-03-2010 10:28PM

Someone alert Brendan O'Carroll to this thread; there's enough material here to keep 'Mrs. Brown' going for the foreseeable future.

Elenxor · 01-03-2010 10:32PM

My Nan is looking for a Carpenter to make her a "pelvis" for her sitting room Bay Window

Local-womanizer · 01-03-2010 10:38PM

My Granny after talking to a man from central Africa turns around and says "He's really black,isent he?"

Indeed he was......

And watching the news, "That Tony Blair is nothing but a fcuker" First and only time I heard her curse.

Adriatic · 01-03-2010 10:43PM

I was with my granny,in the hospital when she was being fed by a nurse, she said; is there a dog in here?
nurse: no, do you have a dog?
granny: well look, this food is for one.
She also had a cup of tea which she took a sip of and said, "this'd scold a protestant!" and many more I can't think of right now, me and my dad never laughed so damn hard since, I nearly vomited with so much laughing, she also began reciting 8 minute poems despite not remembering where she was half the time.

Synods · 01-03-2010 10:44PM

ascanbe wrote: »

Someone alert Brendan O'Carroll to this thread; there's enough material here to keep 'Mrs. Brown' going for the foreseeable future.

Tbh, I think the vast majority of the population would rather if you didn't

Run_to_da_hills · 01-03-2010 10:51PM

My ma use to confuse Meals on wheels with "wheely bin dinners", not intentional, she once said it to the wrong person who came to drop one off at the door. :eek:

Acoshla · 01-03-2010 10:52PM

My Grandad has been in hospital on and off, and as with Irish hospitals these days there are lots of Pakistani and black doctors, usually with English accents but he chooses to ignore that :rolleyes: Anyways whenever he is back home afterwards and people ask him how it was he'll always say how there's loads of "feckin black doctors, sure what would they know, what'd they teach them in Africa?".

This is made even funnier (and stranger) by the fact that my aunt - his daughter - was adopted and is half black, he doesn't seem to associate the two, and will grumble on about the black doctors while she's there, awkward

Duggy747 · 01-03-2010 11:01PM

In the words of Rod Stewart:

Poop my pants!

mink_man · 01-03-2010 11:29PM

some of the things here are priceless!

jokettle · 02-03-2010 12:54AM

A friend's granny was once given a battery-operated back massager one Christmas. When asked if she liked her gift a few weeks later, she said "sure that vibrator you got me is brilliant!"

irishhigh · 02-03-2010 02:37AM

jokettle wrote: »

A friend's granny was once given a battery-operated back massager one Christmas. When asked if she liked her gift a few weeks later, she said "sure that vibrator you got me is brilliant!"

That was just like during the summer a family friend of my housemate fell down the stairs and was in a coma, We where in the house one evening and I asked my housemates mum how her friend was doing! She replied, really seriously...."She is doing just ok, she is stil not breathing for herself so they are going to keep her on the vibrator"! She mean't respirator

EI111 · 02-03-2010 03:01AM

My father has been calling the internet 'text' for fifteen years.

bazmaiden · 02-03-2010 11:30AM

Those damn kids with their myface and the likes on the interweb!!!

gmonov1 · 02-03-2010 11:50AM

Bolag_the_2nd wrote: »

not a bit, my nan was loved by all my friends.

no, thats nasty!!

i remember a story told by ricky gervais when he was watching the news with his nan and there was coverage of the strangeways prison riots on. his nan said "look at them, they should be locked up"

:D

whenever my mam is asking me to look up anything on the internet for her she says "the number is www....."
ive given up correcting her

pickarooney · 02-03-2010 12:04PM

gmonov1 wrote: »

no, thats nasty!!

i remember a story told by ricky gervais when he was watching the news with his nan and there was coverage of the strangeways prison riots on. his nan said "look at them, they should be locked up" :D

whenever my mam is asking me to look up anything on the internet for her she says "the number is www....."
ive given up correcting her

Arra, she's just being kind and resolving the DNS lookup for you on the fly. Probably.

amacachi · 02-03-2010 12:11PM

One of the funniest things my granny ever said, though I didn't laugh because of the situation, was "I don't know why they touch that heroin, sure it ruins your stomach."
That's her main problem with drugs it seems. :pac:

Meemars · 02-03-2010 01:43PM

She Devil wrote: »

"that bag (as in colopscopy bag) is never full with him, I'd say he is faking it"

Out of the mouths of babes, eh? :pac:

Jimmy Bottlehead · 02-03-2010 02:21PM

My granny once went to LIDL or ALDI, and was amazed at the value. Cans of delicious steak and chicken covered in gravy, so handy to put with a "few aul shpuds".

She was a can and a half into her supply when my uncle popped in and asked her why there was a picture of a dog on the can.

IvyTheTerrible · 02-03-2010 02:25PM

My granny used to have problems with her kidneys, so she went through a phase of drinking cranberry juice, which she used to call "Granny juice"...

Doof! · 02-03-2010 02:44PM

My grandmother used to call Lidl, "Diddles"...:)

I AM IRON MAN · 02-03-2010 02:52PM

My nan said i'm going to stick that machine up your ****ing arse yer power mad ****er to a parking warden once, poor old thing she was only little, the look on the traffic wardens face when she did it was priceless.

Funny things old people say by mistake

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