Wedding Issues - Priest refuses to perform a wedding!!

smanning

I am hoping to get married at the end of this year in a church in the south east. The priest is being very unreasonable stating that while the church will be open on the day it would be unfair to ask people to do a mass given the time of year? I have offered to make a charitable donation or compensate anyone who might feel "put out" by having to do whatever it is that has to be done in order to ready the church for the wedding.

Does anyone know what I can do to resolve this. Where can I take this issue as the priest is being very unhelpful for whatever reason?

Any help would really be very much appreciated. Thanks

Karoma

Eh, what date? and what makes you think your desire to be wed and willingness to bribe a priest outweighs the lives of others?
Write to the Bishop, etc.

PDN

Are you a regular worshipper in the church there?

smanning

not a regular worshipper there. Shouldn't matter though - given the very ideals of the religion. December 28th is the date we have in mind. Church is open so can't see the issue. Can ye?

PDN

smanning wrote: »

not a regular worshipper there. Shouldn't matter though - given the very ideals of the religion. December 28th is the date we have in mind. Church is open so can't see the issue. Can ye?

The ideals of the religion is to preach the Gospel, and to care for the needs of those in the Church. I don't think providing others with a venue for weddings etc is part of those ideals at all tbh.

However, what about the priest or minister at the church where you do worship regularly? If you ask him he'll probably have a word with the guy in the south east to help you out.

mikemac

You can see the priest's issue.
People who show up for mass once or twice or even never a year.
And then set a date and if the priest doesn't immediately agree the couple call him difficult. He probably doesn't even know you

Are you from another parish? Is their another local priest you ask? Who knows you and your family

Mediocrity

December 28th? You must be taking the pi$$? You obviously have no appreciation for how the Church operates.

PCPhoto

sure while yer at it why not go for the 25th .... dont know of anything happening on that date.

OP... why not choose another location - a marriage ceremony does not have to be in a church... so you can pick another place, another priest ....another fiance/fiancee...another date.

jhegarty

smanning wrote: »

December 28th is the date we have in mind.

lol , can't think of a worst day.

Mediocrity

Some people will always see churches as public entertainment spaces to be hired for the purpose of their choosing. The consumerist mentality is embedded deep into modern society.

smanning

It is from listening to some of the responses here that confirms for me why so many hav turned their back on the church. Honestly, some of ye are so far removed from the real world its like ye are part of a cult. Thanks to those whose heads are screwed on enough to suggest some practical approaches to dealing with this. For the moron who suggested the 25th sarcastically, it doesn't say a whole lot for your beliefs when you seem to hold the two dates in similar regard.

liamw

Mediocrity wrote: »

Some people will always see churches as public entertainment spaces to be hired for the purpose of their choosing. The consumerist mentality is embedded deep into modern society.

Some people? More like the 99% of the so-called Christians a.k.a cafeteria Christians. Get real dude, the majority of those people in your Church having weddings couldn't quote you one verse from the Bible. So I don't see why you're all so pissed off at SManning.

If you feel so strongly about it, I suggest you start taking roll-call at each Mass and only allow people who meet the attendence rate to have weddings or funerals hosted in your Church. Goodbye Wedding days.

PDN

smanning wrote: »

It is from listening to some of the responses here that confirms for me why so many hav turned their back on the church. Honestly, some of ye are so far removed from the real world its like ye are part of a cult. Thanks to those whose heads are screwed on enough to suggest some practical approaches to dealing with this. For the moron who suggested the 25th sarcastically, it doesn't say a whole lot for your beliefs when you seem to hold the two dates in similar regard.

So what is cultic about the Church pursuing its mission to preach the Gospel rather than rushing to meet your every whim about your wedding day?

Btw, the Church doesn't believe that Jesus was born on the 25th of December.

Also, please refrain from calling other posters morons.

jhegarty

smanning wrote: »

Honestly, some of ye are so far removed from the real world its like ye are part of a cult.

I think people here are very connected to the real world.

The op was the Church to preform a wedding at the end of the busies period of the year. All the people involved in getting the Church ready , the priest , the alter servers ..etc.. will have been working long hours for the 2/3 weeks that before this date.

Is it not unreasonable for them to not want to put on a wedding that day for someone who isn't a regular user of that Church ?

Tim Robbins

smanning wrote: »

I am hoping to get married at the end of this year in a church in the south east. The priest is being very unreasonable stating that while the church will be open on the day it would be unfair to ask people to do a mass given the time of year? I have offered to make a charitable donation or compensate anyone who might feel "put out" by having to do whatever it is that has to be done in order to ready the church for the wedding.

Does anyone know what I can do to resolve this. Where can I take this issue as the priest is being very unhelpful for whatever reason?

Any help would really be very much appreciated. Thanks

I say this as an atheist - what makes you think you're being reasonable?

Sounds like you are turning up at someone elses house and telling them how to run it.

whiteboard

When I got married, my now wife wanted to get married in the parish where she had grown up but now had no family. We were firstly charged for the use of the church as we were not members of the parish and were told we had to get our own priest. We were able to get the parish priest to perform the ceremony when some of the local parishoners put some pressure on him. This was in Dublin BTW.

I can understand when a parish tries to avoid levels of 'wedding chruch tourism' because of nice churches in this parish or that and in fairness I can see why they would charge a fee to non locals. I heard of ocassional attendees referred to as the 4 wheeled catholics - 4 buggy wheels for christining, 4 car wheels for the wedding and 4 hearse wheels for the funeral.

I can defo see why there could be an issue with a wedding on 28th Dec too but in general cannot see why the church would turn people away; especially of they are prepared to pay their way as we did.

homer911

OP, in fairness to the Priest, based on your post he is not saying he won't marry you, just that based on the time of year, his apparent lack of previous knowledge of you, and your general lack of church commitment that he doesnt see why he should put himself (and others) out for you at a time when he'd rather have a few days off after the hectic buildup to Christmas.

Perhaps if you had attended mass for a number of weeks in advance, and made a point of introducing yourself and your fiance to the priest (and saying "hello" on subsequent visits), he would have been more willing.

If a stranger turned up at our church and asked for wedding on Dec 28th, I'm sure the response would have been just the same

prinz

OP, the priest has every right to want to negotiate a date. It's not a pick and choose matter. It's rarely as simple as you choosing and the priest accepting.

smanning

Tim Robbins and others,

points taken but these are none of the points raised by the priest. he will be saying mass that day but not willing to have my wedding there. i am dealing with a real set of circumstances and nothing hypothetical. he could put it to the people involved (over and above what is required to say a normal mass) and see if they would agree or if a charitable donation (not a bribe as suggested by some) would sway them.

and i struggle to understand this argument that it is not my church. when did that ever matter. is it not one religion. i mean seriously lads, stop for a second and listen to yourselves. i should be able to have this wedding in any church. the whole church is so pretectionist and this, along with your comments only proves the point. a religious debate was not something i expected to get from this, simply a little help for a difficult set of circumsrtances where i don't want to let my fiancee down. your comments are deluded and out of order at best.

prinz

smanning wrote: »

and i struggle to understand this argument that it is not my church. when did that ever matter. is it not one religion. i mean seriously lads, stop for a second and listen to yourselves. i should be able to have this wedding in any church. the whole church is so pretectionist and this, along with your comments only proves the point. a religious debate was not something i expected to get from this, simply a little help for a difficult set of circumsrtances where i don't want to let my fiancee down. your comments are deluded and out of order at best.

Have you contacted your own local parish priest about this? You should not be able to have this wedding in any church as that is simply not how it works. There are procedures, regulations, paperwork etc. Seriously take a step back and think about how the world doesn't revolve around you, the one thing you keep repeating is how everyone and everything should accomodate your wishes.... I am going to go out on a limb here and guess you've already told you fiancée that the wedding will be on the 28th? There is no help we can give... it's between you and the priest, and there's nothing you can do to force the date you want.

munchkin_utd

"wedding church tourism"

That has to be my phrase of the week!!

To be fair, its no different in football. You have your home ground where you play your regular games.
For a big game you might like a different venue, for size/ amenities/ location.

If you want to play away from your regular haunt (where everyone knows your name and you have sway with matters) then you cant presume the away venue will bend over backwards for you, having to get the place prepped before hand and cleaned up afterwards.
Their own players and supporters are more important than someone who shows up with a bunch of strangers for the 90 minutes.

Bogger77

smanning wrote: »

Tim Robbins and others,

points taken but these are none of the points raised by the priest. he will be saying mass that day but not willing to have my wedding there. i am dealing with a real set of circumstances and nothing hypothetical. he could put it to the people involved (over and above what is required to say a normal mass) and see if they would agree or if a charitable donation (not a bribe as suggested by some) would sway them.

and i struggle to understand this argument that it is not my church. when did that ever matter. is it not one religion. i mean seriously lads, stop for a second and listen to yourselves. i should be able to have this wedding in any church. the whole church is so pretectionist and this, along with your comments only proves the point. a religious debate was not something i expected to get from this, simply a little help for a difficult set of circumsrtances where i don't want to let my fiancee down. your comments are deluded and out of order at best.

A church is a building maintained by volunteers from the local area. They clean and dust the church. They oil hinges, they wash the glass windows, they weed the grounds, they pick up litter from the car park. They help at the various religious ceremonies during the year. They're also people with families, friends relations whom they'd like spend some quality time over the Christmas break with.
You're basically, and it seems very clear from you posts, expecting that the parish in an area where you are not from, that your other half is not from, nor have links too, to break their holiday period, to ready the church for you, and your friends to enjoy a ceremony that you do seem to think is a religious event.

I applaud the Parish Priest for his stand on this, he would be very simple for him to say, yes you can have use of the church for that date, but he hasn't, as he knows that the people who normally do the readying of of the church for weddings will have plans, and there's a lot more than just getting "Flowers R us" to pop in and put some flowers up, and tie a ribbon or two, to the readying of the church. This people normally have such a sense of duty to the building and what it stands for, that they will cancel plans, refuse invitations, just to make sure that the church is ready. Frankly, your suggestion that a few bob thrown to a charity, would make up for the loss of personal and family time for those volunteers would be funny, if it wasn't so misguided.

You seem to think that the Church building is merely a venue for your wedding, if that is your idea, why not book a hotel, and I'm sure the paid staff there will take care of your requirements.

It is all one religion, and yes, it is down to you nothing being a local. Locals, esp in rural areas, will always help each other out, go the extra mile, and as your not a local, you or your family will never repay that "debt".

neuro-praxis

smanning wrote: »

and i struggle to understand this argument that it is not my church. when did that ever matter. is it not one religion. i mean seriously lads, stop for a second and listen to yourselves. i should be able to have this wedding in any church. the whole church is so pretectionist and this, along with your comments only proves the point. a religious debate was not something i expected to get from this, simply a little help for a difficult set of circumsrtances where i don't want to let my fiancee down. your comments are deluded and out of order at best.

Your selfishness is really quite staggering. That priest is not your servant. That community who voluntarily perform the upkeep of the building are not your servants. I don't know how to say this any more clearly: The church is not a service provider. You would know this yourself if you were a member of a community.

By the way, the 28th is a very inconvenient date for most people (and here I even mean your guests). You are interrupting their precious time off with their families.

Bogger77

smanning wrote: »

where i don't want to let my fiancee down.

Hmm, call me deluded, but the wedding must be on 28th of December 2010, in a particular Church building, or your fiancée will be let down?

I think you've more trouble than the priest saying no, to content with.

smanning

Again,

if any of you're reasons were reasons given by the priest I would not have posted, so hold tough on repeating this constant dribble about dusting and what not.

if they are not a service provider then why the charge?

its not so much that we have our heart set on that church, and while I would like it to be there it is not an absolute necessity.

the time of year is not inconveniencing anyone as the vast majority of atendess will be flying home for our wedding no matter what the date and we considered it best to hold it close to chritsmas so that the lengthy and expensive flights could result in them spending quality time with family also.

the church location is close to the place where we will hold the reception and given the dangerous driving conditions we thought it best to change from our own local church and have it close to the reception as this will mean people do not have to travel during the wedding day itself but would have the opoportunity to drive down that morning or the day before.

to be honest, i think it is a complete joke. i don't expect to get my way all the time as suggested by some of you. any sort of rationale and reasonable argument from the priest and I would have accepted this. The fact is that if you are looking for rationale and sound reasoning you shouldn't look to the church. But that argument is for another day.

glad to see so much blind and ignorant faith about the place though. keep up the good work.

doctoremma

I can't recall EVER defending a priest or a church before but...*gulp

The priest is being very unreasonable stating that while the church will be open on the day it would be unfair to ask people to do a mass given the time of year?

He's told you why he doesn't want to do it and to be honest, the explanations given by other posters seem fairly acceptable. However, it obviously doesn't meet your criteria for "reasonable" excuses. That's kind of tough, honey. Honestly, what are you going to do? Force him to do it?

Zombrex

smanning wrote: »

. i don't expect to get my way all the time as suggested by some of you. any sort of rationale and reasonable argument from the priest and I would have accepted this.

It is not really your place to decide what is a rational and reasonable argument from the priest. He has been running that church a lot longer than you have wanted to get married there.

I don't know much about the comings and goings of Catholics but a lot of people here seem to agree with reasonings given by the priest, so perhaps it might be no harm to stop asserting that you know better how to run his church than the priest does and actually listen properly to what the priest is saying and take that on board.

You aren't going to get very far expecting to be married in the priest's church when you are asserting that he doesn't know how to do his job properly

Morlar

This thread has nothing whatsoever to do with religion or christianity as far as I can make out & may be more suited for the weddings forum alongside threads on booking dj's and photographers etc.

prinz

Morlar wrote: »

This thread has nothing whatsoever to do with religion or christianity as far as I can make out ...

Agreed. The same principle would apply if you wanted to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist, solicitor, accountant etc on a thursday at 2. Yes the office might be open, yes they might be working, but they are under no obligation whatsoever to take you at that time, on that day for whatever reason.

f3qh5g0z6vc7ob

Note - I am Wiccan but have to reply to this OP.

(sorry guys if i shouldn't be posting in here)

OP - If the hotel you wanted said no I'm sorry but as its the xmas period we will have skeleton staff in (which most places do for this date) and we cant allow you to have this date, or lets say the photographer, florist, band, etc all say they are off as its xmas would you be on here giving out fits about it.

Forget that this is a big time in the church and just for a minute remember it is xmas. If every year you had xmas period off and your boss says to you I want you to come in on the 27th (which your asking these people to do as they will have to prep the church) would you not be seriously be pissed off with your boss!!!

I know your wedding day is a big day and I am not suggesting you shouldn't have it on the day of your choice as I understand maybe this is an anniversary of the day you met or another romantic date but I think your very wrong to give out because the church said no to marrying you in it.

I know you said they are doing mass that day anyway but your then asking them to do overtime!!! Would you work an extra few hours overtime when you could be at home with family!

Fanny Cradock

smanning, while I understand that this is an issue of great personal importance, I suggest that you take a few moments to consider the weight of opinion from atheist and theist alike. Also it really helps the discussion if you don't get pissy at people simply because they aren't supporting you.