Fart Lenght

getitonup

beware of spreadable cheese that **** blows chunks:)

Fulton Crown

The string o pearls is key ...yore gettin a lift home an getinn our ov a crowded car...arp....fuzzzd.....puuuuuuut,,,

Furkin wmbarrisin

FearDark

jackpalance wrote: »

My auntie Nora had wind for 5 minutes.

And a fanny like a split tennis ball :pac:

PFJSplitter

Length? Don't they teach you anything?

Light 'em up!

congo_90

I've been renowned for clearing pubs, warehouses and just about anywhere after a weekend out.

honourable mention to:
One night afrer spicey dominos, curry chips, ham and coleslaw sandwich met a lotta guinness and heineken...

Well. The next day the length of such farts were variable from 4-14seconds of low bass, nostril hunting, room filling wheely bin, long lasting smelling farts!
People tell me it smells like wheely bin smell. Oh if only boards had a smel-o-vision type thing like in futurama!

In fact it seems just Guinness and a few lager will do the trick quite nicely

If i've been eating certain foods and drinking certain beers all week you can be sure i'll have something to make your eyes water!

BumbleB

i've never measured mine ,but I have a real special one off that I call the hiroshima fart .

Skinfull

Thread of the year. Thanks guys.

Fracture

lol what a thread!!

I've done ones that lasted around 10 seconds, usually starting off louder and getting a bit quieter as they progress with strange kind of noise at the end were you can hear it still coming out but its quieter.

Anyway, one of the smelliest ones i've ever did was after work in the bar one night i had quite a few guinness, got home, into bed with the woman (she would sleep through a gun fight) and let one off, it was the silent version, had a sniff under the blanket and it made me nearly chugg. Knowing it was gonna be bad i watched her face until it hit her face, she got really uncomfortable in her sleep and woke up. Proudest fart ever.

BumbleB

Farts are great !:) whether youre 6 or 60 you still find them hilarious !

uch

I did a beaut in this morning, the missus was asleep and i let go one that sounded like a combine harvester starting up, she thought it was someone at the door and got up and answered it, now thats ventrilloquism at it's very best

Gillington

My brother was asleep on the kitchen floor one year on holidays in Spain,passed out after a skinful of drink and the obligatory burger and garlic chips.

Now I dont usually get woken easily especially after drink but when his fart rumbled off the marble the 4 of us in the room lept up! I thought someone was raiding the room.Smell was un describable.

uch

It's a pity we can't put up sound recordings, then we could compare

youtheman

There's nothing worse that cutting loose in work (when you are in your own small office) and you pray that no-one is going to drop in until the pong dissipates.

I remember years ago when I was in the army. I let one rip and said to myself "I'm o.k., there is no-body around". Two seconds later the sergeant came in, getting me to sign some form. As he turned and made for the door he raised his head, had a sniff and said "Jaysus, Sir, there's an awful smell of sh1te in here".

DentalPlan!

Check this out if you havnt seen step brothers

onion and ketchup!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AMgagxCvZQ

IronMan

I once had a hot chicken karachi washed down with 7 pints of old speckled hen. Was hanging the next morning, and made a huge berry smoothie, followed by a greasy breakfast roll. A couple of early tremors mid morning lead me to the conclusion that things were going to get really nasty by lunchtime.

I was in an elevator heading to the top floor, when it stopped on the 2nd floor. Who should get on only a senior government minister, two senior civil servants, and a parliamentary press secretary?! By now the pressure on the sheriffs badge was becoming intolerable. I decided to try the slow pressure release ploy, not wanting to let a pants buster go in polite company.

I discreetly took the top off the the gas field. Not a sound. Smiled slightly as I thought the danger was averted. My joy lasted about 1 second, as suddenly my nose was assaulted by the smell of festering swamp water/rotten sillage and washed up anchovies. A stomach turning, nose hair burning, eye watering smell.

A second passed. Suddenly one of the civil servants face begins to grimace. A look of panic spread over his face. "Jesus Christ" he roared before covering his face with his sleeve. The other three soon followed, spluttering, wretching, covering their noses with their shirt sleeves etc. I decided to get in on the act.

I'd say only a few more seconds passed, but it felt like hours. Fetid, rotten cheese. They were getting off on the 6th floor, not the top floor. The doors opened, and they piled out like caged animals being released. Being the sneaky deviant I am, I took my sleeve away from my nose, and said to their backs "Whichever of you dropped that really needs to visit a doctor". The doors closed, and I proceeded to the top floor for lunch.

uch

IronMan wrote: »

I once had a hot chicken karachi washed down with 7 pints of old speckled hen. Was hanging the next morning, and made a huge berry smoothie, followed by a greasy breakfast roll. A couple of early tremors mid morning lead me to the conclusion that things were going to get really nasty by lunchtime.

I was in an elevator heading to the top floor, when it stopped on the 2nd floor. Who should get on only a senior government minister, two senior civil servants, and a parliamentary press secretary?! By now the pressure on the sheriffs badge was becoming intolerable. I decided to try the slow pressure release ploy, not wanting to let a pants buster go in polite company.

I discreetly took the top off the the gas field. Not a sound. Smiled slightly as I thought the danger was averted. My joy lasted about 1 second, as suddenly my nose was assaulted by the smell of festering swamp water/rotten sillage and washed up anchovies. A stomach turning, nose hair burning, eye watering smell.

A second passed. Suddenly one of the civil servants face begins to grimace. A look of panic spread over his face. "Jesus Christ" he roared before covering his face with his sleeve. The other three soon followed, spluttering, wretching, covering their noses with their shirt sleeves etc. I decided to get in on the act.

I'd say only a few more seconds passed, but it felt like hours. Fetid, rotten cheese. They were getting off on the 6th floor, not the top floor. The doors opened, and they piled out like caged animals being released. Being the sneaky deviant I am, I took my sleeve away from my nose, and said to their backs "Whichever of you dropped that really needs to visit a doctor". The doors closed, and I proceeded to the top floor for lunch.

Now thats just pure class showing through there, Have a Cigar

CamperMan

GeeNorm wrote: »

I managed 9 seconds once honest. Now I did stretch it a bit by not giving it the usual (sound maximisation) push. I timed it by retracing my steps as I was walking through the house (gingerly) at the time.

come on... did you really time it? hope you didn't follow through!!

Victor

IronMan wrote: »

and made a huge berry smoothie

In the kitchen or bathroom?

IronMan

Victor wrote: »

In the kitchen or bathroom?

Kitchen old bean. Bathroom later. I'll spare you the details.

fishypancake

Longer than a breadbox

admiralofthefleet

gaz wac wrote: »

I let one rip one night when i was asleep, and I swear to god it woke me up and I got the fright of my life !! it was like i drank a bottle of coke and all the wind came out my as*s !!! it woke the cat and she ran out the room. i felt so empty inside after it, i was actually feeling hungry !! best fart EVER !!

oh and how is it that when you are strollfarting, it only ecapes when i ( just let one rip!! ) put my right foot down, yet im left footed crazy farts.

Reminds me of a time when I was looking at About The House with Duncan Straw-hair and some woman had built her house on top of a mountain in Wicklow and he said to her " God Mary, you must suffer from alot of wind up here " Classic

also known as crop dusting

Duggy747

My most effective chemically weaponised farts are the quiet ones that go "ffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss!!"

Like slighty opening the lid of a coke bottle.

Absolutely rancid toxic brew that would peel paint and gives that stinging feeling in your eyes like tear gas, they even disgust me :eek:

Sorta creates a smell smiliar to boiling 3-year old eggs that were left behind the radiator under the pus-filled corpse of a bull.

Lovely.

Son Of A Vidic

17 seconds once, walking from the car to the front door.The time is based on my wife's calculation, yes I know she is a brave woman.

Son Of A Vidic

Oh I forgot to add, if I've had Guinness the night before, I go Thermonuclear the next day. I usually advise all humans to remain outside the blast radius, otherwise the consequences could be fatal.

gofer

medicman2009 reminds me (and I'm going to show my age here) of an incident some years ago. Guinness had just brought out Guinness in a draught bottle. This was one where you had to use a plunger device to agitate the brew. Not being fully conversant with and also being in a hurry, I decided to just drink the contents. Bad move, in an hour, I had a ferocious pain in the guts. Followed swiftly with what can only be described as a howling banshee as the gas was released by a method not recommended on the bottle. The missus comes running thinking I had hurt myself, only to be driven back by the smell. I was banished to the sofa that night. Mind you she slept in the cold room with the window open, so I don't know who was worse off.

Calibos

Duggy747 wrote: »

My most effective chemically weaponised farts are the quiet ones that go "ffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss!!"

Like slighty opening the lid of a coke bottle.

Absolutely rancid toxic brew that would peel paint and gives that stinging feeling in your eyes like tear gas, they even disgust me :eek:

Sorta creates a smell smiliar to boiling 3-year old eggs that were left behind the radiator under the pus-filled corpse of a bull.

Lovely.

I think you are talking about percolators (sp?) Its where you have one in the barrel so to speak and the fart must filter through it on its way out to escape. They are slow release due to the plug and the filtering and thus silent whereas your common or garden variety fart is passing through and empty colon and this one has a high volume of gasses trapped in a resonating chamber behind a quick release valve so to speak. A recipe for a thunderous fart when released into a mattress much like the shockwaves of an earth quake.

congo_90

Calibos wrote: »

I think you are talking about percolators (sp?) Its where you have one in the barrel so to speak and the fart must filter through it on its way out to escape. They are slow release due to the plug and the filtering and thus silent whereas your common or garden variety fart is passing through and empty colon and this one has a high volume of gasses trapped in a resonating chamber behind a quick release valve so to speak. A recipe for a thunderous fart when released into a mattress much like the shockwaves of an earth quake.

I call these 'volvic farts' It filters through many layers of sh*t picking up various deposits and smells along the way

There's the hollow fart then. The sort where your stomach is sore and then in a semi loud move you let it out with a wussshhh noise. These are the worst.

I'm finding it difficult to brew the system today. A combination of heavy food and beer means its 'plugged' till morning. :eek:

Number_8

I fondly recall a fart of distinction that easily lasted more than ten seconds.

I had been hard at it the night before and was on the train home after a days work. I had been letting loose, lenghty, slippery shart bombs all day and was on red alert. I strategically positioned myself next to the jacks.

Well, five minutes into the journey, somewhere between Tara Street and Connelly Station, I felt the calling. That onimous, squirming senstation that feels like a pack of midgets having a gang bang in your gulliver.

I practically jumped into the jacks and managed to pull down my cacks just in time to let rip what would be the fart of a life time. It started out with a bassy, subterranean rumble which soon rose into a frenzy that sounded like Miles Davis playing the trumpet whilst having a fit. And just when I though it was over, it kept going. Again. And Again. Until finally it bowed out with an off-tune whimper. Ladies and gentlemen - methane has left the building.

Oprah Winfrey would be proud of this thing. A fcuking wooly mammoth would be proud of this belter.

The harmonics in the jacks were good enough to ensure that every last second of this glorious gas explosion was perfectly audible to passengers at my end of the carrage. I returned to my seat with an euld one and two birds staring at me like I'd just committed the most horrible crime known to humanity. I couldnt help myself and just had to laugh. That euld one gave me the daggers the whole way home. :pac:

sofunky

my farts are known as ninja farts (they appear out of nowhere and attack suddenly), they are not red hot, they are white hot, thanks to muphys stout, cabbage water and a dodgy chilli kebeb. i was once dumped for dutch ovening. i got sinead o connor and albert reynolds right up the nose once at the same time. my farts have been known to attend the opera from time to time. if i text my friends to go for a coffee, they have a phone around to warn each other if ive had a few beverages the previous evening. ive been granted (and earned) the title of "fartologist". my range is approxomately 100 metres without losing potency. when living with 3 spanish girls, the reactions had me in tears. if i leave a killer fart in my place, it will still be waiting for me when i come home hours later. im the undisputed king, all challenges axxepted.......

Planet X

A quarter of a second blow, after a few days on "The Stout" will fill a room no probs. It will have you running to open windows.